Josh Q. Public:  The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear.  I’ve seen that road before.  It always leads me here.  Leads me to you door.  -Beatles

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Larry Bird is not walking through that door, fans.  Kevin McHale is not walking through that door.  And Robert Parish is not walking through that door.   And if you expect them to walk through that door, they’re going to be gray and old.  Who needs them?  And on the cool check in.  Center stage on the mic.  And we’re puttin’ it on wax.  It’s the new style.  The New Style Celtics.  The Boston Celtics have won just three playoff series in the fifteen seasons since Larry Bird retired.  If they win three this year, they will be in the NBA finals.  The New Style Celtics will win three.  The New Style Celtics will be in the NBA finals.  With the Big Ticket, The Truth and Jesus Shuttleworth, how can they not be?  With the Big Ticket, The Truth and Jesus Shuttleworth playing the best defense on the planet, how can they not be?  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes night after night.  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes fight after fight.  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes like JJ Evans, dy-no-mite! They won forty-five games by at least ten points.   They led the league in point differential averaging over ten points a game.  Yowza!   They finished 66-16 after going 24-58 last season.  A forty-two game improvement that shattered the old record of thirty-six set by the San Antonio Spurs.  Shattered, shattered.  Love and hope and sex and dreams are still surviving on the street.  Look at me.  I’m in tatters!  The New Style Celtics left the rest of the NBA in tatters.  Led the league in opponents field goal percentage.  Led the league in opponents three point field goal percentage.  Second in the league in opponents scoring.  Defense wins championships.  The Celtics play defense.  Stifling defense.  Asphyxiating defense.  Michael Hutchence defense.  Tom Thibodeau defense.  Leading the way is the Big Ticket.  Here’s your ticket.  Hear the drummer get wicked.  The Big Ticket may get shammed out of the MVP.  May get travestied of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a shammed out of the MVP.  He won’t get travestied of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a shammed out of the Playoffs MVP.  That, boys and girls, is his and his alone.  As is the Finals MVP.  But like my main man Red Auerbach always says:  “Individual honors are nice, but no Celtic has ever gone out of his way to achieve them.  We have never had the league’s top scorer.  In fact, we won seven league championships without placing even one among the league’s top ten scorers.  Our pride was never rooted in statistics.”  Our pride is back.  Celtics Pride is back.  So climb aboard.  Climb aboard the victory train.  This train is bound to glory. 

Public Acknowledgements:  Rick Pitino, Beastie Boys, Good Times, Rolling Stones, INXS, Public Enemy, Woody Allen and the Ethiopians

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  Only the beginning of what I want to feel forever.  Only the beginning. Only just the start.  I’ve got to get you into my life.  Got to get you next to me.  Only the beginning.  Only just the start.  -Chicago

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Boston Celtics Basketball.  The new Big Three.  Think Big!  Pierce.  Garnett.  Allen.  The PGA Tour.  These guys are good.  Before we get started, know this:  I love the Red Sox.  I love the Patriots.  I love the Boston College Screamin’ Eagles.  I love the Celtics more.  I started going to games in the year 2 BB.  Before Bird.  Dave Cowens.  Hondo.  Jo-Jo.  Ernie D.  The Polish Powerhouse Steve Kuberski.  The following year we saw Pistol Pete. We saw Bob McAdoo.  Cornbread Maxwell and Tiny had just arrived.  But none of the games stood out.  The team was horrible.  I was just a little kid who was glad to be out with his older brothers.  But then it happened.  John Havlicek night happened.  The night of his retirement.  Greer is putting the ball in play.  He gets it out deep and Havlicek steals it!  Over to Sam Jones!  Havlicek stole the ball!  It’s all over…It’s all over!  Johnny Havlicek stole the ball!  The Garden was electric.  It was the first time in my life I was there when it was sold out.  It was sold out and people were going crazy.  Bedlam.  Pandemonium.  I was hooked.  I knew, then and there, that I was going to be spending a lot of time in that old place.  The following year, my family got seasons, the Celtics got Bird, and I got the treat of my life.  A chance to see a dynasty first hand.  I want to see another one.  In 1986, I never saw the Celtics lose.  Never.  I want that felling again.  Why not us?  Why not now?  The time is here.

It all started last fall.  First there were the Iverson mumblings.  Then there were the Pau Gasol rumblings.  Then the Matrix grumblings.  Garnett says no.  The Celtics lose out in the Greg Oden/Kevin Duran sweepstakes.  More of the same old - same old.  Next thing you know, Sugar Ray Allen is a Celtic.  Nice move.  I could live with that.  Then came the big one.  The Big Ticket one.  Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had.  You hear that Elizabeth?  I’m coming to join you honey.  Kevin Garnett is a Celtic.  MVP Kevin Garnett.  Ten time All-Star Kevin Garnett.  All-Star MVP.  Eight time All-NBA and All-Defensive teams.  The first guy to average at least 20 points, 10 rebounds, and 5 assists per game for 6 consecutive seasons.  The first guy to average at least 20 points, 10 rebounds, and 4 assists per game for 9 consecutive seasons.  The first guy to reach at least 18,000 points, 10,000 rebounds, 4,000 assists, 1,200 steals, and 1,500 blocks in his playing career.  The Big Ticket.  The Kid.  The Franchise.  KG.  He’s here.  He’s really really here.   

Now in all this all this hoop-la with Allen and Garnett, let’s not forget about the Truth.  The Truth is, he’s the most underrated player in the world, and nobody can tell me different.  But Paul Pierce could not do it alone.  When I was young, I never needed anyone.  And making love was just for fun.  Those days are gone.  All by myself.  Don’t wanna be all by myself anymore.  Now that Boston got somebody to rebound the ball effectively.  You can’t win without the ball.  Now that Boston got somebody to rebound the ball effectively and they have somebody to handle the ball with consistency.  You can’t win if you can’t hold onto the ball.  Now that Boston got somebody to rebound the ball effectively and they have somebody to handle the ball with consistency, they will start winning some ball games.  A lot of ball games.  Throw in a guy who can shoot the ball, that’s a lot more ball games.  Once they start winning ball games consistently, Pierce’s accolades will come.  It’s tough to win awards, when you’re not winning ball games.  The Celtics will win ball games.  Pierce will win awards.  And that’s the double truth, Ruth.

So now we begin a new journey.  You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Twilight Zone!  The first step in the journey takes place tonight at the soldout TD Banknorth Garden where the Celtics open the season against the Washington Wizards.  Why not us?  Why not now?  The time is here.  It all starts now.

Public Acknowledgemets:  Danny Abelman, Johnny Most, Sanford & Son, Eric Carmen, Senor Love Daddy and The Twilight Zone

Josh Q. Public:  It might feel good, it might sound a little somethin’, but damn the game if it don’t mean nothin’.  -Public Enemy

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Hey you gabronies, do you smell what the Celts is cookin’?  Sure smells good.  Ooooh that smell.  Can’t you smell that smell?  Smells like playoffs baby, playoffs.  Ray Allen.  The rootinest tootinest shootinest guard in the West East.  The best jump shootinest guard in  basketball.  Jump shooting threes at forty percent clip.  I was shining my nine, you know how I do.  I got a fully loaded clip, I be on that ####  Ray Ray be on that ####  Seven time All-Star who just fills it up.  Kills it up.  Thrills it up.  Thrilled it up for fifty-four last year against the Utah Jazz.  Thrilled it up two years ago putting himself in second place on the NBA’s list of all-time three-point field goals made in a game.  Thrilled it up again in ‘06 breaking Dennis Scott’s ten-year-old NBA record for three-point field goals in a season by sinking 268.  Thrilled it up in ‘01 by becoming the NBA All-Star Weekend Three-point Shootout champion.  Did I mention this cat can shoot.  His shot poetry in motion.  Mmm, but it’s poetry in motion.  And when she turned her eyes to me.  As deep as any ocean.  As sweet as any harmony.  He’ll be playing in harmony with Big Al and the Truth.  With Sugar Ray, Big Al and the Truth, the Celtics are going to score some points.  A plethora of points.  A plentitude of points.  A profusion of points.  Preposterous points.  More points than you can shake a stick at.  More fun than a barrel of ####.  Roll out the barrel.  We’ll have a barrel of fun.  Roll out the barrel, we’ve got the blues on the run.  Yup, we got the blues on the run all right.  On a playoff run.  And the fact that Theo Huxtable Ratliff’s expiring contract is still on the books tells me they ain’t done yet.  She looked at me with them brown eyes and said:  You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  B-B-B-Baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-n-nothin’ yet.  Here’s something that you’re never gonna forget.  B-B-B-Baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-n-nothin’ yet.  The Boston Celtics, repaving the path to glory.

Public Acknowledgements:  He Got Game, Rocky Maivia, Lynyrd Skynyrd, 50 Cent, Thomas Dolby, Bobby Vinton and Bachman Turner Overdrive.

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!