I jumped outside the house with my Walkman on. I get so hyped when I hear this song. It’s gonna keep me happy like All Day long. So go and talk #### cause it just makes me strong. -Beasties
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! This is national TV. So don’t pick your noses or scratch your nuts. Is he? Ain’t he? Is you ain’t my baby. Well, that’s the way you’re acting lately. Hamstring schmangstring. Fantasy owners are none to happy about this revoltin’ development. All Day needs to play. All Day needs to be Every Day. Just like them Dallas Bulls. Just like Delma Huddle. No shots for me, man, I can’t stand needles. Yes you can. We fantasy owners don’t care. We remember all those rows of syringes in the training room at the Cotton Bowl. Just win baby! Win now. Pay later. People who confuse brains and luck can get in a whole lot of trouble. Seeing through the game is not the same as winning the game. Huh, Poot?
Public Acknowledgements: Louis Jordan, North Dallas Forty
Josh Q. Public: You say one love, one life. When it’s one need in the night. It’s one love. We get to share it. It leaves you baby. If you don’t care for it. -U2
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! What a difference a year makes. Last year was the year of the two-headed monster. The year of Orthrus. The year of Chimera. The year of Frank and Stein. It took two to make a thing go right. It took two to make it outta sight. Hit it! Last year was the year of the two back offense. The two attack offense. The two get back Jack offense. Do it again. Last year, the Chicago Bears featured Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson. Last year, the New Orleans Saints featured the Deuce is Loose and Reggie Bush. Last year, the New England Patriots featured Laurence Maroney and Corey Dillon. Last year, the Indianapolis Colts featured Addai a Deer and Dominic Rhodes. Dynamic Duos. Terrible Twosomes. This year? Not so much. This year it’s all feature backs all the time. All beatchya backs all the time. All Grade A meature backs all the time. Ryan Grant is helping the Packers reach the Super Bowl for the first time in a decade. He’s living the dream. Making folks scream. I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. In 2005, he spent the entire season on the injured reserve. In 2006, he spent the entire season on the Giants practice squad. This season, he’s making things happen. Brandon Jacobs is making things happen. Brandon Jacobs is rumbling, bumbling and stumbling his way to make Giants fans soon forget Tiki Barber. He’s big. He’s powerful. He’s fast. Think Eddie George. Think battering ram. Shattering ram. Splattering ram. In New England there’s another guy. In a pass happy New England Patriots’ offense, Laurence Maroney is hitting the holes. In a pass happy Patriots’ offense, Maroney is running with power. The man of the hour, tower of power, he’ll devour. He’s gonna tie you up and let you understand that he’s not your average man when he gets a football in his hands. Daaaaamn! In a pass happy Patriots’ offense Maroney throws a block here. In a pass happy Patriots’ offense Maroney takes a handoff there. Does whatever it takes. Does whatever it to win football games. Then there’s the touchdown maker. The shake and baker. The record breaker. The takes the caker. Then there’s LaDainian. Then there’s Maude. That old compromisin’, enterprisin’, anything but tranquilizing. Right on Maude! Right on NFL feature backs. This Bud's for you.
Public Acknowledgements: Sesame Street, Rob Base & DJ Easy Rock, Steely Dan, Keith Jackson, LL Cool J, Bea Arthur and the King of Beers
Josh Q. Public:Punks jump up to get beat down! -Brand Nubian
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Championship Weekend. And then there were four. This old man, he played four. He played knick-knack on my door. With a knick-knack paddywhack, give the dog a bone. This old man came rolling home. Who’s gonna get the bone? Who’s gonna sit on the throne? That’s what we want to know, from here to Sierra Leone. Who’s gonna come rolling home? Who’s going bowling? Super Bowling. Bowling for Dollars. Candlepins for Cash. Take the skinheads bowling. Take them bowling. All right. Let’s get to this. Like we always knew this. Like Huey Lewis. NFL Championship Weekend.
New York Football Giants at Green Bay Packers
Everybody’s jumping on the cheese wagon. Everybody’s jumping on Ted Stroehmann’s boy. Brett Fav-ruh. Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. Three-time NFL MVP. The ultimate weekend warrior. He’s got the records. Hit records. Smash records. He’s got a ring. He gets knocked down, but he gets up again. You’re never going to keep him down. He’s not getting up this time. Not against this New York Giants ballclub. I like this team. Yes, it’s gonna be cold at Lambeau. I get it. The Giants are a cold weather team too. That advantage is slim. Slim Pickens. Yes, the Giants are on the road. I get that too. But, by beating the Cowboys, deep in the heart of Texas, New York continued their remarkable road prowess. Continued their remarkable road prowess with their ninth straight victory away from home. By beating the Cowboys deep in the heart of Texas, New York set a single-season NFL record for most consecutive road wins. Yowza! They win by playing football the way it’s supposed to be played. Old time football. Eddie Shore football. They commit very few penalties. They commit even fewer turnovers. They pound the ball on the ground with Big Bad Brandon Jacobs. Eli Manning has been efficient just when you needed him most. Plaxico Burress and Amani Toomer match up with the best of them. On defense, they get to the quarterback. They’re not flashy. Not dashy. In the mouth they smashy. Team football. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit. Team, team, team. No one more important that the other. Welcome to New York Giant football!
San Diego Super Chargers at New England Patriots
I’ve been waiting for this one. Anticipating for this one. Stay right here, ’cause these are the good old days. Good old-fashioned rivalry. Colts/Pats was a nice rivalry. Colts/Pats was a cute rivalry. Brady vs. Manning. All that. But it’s time to take the gloves off with this one. Go all Ogie Ogilthorpe with this one. Punch somebody in the eye with this one. The Chargers have been doing some gabbing. Igor who? The Chargers have been doing some blabbing. The Chargers have been doing some back stabbing. Back stabbing since the Patriots did the Lights Out Dance on the Super Charger logo one year ago. Know this: You can’t have a signature dance or prop and not expect it to get used against you if things go bad. The Honky Tonk Man knew there was always a chance that somebody would take his guitar and smash it over his head. The Patriots took Shawn Merriman’s guitar and smashed it over his head. The Chargers have been crying ever since. LaDainian Tomlinson’s been crying. Shawne Merriman’s been crying. Igor Olshansky’s been crying. Phillip Rivers’ been crying. And if any of ‘em ain’t crying now, they’re gonna be crying on Sunday. All the Patriots talk about is their next foe. All the Patriots do is play football games. All the Patriots do is win football games. The Patriots are going to crush the Chargers on Sunday. Remember these three little words. These four little syllables. Brady to Moss. You’re gonna hear ‘em. Again and again. Brady to Moss. Then, Antonio Cromartie will be crying too. Antonio Gates, LaDainian Tomlinson and widdle Phiwip Wivers all have widdle boo boos. All that’s left now is, for New England to solidify their place in NFL history. New England is the best team you have ever seen. The best team there’s ever been. Better than Mats Sundin. It’s just not fair. This is what the Patriots are going to do to the Chargers on Sunday:
Public Acknowledgements: Ed Kilgore, Bob Gamere, Camper Van Beethoven, Something About Mary, Chumba Wumba, Slap Shot, Hoosiers, Carly Simon and Bartstool Sports
Josh Q. Public:Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greens keeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! -Carl Spackler
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! The Pack is back. Go, you Packers! Go and get ‘em! Go, you fighting fools! Upset ‘em! Yes, the Pack is back. The Pack is back in the NFC Championships. Back for the first time since the 1997-98 season. It’s the time of the season. When the love runs high. The love runs high for Brett Favre. Everybody’s talking about Favre. Everybody’s squawking about Favre. Everybody’s hawking Brett Favre. And with good cause. After two seasons of toil, double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn, and caldron bubble. After two seasons of that, Favre has had a magical 17th NFL campaign. A memorable 17th NFL campaign. A record breaking 17th NFL campaign. He deserves all the accolades he receives. But so does another guy. So does Ryan Grant. Ryan Grant did something Saturday. Ryan Grant did something Saturday neither Paul Hornungnor Jimmy Taylor ever did. Ryan Grant rushed for 201 yards in a playoff game. Rushed for 201 yards against the vaunted Seattle Seahawks defense. Shredded the vaunted Seattle Seahawks defense. He’s been shredding vaunted defenses all season. Grant came to the Packers this season a nondescript running back amongst a myriad of nondescript running backs. When injuries depleted the Packers’ nondescript running game, Grant became the starter. Grant became the man. The man with a plan. And he ran. He ran so far away. He just ran. He ran all night and day. He ran for 956 yards. Ran for eight touchdowns. Ran for 956 yards and eight touchdowns in 15 regular-season games. In just ten starts. He ran the Packers into the Playoffs. He ran for 201 yards, a Packers playoff record, and three TDs in a Packers playoff win. He lowered his shoulder. And he ran. Ran straight ahead. Earl Campbell style. Straight ahead to the NFC Championship Game. Ryan Grant, giving the Packers hope. Giving them hope to carry on. Lighting up their days. Filling their nights with song. Go, you Packers! Go and get ‘em! Go, you fighting fools! Upset ‘em!
Public Acknowledgements: Zombies, William Shakespeare, Bob Wolfley, Flock of Seagulls and Bob Glauber
Josh Q. Public:Don’t call it a comeback! I’ve been here for years. Rockin’ my peers and puttin’ suckas in fear. -LL Cool J
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Everybody’s been yammering about those New England Patriots. Everybody’s been jammering about those Indianapolis Colts. Everybody’s been clamoring about those Dallas Cowboys. What about these Green Bay Packers? Go, you fighting fools upset ‘em. Smash their line with all your might. A touchdown, Packers, fight, fight, fight, fight! The Packers have been fighting. Have been exciting. Filling the fans at the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field with delighting. Delighting the fans with a 7-1 record. Delighting fans atop the NFC North. On top of the world looking down on creation. So where’s the love? Father Father Father help us. Send some guidance from above. Cause people got me got me questioning. Where is the love? Where is the love for Ted Stroehmann’s boy. What about Brett Fav… ruh? The toughest summama#### to ever strap on a helmet. Brett Favre, 38. Brett Favre playing like he did during his heydays. His Say Hey Willie Mays days. Brett Favre is having an MVP-like season. Just this Sunday, Favre threw for 360 yards. Just this Sunday, Favre threw for two TDs. Just this Sunday, Favre threw the go-ahead 60-yard bomb to Greg Jennings with 3:05 left in the game. Just like he threw the game winning 82-yard bomb to Greg Jennings in OT two weeks ago. What’s not to love? Just because their elder statesman Favre is 38, don’t think for one minute this is George Allen’s Over the Hill Gang incarnate. Far from it. These Green Bay Packers are the youngest team in theNational Football League. They don’t play like it. Linebacker AJ Hawk is just nasty against the run. His third-quarter interception Sunday set up a touchdown. Aaron Kampman is the NFL’s leading sack man since 2006. He may not do a Lights Out Dance. He may not have a giant robot likeness prowling around London. Danger Will Robinson! But he may just be the best defensive end in all of football. The Packers may not have the best running game around. No three yards and a cloud of dust here. But what they lack on the ground, they more than make up for in the air. Last week, when the defense went through a rough patch in the fourth quarter. A tough patch in the fourth quarter. An HR Pufnstuf patch in the fourth quarter. When that happened, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings picked up the slack with long receptions. So while there is absolutely no doubt that geriatric Favre and his laser rocket arm remain deadly, the story doesn’t stop there. The story ends with the entire Packer team putting somebody in the wall.
Public Acknowledgements: Mike Vandermause, Eric Karll, Carpenters, Something About Mary, Black-Eyed Peas, Lost in Space, Sid & Marty Krofft and Lauren Wallace
Josh Q. Public: Sports is the toy department of human life. -Howard Cosell
Public Service Announcement: Ok here we go! Can you smell it? Oooooooh that smell. Can’t you smell that smell? I know, I know. It’s only preseason. It’s still summertime. Time to sit back and unwind. But here’s just a little somethin’ to break the monotony of all that hardcore dance that has gotten to be a little bit out of control. Just a little football. Just a little Monday Night Football. Just a little Colts/Bears football. Is it Monday yet? Yes it is. Yes it is, so here’s a couple fun factoids I found while scouring Al Gore’s Internet. Make you look all Einsteiny. Real smart around ye olde water cooler. Show ‘em you’re nobody’s fooler. Take all your friends to schooler. Now, enjoy. But don’t say I never gave you nothing.
Rookies Rookies Who Got the Cookies
Joseph Addai: Addai a deer. Far, a long long way to run. Joseph Addai ran far. Ran far when it mattered most. Ran far in the big games. In his four post season games, he set rookie post season records for receptions and yards from scrimmage. He surpassed Torry Hot Dog Holt in receptions. There isn’t enough mustard in the whole world to cover that hot dog. He surpassed Jamal Truck Lewis in yards from scrimmage. Truckin’ got my chips cashed in. Keep truckin’, like the do-dah man. Addai was truckin’ like the do-dah man. His 143 yards from scrimmage in the Super Bowl last year was second highest in history. Second only to Touchdown Timmy Smith of the Washington Redskins. And not for nothing. Just so you know. Touchdown Timmy Smith’s 213 yards (204 rushing yards) from scrimmage against the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXII is still the record for anyone. Anyone. Veterans and rookies alike. Not enough? You want one more? OK. Addai was only the second running back in NFL history to lead the postseason outright in receptions. The other guy? Chuck Foreman. Minnesota Vikings. Chuck also set the then NFC record 22 Touchdowns in 14 games during the 1975 campaign.
Devin Hester: The very bester. The bullet proof vester. The pound your chester. Last seen in the Super Bowl. Taking it to the hizzy. Opening kickoff back to the hizzy. Making folks dizzy. In the post season, only three other players made folks dizzy like that. Dizzy Miss Lizzy like that. Ron Dixon, the Gee-Men. Nat Moore, Dolphins. Vic Washington, 49ers. Devin Hester. The shake and baker. The takes the caker. The record breaker. Hester scored six TDs last season. Three on punt returns. Two on kickoff returns. One on a return of a missed field goal. He set or tied these records:
Most return touchdowns
Most touchdowns on punt and kickoff returns
Most touchdowns on kickoff returns in a game
Longest play
And because Hester did all this as a rookie, these are all the rookie marks as well. Holy cow! The one blemish? Fum-ble! Hester had seven fumblerooskis. The most of any non-QB in the league.
The Quarterbacks
Peyton Manning: We all know the 6'5", 230 pound quarterback with the laser rocket arm is good. But how good? Last year in the post season, Manning completed 97 passes in four games. 97! The old record was held by the Greatest Show on Turf. A paltry 77 by Kurt Warner. Last year, Peyton led the Colts charge to victory twelve times. Win win do it again. He did it again. Five consecutive seasons with at least ten wins as a starter. Ties the record. Elway? Nope. Unitas? Nope? Montana? Unh uh. Triplet Troy Aikman. Since 2003, Peyton has won fifty regular season games. Ties the record for wins in a four year span. That’s right. My boy. Tom Terrific. Tom Brady. Act like you know. Know this. Manning does not do it alone. He has a partner in crime. He has Marvin Harrison. He has thrown 106 TD passes to Marvelous Marvin during the regular season. That’s just about two times the next total since 1998. Just about two times more than Culpepper and Moss. Get the papers, get the papers. Manning and Harrison own the Triple Crown. Triple trouble. If you wanna know the real deal about the three. Well let me tell you, we’re triple trouble ya’ll. We’re gonna bring you up to speed. More completions, yards and touchdowns between any teammates in NFL history.
Rex Grossman: Sexy Rexy. I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts. Grossman threw for 3,193 yards last season. Say what you want about Rexy’s season but it was the second highest one season total in Da Bears history. Second behind Erik Kramer. Giddyup! He did have his moments though. Rexy had four games last year where he threw less than 200 yards. Where he didn’t throw a TD pass. And where he was intercepted at least three times. That makes him the first NFL player to have four games like that in one season since 1935. Yikes!
Other Fascinating Factoids:
Number nine. Number nine. Da Bears have drafted nine future Pro Bowlers over the last nine drafts. Yowza! Seven of those cats were selected after the first round. Mike Brown, 2nd. Devin Hester, 2nd. Olin Kreutz, 3rd. Marty Booker, 3rd. Lance Briggs, 3rd. Nathan Vasher, 4th. Jerry Azumah, 5th.
Tony Dungy has led a team to the playoffs in each of the last eight seasons. Eight! Hear that Ted Sarandis? Only two other head coaches NFL history have done that. Tom Landry. Tom, in his fabulous fedora did it twice. Chuck Knoll. Steel Curtain.
Public Acknowledgements: Indianapolis Star, Chicago Tribune, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Fresh Prince, Darold Knowels, Grateful Dead, Beatles, Sprint, Marvin Hagler, Beastie Boys, Right Said Fred and Seinfeld
Josh Q. Public:Wo! I feel nice, like sugar and ####e. I feel nice, like sugar and ####e. So nice, so nice, I got you! -James Brown
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Feel Good Fridays. I know. I know. It’s only Thursday. But I’m taking a long week-end at the beach. I deserve it. Don’t I? Hell yes I do! Yesterday I was crying about Michael Vick. Yesterday I was crying about Tim Donaghy. Yesterday I was crying about Barry Bonds. Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you, you, you. No more! From now on, I’m going to be part of the solution. From now on, every Friday, except for this Friday because I’m doing it today, Josh Q. Public will be celebrating the good guys. Men who should win the Nobel Prize. All that and McDonald’s French Fries. The men in the white hats. The Dumbledores. The Peter Petrellis. The guys you’d be proud to have on your team. Today we start with Green Bay Packer wide receiver Donald Driver. We all know about Driver’s exploits on the field. We all know he’s high profile. Agile. Versatile. Don’t you tell me to smile. You stick around I’ll make it worth your while. Got numbers beyond what you can dial. We all know he makes the tough plays on the field. One of the toughest wide receivers in the game. Last year he had the most catches in the NFL in the middle of the field. It’s off the field however, where he makes the toughest of plays. Donald persevered through incredible setbacks. At one time in his youth, he lived in the back of a U-Haul truck. His father went to prison. Driver himself turned to desperate measures. He dealt. He stole cars. And I’m driving a stolen car. On a pitch black night. And I’m telling myself I’m gonna be all right. He turned out all right. He received a four-year scholarship to Alcorn State University, where he earned a B.S. in Accounting, and worked on finishing his master’s degree in Computer Science. Since he turned pro, Driver has become one of the most active athletes in the community. He has made hundreds of appearances since his rookie 1999 season. In the spring of 2001, Donald and his wife Betina created the Donald Driver Foundation. The foundation offers assistance to ill children with unmanageable hospital bills. It provides housing for the homeless. It donates to a variety of local charities. Donald’s foundation has put previously homeless families in new, fully furnished homes. Donald has also donated much of his time and efforts to such institutions as the Milwaukee Juvenile Detention Center, the PALS program, and the Children’s Miracle Network. He has made numerous guest-speaking appearances and visited Green Bay-area schools stressing the importance of fitness and the importance of making the right decisions in life. Driver was awarded the Community Service Award by the Green Bay Chamber of Commerce in recognition of his outstanding community involvement. Donald also had the honor of receiving the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award, which is the only NFL award that recognizes off-the-field community service as well as playing excellence. Sweetness! Here’s to you Donald Driver. One of the good guys.
Public Acknowledgements: Donald Driver Foundation, The Imperials, Hogwarts, Heroes, Beastie Boys and Bruce Springsteen
Josh Q. Public: If life seems jolly rotten, there’s something you’ve forgotten. And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing. Always look on the bright side of life. -Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Whatsamatta Binky? Life got you down? I’m down. I’m really down. I’m down. Down on the ground. I’m down. How can you laugh, when you know I’m down? How can you laugh, when you know I’m down? You’re sad because your Yankees can’t seem to score runs to save their lives. Well, lighten up Francis, at least you’re not a Detroit Lions’ fan. At least you didn’t go 3-13 last year. You’re upset because your beloved little Cubbies haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Don’t worry. In every life we have some trouble. But when you worry you make it double. Don’t worry, be happy. Be happy you’re not a Lions fan. The Lions have won only one playoff game since 1957. And the next one won’t come anytime soon. Not in a blue moon. They will forever continue this swoon. Your Minnesota Timberwolves are about to lose Kevin Garnett? The Big Ticket is sick and tired of losing? He’s as mad as hell and he’s not going to take this anymore! Big deal. Barry Sanders stunned the sports world by retiring back in 1999. When Detroit fans woke up that morning, they coulda sworn it was judgment day. The Day The Music Died. The day Barry quit. The day the best football player in the world just up and quit because he couldn’t stand losing. I guess you’d call it cowardice, but I’m not prepared to go on like this. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing. You’re a Paper Clips’ fan and the drafts just haven’t gone the way you would have liked? Get over it. Joey Harrington? Charles Rodgers? Four wideouts in four years? And I can’t remember how many, many more. But we multiplied them all by four. And some of them thanked us with a roar. You’re a Bears‘ fan and you’re crying because you don’t like how management has been handling your team in the off season? Are you kidding me? This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco. This ain’t no fooling around. No time for dancing, or lovey dovey. I ain’t got time for that now. The Lions sure as heck don’t. The got Matt Millen. After the Lions won sixteen games in Millen’s first four seasons, owner William Clay Ford gave Millen five more years on the job. Five! He hired Marty Mornhinweg as head coach in 2001. You remember Mornhinweg. He’s the cat who didn’t want to be against the wind. Against the wind. Didn’t want to be seeking shelter against the wind. So he gave up the ball. Gave up the ball to the Chicago Bears. Gave up the ball and the game. Gave up the game sixteen times on the road in Mornhinweg’s tenure. Yup, that would be all of ‘em. Then there was Mariucci. He didn’t help. Help me if you can, I’m feeling down. And I do appreciate you being round. Help me, get my feet back on the ground. Won’t you please, please help me. Steve Mariucci came to the Detroit Lions with a winning NFL record, a penchant for offense and raised expectations. He didn’t stand a chance. And so it goes. And so it goes, and so it goes. But where it’s goin’ no one knows. As long as Matt Millen is at the helm, these Lions will continue to flounder as the worst franchise in sports.
Public Acknowledgements: Beatles, ESPN, Stripes, Bobby McFerrin, Network, Prince, Don McLean, The Police, Peter Vecsey, School House Rock, Talking Heads, Bob Seger and Nick Lowe.
Josh Q. Public: I used to watch Dr. J, come through in the clutch. Remember New Zoo Review, and Starsky and Hutch. I remember lunchtime, we used to rhyme out loud. Peace to the Wop and the hip-hop crowd. -Coolio
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Like my main Nas always says: “I’m takin’ y’all on a trip straight through memory lane.” Here comes the Super Bowl. It’s coming fast. It’s coming furious. Dominic Toretto has nothing on this game. Who’s gonna be the star? That’s what we want to know. Who’s gonna be the star? Who’s gets themselves the big cigar? Who gets all the cookies in the cookie jar? That’s what we want to to know. Everybody from here to Qatar. Is it going to be Devin Hester, the very bester? Are you planning on Peyton Manning? Who’s gonna come up big in the big game? Who’s gonna stand tall in the superest of them all. I’ll tell you one guy who came up biggo. A man they called Riggo. What you don’t like that rhyme? Come on, Sandy Baby, loosen up. You’re too tight.
You remember John Riggins. You remember him at Kansas. Breaking all kinds of rushing records at Kansas. Breaking all kinds of Gale Sayers’ rushing records at Kansas. You remember he played for the Jets. J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. Had that Mohawk with the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. That Travis Bickle Mohawk with the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. You remember he signed with the Skins. Signed with the Skins and then voluntarily sat out one year. Came back. Came back with a vengeance. The 6-2, 230-pound Riggins was not a spectacular running back. Not a flashy running back. Think lunchpail. No Barry Sanders, he. But he was a classic workhorse ball carrier. A Clydesdale. A beast. One of the the toughest summama####es to ever put on cleats. He carried 2,916 times for 11,352 yards and 104 touchdowns during his career. He also caught 250 passes for 2,090 yards and 12 TDs. His 13,435 combined net yards are among the best ever. So are his 116 total touchdowns. He was the second player ever to run to the hizzy over 100 times in NFL histizzy. The first to do it since Jim Brown All American did it in 1965. But where he excelled. Where he excelled where others have failed, was gaining the tough yardage in the big games.
The original Diesel came up big in 1982. Yesterday was the anniversary. Today's the day I talk about it. Came up super. Came up super in Super Bowl XVII. Came up super in Super Bowl XVII versus the Dolphins. He had 38 carries for 166 yards and a touchdown. He had 38 carries for 166 yards and a touchdown along with a 15-yard reception. A record breaking 38 carries. Against the Miami’s vaunted No. 1-rated defense. And that’s such a small part of the story.
Fourth quarter. Ten Minutes to go. Skins down four. Fourth and a Lilliputian. Theisman. (Used to be pronounced Thees-man.) Theisman hands off to Riggo. Riggo heads left. Here comes cornerback Don McNeal. Steamroller baby, steamroller. There goes Riggo. There goes Riggo down the sideline. You've seen the highlights. Riggo at the thirty. Riggo at the 20. Glenn Blackwood in hot pursuit. Not to be confused with brother, Lyle. Yes, I’m running down the railway track. Could you help me? Police on my back. They will catch me, if I dare drop back. Wont you give me all the speed I lack? He…could…go… He does. Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! Redskins win! It was longest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history. If you were from DC, it was the biggest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history. No other back had ever run for 100 yards or more in four straight playoff games. No other back has gained more than 158 yards in a Super Bowl. No other back had ever run for 610 yards in four playoff games. Nobody came up as biggo. As biggo as Riggo.
Any mention of the Riggo has to include the fact that he lived outta his van down by the [Potomac] river…Random sightings of the Diesel, face down on the bar at Nathan’s in G-town in the middle of the day.…Yep, they don’t make em “old-school” like dat anymore…
Josh Q. Public: Got a punch to crunch, cold munch for lunch. Not Grady or the lady from the Brady Bunch. -Run DMC
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! Too soon? Too soon to make my pick? Too much is never enough. Super Sunday. Super fun day. Super more fun than Tank Johnson’s submachine gunday. This it. This is it, the night of nights. This is it, we’ll hit the heights. And oh what heights we’ll hit. On with the show, this is it. Bugs Bunny style. Who to pick? Who to pick? That’s the question. Who to pick? Survey says: The Bears.
That’s right folks I’m picking the Chicago Bears. The Monsters of the Midway. Super Bowl Shuffling all the way to Disney World. Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown. You’re the pride and joy of Illinois. Chicago Bears, Bear down! And Bear down they will. They will Bear down with their running attack. The Colts’ poor tackling was a major problem during the regular season. A major problem. A Major Healey problem. A Major Wolfgang Hochstetter problem. A Lee Majors problem. A Six Million Dollar problem. The Colts had the NFL’s worst rushing defense during the regular season. We know they turned that around in the playoffs. We also know it resurfaced last week. It resurfaced last week in the first half against the Patriots. The Pats ran 19 times for 85 yards in that first half. The Pats ran for a dominating 4.5 yards per carry. Sure the Colts made some adjustments. But the Patriots ran only five times in the second half. I assure you, the Bears will not give up on the running game so easily. They will run early. They will run often. Three yards and a cloud of dust. Again. Again. And again. Cedric Benson will Bear down. Thomas Jones will Bear down. He Beared down against the Saints. Beared down for 123 yards. Beared down for two TDs. And you saw the drive. You saw the drive to close out the game. Smash mouth football baby! Goodness!
The Chicago defense will Bear down. Number one in the NFC. Number one in our hearts. The Bears just held the NFC’s best offense to just 14 points. Held them to 56 yards on the ground. Terminate ‘em! Eliminate ‘em! Defense, defense! Annihilate ‘em! Oh they will. Brian Keith Urlacher. Number fifty-four. That’s all you need to know. Mean from head to toe. He’ll catch you wherever you go. Brian Urlacher’s gonna Bear down. You can bet your bippy on that. He’s the big Kahuna on this Bears defense. The number one monster of the Midway. It will be his job to shut down Dallas Clark. Shut down Clark who leads all postseason receivers with 17 catches. Shut down Clark who leads all postseason receivers with 281 yards. Clark is averaging 16.5 yards per catch in these playoffs. He hasn’t played against Urlacher. Urlacher is big. Urlacher is fast. Urlacher is big and fast. Clark does not stand a chance. Not a snowball’s chance. Not a snowball’s chance in the south of France. Lance Briggs will Bear down. Mark Anderson will Bear down. Ricky Manning Jr. will bear down. The Chicago defense will Bear down and create turnovers. Ease my troubles, that’s what they do. That’s what they’re good at. They led the league with 44 takeaways. They forced four turnovers Sunday. They made Drew Brees fumble. They made Drew Brees fumble less than a minute after Berrian’s TD, and took the wind right out of the Saints‘ sails. Took the wind out of their sails and shuffled to the Super Bowl.
Lastly but not leastly, Devin Hester. You know Devin Hester’s gonna Bear down. Gonna Bear down on special teams. Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the pound your chester, the bulletproof vester, the very bester. Expect at least one Sports Center special out of this cat. Expect this cat to give the Bears good field position. Expect this cat to give Chicago good enough field position to Bear down and win this ballgame. Ellis Hobbs of the New England Patriots had 220 total kickoff return yards against the Colts in the AFC Championship Game, the second most in NFL playoff history. Just think what the Very Bester's gonna bear down and do. Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown. You’re the pride and joy of Illinois. Chicago Bears, bear down! Th-th-th-that’s all folks!
Josh Q. Public:Knowledge will forever govern ignorance; and a people who mean to be their own governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives. -James Madison
Public Knowledge:
1. Big trouble in the Big Apple. Down goes Curry! Eddy Curry who has been coming up big lately, fell down hard. Fell down hard and strained his left calf on a baby-hook. That does not bode well for Zeke or the Knicks.
2. Willie Randolph gets a three-year deal with the Mets. Good. He deserves it. Should have won Manager of the Year.
3. With the Patriots out of the picture, I’m rooting for Devin Hester. Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the pound your chester, the bulletproof vester, the very bester. I’m rooting for Devin Hester to join Desmond Howard as the only special team player to win the Super Bowl MVP. Mr. Excitement. Is there any play in football more exciting than the return for the touchdown. From Pop Warner to the pros, we love it. It brought Lovie Smith to tears. We loved Billy White Shoes Johnson. We loved Mel Gray. We loved Desmond Howard. We loved Dante Hall. We loved Eric Metcalf. We loved David Meggett. We loved Greg Pruitt. We love Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the very bester.
4. What’s going on down in Kenmore Square? Remember that episode of #### Eye For The Straight Guy?The Fab Five making over Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, and other Sox? Well, the creators of the show are about to start looking for contestants to be in another reality show that will involve the team, entitled Sox Appeal. A woman will be paired up with a date for two innings o####ame, then another date for another two innings. Then, in the 7th inning stretch, she’ll decide which one she wants to stay with for the rest of the game. Just stupid. If that ain’t enough, John Henry, the Sox’ principle owner is looking to become 50% owners of Roush Racing, a top NASCAR team. Too many fingers in too many pies. How ’bout focusing on winning another title? Huh? How ’bout that?
5. Who dey? Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was sent to jail for two days after pleading guilty to allowing minors to drink alcohol in his hotel room last spring. How do you keep a guy like that on your team? What kind of message are you trying to send out. Just disgraceful. Kenton County District Judge Greg Grothaus: “You brought shame with this on yourself.” Sounds a lot like Slapshot: “You do dat, you go to da box, you know, uh, two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know, and then you get free.” Denis Lemieux style.
6. Here keep coming the Suns. It took them nearly 40 years to win 15 straight games. They needed only a month to do it again. Between them and the Mavericks the West is looking mighty tough. Mighty tough. And with Chairman Yao coming back after the All-Star break, we should have ourselves a good ole fashioned bahn burnah.
7. On Wisconsin! On Wisconsin! Grand old Badger state! Wisconsin smashed Michigan 71-58 last night to extend the nation’s longest winning streak to 16 games, breaking a 66-year school record. Alando Tucker, Brian Butch and company sure look tough. Tougher than leather. Tougher than Leather Tuscadero. The Big Ten is proving to be a formidable conference. That’s gonna be one great tournament to watch.
8. What had happened was. Here we go. T.O. says he wasn’t taking a shot at the Tuna with his comments after the Cowboys head coach announced his retirement on Monday. Are you sure? It really sounded like you were. Well, I guess I believe you. Why shouldn’t I?
9. We all love LeBron, but is he clutch? King James scored 13 points in the second overtime period but missed a 3-pointer at the buzzer in an attempt to extend the game. In his career, LeBron has made 4 of 14 potential game-tying or game-winning field-goal attempts in the final second of either the fourth quarter or overtime. You be the judge. Judge Wapner. Judge Judy. Judge Nelson. Mike Judge.
10. You can’t handle the Truth. Or more to the point, you can’t handle the NBA without the Truth. My Celtics drop their record to 2-15 in games without Paul Pierce this season. And not for nothing, with a loss at Sacramento, the Bucks’ record fell to 1-8 this season without Michael Redd. And that’s the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothin’ but the Truth, Ruth.
11. The Mamba’s boy. Chucky Atkins. Chucky came off the Grizzlies‘ bench to score 29 points and hand out 15 assists in a 132-130 overtime victory at Utah. Atkins was the first NBA player with at least 25 points and 15 assists in a game he didn’t start since Cleveland’sBobby Washington (26 points, 15 assists) did it against the Lakers on Feb. 9, 1971.
12. If you were able to find out where the Versus Channel is on your network dial, good for you. If you did, you saw history. If you did, you saw Joe Sakic. You saw Joe Sakic get four assists. You saw Sakic’s seventh multiple-point game in All-Star play, breaking the record he had shared with Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier and Luc Robitaille. Way to go Joe. Super Joe. Super Joe Charbeneau.
Josh Q. Public: The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will. -Vince Lombardi
Public Knowledge:
1. Tamerlane Lincoln Kennedy. You remember him. Lincoln Kennedy of the Oakland Raiders? Offensive tackle. Part of the 12-0 National Champion Washington Huskies in 1991. Two time Pro Bowler. The Oval Office. Retired in 2004. Well, he’s baaack. Playing for the Dallas Desparados of the Arena Football League. Must have run out of money. Right?
2. So Juan Marichal wants Big Mac in the Hall? Isn’t he that cat? Isn’t he that cat who did it like this, did it like that, did it with a baseball bat. Did it with a baseball bat to John Roseboro? Smashed John Roseboro in the head two times with said baseball bat. Get the papers, get the papers. He’s lucky he’s in the Hall.
3. Is there any stopping this Suns Juggernaut? Not tonight. Not the Knicks. Shooting the lights out. The Suns made 61 percent of their shots against the Wiz(48 for 79), their highest in any game in over seven years. However, 20 of Phoenix’s 31 misses came on 3-point attempts. On two-point shots, the Suns went 35 for 46, 76 percent. That was the second-highest field-goal percentage in NBA history on two-point shots. On March 13, 1998, the Clippers made 52 of 66 two-pointers, 79 percent. Goodness!
4. The Ohio State University is number six on the charts. Number one in our hearts. The Gigantic-O is starting to dominate. One handed. Wait till tournament time. Is that the team you want to face then?
5. Bernie Baseball wants one more year in the Bronx. Good luck with that.
6. The NFL and its players union have agreed to more extensive testing for performance-enhancing drugs and have added the blood-boosting substance EPO to the league’s list of banned substances. Things could get interesting here. I have to believe there are a ton of NFL players on the juice. How cool was the Jeremy Shockey helmetless play? Walkie Talkie Shockey. He walks the walk. He talks the talk. If you’re a Giant fan, how can you not love that guy? But it got me thinking. It got me thinking, when people start acting crazy like that out there, I’d give ‘em a steroid test right on the spot. Merriman busts through the line and busts out the Lights Out dance. Steroid test. Reggie Bush goes…all…the way…and points at defenders before doing a summersault in the end zone, steroid test. Drayton Florence Henderson head butts an opposing player, steroid test. On the spot. Every time.
7. Michael Vick will not be traded and will be the Atlanta Falcons’ starting quarterback in 2007, the team’s ownership said. We’ll see. I never bought into Ron Mexico’s game. Exciting? Sure. Game breaker? At times. Super Bowl Quarterback? Never. He’s no MightyVince Young, I’ll tell you that. Mighty Vince, the Nashville Prince. My new favorite non- Patriot.
8. The arrest of Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Johnathan Joseph has members of the team Furious Five, embarrassed and concerned that guilt by association has ruined public perception of the team. As well it should. I’d cut this cat right now. Stop the madness. You have to start somewhere.
9. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. With a listed height of 6-foot, Allen Iverson became the shortest player in NBA history to score 20,000 points. That distinction had previously belonged to 6-2, We Are Marshall, Hal Greer.
10. Is Rex Grossman the worst Super Bowl quarterback ever? Vince Feragamo? Trent Dilfer? Champagne Tony Eason? Billy Kilmer? David Woodley? Craig Morton?
Josh Q. Public: I feel good, I knew that I would now. So good, so good, I got you! -James Brown
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! I feel good! I feel good about the feel good story of the NFL. I feel good about the feel good Saints. They ain’t the Aint’s no more. Hey, Buddy D, you can take that paper bag off your Cajun cranium. Your cranium that protects your branium. It’s go time. It’s showtime. It’s Bridget Bardeaux time. The Saints go marching in to Miami, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel good about Drew Brees. Cool Brees. Have arm, will travel. The rootinest tootinest gunslinger in the West. Throwing for over 4,000 yards. How do you think the Chargers would have done last Sunday if he were still there? Well, he’s not. He’s with the Saints. He is All-Pro with the Saints. Heck, he’s All-World. All World B. Free. He has a 96.2 passer rating. He avoids the rush in the pocket. He’s a leader. Everyone knows he’s the guy. He’s the guy that will take you where you want to go. And if you want to go to Miami, buenvenidos a Miami, then so be it. He proved it last week against the Eagles. Cool Brees was 20-of-32. Cool Brees passed for 243 yards and a touchdown. Most importantly, Cool Brees threw nary an interception. Cool Brees delivered enough clutch throws to put the Saints over the top for a 27-24 victory. Just win baby! That’s all Cool Brees has been doing.
I feel good about the Saints whole offensive package. The Deuce is Loose McAllister, St. Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and company have been an absolute machine. A wrecking machine. A mean machine. They’re just a mean machine and they don’t work for nobody but you. They’re a mean machine that topped the National Football League in total offense during the regular season at 391.5 yards per game. A mean machine that went out last week and set this year’s playoff high total of 435 yards of offense against the Eagles. A mean, balanced machine against the Eagles, totaling 208 yards on the ground and 227 yards through the air. As good as the Bears defense is, I gotta think they’ll have their hands full on Sunday. Saints win! Saints win!
Dillon. Last year, the Indianapolis Colts featured Addai a Deer and Dominic Rhodes. Dynamic Duos. Terrible Twosomes. This year? Not so much. This year it’s all feature backs all the time. All beatchya backs all the time. All Grade A meature backs all the time. Ryan Grant is helping the Packers reach the Super Bowl for the first time in a decade. He’s living the dream. Making folks scream. I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. In 2005, he spent the entire season on the injured reserve. In 2006, he spent the entire season on the Giants practice squad. This season, he’s making things happen. Brandon Jacobs is making things happen. Brandon Jacobs is rumbling, bumbling and stumbling his way to make Giants fans soon forget Tiki 
Barber. He’s big. He’s powerful. He’s fast. Think Eddie George. Think battering ram. Shattering ram. Splattering ram. In New England there’s another guy. In a pass happy New England Patriots’ offense, Laurence Maroney is hitting the holes. In a pass happy Patriots’ offense, Maroney is running with power. The man of the hour, tower of power, he’ll devour. He’s gonna tie you up and let you understand that he’s not your average man when he gets a football in his hands. Daaaaamn! In a pass happy Patriots’ offense Maroney throws a block here. In a pass happy Patriots’ offense Maroney takes a handoff there. Does whatever it takes. Does whatever it to win football games. Then there’s the touchdown maker. The shake and baker. The record breaker. The takes the caker. Then there’s LaDainian. Then there’s Maude. That old compromisin’, enterprisin’, anything but tranquilizing. Right on Maude! Right on NFL feature backs. This Bud's for you.
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Championship Weekend. And then there were four. This old man, he played four. He played knick-knack on my door. With a knick-knack paddywhack, give the dog a bone. This old man came rolling home. Who’s gonna get the bone? Who’s gonna sit on the throne? That’s what we want to know, from here to Sierra Leone. Who’s gonna come rolling home? Who’s going bowling? Super Bowling. Bowling for Dollars. Candlepins for Cash. Take the skinheads bowling. Take them bowling. All right. Let’s get to this. Like we always knew this. Like Huey Lewis. NFL Championship Weekend.
remarkable road prowess with their ninth straight victory away from home. By beating the Cowboys deep in the heart of Texas, New York set a single-season NFL record for most consecutive road wins. Yowza! They win by playing football the way it’s supposed to be played. Old time football. Eddie Shore football. They commit very few penalties. They commit even fewer turnovers. They pound the ball on the ground with Big Bad Brandon Jacobs. Eli Manning has been efficient just when you needed him most. Plaxico Burress and Amani Toomer match up with the best of them. On defense, they get to the quarterback. They’re not flashy. Not dashy. In the mouth they smashy. Team football. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit. Team, team, team. No one more important that the other. Welcome to New York Giant football!
Tomlinson’s been crying. Shawne Merriman’s been crying. Igor Olshansky’s been crying. Phillip Rivers’ been crying. And if any of ‘em ain’t crying now, they’re gonna be crying on Sunday. All the Patriots talk about is their next foe. All the Patriots do is play football games. All the Patriots do is win football games. The Patriots are going to crush the Chargers on Sunday. Remember these three little words. These four little syllables. Brady to Moss. You’re gonna hear ‘em. Again and again. Brady to Moss. Then, Antonio Cromartie will be crying too. Antonio Gates, LaDainian Tomlinson and widdle Phiwip Wivers all have widdle boo boos. All that’s left now is, for New England to solidify their place in NFL history. New England is the best team you have ever seen. The best team there’s ever been. Better than Mats Sundin. It’s just not fair. This is what the Patriots are going to do to the Chargers on Sunday:
the accolades he receives. But so does another guy. So does Ryan Grant. Ryan Grant did something Saturday. Ryan Grant did something Saturday neither Paul Hornung nor Jimmy Taylor ever did. Ryan Grant rushed for 201 yards in a playoff game. Rushed for 201 yards against the vaunted Seattle Seahawks defense. Shredded the vaunted Seattle Seahawks defense. He’s been shredding vaunted defenses all season. Grant came to the Packers this season a nondescript running back amongst a myriad of nondescript running backs. When injuries depleted the Packers’ nondescript running game, Grant became the starter. Grant became the man. The man with a 
plan. And he ran. He ran so far away. He just ran. He ran all night and day. He ran for 956 yards. Ran for eight touchdowns. Ran for 956 yards and eight touchdowns in 15 regular-season games. In just ten starts. He ran the Packers into the Playoffs. He ran for 201 yards, a Packers playoff record, and three TDs in a Packers playoff win. He lowered his shoulder. And he ran. Ran straight ahead. Earl Campbell style. Straight ahead to the NFC Championship Game. Ryan Grant, giving the Packers hope. Giving them hope to carry on. Lighting up their days. Filling their nights with song. Go, you Packers! Go and get ‘em! Go, you fighting fools! Upset ‘em!
above. Cause people got me got me questioning. Where is the love? Where is the love for Ted Stroehmann’s boy. What about Brett Fav… ruh? The toughest summama
National Football League. They don’t play like it. Linebacker AJ Hawk is just nasty against the run. His third-quarter interception Sunday set up a touchdown. Aaron Kampman is the NFL’s leading sack man since 2006. He may not do a Lights Out Dance. He may not have a giant robot likeness prowling around London. Danger Will Robinson! But he may just be the best defensive end in all of football. The Packers may not have the best running game around. No three yards and a cloud of dust here. But what they lack on the ground, they more than make up for in the air. Last week, when 
the defense went through a rough patch in the fourth quarter. A tough patch in the fourth quarter. An HR Pufnstuf patch in the fourth quarter. When that happened, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings picked up the slack with long receptions. So while there is absolutely no doubt that geriatric Favre and his laser rocket arm remain deadly, the story doesn’t stop there. The story ends with the entire Packer team putting somebody in the wall.
Devin Hester: The very bester. The bullet proof vester. The pound your chester. Last seen in the Super Bowl. Taking it to the hizzy. Opening kickoff back to the hizzy. Making folks dizzy. In the post season, only three other players made folks dizzy like that. Dizzy Miss Lizzy like that. Ron Dixon, the Gee-Men. Nat Moore, Dolphins. Vic Washington, 49ers. Devin Hester. The shake and baker. The takes the caker. The record breaker. Hester scored six TDs last season. Three on punt returns. Two on kickoff returns. One on a return of a missed field goal. He set or tied these records:
Rex Grossman: Sexy Rexy. I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts. Grossman threw for 3,193 yards last season. Say what you want about Rexy’s season but it was the second highest one season total in Da Bears history. Second behind Erik Kramer. Giddyup! He did have his moments though. Rexy had four games last year where he threw less than 200 yards. Where he didn’t throw a TD pass. And where he was intercepted at least three times. That makes him the first NFL player to have four games like that in one season since 1935. Yikes!
Tony Dungy has led a team to the playoffs in each of the last eight seasons. Eight! Hear that Ted Sarandis? Only two other head coaches NFL history have done that. Tom Landry. Tom, in his fabulous fedora did it twice. Chuck Knoll. Steel Curtain. 
The men in the white hats. The Dumbledores. The Peter Petrellis. The guys you’d be proud to have on your team. Today we start with Green Bay Packer wide receiver Donald Driver. We all know about Driver’s exploits on the field. We all know he’s high profile. Agile. Versatile. Don’t you tell me to smile. You stick around I’ll make it worth your while. Got numbers beyond what you can dial. We all know he makes the tough plays on the field. One of the toughest wide receivers in the game. Last year he had the most catches in the NFL in the middle of the field. It’s off the field however, where he makes the toughest of plays. Donald persevered through incredible setbacks. At one time in his youth, he lived in
the back of a U-Haul truck. His father went to prison. Driver himself turned to desperate measures. He dealt. He stole cars. And I’m driving a stolen car. On a pitch black night. And I’m telling myself I’m gonna be all right. He turned out all right. He received a four-year scholarship to Alcorn State University, where he earned a B.S. in Accounting, and worked on finishing his master’s degree in Computer Science. Since he turned pro, Driver has become one of the most active athletes in the community. He has made hundreds of appearances since his rookie 1999 season. In the spring of 2001, Donald and his wife Betina created the Donald Driver Foundation. The foundation offers assistance to ill children with unmanageable hospital bills. It provides housing for the homeless. It donates to a variety of local charities. 
not a Detroit Lions’ fan. At least you didn’t go 3-13 last year. You’re upset because your beloved little Cubbies haven’t won a World Series since 1908? Don’t worry. In every life we have some trouble. But when you worry you make it double. Don’t worry, be happy. Be happy you’re not a Lions fan. The Lions have won only one playoff game since 1957. And the next one won’t come anytime soon. Not in a blue moon. They will forever continue this swoon. Your Minnesota Timberwolves are about to lose Kevin Garnett? The Big Ticket is sick and tired of losing? He’s as mad as hell and he’s not going to take this anymore! Big deal. Barry Sanders stunned the sports world by retiring back in 
1999. When Detroit fans woke up that morning, they coulda sworn it was judgment day. The Day The Music Died. The day Barry quit. The day the best football player in the world just up and quit because he couldn’t stand losing. I guess you’d call it cowardice, but I’m not prepared to go on like this. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t stand losing. You’re a Paper Clips’ fan and the drafts just haven’t gone the way you would have liked? Get over it. Joey Harrington? Charles Rodgers? Four wideouts in four years? And I can’t remember how many, many more. But we multiplied them all by four. And some of them thanked us with a roar. You’re a Bears‘ fan and you’re crying because you don’t like how management has been handling your team in the off season? Are you kidding me? This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco. This 
ain’t no fooling around. No time for dancing, or lovey dovey. I ain’t got time for that now. The Lions sure as heck don’t. The got Matt Millen. After the Lions won sixteen games in Millen’s first four seasons, owner William Clay Ford gave Millen five more years on the job. Five! He hired Marty Mornhinweg as head coach in 2001. You remember Mornhinweg. He’s the cat who didn’t want to be against the wind. Against the wind. Didn’t want to be seeking shelter against the wind. So he gave up the ball. Gave up the ball to the Chicago Bears. Gave up the ball and the game. Gave up the game sixteen times on the road in Mornhinweg’s tenure. Yup, that would be all of ‘em. Then there was Mariucci. He didn’t help. Help me if you can, I’m feeling down. And I do appreciate you being round. Help me, get 
my feet back on the ground. Won’t you please, please help me. Steve Mariucci came to the Detroit Lions with a winning NFL record, a penchant for offense and raised expectations. He didn’t stand a chance. And so it goes. And so it goes, and so it goes. But where it’s goin’ no one knows. As long as Matt Millen is at the helm, these Lions will continue to flounder as the worst franchise in sports.
bester? Are you planning on Peyton Manning? Who’s gonna come up big in the big game? Who’s gonna stand tall in the superest of them all. I’ll tell you one guy who came up biggo. A man they called Riggo. What you don’t like that rhyme? Come on, Sandy Baby, loosen up. You’re too tight.
rushing records at Kansas. Breaking all kinds of Gale Sayers’ rushing records at Kansas. You remember he played for the Jets. J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. Had that Mohawk with the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. That Travis Bickle Mohawk with the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. You remember he signed with the Skins. Signed with the Skins and then voluntarily sat out one year. Came back. Came back with a vengeance. The 6-2, 230-pound Riggins was not a spectacular running back. Not a flashy running back. Think lunchpail. No Barry Sanders, he. But he was a classic workhorse ball carrier. A Clydesdale. A beast. One of the the toughest summama
times for 11,352 yards and 104 touchdowns during his career. He also caught 250 passes for 2,090 yards and 12 TDs. His 13,435 combined net yards are among the best ever. So are his 116 total touchdowns. He was the second player ever to run to the hizzy over 100 times in NFL histizzy. The first to do it since Jim Brown All American did it in 1965. But where he excelled. Where he excelled where others have failed, was gaining the tough yardage in the big games.
Bowl XVII. Came up super in Super Bowl XVII versus the Dolphins. He had 38 carries for 166 yards and a touchdown. He had 38 carries for 166 yards and a touchdown along with a 15-yard reception. A record breaking 38 carries. Against the Miami’s vaunted No. 1-rated defense. And that’s such a small part of the story. 
Fourth quarter. Ten Minutes to go. Skins down four. Fourth and a Lilliputian. Theisman. (Used to be pronounced Thees-man.) Theisman hands off to Riggo. Riggo heads left. Here comes cornerback Don McNeal. Steamroller baby, steamroller. There goes Riggo. There goes Riggo down the sideline. You've seen the highlights. Riggo at the thirty. Riggo at the 20. Glenn Blackwood in hot pursuit. Not to be confused with brother, Lyle. Yes, I’m running down the railway track. Could you help me? Police on my back. They will catch me, if I dare drop back. Wont you give me all the speed I lack? He…could…go… He does. Touchdown! 
Touchdown! Touchdown! Redskins win! It was longest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history. If you were from DC, it was the biggest touchdown run from scrimmage in Super Bowl history. No other back had ever run for 100 yards or more in four straight playoff games. No other back has gained more than 158 yards in a Super Bowl. No other back had ever run for 610 yards in four playoff games. Nobody came up as biggo. As biggo as Riggo.
That’s right folks I’m picking the Chicago Bears. The Monsters of the Midway. Super Bowl Shuffling all the way to Disney World. Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown. You’re the pride and joy of Illinois. Chicago Bears, Bear down! And Bear down they will. They will Bear down with their running attack. The Colts’ poor tackling was a major problem during the regular season. A major problem. A 
We know they turned that around in the playoffs. We also know it resurfaced last week. It resurfaced last week in the first half against the Patriots. The Pats ran 19 times for 85 yards in that first half. The Pats ran for a dominating 4.5 yards per carry. Sure the Colts made some adjustments. But the Patriots ran only five times in the second half. I assure you, the Bears will not give up on the running game so easily. They will run early. They will run often. Three yards and a cloud of dust. Again. Again. And again. Cedric Benson will Bear down. Thomas Jones will Bear down. He Beared down against the Saints. Beared down for 123 yards. Beared down for two TDs. And you saw the drive. You saw the drive to close out the game. Smash mouth football baby! Goodness! 
The Chicago defense will Bear down. Number one in the NFC. Number one in our hearts. The Bears just held the NFC’s best offense to just 14 points. Held them to 56 yards on the ground. Terminate ‘em! Eliminate ‘em! Defense, defense! Annihilate ‘em! Oh they will. Brian Keith Urlacher. Number fifty-four. That’s all you need to know. Mean from head to toe. He’ll catch you wherever you go. Brian Urlacher’s gonna Bear down. You can bet your bippy on that. He’s the big Kahuna on this Bears defense. The number one monster of the Midway. It will be his job to shut down Dallas Clark. Shut down Clark who leads all postseason 
receivers with 17 catches. Shut down Clark who leads all postseason receivers with 281 yards. Clark is averaging 16.5 yards per catch in these playoffs. He hasn’t played against Urlacher. Urlacher is big. Urlacher is fast. Urlacher is big and fast. Clark does not stand a chance. Not a snowball’s chance. Not a snowball’s chance in the south of France. Lance Briggs will Bear down. Mark Anderson will Bear down. Ricky Manning Jr. will bear down. The Chicago defense will Bear down and create turnovers. Ease my troubles, that’s what they do. That’s what they’re good at. They led the league with 44 takeaways. They forced four turnovers Sunday. They made Drew Brees fumble. They made Drew Brees fumble less than a minute after Berrian’s TD, and took the wind right out of the Saints‘ sails. Took the wind out of their sails and shuffled to the Super Bowl.
Lastly but not leastly, Devin Hester. You know Devin Hester’s gonna Bear down. Gonna Bear down on special teams. Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the pound your chester, the bulletproof vester, the very bester. Expect at least one Sports Center special out of this cat. Expect this cat to give the Bears good field position. Expect this cat to give Chicago good enough field position to Bear down and win this ballgame. Ellis Hobbs of the New England Patriots had 220 total kickoff return yards against the Colts in the AFC Championship Game, the second most in NFL playoff history. Just think what the Very Bester's gonna bear down and do. Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you’re wearing the crown. You’re the pride and joy of Illinois. Chicago Bears, bear down! Th-th-th-that’s all folks!
3. With the Patriots out of the picture, I’m rooting for Devin Hester. Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the pound your chester, the bulletproof vester, the very bester. I’m rooting for Devin Hester to join Desmond Howard as the only special team player to win the Super Bowl MVP. Mr. Excitement. Is there any play in football more exciting than the return for the touchdown. From Pop Warner to the pros, we love it. It brought Lovie Smith to tears. We loved Billy White Shoes Johnson. We loved Mel Gray. We loved Desmond Howard. We loved Dante Hall. We loved Eric Metcalf. We loved David Meggett. We loved Greg Pruitt. We love Devin Hester, Mr. Anytime, the very bester.
5. Who dey? Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was sent to jail for two days after pleading guilty to allowing minors to drink alcohol in his hotel room last spring. How do you keep a guy like that on your team? What kind of message are you trying to send out. Just disgraceful. Kenton County District Judge Greg Grothaus: “You brought shame with this on yourself.” Sounds a lot like Slapshot: “You do dat, you go to da box, you know, uh, two minutes by yourself, and you feel shame, you know, and then you get free.” Denis Lemieux style. 
9. We all love LeBron, but is he clutch? King James scored 13 points in the second overtime period but missed a 3-pointer at the buzzer in an attempt to extend the game. In his career, LeBron has made 4 of 14 potential game-tying or game-winning field-goal attempts in the final second of either the fourth quarter or overtime. You be the judge. Judge Wapner. Judge Judy. Judge Nelson. Mike Judge.
12. If you were able to find out where the Versus Channel is on your network dial, good for you. If you did, you saw history. If you did, you saw Joe Sakic. You saw Joe Sakic get four assists. You saw Sakic’s seventh multiple-point game in All-Star play, breaking the record he had shared with Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Mark Messier and Luc Robitaille. Way to go Joe. Super Joe. Super Joe Charbeneau.
2. So Juan Marichal wants Big Mac in the Hall? Isn’t he that cat? Isn’t he that cat who did it like this, did it like that, did it with a baseball bat. Did it with a baseball bat to John Roseboro? Smashed John Roseboro in the head two times with said baseball bat. Get the papers, get the papers. He’s lucky he’s in the Hall.
6. The NFL and its players union have agreed to more extensive testing for performance-enhancing drugs and have added the blood-boosting substance EPO to the league’s list of banned substances. Things could get interesting here. I have to believe there are a ton of NFL players on the juice. How cool was the Jeremy Shockey helmetless play? Walkie Talkie Shockey. He walks the walk. He talks the talk. If you’re a Giant fan, how can you not love that guy? But it got me thinking. It got me thinking, when people start acting crazy like that out there, I’d give ‘em a steroid test right on the spot. Merriman busts through the line and busts out the Lights Out dance. Steroid test. Reggie Bush goes…all…the way…and points at defenders before doing a summersault in the end zone, steroid test. Drayton Florence Henderson head butts an opposing player, steroid test. On the spot. Every time.
Stop the madness. You have to start somewhere. 
I feel good about Drew Brees. Cool Brees. Have arm, will travel. The rootinest tootinest gunslinger in the West. Throwing for over 4,000 yards. How do you think the Chargers would have done last Sunday if he were still there? Well, he’s not. He’s with the Saints. He is All-Pro with the Saints. Heck, he’s All-World. All 
McAllister, St. Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and company have been an absolute machine. A wrecking machine. A mean machine. They’re just a mean machine and they don’t work for nobody but you. They’re a mean machine that topped the National Football League in total offense during the regular season at 391.5 yards per game. A mean machine that went out last week and set this year’s playoff high total of 435 yards of offense against the Eagles. A mean, balanced machine against the Eagles, totaling 208 yards on the ground and 227 yards through the air. As good as the Bears defense is, I gotta think they’ll have their hands full on Sunday. Saints win! Saints win!