Josh Q. Public:  There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth.  -Agnes Repplier

Public Knowledge:

1.  Rays on the rise.  The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are in first place?  Ahead of the mighty mighty Red Sox?  Ahead of the mighty mighty Yankees?  What’s next?  Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!  Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.  The Rays’ 2-1, eleven-inning win over the Yankees, coupled with Boston’s 5-4 loss at Baltimore, propelled Tampa Bay to the top spot in the AL East last night.  The Rays have won six in a row.  The Rays have won fifteen of their last twenty games.  The Rays have been getting timely hitting and outstanding starting pitching.  I know it’s early, but geez.

2.  If you talk about one, you gotta talk about the other.  Talk about it, talk about it, talk about movin’.  Funkytown style.  You gotta talk about the Marlins.  This is only the second time that the Marlins and Rays are in sole possession of first place at the same time.  The first time lasted for only a day.  The first time was early in the 2004 season.  The first time the Rays had a 3-1 record and the Marlins had a 3-2 mark.  How long will this one last?  A good question.  Let’s find out.  A One…A two-HOO…A three…Three!  Three licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

3.  Hockey Krishna’s rejoice.  Hockey, hockey.  Krishna. Krishna.  That’s right.  Hockey talk.  How ’bout them Penguins?  Them juggernaut Penguins?  Them sluggernaut Penguins?  Them punch you in the muggernaut Penguins?  Them Penguins are just the fourth team in NHL history to win eleven of their first twelve games in one playoff season.  Them Penguins are in the company of the 1968 and 1976 Canadiens.  Them Penguins are in the company of the 1983 Oilers.  Them Penguins are in the company of Stanley Cup Champions.  Them Penguins are gonna be champions themselves.  And to celebrate, Tony, take it away:

4.  Chauncey Billups?  Chauncey Billups?  We don’t need no Chauncey Billups.  Without Chauncey Billups, Deetroit Basketball set an NBA playoff record by committing only three turnovers .  Without Chauncey Billups, Richard Hamilton scored thirty-one points last night.  Without Chauncey on Sunday, Hamilton became the first Pistons player to score at least thirty points in a playoff game since he scored thirty-three in Game 6 of the 2006 Eastern Conference semifinals.  You know the game.  The game in which Detroit was eliminated by Miami.  The last Pistons player to record consecutive thirty-point playoff games was, you guessed it, Chauncey Billups, in 2003.

5.  Stephon Marbury says he can’t wait to play for Mike D’Antoni.  He says he thinks it’s great.  Steph says a lot of things.  Steph said, “How can you not be supportive of Larry Brown being the coach?  He’s one of the best coaches to coach the game.  So for me, that’s a no-brainer.”  Steph said, “I know Isiah and I know he’s an honorable man.  I know that he’s a guy filled with a lot of character, so I think everyone here is on his side.”  What he really means to say is, ” I know it was you Fredo.  You broke my heart.  You broke my heart!” 

6.  More of the same old same old.  Barry Bonds was charged in a new indictment Tuesday with fifteen felony counts alleging he lied to a grand jury when he denied knowingly using performance-enhancing drugs and that he hampered the federal government’s doping investigation.  I honestly don’t care anymore.  I just don’t care.  Is that wrong?

7.  All right Celtics.  Jokes over.  Two in a row.  Can we do that?  Huh?  Can we?  I think we can.  With five blowouts in six home playoff games, the Celtics return to the friendly confines of the TD Banknorth Garden.  In going 6-0 on the parquet, they’ve given up an average of only 75.5 points per game and have yet to allow an opponent to shoot better than 41 percent.  It’s not tonight I’m worried about.

8.  Can we put Spygate to bed now.  Huh?  Can we?  Thank you.  And not for nothing, isn’t this Arlen Specter cat’s interest in this whole thing a little bit ironic.  Isn’t he the cat who proposed legislation that would allow Bush to seek a warrant from a special court for an electronic surveillance program?  A bill that would also grant blanket amnesty to anyone who authorized warrantless surveillance under presidential authority?  I’m just saying.

9.  Think the Nationals are cheering like a girls’ softball team now?  Nelson Figueroa was designated for assignment Tuesday. 

10.  Yankees still BLEEP.  Fourth place.  Ha ha ha!

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

 

Josh Q. Public:  The truth is rarely pure and never simple.  -Oscar Wilde

Public Knowledge: 

1.  Let me root, root, root for the home team.  If they don’t win it’s a shame.  Oh, they’ve been winning all right.  Winning in these NBA playoffs.  Home teams in these NBA playoffs are 44-15.  That’s a .746 winning percentage.  Should that form hold through the rest of the playoffs, it would be the first year in which home teams had such a high winning percentage since 1990.  My goodness!  See.  It’s not just my Celtics.  It’s everybody.  But my Celtics haven’t won on the road yet.  Yet.  Tonight’s the night folks.  Tonight’s the night.  My Celtics went a league-best 31-10 in away games during the regular season.  Trailer for sale or rent.  King of the road.  It’s good to be the King.  The Celtics will be Kings again.  Expect a big night from the Celtics defense once again tonight.  Expect a Celtics road victory once again tonight.

2.  Quick.  Who has the best record in all of baseball?  If you said the Florida Marlins, get yourself a lollipop.  Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?  It doesn’t hurt that they’ve playing the Nats.  The lowly Nats.  The godawful Nats.  The Marlins are 6-0 at Nationals Park.  6-0 after sweeping a pair of three-game series in Washington this season.  It’s the first time that Florida has won its first six games at any ballpark.  Yes, the Marlins are hot.  Hot to trot.  So is Dan Uggla.  Uggla hit two bombs yesterday.  Uggla hit a grand slam home run and drove in five runs Saturday.  Uggla had five hits, three home runs and seven RBIs as the Marlins swept the Nats this weekend to notch their seventh straight win.  Yowza!  Mets?  Phillies?  Braves?  Nope, it’s the Florida Marlins.  Let’s just hope they wait until after the season to break up the team. 

3.  We knew they were gonna be good.  We knew they had good young talent.  Who knew it would happen this fast?  Well, fast is a relative term, I guess.  The Tampa Bay Devil Rays extended their winning streak to four games on Sunday to improve their season mark to 21-16.  Holy Cow!  The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now five games over .500.  Five games over .500 for the first time in franchise history.  Just so you know.  Not that you care.  But this is the longest it’s taken any of the major league’s fourteen expansion franchises to reach that level for the first time.  The Devil Rays swept the mighty mighty Red Sox earlier in the season.  The Devil Rays just swept the mighty mighty Angels.  Carl Crawford:  “We feel like we’re going to win every game right now.”  That’s good news.  Good news for Devil Rays fans.  Bad news for Yankees fans.  Ha ha ha!

4.  All Uggla.  All the time.  As previously noted, Dan Uggla hit two bombs as the Marlins completed a series sweep at Washington.  That makes eleven bombs in all.  Eleven bombs through Florida’s first thirty-seven games.  Earlier this year, the best player in baseball, Chase Utley, hit his eleventh bomb in the Phillies‘ twenty-eighth game.  Just so you know.  Not that you care.  In National League history, only three other second basemen hit eleven or more homers within their team’s first thirty-seven games of a season.  Wanna know who they are?  Huh?  Do ya?  Sure you do.  Rogers Hornsby.  Twice.  Jeff Kent and Jay Bell.  So there you have it. 

5.  What?  You thought Ryan Braun was having an off year?  You thought the Hebrew Hammer was all washed up?  You thought I said are you all right Spider?  Think again.  Braun hit a pair of bombs yesterday.  The fortieth and forty-first bombs of Braun’s brief career.  Just so you know.  Not that you care.  But that’s the quickest any player in major-league history surpassed the forty-HR mark.  Ever.  Here comes Quick Draw McGraw.  The high-falutin’est, fastest shooin’est, cowboy you ever saw. 

6.  Quality parenting.  A kid in a Mark Chmura jersey?  Really?  I’m a BC guy.  But still.  What’s next?  Rae Caruth?  Thanks to Zoner Sports for the pic.  Hilarious.

7.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  I never saw this one coming.  Well, yes I did.  So did everybody.  It’s a miracle he made it this long.  The Brewers yanked Eric Gagne from the closer’s role on Sunday.  From 1999-2006 with the Dodgers, Gagne was lights out.  Literally.  Eric Gagne was the most dominant closer in baseball.  The past two seasons with Texas, Boston and now Milwaukee…Not so much.   Francisco Cordero?  Who needs him?

8.  A brief history of Mets batting stances:

9.  Just when I was starting to think I was a genius.  This happens.  Rafael Furcal.  I drafted him in two leagues.  Check out the big brain on Brett! You’re a smart motherBLEEPer. That’s right.  The metric system.  Not looking so smart now.  Dodgers shortstop Rafael Furcal, who has been sidelined five straight games with lower back pain, does not know when he will be able to return to the field.  Is Christian Guzman still available?

10.  Yankees still BLEEP.  Boomer?  Really?  Boomer?  Ha ha ha!!!

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  Every since I could remember, I been poppin my collar.  I been poppin my collar.  I been poppin my collar.  -Three 6 Mafia

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Now that’s what I’m talking about.  Playing great defense and winning by four just wasn’t enough.  Wasn’t enough Marshmallow Fluff.  Wasn’t enough to make you huff and puff.  HR Puff N’ Stuff.  Always there when things get rough.  HR Puff N’Stuff.  You can’t get a little if you can’t get enough.  Celtics got a little last night.  Celtics got enough last night.  Sixteen-point beatdown last night.  Sweet sixteen-point beatdown last night.  Punks jump up to get beat down!  Bron Bron jumped up to get beatdown.  King James.  Witness.  Witness the Celtics holding King James to six for twenty-four last night.  Witness the Celtics holding King James to two for eighteen in Game One.  Witness the Celtics holding King James to a shooting percentage of just nineteen in these here playoffs.  Nineteen!  That nineteen percent is the lowest shooting percentage in the NBA playoffs in the shot-clock era among players who attempted at least forty shots over any two consecutive games in one postseason.  Yowza!  So now you have to ask yourself, is the Celtics defense that good; or is LeBron that bad?  Those are your two options.  Your only two options.  I don’t think LeBron is that bad, so I must say, the Celtics defense is that good.  Good to the last drop.  All night, the Celtics hand their hands in a face.  All night, the Celtics were clogging the lane.  All night, the Celtics had a booty on a brother.  All night, the Celtics were doubling on the pick and roll.  All night, the Celtics were crowding mugs on traps.  Coach Mike Brown said the King’s shots were just not falling.  Coach Mike Brown said he has to go back and watch the tape.  He don’t need to watch no tape.  I’ll tell him.  I’ll tell him what happened.  I know it.  You know it.  Tracy McGrady knows it.  And now LeBron James knows it.  This Celtics defense is the best defense we’ve ever seen.  The best defense there’s ever been.  Better than Afrosheen.  That’s what happened.  The Cavaliers’ offensive game that usually flows so easily has been brought to a screeching halt.  The shots that normally drop have been clanging off the rim.  Cleveland’s Superman has been reduced to Clark Kent status in these Eastern Conference semifinals.  The Celtics are the Kryptonite.  Dy-no-mite!  Dolemite.  Bone-crushing, skull-splitting, brain-blasting action!  Credit goes to Paul Pierce.  Credit goes to James Posey.  But credit also goes to Kevin Garnett, Kendrick Perkins, Big Show Leon Powe and everyone else who chased down Bron Bron and gave him fits.  This a team effort.  Tom Thibedeau defense.  Team defense.  Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit.  Team, team, team.  No one more important that the other.  Welcome to Boston Celtics basketball.  Roll Celtics roll!

Public Acknowledgements:  Sid and Marty Krofft, Brand Nubian, Maxwell House, Jimmy Walker, Rudy Ray Moore and Hoosiers

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

  

Josh Q. Public:  Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.  -Stephen Colbert

Public Knowledge:

1.  I’ll take it.  I’ll take that Celtics victory last night.  I’ll take that Celtics defense last night.  That Celtics defense that forced ten Bron Bron turnovers.  That Celtics defense that held Bron Bron to only two of eighteen shots.  Over the last 40 years only two other players had that low of a shooting percentage while attempting that many shots.   Karl Malone and John Starks.   See I’ve got heart like John Starks.  Hitting mad sparks.  Pass me the mic and I’ll be rocking the whole park.  The C’s may not have rocked the whole park last night.  The C’s missed shots.  The C’s turned the ball over.  The C’s made bad plays.  The C’s won.  Just win baby!  They won because of their defense.  A defense that held the Cavaliers to a 30.7 field-goal percentage.  A defense that held the Hawks to a 29.3 shooting percentage on Sunday. A defense that over the two games combined for 29.7 percent.  The third-lowest against any NBA team over two games in one year’s playoffs in the shot-clock era.   And it’s because of that defense that the C’s win this series.  Roll Celtics roll.

2.  Give ‘em the old one two.  Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle.  Manny razzled last night.  Papi dazzled last night.  Razzled and dazzled for back to back bombs.  Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game forty-seven times.  Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game ten more times than any other pair of current teammates.  Yowza!  Papi’s back folks.  Ortiz is hitting .440 with three home runs and seven RBIs in his last six games.  Yowza!  The Sox have won seven out of eight.  The hits just keep on hitting.  Roll Sox roll!

3.  Did you see that Mets game last night?  That Mets/Dodgers game last night?  My goodness.  Dodger rookie Blake DeWitt hits an inside the parker.  Moises Alou steals home.  Holy cow!   It was the first major league game to feature both of those events in nearly eighteen years.  Eighteen years since July 29, 1990.  July 29, 1990, when Felix Jose hit an inside-the-park home run for the A’s and Brian Harper stole home for the Twinkies.  Not for nothing, that was Alou’s fourth career steal of home.  That is the most among active players.  Not for nothing else, Alou is the oldest position player in baseball. 

4.   Like Red Buttons, he never got a dinner.  Gavin Floyd.  Not to be confused with Pud Galvin.  This Gavin Floyd character just can’t catch a break. He couldn’t catch a break earlier this season when he took a no-no into the eighth.  Took a no-no into the eighth before Edgar Renteria broke it up.  Last night it was deja-vu all over again.  Last night, Floyd came within two outs of a no-hitter before Joe Mauer’s double smashed those hopes.  But hold your head high Gavin, some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner.  Pedro Martinez, never got a dinner.  Roger Clemens, never got a dinner.  Greg Maddux, never got a dinner.  Ron Guidry, never got a dinner.  Steve Carlton, never got a dinner. 

5.  Hooray Zach Duke!  Zach Duke finally gets off the schnide.  Zach Duke won last night for the first time since June 12, 2007.  His futile streak of eleven consecutive winless starts tied him with Jason Jennings for the longest current streak in the show.  Jason Jennings won’t be losing any games any time soon.  He was just put on the 15-day DL with soreness in his forearm.  Lucky him.

6.  The NBA admitted Chauncey Billups’ 3-pointer at the end of the third quarter should not have counted.  Of course it shouldn’t have.  It was as plain as the nose on your face.  The NBA also said referees aren’t allowed to review instant replay to determine that.  Change the rule.  Change the rule now.  It’s that simple.  Simple as the nose on your face.  It’s not too late.  The NHL made a rule change.  Made a rule change in this year’s playoffs.  The Sean Avery rule.  It made sense.  So does this.  Hey David Stern, do like Mookie.  Do the right thing.

7.  Need Glasses?

8. All this talk about Ken Griffey Jr. not going to the Mariners makes me think he’s going to the Mariners.

9.  Deetroit Basketball baby!  Get out the brooms.  The Magic don’t win a game.

10.  Yankees still BLEEP.  Joba Chambermaid?  Ha ha ha!   Nice curve.  Ha ha ha!

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  Simple and plain.  Give me the lane.  I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.  See these car keys?  You’ll never get these.  They belong to the 98 posse.  -Public Enemy

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Finally.  Finally we made it.  Looks like we made it.  Barry Manilow style.  But hold on there big fella.  Not so fast.  There’s still business to take care of.  Serious business.  Big business.  Growed folks business.  Cleveland Cavaliers business.  LeBron James business.  King James.  The King is dead.  Long live the King!  Witness.  This is the question on everybody’s mind today.  How do the Boston Celtics stop the King today?  How do you top a car?  Tep on the break, tupid!  If only it were that easy.  We all know the Celtics play defense.  Ridiculous defense.  Preposterous defense.  Ludacris defense.  When I move you move.  Just like that.  Hell yeah!  Hey DJ, bring that back!  The Celtics are going to have to bring that defense back.  Bring back the best defense in the NBA.  Getting stops.  Big stops.  Important stops.  Stops in the name of love.  Getting huge defensive stops that enable the C’s to go on huge runs that lead to huge leads that means never having to look back.  Howeva.  Howeva, during the regular season, the Celtics and Cavaliers split their four games.  Both teams winning on their home court.  Boston won a game that LeBron James missed.  Cleveland took a game that KG sat out.  Pretty even.  You know who you are?  Even Steven.  The Celtics are going to have to do better than Even Steven in these here playoffs against these here Cavs with this here Bron Bron.  Paul Pierce will try not to exhaust himself defensively against the King.  Why should he?  He has help.  He has Defensive Player of the Year help.  Kevin Garnett help.  Big Ticket help.  Here’s your ticket.  Hear the drummer get wicked.  Garnett will be able to help because he will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace.  Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace.  Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace who averaged a paltry 3.2 points against the Wizards.  Yes, Garnett will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace.  But in order for Garnett to be able to leave Big Ben Wallace and help with LeBron, Kendrick Perkins must do his job.  Perk must do his job and hang tough with Ilgauskas.  Žydrunas Ilgauskas.  Make sure you spell it right.  Mike Bibby called Perkins “soft.”  Mike Bibby said a lot of things.  Where is Mike Bibby now?  Perk cannot be soft tonight.  Perk cannot be soft in any of these games.  Perk will have to get physical.  Let’s get physical, physical.  I wanna get physical.  Perk will have to get physical and keep a booty on the brother at all times.  He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can do his.  He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can free up and help with LeBron.  Kendrick had his best game of the playoffs on Sunday.  Heck, Kendrick had the best game of his life on Sunday.  Ended up with a double-double.  Double trouble.  Throw it down, big man!  Throw it down.  He also blocked a playoff career-high five shots despite not playing in the fourth quarter.  Perkins dominated Al Horford at the offensive end of the court.  Perkins dominated Al Horford at the defensive end of the court.  He limited Horford to four points, on 2-for-8 shooting, through the first three quarters.  For the Celtics to win this series, they need more of the same.  They need more Kendrick Perkins.  NBA Action.  Win or go home!  Roll Celtics roll!

Public Acknowledgements:  Stephen A. Smith, The Supremes, Kosmo Kramer, Public Enemy, Olivia Newton John and Bill Walton

Peace out homies.  Sox two and Even!

  

Josh Q. Public:  If it is not right, do not do it.  If it is not true, do not say it.  -Marcus Aurelius

Public Knowledge:

1.  Boston Celtics.  About time.  About time they put away the worst team in these here playoffs.  About time they blew out the worst team in these here playoffs.  The fourth-largest blow out in any seventh game of the playoffs.  And they did it how they did it all year.  They danced with who brung ‘em.  They danced with defense.  Tough defense.  Oppressive defense. Serious defense.  Serious Snape.  Serious Snaped the Atlanta Hawks.  Atlanta made only twenty-four of eighty-two shots from the floor.  Atlanta posted the lowest field-goal percentage (29.3%) for any team in a Game Seven.  Any team in a Game Seven during the NBA’s shot-clock era.  Now it’s time to D up Cleveland.  Now it’s time to D up LeBron.  Like Lil’ Kim always says, “Now it’s my time to shine.  Been down for much too long.  I’ve gotta get mine.”  The Celtics get their’s Tuesday night.  The NBA.  Win or go home! 

2.  Chipper Jones is hot.  Red hot.  My gal is red hot.  Your gal ain’t doodley squat!  Chipper Jones continued his assault on the .400 mark yesterday.  Chipper Jones smashed a towering bomb into the right-field bleachers yesterday.  Chipper Jones knocked in five runs yesterday.  Jones leads the majors with a .425 batting average.  A .425 batting average!  He’s got more action than my man John Woo.  And he’s got mad hits like he was Rod Carew.  Rod Carew with power.  Chipper already has one MVP.  Is another one in the making?

3.  Oh, what a tangled Webb we weave.  Brandon Webb just earned his Major League-leading seventh win of the season this weekend.  Webb just matched Randy Johnson for the best start by a Diamondbacks pitcher.  This is nothing Gnew.  No gnews is good gnews.  Webb started 8-0 in 2006.  Webb is only one of three current players who has started 7-0 or better more than once in his career.  Pedro and that earring loving Arthur Rhodes are the others.  Let’s hope Webb’s career ends up resembling Petey’s more than it does Rhodes’.  It will.  This season, Webb’s change-up has become almost on par with his sinker.  That’s saying something.  That’s saying a lot.  Webb has a nasty sinker.  A filthy sinker.  A repugnant sinker.  Now he has a change just as vile?  A Pedro Martinez change?  A Bugs Bunny change?  Watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachyderms percussion pitch.  One…two…three strikes.  Yer out!  I’m out?  That’s what the man said, you heard the man.

4.  Rafael Furcal and Duke Snider.  Who would ever put those two together?  What do they have in common?  Seems like an Odd Couple to me.  On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife.  Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her.  With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.  Several years earlier, Madison’s wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return.  Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?  On May 3, Rafael Furcal scored three runs against the Rockies.  He’s now scored thirty-three runs in thirty games this season.  That’s the most by a Dodgers player in his first thirty games of a season in fifty-three years.  Fifty-three years since the Duke had thirty-four runs in his first thirty games in 1955.  I smell a contract year.

5.  Bad Gnews.  No gnews is good gnews.  Bad gnews for the Jazz.  A Phil Jackson-coached team has gnever lost a postseason series of any length after winning the first game.  Yikes!  Jackson’s teams are 39-0 in playoff series that began with a Game-1 win.

6.  Youppi.  The Comeback Kid:

7.  Roger apologizes:  “I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media.  Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry.  I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans.  Like everyone, I have flaws.  I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”  A day late and a dollar short.  If he had said this to say, I dunno, oh, around December 13, 2007, you know, when the Mitchell Report came out, maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess. 

8.  Hey Devil Rays, right back atcha.  After being swept for the first time in franchise history by Tampa Bay last weekend, the Red Sox returned the favor.  Returned the favor with flavor.  Cold lampin’ with flavor.  Cold lampin’ and outscored the Rays in the series 26-10.  None of the Tampa Bay starters in the three-game series made it out of the fourth inning.  Yowza!  Not for nothing, this Jon Lester kid is looking more and more like the real deal.  Even though his 13-inning scoreless streak was snapped when the pride of Northeastern University, Carlos Pena, hit his seventh home run of the season, Lester has been lights out.  Roll Sox roll!

9.  Bad Gnews.  No gnews is good gnews.  Bad gnews for the Hornets.  In each of the last two playoff series in which the Spurs blew a double-digit lead in losing the opening game, they bounced back to win the series in six.  Phoenix in the first round of the 2003 playoffs.  Then against Dallas in that year’s Western Conference Finals.  No chicken counting New Orleans.  Not yet.  Yet.

10.  Yankees still BLEEP!  Darrell Rasner?  Kei Igawa?  Ha ha ha!

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

 

Josh Q. Public:  Every truth has two sides.  It is well to look at both sides before we commit ourselves to either side.  -Aesop

Public Knowledge:

1.  A tale of four pitchers.  It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.  Jon Lester.  Clay Buchholz.  Phil Hughes.  Ian Kennedy.  Last seen, Jon Lester out-dueled Roy Halliday.  Deliverance style.  Squeal like a pig!  He worked eight shutout innings.  He allowed just one hit.  He got timely double plays.  He was terrific.  Top of the list.  King of the hill.  “A” number one.  Last seen, Clay Buchholz, eight starts into his big-league career, held the Devil Rays to one hit through seven innings.  Eventually, Buchholz gave up a two-out, two-run bomb to Akinori Iwamura.  It was just the third hit allowed by the young phenom.  He should have earned the “W”.  Unfortunately, the Sox bats weren’t cooperating.  Last seen, Phil Hughes allowed six runs on eight hits in 3 2/3 innings during his start three days ago against the Tigers.  Hughes is 0-4.  Hughes has a 9.00 earned run average.  Hughes has been sent to the disabled list.  Last seen, Ian Kennedy gave up four runs in 4 2/3 innings in his start against the Tigers last night.  Kennedy may be on his way out of the rotation.  Kennedy may be on his way to the Triple-A.  So you tell me, who has the best young arms?  Ya ya.  You can Joba Chambermaid me all you want.  But you know what I’m talking about.  The answer is undoubtedly, the Red Sox.  Sharp like cheddar.  My rhymes are better.  It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.  It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.  Rest well Fenway Faithful.  Roll Sox roll.

2.  Down go the 76ers.  Get along 76ers.  Charles Barkley dissed Larry Bird.  Charles Barkley is not walking through that door, fans.  The Sixers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs last night in a 23-point drubbing to the Deetroit Pistons.  It was the second-largest drubbing in an elimination game in team history.  The Sixers suffered a 120-87 elimination drubbing to my Celtics back in 2002.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t rooting for the Sixers in this one.  A lesser of two evils.  I hate the Deetroit Pistons far worse than I ever hated the 76ers.  I hated Zeke.  I hated Rodman.  I hated Mahorn.  I hated them all.  Hence, I still hate them.  If I said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.  No hurt McHale in ‘87, no Bad Boys.  Period.

3.  Osgood?  Osgreat!  The Red Wings victory over the Avalanche was the sixth consecutive win for Chris Osgood.  The sixth consecutive win since he relieved the Dominator in Game Four of Detroit’s first-round win over Nashville.  Big deal, you say?  Who cares, you say?  I say, over the last thirty years, only one other goalie has won six straight playoff games in a postseason in which he wasn’t his team’s first-round starter in Game One.  I say it was Cam Ward.  Now that’s saying something. 

4.  Celtics/Hawks tonight.  Game Six.  Make no mistake about it, the Celtics will not allow the Hawks to survive.  The Celtics will not allow the Hawks to survive for a Game Seven.  No how.  No way.  Rajon Rondo will push it.  Push it real good.  Both offensively and defensively.  The Truth will pick up where he left off in Game Five.  Hitting big baskets.  Hauling in big rebounds.  Playing big defense.  And Kevin Garnett will be Kevin Garnett.  Nuff said.  The Hawks do not a stand a chance tonight.  Not a chance I say.  No matter what the Human Highlight Reel may think.  What did he ever win anyway?

5.  It just keeps getting worse for these guys.  Clemens denies steroids.  Clemens is found to be boinking a minor.  Clemens is found to be getting sloppy seconds after John Daly.  Now this.  Tim Montgomery.  Track star.  Former 100-meter world record-holder.  Gold and Silver medallist in the Olympics.  Now he’d be lucky to make Scooby’s All Star Laff-A-Lympics.  Tim Montgomery has been indicted on heroin distribution charges.  Montgomery has said he knew nothing of the accusations and that his arrest was a “total surprise.”  Just like his banishment from track for doping was a surprise.  Surprise, surprise, surprise.  Too many Gomer Pyles around here.  Not enough Giambi’s and Pettittes.  Not that they are heroes.  Not by a long shot.  They got caught.  They admitted it.  They’re still playing baseball. 

6.  In case you missed it:

7.  Are you guys watching Lost?  You should be.  Best show on television.  If you’re not, go down to Blockbuster and rent Disc One of Season One.  You’ll be back down there for Disc Two like a crackhead looking for his next hit.

8.  One bit of advice for the Atlanta Hawks.  Hire Avery Johnson.  As soon as you lose tonight.  Hire him.  You will not regret it.  Not as much as Johnson would regret taking the Knicks job.  And Charles is right.  What the heck is Kenny the Jet thinking?  GM of the Knickerbockers?  He must be out his godammed mind.

9.  Rest in Peace Buzzie.  Buzzie Bavasi dies at 93.  Bavasi built Dodgers teams that won four World Series titles in Brooklyn and Los Angeles.  Bavasi helped put together Dodgers teams that included future Hall of Famers Jackie Robinson, Duke Snider, Pee Wee Reese, Roy Campanella, Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale.  He died last night.  He will be missed.

10.  Yankees still BLEEP.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!

PS:  My good friends at the Salute Millitary Golf Association will be featured this weekend on CBS Sports.  The SMGA’s mission is to provide rehabilitative golf experiences for combat-wounded veterans in an effort to improve the quality of life for these American heroes. The SMGA believes that the rehabilitative benefits of golf can improve the mental and physical condition of each and every soldier returning from combat.  What’s a better cause than that, huh?  The special, titled PGA Tee Time 2008, airs Sunday, May 4, on CBS from 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. EST.

Josh Q. Public:  Just cut the stuff, ’til you get enough.  ‘Cause we’re rougher than tougher and rougher tougher than tough!  -Run DMC

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Like my main man Popeye always says, “I’ve had all I can stands, I can’t stands no more.”  How many times do we have to see it?  How many times do we have to see J-Schmoove flying to the hole?  Death defying to the hole.  Electrifying to the hole.  How many time do we have to Joe Johnson get to the lane?  Into the lane without shame.  Again and again.  Until he’s drinking champagne?  The Celtics need to get tough.  Rough and tough, cold huff and puff.  Don’t bluff the stuff, got enough to rough.  The Celtics need to get rough.  Like Kevin McHale got rough.  Like Kevin McHale got rough back in 1984.  Back in 1984 against the LA Lakers.  The Showtime Lakers.  The Jack Nicholson Lakers.  The Dancing Barry Lakers.  Bird Vs. Magic.  East Coast Vs. West Coast.  The Celtics were just embarrassed in Game Three.  Just humiliated in Game Three.  Just abased in Game Three.  And it was happening again.  Happening again in Game Four.  Magic was going coast-to-coast at will.  Big Game James was going to the rack unmercifully.  Byron Scott was knocking down jumper after jumper.  Kareem was skyhooking without abandon.  And that’s when it happened.  That’s when I saw her, ooh, I saw her.  She walked in through the out door, out door.  Kevin McHale walked in through the out door, out door.  Kevin McHale smashed Kurt Rambis to the ground.  Kevin McHale simply caught that four eyed freak in mid-air, grabbed him around the neck, and threw him to the ground. It was brutal.  It was mesmerizing.  It was tantalizing.  Captivating.  Devastating.  That’s the no lay-up rule baby!  It turned around the game.  It turned around the series.  It turned around the way Pat Riley coached basketball.  It is what the Celtics desperately need to employ.  Right here.  Right now.  J-Schmoove goes flying to the rim?  Smash him to the ground.  No lay-up rule.  Joe Johnson gets into the lane?  Smash him to the ground.  No lay-up rule.  The joke is over.  Fun and games are over.  This ain’t no party.  This ain’t no disco.  This ain’t no fooling around.  No time for dancing.  Or lovey dovey.  I ain’t got time for that now.  I ain’t got time for any of it.  And neither should the Celtics.

Public Acknowledgements:  Run DMC, Bill Simmons, Prince, Beastie Boys, Fatboy Slim and the Talking Heads

Public Spectacle This is what the Celtics need to do to the Hawks tonight:

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Josh Q. Public:  All I know is what I read in the papers.  -Will Rogers

Public Knowledge:

1. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Barry Zito.  He of the high leg kick.  El Duque style.  Dontrelle Willis style.  And like those guys there, Zito is falling on hard times.  He was once the most feared lefty in all the land.  He once had the nastiest, filthiest, vilest, most repugnant 12–6 curveball in all the land.  Once.  You shouldn’t grab me, Johnny.  My mother grabbed me once…Once!  Now, San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy has decided to demote Planet Zito to the bullpen.  Zito won 95 games for Oakland from 2001 to 2006.  Good for the fourth-most in the bigs over that span.  Only the Big Eunuch, Roy Oswalt and Curt Schilling were better.  Now, there’s a whole lot of folks better.  A whole lot of folks making a whole lot less money are better.  Five on the Giants’ staff.  Five on the worst team in baseball’s staff.  Zito has nineteen losses since joining the Giants and signing that obscene contract prior to the 2007 season.  That ties him with Jose Contreras for the most losses in that time.  Egads!   

2.   Oh, how the mighty have fallen part deux.  Rocket Roger Clemens.  You know it by now.  Know Roger was the robbing the cradle by now.  And the cradle will rock.  Yes, the cradle will rock.  And I say, rock on!  As this defamation nonsense rocks on, Clemens reputation gets rocked as well.  The Daily News report that the Rocket and Mindy McCready met in a Florida karaoke bar when McCready was a fifteen-year-old aspiring singer and Clemens was a twenty-eight-year-old ace for the Boston Red Sox and a married father of two rocks the baseball world.  Give it up Roger.  Give it up now.  Give it up while you still can.  This thing will only get uglier.

3.  This just in.  The Arizona Diamondbacks are good.  Real good.  Peter Gammons’ boy Dan Haren was the winning pitcher for the Baby Backs last night.  His fourth win of the season.  Arizona has three pitchers with four-or-more wins this season.  Three!  Brandon Webb, Micah Owings and Haren.  Three is a magic number.  Yes it is.  It’s a magic number.  Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity, you get three, as a magic number.  The D-Backs are just the fifth major league team in the last forty years to have three pitchers with four-or-more wins in the first twenty-six games of a season.  Pretty, pretty good.  It’s only going to get better.  The Diamondbacks called up top prospect Max Scherzer.  Scherzer has been the best pitcher in the minor leagues.  1.17 ERA.  Striking out thirty-eight.  Walking a meager three.  All in twenty-three innings.  The Arizona Diamondbacks are the team to beat in the National League.

4.  What’s happening to my teams?  The Red Sox lose five in a row.  The Celtics drop two to the lowly Hawks.  Like Alfred E. Newman, I’m not worried.  Not even a little bit.  Not for nothing, I now officially hate Zaza Gabor Pachulia.  I want you to get this BLEEP where he breathes!  I want you to find this Nancy-boy Pachulia.  I want him dead!  I want his family dead!  I want his house burned to the ground!  I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna BLEEP on his ashes!

5.  Looks like Peter Vescey’s boy is at it again.  Looks like Next Town Brown is at it again.  The Associated Press is reporting that the Charlotte Bobcats will name Larry Brown as its new head coach.  If it’s true, it will be the ninth different NBA team that Brown will coach.  If it’s true, it will be the most different teams coached for any man in any of the four major North American professional sports leagues.   When Next Town coaches his first game with the Bobcats, he will break a tie with Mike Keenan and Roger Neilson, who both coached eight different NHL teams.  That’s a lot of teams.  A plethora of teams.  Well, you told me I have a plethora.  And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is.  I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.

6.  I hope Jason Kidd feels all broke like.  He quits on his team.  Quits on his team and begs out of the swamps of Jersey.  Begs out of the swamps of Jersey only to get smashed by the New Orleans Hornets.  Byron Scott’s New Orleans Hornets.  Coach of the Year Byron Scott.  Byron Scott, the cat Kidd chased out of the swamps of Jersey after two consecutive trips to the NBA Finals.  Like the man says, revenge is a dish best served cold.  Doesn’t get much colder than this.

7.  Rest in Peace Will Robinson.  No, not Lost in Space Will Robinson.  Illinois State basketball coach Will Robinson.  The first Division I black basketball coach.  The Jackie Robinson of college basketball coaches.  He was truly a legend and will be missed.

8.  When keeping it real goes wrong.  Ronaldo, the AC Milan forward, was questioned by police yesterday after an altercation with transvestites in a Rio de Janeiro motel.  Apparently, the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women.  Yikes! 

9.  I know everybody loves the Lakers.  I still say Spurs.

10.  Yankees still BLEEP!

Peace out homies.  SiX Two and Even!

Josh Q. Pubic:  I never had a chance to shine.  Never a happy song to sing.  But suddenly half the world is mine.  What an amazing thing.  ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket.  -Willy Wonka

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  Knock ‘em down!  Roll ‘em around!  C’mon defense work!  Work!  The Big Ticket works.  Workin’ nine to five.  Works on defense.  What a way to make a livin’.  Works on defense enough to become the first Celtic ever to win the Defensive Player of the Year Award.  Bill Russell never won it.  Kevin McHale never won it.  Don Chaney never won it.  KG did.  KG took the worst defensive team in all the land last year, and transformed them.  Transformers.  More than meets the eye.  Transformers.  Robots in disguise.  KG is Optimus Prime transforming the Celtics into the lockenest-down team in the league.  The rockenest down team in the league.  The shockenest down team in the league.  I shook the world!  The Celtics shook the world.  Shook the NBA defensive world.  The Celtics ended up mere percentage points behind the Deetroit Pistons in points allowed.  The Celtics ended up first, and first by far, in all the rest of the defensive categories.  First by far in defensive field goal percentage.  First by far in three-point defense.  First by far in point differential.  And get a load of this. Boston’s opponents made 46.8 percent of their field-goal attempts last season, but only 41.9 percent this season. Only one NBA team since 1970 has had a larger improvement in opponents’ field-goal percentage. The Spurs opponents went from 47.1 percent in 1996-97 to 41.1 in 1997-98. Holy cow. For all of that, you can thank Mr. Garnett.  He’s an eight-time NBA All-Defensive selection.  He’s good.  Real good.  The Big Ticket guards everybody.  Anybody.  He guards centers and he guards point guards.  He chases folks all the way to the perimeter.   He camps underneath and alters shots.  He comes from the weak side to put a bootie on a brother.  He fronts to deny the ball and keeps people out of the post.  Know this sports fans, if Kevin Garnett decides he doesn’t want you to score, you ain’t scoring.  And that’s the double truth, Ruth. 

Public Acknowledgements:  Dolly Parton, Patriot Ledger, Muhammad Ali and Mr. Senor Love Daddy

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and even!

Josh Q. Public:  The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear.  I’ve seen that road before.  It always leads me here.  Leads me to you door.  -Beatles

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  Larry Bird is not walking through that door, fans.  Kevin McHale is not walking through that door.  And Robert Parish is not walking through that door.   And if you expect them to walk through that door, they’re going to be gray and old.  Who needs them?  And on the cool check in.  Center stage on the mic.  And we’re puttin’ it on wax.  It’s the new style.  The New Style Celtics.  The Boston Celtics have won just three playoff series in the fifteen seasons since Larry Bird retired.  If they win three this year, they will be in the NBA finals.  The New Style Celtics will win three.  The New Style Celtics will be in the NBA finals.  With the Big Ticket, The Truth and Jesus Shuttleworth, how can they not be?  With the Big Ticket, The Truth and Jesus Shuttleworth playing the best defense on the planet, how can they not be?  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes night after night.  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes fight after fight.  The New Style Boston Celtics dominated foes like JJ Evans, dy-no-mite! They won forty-five games by at least ten points.   They led the league in point differential averaging over ten points a game.  Yowza!   They finished 66-16 after going 24-58 last season.  A forty-two game improvement that shattered the old record of thirty-six set by the San Antonio Spurs.  Shattered, shattered.  Love and hope and sex and dreams are still surviving on the street.  Look at me.  I’m in tatters!  The New Style Celtics left the rest of the NBA in tatters.  Led the league in opponents field goal percentage.  Led the league in opponents three point field goal percentage.  Second in the league in opponents scoring.  Defense wins championships.  The Celtics play defense.  Stifling defense.  Asphyxiating defense.  Michael Hutchence defense.  Tom Thibodeau defense.  Leading the way is the Big Ticket.  Here’s your ticket.  Hear the drummer get wicked.  The Big Ticket may get shammed out of the MVP.  May get travestied of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a shammed out of the MVP.  He won’t get travestied of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a shammed out of the Playoffs MVP.  That, boys and girls, is his and his alone.  As is the Finals MVP.  But like my main man Red Auerbach always says:  “Individual honors are nice, but no Celtic has ever gone out of his way to achieve them.  We have never had the league’s top scorer.  In fact, we won seven league championships without placing even one among the league’s top ten scorers.  Our pride was never rooted in statistics.”  Our pride is back.  Celtics Pride is back.  So climb aboard.  Climb aboard the victory train.  This train is bound to glory. 

Public Acknowledgements:  Rick Pitino, Beastie Boys, Good Times, Rolling Stones, INXS, Public Enemy, Woody Allen and the Ethiopians

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six Two and Even!

Josh Q. Public:  Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.  -Albert Einstein

Public Knowledge:

1.  All’s quiet on the Rocket front.  Haven’t heard much outrage lately.  Haven’t heard much indignation lately.  Jose Canseco will meet with IRS Special Agent Jeff Novitzky and other Federal investigators this week in Los Angeles to talk about the party.  They’re dancin’ on the ceilin’, they’re dancing’ on the floor.  People everywhere comin’ through the door.  They know there’s a party goin’ on.  Do the dancin’ romancin’ all night long.  To talk about the party at Canseco’s house.  The party where former trainer Brian McNamee claimed Clemens was introduced to steroids.  This ain’t over.  Not by a long shot.

2.  Dwight Howard’s good.  Real good.  Howard is on pace to become the NBA’s youngest rebound king.  Howard is on pace to become just fifth player to average at least twenty points and ten boards while shooting a nifty sixty per cent from the floor.  Now get this.  Dwight Howard had thirteen rebounds last night.  4,010 for his career.  He’s the first player to reach the 4000-rebound mark in his first four NBA seasons since Buck “Goggles” Williams grabbed 4,037 boards back in 1985.  Pretty good, right.  Not bad, right?  How ’bout this?  To break the all-time record for rebounds over a player’s first four seasons, Dwight would need to grab 4,078 more tomorrow.  Yikes!  I can’t do nuttin’ for ya man.  The Stilt grabbed 8,088 boards over his first four NBA seasons.  More than twice as many than your boy Howard.  2,191 more than the runner-up, my boy, Bill Russell.  Now that’s good.  20,000 women ain’t bad either.

3.  Could this be the season?  Could this be the season fantasy baseball owners finally get their money’s worth?  Finally get their money’s worth with Ben Sheets.  Big Ben has been just filthy so far this year.  He outpitched Johan Santana the other day.  That’s saying something.  So is this.  Sheets had not allowed a run in his first 15 1/3 innings this season.  Sheets was coming off a five-hit shutout win over the Giants before he surrendered three runs to the Mets in a victory.   He has been using a new change-up that he’s been messing around with.  Word has it, if he gets a handle on it, it will be a nasty, nasty complement to his biting curveball and mid-90s-mph fastball.  Now if he could just stay far, far away from ye olde injury bug.

4.  Stupid pitch count.  Leo Mazzone would have had none of it.  Last night Shaun Chacon was lights out.  Boom boom out go the lights!  Shawn Chacon allowed only four little singles in eight big innings.  But Shaun also threw 109 pitches in those eight big innings and in this new age of baseball that’s all you get.  Leo Mazzone may think, “Pitch counts only talk pitchers into being tired.”  Leo Mazzone may think, “IBLEEPuy is pitching good, leave him in and if he’s getting his butt kicked, take him out.”  Leo Mazzone may think, “If he shows signs of fatigue from what you see with your eyes, not what a number says, then you take him out.”  Leo Mazzone may have common sense.  Jim Hickey and Cecil Cooper do not.  Jim Hickey and Cecil Cooper took the ball out of Chacon’s hands.  Jim Hickey and Cecil Cooper put the ball in Jose Valverde’s hands.  Smooth move Columbo.  Four runs later, Astros lose. 

5.  Shades of Bernie Carbo.  How bout them Sox?  How ’bout the Captain?  How bout Jason Varitek?  Jason Varitek with the winner winner chicken dinner.   Jason Varitek with the game-winning pinch hit bomb in the top of the 9th in Cleveland.  Jason Varitek with the first pinch-hit bomb by the since Doug Mirabelli had one in the final game of the 2005 season.  Before last night, Boston had the longest streak without a pinch-hit homer. That distinction now falls to the Athletics.  The Athletics last pinch-hit bomb was hit by Adam Melhouse on Aug. 28, 2006.  Not for nothing, the Sox just own the Tribe.  Own them I say!  Roll Sox, roll!

6.  Fantasy owners may want to start thinking in terms.  Thinking in terms about John Bowker.  Rookie sensation John Bowker.  Rookie sensation John Bowker sweeping the nation.  Sweeping the nation with his third consecutive multiple-hit game.  He’s the first San Francisco baseball Giants player with three consecutive multiple-hit game to start his career since some cat named Mike Schemer had two or more hits in each of his first four career games, in August 1945.  Get ‘em while their hot, I always say.  John Bowker is hot.  Hot to trot. 

7.  Running Wild.  The Minnesota Wild.  The Wild racked up twenty-four penalties last night.   The Wild racked up ninety-nine penalty minutes last night.  I got ninety-nine problems and a BLEEP ain’t one.  Staying out of the box is.  You do that, you go to the box, you know.  Two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame, you know.  And then you get free.  The Wild never got free in their 5-1 loss at Colorado.  I know the Wild