Josh Q. Public:  Oh no, you got to pay.  When you hit rock bottom, and you’re there to stay.  -Kiss 

Public Service Announcement:  Ok, here we go!  This isn’t a very nice one.  Not at any price one.  Not a Riunite and ice one.   But it has to be done.  We all know Lance Berkman is tearing it up.  Chipper Jones is loaded for bearing it up.  Josh Hamilton is hasn’t got a caring it up.  Chase Utley is laissez-fairing it up.  We know this.  That’s not why I’m here today.  Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.  I know.  Sounds harsh.  But it sure is fun.  Ain’t it?  Of course it is.  So without further ado, the All-Worst Team:

C:  J.R. Towles.  Lance Berkman may be in Towles corner, but I’m not.  How could I be?  Towles is batting a meager .150.  He has a paltry four bombs.  A sparse twelve base knocks.   The kid has only two hits in thirty six at-bats over the first twelve games in May.  Like my main Charles Dickens always says, “Now, I return to this young fellow.  And the communication I have got to make is, that he has great expectations.”  He certainly does.  He’s not living up to them.  Towles started off the 2008 campaign with four homers in the first three weeks of the season, but has since gone cold.  Ice cold.  Stone cold.  To this point of the season, Towles has exactly 100 at bats with only fifteen hits while striking out twenty-four times.  That’s no way to start a career.  No way at all.

1B:  Ryan Garko.  Wanna know how badly Garko is playing?  Huh?  Do ya.  He’s playing so badly, Michael Aubrey is cutting into his playing time.  That’s bad.  After watching Fred Flintstone hit .182 in his last twenty-seven games, manager Eric Wedge has benched him.  Aubrey had two home runs in sixteen at-bats since his recall.  Garko has two home runs in his last ninety-four.  Egads!  Overall this year, Garko is hitting .236 with four bombs and just nineteen RBIs.  He is hitting .216 with runners in scoring position.  Call it Jungle Karma.  Call it the curse of Jim Rome.  Call it anything you like.  Ryan Garko has been just awful.

2B:  Robinson Cano.  Ha ha ha!  He ain’t got more action than his man John Woo.  And he ain’t got mad hits like he was Rod Carew.  Ha ha ha!  If you read the New York tabloids, you’d think this kid was back.  Back and on track.  Back on the attack.  Sure Cano has raised his average.  Raised it to the highest it’s been all season.  Raised it to a staggering .224.  Forgive me if I’m not impressed.  I’m not impressed with his impatience at the plate.  I’m not impressed with the way he refuses to work pitch counts.  I’m not impressed with his recent surge.  I’m not impressed with Robinson Cano.

3B:  Jack Hannahan.  When Hannahan played with the Tigers, they called him Jack Hann-a-who?  Now that he’s with the A’s, that name still applies. 

SS:  Tony Pena Jr. is simply not hitting.  Not a lick.  No magic stick.  He can’t hit once.  He can’t hit twice.  He can’t hit the baddest chicks.  Even if you lie to yourself and say that he’s a great defensive shortstop, which he is not, it doesn’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter.  Even if Pena improved his batting average one hundred points, he still wouldn’t be hitting enough to justify regular playing time.  Maybe it’s time to start playing Alberto Callapso and see what happens.  It couldn’t be any worse than this.

OF:  Lastings Milledge.  When the Mets first traded this cat, I thought they made a mistake.  A big mistake.  Like Fonzie, I was wrrrrrr.   I was wrrrrrr.  I was wrong.  You lollygag the ball around the infield.  You lollygag your way down to first.  You lollygag in and out of the dugout.  You know what that makes you?  A lollygagger. 

OF:  Andruw Jones.  It wasn’t too long ago Andruw Jones was the best centerfielder in all of baseball.  He ain’t pretty no more!  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Andruw Jones’ frustrating season took another turn for the worse.  It took a turn for the worse when when the Dodgers announced their $36-million outfielder would undergo surgery on his right knee.  And not a moment too soon.  He was hitting .165 with a team-high forty-five strikeouts in 133 at-bats. 

OF:  Corey Patterson.  Two words.  Jay Bruce.

SP:  Barry Zito.  Worst contract in the history of sports.

CL:  Eric Gagne.  Cool Papa Bell was so fast he could get out of bed, turn out the lights across the room and be back in bed under the covers before the lights went out.  Lights out for light out.

Public Acknowledgements:  William Shakespeare, Beastie Boys, 50 Cent, Happy Days, Larry Hockett, Tommy Como and Satchel Paige

Public Spectacle:

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!