Josh Q. Public: And I’m a bad boy ’cause I don’t even miss her. I’m a bad boy, for breakin’ her heart. And I’m free, free fallin’. Yeah I’m free, free fallin’. -Tom Petty
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans? What? Oh. You thought I forgot. Thought I forgot about the Yankees. Ha ha ha! Think again. Last place. This is rich. Rich I tell you! Sing it with me BLEEPes. Follow the bouncing ball. Na, na… na, na, na, na… hey, hey, hey… goodbye. Ha ha ha ha! Goodbye Yankees. I know it. You know it. The ghost of George Herman Ruth knows it. The New York Yankees are all done. I guess it’s over, call it a day. Sorry that it had to end this way. No I’m not. I’m not sorry. Last night the Yankees fell. Last night, the Yankees fell to last place. Last night, the Yankee fell to last place in the American League Beast. Last place behind theRays. Last place behind the Red Sox. Last place behind the Orioles. Last place behind the Blue Jays. The first time that the Yankees have resided in sole possession of last place this many games in since 1995. Ha ha ha! Poor old George Steinbrenner must be rolling around in his grave right about now. Can you blame him? The Yankees are atrocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious. I don’t care. I don’t care if I sound precocious. It’s true. Like my main Casey Stengel always says, “Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.” Well, Yankees pitchers aren’t pitching and Yankees hitters aren’t hitting. You do the math. We all know about the pitching woes. The well documented pitching woes. We all know about Phil Hughes. On the DL. We all know about Ian Kennedy. Akinori Iwamura’s bomb on Kennedy’s fourth pitch of the game last night put the Rays ahead for good. We all know about Kei Igawa. Back down on the farm. We all know about them. It’s the hitting, or lack there of. It’s the lack of hitting that’s sinking this Yankees ship. It’s the lack of hitting that has these Yankees in such trouble. Big trouble. Big trouble in little China. Adventure doesn’t come any bigger! Against Tampa Bay’s four starting pitchers, the Yankees scored two runs in 27 1/3 innings. On this 2-4 road trip, they hit .214 with runners in scoring position. 9-for-42 with zero home runs and a paltry three extra-base hits. Ha ha ha! Where’s A-Broad when you need him? Where’s hip hip Jor-ge? There’s no need to fear. Captain Caveman is here. Leadoff hitter Captain Caveman was 1-for-18 in the Tampa Bay series. That’s no way to start your day. Maybe putting on gold lame underwear is. Jason Giambi is hitting .181. Jason Giambi is in a funk. You know what that means. Whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump.” Ha ha ha! It doesn’t get more desperate than this. It doesn’t get more desperate than last place. All I can say is, Let’s Go Mets! Tonight’s the night we’re gonna make it happen. Tonight we’ll put all other things aside. Keep stepping on those Yankees necks. Put them out of their misery. No division. No Wild Card. No nothing. Take your shoes off. Put your feet up. Sit back, relax, and be a Sox watcher. Roll Sox, roll!
Public Acknowledgements: Gary DeCarlo, Johnny Mathis, Mary Poppins, Jack Burton and the Pointer Sisters
Josh Q. Public:Brothers front. They say the Tribe can’t flow. But we’ve been known to do the impossible like Broadway Joe, so… -Tribe Called Quest
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! You know what the man says. The man says pitching wins championships. The man says you’re only as good as good as your next day’s starter. The man says good pitching will beat good hitting any time. The man says we need a pitcher not a belly itcher. The man says stuff like that there. If the man is right, these Indians have a helleva ballclub. One helleva ballclub. Cleveland starting pitchers have not allowed a run in 43.1 innings. How about that? How about this? It’s the longest scoreless streak by Cleveland starters since 1948. Since Bob Lemon. Since Gene Bearden. Since Sam Zoldak. Since Satchel Paige. Since all those guys threw complete-game shutouts during a 47-inning scoreless streak. Not for nothing, I miss the complete game. Not for nothing else, in 1980, Oakland Athletics pitcher Rick Langford threw 22 consecutive complete games. We’ll ver see that again. Never! The Indians steak is the longest scoreless streak by anyone since the 1974 Orioles. Since Jim Palmer. Since Mike Cuellar. Since Dave McNally. Since Ross Grimsley. Since those guy threw 54 scoreless innings. CC Sabathia won last year’s Cy. CC Sabathia got off to a rough start this year. A tough start this year. A billy goat gruff start this year. But like Jack Torrence, he’s baaaack! Like Jack Torrence, he’s again a masterpiece of modern horror. Last night, Sabathia threw a shutout for the Tribe. Last night Sabathia was living on the corners. Last night Sabathia was virtually unhittable. He’s not the only one that’s been unhittable. So has Clifton Phifor Lee. That’s Cliff to you. Lee has logged 53 2/3 innings so far. Lee has only allowed runs in three of them. Holy Cow! That’s not all. He is 6-0. 6-0 with a best-in-baseball, microscopic, miniscule, Lilliputian 0.67 ERA. He’s struck out forty-four. Forty-four big Ks compared to a paltry four walks. Lee is just in a groove. Groove is in the heart. Ah-ah-ah-ah. Groove is in the heart. Aaron Laffey goes today. Last seen, Laffey scattered six hits and walked just one in seven scoreless frames to pick up the victory in the Indians’ win over Toronto. Throw in Fausto Carmona. Throw in Paul Byrd. Throw in those guys and you have an impressive starting five. Maybe the most impressive. Maybe the most impressive five since those Jim Palmer Orioles. Like my main man Satchel Paige always says, “My pitching philosophy is simple - keep the ball way from the bat.” That’s what the Indians are doing. And if they keep it up, nobody’s touching them.
Public Acknowledgements: Casey Stengel, The Shining and Dee-Lite
Josh Q. Public:There are few nudities so objectionable as the naked truth. -Agnes Repplier
Public Knowledge:
1. Rays on the rise. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are in first place? Ahead of the mighty mighty Red Sox? Ahead of the mighty mighty Yankees? What’s next? Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria! Goodness gracious, great balls of fire. The Rays’ 2-1, eleven-inning win over the Yankees, coupled with Boston’s 5-4 loss at Baltimore, propelled Tampa Bay to the top spot in the AL East last night. The Rays have won six in a row. The Rays have won fifteen of their last twenty games. The Rays have been getting timely hitting and outstanding starting pitching. I know it’s early, but geez.
2. If you talk about one, you gotta talk about the other. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about movin’. Funkytown style. You gotta talk about the Marlins. This is only the second time that the Marlins and Rays are in sole possession of first place at the same time. The first time lasted for only a day. The first time was early in the 2004 season. The first time the Rays had a 3-1 record and the Marlins had a 3-2 mark. How long will this one last? A good question. Let’s find out. A One…A two-HOO…A three…Three! Three licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
3. Hockey Krishna’s rejoice. Hockey, hockey. Krishna. Krishna. That’s right. Hockey talk. How ’bout them Penguins? Them juggernaut Penguins? Them sluggernaut Penguins? Them punch you in the muggernaut Penguins? Them Penguins are just the fourth team in NHL history to win eleven of their first twelve games in one playoff season. Them Penguins are in the company of the 1968 and 1976 Canadiens. Them Penguins are in the company of the 1983 Oilers. Them Penguins are in the company of Stanley Cup Champions. Them Penguins are gonna be champions themselves. And to celebrate, Tony, take it away:
4. Chauncey Billups? Chauncey Billups? We don’t need no Chauncey Billups. Without Chauncey Billups, Deetroit Basketball set an NBA playoff record by committing only three turnovers . Without Chauncey Billups, Richard Hamilton scored thirty-one points last night. Without Chauncey on Sunday, Hamilton became the first Pistons player to score at least thirty points in a playoff game since he scored thirty-three in Game 6 of the 2006 Eastern Conference semifinals. You know the game. The game in which Detroit was eliminated by Miami. The last Pistons player to record consecutive thirty-point playoff games was, you guessed it, Chauncey Billups, in 2003.
5. Stephon Marbury says he can’t wait to play for Mike D’Antoni. He says he thinks it’s great. Steph says a lot of things. Steph said, “How can you not be supportive of Larry Brown being the coach? He’s one of the best coaches to coach the game. So for me, that’s a no-brainer.” Steph said, “I know Isiah and I know he’s an honorable man. I know that he’s a guy filled with a lot of character, so I think everyone here is on his side.” What he really means to say is, ” I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!”
6. More of the same old same old. Barry Bonds was charged in a new indictment Tuesday with fifteen felony counts alleging he lied to a grand jury when he denied knowingly using performance-enhancing drugs and that he hampered the federal government’s doping investigation. I honestly don’t care anymore. I just don’t care. Is that wrong?
7. All right Celtics. Jokes over. Two in a row. Can we do that? Huh? Can we? I think we can. With five blowouts in six home playoff games, the Celtics return to the friendly confines of the TD Banknorth Garden. In going 6-0 on the parquet, they’ve given up an average of only 75.5 points per game and have yet to allow an opponent to shoot better than 41 percent. It’s not tonight I’m worried about.
8. Can we put Spygate to bed now. Huh? Can we? Thank you. And not for nothing, isn’t this Arlen Specter cat’s interest in this whole thing a little bit ironic. Isn’t he the cat who proposed legislation that would allow Bush to seek a warrant from a special court for an electronic surveillance program? A bill that would also grant blanket amnesty to anyone who authorized warrantless surveillance under presidential authority? I’m just saying.
9. Think the Nationals are cheering like a girls’ softball team now? Nelson Figueroa was designated for assignment Tuesday.
Josh Q. Public: All I’m saying pretty baby. La la love you. Don’t mean maybe. -Pixies
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Yesterday I wrote about Josh Hamilton. Yesterday, I told just one half of the story. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, I got a new story. Today I got the story of Edinson Volquez. Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Oh sorry. Wrong story. Edinson Volquez. The man the Rangers traded away for Josh Hamilton. You may think it’s one sided. You may think it was unfair. You may think a position player is more valuable than a pitcher. Just like you thought Pedro didn’t deserve to be MVP back in 1999. Think again. Edinson Volquez is for real. Voltron is for real. Transformers. More than meets the eye.Yes,Hamilton leads the American League in RBIs. Yes, Hamilton is among the leaders in home runs and slugging percentage. Yes, he plays a dy-no-mite center field. Yes, he’s doing all that; but this Voltron character is tearing it up. Loaded for bearing it up. Haven’t got a prayering it up. Last night, Voltron allowed a meager one run in six innings. Big deal, you say. Who cares, you say. I say that ties a major-league record by allowing fewer than two earned runs in each of his first eight starts in a season. Yowza! I also say only three other pitchers have done that. Just one in the live-ball era, Mike Norris of the A’s in 1980. The others were Dana Fillingim of the 1918 Boston Braves and Dutch Leonard of the1914 Red Sox. Now that’s saying something. That’s saying a lot. I’ll say something else. I’ll say Voltron is 6-1. I’ll say he leads the National League with a 1.12 ERA. I’ll say he’s mixing in a 96-mph fastball with a sick change. An ill change. Most illinest, stealinest, villianest B-Boy change. Dare I say it? A Pedro change. It’s no wonder they call him Little Pedro. Everybody’s been yipping about Johnny Cueto. Everybody’s been yapping about Johnny Cueto. Where is the love for Edinson? Father, Father, Father help us. Send some guidance from above. ‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’. Where is the love?
Public Acknowledgements: Beatles, Beverly Hillbillies, Beastie Boys and the Black Eyed Peas
Josh Q. Public: I feel nice. Like sugar and BLEEPe. I feel nice. Like sugar and BLEEPe. So nice. So nice. I got you. -James Brown
Public Service Announcement: OK, here we go! This feel good story just feels gooder and gooder all the time. You know the story. Uncle Ricky, will you read us a bedtime story? Please, huh, please? All right, you kids get to bed, I’ll get the storybook. Ya’ll Tucked in? Here we go…Once upon a time, not long ago, where people wore pajamas and lived life slow…Oh, sorry. Wrong story. The Josh Hamilton story. Athens Drive High School. Raleigh, North Carolina. Pitcher and outfielder. As a pitcher he was clocked consistently at 95 mph. As an outfielder he was considered the quintessential five-tool player. Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it. With the first overall pick in the 1999 MLB draft, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays select Josh Hamilton. First overall pick ahead of Josh Beckett. Led the rookie league Hudson Valley Renegades. Led them to their first and only New York-Penn League championship. Then there was the car accident. Then there were lingering back and shoulder injuries. Then there were the drugs. Then there were the twenty-six tattoos. More drugs. Suicide attempts. More drugs. Sex and drugs and rock and roll is all my brain and body need. Sex and drugs and rock and roll are very good indeed. Missed four years of organized baseball to become a coke and crack addict. Now look at him. Take a look at the bad guy. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way! Better get out of Josh Hamilton’s way. The Natural drove in four runs last night. The Natural had his thirteenth multiple-RBI game of the season last night. That gives the Natural a major-league leading forty-three base knocks. That gives the Natural the most multiple-RBI games in the show. A lean mean RBI machine. Last April, he was named the National League’s Rookie of the Month. This April, he was recognized as the American League Player of the Month. He just gets better and better. Marlon Byrd: “Josh is a freak. A phenom. He’s going to do some wonderful things.” He already is, although Josh may disagree. Hamilton: “I just don’t feel like I’ve put everything together yet. I don’t feel like I’ve had a game where I’ve done everything.” Yikes! The kid already has the skillset of an absolute superstar. Live larges. A big house. Five cars. He’s in charge. Ten years from now, when I’m talking about Josh Hamilton, I’ll be talking about his superstardom. Not the remarkable backstory.
Public Acknowledgements: Slick Rick, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Ian Drury, Scarface, Roy Hobbs and Cypress Hill
Josh Q. Public:In every class, there’s always one joker who thinks that he’s smarter than me. In this class, that happens to be you. Isn’t it, Mayonnaise? -Gunnery Sergeant Emil Foley
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! By now you know. You know about OJ Mayo. You know about Mayo’s past antics in high school. You know Mayo quit USC after only one season. You know Mayo is projected to be a lottery pick in this year’s NBA draft. What does he care? What does he care that the dust still hasn’t even settled on the Reggie Bush fiasco yet? USC is cloaked in shame. Shame, I tell you! You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself. You know. And you feel shame. You know. And then you get free. It’s gonna be more than two minutes for this one. More than two minutes unless USC does the right thing here. More than two minutes unless USC fires Tim Floyd. Unless they fire Pete Carroll. Unles they fire Mike Garrett. Sue you. Sue everybody. And the people you work with and you handle, I will probably sue them too. Fire everybody. Make a clean start. That’s what I’d do. But who am I? I’m no Frank Rizzo.
Public Acknowledgements: Dennis Lemieux and the Jerky Boys
Josh Q. Public:The truth is rarely pure and never simple. -Oscar Wilde
Public Knowledge:
1. Let me root, root, root for the home team. If they don’t win it’s a shame. Oh, they’ve been winning all right. Winning in these NBA playoffs. Home teams in these NBA playoffs are 44-15. That’s a .746 winning percentage. Should that form hold through the rest of the playoffs, it would be the first year in which home teams had such a high winning percentage since 1990. My goodness! See. It’s not just my Celtics. It’s everybody. But my Celtics haven’t won on the road yet. Yet. Tonight’s the night folks. Tonight’s the night. My Celtics went a league-best 31-10 in away games during the regular season. Trailer for sale or rent. King of the road. It’s good to be the King. The Celtics will be Kings again. Expect a big night from the Celtics defense once again tonight. Expect a Celtics road victory once again tonight.
2. Quick. Who has the best record in all of baseball? If you said the Florida Marlins, get yourself a lollipop. Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? It doesn’t hurt that they’ve playing the Nats. The lowly Nats. The godawful Nats. The Marlins are 6-0 at Nationals Park. 6-0 after sweeping a pair of three-game series in Washington this season. It’s the first time that Florida has won its first six games at any ballpark. Yes, the Marlins are hot. Hot to trot. So is Dan Uggla. Uggla hit two bombs yesterday. Uggla hit a grand slam home run and drove in five runs Saturday. Uggla had five hits, three home runs and seven RBIs as the Marlins swept the Nats this weekend to notch their seventh straight win. Yowza! Mets? Phillies? Braves? Nope, it’s the Florida Marlins. Let’s just hope they wait until after the season to break up the team.
3. We knew they were gonna be good. We knew they had good young talent. Who knew it would happen this fast? Well, fast is a relative term, I guess. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays extended their winning streak to four games on Sunday to improve their season mark to 21-16. Holy Cow! The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now five games over .500. Five games over .500 for the first time in franchise history. Just so you know. Not that you care. But this is the longest it’s taken any of the major league’s fourteen expansion franchises to reach that level for the first time. The Devil Rays swept the mighty mighty Red Sox earlier in the season. The Devil Rays just swept the mighty mighty Angels. Carl Crawford: “We feel like we’re going to win every game right now.” That’s good news. Good news for Devil Rays fans. Bad news for Yankees fans. Ha ha ha!
4. All Uggla. All the time. As previously noted, Dan Uggla hit two bombs as the Marlins completed a series sweep at Washington. That makes eleven bombs in all. Eleven bombs through Florida’s first thirty-seven games. Earlier this year, the best player in baseball, Chase Utley, hit his eleventh bomb in the Phillies‘ twenty-eighth game. Just so you know. Not that you care. In National League history, only three other second basemen hit eleven or more homers within their team’s first thirty-seven games of a season. Wanna know who they are? Huh? Do ya? Sure you do. Rogers Hornsby. Twice. Jeff Kent and Jay Bell. So there you have it.
5. What? You thought Ryan Braun was having an off year? You thought the Hebrew Hammer was all washed up? You thought I said are you all right Spider? Think again. Braun hit a pair of bombs yesterday. The fortieth and forty-first bombs of Braun’s brief career. Just so you know. Not that you care. But that’s the quickest any player in major-league history surpassed the forty-HR mark. Ever. Here comes QuickDraw McGraw. The high-falutin’est, fastest shooin’est, cowboy you ever saw.
6. Quality parenting. A kid in a Mark Chmura jersey? Really? I’m a BC guy. But still. What’s next? Rae Caruth? Thanks to Zoner Sports for the pic. Hilarious.
7. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I never saw this one coming. Well, yes I did. So did everybody. It’s a miracle he made it this long. The Brewers yanked Eric Gagne from the closer’s role on Sunday. From 1999-2006 with the Dodgers, Gagne was lights out. Literally. Eric Gagne was the most dominant closer in baseball. The past two seasons with Texas, Boston and now Milwaukee…Not so much. Francisco Cordero? Who needs him?
8. A brief history of Mets batting stances:
9. Just when I was starting to think I was a genius. This happens. Rafael Furcal. I drafted him in two leagues. Check out the big brain on Brett! You’re a smart motherBLEEPer. That’s right. The metric system. Not looking so smart now. Dodgers shortstop Rafael Furcal, who has been sidelined five straight games with lower back pain, does not know when he will be able to return to the field. Is Christian Guzman still available?
10. Yankees still BLEEP. Boomer? Really? Boomer? Ha ha ha!!!
And all you other mother’s out there. May 10, 1970. A fan sitting behind the Blues’ goal is holding a sign that says “Happy Mother’s Day Mrs. Orr.” Bobby’s mother had traveled to Boston from her home in Canada for this game. Bobby did not disappoint. Forty seconds into sudden death overtime, Orr takes a pass from Derek Sanderson and knocks in the game-winner winner chicken dinner. Just after he shoots, Noel Picard hooks Orr’s skate and Orr goes airborne. He scored his famous high flying, electrifying, death defying goal in overtime on Mother’s Day to win the 1970 Stanley Cup. I am, I am Superman. And I can do anything.
Josh Q. Public:Every since I could remember, I been poppin my collar. I been poppin my collar. I been poppin my collar. -Three 6 Mafia
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Now that’s what I’m talking about. Playing great defense and winning by four just wasn’t enough. Wasn’t enough Marshmallow Fluff. Wasn’t enough to make you huff and puff. HR Puff N’ Stuff. Always there when things get rough. HR Puff N’Stuff. You can’t get a little if you can’t get enough. Celtics got a little last night. Celtics got enough last night. Sixteen-point beatdown last night. Sweet sixteen-point beatdown last night. Punks jump up to get beat down! Bron Bron jumped up to get beatdown. King James. Witness. Witness the Celtics holding King James to six for twenty-four last night. Witness the Celtics holding King James to two for eighteen in Game One. Witness the Celtics holding King James to a shooting percentage of just nineteen in these here playoffs. Nineteen! That nineteen percent is the lowest shooting percentage in the NBA playoffs in the shot-clock era among players who attempted at least forty shots over any two consecutive games in one postseason. Yowza! So now you have to ask yourself, is the Celtics defense that good; or is LeBron that bad? Those are your two options. Your only two options. I don’t think LeBron is that bad, so I must say, the Celtics defense is that good. Good to the last drop. All night, the Celtics hand their hands in a face. All night, the Celtics were clogging the lane. All night, the Celtics had a booty on a brother. All night, the Celtics were doubling on the pick and roll. All night, the Celtics were crowding mugs on traps. Coach Mike Brown said the King’s shots were just not falling. Coach Mike Brown said he has to go back and watch the tape. He don’t need to watch no tape. I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him what happened. I know it. You know it. Tracy McGrady knows it. And now LeBron James knows it. This Celtics defense is the best defense we’ve ever seen. The best defense there’s ever been. Better than Afrosheen. That’s what happened. The Cavaliers’ offensive game that usually flows so easily has been brought to a screeching halt. The shots that normally drop have been clanging off the rim. Cleveland’s Superman has been reduced to Clark Kent status in these EasternConference semifinals. The Celtics are the Kryptonite. Dy-no-mite! Dolemite. Bone-crushing, skull-splitting, brain-blasting action! Credit goes to Paul Pierce. Credit goes to James Posey. But credit also goes to Kevin Garnett, Kendrick Perkins, Big Show Leon Powe and everyone else who chased down Bron Bron and gave him fits. This a team effort. Tom Thibedeau defense. Team defense. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit. Team, team, team. No one more important that the other. Welcome to Boston Celtics basketball. Roll Celtics roll!
Public Acknowledgements: Sid and Marty Krofft, Brand Nubian, Maxwell House, Jimmy Walker, Rudy Ray Moore and Hoosiers
Josh Q. Public:When the pimp’s in the crib ma, drop it like it’s hot. Drop it like it’s hot. -Snoop Dogg
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! I know it’s early. I know we’re not even at the All-Star break yet. Heck, we’re not even in June yet. I know. I’m smart! Not like everybody says. Like dumb. I’m smart and I want respect! I know it’s early, but I think it’s time. Time to start giving credit where credit is due. Time to start giving credit to Major League Baseball’s hot starters.
C: Rookie rookie who gets the cookie? Before the season started, all we heard about was Evan Longoria. Before the season started, all we heard about was Jay Bruce. All we heard about was Cameron Maybin, Colby Rasmus and Homer Bailey. Doh! What about this cat? What about Geovany Soto? In his last start, Soto went 3-for-3 with a solo bomb and a double. That game pushed up his average. Pushed it real good. Went 3-3 with a solo bomb and a double and pushed his average up to .352. Soto now has six bombs. Soto has an impressive thirteen doubles. Double double toil and trouble. He also has twenty-four RBIs. Holds the all-time Cub record for RBIs in April for a rookie. And, until Aramis Ramirez missed the last few games with a sore wrist, he’d been knocking in all those runs batting not much higher than sixth or seventh in the order. How about that? And if you saw that BLEEPBLEEP play at the plate. That Prince FielderBLEEPBLEEP play at the plate. If you saw that, you have to love this kid.
1B: Elbow? Elbow? What elbow? Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges. Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols. The man fantasy owners stayed away from. Stayed away from like the plague. The man fantasy owners stayed away from like the plague is plaguing opposing pitching. You can Derek Lee me. You can Lance Berkman me. I don’t care. I’m still taking Phat Albert. Hey hey hey! Pujols leads all of baseball in on base percentage. Pujols has reached base safely in all thirty-five games this season. Yes he’s gimping around a little bit. A little bit. I’m sorry. You insulted him a little bit. He’s gimping around a little bit because of the play. You saw the play. That mad dash play. That mad dash play from second base to score the winning run for the Redbirds on Monday night in Colorado. That was a leadership play. That was a statement play. That play was about winning. And isn’t winning what it’s all about?
2B: Simply the best. Better than all the rest. The best player in baseball. Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley was named the National League Player of the Month for April on Saturday. Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley will be named the National League MVP at season’s end. Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley would have been named the National League MVP last season if it weren’t for the injury. He ain’t injured no more. He leads the show in bombs. He’s among the league leaders in slugging percentage, hits, runs, OPS and total bases. He was the first second baseman to ever hit eleven home runs in April. He is only the second Phillies player to hit a home run in five consecutive games. The guy is batting .350 The guy has an on-base percentage of .431. I know it, you know it, and Joe Morgan knows it. The guy is going to be best offensive second baseman not just in 2008, but ever.
3B: The spot generally reserved for A-Broad. The spot that is generally reserved for the guy who passed out during the birth of his first daughter. That spot there. That spot goes to Chipper Jones. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Chipper Jones is hot. Red hot. My gal is red hot. Your gal ain’t doodley squat! Chipper Jones continues his assault on the .400 mark. Jones leads the majors with a .429 batting average. A .429 batting average! He’s got more action than my man John Woo. And he’s got mad hits like he was Rod Carew. Rod Carew with power. Chipper already has one MVP. Is another one in the making? Not with Utley around, but you know what I’m saying.
SS: This was close. Real close. All sense and sensibilities say Hanley. Hanley Ramirez. I think very highly of him. I greatly esteem him. I also greatly esteem Rafael Furcal. Furcal has missed a couple of starts. Missed a couple of starts with a weak back. Oh, excuse me, gentlemen. I’ve got to take care of my weak back. Pardon me, how long have you had a weak back? Oh, about a week back. Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk. But before the weak back, Furcal was last seen smashing an Oliver Perez offering over the left-center wall. He’s playing every inning like it is the ninth inning. He is playing every game like it is Game Seven. He’s playing like this is a contract year. Oh, it is a contract year. Who cares? With Jimmy Rollins hurt and with Jose Reyes underachieving, Rafael Furcal is primed to make his first All-Star appearance in five years. Not a moment too soon.
LF: A lot of guys to choose from here. Nat McClouth here. Xavier Nady here. Pat Burrell here. I’m going with Manny. Mammy Ramirez. Man Ram. I’m going with the best right handed batter I’ve ever seen. The best right handed batter there’s ever been. Better than a shortwave diathermy machine. Manny is the straw that stirs the Red Sox drink. Roll Sox roll!
CF: Is there a feel good story that feels any better than this? First pick in the draft. Four million dollar bonus baby. Drafted ahead of Boom Boom Beckett with the overall top pick. Played some minor league ball. Got hurt. Got hooked on the horse. Lost three years of his life. Lost three years waiting for his man. Lost three years and the twenty-six dollars in his hand. Lost three years up to Lexington, 1-2-5. Lost three years feeling sick and dirty, more dead than alive. Lost three years waiting for his man. But like Jack Torrance, he’s baaack. Back and as good as ever. Better than ever. Back with the Texas Rangers. Back with Texas Rangers and leading all of baseball in RBIs. I love a story with a happy ending.
RF: Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Step right up and greet the Mets. Bring your kiddies, bring your wife. Guaranteed to have the time of your life. Ryan Church is having the time of his life. Church Ryan Church went 3-for-4 with a bomb and three runs last night as the Mets smashed dem bums. Church also hit a bomb on Tuesday and is now sporting a .328/.394/.541 hitting line with twenty-four RBIs and twenty-seven runs through thirty-one games. That’s good enough. That’s good enough for me. Lastings who?
SP: Oh, what a tangled Webb we weave. Brandon Webb just earned his Major League-leading seventh win of the season this weekend. Webb just matched Randy Johnson for the best start by a Diamondbacks pitcher. This is nothing Gnew. No gnews is good gnews. Webb started 8-0 in 2006. Webb is only one of three current players who has started 7-0 or better more than once in his career. Pedro and that earring loving Arthur Rhodes are the others. Let’s hope Webb’s career ends up resembling Petey’s more than it does Rhodes’. It will. This season, Webb’s change-up has become almost on par with his sinker. That’s saying something. That’s saying a lot. Webb has a nasty sinker. A filthy sinker. A repugnant sinker. Now he has a change just as vile? A Pedro Martinez change? A Bugs Bunny change? Watch me paste this pathetic palooka with a powerful paralyzing perfect pachyderms percussion pitch. One…two…three strikes. Yer out! I’m out? That’s what the man said, you heard the man.
RP: What? You thought you were gonna get away with only one Red Sox on this squad? You thought I said are you all right Spider. Jonathon Papelbon has now cemented himself the best closer in baseball. No ifs ands or buts about it.
Public Acknowledgements: Salt-n-Pepa, William Shakespeare, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Goodfellas, Tina Turner, Robert Gordon, Beastie Boys, Jane Austin, Three Stooges, Reggie Jackson, Velvet Underground, The Shining and Great Space Coaster
Josh Q. Public: Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth. -Stephen Colbert
Public Knowledge:
1. I’ll take it. I’ll take that Celtics victory last night. I’ll take that Celtics defense last night. That Celtics defense that forced ten Bron Bron turnovers. That Celtics defense that held Bron Bron to only two of eighteen shots. Over the last 40 years only two other players had that low of a shooting percentage while attempting that many shots. Karl Malone and John Starks. See I’ve got heart like John Starks. Hitting mad sparks. Pass me the mic and I’ll be rocking the whole park. The C’s may not have rocked the whole park last night. The C’s missed shots. The C’s turned the ball over. The C’s made bad plays. The C’s won. Just win baby! They won because of their defense. A defense that held the Cavaliers to a 30.7 field-goal percentage. A defense that held the Hawks to a 29.3 shooting percentage on Sunday. A defense that over the two games combined for 29.7 percent. The third-lowest against any NBA team over two games in one year’s playoffs in the shot-clock era. And it’s because of that defense that the C’s win this series. Roll Celtics roll.
2. Give ‘em the old one two. Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle. Manny razzled last night. Papi dazzled last night. Razzled and dazzled for back to back bombs. Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game forty-seven times. Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game ten more times than any other pair of current teammates. Yowza! Papi’s back folks. Ortiz is hitting .440 with three home runs and seven RBIs in his last six games. Yowza! The Sox have won seven out of eight. The hits just keep on hitting. Roll Sox roll!
3. Did you see that Mets game last night? That Mets/Dodgers game last night? My goodness. Dodger rookie Blake DeWitt hits an inside the parker. Moises Alou steals home. Holy cow! It was the first major league game to feature both of those events in nearly eighteen years. Eighteen years since July 29, 1990. July 29, 1990, when Felix Jose hit an inside-the-park home run for the A’s and Brian Harper stole home for the Twinkies. Not for nothing, that was Alou’s fourth career steal of home. That is the most among active players. Not for nothing else, Alou is the oldest position player in baseball.
4. Like Red Buttons, he never got a dinner. Gavin Floyd. Not to be confused with Pud Galvin. This Gavin Floyd character just can’t catch a break. He couldn’t catch a break earlier this season when he took a no-no into the eighth. Took a no-no into the eighth before Edgar Renteria broke it up. Last night it was deja-vu all over again. Last night, Floyd came within two outs of a no-hitter before Joe Mauer’s double smashed those hopes. But hold your head high Gavin, some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner. Pedro Martinez, never got a dinner. Roger Clemens, never got a dinner. Greg Maddux, never got a dinner. Ron Guidry, never got a dinner. Steve Carlton, never got a dinner.
5. Hooray Zach Duke! Zach Duke finally gets off the schnide. Zach Duke won last night for the first time since June 12, 2007. His futile streak of eleven consecutive winless starts tied him with Jason Jennings for the longest current streak in the show. Jason Jennings won’t be losing any games any time soon. He was just put on the 15-day DL with soreness in his forearm. Lucky him.
6. The NBA admitted Chauncey Billups’ 3-pointer at the end of the third quarter should not have counted. Of course it shouldn’t have. It was as plain as the nose on your face. The NBA also said referees aren’t allowed to review instant replay to determine that. Change the rule. Change the rule now. It’s that simple. Simple as the nose on your face. It’s not too late. The NHL made a rule change. Made a rule change in this year’s playoffs. The Sean Avery rule. It made sense. So does this. Hey David Stern, do like Mookie. Do the right thing.
7. Need Glasses?
8. All this talk about Ken Griffey Jr. not going to the Mariners makes me think he’s going to the Mariners.
9. Deetroit Basketball baby! Get out the brooms. The Magic don’t win a game.
10. Yankees still BLEEP. Joba Chambermaid? Ha ha ha! Nice curve. Ha ha ha!
Josh Q. Public:All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered. The point is to discover them. -Galileo
Public Knowledge:
1. Can we say it now? Still too soon? I think not. The New Orleans Hornets are for real. Chris Paul is for real. The Hornets smashed the Spurs once again. It’s only the second time that a defending World Champeen has ever been smashed in the first two games of a postseason series by at least eighteen points. Only the second time! Ever. CP3 had thirty points. CP3 had twelve dimes. He’s the first player in thirteen years to score at least thirty points and notch ten-or-more dimes in a postseason game against San Antonio. The last player to do that was my boy. My boy, Sam I Am. You do not like them so you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say. I say the Spurs are in trouble. Big trouble. Big trouble in Little China. This is the fifteenth time that San Antonio has lost the first two games of a postseason series. Eleven in the NBA and four in the ABA. The Spurs never rebounded to win any of those fourteen previous series. Never.
2. How ’bout them Red Sox? Four in a row. How ’bout that Dice-K? Matsuzaka, Matsuzaka, Matsuzaka! The new king of old Fenway Pahka. Dice-K may have only pitched five innings. Dice-K may have walked eight batters. But Dice-K got the W. Just win baby. The last pitcher prior to Matsuzaka to earn a win despite walking at least eight batters in an outing of no more than five innings was the immortal William VanLandingham of the San Francisco baseball Giants back in 1997. Still undefeated, I think it’s safe to say Dice-K has adjusted to the Bigs. He’s delightful, he’s delicious, he’s delectable, he’s delirious, he’s de limit, he’s deluxe, he’s de-lovely, he’s D-Nice although he hates to admit it, he’s taking out you BLEEPers and you don’t know how he did it.
3. Who says HGH doesn’t do anything? Rick Ankiel’s ninth-inning ground out scored Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols from second base to give the Cardinals a 6-5 win over the Rockies last night. It was Ankiel’s seventh game-winning RBI this season. It is the most for any player in the National League.
4. Pitching, pitching and more pitching. That’s how the Blue Jays roll. The Jays blanked the Go-Go White Sox 1-0 last night. Toronto has now allowed only twelve runs over its last nine games. That ties the fewest runs allowed by any major-league team over a nine-game span since 2003. That matches the fewest runs surrendered over any nine-game span in Blue Jays history. Roy Halladay. A.J. Burnett. Dustin McGowan. Shaun Marcum. Jesse Litsch. The fearsome fivesome. These starters have gone at least seven innings in seven of the last eight games. Yikes! Marcum’s 6 2/3 innings of two-hit baseball against Chicago last Friday being the exception. None of these starters have allowed more than two earned runs in any game. Yikes again. Combined, Toronto’s starters have given up just eight earned runs in their last sixty-six innings. Combined, Toronto’s starters have given up just a ratio of 0.724 WHIP. Yikes a third time. That’s how the Blue Jays roll.
5. Making me feel young again. Jamie Moyer had two hits last night. Since 1900, only three other pitchers age 45-or-older had two or more hits in one game: Jack Quinn, Satchel Paige and that knuckleballing fool Charlie Hough.
6. Remember your first ballgame? This kid won’t:
7. This is not good. Not if you’re a Colts’ fan. Not if you’re a six-five, 230-pound quarterback with a laser rocket arm. Not good at all. Six of the bullet casings found after an April 29 shooting near Marvin Harrison’s car wash and garage came from a gun that belongs to the Colts wide receiver. This thing will only get worse.
8. The other Santana. Ervin Santana. Last night, Ervin struck out nine. Last night, Ervin walked none. Last night, Ervin improved his record to 6-0. Goodness gracious.
9. So that Connecticut kid finally took off his Brett Favre jersey after four years. Good for him. Does that mean I can take off my Denny Doyle boxers now?
10. Yankees still BLEEP. Giambi Juice batting .150. 2-for-27 (.074) with runners in scoring position. Ha ha ha!
Josh Q. Public: Simple and plain. Give me the lane. I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley. See these car keys? You’ll never get these. They belong to the 98 posse. -Public Enemy
Public Service Announcement: Ok, here we go! Finally. Finally we made it. Looks like we made it. Barry Manilow style. But hold on there big fella. Not so fast. There’s still business to take care of. Serious business. Big business. Growed folks business. Cleveland Cavaliers business. LeBron James business. King James. The King is dead. Long live the King! Witness. This is the question on everybody’s mind today. How do the Boston Celtics stop the King today? How do you top a car? Tep on the break, tupid! If only it were that easy. We all know the Celtics play defense. Ridiculous defense. Preposterous defense. Ludacris defense. When I move you move. Just like that. Hell yeah! Hey DJ, bring that back! The Celtics are going to have to bring that defense back. Bring back the best defense in the NBA. Getting stops. Big stops. Important stops. Stops in the name of love. Getting huge defensive stops that enable the C’s to go on huge runs that lead to huge leads that means never having to look back. Howeva. Howeva, during the regular season, the Celtics and Cavaliers split their four games. Both teams winning on their home court. Boston won a game that LeBron James missed. Cleveland took a game that KG sat out. Pretty even. You know who you are? Even Steven. The Celtics are going to have to do better than Even Steven in these here playoffs against these here Cavs with this here Bron Bron. Paul Pierce will try not to exhaust himself defensively against the King. Why should he? He has help. He has Defensive Player of the Year help. Kevin Garnett help. Big Ticket help. Here’s your ticket. Hear the drummer get wicked. Garnett will be able to help because he will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace. Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace. Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace who averaged a paltry 3.2 points against the Wizards. Yes, Garnett will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace. But in order for Garnett to be able to leave Big Ben Wallace and help with LeBron, Kendrick Perkins must do his job. Perk must do his job and hang tough with Ilgauskas. Žydrunas Ilgauskas. Make sure you spell it right. Mike Bibby called Perkins “soft.” Mike Bibby said a lot of things. Where is Mike Bibby now? Perk cannot be soft tonight. Perk cannot be soft in any of these games. Perk will have to get physical. Let’s get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Perk will have to get physical and keep a booty on the brother at all times. He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can do his. He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can free up and help with LeBron. Kendrick had his best game of the playoffs on Sunday. Heck, Kendrick had the best game of his life on Sunday. Ended up with a double-double. Double trouble. Throw it down, big man! Throw it down. He also blocked a playoff career-high five shots despite not playing in the fourth quarter. Perkins dominated Al Horford at the offensive end of the court. Perkins dominated Al Horford at the defensive end of the court. He limited Horford to four points, on 2-for-8 shooting, through the first three quarters. For the Celtics to win this series, they need more of the same. They need more Kendrick Perkins. NBA Action. Win or go home! Roll Celtics roll!
Public Acknowledgements: Stephen A. Smith, The Supremes, Kosmo Kramer, Public Enemy, Olivia Newton John and Bill Walton
Josh Q. Public: If it is not right, do not do it. If it is not true, do not say it. -Marcus Aurelius
Public Knowledge:
1. Boston Celtics. About time. About time they put away the worst team in these here playoffs. About time they blew out the worst team in these here playoffs. The fourth-largest blow out in any seventh game of the playoffs. And they did it how they did it all year. They danced with who brung ‘em. They danced with defense. Tough defense. Oppressive defense. Serious defense. Serious Snape. Serious Snaped the Atlanta Hawks. Atlanta made only twenty-four of eighty-two shots from the floor. Atlanta posted the lowest field-goal percentage (29.3%) for any team in a Game Seven. Any team in a Game Seven during the NBA’s shot-clock era. Now it’s time to D up Cleveland. Now it’s time to D up LeBron. Like Lil’ Kim always says, “Now it’s my time to shi
place behind the Red Sox. Last place behind the Orioles. Last place behind the Blue Jays. The first time that the Yankees have resided in sole possession of last place this many games in since 1995. Ha ha ha! Poor old George Steinbrenner must be rolling around in his grave right about now. Can you blame him? The Yankees are atrocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious! If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious. I don’t care. I don’t care if I sound precocious. It’s true. Like my main Casey Stengel always says, “Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.” Well, Yankees pitchers aren’t pitching and Yankees hitters aren’t hitting. You do the math. We all know about the pitching woes. The well documented pitching woes. We all know about Phil Hughes. On the DL. We all know 
about Ian Kennedy. Akinori Iwamura’s bomb on Kennedy’s fourth pitch of the game last night put the Rays ahead for good. We all know about Kei Igawa. Back down on the farm. We all know about them. It’s the hitting, or lack there of. It’s the lack of hitting that’s sinking this Yankees ship. It’s the lack of hitting that has these Yankees in such trouble. Big trouble. Big trouble in little China. Adventure doesn’t come any bigger! Against Tampa Bay’s four starting pitchers, the Yankees scored two runs in 27 1/3 innings. On this 2-4 road trip, they hit .214 with runners in scoring position. 9-for-42 with zero home runs and a paltry three extra-base hits. Ha ha ha! Where’s A-Broad when you need him? Where’s hip hip 
Jor-ge? There’s no need to fear. Captain Caveman is here. Leadoff hitter Captain Caveman was 1-for-18 in the Tampa Bay series. That’s no way to start your day. Maybe putting on gold lame underwear is. Jason Giambi is hitting .181. Jason Giambi is in a funk. You know what that means. Whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe 
guys threw complete-game shutouts during a 47-inning scoreless streak. Not for nothing, I miss the complete game. Not for nothing else, in 1980, Oakland Athletics pitcher Rick Langford threw 22 consecutive complete games. We’ll ver see that again. Never! The Indians steak is the longest scoreless streak by anyone since the 1974 Orioles. Since Jim Palmer. Since Mike Cuellar. Since Dave McNally. Since Ross Grimsley. Since those guy threw 54 scoreless innings. CC Sabathia won last year’s Cy. CC Sabathia got off to a rough start this year. A tough start this year. A billy goat gruff start this year. But like Jack Torrence, he’s baaaack! Like Jack Torrence, he’s again a masterpiece of modern horror. Last night, Sabathia threw a shutout for the Tribe. Last night Sabathia was living on the corners. Last night Sabathia was virtually unhittable. He’s not the only one that’s been unhittable. So has Clifton Phifor Lee. That’s Cliff to you. Lee has logged 53 2/3 innings so far. Lee has only allowed runs in three of them. Holy Cow! That’s not all. He is 6-0. 6-0 with a best-in-baseball, microscopic,
miniscule, Lilliputian 0.67 ERA. He’s struck out forty-four. Forty-four big Ks compared to a paltry four walks. Lee is just in a groove. Groove is in the heart. Ah-ah-ah-ah. Groove is in the heart. Aaron Laffey goes today. Last seen, Laffey scattered six hits and walked just one in seven scoreless frames to pick up the victory in the Indians’ win over Toronto. Throw in Fausto Carmona. Throw in Paul Byrd. Throw in those guys and you have an impressive starting five. Maybe the most impressive. Maybe the most impressive five since those Jim Palmer Orioles. Like my main man Satchel Paige always says, “My pitching philosophy is simple - keep the ball way from the bat.” That’s what the Indians are doing. And if they keep it up, nobody’s touching them. 
2. If you talk about one, you gotta talk about the other. Talk about it, talk about it, talk about movin’. Funkytown style. You gotta talk about the Marlins. This is only the second time that the Marlins and Rays are in sole possession of first place at the same time. The first time lasted for only a day. The first time was early in the 2004 season. The first time the Rays had a 3-1 record and the Marlins had a 3-2 mark. How long will this one last? A good question. Let’s find out. A One…A two-HOO…A three…Three! Three licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
4. Chauncey Billups? Chauncey Billups? We don’t need no Chauncey Billups. Without Chauncey Billups, Deetroit Basketball set an NBA playoff record by committing only three turnovers . Without Chauncey Billups, Richard Hamilton scored thirty-one points last night. Without Chauncey on Sunday, Hamilton became the first Pistons player to score at least thirty points in a playoff game since he scored thirty-three in Game 6 of the 2006 Eastern Conference semifinals. You know the game. The game in which Detroit was eliminated by Miami. The last Pistons player to record consecutive thirty-point playoff games was, you guessed it, Chauncey Billups, in 2003.
5. Stephon Marbury says he can’t wait to play for Mike D’Antoni. He says he thinks it’s great. Steph says a lot of things. Steph said, “How can you not be supportive of Larry Brown being the coach? He’s one of the best coaches to coach the game. So for me, that’s a no-brainer.” Steph said, “I know Isiah and I know he’s an honorable man. I know that he’s a guy filled with a lot of character, so I think everyone here is on his side.” What he really means to say is, ” I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!” 
8. Can we put Spygate to bed now. Huh? Can we? Thank you. And not for nothing, isn’t this Arlen Specter cat’s interest in this whole thing a little bit ironic. Isn’t he the cat who proposed legislation that would allow Bush to seek a warrant from a special court for an electronic surveillance program? A bill that would also grant blanket amnesty to anyone who authorized warrantless surveillance under presidential authority? I’m just saying.
American League in RBIs. Yes, Hamilton is among the leaders in home runs and slugging percentage. Yes, he plays a dy-no-mite center field. Yes, he’s doing all that; but this Voltron character is tearing it up. Loaded for bearing it up. Haven’t got a prayering it up. Last night, Voltron allowed a meager one run in six innings. Big deal, you say. Who cares, you say. I say that ties a major-league record by allowing fewer than two earned runs in each of his first eight starts in a season. Yowza! I also say only three other pitchers have done that. Just one in the live-ball era, Mike Norris of the A’s in 1980. The others were Dana Fillingim of the 1918 Boston Braves and Dutch Leonard of the1914 Red Sox. Now that’s saying 
something. That’s saying a lot. I’ll say something else. I’ll say Voltron is 6-1. I’ll say he leads the National League with a 1.12 ERA. I’ll say he’s mixing in a 96-mph fastball with a sick change. An ill change. Most illinest, stealinest, villianest B-Boy change. Dare I say it? A Pedro change. It’s no wonder they call him Little Pedro. Everybody’s been yipping about Johnny Cueto. Everybody’s been yapping about Johnny Cueto. Where is the love for Edinson? Father, Father, Father help us. Send some guidance from above. ‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’. Where is the love? 
pick ahead of Josh Beckett. Led the rookie league Hudson Valley Renegades. Led them to their first and only New York-Penn League championship. Then there was the car accident. Then there were lingering back and shoulder injuries. Then there were the drugs. Then there were the twenty-six tattoos. More drugs. Suicide attempts. More drugs. Sex and drugs and rock and roll is all my brain and body need. Sex and drugs and rock and roll are very good indeed. Missed four years of organized baseball to become a coke and crack addict. Now look at him. Take a look at the bad guy. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way! Better get out of Josh Hamilton’s way. The Natural drove in four runs last night. The Natural had his thirteenth multiple-RBI game of the season last night. That gives the Natural a major-league leading forty-three base 
knocks. That gives the Natural the most multiple-RBI games in the show. A lean mean RBI machine. Last April, he was named the National League’s Rookie of the Month. This April, he was recognized as the American League Player of the Month. He just gets better and better. Marlon Byrd: “Josh is a freak. A phenom. He’s going to do some wonderful things.” He already is, although Josh may disagree. Hamilton: “I just don’t feel like I’ve put everything together yet. I don’t feel like I’ve had a game where I’ve done everything.” Yikes! The kid already has the skillset of an absolute superstar. Live larges. A big house. Five cars. He’s in charge. Ten years from now, when I’m talking about Josh Hamilton, I’ll be talking about his superstardom. Not the remarkable backstory.
2. Quick. Who has the best record in all of baseball? If you said the Florida Marlins, get yourself a lollipop. Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? It doesn’t hurt that they’ve playing the Nats. The lowly Nats. The godawful Nats. The Marlins are 6-0 at Nationals Park. 6-0 after sweeping a pair of three-game series in Washington this season. It’s the first time that Florida has won its first six games at any ballpark. Yes, the Marlins are hot. Hot to trot. So is Dan Uggla. Uggla hit two bombs yesterday. Uggla hit a grand slam home run and drove in five runs Saturday. Uggla had five hits, three home runs and seven RBIs as the Marlins swept the Nats this weekend to notch their seventh straight win. Yowza! Mets? Phillies? Braves? Nope, it’s the Florida Marlins. Let’s just hope they wait until after the season to break up the team. 
4. All Uggla. All the time. As previously noted, Dan Uggla hit two bombs as the Marlins completed a series sweep at Washington. That makes eleven bombs in all. Eleven bombs through Florida’s first thirty-seven games. Earlier this year, the best player in baseball, Chase Utley, hit his eleventh bomb in the Phillies‘ twenty-eighth game. Just so you know. Not that you care. In National League history, only three other second basemen hit eleven or more homers within their team’s first thirty-seven games of a season. Wanna know who they are? Huh? Do ya? Sure you do. Rogers Hornsby. Twice. Jeff Kent and Jay Bell. So there you have it. 
7. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I never saw this one coming. Well, yes I did. So did everybody. It’s a miracle he made it this long. The Brewers yanked Eric Gagne from the closer’s role on Sunday. From 1999-2006 with the Dodgers, Gagne was lights out. Literally. Eric Gagne was the most dominant closer in baseball. The past two seasons with Texas, Boston and now Milwaukee…Not so much. Francisco Cordero? Who needs him?
9. Just when I was starting to think I was a genius. This happens. Rafael Furcal. I drafted him in two leagues. Check out the big brain on Brett! You’re a smart mother
holding King James to six for twenty-four last night. Witness the Celtics holding King James to two for eighteen in Game One. Witness the Celtics holding King James to a shooting percentage of just nineteen in these here playoffs. Nineteen! That nineteen percent is the lowest shooting percentage in the NBA playoffs in the shot-clock era among players who attempted at least forty shots over any two consecutive games in one postseason. Yowza! So now you have to ask yourself, is the Celtics defense that good; or is LeBron that bad? Those are your two options. Your only two options. I don’t think LeBron is that bad, so I must say, the Celtics defense is that good. Good to the last drop. All night, the Celtics hand their hands in a face. All night, the Celtics were clogging the lane. All night, the Celtics had a booty on a brother. All night, the Celtics were doubling on the pick and roll. All night, the
Celtics were crowding mugs on traps. Coach Mike Brown said the King’s shots were just not falling. Coach Mike Brown said he has to go back and watch the tape. He don’t need to watch no tape. I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him what happened. I know it. You know it. Tracy McGrady knows it. And now LeBron James knows it. This Celtics defense is the best defense we’ve ever seen. The best defense there’s ever been. Better than Afrosheen. That’s what happened. The Cavaliers’ offensive game that usually flows so easily has been brought to a screeching halt. The shots that normally drop have been clanging off the rim. Cleveland’s Superman has been reduced to Clark Kent status in 
these Eastern Conference semifinals. The Celtics are the Kryptonite. Dy-no-mite! Dolemite. Bone-crushing, skull-splitting, brain-blasting action! Credit goes to Paul Pierce. Credit goes to James Posey. But credit also goes to Kevin Garnett, Kendrick Perkins, Big Show Leon Powe and everyone else who chased down Bron Bron and gave him fits. This a team effort. Tom Thibedeau defense. Team defense. Five players on the floor functioning as one single unit. Team, team, team. No one more important that the other. Welcome to Boston Celtics basketball. Roll Celtics roll!
1B: Elbow? Elbow? What elbow? Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges. Phat Albert Winnie the Pujols. The man fantasy owners stayed away from. Stayed away from like the plague. The man fantasy owners stayed away from like the plague is plaguing opposing pitching. You can Derek Lee me. You can Lance Berkman me. I don’t care. I’m still taking Phat Albert. Hey hey hey! Pujols leads all of baseball in on base percentage. Pujols has reached base safely in all thirty-five games this season. Yes he’s gimping around a little bit. A little bit. I’m sorry. You insulted him a little bit. He’s gimping around a little bit because of the play. You saw the play. That mad dash play. That mad dash play from second base to score the winning run for the Redbirds on Monday night in Colorado. That was a leadership play. That was a statement play. That play was about winning. And isn’t winning what it’s all about?
3B: The spot generally reserved for A-Broad. The spot that is generally reserved for the guy who passed out during the birth of his first daughter. That spot there. That spot goes to Chipper Jones. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Chipper Jones is hot. Red hot. My gal is red hot. Your gal ain’t doodley squat! Chipper Jones continues his assault on the .400 mark. Jones leads the majors with a .429 batting average. A .429 batting average! He’s got more action than my man John Woo. And he’s got mad hits like he was Rod Carew. Rod Carew with power. Chipper already has one MVP. Is another one in the making? Not with Utley around, but you know what I’m saying.
LF: A lot of guys to choose from here. Nat McClouth here. Xavier Nady here. Pat Burrell here. I’m going with Manny. Mammy Ramirez. Man Ram. I’m going with the best right handed batter I’ve ever seen. The best right handed batter there’s ever been. Better than a shortwave diathermy machine. Manny is the straw that stirs the Red Sox drink. Roll Sox roll!
RF: Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Step right up and greet the Mets. Bring your kiddies, bring your wife. Guaranteed to have the time of your life. Ryan Church is having the time of his life. Church Ryan Church went 3-for-4 with a bomb and three runs last night as the Mets smashed dem bums. Church also hit a bomb on Tuesday and is now sporting a .328/.394/.541 hitting line with twenty-four RBIs and twenty-seven runs through thirty-one games. That’s good enough. That’s good enough for me. Lastings who?
2. Give ‘em the old one two. Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle. Manny razzled last night. Papi dazzled last night. Razzled and dazzled for back to back bombs. Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game forty-seven times. Big Papi and Manny have hit home runs in the same game ten more times than any other pair of current teammates. Yowza! Papi’s back folks. Ortiz is hitting .440 with three home runs and seven RBIs in his last six games. Yowza! The Sox have won seven out of eight. The hits just keep on hitting. Roll Sox roll!
4. Like Red Buttons, he never got a dinner. Gavin Floyd. Not to be confused with Pud Galvin. This Gavin Floyd character just can’t catch a break. He couldn’t catch a break earlier this season when he took a no-no into the eighth. Took a no-no into the eighth before Edgar Renteria broke it up. Last night it was deja-vu all over again. Last night, Floyd came within two outs of a no-hitter before Joe Mauer’s double smashed those hopes. But hold your head high Gavin, some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner. Pedro Martinez, never got a dinner. Roger Clemens, never got a dinner. Greg Maddux, never got a dinner. Ron Guidry, never got a dinner. Steve Carlton, never got a dinner. 
6. The NBA admitted Chauncey Billups’ 3-pointer at the end of the third quarter should not have counted. Of course it shouldn’t have. It was as plain as the nose on your face. The NBA also said referees aren’t allowed to review instant replay to determine that. Change the rule. Change the rule now. It’s that simple. Simple as the nose on your face. It’s not too late. The NHL made a rule change. Made a rule change in this year’s playoffs. The Sean Avery rule. It made sense. So does this. Hey David Stern, do like Mookie. Do the right thing.
2. How ’bout them Red Sox? Four in a row. How ’bout that Dice-K? Matsuzaka, Matsuzaka, Matsuzaka! The new king of old Fenway Pahka. Dice-K may have only pitched five innings. Dice-K may have walked eight batters. But Dice-K got the W. Just win baby. The last pitcher prior to Matsuzaka to earn a win despite walking at least eight batters in an outing of no more than five innings was the immortal William VanLandingham of the San Francisco baseball Giants back in 1997. Still undefeated, I think it’s safe to say Dice-K has adjusted to the Bigs. He’s delightful, he’s delicious, he’s delectable, he’s delirious, he’s de limit, he’s deluxe, he’s de-lovely, he’s D-Nice although he hates to admit it, he’s taking out you 
to bring that defense back. Bring back the best defense in the NBA. Getting stops. Big stops. Important stops. Stops in the name of love. Getting huge defensive stops that enable the C’s to go on huge runs that lead to huge leads that means never having to look back. Howeva. Howeva, during the regular season, the Celtics and Cavaliers split their four games. Both teams winning on their home court. Boston won a game that LeBron James missed. Cleveland took a game that KG sat out. Pretty even. You know who you are? Even Steven. The Celtics are going to have to do better than Even Steven in these here playoffs against these here Cavs with this here Bron Bron. Paul Pierce will try not to exhaust himself defensively against the King. Why should he? He 
has help. He has Defensive Player of the Year help. Kevin Garnett help. Big Ticket help. Here’s your ticket. Hear the drummer get wicked. Garnett will be able to help because he will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace. Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace. Offensively impotent Big Ben Wallace who averaged a paltry 3.2 points against the Wizards. Yes, Garnett will be able to leave Big Ben Wallace. But in order for Garnett to be able to leave Big Ben Wallace and help with LeBron, Kendrick Perkins must do his job. Perk must do his job and hang tough with Ilgauskas. Žydrunas Ilgauskas. Make sure you spell it right. Mike Bibby called Perkins “soft.” Mike Bibby said a lot of things. Where is Mike Bibby now? Perk cannot be soft tonight. Perk cannot be soft in any of these games. Perk will have to get physical. Let’s get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Perk will have to get physical and keep a 
booty on the brother at all times. He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can do his. He will have to do his job so Kevin Garnett can free up and help with LeBron. Kendrick had his best game of the playoffs on Sunday. Heck, Kendrick had the best game of his life on Sunday. Ended up with a double-double. Double trouble. Throw it down, big man! Throw it down. He also blocked a playoff career-high five shots despite not playing in the fourth quarter. Perkins dominated Al Horford at the offensive end of the court. Perkins dominated Al Horford at the defensive end of the court. He limited Horford to four points, on 2-for-8 shooting, through the first three quarters. For the Celtics to win this series, they need more of the same. They need more Kendrick Perkins. NBA Action. Win or go home! Roll Celtics roll!
