While I think Mike Holmgren is a pretty solid coach, I’ve always felt he was a bit overrated (before the Super Bowl, one of the common stories was about the tremendous job Holmgren has done since he gave up personnel responsibilities).  Sunday’s performance did nothing to change my mind. 

            But after I recently read about Holmgren’s motivational techniques, my opinion of him dropped another couple of notches.  Apparently, in an attempt to inspire his players, Holmgren showed the team $73,000 – the winner's share – in $1 bills the Saturday night before the Super Bowl, according to The New York Post.  The loser’s share is $38,000.

            Does this make sense to anyone?  This just seems absolutely insane to me.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but I can’t stop thinking that Holmgren is completely out of touch with reality.  These players are facing the biggest game of their lives, they’re already millionaires and can make history by bringing the first championship to Seattle – and Holmgren thinks that the extra $35,000 (the difference between the winning and losing) is the most important factor to the players.   

            The weird part is that Holmgren has won a championship before with the Green Bay Packers, so you would think he would make decisions based on past experience.  I’m trying to imagine Brett Favre, Antonio Freeman and LeRoy Butler sitting in the locker room, all of them smoking cigars and celebrating the fact that they were now $73,000 richer.  Granted, I wasn’t there, but I have a hard time believing that’s what happened.      

            Initially, I thought maybe Holmgren just didn’t give much thought to his speech so it turned out lame.  But that can’t be it – think about the effort it would take to get $73,000 in $1 bills on a Saturday.  You obviously just can’t do on the spur of the moment – a likely scenario is that he came up with the idea on Thursday, had someone get the money on Friday and then gave the speech on Saturday.  So even after three days, this still seemed like a good idea to Holmgren. 

            If I was a Seahawks fan, I would be concerned.  It’s not that I think the motivational speech is important because I think a lot of the rah-rah stuff is forgotten as soon as the game starts.  It’s just that it shows an amazing lack of common sense by the head coach who is supposed to lead your team to the promised land.  When you think about it, are you surprised that this man couldn’t figure out how to manage the clock (kick the field goal!) at the end of the game?        

            Um, that’s it.  Just wanted to let everyone know that Holmgren might be delusional.  

***********************************************<
/p>

             Last note on the Super Bowl: After the big game, I typically feel a little bummed out that football season is over.  But after all the whining from Seattle fans and the ridiculous rants of Pittsburgh fans, I’m sick of football.  I just want it to go away.  It’s like when I have a bad round of golf, I don’t care if I play for another month.  So thank you, Seahawks and Steelers fans, for providing such an excruciating experience – it is much easier to move on now.    

 

 

Did the NFL fix the Super Bowl? No, the refs were just horrible. 

I don't believe in the conspiracy theories because of one principle: risk/reward.  Bottom line: the risk of fixing games by the league is far too great.  If the NFL was caught doing that, it would be the greatest scandal in sports history and could cripple the league for years.  Do you think the league would risk all that just so that Jerome Bettis could win a championship?  Or just because Pittsburgh makes a better story?  No way, it’s not worth it. 

Trust me, as a Utah Jazz fan who watched Michael Jordan get all the calls in the playoffs, I've given it a lot of thought. 

*************************************

Did the refs cost the Seahawks the game?  Sort of.  Yes, it's true that great teams can overcome bad calls and Seattle didn't -- they're not a great team.  But neither is Pittsburgh.  If there were phantom penalties on the Willie Parker run and the pass play that set up the first Steelers’ touchdown, Pittsburgh doesn't win either. 

Seattle fans shouldn't complain because the Seahawks still had their chances to win it.  But Pittsburgh fans shouldn't be gloating, either, because the Steelers were flat-out lucky.  Just celebrate the title and thank your lucky stars that the officials had a Peyton Manning-like meltdown on the big stage, but don’t try to tell us that Pittsburgh was the better team on Sunday.  The only people who think that the penalty calls on the Seahawks were legitimate are Pittsburgh Steelers’ fans or people who thought the halftime show was great – either way, they’re both delusional.

*************************************

Does anything scream rock ‘n roll more than a 62-year-old man doing Jazzercise moves in a belly shirt?  I think not. 

*************************************

Why were all the people around the stage during the show wearing bright, neon-#### shirts?  It looked like a Wham! concert. 

*************************************

What was the deal with Al Michaels making a random Lake Placid reference at the start of the game?  “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”  Yeah, yeah, you made a great call, Al.   But seriously, you’re probably been congratulated on that at least a million times.  You were even in the movie.  Do you really need to remind us again that you were there?

 

            I’ve always loved the Super Bowl, but there are definitely some ways to make it better.  If I could, these are first three things that I would change.    

Designate Las Vegas as the Permanent Super Bowl Site 

I’ve had many in-depth discussions about this, and, honestly, I’m still a little torn.  There is a spiteful part of me that loves that the Super Bowl is in Detroit.  Heck, I kind of wish it rotated between Detroit, Green Bay, and Duluth just so I knew I wasn’t missing anything by not being there. 

In the end, however, I’ve decided that the Super Bowl needs to be in Las Vegas every year – ultimately, it just makes too much sense. 

First of all, more than anything, the Super Bowl is a two-week party.  Obviously, there is no other city better equipped for a bash that lasts half a month.  People would go to Las Vegas just to be part of the festivities, even if they couldn’t get into the game.  When was the last time you heard of someone going to Detroit just to party?

Second, the players’ ability to handle Vegas becomes a story in its own right.  It is probably the only storyline that could hold fans’ attention for two weeks.  The drama that could potentially unfold each day would be mesmerizing.  In addition to a daily injury report, they would need to create a Las Vegas report: Owens – jailed for solicitation; Lewis – missing, last seen at Cheetah’s. 

Then factor in the potential effects of all the wild parties – inebriated players showing up to interview day; rampant dehydration during the game; the first time a player misses the Super Bowl because he simply couldn’t get out of bed – the possibilities are endless.

For example, think about the 1985 Chicago Bears, a team that everyone knew would crush the Patriots.  Now imagine if they had to spend two weeks in Vegas – it would have changed the entire complexion of that game.  How do you handicap that game when you know Jim McMahon is going to get a total of 13 hours of sleep in the final week? 

Of course, none of the above scenarios would apply to today’s Patriots since Belichick would just fly his players back to Utah every night.

The third reason to hold the Super Bowl in Vegas is because everyone in the stadium would have money on the game.  You know how much fun it is to be in the sports book with a couple hundred people on an NFL weekend?  Imagine being with 70,000 people who are betting the over/under.  You could have a 28-7 blowout in the 4th quarter and every fan would still be at the edge of his seat to see if his $100 on the 42.5 over was going to pay off.  The atmosphere would be absolutely electric. 

Lastly, on the night after the game, you have roughly 50 NFL players who have just won the Super Bowl and another 50 who just experienced the greatest disappointment in their lives.  And they are all in Vegas.  We could reach unprecedented levels of mayhem.  The report of this night would easily be the most anticipated story coming out of Super Bowl weekend.

I know what some people are going to say about this idea.  The NFL will never go for it.  The networks and sponsors will never go for it.  Even the Vegas casinos might not go for it (do you want your rooms filled with high rollers or the sports writer for the Cleveland Plain Dealer?).  But you know something, if they don’t like it, they can get their own blog.  Because around here, we’re going to Vegas, baby, Vegas. 

 

Allot More Tickets to the Real Fans

            One of the great sights of this year’s Rose Bowl was seeing half of the stadium dressed in Texas Burnt Orange and the other half in USC Cardinal and Gold.  But at the Super Bowl, the stands won’t be brimming with Steelers’ Black and Gold on one side and Seahawks’ aqua-blue puke color on the other.  

That’s because each team is allotted only 17.5 percent of the Super Bowl tickets, or a little less than 11,500 passes.  After all the mothers of the players’ children are given their tickets, there’s only around 8,500 seats left for the fans. 

The rest of the tickets are divvied up among other teams in the league and the NFL.  Most of these tickets are used for corporate sponsors and Mike Tice’s retirement fund.

Last year, USA Today reported that the median income for those who attended the Super Bowl was $125,000. So if you are looking for another reason to hate rich people, here it is – they’re at the Super Bowl and you aren’t.  (Of course, I probably shouldn’t encourage people to hate anyone, but the Internet is a place to rail against things that you find unjust, like rich people or Keanu Reeves’ career.  I also think it’s OK since rich people have their own place to degrade poor people – it’s called a country club.)

I realize that most people at the game are probably football fans.  But few of them have strong loyalties to either team – most are just rooting to see a good game.  While there’s nothing wrong with that (I would be the same way), it doesn’t lend itself to a particularly electric atmosphere.

It’s a little like when the NBA plays an exhibition game in Japan.  All the fans are excited and they’re cheering every play, but they couldn’t care less who wins the game.  It may be a fun atmosphere, but it doesn’t have the same intensity of a home crowd rooting on their team. 

            Obviously, there will always be a substantial number of corporate tickets, but it seems like the NFL should be able to release a few more thousand tickets to the diehard fans.  There are grown adults who paint their faces and bodies to show support for their team – just throw them another bone.  While I don’t understand them and, quite frankly, find them a little frightening, these people deserve to be at the game more than another suit. 

 

Musicians Who are Eligible for Social Security Cannot Perform at Halftime

            During the furor that immediately followed Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, I remember thinking that the controversy would soon pass and it would become nothing more than a funny Super Bowl memory.  Of course, as usual, I was dead wrong. 

            One of my friends has called it the worst non-terrorism event in this country over the last 15 years.  He has three reasons: (1) It ruined any fantasies that he had about Janet Jackson, (2) It set off a chain of events that led to Howard Stern leaving free radio and (3) On a subconscious level, he is now disappointed any time he turns on the TV and doesn’t see nudity.

            You may or may not agree with him on those points.  But I will give you one more reason that he may be right: Halftime entertainment is becoming an absolute abomination. 

            As a result of Janet and Justin’s fiasco, one of last year’s requirements apparently was a musician who was not only uncontroversial, but also had the ability to suck the life out of a stadium full of people.  I present to you Paul McCartney. 

Don’t get me wrong, McCartney is an incredible musician able to put on amazing shows, during the Nixon administration.  I would say more about McCartney’s performance but I can’t – I feel too guilty knowing that I am ridiculing someone’s great-grandfather.  It would be no different than if I went to the local retirement center and teased the residents for having false teeth and artificial hips.

I was willing to give the NFL a pass since it was only a year after the Janet Jackson incident.  But now it’s time to move on – unfortunately, it’s clear that the NFL still hasn’t.

That’s why this year the Rolling Stones are performing at halftime.  I’m not exactly sure which target audience the NFL is trying to reach, but I’m pretty sure that most of them are dead.

Honestly, it’s a little sad to see how the Rolling Stones have sold out.  These guys were groundbreaking, rule breaking, and generally awesome in their heyday.  But now?  Well, now they’re sticking it to the man through multi-million dollar corporate sponsorships and $250 concert tickets.

I realize I run the risk of offending people who are Rolling Stones’ fans, so I just want to say two things to those people.  First, it isn’t that the Rolling Stones are a bad band – they’re one of the all-time greats.  They’re just not right for the Super Bowl, that’s all.  Second, who printed this story out for you?  Because I know you don’t know how to turn on the computer by yourself.

            To be completely honest, Super Bowl halftime shows have never been extremely entertaining.  There have been a few exceptions, such as U2’s performance.  I also enjoyed the years when the league copied the MTV Music Awards’ idea of pairing odd couples during presentations, like Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson (undoubtedly one of the three most frightening experiences of Mandy’s young life, but if I’m honest, it would be in my top three, too). 

The only difference is that the NFL made the musicians actually perform together, which was a genius.  My favorite was Shania Twain, No Doubt and Sting.  The music wasn’t that great, but it was bizarre, which is a pretty good substitute for real entertainment.  

            I miss those days.  Again, halftime shows were never first-rate, but they were at least tolerable.  That’s all I’m looking for – a return to mediocrity.  Honestly, it would be a major step up.

 

 

 

 

If you want to read the first part of this article that explains the criteria for this list as well as #6-#10 entries, click here.

5. Ricky Williams

            Williams has always been a bit different, such as not talking much to teammates, only doing interviews with his helmet on, and wearing a wedding dress for a magazine photo shoot.  These are things that didn’t scream crazy, but just a little odd.

            Then he decided to leave the NFL so he could smoke pot.  Hey, if it’s that important to him, who am I to judge?  But I always thought the craziest part was that he felt he had to quit football in order to smoke weed.  Since when did they become mutually exclusive?  If he hadn’t learned from one of his teammates how to get around the drug test, he really must be a loner.  Where was his agent?  Couldn’t he have arranged a conference call with one of the Portland Trailblazers so they could explain to Ricky how the system worked?

            Look, I would be the last person to endorse marijuana use.  But it is what it is – pro athletes smoke marijuana.  In fact, I guarantee that marijuana is more prevalent in professional sports than steroids. Of course, it’s a meaningless guarantee since we will never know if I am right or not.  And also, you don’t get anything if I am wrong.  Nevertheless, I stand 100% behind my guarantee.

            Let’s just end this section with a quote that Ricky gave after he returned to football.

            “Everywhere I go, I hear ‘Welcome back.’  But everywhere I have been, I have always been with myself.  I'm with myself now more than ever.  It's funny people say ‘Welcome back’ when I haven't gone anywhere.”

            Seriously, it’s really hard for me to believe that this is a guy who likes to smoke pot.

 

4. Tonya Harding           

For argument’s sake, let’s accept the assumption that whacking your opponent’s knee with a lead pipe is the most effective way of eliminating your arch nemesis (personally, I would have gone with either drugging her or loosening the blades on her skates.  If you wanted to go for more of a psychological ploy, you could shred her costume the night before, which she wouldn’t discover until she went to get dressed the next day.  Nevertheless, the lead pipe is a brutally simple yet efficient method – I can live with it).             

My question is if you’re going to use the lead pipe, why do it at the ice rink that is filled with media and security personnel?  Couldn’t you do it when she’s coming out of her hotel room, or at least the parking lot at the ice rink?  Was it poor planning, or were they just so lazy they didn’t want to make the drive over to the hotel?  It was like second graders hatched this plan – even Encyclopedia Brown would have been insulted by the simplicity of this case. 

Anyway, since then Harding has become a professional boxer.  In her debut, she beat up a defenseless Paula Jones at Celebrity Boxing.  If you didn’t see the fight, it was a frightening spectacle.  Jones was a last minute replacement for Amy Fisher, who couldn’t fight due to a parole judge’s order.  Apparently when Jones signed on, she only heard the word “Celebrity”, and not the word “Boxing” (both terms being used loosely, of course).  It was as though she was totally oblivious to the fact that she would likely be punched in the head. 

When the match started, it was immediately apparent that Jones was completely unprepared, and at one point she was backpedaling while shaking her head “No” to indicate she wanted to quit.  Of course, Harding ignored her pleas for mercy, pressed forward and began bashing Jones in the face until the fight was finally stopped.  At that moment, I thought it was completely plausible that this 5’2” figure skater could intimidate two grown men into a hit job on a defenseless woman. 

Sadly enough, you can look at Harding and quickly come to the conclusion that her career is now on an upswing. 

            Quick personal story: In 1994, I was flying home from Japan, where I had been living for the past two years.  I basically had no idea what was going on in the U.S. (couldn’t read the Japanese newspapers and the Internet was basically non-existent).  Just before we land, a news program comes on the monitor.  The two lead stories were about (1) an ice skater who directed someone to club another skater’s knee and (2) a trial where the wife had cut off her husband’s manhood and thrown it out a window (Lorena Bobbitt). 

            Seems like crazy news stories are the norm today, but before 1992 (when I left for Japan) could you think of any stories that were close to being this bizarre?  I was also in a different frame of mind since I was returning from a country where bad things hardly ever happened – if there was a murder, it became national news.  I felt like I had been frozen in time and returned to 20^th century Babylon.  I was fully prepared for the apocalypse – if the Chicago Cubs would have won the World Series that year, I would have been a basket case. 

 

3. Ron Artest           

You know he’s crazy, I know he’s crazy – apparently the Indiana Pacers just found out he’s crazy (I’ve already written about the Pacers and Artest in a previous article, so all I’m going to say is if you’re going to bring back a man who beat down fans during a game, it is ridiculous to hold him to the same standards that you assign to normal people.  He’s just not going to live up to them).

            The most memorable image I will always have of Artest came during a part of the Detroit brawl that was pointed out to me by a friend (or I might have read it, I can’t remember but I’m making that declaration now.  Yes, I’m a little paranoid about plagiarism right now.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s just better that you not ask).  What I remember about the fight was that after he attacked the first guy, he sort of stops and the look on his face seems to say “What am I doing?”  But a second later, it’s like he thinks: “Oh, well, I’m already here” and then starts wailing on people again. 

            Then this season, he says he wants to be traded because of all the baggage and pressure that surround him in Indiana.  When asked where he would like to be traded to, Artest answers … New York, which, of course, is well-known for its patient and understanding fans. 

It would be interesting to see Artest charge the stands in New York, and then watch the fans fight back.  I think I’d put Artest at a 3-to-1 underdog – he’s at least a 2-to-1 favorite any where else.  A 5-to-1 favorite in Utah.

 

2. Dennis Rodman

            The Dennis Rodman that everyone knows now is certainly different than the Rodman that first came into the league.  Back then he was an earnest young player who played his heart out each night.  When he won Defensive Player of the Year, he broke down in tears because he was so overwhelmed.  It was refreshing to see a professional athlete who was genuinely touched by the recognition he received for his effort.  Of course, I just laughed at him because I hated the Pistons.

            Then he underwent a transformation and suddenly he was the bad boy of the NBA.  He dyed his hair weird colors, he had tons of piercing and tattoos, and had flings with Madonna and Carmen Electra. 

            But I never totally bought into his act because I was always leery that he was conning everyone so he could increase his celebrity and personal wealth. 

            However, there were other times when I thought maybe he did have some serious issues.  Like the time when Jim Gray was interviewing Rodman, and Rodman started to cry.  What?  It’s freaking Jim Gray!  It’s like Screech making you cry!  The initial shock on Gray’s face was priceless – he couldn’t have been more surprised than i####irl gave him her number.  After the shock began to subside, you could see Gray thinking: “I just made Rodman cry!  Everyone’s going to be talking about me.  Maybe Walton and Snapper will let me go out to dinner with them tonight.”

            So if Rodman is #2, then that could only leave us  … 

             

1. Mike Tyson           

Tyson is clearly the craziest athlete over the last 20 years, but he almost doesn’t make the list because he’s so depressing.  He was the most gifted fighter of my lifetime, maybe even of all time.  Not only that, he was the most dynamic athlete in the world at his peak – I remember watching his fights with friends, and the room would start buzzing the moment he started his walk to the ring.  I’m talking about the room where we were watching the television, not the room full of people that were attending the event in person. 

            Can you think of another athlete that caused that much excitement when people just saw him on TV?  Not even Jordan had that effect.

             Unfortunately, Tyson has become the Michael Jackson of the sports world – once known for his unmatched talents, he is now known for his bizarre behavior.  Some say that Tyson’s life may have been different if his mentor Cus D’Amato had lived a bit longer.  But make no mistake – Tyson would have been a disaster even with D'Amato. 

Think of some of the crazy things he’s done:

·        Bit off Holyfield’s ear

·        Told Lennox Lewis: “I want to eat your children”

·        Convicted of rape

·        Considered a career in the adult video industry

·        Married Robin Givens 

Someone doesn’t do those things just because he’s hanging around the wrong crowd – he does it because he has severe emotional problems.

            Let’s take a look at my latest, favorite Tyson quote after he lost to Kevin McBride. 

            "I don't want to fight no more ... I don't have the stomach to do it no more. I don't even kill insects in my house. I just don't kill anything no more. I used to kill pigeons, rip their heads off, 'You dirty rat pigeon!' I don't even have the heart to kill an animal no more."

            In other words, if Tyson doesn’t have the urge to rip off the head of a pigeon, he’s just not ready to box. 

The thing is Tyson probably truly believes that in his heart.  And that’s why he’s Number 1 on this list. 

 

Honorable Mention

            I thought I would make a list of athletes who didn’t quite make it into the Top 10. 

 Bode Miller – Can you think of a more dangerous sport to participate in while drunk than Giant Slalom Ski Racing?  OK, there’s NASCAR.  And maybe skeet shooting.  But slalom ski racing is right up there.

Jose Canseco – He has admitted to using steroids, been arrested for beating his wife, and appeared on The Surreal Life.  A year ago, he would have been a lock to be on this list.  But when I was watching the Congressional baseball hearings, I realized that he might be the most stand-up guy in the room, politicians and lawyers included (of course, that probably goes without saying). 

Stephen Jackson – On how he’s changed since beating fans in Detroit: "It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person."

Albert Belle – A Capricorn, Albert enjoys corking bats and throwing baseballs at fans.  That’s throw at them (as in targets), not to them (as in “Here’s a souvenir”).  Albert probably should have been on the list, but I actually forgot about him.

Latrell Sprewell – He once choked his coach.  He’s done other things, but that should be enough for this list.  

Randy Moss – There’s a lot of reasons he was a candidate, not the least of which is that he totally tanked this season and single-handedly submarined my fantasy football team.

Terrell Owens – It could easily be argued that Owens should have made the list.  But I didn’t include him for two reasons: (1) I think he made a calculated decision with his agent to disrupt the Eagles’ season, but he misjudged how far he could push it.  I think this was poor judgment as opposed to irrational behavior – I am sure he gave this a lot of thought; and (2) I’m just sick of hearing about the guy.

 

 

 

 

 

Lebron James has improved his game this season to the point that the projections of the next Michael Jordan might finally be coming to fruition.  Yes, the latest Nike commercials of “The Lebrons” are worthy of comparison to Jordan’s old commercials. 

I’ve always thought Lebron had tremendous potential but I was starting to lose hope after some awful Sprite commercials that included him pretending to crack his neck while he’s really squeezing a Sprite can (please tell me that one of Lebron’s high school buddies wrote that and not a real ad professional) and the annoying Thirst doll sidekick, which is a blatant rip-off of the classic Li’l Penny commercials.  If they would have faced off today, Li’l Penny would tear Thirst apart right up until the time he would inevitably blow out his knee.  

Lebron’s previous Nike and PowerAde ads haven’t been as terrible, but they haven’t been good, either.  But hope is alive as I absolutely love the “Lebrons” commercials, and I know I’m not alone.  Tony Kornheiser was giving glowing reviews to the ads.  He was also raving about Lebron’s dancing ability, which I thought was a little odd.  I mean we’re talking about one of the most gifted athletes in the world – should we really be surprised that he’s coordinated enough to break dance a little bit?  We’re not talking about Mark Madsen or Chris Kaman here.  By the way, it is absolutely terrifying to look at Kaman.  He’s not scary like Ray Lewis, but more like “my car broke down in the backwoods of Tennessee and now there’s a large, stringy-haired man dressed in a plaid shirt and jean overalls carrying a shotgun and he’s staring at me” scary. 

There’s just something about Kaman that doesn’t seem right.  It’s reminiscent of the scene in “Men in Black” when the alien comes to earth and puts on the body of that backwoods guy, only it’s clear to the wife that there’s something wrong with the way he looks and moves (such as water spouting out of his stomach when he drinks sugar water).  Is such a scenario really that implausible for Kaman?  And now he’s teamed up with Sam Cassell?  Come on, that can’t be a coincidence.  At least Kaman took on a disguise, I think Cassell just landed on earth, grabbed a can of brown spray paint, and put on some gym shorts.  It’s almost like he’s daring us to call him on it.

 While I think Lebron’s ads are fantastic, they fall short of some of the truly great sports commercials.  Instead of ranking the best sports ads (in part due to my aversion to the explosion of “The Best of …” television shows that feature smarmy people with titles like “comedian” and “writer”, similar to the waitress at Denny’s who insists on identifying herself as an “actress”), I’m just going to highlight some of them by sport – feel free to add your own.

 

Best Football Commercials

The clear-cut, best football commercial is the Coca-Cola ad with Mean Joe Greene.  I was only seven years old and still remember it.  As a second-grader, I couldn’t imagine anything better than a big, sweaty lineman wiping off his face and giving me his smelly towel.  “Thanks, Mean Joe!”

The second-best commercials are probably the “Bo Knows” ads (I could classify this under baseball as well, but I always thought of him as a football player who played baseball, not the other way around).  And that’s about it – unless you count Reebok’s Terry Tate, I can’t really think of any other memorable football advertisements.  So just to recap, the stars of the best football commercials in history are: (1) Mean Joe Greene, four-time Super Bowl Champ and Hall of Famer, (2) Bo Jackson, two-sport All-Star and one of the best pure athletes in history, and (3) Terry Tate, office linebacker.   

OK, I guess I ranked them, but I couldn’t help it because it makes me feel so smart and mighty.  After all, I’m a “writer” – I have the power to do these things.

Of the current commercials, Tom Brady and his linemen have done a pretty good job.  Comparatively, Peyton Manning’s ads where he acts like a fan to the grocery checker and other common folk are just awful.  Once again, the Patriots working together as a team trump Peyton’s individual achievements. (I know, cheap shot at Peyton when the Colts are having an amazing season.  By the way, are Colts fans’ throats tightening just a bit as they watch the Patriots pick up steam the last few weeks?  Corey Dillon and Richard Seymour are now healthy, and the Colts’ offensive line looked pretty shaky against the Chargers.  But I’m sure Indy has nothing to worry about, right?  Right?  As I’ve said before, the Colts wanted to be remembered and it’s still possible – just ask the 1986 Red Sox or 1990’s Buffalo Bills.  Not saying the Colts won’t win the Super Bowl, but if they don’t …)

Last week’s SI related that Brady insisted that his linemen be included in the commercial.  It’s a good story that tells a lot about Brady, but I’m tiring of the media constantly talking about how he’s such a wonderful person, he’s such a great leader, he’s the ultimate teammate, he’s just one of the guys, blah, blah, blah.  You hear it every game.  It’s catching up to the Brett Favre observation that every announcer is obligated to say at least a dozen times a game: “Is there a guy that has more fun playing football than Brett Favre?  Look at that guy, he just luvvs the game!”  Favre, as you know, cannot do wrong, even when he throws five interceptions in a loss to the Bengals, he “single-handedly kept them in the game” (I actually heard a football commentator say that). 

It would be unfortunate if Brady became the media’s next Favre because the public will inevitably turn against him.  It seems that Brady knows this so he tried to dispel the notion that he’s perfect by telling the media that he’s like every other single guy who surfs the Internet for porn.  But then the media loved him even more because he’s just a regular guy.  Seriously, Brady’s going to have to pull an Artest before the media sours on him.

 

Baseball Commercials

Like football, the number of good baseball commercials is pretty disappointing.  Why are there so few?   Personally, I think it’s too hard to catch the players in between their episodes of ‘Roid rage. 

One of my favorites is with Randy Johnson playing dodge ball.  He’s just unleashing fastballs and drilling guys in the face (fortunately, experiencing ‘Roid rage actually helped the Bit Unit film the commercial.  OK, I’m just kidding, I don’t think Johnson takes steroids, but I do think he’s probably good friends with Kaman and Cassell).     

One of the classic baseball commercials starred Bob Uecker saying: “I must be on the front row!”  At the time, people thought that was funny (including me), but somehow I don’t think it would be that humorous now.  It’s like when I see reruns of Diff’rent Strokes, and hearing uproarious laughter when Arnold says: “What you talking about, Willis?”  I used to laugh, too, but now I don’t know why (except for maybe the fact that I was nine years old).  I don’t know if it’s the loss of innocence, naiveté or what, but humor today is so much more mean spirited – like how some people think it’s funny to imply that someone is an alien or steroid user. 

Another classic consists of Heather Locklear blowing off Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux for Mark McGwire because “chicks dig the long ball.”  A great commercial then, it’s even funnier now because, um, well,   … OK, all I have are steroid jokes, let’s just move on.   

Actually, let’s not.  We’ll stop here for today as I’m starting to fatigue (and I’m sure you are, too).  Unfortunately, typing on my laptop is my most strenuous physical activity in my life now.  Tomorrow I’ll cover basketball, golf, NASCAR and women’s basketball (no, seriously, there was a good one). 

Last article: "Would you kiss another guy for $10,000?"

When I was in college, my roommates and I would play a game that asked the question: “For X amount of dollars, what would you be willing to do?”

            One of the most memorable discussions centered on the amount of $10,000.  My roommates (I was the lone dissenter) agreed that for that amount of money, they would be willing to kiss another guy for 10 seconds (no tongue, but kissing, not just pressing lips together).  It was a bit disconcerting to find out I was living with guys who could be so easily bought, but that was not the most alarming part of the discussion.  Upon further discussion, they unanimously agreed that if they had to choose among the roommates, they would select me as their kissing partner. 

            Needless to say, I did not sleep easy that night. 

            Looking back at those discussions, I’ve learned a couple of things.

1)    1)   If I ever get sent to prison, I am in serious trouble.  If I was such a clear cut choice in my apartment, I’ll likely be the belle of the ball at cellblock C.

2)     2)  People will do almost anything for the right amount of money.  There are limits, but it can be surprising how broad those limits can be.

Evidence of point #2 is everywhere (proof of point #1 is not nearly as abundant, but I’m not actively seeking for it, either).  Just look at some of the things that people are willing to do.  People eating pig intestines and sleeping with rats just for a chance to win money.  Tattooing advertisements on their bodies.  Marrying Roseanne Barr.

So let’s play the game – this time the question is: “What would you be willing to do for $3 million a year job?”

I did a quick web search on the worst jobs today.  Would you be an embalmer for $3 million a year?  How about inspecting manure?  Play quarterback behind the Houston Texans’ offensive line?

Ok, one last one.  Would you take steroids for $3 million a year? 

Think about it – is it easy to say no?  If given this decision, would you at least have to seriously consider it? 

Now think about 10 of your friends (I have five so I’ll just double them) – how many of them do you think would do it?  In other words, what percentage of the people you know would say yes?

This is the decision that many major leaguers have faced over the years.  In 2005, the average salary was slightly less than $3 million a year.  When there’s a discussion about steroids, it is natural to think of the superstars who are bashing home runs at record rates.  While Rafael Palmeiro was a big name who got caught, most of the players who failed the test this year are mediocre players fighting to stay in the league. 

Take a look at some of the names on the list: Carlos Almanzar, Michael Morse, Agustin Montero, Jorge Piedra, Jamal Strong.  Every time I heard of a new violator, my first thought was: “Who is that guy?”  My name could’ve easily been inserted in that list and most fans wouldn’t know the difference. 

And that’s one of the reasons they take steroids – they are anonymous players on the brink of oblivion.  Or they’re fighting their way out of anonymity into stardom.  Either way, the line for each is thin.  A major league fastball reaches the plate in 0.4 seconds, and 0.03 seconds is the difference between a hit and a strikeout.  Think about it  – hundredths of a second determine whether a player can be great or mediocre.  It shouldn’t be surprising that these guys try to get every advantage they can.

Hundredths of a second can be the difference of making millions playing a game or filling out TPS reports in a cubicle.  So for many, our hypothetical question is reality for them: “What are you willing to do for $3 million a year?” 

You can blame players for the steroids problem, and you may be right doing so.  But as I learned from my game in college, people will do the extreme for the right amount of money.  You may have done the same thing as these players, maybe not.  But I bet you know people that would.

The ironic part of this story is that crackdown on steroids wasn’t really sparked by a strong moral awakening on the part of the league or owners to clean up the game (they knew for years what was going on and only responded after the public outcry).  No, instead one of the key drivers to the whole movement (along with BALCO) that gets little credit was Jose Canseco’s book where he talked openly about steroids and named players.

And why did Canseco write the book?  For the money.  Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, and greed with greed.  People will do a lot of things for money, but we already knew that.

Many argue that Tony Dungy should chase after the perfect season because the Colts could do something that would be remembered for decades to come.  The problem is that they might be remembered for all the wrong reasons. 

The most common argument for pursuing the perfect season is that it is a rare chance to do something truly special.  Winning a Super Bowl is great, but, hey, it happens every year.   

But these people don’t address the most important issue – how much are you willing to risk for the perfect season?  Are you willing to reduce your chances of winning a championship by five percent?  10 percent?  15 percent?

Well, if you want a perfect season, you better be willing to risk a lot more than that (and Dungy seems the type that is willing to increase his risk by exactly zero percent).  The Colts have two indispensable players – Peyton Manning and Edgerrin James.  An injury to one of them, and the Colts will be remembered all right.  They’ll be remembered for throwing a championship away.  Let’s take a look at the odds of one of them sustaining an injury in the last three games.

This year, there were at least 21 quarterbacks that lost time due to game injuries (there may have been more, but I’m not going to do deep research unless I get paid).  That means a quarterback was injured roughly once out of every 20 games played, or has a 5% chance of getting hurt each game.  Using a simple probability formula, it means that Manning has a 14.3% chance of being injured if he plays the last three games.

For James, the scenario is much the same.  There were at least 24 primary ball carriers injured in games this year, translating to a 14.7% chance of James being hurt if he plays in the last three games. 

So that means there is a 27% chance that at least one of them will get hurt (2% that they both do).  If you’re Tony Dungy, are you willing to reduce your chances of winning a Super Bowl by almost 30 percent? 

It’s true that the Colts may have some regrets if they win the Super Bowl and realize they could have had an undefeated season.  But that would pale in comparison to the pain they would feel if they didn’t win a championship because of meaningless games they played in the regular season.

            Remember, this is the Colts – a team that hasn’t proven it can win a significant playoff game.  If the Patriots were in this situation, it might be worth going after to cement its place as one of the greatest dynasties in NFL history.  But Dungy should be increasing the chances of winning a first championship, not decreasing his chances. 

Things can change quickly in the NFL – one needs to look no further than the Philadelphia Eagles, or even the New England Patriots for that matter, as proof of that. 

Plus, who says you won’t be remembered as a great team if you don’t go undefeated?  The 1985 Chicago Bears are remembered as one of the all-time greats.  That was a team that was expected to dominate the rest of the ‘80’s, but that was the last championship they won.  Again, you don’t know how many opportunities you will have, so you have to seize them when they come along.

There are a lot of things worse than being NFL Champions and having a legacy similar to those Bears.  Of course, it would be even better to be mentioned along with the 1972 Miami Dolphins.  But if Dungy goes for it, the Colts could just as easily be grouped with the 1986 Boston Red Sox or the 1990’s Buffalo Bills.  Indeed, it is likely not a question if the Colts will be remembered, but how they will be remembered.