I wish …

… I could get inside Kobe’s head and find out the real reason he only took three shots in the second half o####ame 7.  I would look for that answer before I tried to find out what really happened in Colorado.

… we had better nicknames for pro athletes.  The only athletes with good nicknames are streetball players – “Future”, “Hot Sauce”, “Escalade”.  Can’t we have the announcers from the Rucker and AndOne Tour be roving P.A. announcers in every major sports arena until every top athlete is appropriately named?  Just a couple of decades ago, we used to have nicknames like Magic and Iceman. Now we have K.G. and T-Mac.  People just don’t have the same creativity any more.  Personally, I blame video games.   

… Jalen Rose would retire and become a full-time sideline reporter for TNT.  His interviews have been hysterical, not to mention the moment when Nick Van Exel threw towels on Jalen’s head.  Among all-time sideline reporting moments, it’s second only to Suzy Koelber and Joe Namath.  Also, Charles has already given Jalen a great nickname, “The Robot”.  Because that’s what he sounds like when he talks.    

… that the next time Greg Anthony is as visibly annoyed by Stephen A. Smith’s histrionics as he was on Saturday, he just kicks Stephen’s A. up and down 42nd Street.

… announcers would stop using the word “literally” – they obviously have no idea what it means.  The other day ESPN’s Mark Jackson (not the former player) said that Cuttino Mobley was “literally salivating about the opportunities he would have in this game.”  Just so everyone is clear, when Cuttino heard the game plan, his body immediately started producing large amounts of saliva.  Every time a broadcaster says something like that, it literally makes my ears bleed.

… that I was friends with Kenny and Charles.  I know it’s pathetic to for a grown man to wish he was friends with other grown men, but it’s the truth.  And it’s not because they’re famous, either, because I can honestly say I don’t wish I was friends with Tiger Woods or Tom Brady.  And it’s not because I don’t have any friends, either, because I do.  They’re just not as good as Kenny and Charles.

… ESPN would stop giving us updates every 30 minutes on Barry Bonds.  If he ties Babe Ruth, fine, tell us.  But you don’t need to break in to show us that Barry can’t catch up to a fastball of a pitcher who was in Double-A a year ago. 

… I knew why Bonds’ bat speed has slowed down so much.  Hahahahaha.

... someone would tell Nowitzki that when Tony Parker switches on to him, you go to the low block, not float around at the top of the key.  This is the NBA playoffs, not the European league.  

… the networks could hype up the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry a little more.  After all, it’s the best rivalry in sports.  And we’re already in May.  Seriously, it’s really interesting to all of us that aren’t Boston or New York fans. 

… I had the option of watching a “silent game”, as NBA TV did a month ago.  No announcers, just mics that captured the sound of the players and the crowd.  It was fannnntastic.  I’d use that for every game that Hubie Brown and Doug Collins weren’t broadcasting.

… that just once, both Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are healthy for an entire year.  Just once.

… the best of luck to everyone participating in NGS II.  I’m not doing it, but I hear it’s a lot of fun.

Lebron James has improved his game this season to the point that the projections of the next Michael Jordan might finally be coming to fruition.  Yes, the latest Nike commercials of “The Lebrons” are worthy of comparison to Jordan’s old commercials. 

I’ve always thought Lebron had tremendous potential but I was starting to lose hope after some awful Sprite commercials that included him pretending to crack his neck while he’s really squeezing a Sprite can (please tell me that one of Lebron’s high school buddies wrote that and not a real ad professional) and the annoying Thirst doll sidekick, which is a blatant rip-off of the classic Li’l Penny commercials.  If they would have faced off today, Li’l Penny would tear Thirst apart right up until the time he would inevitably blow out his knee.  

Lebron’s previous Nike and PowerAde ads haven’t been as terrible, but they haven’t been good, either.  But hope is alive as I absolutely love the “Lebrons” commercials, and I know I’m not alone.  Tony Kornheiser was giving glowing reviews to the ads.  He was also raving about Lebron’s dancing ability, which I thought was a little odd.  I mean we’re talking about one of the most gifted athletes in the world – should we really be surprised that he’s coordinated enough to break dance a little bit?  We’re not talking about Mark Madsen or Chris Kaman here.  By the way, it is absolutely terrifying to look at Kaman.  He’s not scary like Ray Lewis, but more like “my car broke down in the backwoods of Tennessee and now there’s a large, stringy-haired man dressed in a plaid shirt and jean overalls carrying a shotgun and he’s staring at me” scary. 

There’s just something about Kaman that doesn’t seem right.  It’s reminiscent of the scene in “Men in Black” when the alien comes to earth and puts on the body of that backwoods guy, only it’s clear to the wife that there’s something wrong with the way he looks and moves (such as water spouting out of his stomach when he drinks sugar water).  Is such a scenario really that implausible for Kaman?  And now he’s teamed up with Sam Cassell?  Come on, that can’t be a coincidence.  At least Kaman took on a disguise, I think Cassell just landed on earth, grabbed a can of brown spray paint, and put on some gym shorts.  It’s almost like he’s daring us to call him on it.

 While I think Lebron’s ads are fantastic, they fall short of some of the truly great sports commercials.  Instead of ranking the best sports ads (in part due to my aversion to the explosion of “The Best of …” television shows that feature smarmy people with titles like “comedian” and “writer”, similar to the waitress at Denny’s who insists on identifying herself as an “actress”), I’m just going to highlight some of them by sport – feel free to add your own.

Best Football Commercials

The clear-cut, best football commercial is the Coca-Cola ad with Mean Joe Greene.  I was only seven years old and still remember it.  As a second-grader, I couldn’t imagine anything better than a big, sweaty lineman wiping off his face and giving me his smelly towel.  “Thanks, Mean Joe!”

The second-best commercials are probably the “Bo Knows” ads (I could classify this under baseball as well, but I always thought of him as a football player who played baseball, not the other way around).  And that’s about it – unless you count Reebok’s Terry Tate, I can’t really think of any other memorable football advertisements.  So just to recap, the stars of the best football commercials in history are: (1) Mean Joe Greene, four-time Super Bowl Champ and Hall of Famer, (2) Bo Jackson, two-sport All-Star and one of the best pure athletes in history, and (3) Terry Tate, office linebacker.   

OK, I guess I ranked them, but I couldn’t help it because it makes me feel so smart and mighty.  After all, I’m a “writer” – I have the power to do these things.

Of the current commercials, Tom Brady and his linemen have done a pretty good job.  Comparatively, Peyton Manning’s ads where he acts like a fan to the grocery checker and other common folk are just awful.  Once again, the Patriots working together as a team trump Peyton’s individual achievements. (I know, cheap shot at Peyton when the Colts are having an amazing season.  By the way, are Colts fans’ throats tightening just a bit as they watch the Patriots pick up steam the last few weeks?  Corey Dillon and Richard Seymour are now healthy, and the Colts’ offensive line looked pretty shaky against the Chargers.  But I’m sure Indy has nothing to worry about, right?  Right?  As I’ve said before, the Colts wanted to be remembered and it’s still possible – just ask the 1986 Red Sox or 1990’s Buffalo Bills.  Not saying the Colts won’t win the Super Bowl, but if they don’t …)

Last week’s SI related that Brady insisted that his linemen be included in the commercial.  It’s a good story that tells a lot about Brady, but I’m tiring of the media constantly talking about how he’s such a wonderful person, he’s such a great leader, he’s the ultimate teammate, he’s just one of the guys, blah, blah, blah.  You hear it every game.  It’s catching up to the Brett Favre observation that every announcer is obligated to say at least a dozen times a game: “Is there a guy that has more fun playing football than Brett Favre?  Look at that guy, he just luvvs the game!”  Favre, as you know, cannot do wrong, even when he throws five interceptions in a loss to the Bengals, he “single-handedly kept them in the game” (I actually heard a football commentator say that). 

It would be unfortunate if Brady became the media’s next Favre because the public will inevitably turn against him.  It seems that Brady knows this so he tried to dispel the notion that he’s perfect by telling the media that he’s like every other single guy who surfs the Internet for porn.  But then the media loved him even more because he’s just a regular guy.  Seriously, Brady’s going to have to pull an Artest before the media sours on him.

Baseball Commercials

Like football, the number of good baseball commercials is pretty disappointing.  Why are there so few?   Personally, I think it’s too hard to catch the players in between their episodes of ‘Roid rage. 

One of my favorites is with Randy Johnson playing dodge ball.  He’s just unleashing fastballs and drilling guys in the face (fortunately, experiencing ‘Roid rage actually helped the Bit Unit film the commercial.  OK, I’m just kidding, I don’t think Johnson takes steroids, but I do think he’s probably good friends with Kaman and Cassell).     

One of the classic baseball commercials starred Bob Uecker saying: “I must be on the front row!”  At the time, people thought that was funny (including me), but somehow I don’t think it would be that humorous now.  It’s like when I see reruns of Diff’rent Strokes, and hearing uproarious laughter when Arnold says: “What you talking about, Willis?”  I used to laugh, too, but now I don’t know why (except for maybe the fact that I was nine years old).  I don’t know if it’s the loss of innocence, naiveté or what, but humor today is so much more mean spirited – like how some people think it’s funny to imply that someone is an alien or steroid user. 

Another classic consists of Heather Locklear blowing off Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux for Mark McGwire because “chicks dig the long ball.”  A great commercial then, it’s even funnier now because, um, well,   … OK, all I have are steroid jokes, let’s just move on.   

Actually, let’s not.  We’ll stop here for today as I’m starting to fatigue (and I’m sure you are, too).  Unfortunately, typing on my laptop is my most strenuous physical activity in my life now.  Tomorrow I’ll cover basketball, golf, NASCAR and women’s basketball (no, seriously, there was a good one). 

Last article: "Would you kiss another guy for $10,000?"

            One of the most memorable discussions centered on the amount of $10,000.  My roommates (I was the lone dissenter) agreed that for that amount of money, they would be willing to kiss another guy for 10 seconds (no tongue, but kissing, not just pressing lips together).  It was a bit disconcerting to find out I was living with guys who could be so easily bought, but that was not the most alarming part of the discussion.  Upon further discussion, they unanimously agreed that if they had to choose among the roommates, they would select me as their kissing partner. 

            Needless to say, I did not sleep easy that night. 

            Looking back at those discussions, I’ve learned a couple of things.

1)    1)   If I ever get sent to prison, I am in serious trouble.  If I was such a clear cut choice in my apartment, I’ll likely be the belle of the ball at cellblock C.

2)     2)  People will do almost anything for the right amount of money.  There are limits, but it can be surprising how broad those limits can be.

Evidence of point #2 is everywhere (proof of point #1 is not nearly as abundant, but I’m not actively seeking for it, either).  Just look at some of the things that people are willing to do.  People eating pig intestines and sleeping with rats just for a chance to win money.  Tattooing advertisements on their bodies.  Marrying Roseanne Barr.

So let’s play the game – this time the question is: “What would you be willing to do for $3 million a year job?”

I did a quick web search on the worst jobs today.  Would you be an embalmer for $3 million a year?  How about inspecting manure?  Play quarterback behind the Houston Texans’ offensive line?

Ok, one last one.  Would you take steroids for $3 million a year? 

Think about it – is it easy to say no?  If given this decision, would you at least have to seriously consider it? 

Now think about 10 of your friends (I have five so I’ll just double them) – how many of them do you think would do it?  In other words, what percentage of the people you know would say yes?

This is the decision that many major leaguers have faced over the years.  In 2005, the average salary was slightly less than $3 million a year.  When there’s a discussion about steroids, it is natural to think of the superstars who are bashing home runs at record rates.  While Rafael Palmeiro was a big name who got caught, most of the players who failed the test this year are mediocre players fighting to stay in the league. 

Take a look at some of the names on the list: Carlos Almanzar, Michael Morse, Agustin Montero, Jorge Piedra, Jamal Strong.  Every time I heard of a new violator, my first thought was: “Who is that guy?”  My name could’ve easily been inserted in that list and most fans wouldn’t know the difference. 

And that’s one of the reasons they take steroids – they are anonymous players on the brink of oblivion.  Or they’re fighting their way out of anonymity into stardom.  Either way, the line for each is thin.  A major league fastball reaches the plate in 0.4 seconds, and 0.03 seconds is the difference between a hit and a strikeout.  Think about it  – hundredths of a second determine whether a player can be great or mediocre.  It shouldn’t be surprising that these guys try to get every advantage they can.

Hundredths of a second can be the difference of making millions playing a game or filling out TPS reports in a cubicle.  So for many, our hypothetical question is reality for them: “What are you willing to do for $3 million a year?” 

You can blame players for the steroids problem, and you may be right doing so.  But as I learned from my game in college, people will do the extreme for the right amount of money.  You may have done the same thing as these players, maybe not.  But I bet you know people that would.

The ironic part of this story is that crackdown on steroids wasn’t really sparked by a strong moral awakening on the part of the league or owners to clean up the game (they knew for years what was going on and only responded after the public outcry).  No, instead one of the key drivers to the whole movement (along with BALCO) that gets little credit was Jose Canseco’s book where he talked openly about steroids and named players.

And why did Canseco write the book?  For the money.  Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, and greed with greed.  People will do a lot of things for money, but we already knew that.