I’ve always loved the Super Bowl, but there are definitely some ways to make it better.  If I could, these are first three things that I would change.    

Designate Las Vegas as the Permanent Super Bowl Site 

I’ve had many in-depth discussions about this, and, honestly, I’m still a little torn.  There is a spiteful part of me that loves that the Super Bowl is in Detroit.  Heck, I kind of wish it rotated between Detroit, Green Bay, and Duluth just so I knew I wasn’t missing anything by not being there. 

In the end, however, I’ve decided that the Super Bowl needs to be in Las Vegas every year – ultimately, it just makes too much sense. 

First of all, more than anything, the Super Bowl is a two-week party.  Obviously, there is no other city better equipped for a bash that lasts half a month.  People would go to Las Vegas just to be part of the festivities, even if they couldn’t get into the game.  When was the last time you heard of someone going to Detroit just to party?

Second, the players’ ability to handle Vegas becomes a story in its own right.  It is probably the only storyline that could hold fans’ attention for two weeks.  The drama that could potentially unfold each day would be mesmerizing.  In addition to a daily injury report, they would need to create a Las Vegas report: Owens – jailed for solicitation; Lewis – missing, last seen at Cheetah’s. 

Then factor in the potential effects of all the wild parties – inebriated players showing up to interview day; rampant dehydration during the game; the first time a player misses the Super Bowl because he simply couldn’t get out of bed – the possibilities are endless.

For example, think about the 1985 Chicago Bears, a team that everyone knew would crush the Patriots.  Now imagine if they had to spend two weeks in Vegas – it would have changed the entire complexion of that game.  How do you handicap that game when you know Jim McMahon is going to get a total of 13 hours of sleep in the final week? 

Of course, none of the above scenarios would apply to today’s Patriots since Belichick would just fly his players back to Utah every night.

The third reason to hold the Super Bowl in Vegas is because everyone in the stadium would have money on the game.  You know how much fun it is to be in the sports book with a couple hundred people on an NFL weekend?  Imagine being with 70,000 people who are betting the over/under.  You could have a 28-7 blowout in the 4th quarter and every fan would still be at the edge of his seat to see if his $100 on the 42.5 over was going to pay off.  The atmosphere would be absolutely electric. 

Lastly, on the night after the game, you have roughly 50 NFL players who have just won the Super Bowl and another 50 who just experienced the greatest disappointment in their lives.  And they are all in Vegas.  We could reach unprecedented levels of mayhem.  The report of this night would easily be the most anticipated story coming out of Super Bowl weekend.

I know what some people are going to say about this idea.  The NFL will never go for it.  The networks and sponsors will never go for it.  Even the Vegas casinos might not go for it (do you want your rooms filled with high rollers or the sports writer for the Cleveland Plain Dealer?).  But you know something, if they don’t like it, they can get their own blog.  Because around here, we’re going to Vegas, baby, Vegas. 

 

Allot More Tickets to the Real Fans

            One of the great sights of this year’s Rose Bowl was seeing half of the stadium dressed in Texas Burnt Orange and the other half in USC Cardinal and Gold.  But at the Super Bowl, the stands won’t be brimming with Steelers’ Black and Gold on one side and Seahawks’ aqua-blue puke color on the other.  

That’s because each team is allotted only 17.5 percent of the Super Bowl tickets, or a little less than 11,500 passes.  After all the mothers of the players’ children are given their tickets, there’s only around 8,500 seats left for the fans. 

The rest of the tickets are divvied up among other teams in the league and the NFL.  Most of these tickets are used for corporate sponsors and Mike Tice’s retirement fund.

Last year, USA Today reported that the median income for those who attended the Super Bowl was $125,000. So if you are looking for another reason to hate rich people, here it is – they’re at the Super Bowl and you aren’t.  (Of course, I probably shouldn’t encourage people to hate anyone, but the Internet is a place to rail against things that you find unjust, like rich people or Keanu Reeves’ career.  I also think it’s OK since rich people have their own place to degrade poor people – it’s called a country club.)

I realize that most people at the game are probably football fans.  But few of them have strong loyalties to either team – most are just rooting to see a good game.  While there’s nothing wrong with that (I would be the same way), it doesn’t lend itself to a particularly electric atmosphere.

It’s a little like when the NBA plays an exhibition game in Japan.  All the fans are excited and they’re cheering every play, but they couldn’t care less who wins the game.  It may be a fun atmosphere, but it doesn’t have the same intensity of a home crowd rooting on their team. 

            Obviously, there will always be a substantial number of corporate tickets, but it seems like the NFL should be able to release a few more thousand tickets to the diehard fans.  There are grown adults who paint their faces and bodies to show support for their team – just throw them another bone.  While I don’t understand them and, quite frankly, find them a little frightening, these people deserve to be at the game more than another suit. 

 

Musicians Who are Eligible for Social Security Cannot Perform at Halftime

            During the furor that immediately followed Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, I remember thinking that the controversy would soon pass and it would become nothing more than a funny Super Bowl memory.  Of course, as usual, I was dead wrong. 

            One of my friends has called it the worst non-terrorism event in this country over the last 15 years.  He has three reasons: (1) It ruined any fantasies that he had about Janet Jackson, (2) It set off a chain of events that led to Howard Stern leaving free radio and (3) On a subconscious level, he is now disappointed any time he turns on the TV and doesn’t see nudity.

            You may or may not agree with him on those points.  But I will give you one more reason that he may be right: Halftime entertainment is becoming an absolute abomination. 

            As a result of Janet and Justin’s fiasco, one of last year’s requirements apparently was a musician who was not only uncontroversial, but also had the ability to suck the life out of a stadium full of people.  I present to you Paul McCartney. 

Don’t get me wrong, McCartney is an incredible musician able to put on amazing shows, during the Nixon administration.  I would say more about McCartney’s performance but I can’t – I feel too guilty knowing that I am ridiculing someone’s great-grandfather.  It would be no different than if I went to the local retirement center and teased the residents for having false teeth and artificial hips.

I was willing to give the NFL a pass since it was only a year after the Janet Jackson incident.  But now it’s time to move on – unfortunately, it’s clear that the NFL still hasn’t.

That’s why this year the Rolling Stones are performing at halftime.  I’m not exactly sure which target audience the NFL is trying to reach, but I’m pretty sure that most of them are dead.

Honestly, it’s a little sad to see how the Rolling Stones have sold out.  These guys were groundbreaking, rule breaking, and generally awesome in their heyday.  But now?  Well, now they’re sticking it to the man through multi-million dollar corporate sponsorships and $250 concert tickets.

I realize I run the risk of offending people who are Rolling Stones’ fans, so I just want to say two things to those people.  First, it isn’t that the Rolling Stones are a bad band – they’re one of the all-time greats.  They’re just not right for the Super Bowl, that’s all.  Second, who printed this story out for you?  Because I know you don’t know how to turn on the computer by yourself.

            To be completely honest, Super Bowl halftime shows have never been extremely entertaining.  There have been a few exceptions, such as U2’s performance.  I also enjoyed the years when the league copied the MTV Music Awards’ idea of pairing odd couples during presentations, like Mandy Moore and Marilyn Manson (undoubtedly one of the three most frightening experiences of Mandy’s young life, but if I’m honest, it would be in my top three, too). 

The only difference is that the NFL made the musicians actually perform together, which was a genius.  My favorite was Shania Twain, No Doubt and Sting.  The music wasn’t that great, but it was bizarre, which is a pretty good substitute for real entertainment.  

            I miss those days.  Again, halftime shows were never first-rate, but they were at least tolerable.  That’s all I’m looking for – a return to mediocrity.  Honestly, it would be a major step up.