1. Kyle Busch: Busch led 415 of 500 laps in Bristol, but, continuing a recent trend of lap leaders who have failed to cash in for victory, was passed on lap 470 by Carl Edwards. Edwards muscled the #18 of Busch from the lead, and led the rest of the way for victory. Afterwards, on the cool-down lap, Busch bumped Edwards, who in turn spun Busch.

"First of all, I’ve got to apologize for referring to Edwards as ‘Mr. Ed-like,’" says Busch. "That statement was way out of line. Mr. Ed would never race me like that. If you think I would make a pass like Edwards' if I was trailing Mr. Ed, the answer's 'nay.' When Mr. Ed makes a pass, it's always clean. After all, he is a 'draft' horse."

"If Carl wants to start a rivalry, then so be it. That’s what this sport needs. This is NASCAR. I don’t care what England Dan and John Ford Coley say, ‘Love’ is not the answer. It’s ‘hate.’ Hate is the answer. I hate Carl. Carl hates me. And Earnhardt fans hate Carl and me. Carl may have had the last word, but I’m buying three vowels: ‘I, O, U.’ That’s right, Cousin Carl. ‘I owe you.’ You can ‘Rage Against The 18’ all you want. That’s cool. I love that band, anyway. I’ll see you in California, where you’ll be ‘feeling Minnesota.’"

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards made it two wins in a row, leaving Kyle Busch in second again, with a come-from-behind win in the Sharpie 500. Edwards stalked Busch for much of the race, taking the lead for good on lap 470 by bumping Busch out of the way in typical Bristol fashion. The win was Edwards' sixth of the year, and clinched his place in the Chase.

"Flippin’ A,’" says Edwards. "That’s how you pass at Bristol, especially when you’re behind a hardheaded Busch kid who wants to keep you at bay at all costs. He wasn't going to let me go by any other way. Busch had been marking his territory for 415 laps; it was time for me to mark mine. And the nerve of J.D. Gibbs saying to me 'You reap what you sow.' Who is he to tell me that? I’m not a farmer. Heck, Gibbs Racing has more cheats than a Play Station magazine.Their reaping all right---suspensions and fines."

"And speaking of 'marking one's territory,' I think R&B pervert/chronic urinator R.Kelly described my feelings best when he said, 'I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.' I'm elated with the outcome. I'm like a kid in a candy store, as long as I'm in front of the kid in the candy car."

3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson fell out of contention early, making contact with the car of Sterling Marlin and sliding into the wall on lap 26. After lengthy repairs, Johnson returned to the track in 43rd position, seven laps down, and eventually finished 33rd, 18 laps down.

"I know it looks like Busch and Edwards are making the Cup battle a two-man race," says Johnson. "But don’t you forget about me, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oooooh, ohhh. I’m the two-time defending Cup champion, so only those with simple minds would underestimate my ability to win the title. I'm formally announcing my intentions to crash the Busch-Edwards party. Shhhh. Don’t tell them, though. They might not be too amused to find themselves tangled in my little ‘ménage à trois.’"

4. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished eighth in Bristol, his 12th top-10 finish of the year, and held on to sixth in the point standings, a safe 190 ahead of 13th.

"Hey, I don’t mind losing a race to Carl Edwards," says Stewart. "But losing my gig as spokeman for Subway to Edwards—that really irks me. I did everything those Subway people wanted me to, except eat their food, keep my weight down, and refrain from using magnets for anything but noble purposes. And I don't know where Subway got off ordering me to stop wearing what they called the 'fat suit.' They didn't realize that was my Home Depot racing suit. Who cares if Edwards can do 300 push-ups. Heck, I can eat 300 Push-Ups."

"Now, if you really want insight into the life of Tony Stewart, check out the current issue of Rolling Stone, not to be confused with the piece on Aaron Fike in Rolling Stoned. Fike chases dragons, I chase ‘tail.’ For those of you who think I’m a fat, out-of-shape, womanizing, bad-mannered race car driver, then you need to read this article. It will confirm all of those things."

5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon started third in Bristol and was a fixture in the top 5 all night, but didn’t have the car to keep up with Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards, who collectively led all but one lap. That one stray lap was led by Gordon, on lap 48. It was Gordon's 11th top-10 finish of the year, a far cry from the 30 he logged last year.

"I’m not one to dwell on the past," says Gordon. "But boy, do I long for the days of Ray Evernham, a cheesy mustache, fan hatred, a failing marriage, and contention for wins. That was a recipe for success. Apparently, Steve Letarte has never read a cookbook."

6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Just moments after the checkered flag flew, Earnhardt was penalized for jumping the start and passing cars before he crossed the start/finish line. He paid with a drive-through penalty, from which he never recovered, and finished 18th. Earnhardt advanced one spot in the points to third, 416 out of first.

"On the contrary," says Earnhardt. "I wasn’t trying to get a jump on the field. Tony Eury, Jr. had called me in to pit for a quick gas-and-go stop so we would have a early fuel advantage on everyone. The penalty is no big deal. I’ve had my share of drive-through penalties this year. In fact, any

time Tony calls me in to pit, it’s pretty much a ‘drive-through penalty.’"

7. Matt Kenseth: After qualifying 25th, Kenseth faced an uphill battle to achieve a satisfactory result in Bristol. But he and the #17 DeWalt crew were up to the task, using timely adjustments and quick pit stops to crack the top 10 with a finish of ninth. Kenseth held on to the 10th position in the Sprint Cup point standings, with a 78 point edge on teammate David Ragan in 13th.

"It sure does get crowded in the Roush Fenway garage," says Kenseth. "Especially when Carl Edwards smiles. But the last thing Kyle Busch wants to do is make Mr. Ed, I mean Carl Edwards, angry. He wouldn't like Carl when he's angry. When Carl gets angry, he’s a threat to kick, I mean punch, you. But, on the positive side, Carl brings an unbridled enthusiasm to this sport, and if he doesn’t win the Cup title this year, he will reign soon enough. He’s been saddled with high expectations for quite some time. The truth is, he’s a thoroughbred in this sport."

8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick recorded his fourth consecutive top-10 finish, and second top 5 at Bristol this year, with a fourth in the Sharpie 500. Fighting a loose car early, Harvick and crew made the proper adjustments, and avoided any and all contact with Juan Montoya to score their tenth top 10 of the year.

"Changes are in the air at Richard Childress Racing," says Harvick. "Casey Mears is joining the team and will take over the #07 Jack Daniels ride, and Clint Bowyer will move to the #33 car, sponsored by Cheerios and Hamburger Helper. Clint's not too happy about that. He’s losing one of the most recognizable paint schemes and sponsor brands in the business. Sadly, he’s going from ‘Old’ No. 7 at the liquor store to ‘aisle’ number 7 at the grocery store."

"And changes are forthcoming in the NASCAR race schedule. I’m really excited about the night race in Atlanta. Let’s just hope, for safety’s sake, that the Russians are out of Georgia by next year."

9. Greg Biffle: Biffle finished a consistent yet quiet 11th in the Sharpie 500, one of five Roush Fenway cars in the top 12. He holds on to seventh in the points, 141 ahead of teammate David Ragan in 13th.

"Quiet and without fanfare is how I roll," says Biffle. "Was my name even mentioned on ESPN's broadcast? Whatever. As you may or may not know, I’m from Vancouver, Washington, in the Great Northwest, and home to Bigfoot, who, by the way, has been seen on video way more than myself."

10. (tie) Jeff Burton: Burton’s hopes of duplicating his spring Bristol victory were crushed when an accident on lap 195 knocked him out of the race. Burton had checked up to avoid the car of Sterling Marlin, sent spinning after contact with Tony Stewart, but was nailed from behind by Joe Nemechek. Burton finished 42nd, but remained fifth in the points.

"It wasn’t the ‘Harper Valley PTA,’" says Burton. "Instead, it was a ‘Thunder Valley DNF.’ But that’s life. C’est la vie. Pardon my French. That’s about as close as I’ll come to uttering a curse word. I’ve read the Tony Stewart story in Rolling Stone, and I was appalled. Not at Tony’s rated R lifestyle, but at all the things I’ve been missing in my G-rated career."

10. (tie) Denny Hamlin: A week after saying he "didn’t deserve to be in the Chase," Hamlin finished a strong third in Bristol to boost his Chase standing. Hamlin moved up one spot in the points to 11th, 57 ahead of David Ragan in 13th.

"You've got to love the teamwork shown when 160,000 fans in Bristol set a world record for the wave," says Hamlin. "It's amazing that 160,000 people can do one thing like that in unison. Not once, but twice. Later in the race, when I was holding up Kyle Busch's attempt to catch Carl Edwards, you could hear 160,000 people yelling at once, 'Let Busch pass, you ####!' Make that 160,001 people. Joe Gibbs was saying the same thing. I guess they've got a point. Earlier in the year, at Richmond, I parked my car on the track in a ploy that allowed Kyle Busch to catch the leader in a race Busch almost won."

* In a sensual opening teaser for Monday Night Football's September 15th telecast of the Eagles/Cowboys game, Terrell Owens is met in the locker room by Miley Cyrus, clad only in a towel. As censors scramble and the bounds of good taste teeter, Cyrus does not drop towel, and instead hands T.O. a mouse ears hat, and the two are joined by the Jonas Brothers for a rousing edition of "Are You Ready For Some Football," the sound of which causes Hank Williams, Jr. to fall off a mountain.

* Former Bronco Javon Walker scores his first touchdown as a Raider on an 88-yard touchdown pass from JaMarcus Russell as Oakland hosts Denver in the second game of the season's opening Monday night doubleheader. An excited Walker, thrilled to score against his old team, leaps into the end zone stands of McAfee Coliseum, where he is subsequently beaten and robbed by crazed Raiders fans populating the Black Hole.

* New Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano makes an immediate impact in Miami, leading the Dolphins to a 2-0 start, and seizing control of the garbage-collection business in the city from the Cuban mafia. Things begin to unravel for Sparano and the Dolphins in Week 3, when the 'Fins are shellacked 31-14 by the Patriots in Foxboro, while back in Miami, a family of ducks vacates Sparano's backyard swimming pool.

* Panthers receiver Steve Smith, after serving his two-game suspension for punching teammate Ken Lucas, returns with a big game in Week 3 as the Panthers defeat the Buccaneers in Tampa 26-20. Smith has 8 catches for 121 yards and 2 touchdowns, and after the game grants rotund FOX sideline reporter Tony Siragussa an interview. In a startling miscommunication, Smith mistakes Siragussa's statement of "You look like Nelly," and instead hears "Get in my belly." The volatile Smith then grants Siragussa an ####-whipping, and the two tussle on the sidelines before being separated by FOX play-by-play man Joe Buck, who labels the incident as "disgusting."

* After tirelessly pleading his case to Chicago head coach Lovie Smith, Rex Grossman is named starter — of the Chicago Marathon on October 12th. When a race official hands the official starter's pistol to Grossman, the Bear quarterback fumbles the handoff, and the pistol fires prematurely, resulting in the trampling injuries of several skeletal Kenyan and Ethiopian runners. With all of the favorites to win out of the race due to injury, former Bear running back Cedric Benson, training for a comeback, leads the race at the midway point. But, near the 20-mile mark, Benson begins to run erratically, and is stopped by police for questioning. Benson becomes belligerent and is arrested, given a sobriety test, and charged with "Marathoning While Impaired."

* With the battle for the starting quarterback position neck-and-neck between Alex Smith, Sean Hill, and J.T. O'Sullivan, San Francisco head coach Mike Nolan faces a quandary in choosing a starter before the 49ers' opener on September 7th. So he does the only logical thing: he leaves the final decision in the hands of American Idol judges Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Randy Jackson. Cowell assesses Smith as "dreadful, just awful," while Jackson agrees, dawg. A spaced-out Abdul mumbles the words "unicorn," "razor," "blue," and the letter "X," incoherent mumbo-jumbo when uttered by Abdul, but, when yelled by Peyton Manning at the line of scrimmage, results in an audible from a Reggie Wayne wide receiver screen to a Joseph Addai stretch play.

Eventually, Smith gets the judges' approval and is named starter but, in another example of his bad quarterbacking decisions, takes a flight to Hollywood instead of Glendale, Arizona for the 49ers' opener against the Cardinals.

* A remorseful Brandon Marshall of the Broncos tries to explain his recent troubles with the law in an in-depth interview with a local television sports anchor. Marshall plays the role of victim, claiming his actions were the result of a condition known as "Jungle Fever," named for an outbreak in Cincinnati in which sufferers are afflicted with an uncontrollable desire to commit crimes and play football. Marshall graciously accepts the three-game suspension dealt by commissioner Roger Goodell, and Marshall vows to remain trouble-free, which becomes a short-lived promise after Marshall is busted trying to join the "mile high club" with a team secretary underneath the Bronco statue at Invesco Field.

* In an effort to impress his new Jets teammates with a display of his toughness, and to show the Buccaneers what they're missing, Brett Favre bare-handedly rips his spleen from his gut, cooks it over an open flame, and prepares a delicious paste, suitable for dipping, that he calls "paté du 'Favre' gras," which goes well with injured pride.

Favre's new Jets No. 4 jersey easily becomes the NFL's No. 1 selling jersey, and quickly becomes a favorite in rap circles, especially among rappers like Jay-Z, Nas, and others who have claimed to have retired only to return to the game.

Meanwhile, back in Green Bay, the "Brett Favre 'Flip-Flop' Sandals" are a top-seller.

* Minnesota's Jared Allen adds a pass-rushing presence to Minnesota's already formidable run-stuffing defense, and leads the NFL with 14½ sacks, rendering opposing quarterbacks as helpless as a defenseless elk on a game preserve facing the hot lead of a 30.06 rifle. The Vikes lead the league in most defensive categories, and go 5-1 in the NFC North, winning the division with an 11-5 record. After a first-round bye, the Vikes lose at home to Philadelphia in the divisional round.

* With a healthy Jake Delhomme and a revitalized Julius Peppers, excitement runs high in Charlotte for a stellar season by the Carolina Panthers. But that excitement doesn't remotely compare to the buzz generated by reports of the Carolina cheerleaders 'Google-ing' themselves, and each other, on various laptops.

* In the second major player scandal to hit Atlanta in two years, running back Michael Turner is indicted for his involvement in a moonshine smuggling operation fronted by distant relatives residing in the Tidewater region of Virginia. Turner is implicated when he is filmed by federal agents selling white lightning to Marcus Vick, who in turn passes it to some underage schoolgirls. "Turner and Hooch" reads the headline in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, as Turner is pictured handcuffed in an orange jumpsuit.

* Saints running back Reggie Busch and girlfriend Kim Kardashian elope in Las Vegas in late August. The couple spend their wedding night in the Parlor Suite of the Wynn Las Vegas, and their marital escapades are surreptitiously filmed by former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, who posts the explicit video on the Internet under the title "Keeping it Up With the Kardashian."

Upon seeing the video and impressed by Kardashian's ability to change direction and low center of gravity, ESPN fantasy football maestro Matthew Berry, the "Talented Mr. Roto," bumps Kardashian up to No. 15 on his list of top fantasy running backs, two spots ahead of Bush.

* Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna, buoyed by lame duck general manager Matt Millen's presence with the organization, vows that he is "fairly certain" and "moderately sure" that he will guarantee that the Lions will win ten games. Of his guarantee, Kitna is "cautiously optimistic" that it will "somewhat reach fruition."

* Titans quarterback Vince Young inches closer to his degree in Applied Learning and Development/Youth and Community Studies (fancy college talk for a degree that qualifies one to become a physical education teacher) from the University of Texas with a C-minus in psychology. Young celebrates with adoring Austin coeds in a local bar, where Young goes shirtless, revealing two impressive pectorals, a rippled six-pack, and a score of three on a retake of the Wonderlic test.

Young leads the Titans to a disappointing 8-8 record, then edges kicker Rob Bironas for the team MVP award.

* Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin releases his new book, "Two-Point Conversion Charts For Dummies," which he dedicates to himself.

* Dallas cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones succeeds in efforts to drop the "Pacman" nickname from his name, fearing the nickname referenced his many troubles with the law in the last three to four years. Then, in October, Jones is involved in a minor dustup in which he showers one dollar bills down upon the wait staff at an Arlington, Texas, Waffle House, then tries to reclaim them, leading to a nasty brawl in which Jones is beaten, smothered, covered, chunked, and diced by several waitresses. Jones is charged with disturbing the peace and disorderly conduct, both violations of his parole, and is sent to jail for a little over a year, leading Cowboy teammate Marion Barber to coin the new nickname Adam "12-to-15" Jones.

* Recently diagnosed with diabetes, Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler learns to monitor the condition, harnessing untapped potential that leads to a breakout year on the field as well as off. Cutler throws for 4,105 yards and 26 touchdowns, and upgrades his status to become a major player in the field of romance, overtaking Matt Leinart as the league's premier playboy, while making the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" his unofficial theme song.

* In the midst of a training camp battle for the Cardinals starting quarterback spot, Matt Leinart is photographed cavorting in a hot tub with eight tan line-free hotties, as well as their mothers, at a party in Las Vegas. The pictures are splashed all over the Internet at the gossip web site TMZ.com, and a publicity storm ensues. Leinart's competition for the job, veteran Kurt Warner, feels that this publicity gives Leinart an unfair advantage in the quarterback race, so he files an injunction to have the pics removed from the web site. Lawyers are called in, deliberations take place, and a settlement is reached. The Leinart pictures remain, but TMZ is forced to display a picture of Warner showering at home alone.

* After Week 11, Cleveland's Braylon Edwards leads the NFL with 1,081 receiving yards and 9 touchdown catches, a level of success he partially credits to a brutal offseason physical and mental workout regimen with teammate and friend Kellen Winslow. But Edwards' season takes a turn for the worse when, after a no-catch game against the Bills under the Monday night lights on November 17th, Edwards snaps at reporters, thus beginning a pattern of odd behavior that sees him wearing fatigues and recklessly driving a racing motorcycle while seething with an intense hostility for Joey Porter.

 

1. Kyle Busch: Busch passed Jeff Gordon with four laps to go, then went door-to-door with Carl Edwards on the final lap as a huge wreck brought out a caution and an official video review of the finish. Replays verified that Busch was ahead as the caution came out, and Busch celebrated his sixth win of the year, and second restrictor-plate win of the year. The win was especially satisfying for Japanese manurfacturer Toyota, as the Japanese had been particularly devastated by Takeru Kobayashi’s heartbreaking loss in the Nathan’s Fourth Of July Hot Dog-Eating Contest.

"You think there was a wild finish at Daytona?" says Busch. "You should have seen the climax at Coney Island, where the contest went to a five hot dog eat-off between Kobayashi and his gluttonous American rival Joey Chestnut. A 'green-white-checkered' finish doesn't pack anywhere near the drama of a 'five hot dog eat-off.' I defy anyone to find anything more dramatic than a 'five hot dog eat-off.' Sure, the men's final at Wimbledon may have been the greatest tennis match in history, but it lacked one thing: Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal frantically shoveling five franks apiece into their gizzards, while some glorified carnival barker in a straw hat calls the action. Now that’s entertainment!"

"This win at Daytona was really special for me. It's my first Daytona Cup win, and I think I'm really starting to win over the fans. I distinctly heard much less booing from the stands after this win. Sadly though, it’s not because I’m becoming more popular; there’s just fewer fans in the seats. I'll take fans anywhere I can get them, even if they're empty seats."

 

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt, piloting the #88 Hendrich National Guard/Amp Energy Chevrolet sporting a special camouflage paint scheme, led the most laps at Daytona, but was shuffled from the draft late when Jeff Gordon passed him for the lead. Earnhardt regrouped to finish eighth, and moved up a spot in the point standings to second, 182 behind Kyle Busch.

"Yep, I got ‘shuffled from the draft,’" says Earnhardt. "'Shafted’ for short. I was well hung...out to dry. But how about the all-DEI front row to start the race? Wasn't that special? And Martin Truex, Jr. could have made it a 1-2-3 DEI start, but he had to go to a backup car after failing inspection with a roof height infraction. The team says it was an unintentional, but I beg to differ. Teresa Earnhardt is known for her ruthless aggression, as well as her 'roof-less aggression.' And what’s with this ‘For Sale’ sign in front of DEI? I hear buyers can purchase the organization without Teresa, or with her, known as the ‘fully loaded’ package. I understand that fully loaded package is ‘totally ####in.’"

"But I really wanted this win, for myself, and for the troops honored by our special paint scheme. The camouflage design was a huge hit. And it's obvious the deceptive powers of camouflage really work. Just take a look at our merchandise sales. We disguised the same old #### in a new wrapper, and people bought just ate it up. Hey, what fans doesn’t want a different Dale, Jr. t-shirt for every day of the week? For that kind of blind loyalty shown by the people of Junior Nation, we're going to honor them with their own paint scheme. The #88 Chevrolet will sport a paint job featuring the images of multiple tattoos on a background paint color known as 'Tanning Booth Bronze.'"

 

3. Carl Edwards: Edwards came up inches short in his bid for victory in the Coke Zero 400, his assault on Kyle Busch’s lead cut short by a caution that flew as the two battled for the lead. Busch had the lead when the caution came out and was declared the winner after a video review. Edwards disappointingly settled for the runner-up position, which, along with Matt Kenseth’s third and David Ragan’s fifth, gave Roush Fenway three cars in the top 5.

"I really think I could have passed Busch had we been able to complete that final lap," says Edwards. "I don't dispute Busch's talent, but it sure seems that everything always falls perfectly into place for him. You know, like it does for Danny Ocean and his all-star crew anytime they scheme to pilfer millions of dollars right from under the noses of some of the dumbest casino security teams ever."

"I was very impressed by the efforts of Matt and David. Matt really helped me their at the end, and David's been very strong at Daytona. He's making a name for himself in that #6 car. For so long, people have associated that #6 with Mark Martin and Viagra sponsorship. Well, David's fanatically adamant that people realize he's the driver, and AAA is the sponsor. For Christ's sake, whatever you do, don't ask him 'What's up?'"

 

4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon’s tactical error, choosing the high line to counter Kyle Busch’s dive low for the lead on lap 156, may have cost him the win in the Coke Zero 400. Busch took the lead after Gordon had led the previous 21 laps and held on for the win, and Gordon errantly tried to block Carl Edwards on the final restart, sending Gordon sliding into the grass. Gordon fell from second was credited with a 30th-place finish.

"Our car definitely had the speed to win this race," says Gordon. "It had more top-end than the 'Hee Haw All Jug Band.' The #24 DuPont was quick from zero to 60, and even faster from 2 to 30. I'm really upset with myself. Not necessarily for blowing my chance to win the race, but for ruining my opportunity to drink a victory Pepsi as the winner of the Coke Zero 400. That would have made NASCAR squirm. Viewers heard the word 'Coke' uttered so often, they probably thought they were watching an episode of 'Miami Vice.'"

 

5. Matt Kenseth: With a mad scramble going haywire behind him, Kenseth was running third on the final lap at Daytona, his front bumper glued to the rear of teammate Carl Edwards’ #99, who was attempting to pass Kyle Busch for the lead. Edwards couldn’t quite make the pass, and Busch gained his first Daytona Cup win while Kenseth celebrated his best-ever finish at Daytona. Kenseth has top-10 finishes in all but one of the last eight races, and moved up four spots to ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings.

"It really behooves me to hear several NASCAR analysts and announcers proclaim me the hottest driver in NASCAR," says Kenseth. "Although it saddens me to know that they're all men, and they're referring to my driving."

"Anyway, someone has to step up and do something to slow down Kyle Busch before he runs away with the Cup. And, since no drivers seem to want to take the initiative, I say NASCAR should throw the equivalent of a debris caution and dock Busch about 300 points. Really, for no other reason than to bunch the field. I mean, isn’t that what ‘debris cautions’ are for? Busch has probably done nothing wrong, but since when does NASCAR actually need debris for a debris caution?"

 

6. Jeff Burton: Two on-track incidents, combined with a pit lane penalty, were too much for Burton to overcome and keep his string of top-15 finishes intact. The Richard Childress driver finished his night at Daytona in 37th after a pile-up with 20 laps to go left him with a broken radiator and oil pump, and Burton dropped a spot in the points to third, now 182 out of first.

"Damaged goods may be appealing to Alex Rodriguez, but not to me," says Burton. "Restrictor plate racing is not RCR's strong suit. We’ve got to get better at these big tracks. Management has kind of been dragging their feet on our restrictor plate program. Not long ago, I asked Richard Childress if he could get us some time in the wind tunnel. The next thing I know, I see him on the television talking to Dave Despain."

 

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson ran consistently in the top 10 for most of the night at Daytona, but a flat tire less than 30 laps from the end doomed his victory aspirations. Then, on lap 157, the #48 Chevy was spun when Dave Blaney’s car was hit from behind and into Johnson. Damage was minimal, and Johnson was able to salvage a 23rd-place finish, and remained at the #5 spot in the points.

 

"Sometimes, things are just beyond your control," says Johnson. "At least that’s what Chad Knaus says when our car heads to the inspection line. I just want Martin Truex, Jr. to know that I feel his pain. A failed inspection will only cost you some points and some cash, and earn you lingering su####ion as a cheater. It looks like NASCAR’s coming down pretty hard on Truex, docking him 150 points. I don’t know what that team did to the roof of their car, but NASCAR didn’t like it. It reminds me of the time Chad installed a mirror on the ceiling of the #48. I don’t know what kind of competitive advantage it gave us, but the ladies sure loved it."

"But the severity of that penalty leads me to believe that NASCAR found something just a bit more incriminating in that car, like Roger Clemen’s DNA, or Amy Winehouse’s video collection. It will take time for Truex and team to regain their integrity. And ‘integrity’ is exactly what Mark Martin will bring to Hendrick Motorsports. Despite his diminutive stature, Mark is a giant in this sport. He represents 27 years of NASCAR experience, and represents all that is good with the sport. Even better, he represents the Lollipop Guild."

 

8. Kasey Kahne: After starting 41st, Kahne patiently carved his way to the front and survived fender damage suffered on a lap 143 restart to place his #9 Dodge in the top 10 with a seventh-place result, rebounding well from two-straight finishes of 30th or worse. The face of Gillett Evernham Motorsports now sits eighth in the points, 509 out of first.

 

"It’s great to finally hit the top 10 in the points," says Kahne. "Hopefully, people will realize that I’m not just another pretty face. I’m not sure who said it first. Maybe it was Genghis Khan; maybe it was Vlad The Impaler; maybe it was King Richard The Lionheart; maybe it was #### Trickle The Leaky Bladder; or maybe it was Corey Glover, lead singer of Living Colour, who said, ‘I ain’t no glamour boy. I’m fierce.’ I just want to be taken seriously, whether I’m barreling down the straightaway at Daytona doing 195, or performing a boy-band dance routine while in a heart-covered racing suit."

 

"In any case, I was pleased with the car right from the start. Like a boat from Cuba making landfall in Miami, we ‘unloaded fast.’ And, it was a good day for Dodge's in general, with three cars in the top 10. Ryan Newman wasn't one of those, and he's often expressed his unhappiness with his car. And, his contract expires soon. I'm not sure there's much Roger Penske can do to keep Newman from getting the hell out of Dodge."

 

9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was involved in two incidents in the second half of the Coke Zero 400 and could manage only a finish of 26th. After leading the race as late as lap 121, Hamlin fell back in the pack, which is dangerous territory in a race known for late wrecks that change the complexion of the race.

"What can you say?" says Hamlin. "Oftentimes, the line between success and failure at Daytona is measured by your vicinity to the nearest no-driving fool. Trust me, I know. I nearly wiped out Kyle Busch early in the race. Luckily, he saved it, or that would have been two years in a row that I took out a Joe Gibbs teammate at Daytona."

"Anyway, racing at Daytona is a crapshoot, which also happens to describe Tony Stewart’s physical condition during the race. But Daytona wasn’t a total loss for Tony. He was this week’s winner of the ‘Who Sharted?’ t-shirt. And Daytona wasn't a total loss for me, either. I won Saturday's Winn Dixie 250, giving Joe Gibbs Racing its 13th win in 18 Nationwide races this year. That's domination, and people are starting to take notice. Jack Roush was so impressed by our cars, he said a #### could drive them. Is that a compliment of the car's handling, or an insult to ####? Don't knock ####, Mr. Roush. They are smart animals. They don't even wear pants and they expose themselves less than NASCAR officials."

 

10. (tie) Clint Bowyer/Tony Stewart: As the field roared towards the white flag, Bowyer made contact with the #6 of David Ragan, and another spectacular Daytona crach for the #07 Jack Daniels Chevy seemed imminent. Somehow, Bowyer maintained control, and lost only a few positions. Moments later, a crash midway through the pack ended the race under caution, with Bowyer locked into the ninth slot, his ninth top 10 of the year.

"I really wished we could have won this race for all the Jack Daniels drinkers," says Bowyer. "Then they could have celebrated the Fourth of July on the 'Fifth Of Liquor.' The Jack Chevy was really fast. It was like a bottle rocket out there. And while we're talking Jack Daniels, I think it's a perfect time to introduce my new Jack-scented shampoo. It's called 'Bow-yer Hair Smells Terrific.'"

Stewart battled flu-like symptoms prior to Saturday’s race, and pre-race intravenous fluids weren’t enough to keep him in the car. On lap 72, Stewart pitted and was relieved by J.J. Yeley, who had the #20 car primed for a top-10 finish before bad drafting position and the inevitable last lap carnage left him with a result of 20th. Stewart dropped three places in the points to 12th, only two points ahead of Kevin Harvick in 13th.

"Very few drivers know what it’s like to take the green flag with needle marks in their arms," says Stewart. "Except for maybe Aaron Fike. Sadly, a simple IV drip doesn’t produce the same euphoria as a syringe full of heroin. Maybe a ‘smack’ to the face would have kept me in the #20 car all night, or an IV drip of chicken gravy. Anyway, my Daytona saga was just another case of the bad luck that's stricken me practically every week this year. I shudder to think of the bad luck that awaits me in Chicago. If my race ends because of a cow and a huge fire, I'll know it's just not my year."

 

1. Kyle Busch: During another three-race weekend, Busch needed to travel to only two states to experience another disappointing weekend. Busch finished 13th in the Life Lock 400 on Sunday, crashed out of the Nationwide race Saturday night, and feuded with Ron Hornaday, Jr. and truck owner Kevin Harvick after Busch spun Hornaday with a lap to go in the Cool City Customs 200 on Saturday afternoon.

“Look, I’m no one’s race buddy,” says Busch. “Least not Kevin Harvick’s or Ron Hornaday, Jr.’s. Heck, I despise Ron Hornaday, Sr., and I don’t even know him. If Harvick wants a war of words, I’m game. He can call me a ‘punk,’ I can call him a ‘big mouth.’ And, we can both pray we don’t live in glass houses. Of course, we’ll never say any of that to each other’s face. This feud has the potential to spill out on the track, and if that happens, I’m more than willing to dance. And when I say ‘dance,’ I mean it literally. You recall Harvick’s last on-the-track incident? It was his two-step with Juan Montoya last year at Watkins Glen. If that’s fighting, then there was a battle royal at Joey Logano’s senior prom.”

“Now, I have no interest in meeting with Harvick face-to-face. The Busch brothers don’t do face-to-face meetings. As my brother Kurt has shown, we will, however, do fist-to-face meetings.”

“As you may have heard, I’m cutting back on my Nationwide and Craftsman schedules. So don’t expect to see me this weekend as much as you did last weekend. Television viewers only saw two other athletes more than me last weekend---Tiger Woods, during live action, and Tiger Woods on replay. It’s funny how Tiger only limps after a bad shot.”

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Ending a winless streak of 76 races, Earnhardt used a daring fuel gamble to win the Life Lock 400 at Michigan International Speedway. Earnhardt last pitted on lap 148, and, as the laps wound down, he displayed a fuel conservation strategy that all Americans should emulate, and all Saudi Arabians should fear. His efforts were almost rendered fruitless when Sam Hornish, Jr. spun two laps from the end, setting up a green-white-checkered finish that extended the race by three laps. Earnhardt professed at feeling “sick” upon that development, but his worries were allayed when Patrick Carpentier spun on the final lap.

“You can always count on those former open-wheelers for an untimely spin," says Earnhardt. "Who knew they were good for timely spins as well? I’m often ‘fuming’ after most of Tony Eury, Jr.’s decisions. Not this time. It’s poetic justice that we completed this race on fumes. Tony's proved before that 'passed gas' is a powerful tool; now, he's also verified the benefits of 'past gas.' Victory never smelled so sweet."

"I'd like to thank all my fans for sticking with me through this winless drought. I just want to remind them all to keep the celebrations civil and safe. Contrary to internet rumors, my win does not give members of Earnhardt Nation diplomatic immunity in cases of unlawful burning of front porch furniture. And, since this win took place in Michigan, home of the Stanley Cup champions, the Detroit Red Wings, I encourage all of my fans, male and female alike, to do as the members of the Red Wings did with their playoff beards and shave that facial hair you've been growing since my last win."

3. Jeff Burton: Burton started second, as rain canceled qualifying, and quickly found himself at the mercy of handling issues that continued throughout the day. Despite those troubles, Burton managed a finish of 15th, and maintained his streak of top-15 results or better in each of the 15 races this year. Finishing only two places behind points leader Kyle Busch, Burton lost little ground, and only trails Busch by 32 points.

"I've still got Busch in my sights," says Burton. "If I were a sniper, that might mean something. But I’m no killing machine; I wouldn’t hurt a flea, allthough I would like to slap the bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. If I keep pulling top 15’s out of my tailpipe, then I’ll be within striking distance once the Chase starts."

"But let's hear it for parity in NASCAR. All four manurfacturers were represented in the top 4 at Michigan. Now, if some female NASCAR employees would start flashing some male employees, then we would have total and absolute parity."

4. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson sported one of the stronger cars all day, leading a race-high 65 laps, but his victory aspirations were hindered by the game of chance known as fuel mileage. Johnson surrendered the lead on lap 182, and charged from 24th to 6th in the final 21 laps to post his seventh top-10 finish of the year. He moves up one place in the points to fifth, 254 out of first.

“Fuel strategy is not an exact science,” says Johnson. “Nor are NASCAR inspection procedures. That's what motivates Chad Knaus. Ultimately, our goals are the same. We both want the #48 car to go places. I want to drive it to Victory Circle. Chad wants to drive it through a loophole in the rules.”

5. Carl Edwards: Edwards joined Roush Fenway teammates Matt Kenseth and Jamie McMurray in the top 10 as Edwards finished seventh in Michigan, his sixth-straight top-10 result at the Brooklyn two-mile oval. Edwards remains fourth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 206 off the lead.

"We had a car capable of winning," says Edwards. "So I'm disappointed that we didn't. Many experts predicted this race would come down to fuel strategy, and they were right. I guess we misinterpreted exactly what ‘fuel strategy’ entails. Apparently, it has everything to do with mileage, and nothing to do with whether or not the fuel tank lid is on.”

“And congratulations to Matt Kenseth for his third-place finish. Matt’s really begun to assert himself on the track lately. I tried to congratulate Matt in person with a high five, but he slapped me---with a harassment lawsuit.”

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne nearly pulled off his second consecutive victory, instead settling for the runner-up spot in Michigan behind the magically-fueled car of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Kahne last pitted during a caution on lap 152, four laps after Earnhardt, and was in position for the win should Earnhardt's tank run dry.

"I don’t know what’s more impressive,” says Kahne. “Jesus walking on water, or Junior running on fumes? Jesus can turn water into wine, but Junior can turn a cheap Mountain Dew mesh cap into $50! Hallelujah! Seriously, though, Junior must have had divine intervention to get his car to go that far on that amount of gas. Talk about a 'holy roller.' And, I believe he got a little help from some forgiving NASCAR officials, who chose not to penalize him for passing the pace car, which is illegal. That rules interpretation will forever be known as the 'Immaculate Exception.'"

"And, honestly, I haven't seen that kind of mileage since Fred Flintstone drove from home to work on foot power alone. Obviously, Fred would be a terror on NASCAR tracks since, on wheels of stone, he'd never have to worry about tire wear."

7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished a mediocre 14th in Michigan after a third at Pocono two weeks ago. The driver of the Joe Gibbs Racing Fed Ex Toyota falls one spot in the Sprint Cup standings to sixth, 287 out of first.

"All the talk in the Joe Gibbs garage," says Hamlin, "is either about Joey Logano coming, Tony Stewart going, or Kyle Busch doing too much of both between the three NASCAR series. All the talk everywhere else is off lawsuits, harassment, and men exposing themselves to women. That said, it's a good time to mention that in addition to regular packages, large and small, Fed Ex also delivers subpoenas."

8. Tony Stewart: Constant adjustments, as well as a bold pit call on lap 186, allowed Stewart to record his fist top-5 finish in four points races. While many cars stayed on the track or took just two tires during a lap 186 caution, Stewart’s #20 Home Depot Toyota received four fresh tires. With plenty a fuel, Stewart passed his way into the top 5 in the race's final laps.

"I was impressed by NASCAR's decision to meet with drivers on Friday an advise us that we need to stop complaining so much. There’s no place for whining in professional sports, except inside the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room. In light of recent harassment allegations, I think NASCAR president Mike Helton could have chosen his words just a little better when he said this sport needs to be ‘####-free.’”

“It’s ironic that Helton urged us to stop complaining, while Brian France, in his comments on Mauricia Grant’s lawsuit, cited a lack of complaints. NASCAR's trying to send a message on their policies, and that message is clear: that their harassment policy is quite unclear. That's the kind of ambiguity you can expect from NASCAR, and from me, if you ask of my intentions of staying with Joe Gibbs or moving to a new team. So, don't ask me. All you'll get is a 'Smoke' screen."

9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth recorded his best finish of the year with a third at Michigan in a race that was decided on fuel strategy. Kenseth led 41 laps, and was leading on lap 188 when he was forced to reliquish the lead for fuel and two tires. He finished behind the two drivers whose fuel gambles paid off, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Kasey Kahne.

"I feel I was cheated out of this win," says Kenseth. "First, I had to stop in the pits to miss a NASCAR official loitering on pit lane. And, I'm fairly certain he exposed himself to me. He’s lucky. I almost gave him a ‘drive-over’ penalty. However, I used a little discretion and chose not to penalize him. Apparently, NASCAR officials have a lot more discretion to offer. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was so far ahead of the pace car, I think the pace car qualified for the 'Lucky Dog' free pass."

10. Brian Vickers: With his second top-5 finish in as many races, Vickers and Red Bull Racing announced that they will be factors in the Chase for the Sprint Cup. With his fourth at Michigan, Vickers is now 16th in the points, only 97 out of 12th, and charging.

"Ole. It was a great day for Red Bull Racing," says Vickers. "And, with Dale Earnhardt's victory in the #88 Amp Chevrolet, it was a glorious day for energy drinks in general. This team is so happy, we’re bouncing off walls. I'm still coming down from a sugar and caffeine high as we speak."

"But I still can’t understand why NASCAR officials placed me behind the #8 Dale Earnhardt, Inc. car of Mark Martin on the race’s final restart. I know Mark’s NASCAR ‘DEI’-ty, but NASCAR’s decision cost me a chance at the win. If those NASCAR officials would have been watching the race and not fumbling to get their pants back on, this never would have happened.”

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kyle Busch: Busch wrecked his primary car in Saturday’s Cup practice, then, on lap 46 in Sunday’s Pocono 500, he failed to clear the #26 car of Jamie McMurray before moving up the track. He clipped McMurray and suffered serious right-front damage, and headed straight for the garage. He returned 87 laps down, spun again, and finished last, 105 laps down.

"I guess my 'Triple Crown' weekend ended much like that of underachieving quarterhorse Big Brown," says Busch. "Underneath a tiny man in knickers with a whip. Hey, those kinky Japanese engineers expect some type of remuneration for providing us with those fine Toyota engines.”

“But let’s give Big Brown some credit. There’s no shame in only winning two legs of the Triple Crown. He just didn’t have it in the Belmont. Just because somebody’s beating you with a riding crop and yelling ‘Go!’ doesn’t mean you always ‘go.’ At least it doesn’t work that way at Hendrick Motorsports, or I would have been out of there long ago.”

2. Jeff Burton: Burton’s fifth-place finish, coupled with Kyle Busch’s numerous troubles, allowed the Richard Childress driver to take a huge bite out of Busch’s points lead. Burton entered Pocono trailing by 142; he leaves with a deficit of only 21. Burton, along with Kyle Busch, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and Carl Edwards, leads all drivers with ten top-10 finishes. Not surprisingly, those four drivers occupy positions 1-4 in the points.

"I doubt Busch will ever again run three races in three states in three days," says Burton. "The only #### a Busch brother has ever completed is Kurt getting smacked by three different drivers at three different tracks. Anyway, Kyle likes that fast-paced lifestyle. I prefer to slow down and savor the moment. I'm not 'rowdy,' I'm 'regular.' He’s a ‘punk;’ I show ‘spunk.’ He’s into 'Girls Gone Wild' videos; I prefer the 'Girls Gone Mild' series, in which middle-aged women in various stages of dress perform routine household chores, with not even the slightest lesbian implications."

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt survived a grueling Pocono 500, as air temperatures in the 90’s left the Hendrick Motorsports driver drained and exhausted, yet satisfied with a fourth-place finish. It was Earnhardt's tenth top 10 of the year, and he maintained third in the Sprint Cup point standings, where he is 145 out of first.

"The heat was nearly unbearable," says Earnhardt. "But you can't prosper in this sport without expecting to sweat a little. And, you can prosper even more in this sport when you take that perspiration, bottle it, have it blessed, and sell it to your fans as 'Hol-'E' water. It's great for baptisms, exorcisms, mixers, and burning the skin of Kyle Busch fans. Even Bruton Smith’s purchasing power doesn’t rival that of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fans."

"And, speaking of new marketing schemes, how about 'Steak-Umm' sponsoring my former ride, the #8 Dale Earnhardt, Inc. Chevrolet, driven by Mark Martin? You know, one year, Mark's in the 'Viagra' car. Then, he's in the 'Steak-Umm' car. Apparently, if your car is sponsored by a meat substitute, then Mark's your driver. If 'Spam' wants to team up with Amp energy drink, then we'd gladly field the 'SpAmp' car."

4. Carl Edwards: Once again, Edwards’ attempt at victory was plagued by errors in the pits. During the final caution, the valve stem was pulled from the rim of the left rear tire, which almost immediately went flat. Edwards returned to the pits to remedy the situation, which dropped him to 33rd. He heroically made 24 passes in the final laps to finish ninth, and held on to fourth in the points.

"I guess my crew puts the 'stop' in 'pit stop,'" says Edwards. "We've given away more positions than the Kama Sutra. We’ve lost more points in the pits than we have in the inspection line. Frankly, it makes me very upset. But I’m trying to work on my anger issues. I’ve come to realize that physical intimidation is a brutish and uncivilized way to handle problems. That's why, in dealing with my pit crew, I'm turning over a new leaf, and resorting to making my points in a more civil manner, with just verbal intimidation."

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was the lone bright spot for Joe Gibbs Racing, finishing third as teammates Kyle Busch and Tony Stewart faltered at Pocono's 2.5 mile tri-oval. Hamlin led 17 laps on the day, and advanced four places in the points to fifth, where he trails leader Kyle Busch by 284 points.

"Momentum is like the NASCAR rule book; it changes quickly in this sport," says Hamlin. "Before Pocono, Kyle was the hottest driver. After Pocono, Kasey Kahne looks like the hottest driver, although Juan Montoya has the hottest car. That fiery Colombian really had a scary wreck with Clint Bowyer’s Jack Daniels Chevrolet. Kudos to the emergency crew who got extinguishers on that fire immediately. I'm sure that's not the first time a white powdery substance has been found in a Colombian's car. Usually, 'Jack' and 'Coke' mix much better."

“And speaking of ‘hot cars,’ I think Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant said in best when he sang, ‘You need coolin,’ baby I’m not foolin’ in ‘Whole Lotta Love.’ Obviously, he was referring to these four-wheeled saunas we call cars. There’s more hot air in those things than a Waltrip family reunion. You could fry an egg in those things. And if you did happen to fry an egg in your car during a race, that might arouse NASCAR's su####ion, and they might be compelled to say to you, 'Hey, that looks like your brain on drugs. And lay off the heroin.' Still, I don't think that hypothetical episode would meet NASCAR's requirements for reasonable su####ion for a drug test."

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the pole and boasted the fastest car all day, slowed only by a miscue in the pits on lap 58 that dropped him to 38th. Kahne easily made his way through the field, passed Brian Vickers on lap 185, and led the final 15 laps. The victory gave Kahne two wins in the last three points races, and moved him within the top 12 in the points to ninth.

“I think we’ve really turned a corner,” says Kahne. “The car was just awesome. Even when I fell behind, I knew I could come back. All I had to do was hit my marks, which was more difficult than it sounds, especially with all those ‘Not For Sale’ signs at the track. I don't blame the Mattioli family. I wouldn't sell the track to Bruton Smith, either. In fact, the Mattioli's have stated publicly that they won't sell the track to anyone that resembles 'The Thing' of Fantastic Four comic book fame. Bruton is a dead ringer."

"I feel really good about the #9 car now. Suddenly, it's cool to drink Budweiser again, and the prospect of actually winning over some male fans has me really stoked. I'll soon be issuing a public statement through my spokesman, actor and All State Insurance pitchman Dennis Haysbert."

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson pitted on lap 168, gambling that the race would remain under green, which meant necessary pit stops for several cars in front of him. Unfortunately, that plan was rendered irrelevant when Kyle Busch spun with 23 laps remaining, forcing practically everyone to pit. Instead of contending for the win, Johnson settled for sixth, which moved him up one place in the point standings to sixth.

“Of all people, Chad Knaus and I understand the cold, hard facts of gambling," says Johnson. "Whether it's pit strategy, fuel strategy, $100 on the Lakers to cover, or illegally altering a car part, you win some and you lose some. Lately, we've lost more than we've won. In fact, we've lost so much that we even owe Charles Barkley money."

"Seriously, though, Hendrick Motorsports is ready to bust out. Joe Gibbs may have four wins, but we've got three drivers in the Sprint Cup standings. That's more than Gibbs can say. And, Jeff, Dale, and myself are trying our best to encourage Casey mears to step up his game. And, by 'encourage,' I mean we're keeping the 'dead weight' comments to a minimum and referencing Weekend At Bernie's as little as possible."

8. Jeff Gordon: Much like teammate Jimmie Johnson, Gordon’s fortunes were victimized by Kyle Busch’s late spin. Gordon pitted on lap 165, and had the race remained under green, would probably have left with a top-5 finish. Instead, Gordon lost track position due to Busch’s spin, and had to work feverishly in the final laps to salvage his 14th-place finish.

“In hindsight,” says Gordon, “I guess it was pretty optimistic to expect the race to go without a caution for the final 35 laps. Especially with those former open-wheel racers, like Patrick Carpentier, Sam Hornish, and Dario Franchitti, slipping and sliding all over the place. I can’t speak for Carpentier and Hornish, but I myself have no problem driving with photos of Ashley Judd taped to my dashboard.”

9. Tony Stewart: Stewart was on track for a top-10 finish before a pit lane speeding infraction on lap 171 incurred a penalty. Stewart served a drive-through penalty that left him a lap down, dampening his spirits after a promising day that saw him lead 14 laps.

“Normally, I’ve got no problem with ‘drive-through’s,’” says Stewart. “especially if there’s food involved. Those NASCAR officials have no sense of humor, though. They didn’t even smile when I drove through for my penalty and said ‘I’d like that biggie-sized’ while holding a giant, foam middle finger out of the window."

"Take away the penalty, and we had a good day. The car ran well, we led 14 laps, and I made one of the most daring passes of my career when I nervously slipped by Elliott Sadler on lap 109. I was pretty sure one of us was going into the wall. I thought everything was cool until I bumped into Elliott after the race. It was an accident, but Elliott showed me his fist and said, 'I got your "Prelude To A Dream" right here.'"

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth scored his fourth consecutive top 10, coming home seventh in the Pocono 500 as the top finisher in the Roush Fenway stable. The driver of the #17 DeWalt Tools Ford is now 15th in the point standings, only 34 out of 12th.

“I’ve quietly put myself back in contention for the Chase,” says Kenseth. “That’s how I roll—quietly. I do everything quietly, even when I utter a blood-curdling scream whenever I feel physically threatened.”

“I’ve got to hand it to TNT for their coverage of the race. Nothing gets me more excited about racing than knowing what drivers are eating and drinking during a red flag. And Kyle Petty is a great analyst. He really has some great insight. It's like he used to be a driver or something. I've got to bow to the 'King' Richard Petty for his driving, but Kyle definitely gets a curtsy for his broadcasting acumen."

1. Kyle Busch: Busch dominated the second half of the Best Buy 400, leading 155 of the final 200 laps, to capture his fourth Sprint Cup win this season. Combined with his four Nationwide wins and two Craftman Truck triumphs, Busch has 10 total wins on the year. And, he extended his points lead over Jeff Burton to 142.

"I'd like to thank my sponsor, Combos," says Busch, "another product made by the huge conglomerate of Mars, Inc., also the makers of M&M's, Snickers, and other foods contributing to this obesity of this nation. Ten wins---that's just goes to show that I can win anytime, anywhere, regardless of who I'm racing, and regardless of whatever silly looking racing suit I'm wearing."

"Now, I understand some unscrupulous fan sneaked into the racetrack early Sunday with the intention of stealing my helmet. Luckily, a wary security guard foiled the plot. At first, I was quite impressed that one of my fans would go to such lengths for a souvenir. Then, I was informed of the complete, evil intentions of the fiendish plot: it was not one of my fans; it was a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan. The plan was generally the same--to steal my helmet, only with my head still in it."

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards took charge at the midway point in Dover, leading laps 171 through 232, but was no match for Kyle Busch in crunch time. Despite having what seemed to be the best car, the #99 team faltered in the pits, losing five seconds to Busch over the final two pit stops. With Busch in clean air, Edwards was unable to remotely threaten the #18 car down the stretch.

"I hate to throw my pit crew under the bus," says Edwards. "Just as much as I hate to speak literally. But we gave away way too much time to Busch in the pits, and five seconds is too much for even me to make up, with or without an oil lid cover."

3. Jeff Burton: Just like clockwork, Burton put his Richard Childress Chevy in the top 10 at Dover, finishing a smooth eighth and avoiding the carnage that afflicted teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick, who were sucked into the lap 17 accident. He maintained the #2 spot in the points, and is now 142 behind Kyle Busch.

"Tough break for Kevin and Clint," says Burton. "They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But it sure was cool to see Richard Childress working on Harvick's car. Richard hasn't got his hands that dirty since his last bribe. Harvick's car didn't look anything like a 2008 model when he returned to the track. It looked like something out of the 1950’s. I could have sworn he was running moonshine. And Junior Johnson looked thirsty."

"But I'm sure Formula 1 driver David Couthard, a guest of Red Bull racing, felt right at home watching the race. Just like in Formula 1, there was a spectacular crash, virtually no on-the-track passing, and a high-ranking official was filmed participating in a ####-themed, sado-masochistic sex orgy. Okay, maybe that last one wasn't true, but it would have made the race imminently more enjoyable. That race was just boring. On the bright side, though, it’s nice to hear chants of ‘Boring. Boring’ and realize they’re referring to something besides me."

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt was one of many victims of a lap 17 crash initiated when David Gilliland tapped Elliot Sadler, sending Sadler sliding down the track and into the path of several cars, one of which was Earnhardt's. The #88 suffered front and rear-end damage, and Earnhardt eventually finished 35th, although he held on to third in the points.

"Hey, it’s not the first time I’ve had a bad experience on the ‘Monster Mile,’" says Earnhardt. "That’s also the name of the one-mile driveway leading to my stepmother Theresa's mansion. The surface was abrasive, and a #### to navigate."

"As far as our finish at Dover goes, we can’t dwell on it. You can moan about it, or toss blame. You can even have some of your pit crew brawl with another pit crew. In the end, though, where does it get you? Nowhere. The wins will come. For now, I'll just have to deal with that #### on my back, which shouldn't be a problem since I've been known to easily tote camels through the desert."

5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon recorded his fourth consecutive top-10 with a fifth in the Best Buy 400, a solid result, but one not without some concern, as he finished nearly a lap behind race winner Kyle Busch. He jumped four spots in the points to sixth, 404 out of first. Gordon also inked a two-year extension with primary sponsor DuPont, and also spent a day at the firm's headquarters in Dover.

"The company of DuPont shares a lot of operational qualities with the Hendrick Motorsports organization," says Gordon. "In fact, if I'm not mistaken, DuPont just allowed one of their top scientists to leave and go to a rival corporation, where that scientist has flourished."

"But let’s not hand the Sprint Cup trophy to Kyle Busch just yet. Sure, he’s well ahead of everyone in the points. Trust me. I know what it’s like to build a huge points lead only to have it ripped right out from under you by the Chase For The Cup points format. Jimmie Johnson’s got no problem with that, though."

6. Greg Biffle: Biffle sported the best car early, leading 164 of the first 170 laps after starting from the pole. But an alternator problem emerged soon after, and the resultant electrical problems sapped some of the #16 Roush Fenway Ford’s strength. Biffle still managed to finish third, his second consecutive top 5, and leapfrogged from 11th to 5th in the points.

"Carl Edwards thinks he’s got problems with his pit crew?" says Biffle. "Well, when my crew chief Greg Erwin asked me what was wrong, I calmly replied ‘It’s electric.’ Imagine my surprise when the next words out of his mouth were ‘Boogie woogie woogie.’ Multiply that level of surprise by ten, and you’ll understand my reaction when I pulled into the pits for service, only to find my crew engaged in the ‘Electric Slide.’ I’ll give them this: they were in perfect unison."

"And unison is what this Roush Fenway organization will need to combat the mercurial Kyle Busch. My teammates and I will have to strike with a three-pronged attack, three-and-a-half-pronged if you’re counting Jamie McMurray. I fully intend to extend my contract with Roush Fenway. I don't want to break up this happy family comprised of four drivers who really have very little like for one another."

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pit road speeding penalty following a stop on lap 153 to score a seventh at Dover, giving him his fifth top-10 finish this year. He now stands a comfortable seventh in the points, 406 behind Kyle Busch and 120 ahead of Kasey Kahne in twelfth.

"We're happy with the top 10," says Johnson, "but we know we've got a lot of work to do before we're able to challenge for wins. What we have to do is find a way to win. And, when I say ‘find,’ I’m challenging Chad Knaus to reach into his bag of tricks for the answer. When Chad waves his magic wand, and says the magic words, the car gets faster. Of course, Chad's magic words aren't 'Abracadabra' or 'Presto.' Instead, his trusty magic words are 'Do it, but don't say I told you to.' Works every time. That is, unless those NASCAR officials ruin the magic show. They're no slouches in the realm of magic themselves. They can simply say 'failed inspection,' and Chad disappears for six races."

8. Tony Stewart: Stewart was unlucky enough to be the first car at the scene of the Elliott Sadler-David Gilliland incident that affected nearly half of the top 12 drivers in the Chase hunt. With nowhere to go, Stewart plugged Sadler’s car, causing serious damage to the #20 Home Depot machine. Stewart made it to the garage and returned much later, completing 199 laps. He finished 41st and fell three places in the points to 11th.

"That's right," says Stewart. "I'm usually the first car on the scene of an accident. And Elliott Sadler's always there waiting on me. I’ll give him props for his promptness. Don’t bother with an apology, Elliott. Not that I don’t deserve one. I just don’t want to hear that grating, southern Virginia accent you speak with. Anyway, people should be happy with the way I'm handling myself in tough times. The 'old' Tony Stewart probably would have punched Sadler. Of course, the 'old' Tony Stewart likely would have then got his butt kicked. That Sadler is a big country boy."

9. Denny Hamlin: Like his teammate Stewart, Hamlin plowed into Sadler in the lap 17 pile-up, knocking the #11 Fed Ex Toyota out of the race for good. Hamlin finished last, and tumbled five spots in the point standings to ninth, 420 out of first.

"Contrary to popular belief," says Hamlin, "my car does have brakes and they do work. I hope my wrecked car doesn’t reflect badly on the delivery qualities of the Fed Ex fleet. Fed Ex drivers are trained to go around accidents, not through them."

"Luckily, the smell of crumpled sheet metal and flat-spotted tires in the Gibbs garage was offset by the smell of teen spirit, that of Joey Logano, the fresh-faced prodigy who is sure to put the future of Joe Gibbs Racing in a state of nirvana. Well, Joey, now is your time. Here we are now. Entertain us."

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth continued his recent resurgence, finishing fourth at Dover for his third-straight top-10 result. Kenseth, in the #17 Roush Fenway Ford sporting the black Dewalt Nanotechnology paint scheme, followed Roush Fenway teammates Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle across the line to give the squad a 2-3-4 finish.
"The last time I was that close to Edwards," says Kenseth, "I ran. But, I'm finally getting a feeling of teamwork in this organization. See how that works, Carl? Heck, I’d do anything for this team. I’m not even averse to team orders. In fact, Carl and the boys send me out for Chinese food just last week."

1. Kyle Busch — Despite losing time to an unscheduled pit stop on lap 149 and battery problems later, Busch again proved that very little can hold him back, except possibly a sunscreen with an SBF lower than 140. Busch finished third, maintaining a comfortable 94-point lead in the Cup standings. Busch led 61 laps, three fewer than his brother Kurt, in recording his eighth top-five finish of the year.

"Kurt led more laps than me," says Busch, "and I'm happy for him. Kurt's had a tough year so far, but you can only hold a Busch brother down for so long. When we fight back, watch out! We were both held back for so long, Kurt by abnormally large ears, me by Hendrick Motorsports. We don't like to lose, and we've faced an abundance of beatings over time, Kurt by enraged drivers, me by the ugly stick. If destiny calls for me to follow in Kurt's footsteps, then so be it. That means a Sprint Cup championship awaits, as well as a sexless marriage. I'm ready for both."

2. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Once again, Earnhardt had a car capable of winning, leading 76 laps, but a blown right front tire on lap 297 sent him hard into the wall and out of the lead. Even with a severely damaged right side, Earnhardt was able to recover and finish fifth. He holds on to the third spot in the point standings, 139 behind Kyle Busch.

"I'm not sure if we blew a tire or ran over something," says Earnhardt. "My guess is I ran over some type of debris, possibly a jagged piece of a Budweiser bottle, or maybe the sharp-edged fragment of Teresa Earnhardt's vanity, or maybe it was a broken piece of the twisted logic behind one of Tony Eury, Jr.'s decisions. Luckily, we didn't lose that wheel, like Brian Vickers did. Let me tell you. If I lose a wheel and it lands on the roof of an infield camper, and that camper is a Dale, Jr. fan, they'd need a SWAT team to pry that tire from the cold hands of that damn, dirty Earnhardt fan. Two NASCAR officials on a golf cart just wouldn't cut it. I'm sure the owner of that camper paid NASCAR to take that Brian Vickers' tire away."

3. Jeff Burton — Burton started 14th in Charlotte and quickly made his presence felt, moving into the top 10 on lap eight and running amongst the leaders for the majority of the race. Burton ended the 600-mile marathon in sixth, his eighth top-10 of the year, and has yet to finish outside the top 15 this year.

"It was quite a weekend for motorsports," says Burton. "But I don't think Monaco or Indianapolis could match Charlotte for excitement. Sure, nothing beats driving the street circuit at Monaco in a high-performance Formula 1 machine, except driving the street circuit at Monaco in a high-performance Formula 1 machine, high on heroin. I've done neither, but I hear Aaron Fike did the latter, although it was on PlayStation. Anyway, it was great to see Brit Lewis Hamilton become the first black man to win at Monaco. I can only hope Randy Moss's truck team brings that kind of diversity to NASCAR. I hear Moss is a big fan of Hamilton, and is a big fan of all things English, for that matter, especially their Olde malt liquor."

"As for Indy, it was a pretty uneventful race. However, it was pretty exciting watching Danica Patrick storm after Ryan Briscoe while removing her helmet and gloves on the way. If that official would have let her by, she could possibly have been totally naked by the time she got there. That definitely would have gotten an apology from Briscoe, as well as a sizable tip. I couldn't help but think of Al Pacino hamming it up for the camera and shouting 'Danica! Danica!' Danica!'"

4. Carl Edwards — Edwards finished ninth in Charlotte, a respectable result, but disappointing considering his accomplishments on 1.5-mile tracks this year. Edwards was running third on the final lap when he ran out of gas and fell to ninth. He moves up one place in the point standings to sixth, and is 322 out of first.

"Hey, what do WWE superstar John Cena and Matt Kenseth have in common?" asks Edwards. "That's right. I've submitted them both to the 'Boston Crab.' And they both run at the very threat of me raising a fist, just in different directions. That's one of the many perks of being a Gillette Young Gun — horseplay with professional athletes under the guise of selling products. Next up for me — a commercial with former major league pitcher Dennis 'Oil Can' Boyd."

5. Tony Stewart — Stewart had victory ripped from his grasp as a blown tire two laps from the end put him in the wall as Kasey Kahne was handed the victory. Stewart was headed for the win with a comfortable 5½-second lead when his right front tire went down. Instead of his first win of the season, Stewart settled for a finish of 18th, and continued his disappointment in the search for his first Cup win this year.

"The tire from Brian Vickers' car wasn't the only one flying in Charlotte," says Stewart. "What you didn't see on camera was me tossing my blown tire at the Goodyear executives. Not sure if they got the hint, though. In the future, to make sure they do get the hint, all of my interviews about tires will be conducted in front a giant video screen, which will play a continual loop of the Hindenburg disaster, with background music by Led Zeppelin."

6. Denny Hamlin — Like his Joe Gibbs teammate Tony Stewart, Hamlin blew a tire on lap 398 and saw a likely top-five finish evaporate, with 600 miles of hard work negated by a tire that just couldn't handle the pressure. Hamlin holds on to fourth in the points, but now trails leader Kyle Busch by 264 points.

"We were there for 398 of 400 laps," says Hamlin. "Some say we lost the 'war of attrition.' That's wrong. I'm pretty sure the Confederates won that one. As far as Tony Stewart seceding from Joe Gibbs Racing, that's entirely his decision. He doesn't need my blessing, nor does he need approval from the United Nations, Congress, or the general public."

7. Jeff Gordon — Gordon was mired in the middle of the pack nearly all day in the Coca-Cola 600, but a bold gamble, topping off his fuel tank on the final caution while many cars ahead stayed out, gave Gordon a fourth-place finish.

"You'd be surprised how much fuel can be pumped into a car in just a matter of seconds," says Gordon. "Just as you may be surprised by how many commercials FOX can jam down viewers' throats during a caution period. They don't call a debris caution 'a word from our sponsors' for nothing. Who am I to judge, though? I'm a walking billboard myself. Does anyone need a Pepsi, or one of the thousands of products offered by DuPont, none of which I can name?"

"But let's not lose sight of the positives here. I've recorded three consecutive top-10 finishes. Don't ask me how, because we've been doing it with cars barely worthy of a top-20 finish. Maybe 'smoke and mirrors' has something to do with it. Hey, you know if you take 'smoke and mirrors,' throw in a razor blade, a rolled-up dollar bill, mysterious white powder, a crack pipe, a syringe, a spoon, and a cigarette lighter, NASCAR just might have enough to test you for drugs."

"Now, I understand there are those of you who have a problem with me asking NASCAR to take a look at the 'rear housing' on certain cars. Most people love it when I talk dirty. Well, apparently, Carl Edwards doesn't."

8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick muscled his ill-handling Richard Childress Chevrolet to a hard-earned 14th in the Coca-Cola 600. He advanced two positions in the Cup point standings to seventh, and also extended his streak of not having a "DNF" to 56 races, two short of his NASCAR record of 58.

"Hey, that's just one small step for Kevin Harvick," says Harvick, "and it would be one giant leap for someone like Michael Waltrip or Michael McDowell to go that long without a DNF. You know what they car 'DNFs' at Michael Walrip racing? Sunday."

"I'd also like to give a good luck wish to NASCAR promoter extraordinaire 'Humpy Wheeler.' You may ask how he got his nickname. That's an anecdote better left untold, much like the #### Trickle story. Let's just say 'Humpy' is more than just a name; it's a lifestyle."

9. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson lost a cylinder while running second on lap with about 75 miles to go, and a few laps later, his engine eventually failed completely. Last year's two-time winner at Charlotte ended his day in 39th, and dropped three positions to ninth in the Sprint Cup point standings.

"You can't win a race missing a cylinder," says Johnson. "Although Chad Knaus assured me we could — if we start with nine. That's a project he's working on for later. At least that's what I think he said. Chad's read the NASCAR rule book so many times that he's started speaking with the same type of vague and ambiguous language one finds in that rule book."

10. (tie) Kasey Kahne/Greg Biffle — Kahne and Biffle dominated Charlotte's All-Star festivities two weeks ago, with Kahne winning the All-Star Race and Biffle winning the Burnout Competition. Then, on Sunday, Kahne and Biffle finished 1-2 in the Coca-Cola 600. Kahne finally cracked the top 12 in the point standings, while Biffle remained 11th, 377 out of first.

"The question is," says Kahne, "whether my dominance in Charlotte can serve as the catalyst to more top finishes. or whether it will simply serve as a catalyst to more uninteresting Allstate commercials in which giggly, middle-aged women swoon over my overly robotic character. Hey, just like in real life."

*Tony Romo connects with Jason Witten 83 times on the season, 84 if you count their Mexican vacation rendezvous during a bye week. While there, they are joined by faux R&B crooner Nick Lachey, and the three are photographed skinny-dipping in an inflatable pool.

*In a preseason game in Toronto in August, Pittsburgh defensive end Brett Keisel is penalized for a late hit on Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards. Later in the game, Keisel is engaged by former Toronto Maple Leafs goon Tie Domi, who beats Keisel to a pulp before linesmen intervene. Keisel, known more for his finesse that his physicality, has trouble from the start, fumbling to get his gloves off, then becoming totally incapacitated when Domi pulls Keisel’s shoulder pads over his head.

*To his growing collection of rings obtained in 2008, which includes a Super Bowl ring and a wedding ring, Eli Manning adds a nipple ring, a souvenir of a drunken night out the town with teammate Jeremy Shockey. Afterwards, Shockey confides to Manning that he’d like to be traded, seemingly discontented with his status, much like that of former Cowboy Larry Brown and current Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, as a player who has won a Super Bowl ring for doing absolutely nothing.

*Matt Leinart, experiencing some down time due to a sore groin, invents a variation of the whirlpool machine, a product he calls the “Sub-ma-####.” The contraption, which is essentially a whirlpool machine that seats eight, also features a full bar and seven sets of underwater breathing gear. The gear, dubbed "SCUBA" by a chuckling Leinart, stands for "Self-Contained Underwater Blowing Apparatus," and comes standard on all "Sub-ma-####" whirlpools.

*St. Louis Rams first round pick Chris Long quickly impresses in the first half of the season with six sacks, stunning many offensive linemen with his quickness and relentlessness, reminding many of his father, Raiders great Howie Long. It’s not until a November 9 game at the Jets that an offensive lineman appears to find the secret to blocking Long. Jets offensive tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson holds Long to no sacks and no tackles, and credits film study of Howie Long for his success. Ferguson professes that after viewing tape of the elder Long, particularly as an analyst with the Fox Network, he notices that Long always turned to jelly in the presence of weather girl/eye candy Jillian Barberie. A craftily placed picture of Barberie on Ferguson's visor incapacitates the rookie, and Long, just like his father, turns into a bumbling #### anytime he sees Barbieri.

*Recently retired Packers quarterback Brett Favre, after viewing the blockbuster action flick Iron Man, experiences a startling revelation---that Robert Downey, Jr. would probably make a better quarterback than Aaron Rogers.

*On December 14th, in blizzard conditions at Arrowhead Stadium, San Diego’s Antonio Cromartie returns a wobbly, snow-repelled punt by the Chiefs Dustin Colquitt one yard for a touchdown, thereby giving him not only the longest return touchdown in NFL history, but also the shortest.

*Upper Deck introduces its new “LaDainian Tomlinson Playoff Action Figure,” which features Tomlinson dejectedly sitting on the bench with his knee wrapped, cursing the name of the New England Patriots.

*The Browns go 11-5 to win the AFC North and secure the #3 seed. In an AFC Divisional game in Foxboro in January, Derek Anderson leads a fourth quarter drive to set up a 49-yard field goal attempt by Phil Dawson for the win. Dawson's kick has the distance, but the ball hits a camera mounted on the goal post's support bar and bounces into the end zone. The Patriots win 23-21, adding to a growing list of playoff games won with the benefit of a camera.

*After moving from left defensive end to the right, Carolina’s Julius Peppers abruptly withdraws his presidential support for Barack Obama and alligns himself with Republican John McCain. Peppers inexplicably is named a starter to the Pro Bowl in January, despite registering fewer sacks than Minnesota's Jared Allen, New York's Osi Umenyiora, and Seattle’s Patrick Kerney.

*In an effort to make fans forget about 2005’s embarrasing “Sex Boat” scandal, safeties Darren Sharper and Madieu Williams head the day-long “Vikings Care: Boat Safeties” workshop on Lake Minnetonka in August. The event is a huge success, attracting a turnout of 102,381, of which 102,379 are male, although most go home disappointed when it becomes apparent that the workshop actually is about boat safety, and not about how to manage strippers at sea level, with "sea" meaning "waist."

*All Indianapolis Colts radio and television on-air personnel are ordered to take sensitivity training to ensure that, when describing passes from Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison, the phrase “fired a bullet” is not to be used.

*Raiders coach Lane Kiffin, frustrated with the meddling ways of Al Davis, issues an ultimatum to Davis in August, demanding that Davis fire him or die. Kiffin is fired immediately.

*Atlanta Falcons rookie quarterback Matt Ryan enjoys a successful season, starting the Falcons final six games and throwing 11 touchdown passes. However, his business undertakings don’t fare as well, particularly his venture into the popcorn field, unfortunately called “Bad Newz Kernels.”

*In November, Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry fathers his tenth child and reaches a monumental personal milestone, as that tenth child's mother is also the mother of Henry's seventh child, the first instance of Henry fathering two children with the same mother.

“I thought that was only possible by having twins,” quips Henry.

In December, Henry fails a drug test and is criticized by Broncos coach Mike Shanahan, who accuses Henry of being selfish, and showing the same amount of disdain for the NFL's drug policy as he does for birth control, and garnished wages.

*Tom Brady, who, in May, compared ESPN to MTV, hosts the 2009 ESPY Awards, and, during his initial monologue, is slimed, Nickelodeon-style, with buckets of green goo. Infuriated, Brady then uses his good looks, charm, and demonic, telekineticic powers to lock the doors of the Kodak Theater and set it ablaze, burning to death numerous athletes and entertainment icons, including John Travolta. Brady spares a few ESPN employees, including Sage Steel, Rachel Nichols, Melissa Starke, and Bonnie Bernstein.

Later, outside the scorched theater, Brady presents Patriots head coach with a lifetime achievement award in the field of unethical practices, an award known as the “ESPY-onage.”

*Gatorade unveils its much anticipated new product, “Gatorade Water,” with a media blitz starring Peyton Manning, who cements his status as professional sport's greatest endorser by successfully pimping a product available to practically all consumers with a clever slogan of "You're already 3/4 full of it. Why not be totally full of it? I am."

*At the October 26th Chargers-Saints contest at London's Wembley Stadium, rowdy British fans witness sloppy play that results in nine turnovers, eleven counting the two suffered by husky-voiced singer Amy Winehouse, who fumbles the lyrics to the "Star Spangled Banner" prior to the game, then fumbles her crack pipe after the game. Later, Saints star Reggie Bush meets his family, enjoying a luxury suite at Buckingham Palace courtesy of some well-connected USC boosters.

*The Giants Michael Strahan returns for his 16th season when former Packer quarterback Brett Favre lays down before a one-year contract, which Strahan pounces on.

*New Dallas cornerback Pacman Jones quickly endears himself to the Cowboys faithful, returning a punt for a touchdown in Dallas' 28-24 win over Philadelphia in their home opener on September 15th. Jones enjoys a career season, at least up until week 15, when he is arrested for “ignorant exposure” and stealing a key chain at the “Texas Gun And Stripper Show” at the Texas State Fairgrounds.

*The New England Patriots win Super Bowl 43, beating the Dallas Cowboys 31-23.

*Under Armour, seeking to smother consumers with its ever-expanding apparel market, teams up with The Food Network to produce grilling aprons and caps bearing the Under Armour logo and patented moisture-wicking capabilities. Under Armour also partners with furniture giant Rooms To Go, where the “Look Like An Athlete, Even Though You’re Not” room design quickly becomes a top seller.

*Randy Moss’ new Craftsman truck racing team sports the longest team name in NASCAR racing history, the lengthily, yet aptly titled “’Fro’s, Cornrows, ####’s, and Mo Fo’s On Pit Row,” and makes a splashy debut at Martinsville on October 18. There, Moss’ truck, driven by Willie T. Ribbs, Jr., finishes on the lead lap in 19th place. Unfortunately, the #81 car is disqualified when a post-race inspection reveals that Moss’ truck exceeds the weight limit, most likely the result of three audio speakers with 16” woofers stashed in the truck’s bed.

*The Carolina Panther Cheerleaders 2008 season calendar goes on sale in June and sells briskly. The calendar, titled “The Top Cats Brand Spanking New 2008 Season Calendar” features the Top Cats in provocative poses in various bathroom stalls throughout the Charlotte area. October’s photo is particularly sensual, depicting two gorgeous cheerleaders in their Halloween costumes, each wearing the face of the other.

In a related note, Panther quarterback Jake Delhomme, a huge fan of the Top Cats, makes a strong return from last year's injury, with his elbow at full-strength, and then some. Delhomme throws for 4,100 yards and 36 touchdowns, 14 to Steve Smith, and the Panthers win the NFC South with a 10-6 record.

*Chad Johnson, after scoring on a 80-yard bomb from Carson Palmer on the first play from scrimmage in the Bengals pre-season opener against Green Bay, celebrates with a new and well-practiced routine he calls the “Hissy Fit.” Johnson then demands a trade, a plane to Casablanca, $1.5 million in unmarked bills of low denomination, and a tender shoulder to cry on.