Have you ever noticed that…

…whenever the camera focuses in on a major league baseball manager soon there after his finger will make its way to his nose.

...when watching a New York Knicks basketball game Walt Clyde Frazier will use the most undulatory, vermicular, and inexpedient language to describe each and every play of the game.

…badminton and handball are Olympic events, but baseball has been dropped.

 …at an NFL football game a homely girl never seems to make in it up on the Jumbotron, but you’ll be sure to see at least 3 fat guys with their shirts off.

 …baseball is the only sport where the manger wears the team’s uniform. I’d pay extra to see George Karl dawn a Nuggets uniform.

 …a beer at a Yankee Stadium cost as much as an o.k. bottle of wine.

 …in between rounds of a boxing match the corner men never have anything of value to say. “Stick and move kid”, “Look’n good”, “Don’t get hit”.

 …at the Slam Dunk Contest the NBA players in attendance that are not in uniforms make the most ridiculous faces after every dunk.

 …at certain sporting events some tailgaters never leave the parking lot to actually go see the game.

 …on a televised WNBA game you’ll notice the cameras are extremely careful never pan above the lower section to expose the empty seats.

 …the higher the salary an NBA player has, the more steps he can take to the basket.

…professional wrestlers will do their best to mock, intimidate, and maim their opponents while in the ring, but after the match go back to the same a locker room and peacefully get dressed before they go home.

If you have noticed something let us know.

In 1989 when the walls of tyranny came crashing down in Eastern Europe the Western world was given an opportunity to acquire a better perspective to some of the gems that lay there.  One of these places is the southern most Baltic state, Lithuania.  If you must look at a map to get a better idea of where this tiny country resides you are not alone.  Ask an economist what Lithuania’s major exports are you might get the standard response of textile articles, mineral products and machinery & equipment. But if you ask the average Lithuanian what’s his country’s biggest export is, he will tell you it no uncertain terms, “krepsininkai”.  Translation: basketball players. 

For a country that maintains a population of around 3 million people it efficiently and consistently produces quality NBA talent.  As Americans watched the 1988 Seoul Olympics we were all heartbroken to see the USSR take the gold from the United States, but we were oblivious to the irony of the event.  As Americans, we perceived it as a blow from Russia and the “evil empire”, but in truth it was two Lithuanian’s, Sarunas Marciulionis and Arvydus Sabonis, that lead that USSR team.  The irony is that during that time and right up 'til present day, Lithuanians are, shall we put it mildly, not to found of their former oppressors the Russians. The majority of the 3 million Lithuanians viewing that game in their rundown, depressed, communist dwellings were not overjoyed about the gold medal for Mother Russia, no, what was thrilling for them was to finally have their countryman on a world stage.

The crafty Croatian, Drazen Petrovic, has been given the credit as being the trailblazer (no pun intended) that put European players on the map.  There is no doubt Petrovic is one of the best foreign players ever to play in the NBA, but while he was logging bench minutes in Portland in the ‘90 and ‘91 seasons it was Sarunas Marciulionis who demanded the world take notice of European talent with his quality play for the Golden State Warriors.  In 1990, Marciulionis’ rookie season, he was the sixth man on a team playing along the sides of Chris Mullin, Tim Hardaway and Mitch Richmond.  True, he had the look of a seventies porn star with that full mustache and those tiny shorts, but the guy could flat out play.  He averaged 22 minutes and scored over 12 points a game for an extremely potent offensive club.  Later in his career he would score as many as 19 points per game.

If Marciulionis is the prince of Lithuania, than no doubt Arvydus Sabonis is the King. To say Sabonis is the Jordon of Lithuania would actually be a gross understatement to a Lithuanian.  He played at a towering 7’3” and tipped the scales at 280 pounds and no one ever played the game at that size with his finesse.  He could hit the three and pass the rock with most of the better guards of his day and of course he could #### and score in the paint with the best of them.  As a beaten and battered 31 year old rookie in the NBA with ailing knees, Sabonis proved he could still play.  At 33 he averaged 16 points, 10 rebounds and 3 assists per game and finished his career with a .500 FG percentage with a .328 clip from downtown.  Unfortunately, at the tail end of his career he took a towel in the face as he sat on the bench by the disgruntled Rasheed Wallace on national television, a clip that was played numerous times throughout the world.

In today’s game we see a new breed of Lithuanian talent, the exciting guard from the Indiana Pacers, Sarunas Jasikevicius; the perennial All-Star from the Clevland Cavaliers, Zydunas Ilgauskas; the promising Chicago Bulls forward, Darius Songaila and a host of other younger Lituanian talent spread throughout the league. The ability for such a small, underprivileged nation to continue to churn out talent is extremely impressive.  There can be a number of parallels drawn between Lithuania and places such as the Dominican Republican and its ability to produce MLB talent.  What are the reasons?  That could be an interesting article for another time, right now I rather just enjoy the product.

Below I present my rendition of The Producers with an NBA twist.  I have assembled my list of the most deficient and inadequate owner, general manger, head coach and players of today to make one All-Dud Team.  There are no prerequisites, but the prototype player should be active on a present roster, get consistent minutes, hold an inflated contract, play little defense and just be an overall detriment to his team.

Scenes

ACT ONE

NBA, 2005

Scene 1: “Opening Night”…………………....……..James Dolan (owner)

If there ever was a Peter Angelos of the NBA this would be the man. When Jim is not busy feuding with his father Charles and sinking his company Cablevision, he is making poor management decisions for his storied franchise the New York Knicks. (Now that I think about it if there ever was a Kenneth Lay of the NBA Jim might fit that bill as well).  Jim continues to maintain the largest payroll in the NBA and gets the least R.O.I. (return on investment) in the league.  Let’s review some of his most notorious achievements: permitting television blackouts of major New York sports teams, dismissing Marv Albert the voice of the Knicks, politicking against a new stadium for the NY Jets and leading his Knicks to what appears to be a fifth straight losing season.  All of this has labeled him by one major New York newspaper as “the most hated man in New York”. 

Scene 2: “I Wanna Be a GM”…….......…Isaiah Thomas (general manger)

Now it would not be fair to lay all the blame on Mr. Dolan.  Honestly, Jim Dolan made only one mistake in my judgment and that was hiring Isaiah.  Midas he’s not.  His penchant for overpaid, mediocre, ‘tweeners is truly extraordinary: Antonio Davis, Malik Rose, Maurice Taylor, Jackie Butler, not to mention Mike Sweetney, Othello Harrington, Vin Baker and Nazar Mohammed who are no longer with the team.  I wish I was 6’10”, slow, and had no game because I know that as long as Isaiah was a GM in the league I would be employed!  Lets not forget about Jamal Crawford and his 7 year $56 million dollar deal.  It will be a long time before the Knicks can escape from the mountain of second-rate talent and huge contracts that Isaiah has accumulated.

Scene 3: “Lord of Broadway”…………...………Byron Scott (head coach)

You would think bringing your team to consecutive NBA finals would provide you with some job security.  Not so with Byron Scott.  Scott very might well be an adequate head coach in the future, but right now he has reputation of being an outspoken disciplinarian except when it applies to himself.  (Rumor has it that after Hurricane Katrina, rescue teams where certain not to check the Hornets game-film room since the chance of anybody being there was extremely slim).  Scott needs to improve upon his effort and stop acting like it is his inherant right to be a head coach in the NBA. With an attitude like this you won’t get the most out of your players.  Just ask the floundering ‘04 N.J. Nets; the day after Scott was fired they rolled off thirteen consecutive wins.

Scene 4: “In Old Nigeria”……………………Michael Olowokandi (center)

My mother told me never to take Kandi from a stranger –now I know why.  At 7’0” 270 lbs. and a former number one draft pick you would think Olowokandi would been a GM’s dream, but unfortunately he has never been that menacing presence most touted him to be.  He is far from the worst player on this list and is more a victim of the hype and his own brash comments, but like his predecessors –Joe Barry Carol, Sam Bowie, Benoit Benjamin -he is destined to be a NBA journeyman that will always wear the label of untapped potential.  Olowokandi plays the game with a passionate indifference and this is why he has landed on the All-Dud Team.

ACT TWO

Scene 1: “Little Old Lady”……….....……Antoine Walker (power forward)

If there was an All-Dud league Antoine Walker may be the number one pick in the draft. His Tommy Gun style approach to the game of shooting often and erratically could even make Al Capone shy away.  Over his career he has averaged 18.5 heaves a game with a less than stellar .414 FG percentage from the power forward position no less. You would hope with numbers like that Antione would take a few more to the hole and draw some fouls.  Well with a .539 clip from the line the last three years this could explain why this might not be such a good idea either. Sprinkle in some lethargic defense and a $14.6 million/year contract and you can see why Antione should have a staring role in this show.

Scene 2: “Keep it NCAA”…....……….Mike Dunleavy Jr. (small forward)

I’m confident Mike Krzyewski is going to make the U.S. proud at the next Olympics because he gets the most out of his players.  Case and point Mike Dunleavy.  Every team needs a healthy mix of veterans and youth and that is why Dunleavy has made my list.  He will no doubt provide Danny Ferryesque play for years to come.  If Dunleavy was a late first round pick without a five year $44 million contract I may cut him some slack, but I expect more from this number three pick.  This is Dunleavy’s fourth year in the league and he appears to be regressing with a .392 FG percentage along with a .257 from three point land.  He plays over 31 minutes a game yet can’t muster 10 points on an average night.  That would be fine if your name was Ben Wallace, but when the rest of your game is lacking you better be knocking down threes like it’s your job.  Oh right, that is his job -well not for long if he continues his current play.

Scene 3:  “That Face”………….……………Jalen Rose (shooting guard)

They say every Rose has its thorns –unfortunately Jalen has more than his share.  Rose has given up on his Toronto teammates and would have been traded by now, but unfortunately for Toronto there are 14.6 million reasons why this might not happen any time soon.  He is shooting .344 from the filed and averaging under 10 points a game along with a paltry .212 for behind the arc.  He even forgot how to dish the ball registering only 2.5 assists per game.  I understand he’s playing for a poorly run organization that is going nowhere, but Jalen you are still getting paid $14.6 million a year to play basketball, so you get little sympathy from me.

Scene 4: “Springtime for Stephon”…....…Stephon Marbury (point guard)

It is essential that every All-Dud team has a selfish, vain, malcontent point guard to lead his team to ruins.  I cannot think of anyone better for this position than Stephon Marbury.  Every team that the self-proclaimed “Starbury” (tattooed on his arm) has graced with his presence has been for the worse.  There is no question his career numbers are impressive (20.5 points/game, 8.2 assists/game), but what is truly remarkable is how the teams dramatically improves the year after he departs. The Minnesota Timberwolves went from a .500 team to .610 winning percentage, N.J. Nets went from 26-56 to 52-30 and the Phoenix Suns improved from 29-53 to 62-20.  Both the Nets and the Suns went from 6^th to 1^st in their respective divisions the year after the dubious point guard was absent.  To be honest I can care less if general mangers all over the league continue to get fooled by Marbury, but I did take it personally when he brought home the bronze from the Olympics in Greece.  Best of luck Larry.

                                            
  CURTAIN CALL

Analyzing this cast of characters I smell something, but it’s definitely not a Tony.  We have a starting five with a yearly salary of just under $60 million, a combined FG percentage .432, an apathetic approach to defense and overall negative disposition.  There are no doubt lesser talents in the NBA, but dollar for dollar and pound for pound you will not see much worse.  If you have any suggestions for a sixth-man for the All-Dud Team do tell.  Kwame, are you available???

My intentions are not to alarm anyone, but it appears to me in the last 25 years pop culture and professional sports have conveniently blended together to create a complimentary affect that has no doubt benefited both industries.  Unbeknownst to the common man our nation’s athletes/celebrities/icons have been secretly cloned and strategically placed throughout our society to generate this positive synergy –sometimes successfully and sometimes not.  By duplicating the DNA of the most vivacious, charismatic, fascinating and driven individuals that world has to offer these sadistic scientist have attempted to manufacture a super race that would falsely entertain and amuse the public until eternity.  I am confident that I have uncovered of few of these “science projects” (scroll below), but I realize that I am only one and require the assistance of the people. 

Please, we must work together or we will all be doomed to an existence of repetitive and cyclical entertainment -if not for you think of your children.  Feel free to name any other ECs (entertainment clones) that you might suspect.

Overall Redenbacher & Peter Gammons          

Vincent Schiavelli (Mr. Hector Vargas Fast Times) & Jeff Van Gundy

Oldie but goodie: Ron Jeremy & Stan Van Gundy

Charles Manson & Johnny Damon

Rodney Dangerfiled (Al Czervik Caddyshack) & John Madden

E.T. & Sam Cassel

Isaac (The Love Boat) & Fred Smoot (CB Minnesota Vickings) -Alright not too much of a resmeblance, but I couldn't resist after the recent events.

Pablo Escobar & Rafael Palmeiro

Howard Stern & Randy Johnson

  Brad Pitt & Chris Rose - well close enough.

Just imagine how the world would be different if the new Miami Heat head coach, Pat Riley, ruled the land as he has ruled the Heat franchise.  Mr. Riley has proven himself as a capable leader in the past, but there is no doubt that the history books would have to be rewritten due to the self-serving decisions he would have made.

Today’s children would learn about the great General Riley and how on the night of December 25, 1776 he crossed the icy Delaware River displaying little regard for his pair of Bruno Maglis with his band of shabby troops to defeat the bewildered Hessians and change the direction of the American Revolutionary War.  Or they might even read about the brave and tenacious Sioux Indian Chief, Sitting Laker er Bull-Riley, and how he defeated Colonel Custard at his last stand.  And maybe just maybe the children of today would study about the 1980 presidential election and how good-looking candidate from Southern California defeated the peanut farmer from Georgia, which was the start of the “Riley Revolution” in American politics. 

This does not suggest that Pat Riley and the Heat are a lock for the NBA Finals, if he leads the team to its first NBA title he should be commended, but recently Riley has displayed a pattern of less than tactful timing.  Riley quit on this team in the beginning of the ‘03-‘04 season after a woeful 25 wins the previous year.  At that time Stan Van Gundy was thrown into the fire and immediately changed Miami’s losing ways.  Van Gundy accumulated a record of 112-72 in his two-plus seasons, reached the 2^nd round of the playoffs in ‘04 and was a game away from going to the finals with a battered team last year.  Van Gundy has done an admirable job this season without his star player only to be removed so that Riley can step in on the eve of the return of Shaquille O’Neal.  Couldn’t Riley at least wait until the All-Star break?  Well that would have been too great of a risk, because if the team’s record was what it should be with Shaq the move would be a bit too transparent.  Stan Van Gundy deserves better than this.

If Riley really did rule the land I’m confident our children would never learn about President Riley and his Watergate cover-up, but they certainly would read about the great French Saint Stan of Arc.