The dazed, confused, and overweight spectacle that is Shaquille O'Neal was hoping to revive his sordid and rundown rapping career by mocking Kobe Bryant, the Lakers, Patrick Ewing, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar during his freestyle performance at a NYC nightclub this past weekend, adding another chapter to the ultra-famous Kobe-Shaq feud of yesteryear.

For Shaquille, this was great for entertainment. It was even more impressive for attention. For bloggers, this is grand.

Strikingly reminiscent of Tupac Shakur's Hit 'Em Up, wherein the late poetical lyricist trashed his ultimate rival Biggie Smallz, Diddy, and the rest of his east coast counterparts, O'Neal is becoming more g-h-e-t-t-o fabulous by the minute. Some will call it gangsta. I call it a desperation act.

So today, after having lunch with Mamba, I asked him if he was going to let this slip by the wayside. I asked him if he was going to allow O'Neal to mock him and Kareem just like that. Kobe was hesitant, reiterating how much this is being blown out of proportion. 

Plus, "I'm not a rapper," he said. "I do real music. I play instruments. All Shaq does is recite poems."  

So I told Kobe, "Here brother, have another drink."

Thirty minutes later, we arrived at my music studio. An hour after that, we drank "20 shots" just as Kobe had wanted. And 15 minutes after that, I put on an instrumental version of Hit 'Em Up.

"Remember when 2Pac did this?" I asked Mamba.

"Yeah," he replied. "This was the s-h-!-t back in the day "

"It's your turn now," I said resoundingly. "You're the MVP. Don't ever let a chump talk to you like you're his b-!-t-c-h."

At that point, it seemed as if I had ignited a fire under Kobe. He had this look of ferocity I had never seen before. Not even in the NBA Finals did Kobe look this vicious and intense.

"Okay, one more shot," Kobe demanded.

Here are the unedited lyrics that Bryant fired off. While he was on the mic, I was busy throwing elbows and roundhouses at the life-size picture of Shaq in a Suns uniform which I pinned on the punching bag inside my garage.

Enjoy, and tell 'em all what it tastes like.

I get off when I want

so I tell you how it be

you can't even stay wit a woman

let alone be like me

you're all about the cash

can't win without Flash

callin' me a clown and a joke

ha ha ha

wannabe Tone Loc

Big Bustin' wit Steel

never get anotha movie deal

Big Floppin' wit Kazaam

took the money like thank you ma'am

Blue Chips was weak

yo' future is bleak

hopeless and miserable

better go fix yo' knee

you ain't even top ten

yet you mock Pat and Cap

talk smack, spit c-r-a-p

20 kids on yo' lap

divorced wit no woman

and u still can't rap

Your badge just got copped

like Shaunie got popped

Train her with a trainer

She'd leave you for Desagana Diop

so if it sounds like s-h-!-t

then you know he ain't legit

like against the Spurs

when Fatburger quit

Get outrebounded by Oberto

got stats like Mihm

get outhustled by Kurt Thomas

No longer grabbin' rim

HOOK

so I tell you how it be

Shaq got exiled from Miami

so I tell you how it be

you got dumped by Pat Riley

let me tell you how it be

Shaq gotta hate on me

to get on tv

and rap fo' free

End HOOK

Spit at me

I spit at you

Pretendin' to be cool

Yet you the fool

can't jump

can't move

can't shoot a lick

better inbound tha rock

before you put up anotha brick

I'll give you a mil

to pay off the rest

cuz you need it dawg

your broke with no bulletproof vest

yo' time is up

you tastin' last place

I get off whenever I want

now tell me how my nut tastes!

Repeat HOOK 2x to fade

Afterwards as Kobe got in his Aston Martin, he talked about how he couldn't wait to face the Suns next year.

In fact, he promised to dunk over O'Neal as well as give Andrew Bynum plenty of opportunities and shot attempts to humiliate the Big Hater. And once Bryant gets that one perfect opening in the middle of the lane to throw one down on the sumo wrestler, he's literally going to make him taste his ####. It'll be the hottest selling poster ever made.