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AROMALICIOUS
by: HootieZ

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COSITA ROSITA MARIA ROZALES BLOGITA EL PUDO: Smile, you’re famous!
Jul 13, 2006 | 12:07PM | report this

Here I thought my work was done! I had some fun with futbol, ripped some fans, ripped the sport, and had a great time in doing so. Yet sometimes the best lessons learned are gleaned from experiences and the words of others. I had planned to retire, but then came COSITA. Then came the most ignorant blog that I have ever read (given the knowledge that I am the King of Kings when it comes to the ignorant blog, I should have the best perspective). 100 comments and counting, this is quite an impressive number considering the amount of patience it takes to read through words like “seing, toof, perfussly, and Argentian. I even learned a new word galore (goal)! Excellent. It also seems that Italy was not worthy to win the Cup. Whatever. Somebody had to win, and given the obligatory 3 hours needed, Italy eventually did win.

It’s bad enough that many of us US bloggers rip the Worlds’ Sport, but when a soccer blogger bashes another team for diving, celebrating, and taking off their pants, well, she’s gone just a little too far. I find it ironic that I could appreciate the efforts given by all teams and the endurance of the players, but my new Soccer Mamma could not. Note: It is much easier to view the games with your head extracted from your colon!

I’ve made a list of things for the furry one to do for the next 4 years, I like lists.

- Let your armpit hair grow and give it the Bob Marley Treatment, in 2008 you can dye it the colors of your team.

- Make a personal statement….Don’t shave the beard.

- Read a book…English Writing for 5 year olds, Stupidity Can Be Cured With a Lobotomy, Why living in a country shaped like a boot is better than being an ####, and Headbutting vs Sucker Punching by Michael Barrett.

- Come to America, watch a kids soccer game and #### along with the rest of the parents

- Go to McDonalds, ask for the Happy Meal for Idiots, stuff your Pie-hole with as many McNuggets as possible and then speak to someone about soccer who gives a ####.

Dearest ~~COSTCO~~, ROSITA, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Bye Bye.

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categories: NFL, World Cup

You all must be so F’n proud of The World’s Sport! The Last of the Hootie Papers.
Jul 10, 2006 | 2:24PM | report this

Soccer is the sport of the World and those of us in the US of A don’t get it, don’t understand it, don’t enjoy, don’t care. We are ignorant and arrogant and blind to the greatness of football. Canadians, I open my arms to let you into our tight-knit community of stupidity.

I am sure that I have complete awareness and understanding of what occurred on Sunday July 9^th, 2006. Actually two things occurred: The final Western Open (held at Cog Hill in Lemont, Illinois) was late in airing due to a scheduling conflict, and Italy won the World Cup (by default).

I must digress because I am a fan of Sports. I shall list those I like, and those I don’t watch.

Those I enjoy:

- All things American Football….High school through the pros, AFL, CFL, and the Turkey Bowl in the back yard. Basketball. Baseball…Including softball and 16 inch softball (Chitown favorite). Bowling. Golf. Tennis (Women’s if grunting and gratuitous butt-shots are involved). Women’s Beach Volleyball - see above reasoning. Karate. Hockey. Professional Wraslin’. Rugby. Australian Rules Football. Hotdog Eating Contests (preferably like the one Pam Anderson was in with Tommy Lee). 10 minutes of any Soccer game (10 minutes is what my current record is for viewing).

Bad Sports that I won’t, can’t and still won’t watch:

- Cricket. Women’s power lifting (a “female” with a “package”?). Sports involving cars making only left turns. Badminton (how did the ‘Shuttlecock’ get its’ name?). Poker (prove to me that some lard-#### saying “all in” is a sport). Any sport with the word “diving” in it (well, almost any sport). Sumo wrestling (just not cool seeing that much butt on anyone. Wrong, just wrong). Synchronized swimming and Rhythmic gymnastics (just too friggin’ lame). Natural Bodybuilding (how do we really know it's natural when HGH can’t be tested?).

Now that I have given my sports’ vantage point, back to the post.

What in the hell happened on Sunday? The Sport ends in a tie! The winner is decided by Penalty Kicks. Soccer fans across the globe have the audacity to cry that the best team did not win. How would anyone know who the best teams were? Penalty Kicks, what an absolute joke. That is like the winner of the Superbowl being decided by a field goal competition. The winner of the World Series being decided by a home run hitting contest. The winner of the NBA Finals being decided by a free throw shooting contest. Frankly, the way the World Cup ended was a joke, a sham, a mockery, a CuzuseditfirstShamockery! What America learned about futbol over the past month was the following:

- your officials suck

- your fans will riot for the colors of the opponents’ flag

- diving is part of the game

- yellow cards are the equivalent to “Jorge, please don’t bother that chap”.

- A world championship that comes along every four years means squat.

- Head Butting is an art. Never seen anyone fall after being head butted in the chest.

- Men wear silk shorts in public?

Please World, keep your sport, its’ rules, its’ fans. In turn, you can keep on stuffing your pie holes with McNuggets, Big Macs, Filet-o-smellslikefish, and we’ll throw in a few White Castle Sliders (Eat at least a dozen and then go to church). Tell us how much you hate us and then watch a few of our movies, listen to some Madonna, Yanni, and John Tesch. Call us in four years, maybe we'll play Penalty Kick again.

I’d thank you for the experience, but my NFL-we’re number one pointing-nose pickin’-butt scratching-fig pouch jiggling’ hand is busy giving you the finger.

That is officially all for HootieZ. Thanks for reading.

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categories: NFL, World Cup, MLB, Women's Sports

Did someone say Spermicide? It's too late!
Jul 07, 2006 | 11:39AM | report this

Dearly beloved we are all here to pay our last respects to the Cub Nation that once was. It seems the rats have all fled the ship and what we are left with is Ivy! Say it with me, Ivy. We are left with Waveland, let me hear it from ya, Waveland! Sheffield! Scoreboard! We are left with a shell of once was! Like so many others that have come and gone, we are left with few options. Let us peruse those options. Some we can use, and some which others have chosen to pursue.

Brewicide: Killing yourself after getting swept by Milwaukee and being shutout for 3 consecutive games

RedWhiteandBlueicide: When you’ve bought Jerseys of Sammy Sosa, Kerry Wood, Greg Maddox, and Nomar Garciaparra over the last 5 years.

JDDrewicide: When you’re the GM of the Dodgers and you realize that you are paying $8million more for your right fielder than the Cardinals are paying theirs.

StLouiside: Already happening in Missouri. Cardinal fans are watching their team lose and the Brewers creeping in on uncharted waters.

TonyLaruicide: See Above.

JorgeCantuicide: $1Million. That’s how much you would make if you played in the House that Ruth built vs. the House that Circus Circus built.

Babaluicide: Given the choice between watching a full season of Cubs, Pirates, Royals, or I Love Lucy.

YabaDabaDooicide: MLB Players who once looked like Fred or Bam Bam during the apex of steroid use, now looking like Juan Pierre.

Cementshoeicide: Isaiah Thomas’ fate if he can’t convince Curry, Crawford and Francis that they can play like Duncan, Nash and Parker vs. Moe, Larry and Curly.

Ive-a-got-a-onemoregoalthanyouicide: France’s World Cup fate after Italians score game’s only goal in 93^rd minute. French goal keeper rumored to have fallen for “look you dropped your testicle” trick.

Iglooicide: Thousands of Packer fans mourn the end of Brett Favre’s career by holding an all night candle vigil inside of Deweys’ Fish Fry and Home Décor. Fans don’t realize that Deweys is made of ice and that thousands of flatulent fans, all in one place, can cause spontaneous combustion.

MyNutsareturningaquablueicide: Chris Benson found in motel with Don Zimmer. Anna ends marriage and vows to make a man out of Clay Aikin.

Mygirlfriendwillgodownonyouicide: LPGA golfer Pat Hurst after being informed that she will face Natalie Gulbis in match play.

2 more days……..just 2 more days!

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categories: NFL, MLB, NBA, grunting on grass

3 Days Until The Return of Smoke......Cubbies, thanks for the Memories, you blow like the wind!
Jul 06, 2006 | 11:44AM | report this

Only 3 days for me to rant and rave like a lunatic. Only 3 days left for me to bash with the hammer of Thor those who I deem pathetic and weak. Only 3 days left until the return of my conscience and my "politically correct" babbling. 3 Days left until the World Cup Soccerfootballfutbolfifadifadoopileodogdoo is finally over. Today, I present some of the highlights in Chicago Cubs history. They are my first target!

“Mem'ries, Light the corners of my mind Misty water-#### memories of the way we were..”

….August 14, 1969

The Chicago Cubs lead the St. Louis Cardinals by 8 ½ games and the Mets by 9 ½. By August 27^th, the lead was 2 games. The Mets would finish the season by winning 23 of 30, while the Cub would win 8 of 25. The Mets go on to win the World Series.

“Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet what's too painful to remember we simply choose to forget..”

….July 4^th 1973, The Curse of the Goat is lifted

Socrates the goat and descendant of the Evil Goat known as Murphy, arrives at Wrigley Field in a red limo…Socrates wears a sign saying, “All is forgiven, Let me lead the Cubs to the Pennant”. The goat is once again denied entry and the Cubs who lead the division by 8 games, lose 16 of the next 20.

“Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind                    Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were..”

….October 14, 2003, Hello Bartman!

The Cub lead the Marlins in NL Championship Series 3 games to love. 5 outs left in the game, nobody on base and Mark Prior having his way with the Fishes……Zoinks….Yes, I said “Zoinks”.

Luis Castillo hit a Prior fastball along the left field line. Moises Alou made an attempt to catch the ball near the stands and then it happened! Steve Bartman, who some say was a Packers fan, knocked the ball off of its’ trajectory and out of Alou’s grip. Steve Bartman, who was looking apparently looking for his testicles, was unaware that he had brought back the Curse of the Goat. This re-curing Curse would ensure the following: Castillo would go on to walk that at-bat, a few more hits, an error by Cub shortstop Alex Gonzalez, a complete collapse that inning which left the Cubs trailing 8-3, and the Cubs going on to lose Game 7 the next day.

“Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written very line?
                                         If we had the chance to do it all again tell me, would we? Could we?”

Ozzie’s tirades may be good, but there will never be another Lee Elia!

….April 29, 1983, Lee Elia gets a little miffed at the fans

“F--- those buskin' fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you rippin' every f---ing thing you do. I'll tell you one f---in' thing, I hope we get f---in' hotter than sh--, just to stuff it up them 3,000 f---in' people that show up every f---in day, because if they're the real Chicago f---in' fans, they can kiss my f---in' a-s right downtown and PRINT IT.”

“They're really, really behind you around here... my f--kin' a-s. What the f--k am I supposed to do, go out there and let my f--kin' players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the f--kin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The motherf--kers don't even work. That's why they're out at the f--kin' game. They oughta go out and get a f--kin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a f--kin' living.”

“Eighty-five percent of the f--kin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f--kin' playground for the cork soakers. Rip them motherf--kers. Rip them f--kin' cork soakers like the f--kin' players.”

Dear Cubbies, I want to thank you for the memories, all of them. As for my tickets for the Phillies v Cubs on August 23^rd, I’ll be finding another use for them. As for what I’ll be doing instead of watch the game, maybe I’ll watch a replay of the World Cup Final, or go North to Watch the Packers practice for their upcoming 4-12 season. I have an idea, let's pay some nimrod $4 million to sit on the bench, chew a toothpick, and respond to reporters after the game with gems like this one..." "I couldn't even see the play," he said. "From our dugout [I] can't see home plate. I can't see first base. I can't see second." First of all, it really is necessary to remove your head from your #### before the game. Secondly, you're an ####.

Sincerely, HootieZ

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categories: MLB, Chicago Cubs

Ruining the hopes of one Soccer Fan..... My first actual Web log.
Jul 05, 2006 | 12:20PM | report this

I have written many things on many different topics and this post could have gone that way. With so many things going on in the sports-universe and elsewhere, it was truly difficult to "pull in the reins". After all, the Tribe did give Sir George an interesting birthday present, Wimbledon had it's annual Grunt-a-thon, Rosie O'Donell lost to Annika after a play-off round, NASA decided to send the Space Shuttle into the great unknown with a "minor crack" near the fuel tank, and Kyum Sum Yun Gye decided to launch a few missiles into Japans' pool. While North Korea was peeing on Japan, I had to relieve myself as well. Call it a little extra World Cup Luggage. What I am left with is this, my first actual web log. If anyone gets offended....get a grip on something above your waist!

Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Wind blows out, Cub pitches to Sox, Bat goes boom, Ball goes out of the Friendly Confines. Sox win on Friday. Sox win on Saturday, AJ hit’s a three-run bomb in the top-o-the-ninth with 2 strikes and 2 outs. Cubs lose. Wind blows and so do the Cubs. Sunday the Cub outscore Sox by a Safety and a Field Goal. Sidenote: unruly Cub fans throw debris onto field post-loss. I’m guessing that they weren’t upset at the outcome, just that they have already seen that movie before.

Saturday continued…..Took wife and daughter to see the new Classic-to-be “Cars”. For animation, I give it 5 stars (or 5 fingers), for a frickin movie about talking cars that lasted 117 minutes and I shall give it 1 star (or 1 finger). Guess which finger is the one I’m giving? Watched fireworks from the loft. The Kane County Cougars (Minor league baseball team) puts on one heck of a light show! Oohs and Ahhs were plentiful, they just weren’t coming from the loft.

Monday: Worked. You know how many idiots want to have their cars repaired on the day before a holiday? My best guess is that it equals the number of MSL fans in England.

Monday continued….Went to a local parade, daughter received mucho candy from strangers dressed up as Politicians. She got Jolly Ranchers, I wanted a tax credit. I lost. Why is it that the only time a Politician dresses in jeans is when he/she needs a vote from us “common folk” or is looking for a hooker? Followed up parade at good restaurant with ####-poor service. Note: complaining to the host is fruitless when host is fruit-ful.

Bulls fans receive news that Ben Wallace is more than happy to become a Bull. In honor of Ben’s physical prowess, Benny the Bull (mascot for the hetero-challenged) gets arrested for altercation with local law enforcement. Note: Bulls must trade Tyson Chandler for power forward that weighs more than 200lbs, knows what the hoop looks like, and won’t foul out in 10 minutes or less.

Tuesday, the 4^th of July

Went to breakfast with in-laws to local Bfast joint. A bad restaurant with good service, go figure! Came home to find out that Italy was in the midst of a marathon game of Parcheesi with Germany. So naturally, I went out and de-####ed the lawn, mowed it, missed a few nuggets-o-joy, came back in to find………..after 90 minutes, no one had scored yet. Here I was worried that I had missed something. Following the yard festivities, we went to a friends’ house for dinner and more fireworks. A good time was had by all until I met him! Him is an eleven year old boy. It seems that this pre-teen has an affinity for Soccer played outside of the US of A. He was not too-favorably suprised to find out that his beloved club (Manchester United) is owned by Tampa Bay Buccaneer owner Malcolm Glazer. Goaaaaaal Goaaaaaaaal! He shoots he scores. The end result, HootieZ destroys hopes and dreams of soccer ever becoming a favorite American sport for one child…..The good news, there are more impressionable minds eagerly awaiting my Soccer knowledge.

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categories: NFL, SOCCER, MLB, NBA, Grunting on grass, Goaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllll
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HootieZ Censored: Makes comment on why Italy Will beat Ukraine
Jun 30, 2006 | 8:18AM | report this

Bloggers, do yourselves a favor and don’t delete comments because the opinion is contrary to yours. I responded to a somewhat popular post 10 reasons why Ukraine will beat Italy on Friday, June 30^th. The fact that I would even respond to such a post is beyond me. Ask me why and I say “I don’t know”, but just as I was about to ignore this fairly benign post, it all came flooding into my mind…..I may not know Soccer, but I do know some Italians (mainly my father). I do know pasta, gnocchi, garlic bread, the Italian horn, and many other things Italian.

Upon the coward’s review of my comment, I was given this response…..

"HootieZ - your post was deleted because it was too offensive and insulting. You may repost but only your Jerry Lewis and 'sauce' comments will pass the censors."

This Blogger claims in his bio “I am not an Italian American but I do have a unique insight to soccer.” I also have a unique insight as well. The World Cup has provided great humor and joy to the Foxsportsblogdom that has been missing since the end of the Football Season. Soccer makes me laugh. I’m still waiting for someone to tell me which team’s fans riot harder, the winner or the loser?

Hence my response that was so rudely deleted

Reasons Italy will win:

- Mothers of Italian players have more facial hair than Ukranian team members.
- Italian goalkeeper sneaks into Ukrainian locker room and puts Peter Shrager Sauce into opponents soccer cleats
- Italy gets special Papal Blessing which ensures all Italian soccer players' feet will not actually touch the ground.
- Mafia informs Ukrainian head coach that he will "sleep with da fishes" if his team scores
- Italy has hired Jerry Lewis for acting lessons, giving them a higher insight on taking a fall.

Plus a few additions

- Goalkeeper for Italy uses his Italian Horn to deflate ball after Ukrainian free kick

- Fans start chanting “Mama Mia”, which sends Ukranian team into an Abba incited dancing frenzy. Ukrainians dig Abba and are particularly fond of the songs “Dancing Queen” and “Waterloo”.

- Ukranian cheerleader distract team by starting impromptu friction-fire with their hairy legs

Update on the Cowardly Blogger: A response was given to my comment.......

"You post was offensive not to the Ukrainian side but you mocked Italian mothers, Italian religious beliefs and alleged organized crime elements. These posts could be funny or serious but they shouldn't deteriorate to that.

And it's not on a whim. When one starts a blog one has the responsibility to keep it within the rules."

To that response, I shall take the high road......Blow Me!

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categories: NFL, SOCCER

A Little List of Things That Could Occupy My Time During the World Cup Finals
Jun 29, 2006 | 2:12PM | report this

I know that this may come off as another Soccer/Football/Futbol bashing, but it's not! Really! It's true. I hope you'll all bear with me as I write this because on occasion, I'm going to have to google some Soccer stuff. When the World Cup commences with its' final match on....sorry, googling........July 9th, I wonder what I'll be doing? You see, I have just a smidge under-zero-interest in who wins. It's not that I don't like futbol, it's just that there are a few things that are of a higher priority. Maybe I'll tune into CNN and determine the winner by seeing which country has the biggest riot. Maybe someone can help me on this one, does the winning country riot more or less than the losing country?

Onto the list.....

- Go to Milwaukee and watch my Cubbies get it handed to them in their other home park. Note: Brats in Cheeseland rock, but shouldn't the beer be less expensive in a Park owned by the beer company. Since the parking lot has Porta-potties, I won't have to search for a neighborhood lawn to relieve myself on. Brett Favre sucks! I taught my daughter to say that at the tender age of 2, it was cute then, not so cute at the age of 6. This year I may teach her something more classy, how about "Favre is French for ####"? I'll have to mull that one over in the upcoming days.

- Mow the lawn. I love to mow the lawn, search for weeds, pick up the dog #### and edge the sidewalk while getting tiny rocks sprayed onto my shins. A most excellent time, especially when you miss some #### and mow over it, aromalicious, a definite must try.

- Go to Church, thank God for my flaws, praise him for the good things, and ask for forgiveness (I offend more people on the Foxsports, than in my daily life. Sorry). Go have a fine breakfast at IHOP, preferably the Spanish Omelet (chili, cheese, sour cream and jalapenos). Sidenote: those little peppers will leave you alone until you are half-way to work the next morning, thank God for the Starbucks along the way! (Very clean rest-rooms)

- Watch the 2005 Dexter Tournament of Champions pre-recorded on DVR. Every see a riot at a bowling alley? I have! Some old woman named Marge stole a cigarette from another woman named Betty. Were they lovers you ask! No, just a few bowlers showing a little too much passion for the game. Soccer players should have bowling shoes incorporated into the uniforms. If the goalies don’t have to match the team, then the shoes don’t have to match the outfit.

- Wimbledon (the Women). Nothing better than watching Sharapova’s butt while listening to her grunt. Big Screen, beer and a samwich (not a typo). Grunt for me baby! Would it be rude of me to say that I would rather watch her forehand a #### or #### a forehand?

- Brush the dog. I have a Golden Retriever (Hootie) that sheds year round. I despise brushing him as much as he despises my wife for making me do it. If everything goes right, however, it’ll be a windy day and we’ll play the game “Let’s see how many neighbors have their windows open and how much hair can we get in their houses” or “how far did the fuzz fly”. Note: dogs know who their buddy is. I am his buddy, and my wife is his master. Hootie doesn’t “break wind” by his buddys’ side of the bed.

- Help with the laundry! I live for this stuff. Sort, wash, dry, fold, put away! Then do it 7 or 8 more times, yay! Guys, remember that if you don’t wash your own clothes, skid marks can be embarrassing.

I encourage all non-soccer fans to make their own lists and give me a few other things to do.

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categories: NFL, SOCCER, Bowling, dog ####

Vat Ees dis Cowbell? Cowbell is a metaphor for life and sports!
Jun 27, 2006 | 10:38AM | report this

When is a cowbell not the cowbell? These is one of life’s great questions that must be answered today, here and now.

The first cowbells came into use as an aid in identifying which cow belonged to which cow herder. As various cows would move from place to place, the “herdsman” could find his cow. “Greek herdsmen often used several bells attached to principal animals which produce a distinctive chord. The scale on which this chord is based is then reproduced in the herdsman's pipe - so he can play along with the herd.” It is believed that the origin of the song, Don’t Fear the Reaper, came from Greeks paying homage to their god, Blueoystercultamedes (the Greek god of cowbell).

Through the centuries the cowbell has evolved into a proud and integral member of the percussion family. It’s use in song has been a mainstay, and many famous song invoke the name Blueoystercultamedes to provide good luck in the song played. What would the songs Welcome to the Jungle-GnR, You Aint Seen Nothin Yet-BTO, A Hard Days Night/Drive My Car-Beatles, Owner of a Lonely Heart-Yes, and Loverboy’s Working for the Weekend, have been without the cowbell? They would have all been B Sides on their recordings, they would have been nothing. Proof of the cowbell is shown with the Police’s Message in a Bottle. This 1979 song is very similar, in guitar riffs and the guitar solo, to the 1976 Blue Oyster Cult hit Don’t Fear the Reaper. While the Police tune was successful, it did not have the staying power of the BOC tune. Why you ask? No cowbell!

So, the use of the cowbell has been ever-present in our global society, yet it had hidden just below the surface for years until a 2000 Saturday Night Live skit featuring Christopher Walken reintroduced us all to the beloved instrument. April 9, 2000 the cowbell returned and was given a new lease on life. The cowbell was no longer just a metal bell to be struck upon by a drumstick, the cowbell was now a metaphor for life!

Enter Christopher Walken as record producer Dickinson, who “puts his pants on one leg at a time, then I make gold records.” This is what followed:

"That was gonna be a great track," Dickinson says. "Guys, what's the deal?"

"Are you sure that was sounding okay?" Bloom asks.

"I'll be honest ... fellas, it was sounding great," Dickinson replies. "But ... I could've used a little more cowbell. So ... let's take it again. And, Gene ... really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really ... explore the space. I like what I'm hearing."

The group gives it another try, but Bloom again is distracted by the cowbell. Guitarist Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (Horatio Sanz) agrees. They give it one more shot, but Frenkle ####s the cowbell next to Bloom's ear.

From there, it goes back and forth, until Dickinson proclaims,

"Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription ... is MORE COWBELL!"

So what is cowbell? Cowbell is that thing that lingers behind the main picture, it is the aroma with the entrée, it is the utility player that needs a chance to shine, it is that good quality that most of us have which we all need to show more often. It is cowbell! When you are good at something, cowbell is the edge needed for greatness.

Who could use more cowbell? Phil on the 18th hole, Roger Clemens, Payton Manning, the Dallas Mavericks, and anyone on the cusp of achievement. Those who have lost their cowbell: Brett Favre, Greg Maddox, Frank Thomas, Daunte Culpepper and Isaiah Thomas. Those who never had cowbell: Dave Wanstedt, #### Jauron, Dusty Baker, Moses Malone, Charles Barkley, Mike Tyson, and Jack Haley.

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categories: NFL, MLB, NBA, SOCCER

We didn't choose football, football chose us.
Jun 21, 2006 | 12:02PM | report this

I choose to love this game, Football! Say it, speak it, feel it. For some of us it began in a back-yard located somewhere near Main Street and Maple. For others, it began while we were sitting on grandpa’s lap. Wherever and whenever it began, the point is that it became part of our lives. Football for me began on November 20, 1977 when Walter Payton rushed for 275 yards on 40 carries while fighting the flu. All 5ft 10 inch 210 lbs of grace, power, speed and heart, setting a then- NFL record against the Minnesota Vikings at Soldier Field. The passion of the fans, the heart of the players and the love of the game, this is what it was all about. Nowadays you could also insert the words greed and money, but the same could be said for nearly all professional sports. It continued from there in 1980 when I first suited up for a freshman game. Every August from then until now, the aroma of that field where I first played the game, comes back. The brain has a wonderful way of bringing back memories through the senses. Many caught the fever in college with tail-gating and pre-game parties, many just got hooked on it by virtue of our spouses. The fact remains that it is our sport and we keep that love very close to the vest.

“When I first started playing football in high school, I thought football was a license to beat on other kids without getting into trouble. Then came my sophomore year. Mr. Charles White, English Teacher/Football Coach. Coach White would routinely fluster the assistant coaches by taking his team of 60 young men on a "nature walk" instead of laps, wind-sprints, and/or down-ups. These "nature walks" were really 20 minute sessions with Coach White using football as a metaphor for life. Coach White taught us that any goal can be achieve with hard work, the proper attitude, and teamwork. He also taught us that in life, no one gives you anything and no one owes you anything. End result, we went 9-1 and 60 young men grew up.”

The above is from one of my previous posts. I hope the point is well-taken.

So when one of the Ignorant, Angry, Arrogant Americans decide to bash another sport and you decide to bash ours. Blame it on love for the game.

Ignorance has many sides and all of them are blind.

Just a little post to try and get over all the jabs, swearing, name-calling and bashing that has been going on since the onset of the World Cup. I am as much a part of it, maybe a lot of it, as anyone else. My deepest apologies to those that I have intentionally offended! Should anyone choose not to accept my apology, so be it. My only recourse would be...game on.

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categories: NFL, SOCCER

I’d Clap but My Other Hand is Giving You the Finger: My Quandry with "Soccer/Futbol"
Jun 16, 2006 | 8:21AM | report this

There is one comment that keeps on hitting me squarely in the head, in reference to American Football vs. futbol/soccer and the opinion that the NFL is American only. I must quote someone (Foxsports Commenter/Sniper) who seems to have broken their SHIFT KEY.

"CONCLUSION: MOST AMERICANS HATE SOCCER BECAUSE THEY'RE SIMPLY NOT GOOD AT IT. THEY'D RATHER PLAY AMERICAN FOOTBALL WHICH IS CALLED THAT BECAUSE AMERICAN PEOPLE PLAY IT ONLY AND THAT IT SHOULDN'T BE CALLED FOOTBALL IT SHOULD BE CALLED HANDBALL, COMMON YOU BARELY USE YOUR FEET."

My response is simply this....

Hey ignorant jag-load, the actual name for American Football is FOOTBALL. Handball is what John Kruk plays, Pocket Pinball is what soccer fans do for 89 minutes of the game. Your version is called SOCCER.

Super Bowl XL had a 1 Billion television audience world frickin' wide. In the US, 130 million watched the game. How Global is 1 Billion? I'll give you the info in terms that you can understand. 1 Billion equals the number of McDonald's Big Macs Europe stuffs down it's collective pie-hole in one year!

American Football is a misnomer? Learn something about the history of the game. If we're arrogant, so be it. I'd rather be arrogant than IGNORANT. During the infancy of football, the only way to move the ball was by running, no passing allowed. Hence the name....football, let me spell it out for you, most humans run on their foots(intentional).

Note the use of the foots!

As I watch the highlights of the World Cup and marvel at the 1-0 games and ask the question "why are they adding time to the game?", I realize that a large percentage of goals are scored using one's head. Huh? What?

IN SOCCER, YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD! The goalie makes saves using any part of his body and throws the ball to clear the ball. Truly this is not "football". Calling Soccer, football/futbol may be the biggest misnomer of all.

Disclaimer: All views in the above post truly reflect my feelings about slanderous comments made towards "Americans" and what is perceived as "our" collective view of soccer. Soccer is a huge participatory sport in the US among the youth, however it's still trailing bowling by a huge margin. Chicks dig the shoes!

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categories: World Cup, SOCCER, NFL

*ATTENTION ALL NGSII FINALISTS: ADDITIONAL REQUIREMENTS ADDED*
May 25, 2006 | 11:41AM | report this

The Judges at FSIM and McDonalds have agreed to make the contest more like a fraternity. Like any good fraternity, we have decided to make it a little more difficult to be part of the “Family”.

Finalists, here are your additional requirements:

-In addition to your required Postings, you will also need to send us a photo of your spouse scantily clad.

-From here on out, all posts will start out with: My McNuggets are tasty because…..

-Please, please, please do not use words that we, the judges, may have to look up in the dictionary. Three to six letter words shall be allowed, words longer than six letters must be rounded off to the nearest letter.

-Before submittal of a new post, please view the Foxsports website. Any opinions contrary to the esteemed writers of said website shall not be eligible.

-Pictures, we like pictures. If you can work a gratuitous cleavage pic into a post, you shall be rewarded in the after-life with 80 Virgins, 40 Camels, and the American Idol Collection on DVD.

-From here on out, never, ever mention that country north of Minnesota. We, the judges at Foxsports.com, have a certain intolerance for people that breathe clean air, think for themselves and worst of all, speak French!

-Kiss our butts! We like that most of all! A little butt-kissing goes a long way, as does forwarding us some playpal cashola.

-Each one of you will be getting a subscription to Dime Magazine, you are required to sign up for 2 years. You do, however, get a 30% discount because Peter Schrager’s daughter has a contest at school to sell the most magazines.

-Each contestant shall go to McDonalds weekly until contest is over. We shall monitor your trips by using a relatively ingenious code-phrase. Go to drive-through window and ask for the four-piece McNugget Happy Meal with a toy for boys. Ask for the chocolate moo-juice, the special Shrager Sauce, and apples instead of fries. Upon receiving the package, say this phrase verbatim… “Thank you sir, may I have more nuggets”.

Good Luck to all!

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categories: NFL, MLB, NBA, SHOOTERB

Top 9 Reason You Weren't Eligible For NGS Part Deux
May 24, 2006 | 9:49AM | report this

(1) Eligibility: Submissions will be accepted from any legal resident of the continental United States, Alaska and Hawaii eighteen (18) years of age or older who have internet access as of April 23, 2006 (the "Submitters"). For immediate assistance please dial 1-888-SPA-NKIT. Employees, independent contractors, officers, and directors of FSIM and McDonalds, their respective parents, affiliates, subsidiaries, and legal advisors, and the immediate family members and persons living in the same household of such persons, are not eligible to participate in the NGS Call for Submissions. All Canadians suck from the teat of the US of frickin' A and Canadian McNuggets are made out of Moose Testicles.

Top 9 Reasons That You Were Not Eligible for The NGS Part Deux

1. Your five year-old reads Dime Magazine and circles the mistakes in red pen

2. You’re Canadian! We all know that Canadians are inherently evil, wear toques (knit caps used to cover one’s head), speak either French or Eh. The real reason Canadians aren’t allowed is that the collective heads of Foxsports would implode on having to convert $5,000 into Canadian coin.

3. You didn’t check the box! Dude, Dude, Duuuuuude! How was Foxsports supposed to know that you were serious? Who cares if you erected 10-15 posts? It’s all about the Box. Was there ever a truer statement? Hasn’t anyone learned from Jerry Angelo(Bears GM)?

4. You didn’t write a post starting with “Thoughts on…”

5. Too much passion.

6. No Cowbell

7. You insulted one of the esteemed Foxstaffwriters by referring to them as Fudge Packers.

8. Fox found out that you are a female, and we all know that women don’t write for Foxsports (unless they played Division I Volleyball, have a mustache, can burp the alphabet and have a larger bulge than Peter Schrager).

9. It was discovered that you are a 17 year-old Canadian woman, who didn’t check the box and warms Ronald’s McNuggets.

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categories: NFL, MLB, SHOOTERB

AJ, Spanish for AssJole - Yin Yang
May 22, 2006 | 10:50AM | report this

Before the AJ ranting begins, a prefunctory statement must be made, for my inner-child demands it of me.

Once again I'm watching another Cubs no contest, this time it's an afternoon game against the World Series ~~Chumpion~~ Champion Chicago White Sox. All forty thousand fans show up to watch the beating while eagerly awaiting Emperor Ceasar Ozio put the "thumb down".

In previous years, ~~Comiskey~~, ~~Comiskey II~~, US Cellular Field would be packed with more Cubs fans than Sox fans. In previous years, this would be the only guaranteed sell-out. In previous years, the Sox couldn't give away enough tickets on "Half-priced Monday" to fill a local Tavern. Last year while the Sox were rattling off win streaks of 8 on multiple occasions, Sox fans still couldn't fill the park. That was then, this is now.

In '05, a White Sox fan went to the Sporting goods store in search of a baseball. When paying for the ball at check-out, the clerk asked, "why only one ball?" to which the fan replied, "I already have one, but with another, I finally have a Set of Balls."

I just wondered where all the Sox fans were in '02-'05. Like Frat guys sniffing out the Virgin at a Mixer, Sox fans sniffed a winner somewhere between the Sox clinching the Central vs Detroit and the "beat-down" on Cleveland. Yes Sox fans, all 5,000 of you who showed up during the 2004 season, you can brag and shake your Man-boobs in the collective face of Cubdom, you have earned it. To the rest of the South Side Bandwagon Jumpers ASSociation, bite me!

A-holes, elbows and AJ

That had to hurt. Since I recorded this little episode, and watched it far too many times, I feel that I have a pretty good perspective of what actually transpired.

- Ball hit to left field, Murton juggles ball before throwing home, ball bounces before it hits AJ, AJ lowers left shoulder into Barrett's jaw.

- Barrett gets knocked back 7-8 feet, AJ gets up and slams home plate(home plate really pissed him off), Barrett gets up and gets another left shoulder, AJ remarks "Michael, you stink", Barrett tries to remove a speck of dirt from AJ's chin with his right fist.

- Melee ensues, AJ walks back to dugout doing the "Dirty Bird", AJ then hits himself in the jaw to remove the rest of the dirt that Michael missed, AJ is thrown out of the game for being a pud.

- Sunday. AJ hits homerun off of Carlos Zambrano. AJ points "to God", mimicking Zambrano. Zambrano gives the Emperor Ozzie "thumb down". AJ adds to the list of "Things that make me a Pud".

For the first time since '03 the Cub show fire, Chutzpah, a certain je ne sais quoi that I didn't know they had.

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categories: MLB, Chicago White Sox, Chicago Cubs, SHOOTERB, AJ, Michael Barrett

The Eternal Suck-up. NGSII. Do you have what it takes?
Apr 19, 2006 | 8:42AM | report this

The Next Great Sports Writer is...........................................?>

What will it take to, whoooooooooo, be the man?

Statistics, statistics, statistics - Base everything on the stats, but stats can be skewed, stretched, ####ized and molded into "your" reality. Topics like "Kobe is better than MJ" and "Bonds doesn't deserve to be in the HOF" can be proven using ####d-out statistical mastrubation.

Amaze us with your ability to form a sentence. Great writers do that ya know. How is it that many great poets used drugs and wrote great literature? Judges, can we use andro, no-doze, and/or freddies?

Change fonts during the Post. The Judges and other BLOGGERS LIKE IT WHEN YOU DO THIS. WE ALSO LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE USE CAPITAL LETTERS EXCLUSIVELY. IT MAKES THE POST A MUCH EASIER READ.

Never, and I mean never use Spellcheck. Only one man was perfect and he died for our sins, if you go that way. Propper speling means that you are restrikted to the confyns of the Queens English. You wanna win the kontest, don't give in to the Man. Be yorself.

Regurgitate the hot "goings-on" in sports. My best example of this: after years of going to Church and having the Bible verses interpreted for me, I realized that I didn't have to read it. The Priest or Deacon could do it for me. I know what a "Good Samaritan" is, actually I have about 30 different ideas that were given to me. Bonds Steroids Bad, Seattle screwed by refs, Kobe/Nash for MVP, Whitesox cant repeat, Duke Lacrosse players bad/Dancer good, DA bad/players good.

"Brett Favre, NASCAR, Culpepper, Loveboat

Longhorns, Barry Bonds, Baseball, NFL Football

Bill Parcells, Bug Selig, Daily Notes, Fantasy Baseball

NBA MVP, TO, ShooterB, Socal"

We didn't start the fire.........Sing along!

8 Comments | Add a comment

categories: NFL, MLB, NBA, Brett Favre, Kobe Bryant, Daunte Culpepper, Bill Parcells, SHOOTERB, Cow-bell

From Green Bay god to anti-hero. Brett "the hitman" Favre
Apr 12, 2006 | 1:16PM | report this

"I guess ultimately it comes down to just whether or not you want to play and run the risk of being 4-12," Favre said at the news conference.

"There's always that risk, just as there is a chance of us being 12-4. I would be more surprised if we were 12-4. Anything could happen." - Brett Favre

Question: Does this really sound like someone who wants to play again?

So let us read from the disgruntled, the tired, and the pissed-off:

"I think Brett Favre is being way too self centered about this whole thing, not to mention totally unfair to the Packers. What are they supposed to do?"

"hey brett. dont ya think its time to BLEEP or get off the pot. i think the packers should just say the hell with you and move on. who do you think you are GOD!!!!!! "

"Well stop looking old man and retire for the sake of the game, for whats left of your self respect. Stop making a fool of yourself and the Packers, their bad enough as it is."

"PLEASE MAKE YOR DECISION ALREADY!!!!!!!!! "

"Why does every year we see Mr. Favre with the same gimmick? Should I or Shouldn't return to the Packers?"

"the team can be competitve if Favre would not throw so many interceptions. The bottom line is that he really needs to decide on wherther or not , he is coming back for one more year. I have great respect for the man, but this is out of hand. Where are my packer fans at, that's right nowhere to be found. You ####"

So what truly is the point of contention for the Packer Faithful? Is it, "Brett is our hero and we can't win without him"? or "Brett owes it to the Packers Organization to give his decision in a timely manner"? or "Brett has to make a decision so the Packers can properly evaluate the draft"?

There seem to be many issues swirling around at this time but the one fact(big fact) remains constant.......The Packers have more positions to fill than quality players they can bring in. How many years would Favre come back for? The over/under is 1. Taking this into account, wouldn't it have made sense to pick up Griese, Brees, or Kitna in the off-season? Wouldn't it have made sense to upgrade the O-Line, for any QB who gets under center? Wouldn't it have made sense to keep the players you've let go over the last few years?

The point is...Favre is taking a lot of heat off of the Packer Organization. The Focus is on Brett, not on the Packers for becoming a shell of what they once were.

Last question to Packer fans: Do you really think the Packers don't have a plan, whether Favre returns or not?

25 Comments | Add a comment

categories: NFL, Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre, SHOOTERB

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