For the millions who found themselves stuck in the middle of this past Thursday’s absurd battle between the cable and satellite companies and were unable to see the NFL Network game, let me offer you some comfort and reassurance.
Be thankful you missed it.
Sure, it featured the 10-1 Packers facing the 10-1 Cowboys. And with the new HD availability, there were some interesting reasons to watch, such as trying to figure out how Brett Favre manages to keep his stubble looking so cool all the time, or getting a close up look at Tony Romo and wondering aloud, “Wait, that’s the guy who’s hooked up with Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson? Him? Are you sure?"
So while we patiently wait on the Devil to collect on his deal with Romo, allow me to describe the NFL Network to those who have yet to experience it.
Aside from the excellent picture offered by the HD version, the NFL Network provides flashy graphics, great NFL-related commercials (especially the one where Bill Cowher nearly sobs on camera), and NFL Replay, a 90-minute fast paced version of last week’s games, complete with different camera angles that weren’t seen in the original broadcast. It truly is impressive.
Oh, and one more thing: every NFL Network game is called by Bryant Gumbel, the absolute worst announcer to ever call a sporting event in the history of television. Ever.
I’m not being too hard on the guy, trust me. He’s not just a terrible play-by-play announcer; he’s the worst to ever sit in front of a microphone. Sorry, Bill Walton. Your position has been usurped.
In fact, the games might be somewhat tolerable if Gumbel were only doing the color commentary, simply so it would relegate him to a smaller speaking role. But while current color analyst Chris Collinsworth is competent and at times insightful, it isn’t nearly enough to stop the train wreck created by his booth partner.
Gumbel sputtered along again on Thursday, setting the bar even lower for himself and making one mistake after another. Between all of the miscalled first downs and confusion over players’ names, apparently a football game took place. I was too damn irritated to notice.
At one point Gumbel quoted Packers coach Mike McCarthy as saying Cowboys running back Marion Barber was the heartbeat of Green Bay’s offense. Really? How does that work? Does Barber give a pep talk to the Packers offense over the phone each week? Later, he referred to Tony Romo as “Rick Romo”. Let’s be honest, if you don’t know the kid’s name by now, you don’t belong on a football telecast.
And the voice. Oh, the terrible, horrible, monotone voice. Ever wonder what Kermit the Frog has been up to since Jim Henson died? Apparently he’s calling football games now. And possibly taking large amounts of sedatives.
It’s not like the rest of the NFL Network crew is much better. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really enjoy seeing sideline reporter Deion Sanders looking into the wrong camera and breathing into his microphone like two teenagers in the backseat of a car on date night. But these are things I can overlook. It’s not like Tony Siragusa’s “reporting” has ever ruined a game for me. In fact, being able to laugh at the sideline reporters a couple of times a game is a part of what makes football great.
It’s when it’s right in your face, a constant barrage of incompetence and ineptitude that affects the viewer’s enjoyment of a sporting event. And that’s exactly what Bryant Gumbel has managed to become.
I hate it when people suggest using the mute button to avoid the problem. Should it really ever need to come to that? It’s like saying, “Hey, I despise this sitcom, but if I watch it without sound and make up my own dialogue, it’s really not that crappy.” A mute button can be good for many situations. Avoiding a sports broadcaster shouldn’t have to be one of them.
Look, it’s not like my standards are that high when it comes to broadcasting. I’ve grown up with #### Vitale and John Madden for God’s sake. In fact, I’ve grown so used to Vitale’s over-excitement and Madden’s meaningless blabbering that it’s become somewhat endearing over the years. Say what you will about Vitale, but at least he shows some enthusiasm about the game he’s calling. If I were Collinsworth, I’d be checking Gumbel for a pulse during commercial breaks.
For those of you clamoring for your respective cable companies to offer the NFL Network, be warned. While the rest of the channel has some great programming to offer, the games themselves are a true test of a viewer’s patience.
So what’s the good news for those already planning to watch next week’s NFL Network game? It’s doubtful that Bryant Gumbel’s play-by-play ability can get much worse than he’s already shown so far.
The bad news? I don’t think it’s going to get much better either.
