We all watch sports for different reasons, although most of us will claim the altruistic ones when pressed: the life-lessons, the envy and awe of athletic prowess, the eternal capacity to be surprised and shamed. Who can honestly ask you to rake the yard or paint the house after you offer that explanation?
But sports are pretty damn funny as well. Vince Carter might invoke the Rule of the Recess and slap Mo-Pete and get away with it. Reggie Bush might turn the Rose Bowl into a pick-up basketball game. Drew Rosenhaus might hold a press conference. You just never know, and that's what keeps me coming back. So here's my list of the Top 10 Often Overlooked Sports Nuances that Keep Me Watching:
10) Football players warming up while listening to an iPod.
I saw this no fewer than three times this year on such superstars as Vince Young, Chad Johnson and Julius Peppers. Sure, it's a sign of the times, but it is also an indication of how spectacularly gifted these athletes are.
I can barely take the train to work without strangling myself twice, introducing a 7-year-old to Bushwick Bill and his extensive vocabularly when my earbuds pop out, and ripping the button off some girl's designer pea coat thanks to the iPod. But these guys can actually do calisthenics and warm-up for the game with theirs? Is Vince Young THAT elusive? Could he shake the shadow people? More impressive than his Rose Bowl heroics if you ask me.
9) Squirrels Water Skiing.
I'm pretty sure this is entirely overrated, but local news outlets seem to think otherwise. Apparently, whenever some stay-at-home parent thinks it's cute to strap some lil' skis to a squirrel's feet and throw him behind a remote controlled boat, at least one local station will be there to document it. When said squirrel appeared on the Boston news the other night, it marked the fourth consecutive year I've seen the footage, and it is always the parting shot.
Joe Shortsleeve (CBS4, Boston): "To recap, the cheapest seat at Fenway has officially exceeded the market price of oil, we're expecting another 27 inches of snow, but, no need to worry, here's a squirrel water skiing."
8) The "hold me back I can't BELIEVE that dunk" celebration.
Shaquille O'Neal has graciously accepted the mantle from Dikembe Mutombo as the player who will most drastically overreact to dunks at All-Star Weekend, and I thank him for that. But, honestly, we haven't seen anything new in this contest from anyone since Vince Carter in 2000, so let's tone it down a bit.
However, when it happens in a game you have one of my favorite moments in sport. While Ricky Davis throwing down another reverse alley-oop is entertaining, I'm always much more interested in the one player, generally a Ryan Gomes type, who has the presence of mind to restrain his fellow bench mates from rushing the court and smothering Ricky with kisses or carrying him off on their shoulders or dousing him with champagne...I don't know what they would do if they could get to the court, but Ryan Gomes thinks it has the potential to get out of hand. Every NBA bench needs a good doorman to insure order is maintained, but just once, maybe during a late season Hawks-Raptors game, I would like to see what would happen if they actually made it onto the floor.
7) Fox Soccer Channel's "Fans in the Booth" broadcast.
I don't consider myself a big soccer fan, but if you haven't had the opportunity to see FSC's rebroadcast of English Premiere League games with the commentary provided by two opposing fans, you have to check it out. What could be better than two young blokes, probably sloshed on Smithwicks since 6 a.m. with overdrawn Ladbrokes accounts, screaming at one another in cockney for three hours? It's all lemon-squeezy.
It is so good, in fact, that I make a motion to provide this option for ALL sports. Imagine if, instead of hearing Joe Buck ruin his 34th consecutive no-hitter, you could hear him say: "This game is also being broadcast by people who care and is available by utilizing the 'FAN' button on your remote."
6) Chris Berman's "WHAP" sound.
How good is it? You all have friends who can do servicable imitations of Carl Spackler and Howard Cosell, but NO ONE can replicate Berman's signature sound. It cannot be uttered by the vocal chords of mere mortals. Makes me laugh every time.
5) Howard Lederman's between round commentary on HBO Boxing.
I don't purport to be a leader in the sweet science field, but I will watch any fight on HBO simply to hear Lederman's mile-a-minute rasp. Forget Michael Buffer, if this guy is available for weddings, I'll blow the entire budget to have him there.
Jim Lampley: "A solid round of toasts from the wedding party, let's go to Larry for the score."
Howard Lederman: "OKAY JIM!!! The maid of honor protected well with a sentimental, shared-love story, but the best man countered with a brutal, embarrassing college anecdote. Not much new from either fighter, but I'm giving the round to the best man 10-9!!!"
4) Sod Cemeteries.
A tradition that originated at Florida State has blossomed into a national college football phenomenon. The idea is that, after big road wins, you take a piece of the opponents' turf and bury it in a plot near your field beneath a headstone inscribed with the score.
My question is: Who gets the honor? I'm fairly certain that this is frowned upon by opposing schools, so there must be some deception involved. Maybe they use one of those golf augers to get in and out quickly, regardless I would like to officially offer my services.
On my first visit to Soldier Field in 1992, I leaned over the temporary fence around the field and plucked a few blades of the storied turf. They sat in a rose vial inside the family refrigerator for years before taking up permanent residence in my sock drawer. Doesn't that qualify me for the job? I purposely took grass that didn't belong to me. That's about the gist of it, right?
3) The Haka.
I probably watch this, the traditional Maori dance performed by the All-Blacks before every game, at least once a week on-line. While it is fun to see the world's best rugby squad fall into a trance-like state while performing, I enjoy watching the opposition even more.
What do you do when you have to stand and watch a team that will almost assuredly destroy you in a few minutes perform a war dance at mid-field? Is it hard not to laugh? Probably not, as someone may behead you if you do. They look serious.
One of the absolute best moments of my life was seeing this performed at a wedding over a year ago by a native New Zealander. I can't believe Russell Crowe didn't fight for its inclusion in Gladiator. Tis death! Tis death! Tis life! Tis life!
As if it weren't bad enough that you didn't get into the game, basketball box scores see the need to explain exactly why with the "Did Not Play - Coach's Decision." Thanks for that, I'm sure we were safe in our assumption that it wasn't the players decision. But maybe there should be some alternate endings to the DNP. How about the DNP-NT (no talent) for Darko Milicic, the DNP-CO (conscientious objector) for Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, or DNP-WO (wife's orders) for Doug Christie?
I provided the pronunciation key because it is so much more fun to verbalize this slight, and it nicely summarizes my college career, both on the court and off. How'd the game go last night? Duh-nip cud. But you sealed the deal with that girl from the bar, right? Nope, duh-nip cud. The possibilities are endless. Use it wisely.
And my all-time favorite...
1) Southern State Troopers and SEC Football Coaches.
If I'm Steve Spurrier and I'm going into Gainesville next year, you can be sure that I want some of Florida's finest at my side for the treacherous trek to mid-field fo the post-game handshake. I want big dudes with forearm tattoos and Smokey the Bear hats with gold braids. I want Civil War re-enactors with a Buford Pusser complex and bellies full of bourbon. Guys who aren't afraid to lay the lumber to some blitzed student who just wants to peak over my shoulder into the camera. You take G-Unit and I'll take Phil Fulmer's police escort every time.
So there you have it, the top 10 things that allow me to stomach Stuart Scott. I'm sure you all have your own, so let me hear 'em...
ok - i personally take offense that you contend that "stay at home" parents (at least the "parents" thing was a bit pc)who did the squirrel thingy. do you have documented evidence that this is true? i heard it was done by would be bloggers who are looking to get a job...otherwise VERY entertaining reading :)!
Fantastic reading- superbly entertaining! A haka at a wedding? That is one of the coolest things I have ever heard. Perhaps we can slowly infuse weddings with more sports-related activities: the best man aisle-pass of the rings, the bridesmaids go head to head, tournament style, to EARN that bouquet (with shimmery, color coordinated gloves, of course) and the play by play commentary of the reception by drunken Unlce Artie.
Well you know Ryan Gomes has to earn his keep one way or another. He is the current pride of Providence College via CT. I also understand the DNP-CD I believe I had that happen to me once or twice as well. Good read and continued success.
Nice work, but Howard Lederman is the guest judge that does the between rounds commentary. Larry Merchant is the drunk that does the in-fight commentary with Jim Lampley and Roy Jones/Emmanuel Steward.
Excellent blogging. Of course there is a time and a place for the tear-jerking reasons we all love sports, but that's why we have the personal-glimpses-into-the-lives-of -atheletes tv montages during the Olympics. And Mitch Albom. I'm glad that you went this route. Very original. Who doesn't love squirrels that ski?
Pride stickers on college football helmets. Where else can you decorate your helmet according to how good you are.
Alternate jerseys in all sports. For example, it is nice to see the Chicago Bears come out in orange once a year. Not that it would be good to change to orange, but a nice switch.
Stripes on a college football. It is a beautiful sight to see when Matt Leinhart releases a perfect spiral over the middle. In the NFL, I can't tell if it's a spiral or not.
Canadians and Minnesotans playing in the MLB because they could not cut it at hockey (Corey Koskie, Larry Walker). I'm sure there are more.
squirrels waterskiing i can take. mid game trances and rituals...now we're getting warm. the validity of the whap sound however, i refuse to acknowledge. where does fox find you bloggers? i kid i kid.
Mustang: The squirrels name is Twiggy and he first appeared in '78, meaning we're on our fifth or sixth generation at this point. It's more than one squirrel, but from the same lineage. It depends on what side of the "one nacho" debate you fall on.
Additionally, while I think loathing Stuart Scott is universal, I at least alluded to my own distaste for his style in a Dec. 23 post. But in times like these, I understand your concern.
Nice article. I like the "Fan in the Booth" idea. I, for one, think sports would be much more enjoyable to watch on t.v. if the announcers were just random fans of each team, instead of the stuffy know-it-alls in there now. Also, I watched that Haka video. Man, that is crazy! The video only shows one guy doing it. I can't imagine what it must be like to see a whole team of people doing it! Great post, keep up the good work!
Last edited by jgrace_12 on January 10th at 6:59 PM.
jgrace: Thanks! I haven't seen the Fans in the Booth on FSC yet this season. I hope they haven't discontinued it, it was absolutely hilarious and I understood approximately half of what was being said.
Sadly, when Fox Sports World became Fox Soccer Channel, televised instances of the Haka took a serious hit. I'll see if I can find it...
dude, #8 is great. hilarious. Back on the 1980s Celtics teams, that job would have fallen to Greg Kite. Strike that. Nobody on that team could dunk. Regardless, nice list
Anyone who gives such notice to a former hawkeye deserves to win not only this contest, but the Nobel Prize for literature!! HMMMMMM! to whom am I referring???
Last edited by born2playin69 on January 10th at 8:52 PM.
These are all true, to some extend (haha)...however, i am disgusted you overlooked the most revolting usage of double negatives in the country. it happends to be pittsburgh steeler land. a double negative, to those that are unaware, is using words like not, don't, no, etc in the same sentence. i may not be grammar-god, but i have never in my life been surrounded by such idiotics in my life. the steeler faithful are stupid. they are incapable of holding an intelligent conversation about anything, let alone football. i would like to see a segment on the history of stupid fans throughout football history. thank you and god bless.
Hi Plains: Freaking hilarious and spot-on, as always! Nice one. It was so good that I'll overlook your public admission that not only do you watch soccer, you actually have the soccer channel. BUT, the one and only reason I would watch would be to see two ####-drunk opposing soccer hooligans go at it, and try not to dismember each other on live "telly". Although, a good old-fashioned soccer riot would be even better if it started from the broadcast booth!
Also.... I can do pretty damn good imitations of anybody from B.B. King to Sam Cooke, Tennessee Ernie Ford to Slim Whitman -- but I still can't do that Berman WHAP sound right. You're right, it's not to be tried by mere mortals, although I'm still obnoxious enough to try it whenever see a football highlight reel in public.
And wow, "duh-nip-cud"?? That's damned awesome, my friend. I laughed so loud, I think I may have actually guffawed. Got another one for ya: "Hey Roger, did you make it to the NGS finals?" "Nope, duh-nip cud."
SRenfer84: As I am not a resident of western PA, I rarely am subjected to the supposed ignorance of "they who wave the towels." But I will say, that I have regular, highly-intelligent and entertaining conversations with at least two Steeler fans.
I fear the east PA bias is in effect. Sure TO ruined your season and the Eagles are at home in January, but we're only 7 short months away from the LLWS. Look on the bright side!
Rog: It's not my fault! My roommate was a huge soccer fan and demanded FSC, and now it has infected me like Mad Cow Disease. The lesson? Don't import things from the UK.
The beauty of the "WHAP" is both in the fact that we all try it, but only Berman can do it. It's not like Billy Packer and "mantoman," which even I can do. And while I love Slim, how's your Roy Acuff?
Well, he's allegedly a distant cousin of mine, and my Grandmother used to pick banjo with him back in East Tennessee, or so she said (no, i'm not kidding, and yes, I'm that much of a hillbilly), so I suppose I'm required to do some Roy Acuff, by birthright. I do his version of "Jole Blond", and the occasional "Wabash Cannonball", of course. And of course, I can sing neither as well him.
Hey, give your roommate a good swift kick in the shins for me... oh, wait, he's probably wearing shin guards in the house.
Ha! Our house did resemble the MISL a bit, unfortunately I can't deliver that kick as I'm on the great Atlantic Ocean, while he's on the white Pacific shore. No matter though, as a former player, he'd probably flop then I'd get booked with a yellow card.
While certainly not country royalty, I'm trying to learn to pick a little 5-string myself.
Like some of the other finalists, your Top 10 assignment is an original spin & reflects the personality of its blogger. That's not to say I'd mistake your personality with anyone else's; you have a distinctive voice. I can picture the iPod scenario, as well as other entries. I'm glad you've been highlighted as a finalist, though, because your titles haven't pulled me in (except for maybe this one... in some bizarre way), even when I recognized the Garth. That piece, BTW, was a gem. I agree with the statement made that it took guts. I like quirky sports & would like to see them represented more. Even though I have mixed feelings about rodeo (animal lover), I enjoyed that piece and again, could picture it. Way better than most "intro to x" material. I also give a nod to the live blog, another gutsy move. Can't comment on the content, though, I spent three days after the Alamo Bowl in the home of UM alums. "Corn," and even "maize," were taboo words. And on the topic of vegetation, I've got a couple favorite pumpkin beers & crossword puzzles clues myself.
MCLioness: Kudos to you for not only reading every finalists blog, but also offering up some constructive criticism. I'm glad you stopped by. You're right, my titles are pretty obtuse, but I try to stay away from anything that seems like a desperate attempt to draw people in. That's my only methodology there, but some have worked better than others. And I will admit, I still bite the hook and read posts titled in such a manner.
Thank you again for the comments. As a veteran of writing workshops, I have learned the true value of actual honesty.
What about the idiots who show up on Sunday afternoon with below zero temperature to show off their overweight gut with an insignificant letter on their chest. These guys are everywhere. What are they trying to prove?
Harold Lederman always sounds like he's mainlining an expresso, and that there is no way any sane human could not possibly score the fight his way. Dude slays me. Nice list!
Harold Lederman always sounds like he's mainlining an expresso, and that there is no way any sane human could not possibly score the fight his way. Dude slays me. Nice list!
Harold Lederman always sounds like he's mainlining an expresso, and that there is no way any sane human could not possibly score the fight his way. Dude slays me. Nice list!
Harold Lederman always sounds like he's mainlining an expresso, and that there is no way any sane human could not possibly score the fight his way. Dude slays me. Nice list!
the funniest thing, to me, in a sportscenter broadcast ain't chris berman, or any of the video clips of dunks or ipods...it's espn's commercials - that would've made for a good top 10 list, and #1 would have to be the one where The Rock is sitting at his breakfast nook, Dan Patrick comes in to pour himself a cup of coffee and The Rock says "man, my neck hurts"...you know the rest.
Great writing HPD - the DNP-CP part made me laugh out loud (then fail to explain to my fiance "what's so funny?"...)
