Job Wanted:
Broken down slugger with bad knees and defensive liabilities is seeking a high paying job with a contending team. Will only bat third and requires two lockers, La-Z-Boy recliner, large screen TV — off limits to teammates — and private trainers with run of the locker room. Does not play well with others and may need time off to fight bogus charges and assassination attempts to character. Will also blame others for personal shortcomings. Only serious offers need to apply. Contact Jeff Borris or Donald Fehr with concessions.

With the Major League Baseball season just a week away, Fehr is concerned that the game’s all-time leading home run hitter, Clearasil-user and friend to the oppressed is still without a job. So astonished by the development is he that he’s looking into the matter to see if the Major League clubs have come together to purposely keep his man out of the game. No word yet from the union head on whether the player’s health, popularity or his possible future residency in the Hotel de Vertical Sunlight has had any adverse affect on Bonds’ contract status. Tampa briefly discussed bringing him aboard and Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa endorsed the idea of Barry replacing another former lumbering long ball specialist who has since gone into hiding. Unfortunately for baseball’s resident genius, the notion was shot down faster than Mark McGwire with a bottle of Winstrol.

Bonds’ only value is to an American League team with a hole at DH that is looking for a big bat to get them into the playoffs. This rules out every team in the East as only Boston and New York are playoff bound with neither in need of extra fire power and poorer defense should they decide to put him elsewhere. Detroit will crush its way to the Central title and needs relief help. Cleveland is secure with Travis Hafner while the White Sox have Jim Thome and a psycho manager who reserves the role of dugout buffoon to himself. After moving Johan Santana, Minnesota now boasts a pitching staff that returns only one starter — Kevin Slowey, 4-1 — with a winning record. Bringing Bonds on board would only satisfy the requirement of losing by a closer margin. The Angels are the best team in the West and were already the majors’ sixth-best run producers before Torii Hunter was signed. Seattle, on the other hand, was seventh in the American League in scoring and could use another bat but lacks cash after the Mariners committed $100 million to Ichiro Suzuki. The Bay Area still loves the ornery former left fielder and Billy Beane is an OBP fan, but the A’s are going nowhere.

But the future is not totally bleak for the future Hall of Famer. The Lake Elsinore Storm, a Class-A affiliate of the San Diego Padres, has put forth an offer to Bonds in it’s media relations department. In the not-to-be-taken-seriously memo offering Bonds the “cushy media job,” Storm general manager Chris Jones said, “We just think the way he has handled the media with such grace over the years that he would be a perfect fit in our media relations department.”

No word yet on if Barry is considering the position.