It’s the halfway point of the baseball season and time for the usual mid-season awards. God save us from irrelevance. All stats as of July 3.

Managers of the Year
Baseball and the state of Florida go together like chewing tobacco and Pastelitos. With a combined home attendance that would rank 11th in the Major Leagues, the Tampa Bay Rays and Florida Marlins are the least seen biggest surprise stories of the year — minus the Mets 3 a.m. firing of manager Willie Randolph. Joe Maddon’s Rays have pulled the worst-to-first turnaround and have proved with a three-game sweep of Boston, that they are no streaky team days away from a second-half collapse. Tampa is led by their pitchers, who are fourth in ERA, third in WHIP and fifth in saves. For a team that has averaged 63 wins over the last six season, it’s a near miracle. Florida’s aboutface is nearly as impressive.
The Marlins finished the 2007 campaign 20 games below .500 and survived the loss of their best player, Miguel Cabrera, and all-time winningest pitcher, Dontrelle Willis. Manager Fredi Gonzalez has kept pressure on the Phillies with a pitching staff boasting the league’s third-worst team ERA and a team batting average ranked No. 11.

AL Rookie of the Year
With 15 home runs and a name strangely similar to the San Antonio Spurs’ most photographed season ticket holder, Evan Longoria has been a big part of Tampa’s plan to unseat Boston and New York. And he’s done pretty well. Longoria leads rookies in home runs, slugging percentage and OPS. Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury has given Boston outfield speed and production at the top of the lineup (55 runs scored, 35 stolen bases) they have been looking for since the departure of Johnny Damon. Joba Chamberlain has done well for himself (2-2, 2.22 ERA in 52.2 innings pitched) but his value has been artificially inflated by typical New York hype. Longoria wins. His team has the best record in baseball and he plays a critical position while taking over Cabrera.

NL Rookie of the Year
Kosuke Fukudome became a cult hero in Chicago when he hit a game-tying home run in the season opener and a game-winning double two days later. Since then he hasn’t done anything to question that devotion with 56 runs, 52 walks, a .290 batting average and a .397 on-base percentage. Fortunate for the Cubs, Fukudome has gotten help from fellow first-year player Geovany Soto. The 25-year-old catcher has put up the offensive numbers (31 runs scored, 23 doubles, 13 home runs, 50 RBI and a .287 batting average), but it is his ability behind the plate that has the really impressed Cubs’ pitchers and manager Lou Pinella. As good as both these players have been, they aren’t team leaders. Jair Jurrjens leads the Braves’ starters in ERA, is tied with Tim Hudson in victories — with three fewer losses — and is second in strikeouts-per-inning.

AL Cy Young
The American League has not had a reliever win the Cy Young since Dennis Eckersley did so with the A’s in 1992. Mariano Rivera could be the next. Although the Bronx Bombers are sitting in third place, seven-and-a-half games behind Tampa, the righthander is having one of the best seasons of his career. At the break he has 22 saves with a 0.96 ERA and 42 strikeouts against only three walks. Cliff Lee has been nearly perfect (11-1) for the underachieving Indians and has walked just 17 batters in 111.2 innings. He’s sixth in strikeouts (90), second in ERA and has a batting average against of .236. Justin Duchscherer’s 1.91 ERA is worth mentioning as is Francisco Rodriguez’s 34 saves and 1.93 ERA, but this is a two-horse race with Lee grabbing the lead after registering 29.7 percent of his team’s total victories

NL Cy Young
Brad Lidge has been the National League version of Mariano Rivera (19 saves, 0.79 ERA), but like his AL counterpart he’s a third wheel on a twin-tire vehicle. Brandon Webb’s league-leading 12 wins is also worthy of note, but it’s a virtual tie between two good pitchers on two bad baseball teams. Tim Lincecum has won 25 percent of the Giants games and Edinson Volquez as done the same for the Reds. They occupy the first two National League spots in ERA and strikeouts, have identical WHIPs and have kept opposing hitters near the Mendoza line. Give the nod to Lincecum. He’s won 90 percent of his decisions while playing on a slightly worse club than his nearest competitor.

AL MVP
As the Cy Young awards have come down to two pitchers, the American League MVP is down to two teams — Chicago with Carlos Quentin and Jermaine Dye and Texas with Josh Hamilton, Ian Kinsler and Milton Bradley. Quentin is tied for third in home runs (19) and RBI (61). He is seventh in OPS and runs scored and 11th in slugging percentage. His teammate has matched his home runs, is tied for seventh with 57 RBI, ninth in runs scored and has a .301 batting average. Texas counters with Hamilton joining the 19 home run club while driving in a league-best 82 RBI. Kinsler is No. 1 in runs scored (74), second in batting average (.323) and fourth in stolen bases. Milton Bradley is hitting .320 average with league-topping marks in on-base percentage, slugging and OPS. It’s Kinsler by a nose. The second baseman is the complete player. He hits for average, has speed (23 stolen bases and third in triples), hits for power (27 doubles and 13 home runs) and has even drove in 50 runners from the lead off spot.

NL MVP
Chipper Jones (.391), Albert Pujols (.348 and 26 strikeouts), Chase Utley (23 home runs, 66 RBI) and Dan Uggla (23, 58) can all make cases for the award that sits firmly on Lance Berkman’s mantle. Houston is five games under .500 and without Berkman they’d be looking up at Pittsburgh. All he has done is lead the league in runs (74), slugging percentage (.692) and OPS (1.140). He is second in doubles (27) and RBI (68), batting average (.358), third in home runs and on-base percentage and has even stole 12 bases.

Shaquille O’Neal’s latest mic work did little more than prove bad rap is not reserved for Miami-based bleached blondes with exaggerated fades and PR-created bios of supposed credibility. Stringing together lines with the lyrical flow of a lawn sprinkler, O’Neal went all Jay-Z/Nas on Kobe Bryant, saying, “You know how I be, last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.” He continued with ridiculous self-congratulatory posturing not heard since Project Pat rapped about hunger pangs so severe to mimic Hungry Hungry Hippos.

More bizarre than his reference to Notorious B.I.G.: “So in the hood dog I feel like B.I.G. because if Biggie was here, he’d be right there on Star Island in a mansion somewhere chillin’, sittin’ on about half a billion, because me and guns combined #### that’s half a billion!” was his inclusion of Patrick Ewing and Kareem Abdul Jabbar into his so-called playful MC battle.

Now, I’m not about to proclaim any Ph.D. expertise in hip-hop sociology, but B Rabbit made it clear that rap battles are one-on-one conflicts testing skill, intelligence and vocal dexterity while busting a verbal cap in someone’s ####. Shaq did just that — minus the skill, intelligence, vocal dexterity and a competitor to test his rhymes against. Without being present, Kobe had no chance to defend his cred in a public forum and so far has been silent. At the end we’ll help him find his voice, but, in the meantime, one must question what made the Big Cactus so prickly.

It wasn’t but a few years ago that the Lakers could lay claim to arguably two of the best players to have ever played their respective positions, but monster ego split apart what was the most dominant team since the Bulls’ messy divorce. Fast forward a couple of years and one is a shell of his former self while the other reached the pinnacle of individual achievement that can only be surpassed by a Hall of Fame induction. What was once an amusing exchange between two rivals has turned into a pathetic attempt by one at holding on to relevance by attacking someone who is still in his prime.

Since the 2002-2003 season, O’Neal’s numbers and minutes have been in a free fall. His scoring average dropped almost 14 points, his rebounds dipped from 11.1 to 9.6 per and his assists from 3.0 to 1.7. His glass-cleaning ineffectiveness was even worse before his departure from Miami, where he pulled down a mere 7.8 rebounds before being traded to Phoenix.

Outside of his commercial impact, Shaquille O’Neal has not been a relevant factor on the basketball court in a number of years. His move to the desert did little more than create headlines and questions about how the plodding 325 pound center could co-exist on a team built around speed and passing. Being the figurative center of attention did help invigorate the 14-time All Star, but he was never the force in the middle the team had hoped for.

The Suns limped home with a .620 winning percentage that was down from the .698 mark the team established before the trade. The final disappointment came when the Suns were knocked out in the first round of the playoffs in five games to the Spurs. So bad have things become for the big man that he even lost his special deputy’s badge from Bedford County after his verbal assault on Bryant and the music industry in general.

An assist to Kobe:

You know how it be, you wouldn’t have won a thing without Dwayne and me
You know how it be, you wouldn’t have won a thing without Dwayne and me

You call yourself big, but your rhymes are silly
You can’t sit down without your pants splitting

For real dog you may be B.I.G. but you were nothing before or after me
That’s like OJ after he left the AFC
That’s like Sanford after he left the Y.A.R.D.
That’s like Superman with kryptonite
That’s like a light bulb that just ain’t too bright

Now, stop and think about that
If you hit the Slim Fast, you wouldn’t be so fat
Now it’s just me and the MVP
So tell me Shaq, why you jealous of me
Tell me Shaq, why you jealous of me
Everybody now, why you jealous of me

I never ratted you out, I just told the truth
I’ll mind my own business if you do too
You said you had a vasectomy
Was that because of me
Maybe you’re just in a rutt
Or just can’t get it up

Tell me Shaq, why you jealous of me
Tell me Shaq, why you jealous of me
Everybody now, why you jealous of me

It was, without need of useless embellishment or extended prose, one of the most impressive athletic achievements in recent memory — if not in the history of American sports. We’ll let others argue about golf’s merit as a sport and whether or not golfers qualify as athletes. Coming off his third knee surgery and after playing only one round in two months — and that from a cart — Tiger Woods put on the greatest performance of his career while fighting through pain so obvious he was often forced to turn $500 drivers into expensive walking sticks. The achievement became even more impressive in the days that followed.

Known to only a trusted few, Tiger played not only with a knee still weak from cartilage surgery but a torn ACL and double stress fracture in his tibia. To do all this while walking a straight line distance of 21.7 miles — and much farther after tracking down sprayed tee shots and the constant circling of the greens — makes Tiger 91-hole performance simply mind boggling.

A person could go broke quickly betting against Tiger, and even though doctors are predicting a full recovery, nothing is guaranteed. If Woods cannot return to his familiar form, the 37-hole battle with journeyman and good friend Rocco Mediate shifts from historical to legendary. Granted, the worst is unlikely to happen.

Tiger has no concerns about proper HMO coverage and his doctors will be talented and wealthy. But to say he’ll be dominant as ever with absolutely no ill effects would ignore the history of such injuries. It is true that many athletes have returned from serious knee injury, but many, if not most, come back forever changed.

Much like Frank Tanana, who once dominated hitters with pure speed only to be forced to learn the art of the breaking ball after injuries took away his strength, Tiger, upon his return, may have to change his swing to limit the massive amount of torque he puts on his newly reconstructed knee. The good news is that no one is more capable of making such a dramatic shift. He did that very thing four years ago to limit the stress on his knee and became an even better golfer.

So, for the time being, the news is relatively positive for the world’s No. 1 golfer. His tour, however, may not be so lucky.

No other sport’s success is so tied into a single person. It’s simple. As goes Tiger, so goes the PGA Tour. According to the New York Times, TV numbers a year ago dropped 29 percent when Woods took the week off. His presence means huge gates and great interest. A lack of Tiger sightings means greater disinterest. The tour must learn how to live without Woods a decade before it ever hoped.

Commissioner Tim Finchem has some selling to do. He needs to find a way to lure in a portion of Tiger’s massive audience. There is no way he’s going to get all of them and that’s going to be a challenge for a sport with a general household recognition of one athlete.

The tour is not without talent or interesting characters, as Rocco proved. It is, however, short of top-ranked Americans — and that’s what matters to the U.S. audience upon which the tour depends. Internationally, it will be easier. Phil Mickelson is immensely popular, but he’s one of only three Americans in the top 10 of the world golf rankings. The other is Jim Furyk.

An additional problem the tour must overcome is trying to convince the public that all future wins this year are not tainted by the absence of the man who will likely retain his top spot in the rankings even if he doesn’t tee it up until the spring of 2009. Mickelson, with three majors, will be able to escape such criticism but any member of the “best-to-have-never-won-a-major” will be doomed to the same second guessing and dismissals that the Houston Rockets received after winning two titles during Michael Jordan’s absence.

Tiger, like him or not, will be missed. No one generates greater buzz or makes more impossible shots than he. It is now the tour’s job to let you know the well is not dry. Good luck with that.

For a person unfamiliar with the sport of mixed martial arts, its first foray into primetime network coverage produced an easy-to-understand educational package that hinted at the sports strengths but was mostly bogged down by the hurdles it has yet to clear.

No matter how much promoters want to pump the sport as the next big thing to nip at the heels of established American athletic competition, Elite XC and CBS recognized that MMA remains mostly an unknown oddity to the general populous with few marketable stars. Faced with the choice of highlighting either a talented, yet basically unknown fighter or someone short on experience but long on name recognition and charisma, it didn’t take long for the powers that be to determine who would lead the fight for mainstream America.

Had the night ended with middleweight champion “Ruthless” Robbie Lawler and challenger Scott Smith, the network’s gutsy move into attracting younger viewers would have paid off with the best contest of the night and the possibility of a title changing hands. Advertisers, however, would have been less pleased. Though the fight gained viewers each half hour during the telecast, ratings jumped nearly 50 percent when the attention turned to YouTube legend Kimbo Slice.

Fighting tomato ear James “The Colossus” Thompson — who was ahead on every card before the fight was stopped at the most opportune time — the star’s lack of experience was readily apparent. So much so that the pro-Kimbo crowd booed the headliner as he tried to explain himself during the post-fight interview — which he cut short due to conditioning so poor he could not even carry on a conversation some five to 10 minutes after the fight had ended.

The choice of Kimbo’s opponent did nothing to lure new fans. Thompson is little better than his first two hand-picked opponents (a fat Tank Abbot and even fatter Ray Mercer) who were nothing more than one-minute punching bags to practice his haymakers on. Thompson, the former Pride fighter — think a Toughman contest but with less personality — came into the fight with seven losses in his previous nine fights. Unable to wound his opponent with slow punches, Thompson tried to take Slice off his feet by leading with his face. He eventually succeeded only to have the ring announcers gush over Kimbo’s DDT-style take down and how “Kimbo Slice made his name in the streets but right now he’s fighting a veteran mixed martial artist.” Such hype ignored the fact that neither fighter brought anything worthwhile to the match and that Thompson had even lost to King Kong Bundy lookalike Butterbean.

Neither fighter deserved a starring role. Anyone tuning in for practiced ground skills, thrown combinations and even the most rudimentary footwork that enables a fighter to stay away from slow-moving punishment was surely disappointed. But quality fighting was not what this night was about. May 31 was about selling tickets and putting on a spectacle, and Elite XC and CBS did just that. They had their title fight, they had their circus act and they preceeded both with a couple of Muay Thai fighters who just happened to be female, attractive and far better fighters than the headliners.

Brett “The Grim” Roberts, who won an undercard bout to improve his record to 7-0, spoke for established fans when he called the Slice/Thompson fight “garbage” and said Kimbo’s performance was “unacceptable for the fans.”

Boxing, the only martial mainstay in the U.S. for 150 years, lies waiting helpless as it continues to be watered down by 17 weight divisions separated by as little as three pounds and enough governing bodies to make the most ardent fan confused about title holders.

MMA is dealing with many of the same problems. Talent is so spread out among the dozens of organizations promoting the sport that it is extremely difficult to produce a card that is not loaded with second-tier fighters and “legends” with .500 records.

The alphabet soup of organizations will continue to #### the development of the sport until the more successful are either able to buy out the competition, as UFC did with Pride Fighting Championship, or economic disadvantage thins the herd. Diversity and choice is great in a democracy but lousy when it comes to professional sports.

The institution of a universal ranking system would be a big move forward and give fans a way to reference fighters. Most important, promoters must retire near staged events like the Slice/Thompson fight and banish WWE-style hysteria that list Yves Edwards' fighting style as “thugjistsu.”

Handled correctly, MMA could supplant boxing, but it’s not going to happen with gimics.

It could be the end of the NBA as we know it. Legions of players, after years of practice and effective style of play, will soon be forced by outside influences to change their game and to give advantage to the enemy — all to appease the beast of sound athletic competition.

In no time at all, a long, proud history will soon be regulated to the dust bins of history like short shorts, mid-range jumpers, traveling calls, carries and players able to score with both hands.
What in the name of Bill Laimbeer and Vlade Divac is going on here?

After years of continuously mounting criticism over power forwards hitting the deck following the slightest contact by aggressive point guards, the league has finally decided to leave acting to the professionals — or at least to Will Ferrell.

While an exact plan in yet to be implemented, the basic idea is to channel the NHL and fine players who take a dive in the effort to draw fouls.

Prior to the 2005-2006 season, the NHL instituted Rule 52, which states, “A minor penalty shall be imposed on a player who attempts to draw a penalty by his actions (‘diving’). Regardless if a minor penalty for diving is called, Hockey Operations will review game videos and assess fines to players who dive or embellish a fall or a reaction, or who feign injury. The first such incident will result in a warning letter being sent to the player, the second will result in a $1,000 fine, the third in a $2,000 fine and the fourth in a one-game suspension.”

A side bar to the rule says the offending player also could be subject to supplementary discipline by the commissioner, although the chances of this are almost nonexistent.

The NHL’s policy seems pretty cut-and-dried, but its major hindrance — which the NBA would be best served by not adopting — is its policy of not releasing the names of penalized for the infractions.
Without such clarity, the legitimacy of the rule will come into serious question just as it has in the NHL, where the general belief is that the rule is not being applied equally to all parties (i.e. Sidney Crosby) or that it’s barely used at all.

The action by the NBA is long overdue. What was once a smart way to draw fouls has turned into an overused clumsy ballet that has more in common with choreographed western bar fights then a clever way to put the offense at a disadvantage.

Enforcement of the new code of conduct, however, is going to be challenging.

The inherent problem with the rule is determining what constitutes a violation and what bruises will be necessary to prove the offending player was just the innocent victim in a train wreck.

Of course, every player hit with a fine will swear on all that is holy that he was run over. The players’ union will appeal — something the NHL doesn’t allow — and will be turned down as the person hearing the complaint will be the same one setting down the punishment.

Fans will continue to support their favorite actor as they fill up the message boards and talk radio with accusations of conspiracies and favorable calls toward league stars, while Manu Ginobili will continue to refine his pratfalls as he prepares for soccer’s World Cup.

And that’s not the worst part. The bigger drawback is that fines, no matter how stiff, will not change the result of the play as it happens.

A flop drawing the sixth foul on a key player and sealing a victory for the offending team is a pretty good buy for, say a $2,000 investment, especially for a $10 million-a-year player in search of his first playoff birth. The crime victim is just out of luck. Their season is over and the guilty party remains free to dip his toe into the playoff salaray pool and commit further violations.

The difficulties inherent to the new policy do not mean the NBA should ignore the problem as one too subjective to accurately police. But the league would be ill advised to rush into a decision that would implement a poorly designed rule that would only pacify its critics while putting game officials in the bad position of having their credibility questioned by members of the NBA’s audio/video club.

Sports fans love to hold onto their heroes even after their effectiveness has become a long-departed memory. After years of living vicariously through their athletic exploits, dealing with retirement talk can be difficult. It’s upsetting enough when the announcement comes after gray hair has replaced that of a darker hue. But when it comes amidst the prime of an athlete’s career, it’s just shocking.

Such is the case with Annika Sorenstam, this generation’s greatest female golfer and arguably the best ever, said that following this season she will give up the sport she’s dominated for more than a decade.

While women’s golf does not have the broad national impact of the NFL or Major League Baseball, Sorenstam’s decision to leave her sport at age 37 has a greater connection to early exits in those sports than to Justine Henin, who just became the first female tennis player to retire while ranked No. 1 in the world. Like Sandy Koufax and Jim Brown, who both aborted their respective careers at the age of 30, Sorenstam defines her sport and is the standard-bearer for all who come after. Just as every left-hander is compared to Koufax and each running back to Brown, any woman with talent and desire who comes along in the foreseeable future will be chasing the ghost of Sorenstam.

And if there is one more recent athlete who can appreciate what the 5-foot-6-inch Swede is giving up, it may be a 5-foot-8-inch former tailback from Wichita. Barry Sanders left the game when the pressure of defeat became a burden so great that it dwarfed any desire to chase immortality.

Minus an injury-filled 2007 in which she recorded only one victory, Sorenstam had no such concerns of mounting loses. But like Sanders, who gave up the game a season removed from claiming the all-time rushing title, Sorenstam has decided to leave within eyesight of topping Kathy Whitworth in wins and Patty Berg in majors.

Sorenstam achieved the rare feat of becoming a one-name celebrity — a surprising accomplishment for the reluctant star who, for most of her career, was uncomfortable in front of the camera, keeping to herself a smart and humorous personality that hid a burning desire to win.

Though she always said the right thing, Annika never took losses lightly. Each one just made her more determined to further distance herself from the competition and if victory meant putting some verbal pressure on an opponent, then so be it. Going into her 2007 playoff against Meaghan Francella, the young 25-year-old golfer asked the seasoned pro what ball she was hitting. Sorenstam’s intimidation-laden reply of “a Titleist 59” was not lost on the younger golfer. One of Annika’s greatest feats was her LPGA record round of 59 she shot in 2001.
Proof that the imposing legacy of the former world’s No. 1 has not waned was clearly evident when Sorenstam found herself in a playoff with Paula Creamer at this year’s Stanford Invitational Pro-Am. Creamer admitted that her hands shaking while putting on the first playoff hole. Sorenstam, unfazed, calmly sank the putt for her 71st LPGA win.

Over her 16-year career, Annika not only dominated her sport, but was perhaps the world’s most recognizable female athlete. She turned pro in 1992 and the next year was named the Ladies European Tour’s Rookie of the Year. A season later, now teeing it up on the LPGA Tour, she did the same. In her second year as a full-time member on the ladies’ toughest tour, Annika scored three wins and 12 top 10 finishes in 19 events while capturing her first Major and becoming the No. 1-ranked female golfer — a title she would claim eight more times in the following 11 years. She was also named LPGA Player of the Year after leading both the LPGA and European Tours’ winnings.

Over the next 13 years, she would win 69 more times on the LPGA Tour and claim nine more Majors. She was 22-11-4 in Solheim Cup matches, landed seven more Player of the Year honors, was the AP Female Athlete of the Year three times, she won an ESPY for the Best Female Golfer five times and, in 2005 and 2006, won two more ESPYs for Best Female Athlete.

Now, healthy, confident and with three wins in her first eight tournaments this year, she’s giving it up to start the family she’s wanted for several years and to watch over her ever-growing business interests, including her ANNIKA Academy, a blossoming golf course design business, stock and real estate investments.
Fellow Hall of Famer Nancy Lopez, who also left the game in her prime to start a family, said the business world is a poor substitute for the pure thrill of athletic competition — especially for someone as competitive as Annika or herself. Lopez eventually returned and no one should be surprised if in a half dozen years Sorenstam returns to reclaim what had been hers for the taking.

There was a time when White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was entertaining must-hear TV. Flung into a world of sterile sound bites and PC-ladened non-comments, Guillen’s honesty and take-no-prisoners approach to public speaking kept a nation starving for characters and truthful commentary begging for more. In the meantime, he also led the long-suffering Sox to their first World Series title in 88 years. Now, three years and a thousand tirades later, the act has grown stale and unwelcomed as his managerial star continues to fade.

Guillen’s most-recent four-lettered assault on professional conduct came last week when he agressively whined to a reporter about the city’s apparent disinterest in his underachieving team. He slammed Cub fans and anyone else who dared not to bow before the mighty, sub-.500 Sox. In a 39-second clip that actually runs closer to 35 seconds in total rant time on ESPN.com, the White Sox manager is bleeped out 13 times — many of which were of double and even triple length — while quoting TWIB notes not often replayed on the Baseball Bunch like ... “@#*&! everyone. We’re horse*#@!! and we’re going to be horse*#@!! all our lives. No matter how many World Series we win, we are the $&*!# of Chicago. We are Chicago’s $&*!#.”

If Guillen’s #### attacks were kept out of ear range within the clubhouse or limited to only undefined individuals or groups, the comments would be easier to ignore. However, since he continues to use the public platform that his position allows to crudely attack those he feels beneath him — which means everybody — or those who dare to question his seemingly self-imposed encyclopedic knowledge of the game, it’s become intolerable. Just as Chicago-Sun Times columnist Jay Mariotti discovered in 2006.

After questioning in a column the handling of reliever Sean Tracey, who was demoted after refusing an order to hit a batter from his irate manager, Guillen responded with an all-to-typical tirade that contained more bleeps than the Flavor Flav celebrity roast. “What a piece of *#@!! he is. @#*&! F**!,” he was heard to say.

Allow me to jump off track for just a moment.

Wasn’t there a time when roasts were for those who accomplished something more than being involved in the nastiest realty show hookup in TV history? Granted, Flav was once a part of hip-hop royalty, but even in that role he served more as comic relief to Chuck D’s though-provoking lyrics and perfect delivery. Then again, Flav does deserve something beyond penicillin for his death-defying coital romps with Bridgette Nielson.

Back to the subject at hand.

Even in his “apology,” Guillen still managed to describe the columnist as “a piece of *#@!!” To be fair, Mariotti has had run-ins with others on the White Sox staff, and he has been criticized for what some feel is taking cheap shots at Guillen and other team members. Even if this was the case, Guillen has been way out of line in his criticisms of the columnist and anyone else who has raised his ire over the last few years.

Major League Baseball, fans, the media and especially Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf and general manager Ken Williams have not only put up with his egotistical raving, but have actually encouraged it with steadfast support. Reinsdorf once actually suggested that Guillen is a Hispanic Jackie Mason. After viewing Caddy Shack II, it appears that the owner may not be far off. Both come across more sad than funny.

Like the journalists, fans and corporate sponsors who flock to John Daly telling him how fun-loving and interesting he is, Guillen’s support has manifested itself into an addict’s ignorance of responsibility where all fault always lies somewhere else. Baseball, though this would be a first, has to stand up and demand better behavior.

The league did add its two cents after someone displayed a few inflatable lonely hearts club love dolls with strategically placed bats in the locker room, but declined to address the topic of a manager who simply refuses to conduct himself in any sort of a professional manner. For the record, the league did not come down on the Sox for their creative use of inspirational software calling it a club matter, but at least they had an opinion.

Just to show that you don’t need bad hair to rate the NFL draft, here is yet another worthlessly wild shot at explaining the most over-hyped and unimportant two days on the sporting calendar.

Big Winners
Taking the only lineman rated higher than the rookie Pro Bowler from a year ago is certainly a good start. Among Miami’s many, many needs was a left tackle to solidify a unit that not long ago was down right awful. With tackle Jake Long, the Dolphins have an offensive line fixture for the next 10 years. Even if he proves unable to handle the left side, a move to right tackle would still mean years of solid line play to go with last year’s second round pick, center Samson Satele. The Dolphins also added line depth with guard Shawn Murphy in the third round. Grabbing Chad Henne, a four-year starter at Michigan, in the second round was another stout move as neither Josh McCown or 27-year-old sophomore QB John Beck could solidify their hold on the position last year. Miami may also have found a replacement for Jason Taylor in defensive end Phillip Merling.

When perhaps the most dominant athlete in the draft falls in your lap at No. 5, a good draft is nearly assured. Kansas City struck gold with a man so damn nasty that not even a sore hamstring, a sore back and a sprained right knee prevented him from becoming a first-team All-America and winner of the Bronco Nagurski Award, Vince Lombardi/Rotary Award, Outland Trophy and SEC Defensive Player of the Year. The hits kept coming with perhaps the third best lineman (guard/tackle Brandon Allen) in the draft to go along with plenty of help for the defensive backfield with Brandon Flowers, Dajuan Morgan and Brandon Carr. Tailback Jamaal Charles is too small to be an every-down back but his 4.37 speed is a nice addition.

With the Carolina Panthers seemingly always on everyone’s short list for an NFC title, last year’s 7-9 mark was an unquestioned disappointment. The good news for 2008 is that they were able to fill needs while getting good players in great spots. Oregon’s Jonathan Stewart has perfect NFL size at 5’ 10” and 235 to go along with a nice 4.48 40. He’s also a tougher runner than No. 4 overall pick Darren McFadden. Moving up to take massive Jeff Otah at 19 was a good move to go along with free agent O-line pick ups Milford Brown, Toniu Fonoti and Keydrick Vincent. Grabbing Penn State linebacker Dan Connor in the third round was simple larceny.

Reached
Lions’ President Matt Millen did something unusual — he actually drafted to fill needs. Unfortunately, he may have over-valued each pick. Gosder Cherilus (No. 17 overall) was a four-year starter at Boston College whose play declined after making the switch to the left side, causing his draft projection to sink to a late round one, early round two pick. Jordon Dizon may have been the best ball hawk in college since Chris Spielman, but there was no rush to grab him before the third round. The NFL doesn’t clamor for slowish, smallish linebackers no matter how impressive their stats in college. Had the Lions grabbed Rashard Mendenhall at 18, moved to get Cherilus in the second and Dizon in the third, this would have been one nice draft.

Strange
While neither Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton nor Brian Griese are as bad as Bears fans would have you believe, allowing one of the deepest quarterback classes in recent years to pass without picking a signal caller is simply dumbfounding. After Matt Ryan was picked too high at No. 3, 54 picks passed before Brian Brohm — the No. 1 ranked quarterback in the preseason — was called up to the podium as the second QB taken. The Bears could have grabbed Brohm at 44 and most likely have gotten running back Matt Forte with little effort later in the draft.

Nice Grabs
As mentioned before, Carolina getting the No. 2 ranked inside linebacker in the third round was simply a steal.

One look at Dennis Dixon and you can’t help think of a new century version of Kordell Stewart, but with more speed and perhaps a better arm. Dixon will be a project for the Steelers, but he’s an amazing athlete and could get a look at quarterback, wide receiver or maybe even some at H-back if Mike Tomlin gets frisky.

This may be a bit of a homer pick, but grabbing an accurate quarterback a year removed from a predicted first or second round slot in the sixth is a pretty nice haul. Colt Brennan will have time in Washington to sit and learn while working with one of the league’s most respected developers of quarterbacks, head coach Jim Zorn.

Mike Hart’s slow 40 time, history of injuries and size killed his chances of being anything but a mid-round pick. But the ultra-professional Colts have to love a proven leader who refuses to fumble and who has very nice hands. What more can you hope for at No. 202 in the draft?

The seventh round is a throw-away where finding a practice squad player would not constitute a wasted selection. Finding a 6-foot, 3-inch, 200 pound wide receiver who had nine catches for 153 yards vs Florida in the Capital One Bowl could turn out to be felony theft. Even if Adrian Arrington ends up being the Saints’ No. 4 wide out, that’s still a lot of production from someone who was 15 picks from being Mr. Irrelevant.

The NFL has Pacman Jones, Major League Baseball Ugueth Urbina, the NBA Ron Artest and the NHL Al “The Big Tako” Sobotka. But whereas Sobotka’s fellow scofflaws have received more acclaim for their infamous work, there may be no one associated with professional sports who can top his decade-plus acts of decadence.

Unconcerned with league rules and decent behavior, Sobotka continually dared to taunt opposing teams, fans and mollusks by hoisting his ill-gotten gain in an arrogant display of violence, all to the sickening, bloodthirsty cheers of the home crowd. That an untold number of lives have been lost and their memory mocked in the name of entertainment has not seemed to bother him in the least.

Finally, after far too long, the league has said enough is enough and has banned Sobotka’s sickening behavior. Beginning immediately, any Zamboni driver found to be twirling octopi above their heads faces a $10,000 fine by the NHL.

Sobotka, the building manager for the Joe Lewis Arena in Detroit has become a folk hero of sorts. Over the years he’s removed literally hundreds of the eight-legged cephalopods from the ice after they have been tossed over the glass by zealous fans. His tradition of spinning the sometime sticky, yet still tasty, future breaded appetizers over his head as he exits the ice has served as a rallying point for fans and has produced innumerable talking points for broadcasters.

Now all of that is gone in the name of protecting the ice from ick. That’s right. The league that has spilled more teeth and blood on the playing surface than any other is worried about octo-juices contaminating the ice as Sobotka spins the pods in joyous celebration.

Colin Campbell, the NHL’s director of hockey operations, sent out the notice that such future shenanigans will not be tolerated and that this delightful job will now be handled by the linesmen. That is, the removing of octopi following goals and not the celebratory rotating thereof.

The NHL, in its latest effort to copy the NFL’s policies of draining every bit of emotion from the game, proceeded the Sobotka rule by instituting a two-minute delay of game penalty on the home team if the game is held up because of an item thrown onto the ice. Interestingly enough, the punishment is levied only during a stoppage of play. An item tossed on the ice during play results in just a face off at the spot where play was suspended.
The rule dates back to 1996 when idiotic Panthers’ fans littered the ice with hundreds of plastic rats a few days after Scott Mellanby scored two goals in a game after killing a rat in the locker room with his stick. This led to an attempt to end the practice in Detroit, which was, of course, completely ignored by Red Wings fans, who weren’t going to let the league ruin a beloved tradition that began in 1952.

All of which has made the folks at the Superior Fish Company in Royal Oak giddy with delight as nothing has been better for business than hockey night at the Joe. What is usually a three-sales per day item grows to about 25 during the playoffs and as much as 100 during Stanley Cup Finals. Now if only Sobotka were so lucky.

After 17 years of creative labor, The Big Tako must now be content with his player-favorite barbecues and finding joy in riding the world’s biggest shave ice machine. It didn’t have to be this way. Had only fans earlier followed the rules of octoquette earlier, the rule may never have been instituted. It’s actually quite simple.

The following are guidelines for the proper decorum if one chooses to propel a cephalopod. Courtesy of The O-FISH-AL OCTOPI Supply.
1) Boil the octopus: Boiling the octopus for a half hour will remove any natural moisture (slime) and will not leave any excessive residue that may inhibit the game.
2) When to throw: The appropriate time to hurl your octopi is only immediately after a Red Wing goal. No other time is sanctioned by or recommended by our board of governors. If one does feel the need to throw it during our national anthem, we must demand that it be done only after its completion.
3) Placement: After meeting the criteria as mentioned in guidelines one and two, you must throw your octopus only in a direction away from any players, officials and personnel. You must be confident that you can easily and safely make it to your desired target area. If you have any doubt in your ability, please refrain from propelling your octopi.
I, the undersigned, hereby acknowledge that I have read and will adhere to all the guidelines as written. Failure to do so will be dealt with to the full measure that this board can call upon.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and outlandish expectation, Or to take arms and score against a sea of troubles and man-to-man defense, To which no traveler returns confident in his vote, puzzles the will, And by opposing end them to chose a winner amongst the sea of competition, Be all my sins remembered for choosing incorrectly.

History recalls not whether William Shakespeare covered the NBA as a young scribe for the Stratford Times, but even such a brilliant man of letters would stop to pause in selecting the MVP in a year where every vote is a good one and none is correct.

Whereas voters across the country were given a reprieve during the Jordan years, and whereas Kevin Garnett’s 2003-2004 campaign was so one-sided that he bested runner up Tim Duncan by 120 first place votes, this year could be the tightest race ever. Handicapping the results would be easier if this were a Heisman Trophy race. Regional voting would eliminate Chris Paul. LeBron James and Kobe Bryant would offer a tight battle for second as Kevin Garnett gobbles up the massive East Coast vote and cruises to victory. It may just play out this way.

• Kobe Bryant 28.3 points, 6.4 rebounds, 5.4 assists, 1.8 steals, .459 FG percent .840 FT percent.
The Lakers’ season was in doubt following a 42-40 season and the release of a summer cell phone video of Bryant bashing teammate Kwame Brown. The often-labeled “best player in the game” was called a great individual scorer and defender who didn’t play well with others. He even once shut it down in the post-season because of his frustration with his teammates. Now, several months later, the Lakers find themselves a favorite to win their first NBA title in the post-Shaq era.

• Chris Paul 21.1 points, 4 rebounds, 11.6 assists, 2.7 steals .488 FG percent, .852 FT percent,
With their home city in shambles, the New Orleans Hornets moved part time to Oklahoma City and finished four games under .500 a year ago, good for fourth place in the tough Southwest division. Fast forward a year and the team is the flip side of the Miami Heat. The Hornets finished one game behind the Lakers for the best record in the Western Conference because of a player who is, at 22, the best at his position and the most exciting young player to enter the league since, well, his four competitors for MVP.

• Kevin Garnett 18.8 points, 9.2 rebounds, 3.4 assists, 1.4 steals, 1.2 blocks, .539 FG percent, .801 FT percent.
No sooner had Boston brought in Garnett and Ray Allen to team with Paul Pierce then the Celtics were seemingly granted the NBA title. The Celtics didn’t disappoint, going from worst to first in the Eastern Conference while winning an incredible 42 more games than the year before. Their mid-season victory lap through Texas last month proved to any remaining critics that the Celtics are more than just a good team getting fat on easy Eastern Conference prey.

• LeBron James 30.2 points, 7.9 rebounds, 7.2 assists, 1.8 steals 1.1 blocks, .484 FG percent, .712 FT percent.
Laker fans may not like to hear it, but James is the best player in the NBA. Too quick to keep from driving to the basket and too strong should he decide to post up some unlucky foe, James is the biggest match-up nightmare in the NBA. With all due respect to Dwight Howard’s All-Star Game high-wire extravaganza, James is the true superhero of the NBA. And God show pity on the innocent team whose unwise and boisterous fan dares to challenge the king’s superiority.
And the winner is:

Garnett? Of course not. You know how these things work. The winner is always mentioned last. Garnett did help rescue the Celtics from the abyss and he was the most important part of the NBA’s second best defense, but the man had a lot of help. He was outscored by Pierce, and Allen freed up the inside for Garnett with his near 40 percent three-point shooting.

Lebron? Wrong again. Without LeBron, Cleveland would have secured a lottery pick. The Cavaliers have role players, but no one to take any of the scoring load off James. Things got worse in February when they picked up over-the-hill gang members Ben Wallace and Joe Smith along with Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West. The team sputtered to a 20-17 post-trade record and five fewer wins than the year before. James is the biggest “V” in the business, but you can’t win with a team going backward.

Kobe? Oh so close. Playing with a mangled finger on his shooting hand, Kobe did the unthinkable — he played his usually dominant role while discovering he actually had teammates. Kobe’s willingness to get everyone involved showed as L.A. vaulted to the top of the Western Conference. The only real knock against Kobe is that the Lakers’ winning percentage rose from .636 — good enough for a seventh place finish in the West — to .750 after acquiring Pau Gasol. Also, in the games that Gasol missed after joining the Lakers, the team went just 5-4.

Chris Paul. Saving the best for last. Paul was hardly alone, with David West and Peja Stojakovic, but no one was more responsible for the 17-game turnaround than the game’s most dominant point guard. Under his leadership, the Hornets improved their offense from 95.5 points to 100.9, and their defense by 1.5 points per. Most impressive was that Paul’s numbers weren’t pumped up against poor competition. Paul averaged 22.6 points and 11 assists against Western Conference playoff teams and was even better against his biggest adversary for the award. Versus Bryant, Paul scored 23.2 per game while dishing out an average of 15 assists.

While neither NBA commissioner David Stern nor his NCAA counterpart Myles Brandt will speak of it publicly by name, the idea of adding a second year to the NBA’s holding period is something both want and need.

Speaking only of a “wide-ranging initiative” for youth basketball at the NCAA finals a week ago, the heads of the world’s two biggest basketball corporations danced around the subject that would save the NBA from its own wasteful economic practices and the NCAA from forsaking any remaining academic credibility.

Neither revelation is likely to occur anytime soon, since the NBA must get the OK from the players union, which has a deal through 2011, and because the NCAA has traditionally cowered to the pressure of the big-time institutions that generate most of the organization’s income.

Since the NBA changed its eligibility rule, college basketball has become nothing more than a weigh station for high school hot shots with no interest in the academic pursuits the NCAA supposedly mandates from its so-called student athletes. It is the height of hypocrisy to suggest that an athlete can make progress toward a degree when the entire intended commitment lasts no longer than six months, and in which only the least possible academic effort is made for half that time. Yet that’s exactly what the NCAA has allowed to happen.

No sooner had the season finished when the great annual exodus of players resumed its flood away from college campuses with declarations of entering the NBA draft. The departure of O.J. Mayo — who was an obvious one-and-done NCAA rent-a-player while still a senior at Huntington High School — will surely not help USC’s graduation numbers that boasted a 29 percent success rate, according to the most recent NCAA study that tracked graduation rates over a four-year period ending in 2000. Neither shall Texas A&M’s DeAndre Jordan (40 percent), LSU’s Anthony Randolph (38 percent) or Arizona’s Jerryd Bayless, whose institute of higher learning has managed to graduate only 25 percent of its male basketball players even after its head coach, Lute Olsen, years ago publicly denounced such players as not worth the resources spent on recruiting. The numbers for African-American athletes at the tops schools are even more disturbing.

Richard E. Lapchick, director of the Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport at the University of Central Florida, reported in Street & Smiths SportsBusiness Journal that “61 percent of the men’s tournament teams graduated 70 percent or more of their white basketball student-athletes, while only 30 percent graduated 70 percent or more of their African-American basketball student athletes.”

Not that any of this had to happen.

While many coaches and athletic directors cowardly claim that participating in such academically irresponsible practices are necessary evils of athletic success, or that these decisions are made on a case-by-case basis and that they recruit these players with the idea that they will stick around for a couple of years, the truth is that bowing to ever-demanding boosters and prima dona 18-year-olds lowers the academic credibility of the institution while having little effect on the schools’ ability to win.

Final Four contender North Carolina managed to get 86 percent of its players into caps and gowns. Indiana graduated 78 percent. Mid-major standout and No. 8 Xavier hit 90 percent, Davidson 91, while 2006 and 2007 champion Florida scored a perfect 100.

Recent academic initiatives — which include the Academic Progress Rate program that punishes schools by taking away scholarships — have raised athletic graduation rates as a whole to a number greater than those of the regular student body. But with mens basketball at an NCAA low 61 percent and some schools such as Florida A&M graduating a pathetic 17 percent of its players, significant work remains.

Unlike the NBA, the NCAA is free to act unilaterally without the approval of other organizations. By requiring a minimum of a two-year commitment, it would be able to better fake academic concern while keeping star players on board for bigger TV ratings and alumni support. Some concessions by the universities would have to be made. Where currently scholarships are renewed on a yearly basis, schools also would have to commit at least two years to the athlete.

Opponents of such a deal may argue that requiring greater commitments from the athletes would allow the bigger programs to stockpile players while lessening the chances of the mid-majors. But the number of freshman-to-the-NBA types is small and the four-year deep programs at smaller schools would still allow for tournament success.

Plus the NBA would save millions.

Not since Larry Craig relieved himself in a Minneapolis airport bathroom while humming the opening score to La Cage Aux Folles has the cloak and dagger world of titillating, back door investigations taken such an unusual turn. Last week, Jose Canseco found himself face to face with baseball’s Keystone Kops of steroidal investigators in the private reading room of a Manhattan Barnes & Noble.

Canseco was at the bookseller peddling his latest version of Chicken Soup for the Vindictive Soul when he was approached by investigators who have been tasked by Bud Selig to flush out any wrong-doers, so long as they don’t reside in team or league offices.

Canseco was escorted to a second floor restroom where two security guards blocked the entrance from anyone wanting to spend a few quiet moments with French impressionist paintings. Once inside the tiled dome of silence, the investigators picked  Canseco for information about steroid use while setting up possible future rendezvous to help baseball determine whether or not St. Gregory was correct in his belief that a secure camode was indeed the best place for uninterrupted reading or that the St. Gregory Hotel and Suites in Washington D.C. really does have luxurious bathrooms as reported by tripadvisor.com A spokesperson for his publisher Simon & Schuster confirmed that Canseco would be hitting future rooms of repose in Boston, Chicago, L.A. San Diego, Oakland and San Francisco.

Citing a universal rule of men’s room conversation that limits discussion among even the closest of allies to little more than a nod and a possible “Sup” with absolutely no vertical eye movement, Canseco’s attorney Robert Saunooke said he was in shock at the meeting. An appropriate response but one that suddenly degraded and becomes a bit unnerving when, according to Florida Today, Saunooke disturbingly added, “I’ve got goose bumps.” Possibly so did the 150 people waiting in line to purchase Canseco’s list of Big Names, Big Liars, and his Battle to Save Baseball, but unlike Canseco’s legal counsel they weren’t being confined to a room where the biggest recreational activity is playing water hockey with a urinal cake.

What exactly is baseball’s interest in Jose after all these years remains to be seen. They gave him a wide berth after the publication of his first book even after it proved to be unsettlingly accurate. He’s testified before Congress and talked with George Mitchell during his investigation into the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs, but until now he has had no official dealings directly with Major League Baseball. Maybe Selig is finally paying attention. Maybe he just wants to play Alex Rodriguez for a day and make a run at Canseco’s former wife or at least be an observer at the next Jessica Canseco/Debbie Clemens #### comparison party where no talk of steroids ever occurred. No word yet on whether Magglio Ordonez also tried to go through the former Hooters waitress' drive through but the smart money on league interest involves squashing any future editions of Jose Canseco's Baseball Camp.

In 1989, the mulleted, stuttering slugger tried to keep his athletically challenged students awake with such expert advise as “hit the ball harder” and “aim for the middle of the ball.”

And while Canseco may never be mentioned with Ted Williams or Charlie Lau when discussions arise about the masters of hitting theory, he did recognize the importance of nutrician and  developing a proper athletic physique. In a performance more wooden that anything William Shatner could have conjured up Bill Foran, a former strength and conditioning coach at the University of Miami, warned the kids about the dangers of steroids as Canseco nods in agreement while conjuring up images of the Moscow Music Peace Festival which brought together the likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Motley Crue to promote a drug-free Soviet Union.

Even if Canseco’s next trek into the world of literary prowess finds no bidders for "One More Dead Horse to Kick: A Final Grab for Cash," he’ll always have Manhattan.

Nearly 10 minutes of big hits from both sports. Enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnwYhSz2P5E&feature
=related

With the positively mediocre preseason predictions for the 2007 season designated shredder food, it’s time to once again wade into the unpredictable future that is the 2008 Major League Baseball season.

AL East
While the New York Yankees will put a lot of hurtin’ on pitchers, this division belongs to the Red Sox. The team is loaded offensively with Manny, Big Papi and Mike Lowell, but for the team that scored the third most runs in the league, it’s the pitching staff that separates them from the Yankees and every other team in the AL. Boston led the league with a 3.87 ERA last season and boasts two Cy Young candidates and enough depth that their fifth starterr was good for 12 wins. Even if the staff struggles, which could very well happen as the long season took its toll on Daisuke Matsuzaka while Curt Schilling battled injuries and age, their offense and bullpen will get them into post-season play. And that’s where it will get scarier for AL teams because of the Sox top four relievers racked up 46 saves and a combined era of 2.05.

AL Central
A year ago the Tigers were one win behind Boston for the best record in baseball at the All-Star break just to have it collapse as injuries devastated their pitching staff and cost DH Gary Sheffield a large part of the second half. Though pitching remains a concern, a similar break down is unlikely as this team will simply bash its way to the division crown. Defensive improvements will also help if for no other reason than moving stone-handed shortstop Carlos Guillen to first but hitting will be the star of the show. The Tigers’ likely batting order for 2008 hit .302, .341, .265, .363, .320, .296, .330, .280 and .285 a year ago. Included in this onslaught was 168 home runs in the pitching-friendly park and 762 RBI. Don’t be surprised if Miguel Cabrera wins the AL MVP award.

AL West
Provided that John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar and Scott Shields have no lingering effects from their injuries, the Angles will win their fourth division title in five years. The Mariners, with the addition of starter Erik Bedard, will make it a close, but the Angles should be able to pull this one off. In addition to strengthening their pitching staff with Jon Garland, the Angels finally found some offensive help for All-Star Vladimir Guerrero. The outfield of Garret Anderson (.297, 16, 80), newcomer Torii Hunter (.287, 28, 107 and 18 stolen bases) and Guerrero (.324, 27, 125) gives Los Angeles the firepower to weather early season pitching problems. Hunter’s addition also means better defense and more production out of the DH spot with Gary Matthews Jr. (.252, 18, 72, 18 stolen bases) being relieved of fielding duties.

NL East
If you think the Mets season-ending collapse won’t happen again, well, you’re right. But even with Johan Santana, it will hardly be a cakewalk to the division title because, surprisingly, pitching could be their downfall. Offensively the team is set with some of the best young hitters in the game, but outside of the possible 2008 NL Cy Young Award winner, the staff has holes. Pedro Martinez did post a 2.57 ERA a year ago but it was in only five starts and he hasn’t really put it together since 2005. He’s also 37 years old. John Maine is young and had a break-out year in 2007, but he’s no lock to repeat. Likewise for Oliver Perez, whose 15 wins last year were more than his combined totals in the three previous seasons. The bullpen is solid with Billy Wagner, but as a unit the relief corps pitched 500-plus innings a year ago and could falter if once again asked to carry such a load. Any bump in the road, and the Phillies will once again take over.

NL Central
Milwakee’s rotation is short and they have a retread at closer. The Cardinals’ starting five will be a piecemeal project while Matt Clement, Mark Mulder, Joel Pineiro and Chris Carpenter slowly come off the DL over the next few months. That leaves the Cubs as repeat winners of the division and it isn’t totally due to the shortcomings of others. A year ago Chicago had the second best team ERA in the league. Carlos Zambrano has a fine backup in Ted Lilly, who won 15 games last year and has reduced his ERA each season for the past three years. Rich Hill is in his third year, and though he has struggled this spring is a lock at No. 3. Hitting looks to improve with the addition of highly regarded import Kosuke Fukudome and promising catcher Geovany Soto, who hit .389 in 12 games last year.

NL West
Good luck picking what has been baseball’s tightest, but hardly best, division over the past few years. A year ago three teams finished within one-and-a-half games of each other, and No. 4 made the biggest off-season move by bringing in arguably baseball’s best manager. San Diego had the best staff in the league last year with Arizona coming in at No. 4. Unfortunately, neither team could hit worth a lick finishing at two final spots on the board. Colorado and Los Angeles finishing atop the hitting category, but couldn’t match their two interdivisional rivals in pitching. Flip a coin if you must, but with solid starting pitching, an outstanding closer, the signing of Andruw Jones and a young and talented James Loney who — at the time of this writing — was hitting .331 during spring and the Dodgers are the team to beat in the National League West.

AL Playoffs
Boston, Detroit, Los Angeles, Cleveland
Even with Chien-Ming Wang fronting the rotation and Joba Chamberlain likely to move into a starting role, the Yankees’ long-in-the-tooth pitching staff is finally too much to overcome. Cleveland, a 96-game winner last year, beats Boston and Detroit out powers L.A. to set up a American League Central showdown for league supremacy.

NL Playoffs
Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia
The deeper Dodgers get past Philly while Chicago provides some hope after a century of failure by defeating the Mets and getting to the division finals.

World Series
Detroit’s lack of bullpen strength becomes obvious as the team cannot hold its early leads and Cleveland moves on to the World Series to play Los Angeles as once again the Cubs suffer another season of disappointment.
Indian fans, who themselves have suffered through 50 years of losing, celebrate their team’s victory at the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame.
Where else are they going to go?

Job Wanted:
Broken down slugger with bad knees and defensive liabilities is seeking a high paying job with a contending team. Will only bat third and requires two lockers, La-Z-Boy recliner, large screen TV — off limits to teammates — and private trainers with run of the locker room. Does not play well with others and may need time off to fight bogus charges and assassination attempts to character. Will also blame others for personal shortcomings. Only serious offers need to apply. Contact Jeff Borris or Donald Fehr with concessions.

With the Major League Baseball season just a week away, Fehr is concerned that the game’s all-time leading home run hitter, Clearasil-user and friend to the oppressed is still without a job. So astonished by the development is he that he’s looking into the matter to see if the Major League clubs have come together to purposely keep his man out of the game. No word yet from the union head on whether the player’s health, popularity or his possible future residency in the Hotel de Vertical Sunlight has had any adverse affect on Bonds’ contract status. Tampa briefly discussed bringing him aboard and Cardinal manager Tony LaRussa endorsed the idea of Barry replacing another former lumbering long ball specialist who has since gone into hiding. Unfortunately for baseball’s resident genius, the notion was shot down faster than Mark McGwire with a bottle of Winstrol.

Bonds’ only value is to an American League team with a hole at DH that is looking for a big bat to get them into the playoffs. This rules out every team in the East as only Boston and New York are playoff bound with neither in need of extra fire power and poorer defense should they decide to put him elsewhere. Detroit will crush its way to the Central title and needs relief help. Cleveland is secure with Travis Hafner while the White Sox have Jim Thome and a psycho manager who reserves the role of dugout buffoon to himself. After moving Johan Santana, Minnesota now boasts a pitching staff that returns only one starter — Kevin Slowey, 4-1 — with a winning record. Bringing Bonds on board would only satisfy the requirement of losing by a closer margin. The Angels are the best team in the West and were already the majors’ sixth-best run producers before Torii Hunter was signed. Seattle, on the other hand, was seventh in the American League in scoring and could use another bat but lacks cash after the Mariners committed $100 million to Ichiro Suzuki. The Bay Area still loves the ornery former left fielder and Billy Beane is an OBP fan, but the A’s are going nowhere.

But the future is not totally bleak for the future Hall of Famer. The Lake Elsinore Storm, a Class-A affiliate of the San Diego Padres, has put forth an offer to Bonds in it’s media relations department. In the not-to-be-taken-seriously memo offering Bonds the “cushy media job,” Storm general manager Chris Jones said, “We just think the way he has handled the media with such grace over the years that he would be a perfect fit in our media relations department.”

No word yet on if Barry is considering the position.