Recently, I was at my old Aunt Esmerelda's house for my weekly brunch/tea leaf reading. Poor Aunt Esmie doesn't get many visitors, since most of the family feel she's nutty as a fruitcake, but I like her. She understands me. Plus, she serves one mean bacon and mushroom quiche.
Anyway, Esmerelda's eyesight isn't what it used to be, and instead of drinking from her cream soda, she accidentally sipped from her goblet filled with tea leaves soaking in rainwater. As she was rinsing her mouth out with ginger water in the bathroom, I decided to take a peek at the goblet. Just a peek.
Oddly, what I saw weren't fortunes at all, they were lost and found entries from some newspaper. I wasn't too sure what they all meant, but here they are. Maybe you can figure them out.
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**********LOST: One home run stroke. Last seen on May 7 leaving Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. I've been searching desperately for my stroke. Also known to go by the names of Dinger, Tater, Blast, Bomb, Round-Tripper, Big Fly, Four-Bagger and others. Needed badly, I can't go on much longer without it. Have cash, will pay big money for return of home run stroke, no questions asked. Call 555-JUCE and ask for Barry.
**********FOUND: Winning attitude, says it belongs in Los Angeles, but never seen in this part of the city before. Keeps repeating something like "Lakes," or possibly "Lakers." Contact us quickly at www.laclippers.com or we're keeping it.
**********LOST: Intimidation and swagger, sometime over this past winter. Last seen while I was intimidating my 16 year old unacknowledged daughter by threatening to sue her mother, haven't scared anyone since. If seen, approach carefully. Call 555-UNIT before my season is a total loss. Please.
**********LOST: Large #### of cash, somewhere around $50 million to $60 million. Had it when I entered the Vegas city limits and now it's gone. Possibly misplaced in Caesar's Palace, Tropicana, Wynn, MGM Grand, Bally's, Bellagio, New York New York, Mirage or other casino. Not too sure, I was drinking at the time. Will consider reward for return of cash - say free golf lessons? Call 555-FOOL and ask for John. Not too early please, I like to sleep late.
**********FOUND: New home in Boston. Friendly Monster in yard. Having double the fun here I had in Florida. No number to call because I'm never going back. HAH! Mike Lowell.
**********LOST: Baseball games and fans. Lots of them. We're sorry that we're sorry. Please come back, we're major leaguers too, sort of. RSVP to www.royals.com . P.S. We used to win a lot.
**********LOST: 1) Temper. 2) Control of bat. 3) Job - at least for fifty games. **********FOUND: Lots of free time. I'm discovering this isn't an even exchange. Can't wait to get to big leagues, where they don't suspend you for throwing things at umpires. Just ask Bernie Williams. Looking for pen pal to help pass all the free time. Write to Delmon, at www.durhambulls.com.
**********LOST: "L" out of first name. I like to think I'm a wily character, but wish to be known as Willy Mo. If found, please return my "L" to Wily Mo, at www.bostonredsox.com.
**********LOST: That lovin' feeling. Can't stand Barry Bonds, because he's mean to people. Plus he wants to hit home run(s) off me. Not just any home run(s), but big, historic one(s). Please return that lovin' feeling to Russ Springer, www.astros.mlb.com. I'd like it back for when we're not playing the Giants.
Now that Trot Nixon is back in right field for the Red Sox, at least until his next groin strain/pulled hamstring/back spasms/bruised thigh muscle, Wily Mo Pena returns to the role for which he was acquired - spelling Nixon in right field against some lefthanded starters, and pinch-hitting.
While Nixon was out, however, Pena got an unnerving welcome to Boston, having to play the cavernous right field in Fenway for much of the first homestand, and looking like a deer caught in the headlights for most of his time out there. After a couple of defensive misadventures, in which he turned a fly ball to the wall into a homerun and misplayed a single into a triple, he clearly was hoping for the ball to go to any of the other eight guys on the field, ten if you include the ball attendants down the right and left field lines.
Watching him play defense made me think of Robert Redford in "The Natural," and the reverence with which Redford treats his bat. With Pena, though, it's his glove. He clearly is so fond of it that he doesn't want to risk damaging it by using it to snare a ball.
I was able to get a few minutes alone with Pena's glove while Wily Mo was whiffing....uh, I'm sorry, batting, during a recent game. The glove was kind enough to grant me a short interview. Here is the transcript from that meeting.
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HalfBaked: Thank you very much for taking the time to chat with me. What would you like me to call you?
Wily Mo's Glove: Well, Wily Mo calls me Holy, so that would be fine.
HalfBaked: Holy, that's interesting. Were you considering a career in the Ministry before getting into baseball?
Holy (Laughing): No, no, nothing like that, ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. No, he calls me "Holy" because he says that sometimes it seems like I have holes in me. He says he has the ball lined up perfectly but it goes right through!
HalfBaked: So Wily Mo has a good sense of humor then....
Holy: Sense of humor? Maybe you didn't hear me, he thinks I have holes in me, I'm pretty sure he's not kidding. I can't complain though, Wily Mo is my hero, he treats me so well!
HalfBaked: Really, how's that?
Holy: Oh, it's lots of different things. Like for example, he plays fun games with me. That first appearance in right field, he let me play bouncy-ball with a long fly. Instead of just catching it - how boring would that be? - he let me bounce it right into the bullpen! It was so much fun!
HalfBaked: Yeah, Keith Foulke looked like he enjoyed it as well.
Holy: Here's another thing. I get lots of fresh air when I'm in the outfield. I hardly ever have to do any work, you know, like catching balls. Another time last week, Wily Mo let me skim along just above the grass and wave to the ball as it went flying past. I gotta tell ya, that ball moves faster than you might think.
HalfBaked: Faster than Wily Mo might think, too. Doesn't it hurt when that hard baseball smacks into your leather?
Holy: Hmmm, let me think. Ummm, it's been awhile since that happened, I don't really remember. I'd do it for Wily Mo though if he ever asked me to. He's my hero!
HalfBaked: Yes, so you said. Oh, here comes Wily Mo now. Do you think I might be able to ask his batting glove a few questions?
Holy: Oh, man, I don't think that's such a good idea. That batting glove is pretty ornery most of the time. All she ever gets to do is hold that bat for three swings, then it's right back into Wily Mo's back pocket as he sits on her until his next at-bat. No, that glove is no fun at all.
HalfBaked: Okay, thanks for the tip, Holy. So the batting glove is a she, huh? What's her name?
Holy: Her? Oh, he calls her Kay. Or maybe it's K, I'm not really too sure....
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
