Lance Armstrong is one impressive guy. There is his inspirational victory over cancer, his unprecedented seven Tour de France victories, his cool 1970's porn-star name.
But apparently Lance Armstrong is more than just a seven-time Tour de France-winning cancer survivor with a cool, 1970's porn-star name. Lance Armstrong is a guy looking for love. Or at least a little nookie.
Never mind that he was once married to the woman who stood by him during his fight against testicular cancer and that he had three children with her. After their marriage ended it was on to "celebrity couple-dom" with rocker Sheryl Crow and then fashion designer Tory Burch.
Now, though, Armstrong has continued his march down the age ladder, being seen most recently with 21 year old actress Ashley Olsen. According to the New York Post, the acknowledged expert in these sorts of things, the couple was seen in the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night. "Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night."
Red Wine! Sounds like true love. Nothing says romance quite like a night of making out at a bar.
The obvious question: Where was Mary-Kate? Half-Baked Ravings was unable to contact the other half of the Olsen Twin duo, stars of the smash 1980's television hit, "Full House." According to her publicist, Mary-Kate Olsen is busy pursuing her own ageing, over-the-hill athlete, but is having trouble landing him. Apparently, Tim McCarver eats dinner at 4:00 and is in bed by 6:30, or about the same time Mary-Kate is getting up for the day.
So, what comes next for Armstrong? Where does he go from here when he tires of the tiny, barely-out-of-her-teens actress? When he decides to trade her in for a younger model?
Sources say Armstrong has already picked out Disney Channel star Hannah Montana as his next conquest. The young teen's parents were unavailable for comment, as they had been informed by an anonymous tipster of the 36 year-old's interest in their daughter, and are rumored to be busy interviewing contractors to #### a huge fence, similar to the one not going up along the border with Mexico, around their property to keep Armstrong out. If true, this would be one of the biggest erections in Hollywood history.
We caught up with Hannah Montana herself and asked her about Lance Armstrong. Her reaction: "Lance Armstrong? What is that, some kind of gross medical procedure? I would have to be heavily sedated for that. No one is Lancing my Armstrong without me being completely out of it." Oddly, those were the exact words of Armstrong's first wife whenever he approached her with romance on his mind.
Updates as they become available, or when I can keep food down again.
A couple of hours until the start of Game Four. Can't help thinking about my dad, who lived 76 years on this earth and never got to see the Sox win a World Series and now I'm on the brink of seeing the second in four years. Wow.
1) Del Carmen is the new Gagne.
When the Red Sox outbid several other teams to acquire Eric Gagne from the Texas Rangers, the thinking around Boston was that he would solidify an already strong bullpen and allow Hideki Okajima to pitch the seventh inning, Gagne the eighth and then Papelbon the ninth. Somewhere between Arlington, Texas and Boston, though, Gagne forgot how to get people out.
No problem. Last night Manny Del Carmen took over the eighth inning setup role, and even though he fell behind every batter he faced, missing high with his fastball which he can run up there at 94-97mph, he was able to work a scoreless inning and turn it over to the closer.
Maybe Gagne will figure things out over the winter, but if not, it doesn't seem like it will be a huge problem for next year.
2) You can take the manager out of the National League, but you can't take the National League out of the manager.
Along about the fifth inning, Tim McCarver, the resident expert on the World Series broadcasts, starting predicting how it was likely we would see a defensive replacement for Manny Ramirez in left field. Coco Crisp would enter the game defensively in center, and Jacoby Ellsbury would move to right field to help cover the spacious outfield at Coors. He even expressed surprise when Manny started the bottom of the sixth inning in left.
Terry Francona had it figured out, though, waiting to substitute and making two double-switches during pitching changes in consecutive innings, moving the pitchers spot around to avoid having to waste a pinch-hitter should the pitcher's spot come up in the following inning.
I have to admit, I didn't see it coming, but it seems to me that McCarver should have at least recognized the possibility, especially considering he spent most o####reat career playing in the National League.
3) DH? Who needs a DH?
Dice-K may not have had much of a batting stance, but he helped his own cause by pulling a ground ball single between third and short to drive in two runs during the six-run third inning. Josh Beckett, who fancies himself quite the hitter, might just be pulling for a Colorado win tonight so he can get a chance to show his stuff at the plate in Game Five.
When I first heard the ALCS and World Series were going to be broadcast on Fox, I was a little disappointed. As a Red Sox fan, I'm spoiled all year by the telecasting duo of Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy, two guys who have fun but are also extremely knowledgeable about the game and interesting to listen to.
When it comes to the Fox team of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver I'm a bit conflicted. Buck is okay, although he seems to try a little too hard, but McCarver is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Whenever he talks I can't help thinking of Dustin Hoffman in "Rainman." Every so often, out of nowhere, he comes up with a brilliant insight into the game of baseball, but trying to dig through the rest of the pointless and often inaccurate drivel is just too tiring.
Of course, compared to some of the stuff coming out of the TBS (Totally Boring Station) games, Buck and McCarver are shining beacons of sanity, but I digress. If you're still reading by now, thanks for not giving up on me Mom and allow me to present my point, if I can still remember what it was: With the possible exception of anything Craig Sager says, there is nothing more intrusive and uninformative than those stupid little mini-interviews they do in the dugouts during the game with the managers of the two teams.
When did it become necessary to talk to the head guy while the game is going on? Do they not have enough access during the seemingly thousands of pre- and post-game interviews to ask their questions? And why are all the questions the same? "Thanks for being with us. Your guy is really thowing the ball well today, isn't he?" "Uh, yeah, he sure is, but so is their guy...(Manager looks at his watch, gritting his teeth and scratching himself and hoping he isn't missing out on anything important)"
Could you imagine a TV announcing team trying to interview one of the old-school managers from years ago, like, say, Earl Weaver or Ralph Houk? "Earl, Jim Palmer has really got it going on today, doesn't he?" "Who the hell is this and why are you interrupting my nap?" "This is the announcing team up in the booth, Earl." "Oh. Well go away and leave me alone. I'm busy waiting for a three-run home run. And tell Sager to stop bothering the players' wives. He's creeping them out."
I realize it's only baseball, not something really important like rocket science or the IRS, but can't they leave the poor guys alone while they're working? I know I wouldn't appreciate some guy quizzing me on why I turned United Airlines in front of American on final; it's enough of a pain when the supervisor does it.
Finally, what comes next? Do they mic up all the players and get an instant analysis when something big happens? "Joe Blow, this is Joe Buck up in the booth. What happened on that easy double-play ball you threw into the right-field stands, allowing two unearned runs to score?" "Mother[BLEEP], leave me the f[BLEEP] alone, I'm gonna f[BLEEP]ing kill you, you sonofa[BLEEP]!" "Whoa, we seem to be having technical difficulties, let's go to the pitcher instead and get his reaction..."
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
