I have a question for you, and please be honest with your answer. Before yesterday, had you ever given even one second's consideration to the term "celebrity chef?"

No? Good, me neither. I was afraid I had missed out on some huge cultural phenomenon everyone hipper than me (everyone else, in other words) knew about, like riding dirty or the first five years of American Idol.

But when I saw those few words in the Foxsports headlines yesterday, that deliciously enticing tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament," I just knew I had to investigate. Who wouldn't? How could anyone possibly read that description and not click on the link?

After all, so many questions immediately spring to mind. What will Dunkin' Donuts do if it was Rachel Ray? Who's going to fill all those lonely hours in the middle of the night on the Food Channel if Bobby Flay was injured? Did Phil Mickelson finally lose it and Emeril Lagasse bravely stepped in the way and took the bullet meant for Tiger?

Okay, another moment of honesty, please. How did we end up with so many "celebrity chefs" all of a sudden? They're like that stubborn mold in the far corner of your bathroom ceiling, way in the back of the shower stall - you never saw it coming but now you can't get rid of it. Do we really need that many people to show us how to bake a blintz or add a dash of celantro to stuff?

I only ask because to me a gourmet meal is ordering two toppings on my large pizza instead of the customary one. I wouldn't know a five-star meal if it kicked me in the taste buds, but again, maybe I'm the only one.

Anyway, back to the point - that tantalizingly beautiful tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament." I quite naturally clicked the link, only to discover some guy who looks like he should be hosting a snooty show on PBS got shot in the arm by, sheriff's deputies guessed, someone shooting a gun up in the air a mile or two away.

What goes up must come down and so "Celebrity Chef" Paul Prudhomme got struck with the falling piece of lead, thinking he got stung by a bee on the arm. Are you kidding me?

Now, don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish any harm on Paul Prudhomme, I'm glad he wasn't seriously hurt, although if he's a celebrity, shouldn't I have at least heard of him? I mean, I don't have to know all about him, I admit I'm not really up on the latest pop culture the way you probably are, but I never once heard of the guy! Aren't there any sort of guidelines on who gets to be considered a "celebrity" and who doesn't?

Or is Paul Prudhomme now considered a celebrity simply because he had the misfortune to be in the way of a falling bullet? Is that all it takes in today's celebrity-mad society? On the other hand, maybe that's only fair anyway - at least getting shot was more than Paris Hilton has accomplished.

We are witnessing some impressive winning streaks in the world of sports right now, streaks that might not be getting the attention they deserve. It seems all the headlines are going to the college football players getting arrested for thuggish behavior, or the professional baseball players trying to defend themselves against charges they abused performance-enhancing drugs, but there are some amazing things happening if you know where to look.

First you have Tiger Woods and his five PGA Tour wins in a row. If you don't follow golf you may not have a full appreciation for exactly what Woods has accomplished. Every PGA tournament sees him competing against not just one opponent, but 64 or more, all of whom are among the best in the world at their craft, and all of whom are more than capable of getting hot and winning a tournament.

In fact, the second place finisher in Woods's latest victory, at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, is a guy you may never have heard of, Bart Bryant. Although relatively unknown, at least to anyone who's not a follower of tournament golf, Bryant has already won over $850,000 on the tour this year, and was the only player in the entire field at Bay Hill to break par all four rounds in the Palmer Invitational. Amazing.

Then there is the Houston Rockets and their amazing 22-game NBA winning streak, the second-longest in league history. This is coming from a team that was barely over .500 when the streak began, and they have now vaulted to the top spot in the NBA West standings.

The Rockets have not lost since January 27, and during their streak haven't just been winning, they've been dominating. The average margin of victory for Houston in the last 22 games has been 12.4 points, and of the last fourteen wins, their closest game has been an eight-point squeaker over Atlanta on March 12. Amazing.

But perhaps the most impressive streak is one you are likely unaware of. Everyone knows it's college basketball's conference tournament time, and with all the emphasis on the men's tournaments and who made it to the NCAA field of 64, women's basketball doesn't get much notice.

But consider this: Old Dominion's women's team, the Lady Monarchs, overcame an 18-point deficit against Virginia Commonwealth Sunday to win - get this - their seventeenth consecutive Colonial Athletic Association conference championship.

Old Dominion joined the CAA prior to the 1991-92 season and since joining, have not lost a conference tournament game. Ever. They have gone 50-0 in the last 17 years in the CAA Tournament and, obviously, won it every year. On Sunday, a game Virginia Commonwealth team rode a hot streak of 3-pointers to a 34-16 lead midway through the first half, but from there on out it was all Old Dominion. Seventeen conference championships in a row. Amazing.

Okay kids, quiet down, everybody take your seats, it's time for a pop quiz. Hey, you. That's right, you there in Fargo, North Dakota. I see you slipping the cheat sheet under your test paper. Don't worry, it's open book and multiple choice, you'll be fine. Is everyone ready? Got your #2 pencil sharpened? Okay then, here we go:


1) How long will Roger Clemens be sleeping on the couch after throwing his wife under the bus in his Congressional testimony?

A) One month

B) Six months

C) Forever

D) Couch? Try the basement, or maybe the garage in the back seat of the Bentley.


2) What would be the most interesting event to be invited to?

A) The Grand Jury deliberations when the government presents its perjury case against Roger Clemens.

B) Michael Vick Day at the Westminster Dog Show.

C) Movie Night at Bill Belichick's house.

D) A backstage pass to anywhere Erin Andrews is broadcasting from.


3) You are facing Tiger Woods in the Accenture Match Play Championships and you have a three hole lead with five holes to go. You:

A) Talk trash on the tee, since there's no way even Tiger could come back from that sort of insurmountable deficit.

B) Start preparing your excuses, since only Tiger Woods could come back from that sort of insurmountable deficit.

C) Hope for a freak thunderstorm to roll through, hitting you with a bolt of lightning, thus preventing you from blowing such an insurmountable lead.

D) Walk off the course. You're toast.


4) Manny Ramirez states publically that he wants to finish his career in Boston. This means:

A) He will wait until August to demand a trade this year, rather than July.

B) He knows no other park has a scoreboard he can disappear into when he gets bored out in left field.

C) He will retire at the end of 2008.

D) Nothing. He never really knows where he is anyway.


5) You are Roger Clemens and it has just come out that someone has a photograph proving you were at the Canseco party you swore you didn't attend, the one where Brian McNamee says you inquired about steroids. You:

A) Continue to vehemently deny you were there, producing a receipt from the local Piggly Wiggly for the date and hours in question to prove you were elsewhere at the time.

B) Desperately try to find out the photographer's name so you can have a little "private time" with him, like you did with your ex-nanny before she testified to what a great guy you are and how she remembered you were playing golf that exact day ten years ago.

C) Insist the photographer is misremembering the date he took the photo, saying Canseco had parties almost every day that summer and you attended every other party but that one, so the photo must be from a different day.

D) Admit that yes, you were at the party, but only for five minutes to pick up the missus after she got her usual round of shots of HGH from Brian McNamee that you only found out about afterward and were very angry about.


Okay class, pencils down everyone, time is up. How did we do?

Do you recognize this man? Ever seen him before? Me neither, and don't feel badly that you don't know who he is. The world's preeminent player in his sport didn't know who he was either until yesterday.

The man's name is Damien McGrane and he is a professional golfer from Ireland; the 319th-ranked professional golfer in the world, to be exact. Now, while that ranking doesn't sound like much, imagine for a moment being acknowledged as the 319th-best person in the entire world at whatever it is you do to earn a living, and you begin to realize that it may not be so bad after all.

It's probably safe to say that not many people outside McGrane's immediate circle of family and friends know who he is either, but that all changed, at least for a few hours, on Saturday, as Damien McGrane was paired with golf's Number One, Tiger Woods, in the final grouping for the third round of the Dubai Desert Classic.

As someone who's often not the 319th-best player on the course at any particular point in time, I wonder what McGrane was thinking as he stepped up to the first tee to begin his round on Saturday. He certainly couldn't have been prepared for the huge throngs of spectators following the golf world's biggest rock star around the course - The buzz of anticipation, the whirring and clicking of cameras on the backswing, it would all have to be very heady stuff for McGrane, at least until he realized it was all for Tiger, caught in the process of doing something historic like tying a shoelace or cleaning his balls.

 According to the Associated Press, about a dozen fans followed McGrane's group around the course during Friday's second round, and that number included the 36 year-old former club pro's sisters. No doubt more people than that dig through Tiger's garbage cans on trash collection day in Jupiter, Florida.

McGrane claimed not to be nervous about the matchup, though, saying, "He has his game and I have my game, and I try to do the best with what I have. That's what it's about, isn't it?" Apparently he meant it, too, as he outscored Tiger for the day, shooting an even-par 72 to Tiger's 73, leaving both men in a tie for fifth place, four strokes behind leader Ernie Els, who blistered the desert course with a 65.

Heading into Sunday's final round, it would require a momentous charge for either man to overtake Els and walk away with a win, of which Tiger has 62 more as a professional than McGrane, who is looking for his first.

 History says if it were to be accomplished by either man, Woods would be the one to manage it. But for at least one round, Damien McGrane proved he could hunt the biggest game of all, taming Tiger Woods in the swirling sands of the Middle East.

You know how sometimes you begin to say something before you really have the thought formed in your brain? "Foot in Mouth" disease, I believe it's called.
Everyone has been there, usually after a few drinks at a party or some such similar occasion. You want to say something complimentary about the beautiful outfit your neighbor's wife is wearing, so, flushed with goodwill and Jim Beam, you sing out, "George, I've never seen Millie look so good with her clothes on before!"

Naturally, you get about halfway through your witless comment and warning lights begin flashing in your brain, buzzers begin sounding - "Warning! Stop this sentence immediately, before it's too late!" Unfortunately for you, your brain is much quicker than your wits or your tongue, with your judgment coming in a poor third place, so you finish your idiotic comment, waking up two days later in the hospital with a black eye and a couple of broken teeth from George, and a beautiful floral arrangement from Millie.

You've been there, right? We all have. So this is what I'm wondering: Did Kelly Tilghman hear those warning bells going off in her head during the Golf Channel broadcast during last Friday's PGA Tour event when she said the only chance young players would have of beating the tour's best player was to "#### Tiger Woods in a back alley"?

Did she get halfway through the potential atom bomb of career-ending statements and realize she was walking on a tightrope that was about to get snipped off at one end? Or did she get the whole damned thing out and then smile, congratulating herself on injecting a little humor into the staid telecast?

You would think that of all people, a young female starting out in the traditionally male-dominated career of sports journalism would understand the potential for harm that could come from such a stupid remark. According to the Golf Channel's home page, Tilghman is the "first full-time female play-by-play commentator in the history of the PGA Tour."

Additonally, again according to the Golf Channel's web site, Ms Tilghman graduated Duke University in 1991, proving two things:

1) Graduating college doesn't in any way guarantee a person will be imbued with any sense whatsoever, common or otherwise, and,

2) Apparently Ms Tilghman was too busy to attend American History class the day the subject of race relations was discussed, because if she had, she would never have put herself in the position to make such a harebrained comment, even if she was trying to be funny. Hell, especially if she was trying to be funny.

People have lost their jobs for much less in the field of sports journalism. Just a couple of years ago, Rush Limbaugh resigned from ESPN under pressure for proffering the theory that most of the media was anxious for a black quarterback to be successful - a statement where you could probably substitute "people" for "media" and not be too far off.

But to suggest, even in an attempt at humor, that a young black man should be lynched, shows a crassness beyond belief, especially when you combine it with her lukewarm "apology" - "I can assure you that there was never any intention to offend anyone."

This less than heartfelt plea for absolution was followed up immediately with what seems to have become de rigeur in these sorts of cases, the inevitable, "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding," implying, if not stating outright, that if you're offended by my witty repartee, you are clearly too dumb to get the meaning of my humor and for your stupidity, I apologize.

For his part, Tiger Woods issued a statement through his agent saying, in effect, he couldn't care less about Kelly Tilghman's slip of the tongue, that he knows it was unintentional and isn't worried about it in the least. A lucky break for her, considering Tiger has more money than God and could undoubtedly buy the Golf Channel with cash he has stuffed in the cookie jar and fire Kelly Tilghman any time he wanted.

So Ms Tilghman goes merrily on her way, not even missing so much as a day of her telecasting gig. I wonder, does she have any idea what she really did, or does she just shake her head and think to herself how stupid we all are for being offended?

Editor's Note (Okay, not an editor, it's just me, HalfBaked): The Golf Channel has issued a statement saying Ms Tilghman has now been suspended for two weeks.  You're welcome.

Earlier this year, Tiger Woods passed the great Walter Hagen and moved into second place on the all-time list of Major Championship winners. His wins in the British Open and the PGA Championship were the 11th and 12th Major victories of his career, moving him past Hagen and leaving him six behind Jack Nicklaus, who compiled an impressive, and up until Tiger burst on to the scene, some said unbreakable record of 18 wins in Majors.

This movement up the record books has led golf fans to wonder just how many Majors Tiger can win. Can he approach Nicklaus? Pass him? If he can, just how many Major victories is it reasonable to expect out of him?

THE INTANGIBLES:

1) Fixing his mechanics. When Tiger Woods burst on to the scene, after a specatacular career as an amateur golfer, he had immediate success, winning six PGA tournaments, including one Major, his first two years on tour. He then suffered through a (for him) unsuccesful year, winning just one tournament and no Majors in his third year on the tour, in 1998, as he completely retooled his swing.

Many experts questioned the wisdom of tinkering with a successful approach, but it paid dividends the following two years, when Woods' new, more consistent swing won him 17 PGA tournaments, including four more Majors.

2) Steely resolve. As Tiger heads into his thirties, he finds himself a married man. If and when he and wife Elin have children, will that take away some of the drive and focus that has led this golfer to be among the hungriest ever? Jack Nicklaus has admitted that family concerns became more important than golf for a good part of the middle of his career.

Only time will tell if Tiger Woods will find his focus on things other than golf. It would certainly be understandable, especially if he has children, but considering his past history, and the knowledge that until he passes Nicklaus, he will never be considered the best ever, it seems not unreasonable to assume his desire will remain strong.

THE NUMBERS:

Like all sports, golf has changed immeasurably over the years. For the purpose of comparison, I looked at all golfers who have won at least four Major Championships in their career, with the majority of those wins coming in the last fifty years. There were ten men who fit in that category:

Winners of at least 4 Majors in the last 50 years:
Jack Nicklaus - 18 majors
Tiger Woods - 12 majors
Gary Player - 9 Majors
Tom Watson - 8 Majors
Arnold Palmer - 7 Majors
Nick Faldo - 6 Majors
Lee Trevino - 6 Majors
Seve Ballesteros - 5 Majors
Peter Thomson - 5 Majors
Ray Floyd - 4 Majors

I then divided each golfer's Major victories into the number he won during each five-year span, from age 20-24, 25-29, 30-34, 35-39, 40-44, and 45-49.

A few numbers jump out at you right away. Tiger Woods won 5 Majors between age 20 and age 24, the most ever. Jack Nicklaus was the only other golfer to win more than two, winning three.

Tiger also won 5 Majors from age 25 through 29, again the most ever for that age group. Once again, Jack Nicklaus was second in that category, with four, the only other golfer to win more than three from age 25-29.

In the age group of 30-34, Nicklaus, Watson and Palmer all won five Majors, with Faldo and Trevino each winning four apiece, leading you to assume that is the five-year period when most top golfers are in their prime. Looking at the numbers appears to bear that out. Here are the totals for the above winners with the exception of Woods, since he is just 30 and thus only fits into the first two categories:

Major Wins Age 20-24: 7 = 10%
Major Wins Age 25-29: 19=28%
Major Wins Age 30-34: 27=40%
Major Wins Age 35-39: 9 = 13%
Major Wins Age 40-44: 5 = 7%
Major Wins Age 45-49: 1 = 2%

What do these numbers tell us? It's probably a safe bet to assume Tiger Woods will outperform the averages listed above, since he did exactly that in each of the two 5-year periods of his career that he has completed. But even if you assume he won't outperform those numbers, that he will simply fall within the percentages listed for each 5-year period, you can learn a lot.

The totals for the nine most successful golfers of the last fifty years listed above show that they won a total of 38% of their Majors before reaching age thirty. If you assign that number to Tiger Woods, that means his 10 Major victories before age thirty (he has a total of 12 Major wins, but two of them came this year, after his 30th birthday) will comprise 38% of the total number of Majors he will win by the time his career is over.

By that extrapolation, Tiger Woods will win the incredible total of 26 Majors by the time he is finished with competitive golf, shattering the record set by Nicklaus and possibly setting a standard of excellence considered as unreachable in golf as DiMaggio's 56-game hit streak in baseball.

Impossible? Who knows, but if you enjoy golf, it might be wise to keep a close eye on the man who is well on his way to rewriting the record book in his sport.

Remember, the 26 Majors the statistics say Tiger Woods will win are only accurate if you assume he will fall right in the middle of the numbers for each 5-year period from now until he's finished as a competitive player, when in reality he has outperformed those numbers for each of the two 5-year periods he has thus far completed. I'm betting he will win more than 26. Thirty seems like a nice, round number to me. Don't count it out.

As the United States Ryder Cup team heads back home, licking their wounds in their gated mansions and wondering how it all could go so horribly wrong, lets take a quick look at some history.

Europe sucked early, U.S. sucks now: The United States dominated the early stages of this biennial competition. From 1927 through 1983, the U.S. won 22 of the 25 matches played. Obviously the game which was invented in Scotland was perfected in the good ol' USA.

From 1985 on, however, it has been a different story. Even though the U.S. boasts the top three players in golf according to the World Rankings (Woods, Mickelson, Furyk), as well as eight of the top 25 players in the world, the European team has won eight of the last eleven matches, including the last three in a row, by the ugly average score of 17.5-10.5.

The quandary: How is that possible? How can the U.S. get trounced so badly when we boast Carson and McMahon, uh, I'm sorry, Woods and Mickelson? Tiger Woods is generally conceded to be the best player of his generation, possibly the best player ever.

Surprisingly, the answer has little or nothing to do with golf swings, mind games, or team unity. The answer lies in the U.S. team's golf shirts. Specifically, the collars are too tight, and the way they are designed, they get tighter as the weekend progresses.

With that in mind, it's no wonder the United States could only avoid their worst loss in the event's history thanks to the good sportsmanship of Europe's Paul McGinley, who graciously conceded a 25-foot putt to J.J. Henry of the United States on the 18th hole of their Sunday match. Had he not done that, the final score would probably have been even worse than the 18.5-9.5 that it was.

The solution: The answer to the thorny problem of how to compete in an event we used to dominate is perfect in it's simplicity: wear T-shirts in 2008, or perhaps muscle shirts. I realize it would asking for a huge sacrifice to have to see Phil Mickelson's man-boobs in a muscle shirt, but there it is. It is imperative the U.S. Ryder Cup team wear shirts without collars in 2008, to avoid the problem of those collars shrinking over the weekend.

USA basketball might want to consider changing uniforms, too. Those basketball shirts don't appear to the naked eye to have collars, but it's obvious they do.

Dubliner Magazine, apologizing for publishing what it claimed were nude photos of Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren: "The publisher and staff at The Dubliner acknowledge that the satirical article was inappropriate and wish to sincerely apologize to Tiger Woods, his wife, Elin Nordegren and other Ryder Cup players and their families for any offense they may have taken to it."

What I Meant to Say: "We never realized how our circulation would skyrocket from this one little article. Hopefully this apology to the rest of the U.S. Ryder Cup team will suffice, as we are frantically searching the web for nude photos of anyone looking remotely like Amy Mickelson for next week's edition."

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Alex Rodriguez, responding to all the criticism he has received this season, including some from his own teammates: "I don't know if it's (because) I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."

What I Meant to Say: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

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Roger Clemens, Astros pitcher, after his final start of the season, and perhaps his career, in Houston: "I don't know what tomorrow brings - but if this is it, I've really enjoyed it."

What I Meant to Say: "Are you kidding me? Of course I'll consider coming back - $12 million for half a season's work is a pretty cushy gig if you can get it. Even though I already have more money than God, who can't use $12 million more?"

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Pete Rose, on at least thirty baseballs he signed for friends years ago: "I'm sorry I bet on baseball."

What I Meant to Say: "I'm really sorry I signed these damn balls and didn't get paid for it! Now they're going to be auctioned off and I won't see a penny. Sometimes life is so unfair."

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Terry Francona, Red Sox manager, on the possibility that pitcher Matt Clement, out since June 14, will make an appearance before the end of the season: "We don't want him pitching in a game just to say he pitched in a game. We want him to do it for the right reasons, and we'll see how it goes."

What I Meant to Say: "We want to drag out the end of this season just a little bit longer. Hopefully Matt can throw one of his patented four-hour gems, the ones that make you want to gouge out your own eyeballs or hammer a rusty nail into your ear just to make the torture stop."

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Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans head coach, on why he felt it necessary to trade backup quarterback Billy Volek to San Diego: "He was untruthful with me, untruthful with his head coach, about where he was and what he was doing. So we started off on the wrong page."

What I Meant to Say: "Steve McNair never lied to me, and we didn't even let him use the team's training facility. Why did we get rid of him again? I can't remember."

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Jim Mora, Atlanta Falcons head coach, on the signing of 46 year-old placekicker Morten Andersen: "Morten Andersen is one of the finest field goal kickers in the history of the National Football League. His outstanding career speaks for itself, and we are excited to have him rejoin our organization."

What I Meant to Say: "He was great when he kicked for the Canton Bulldogs. Plus, George Blanda wasn't available."

Jerry Remy - The former major league second baseman and current Red Sox color man, during a spring training broadcast, on why teams seem to be gravitating toward younger and younger General Managers: "These young GM's have been having a lot of sex..."

What I meant to say - Obviously, the last word in his comment was supposed to be "success," and he corrected himself after a pregnant pause (pun absolutely intended) of a couple of seconds. By that time, though, the damage was done, and the booth dissolved in laughter. It was a good half-inning or so before order could be restored and anything close to a normal conversation could be heard.

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Mike Nifong - "I'm confident a rape occurred."

What I meant to say - You would think a guy with as much of a legal background as a District Attorney presumably has would craft his words a little more carefully. Maybe something like "I'm confident some sort of criminal activity took place and I intend to get to the bottom of it" would have served both his interests and the interests of justice a little better. Now that it appears the DNA evidence does not support his rape statement, he might be regretting those words just a bit.

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Nomar Garciaparra - When the Boston Red Sox offered Nomar a four-year, $60 million contract extension prior to the spring of 2004, Nomar replied, "I'll play out the year and test the free-agent market."

What I meant to say - How about something like "Gimme that pen, where do I sign?" His reluctance to sign that four-year extension could end up costing him $30 million or more. Wow.

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Jerry Jones - Upon signing Terrell Owens to a three/year, $25 million contract to play for the Cowboys, Jones declared "This might work, and work really well, for the Dallas Cowboys."

What I meant to say - "Please please please give us at least one trouble-free season before you tear us apart. If Donovan McNabb couldn't get you the ball enough to keep you happy, how is Stonefeet Bledsoe supposed to do it?"

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Brett Favre - "What are they gonna do, cut me?"

What I meant to say - How about, let's see, maybe, oh, nothing? Why tarnish a Hall of Fame image with an idiotic statement, especially when you're leaving your team twisting in the wind?

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Tiger Woods - "I putted like a spaz today."

What I meant to say - Maybe something the politically correct police could stomach, say, "I putted like Ray Charles today." No? Maybe, "I putted like I forgot to take my Ritalin today." That doesn't work either? How about, "I putted like #### Cheney hunts today." ####, maybe it's just a lost cause....