Okay, all you people who are sick and tired of all the same teams getting into the playoffs every year; all you Red Sox and Yankees haters, who wait with bated breath for someone else to win the American League East - It's been a while, hasn't it? You have to go back eleven years to find a season in which one or the other of those two teams didn't win the division.
Welcome to the New World Order, MLB-Style. It's July 21, and the Tampa Bay Rays are leading the AL East, with the third-best record in the big leagues. I know it's going to be tough finding something else to whine about than "The rich always get richer," but guess what? The team that has finished in last place for nine of the ten seasons they've been in existence; the team that has never won more than seventy games in a season - that would be the Rays - they are for real.
The Rays are winning with pitching and defense and exciting young talent, and they're not going away. The only question mark, really, besides depth, is whether their pitching, so much of which is very young, can take the pressure of a September pennant race.
And, really, whether Tampa Bay makes the playoffs in the tough AL East isn't even the point. They could go 14-51 the rest of the way, and it would still qualify as the best season in franchise history. Of course, they're not going to do that, but even if they play .500 baseball from now until the end of the year, the Rays would finish with around 90 wins.
Worst to first? Who knows, but as a baseball fan, it's fun to see what's going on down in Tampa. And I'm a Red Sox fan.
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If you love fiction and have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.
"Thank you all for coming, and I will keep this short and to the point. I would like to address the persistent rumors that I am retiring from blogging. I'm not going to retire from blogging. I don't think that's going to happen.
"I'm working out. I'm typing. If my phone rings, it rings. If it don't, it don't. I have a cell phone. I don't have a Blackberry, but my cell phone works fine, even though it's probably older than some of you people reading this. If something comes up, I'm sure they'll let me know.
"I'll come back for NGS IV if I have to. I want to get on the front page of Foxsports.com or else I want to keep trying to get on the front page until there's nothing left inside me. I can still blog.
"Again, thank you for coming. I won't be taking any questions."
***
Earth to Barry, Earth to Barry (And also the players union, MLBPA): You are toxic. You can continue to non-retire or un-retire or whatever you want to call it for as long as you wish, but no team in their right mind is going to pick you up. The birds of discontent you have worked so hard to cultivate over the last 22 years are now coming home to roost.
It's not that you can't still hit, not many people would argue that point. You are not the hitter you were a few years ago, but you are still an imposing presence at the plate, standing with a big stick sixty feet, six inches away from the guy trying to blow a fastball by you.
Sure, your numbers have declined a bit, but still, 28 home runs last year in 126 games is nothing to shake a stick at, even a big northern ash one. Having the all-time leading home run hitter in the middle of a lineup is nothing to shake a stick at, either.
The problem, Barry, and the reason I say you are toxic, is this. Not only were you indicted last November on perjury and obstruction of justice charges relating to your 2003 grand-jury testimony denying ever knowingly taking performance-enhancing drugs, you have proven yourself to be a clubhouse distraction as well with your prima-donna attitude and outsized sense of entitlement.
Some teams in major league baseball might possibly be willing to deal with either one of those two issues, quite a few teams, actually. But it seems obvious that no one wants to take on the baggage that is the Barry Bonds Traveling Circus, while simultaneously having to put up with a guy considered by many to be selfish and difficult to get along with.
No one was willing to go on record in San Francisco saying these things while you were there, but the mood at Giants camp with you gone has been like a breath of fresh air, according to quotes attributed to some of the players.
Here is the problem facing you, Barry, both now, as Spring Training draws to a close, and also what you will face in July: Any team in the thick of a pennant race that could use your bat will not want to have to deal with the distractions and potential disruptions in clubhouse chemistry that will accompany your arrival. The closer it gets to postseason time, the more that will be the case.
On the other hand, a team that is out of the race, that could conceivably use the Barry Bonds name to draw fans into their park, will not want you around either. Why? Teams out of the pennant race traditionally use the late-season as a time to audition youngsters they hope will have a positive impact on their club moving forward. No team in that situation will want to subject their promising young players to your perceived attitude issues.
The situation in Tampa Bay is a perfect example. The Rays supposedly considered giving you a shot, Barry, both due to the fact that they could use your bat in the middle of that lineup, and also to bring fans into The OrangeJuiceDome. Cooler heads prevailed, though - and quickly - with Rays management recognizing the kind of long-term harm your attitude could do on a club composed of so many young players.
In short, and I know it might not sound like it, but I don't have anything against you, Barry, so here's a little free advice. Hang'em up, concentrate on fighting your legal battles, since they aren't going anywhere, and consider yourself fortunate to have had such a great career.
Spring training in Major League Baseball is normally a time of stretching, two or three at-bats per game for the regulars, and plenty of golf for everyone. This year, though, it seems the Yankees and Rays have decided to engage in their own little tong war.
First came some guy you never heard of for Tampa Bay running over some other guy you never heard of playing catcher for New York on a play at the plate late in their Grapefruit League game Saturday. The Yankee guy you never heard of held on to the ball for the out before leaving the field in obvious pain and being rushed to the hospital where it was determined he suffered a fractured wrist.
It was an outstanding play by the Yankee catcher, Francisco Cervelli (See, I told you you never heard of him), to hold on to the ball, considering the Tampa runner, Elliott Johnson (See?) had a full head of steam going and ran Cervelli over like John Daly headed for the beer tent.
After the game, the quotes were predictable - outrage from the Yankee side and offended innocence from Tampa's clubhouse. The Yankees felt a meaningless spring training game was no place for, you know, real hustle, and that Johnson should have....uh....well, no one really ever said what else he was supposed to do, but what he did wasn't it, dammit!
It was probably inevitable that there would be retaliation from the New York side, baseball's unwritten codes being what they are, but who would have imagined it would come just four days later? After all, both teams reside in the American League East, which means they would have ample opportunities to settle their differences over the course of the season, considering they will face each other eighteen times in 2008.
Nevertheless, in the second inning of Wednesday's game between the two teams, Shelley Duncan of the Yankees went hard into second base with his spikes high trying to stretch a one-base error into two, taking out Rays second baseman Akinori Iwamura. In the A.P. photo you can clearly see Duncan's spikes raised almost to the top of Iwamura's leg, and there is a clear dirt mark on Iwamura's uniform where the shoe struck the Ray's second baseman above the knee.
A total of two players and two coaches were ejected as a result of that play and the pushing and shoving and name-calling that followed it, and that's after Yankee pitcher Heath Phillips was ejected in the first inning for hitting the Rays' Evan Longoria with a pitch.
The Yankees, again predictably, claimed no ill intent on Duncan's part, but the picture seems to prove otherwise pretty conclusively, and therein lies the difference between the two incidents. Saturday's collision at home plate was something you see a couple of times a week during the baseball season - a good hard clean play at the plate. It was unfortunate someone got injured, but if you watch the video, there is no question the play was clean.
The Yankees point was that the Tampa player no one ever heard of should not have barrelled over their catcher in a meaningless game, but no spring game is meaningless to a player no one ever heard of - every play is an opportunity to show the organization you know how to hustle. If the Yankees truly believe what they were saying, they should simply instruct their catchers never to block the plate until the regular season. End of problem.
Wednesday's play, however, was the essence of dirty, with Tampa manager Joe Maddon calling it "contemptible" and "borderline criminal." Look at the above photo again and it's hard to argue otherwise.
Fortunately for Iwamura, and for Shelley Duncan as well, the Tampa second baseman was unhurt. It would be an awful thing for Duncan to have to live with if he ended another player's career with a dirty, vindictive play and that is exactly what it was, although Duncan will never admit it.
Recurring Migraines Will Keep Dolphins Fans Out - Miami Dolphins middle linebacker Zach Thomas will miss the team's upcoming loss to Buffalo Sunday due to recurring migraines. After suffering whiplash in a car accident driving home from a game October 21, Thomas has been plagued by migraines similar to the ones which have crippled Dolphin fans everywhere.
"It's too painful to attend 'Fins games anymore," said an anonymous source close to the team. "After a while the beatings get so bad it's hard to see straight. Zach was in a car wreck? This whole season's been a car wreck! I'm going out right now to drive like a maniac; maybe I'll get in a car accident so I can miss the rest of the season too."
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Vikings Fine Wide Receiver for Attending Funeral - Minnesota wide receiver Troy Williamson has been advised by the team that he will be docked one day's pay for missing three practices last week as well as the Vikings game Sunday against San Diego. He was absent in order to attend the funeral of his grandmother.
Coach Brad Childress addressed the issue head-on, saying, "It's a business principle, organizationally. We can't have people running around willy-nilly attending funerals and such. What does he think this is, anyway, a party boat?"
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Ray of Hope in Tampa - New uniforms and a new name are the order of the day for the American League baseball franchise that will now be known as the Tampa Bay Rays. Principal owner of the club formerly known as the Devil Rays, Stuart Sternberg, said the team took more than 1000 name suggestions from fans and whittled the list down to eighty, before eventually ignoring them all and settling for the obvious choice.
Sternberg said the Rays, who have had a devil of a time competing in the American League East since entering the league ten years ago, were looking for a new start and decided the new name and new uniforms were the way to go. "It's a hell of a lot cheaper than actually going out and getting some real pitchers to support Scott Kazmir," said the owner.
Meanwhile, players, manager Joe Maddon and team advisor Don Zimmer modeled the new uniforms during a rally at a downtown park celebrating the changes. Reaction was mixed. As one reveler said, "Couldn't they have gotten real models, you know like Hooters girls or something? I came expecting to see babes in the new uniforms, and instead I have to watch Don Zimmer parading around? I mean, come on, I'm a Rays fan, haven't I suffered enough?"
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Davydenko Again Accused of Not Trying, This Time by Wife - The man who has twice faced accusations of intentionally tanking tennis matches within the last few weeks, today faces an even more serious charge. According to confidential documents acquired by Halfbaked Ravings, Irina Davydenko claims her husband is not the lover he used to be.
"Nikolay has taken this not trying thing too far. It's one thing to get money for throwing a tennis match, but I have needs, and I'm not going to stand for all this double-faulting in the bedroom, if you get my drift. I don't mean to complain, but would it kill him to hit it long for a change?"
There's something I have to get off my chest, I just can't stand it any longer. It involves some sort of dinosaur-looking mutation that has been scuttling around Coors Field during the recently concluded World Series.
If you have read any of my material since I began blogging on this site nearly two years ago, I have two things to say to you:
1) Thank you very much, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. 2) You really need to get a more worthwhile hobby.
Anyway, my point is this. If you have read my stuff, I think you'll agree that I try to be gracious when the teams I root for win as well as when they lose. I don't see any reason to get all aggressive with other people just because the Red Sox won the World Series, one, because I had nothing to do with it, and two, because it's classless.
So you won't find any gloating here, Rockies fans. In fact, quite the opposite. I was eight years old when the Sox lost to the Cardinals in the Series in 1967, sixteen when they lost to the Reds in '75, and 27 when they lost to the Mets in '86, so I can feel your pain. I remember very well how hard it is to take to see your team so close to a championship only to have your hopes dashed.
But here's the thing. What in the world is the deal with Dinger? You know, that fuzzy dinosaur-looking thing with the multicolored spots on his head that passes for a mascot up there in the mile-high stratosphere? What in the name of Vinny Castilla does a dinosaur have to do with the Colorado Rockies specifically or baseball in the Rocky Mountains in general? Do people in Denver feel Dinger is some sort of mutation to be shunned or is he beloved in some perverse way?
Don't misunderstand, the Red Sox have their own wierd, fuzzy mascot called Wally the Green Monster that adds absolutely nothing to the game of baseball, so I'm not trying to pass judgement. In fact, I wrote a post way back on April 26, 2006 (Wanted, One Hideous Tiger-Like Mutant), where I called Wally an "asexual lump of shag carpeting left over from your parents 1974 living room," so I'm not being an insufferable homer here. Or at least, not a homer.
But at least the "Green Monster" reference in Wally's name makes sense in a saccharine, gag-me-with-a-pitchfork, all-the-eight-year-old-girls-love-him kind of way. You know, Wally the Green Monster referring to the big green monster looming over left field at Fenway. What does Dinger represent, other than all the home runs that used to be hit in the thin air at Coors field in the prehistoric pre-humidor days? Maybe that's it.
But when Dinger started sitting behind home plate hexing Jonathan Papelbon while spinning his head 360 degrees on his neck (The mascot, that is, not Papelbon), it disturbed me in a way nothing else has in a long time. My wife was furious. "He can't do that," she exclaimed indignantly, but there he was, hexing and spinning away. It didn't seem to bother Papelbon, but I couldn't take my eyes off it.
Please, Colorado Rockies management, put Dinger out of my misery and consider coming up with some new fuzzy, asexual lump of shag carpeting mascot. He can even run Wally the Green Monster over on an ATV, like Raymond, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays mascot, does when the Red Sox play in Tampa. That would be fine by me. Just promise me no more head spinning and hexing. It's just plain creepy.
Recently, I was at my old Aunt Esmerelda's house for my weekly brunch/tea leaf reading. Poor Aunt Esmie doesn't get many visitors, since most of the family feel she's nutty as a fruitcake, but I like her. She understands me. Plus, she serves one mean bacon and mushroom quiche.
Anyway, Esmerelda's eyesight isn't what it used to be, and instead of drinking from her cream soda, she accidentally sipped from her goblet filled with tea leaves soaking in rainwater. As she was rinsing her mouth out with ginger water in the bathroom, I decided to take a peek at the goblet. Just a peek.
Oddly, what I saw weren't fortunes at all, they were lost and found entries from some newspaper. I wasn't too sure what they all meant, but here they are. Maybe you can figure them out.
* * * * * *
**********LOST: One home run stroke. Last seen on May 7 leaving Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. I've been searching desperately for my stroke. Also known to go by the names of Dinger, Tater, Blast, Bomb, Round-Tripper, Big Fly, Four-Bagger and others. Needed badly, I can't go on much longer without it. Have cash, will pay big money for return of home run stroke, no questions asked. Call 555-JUCE and ask for Barry.
**********FOUND: Winning attitude, says it belongs in Los Angeles, but never seen in this part of the city before. Keeps repeating something like "Lakes," or possibly "Lakers." Contact us quickly at www.laclippers.com or we're keeping it.
**********LOST: Intimidation and swagger, sometime over this past winter. Last seen while I was intimidating my 16 year old unacknowledged daughter by threatening to sue her mother, haven't scared anyone since. If seen, approach carefully. Call 555-UNIT before my season is a total loss. Please.
**********LOST: Large #### of cash, somewhere around $50 million to $60 million. Had it when I entered the Vegas city limits and now it's gone. Possibly misplaced in Caesar's Palace, Tropicana, Wynn, MGM Grand, Bally's, Bellagio, New York New York, Mirage or other casino. Not too sure, I was drinking at the time. Will consider reward for return of cash - say free golf lessons? Call 555-FOOL and ask for John. Not too early please, I like to sleep late.
**********FOUND: New home in Boston. Friendly Monster in yard. Having double the fun here I had in Florida. No number to call because I'm never going back. HAH! Mike Lowell.
**********LOST: Baseball games and fans. Lots of them. We're sorry that we're sorry. Please come back, we're major leaguers too, sort of. RSVP to www.royals.com . P.S. We used to win a lot.
**********LOST: 1) Temper. 2) Control of bat. 3) Job - at least for fifty games. **********FOUND: Lots of free time. I'm discovering this isn't an even exchange. Can't wait to get to big leagues, where they don't suspend you for throwing things at umpires. Just ask Bernie Williams. Looking for pen pal to help pass all the free time. Write to Delmon, at www.durhambulls.com.
**********LOST: "L" out of first name. I like to think I'm a wily character, but wish to be known as Willy Mo. If found, please return my "L" to Wily Mo, at www.bostonredsox.com.
**********LOST: That lovin' feeling. Can't stand Barry Bonds, because he's mean to people. Plus he wants to hit home run(s) off me. Not just any home run(s), but big, historic one(s). Please return that lovin' feeling to Russ Springer, www.astros.mlb.com. I'd like it back for when we're not playing the Giants.
If you've ever driven I-95 through northern Rhode Island during rush hour, you know that you're usually doing a lot more sitting than driving. While I was making that drive Thursday, I saw a book lying on the side of the road and, having nothing better to do, picked it up. Incredibly, the book turned out to be the diary of Durham Bulls player Delmon Young, who must have dropped it out the window of the team bus after a game against the Pawtucket Red Sox. I opened the book up to the last entry, and here is what was written....
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April 26, 2006
Dear Diary,
Tonight we played a team called the PawSox, which is stupid because everybody knows you don't put socks on animals. Well,except maybe for little kittens, but who names a team after little kittens?
Plus, I went walking around the Providence and Pawtucket, Rhode Island area (which is where the PawSox are located) and I didn't see a single wild animal, which makes sense because the whole area's, like, all city. Don't they usually name teams after something relating to the city or the surrounding area? You know, like the River Rats or something? Note to self: If you ever get rich enough to own a baseball team, don't name it something stupid like PawSox.
Anyway diary, it was a really short game for me tonight. I got called out on strikes in the first inning on a pitch that I just know was not a strike. When I gave that stupid plate umpire a piece of my mind, he threw me out of the game! And he's not even a real pro umpire! We have to deal with replacement umps because the real ones are on strike or something, which sucks for me.
Well, that's not even the worst part diary. I totally by accident threw my bat at that blind #### of an umpire. Okay, maybe it wasn't totally by accident, but the call really stunk, and I shouldn't be down here in Triple A anyway.
According to the Devil Rays, I need a little more "seasoning." What's that supposed to mean anyway? It's not like this is cooking school, I play baseball! Now I lost almost a whole entire game of seasoning because of that fake umpire, and maybe I'm going to be suspended (there goes more seasoning), and Tampa Bay management didn't even stick up for me! They seem to think I did something wrong. Jerks. How am I going to season if I'm suspended?
I'm sorry diary, I know I'm rambling here, but it's so totally unfair. I'm the victim here. I should be in the big leagues right now where all the calls are right all the time. And anyway, it was only an umpire I hit with the bat, and a replacement one at that. It's not like it was our manager or something.
Well, that's it for tonight diary. I'm sure this will all blow over, and even if it doesn't, I'll be in the major leagues soon making millions of dollars, and that blind umpire will still be making bad calls in high school or college games or wherever he came from. Like he really matters.
Goodnight diary, I hope I can season some more tomorrow.
In the wake of the dustup Sunday involving Boston's Julian Tavarez and Tampa Bay's Joey Gathright, I wondered what it is about Tavarez that makes him such a ticking time bomb. His history of explosions and meltdowns is extensive and readily available if you're interested in looking (Dudski has a pretty comprehensive list on his blog). In the interest of scientific discovery I asked if I might interview his brain, expecting a flat refusal. Instead, Tavarez granted my request, saying he recognized me as a kindred spirit. This answer, while frightening, did not deter me.
What follows is the actual transcript of my interview with Julian Tavarez' brain. It is uncensored and at times ugly. If you choose to continue reading, do not say you were not warned.
HalfBaked: Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed Mr., uh, what would you like me to call you, exactly?
Tavarez' Brain: I think Jekyll would be nice. And you're welcome. I want people to see that I'm not the wild, raging, out of control wild man people think I am just because of a couple of instances. I'm actually a calm person. It's just that sometimes, you know, things can go south.
HalfBaked: Well, uh, Jekyll, it's really more than just a couple of instances. Some people would say it's a pattern of destructive and irresponsible behavior.
Jekyll: "Some people" would say that, would they? What people are they, exactly? Got any names for me, little man? Huh?
HalfBaked: Whoa, Mr. Jekyll, it was just an observation. Could you maybe stop pulsing like that, you're making me a little nervous there.
Jekyll: Listen Mr. Scientist wannabe, what else am I supposed to do, I'm a brain, dummy. It's not like I can get up and kick your little pansy butt, now can I?
HalfBaked: No, uh, I guess not. Is that what you'd like to do?
Jekyll: What kind of question is that? Listen to me, Mr. Smart Guy, in the heat of the moment, sometimes things happen, all right? Like that Tampa Bay guy, Gathwrong, he ran into me first, didn't he? Well, didn't he?
HalfBaked: Well, yes, I suppose he did, but he was trying to score and you were blocking the plate....
Jekyll (interrupting): Oh sure, and I suppose it's my fault his arm ended up under my shoe too, isn't it? I suppose it's my fault I hit him in the face, isn't it?
HalfBaked: Well....
Jekyll: Yeah sure, take his side why dontcha....All right then, you want an answer, yeah I'd like to kick your sorry butt. In fact, if I could get past this bony cap thing....
HalfBaked: The skull.
Jekyll: Whatever. If I could get past it, I'd be all over you like white on rice Mr. "I wanna ask you a few questions." People mess with this, they get what they get.
HalfBaked: What do you say to the people who claim you don't learn from your mistakes and you should receive a hefty suspension the next time you go off?
Jekyll: People say what? I haven't made any %&*^-ing mistakes wise guy, and if I ever do, then I'll think about learning from them. In the meantime, get over here and take what's coming to you....I'll kill ya....Why I oughtta....Take that....and that....
At this point, Tavarez' brain became uncontrollable and had to be restrained.
******** ******** ********
Forty minutes later:
Halfbaked: Are you feeling all right now, Mr. Jekyll?
Jekyll: Why, whatever do you mean?
HalfBaked: Nothing, nothing at all. Everything is just fine here. Perfect, actually. I'd like to thank you for your cooperation, I think we've learned a lot.
Jekyll: What's that supposed to mean? You got something you wanna say to me? Huh? Is that it? Man, you are one lucky &%#@* I'm stuck in here....Gimme half a chance....Kick you right in the fornix....You'll be sorry....
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
