Half-Baked Ravings has uncovered an internal United States Navy memorandum, classified "Top Secret," which lays out in detail the steps the military is planning to take to ensure a crippled satellite which will fall to Earth in late-February or early-March will not land in a populated area.
The object, a spy satellite identified as US193, launched in December, 2006, has been hurtling in an uncontrolled orbit around the earth since shortly after takeoff, when its' computer guidance system failed and its' rocket engine shut down. The 5000 pound satellite, said to be roughly the size of a school bus, is reportedly dropping slowly but steadily toward Earth with a fuel tank filled nearly to the brim with frozen hydrazine, a potentially lethal rocket fuel.
A source familiar with the never-before attempted operation agreed to speak to Half-Baked Ravings under condition of anonymity. Here is a portion of that conversation:
HBR: This satellite represents a health risk to humans if it should crash in a densely populated area?
Source: Absolutely. Anyone within a twenty to thirty yard radius of the fuel tank could be at risk of death if the tank should rupture and the hydrazine fuel leak out.
HBR: What then is the plan to neutralize the risk?
Source: The Navy will fire The Rocket at the satellite shortly before it reenters Earth's atmosphere, that being the time-frame offering the greatest chance of actually hitting and destroying it.
HBR: A rocket will be able to hit an object the size of a school bus outside our atmosphere? Isn't that asking a lot of a rocket?
Source: I didn't say a rocket, I said The Rocket.
HBR: I'm sorry, I'm just a civilian, apparently I don't understand these military terms. What's the difference?
Source (exasperated): What's not to understand? The Navy will shoot an SM-3 Missile at this giant piece of space junk, the lunar equivalent of the Jolly Green Giant's paperweight, and The Rocket will steer it hopefully to a direct hit, thereby destroying the fuel tank of the satellite before it can crash into the earth and kill people. Duh.
HBR: Uh, okay. The Rocket will steer the Missile. Um, you don't mean....
Source: Yes, yes, do I have to spell it out for you? Roger Clemens will steer the Missile on this extremely important mission for us.
HBR: Roger Clemens? Why would he do that?
Source: Why, to get the U.S. Government off his back, of course. He scratches our back, we scratch his.
HBR: That's quite a lot of scratching to ask of someone. He agreed to do it?
Source: Of course he agreed, we knew he would. Why do you think the government goes after people? You think we give a damn what big, fat blowhard athletes put into their bodies? Of course not. Our first choice was to make Barry Bonds do it, but his head wouldn't fit into the capsule, so we had to go to Plan B.
HBR: Plan B being....
Source: Exactly. The Rocket.
HBR: Hmmm. Hey, wait a minute. Is that why Senator Specter is investigating Bill Belichick?
Source (smiling): You catch on quickly, young man. We thought about forcing Belichick to fly this mission, but we decided we would make him film it instead. You know, for posterity.
HBR: That's diabolical.
Source: Exactly. Say, you're pretty quick on the uptake, we could always use a guy like you here in the Secret Operations Department.
HBR: Whoa, no thanks, I'm happy just blogging, thanks anyway.
Source: Is that so? We'll just see about that, my boy.
HBR (nervously): Uh, well then, I guess that wraps things up from here. Thanks for your cooperation, and goodbye.
Source: Goodbye sounds so permanent. How about "see you later?" Like after we're done examining your tax returns for the last 25 years? Are you quite sure there are no, shall we say, improprieties on them? Heh-heh-heh.
At this point the tape becomes unintelligible, with the sound of running footsteps and what sounds like the Lord's Prayer being mumbled by the correspondent in the background. Fortunately, the substantive part of the tape survived intact, allowing the true story of how the United States government plans to destroy the rogue satellite to be told for the first time.
This is Half-Baked Ravings saying goodnight and see you next time. Unless, of course, those funky deductions I took back in 1997 come back to haunt me, in which case it's been nice knowing you.
So here it is, the moment that the people angry and jealous of the New England Patriots' success over the last seven years have been waiting for - the very same moment that fans of the Patriots refused to believe would ever arrive - allegations, on the eve of Super Bowl XLII, that there is more to the "Spygate" controversy after all.
According to the Boston Herald and the Associated Press, allegations have surfaced that a member of the Patriots video staff illegally taped a St. Louis Rams walk-through the day before New England's victory in Super BowlXXXVI. If true, this would seem to put the lie to the Patriots contention that they released all the material they had on the matter to the league office and that the videotaping was more than an isolated incident, but rather a pattern of activity.
You can almost hear the anti-New England camp (Read: just about everyone outside Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and some of Connecticut) gleefully sharpening their knives and contemplating exactly how to shove them up under head coach Bill Belichick's shoulderblades in order to inflict the most damage.
Should Belichick be fired by Pats owner Robert Kraft? Suspended by NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell? If so, for how long? One season? More? Maybe Belichick will win one last Super Bowl Sunday night and walk off into the sunset! Stay tuned, this is just getting good!
Um....excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your semi-orgasmic ruminations or rain on your parade in any way....but may I ask the question the people so anxious to convict Bill Belichick and the Patriots organization seem to be conveniently ignoring? Is there any proof of this charge?
I only ask because, and maybe this is just me, but doesn't the timing of this latest bombshell seem a little, oh, I don't know, convenient, as Dana Carvey used to say? The NFL confiscated the videotape of the New York Jets on September First (157 days ago, or over 22 weeks ago, if you're keeping score), and followed that up by quickly ordering the Patriots to turn over any other tapes and materials related to those tapes that they had in their possession.
The league and Roger Goodell were satisfied that New England complied with their edict and said so at the time, and have said so on numerous occasions ever since. In fact, the AP says the NFL was informed of the "rumor" about Super Bowl XXXVI months ago and investigated it at the time, coming to the conclusion, according to NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, that "there was no evidence of it..."
Only one report I have read gives any indication as to who is the source of these latest accusations. According to Alex Marvez, in a report published on Foxsports.com, a "former member of the Patriots video department" named Matt Walsh "has hinted at other improprieties."
Okay, Mr. Walsh. You've primed the pump, now it's time to deliver. Instead of hinting at improprieties and hiding behind anonymous accusations, how about you put an end to this little brush fire you've created one way or the other. If you have proof the New England Patriots illegally taped a St. Louis Rams walk-through, or if you have proof of some other sinister machinations masterminded by Darth Belichick and company, how about you produce it, and immediately.
By slinging mud, in the classic manner of a jilted lover or bitter former employee, you tarnish the reputations of dozens of hard-working and successful professional men, both athletes and coaches. Of course, I'm pretty sure that's your intention. You are a bitter ex-employee taking advantage of the Patriots success at a time when you can get the most mileage out of your unsubstantiated charges.
Why wait until the day before the Super Bowl to unleash your bombshell? Would it have anything to do with, say, an unsuccessful attempt to extort money from your former employers? If Senator Specter's staff were to investigate your claims, would they discover calls placed to the Patriots offices, or perhaps emails or snail mail sent to the team, threatening to go public with your hints and allegations if you weren't paid off?
That's my theory on this tempest in a teapot, Mr. Walsh. But you can prove me wrong. Release the tape showing that the Patriots recorded the Rams the day before Super Bowl XXXVI. Release the tapes you have showing the other improprieties you are so certain took place. Prove me wrong.
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
