I have a question for you, and please be honest with your answer. Before yesterday, had you ever given even one second's consideration to the term "celebrity chef?"

No? Good, me neither. I was afraid I had missed out on some huge cultural phenomenon everyone hipper than me (everyone else, in other words) knew about, like riding dirty or the first five years of American Idol.

But when I saw those few words in the Foxsports headlines yesterday, that deliciously enticing tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament," I just knew I had to investigate. Who wouldn't? How could anyone possibly read that description and not click on the link?

After all, so many questions immediately spring to mind. What will Dunkin' Donuts do if it was Rachel Ray? Who's going to fill all those lonely hours in the middle of the night on the Food Channel if Bobby Flay was injured? Did Phil Mickelson finally lose it and Emeril Lagasse bravely stepped in the way and took the bullet meant for Tiger?

Okay, another moment of honesty, please. How did we end up with so many "celebrity chefs" all of a sudden? They're like that stubborn mold in the far corner of your bathroom ceiling, way in the back of the shower stall - you never saw it coming but now you can't get rid of it. Do we really need that many people to show us how to bake a blintz or add a dash of celantro to stuff?

I only ask because to me a gourmet meal is ordering two toppings on my large pizza instead of the customary one. I wouldn't know a five-star meal if it kicked me in the taste buds, but again, maybe I'm the only one.

Anyway, back to the point - that tantalizingly beautiful tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament." I quite naturally clicked the link, only to discover some guy who looks like he should be hosting a snooty show on PBS got shot in the arm by, sheriff's deputies guessed, someone shooting a gun up in the air a mile or two away.

What goes up must come down and so "Celebrity Chef" Paul Prudhomme got struck with the falling piece of lead, thinking he got stung by a bee on the arm. Are you kidding me?

Now, don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish any harm on Paul Prudhomme, I'm glad he wasn't seriously hurt, although if he's a celebrity, shouldn't I have at least heard of him? I mean, I don't have to know all about him, I admit I'm not really up on the latest pop culture the way you probably are, but I never once heard of the guy! Aren't there any sort of guidelines on who gets to be considered a "celebrity" and who doesn't?

Or is Paul Prudhomme now considered a celebrity simply because he had the misfortune to be in the way of a falling bullet? Is that all it takes in today's celebrity-mad society? On the other hand, maybe that's only fair anyway - at least getting shot was more than Paris Hilton has accomplished.

Okay kids, quiet down, everybody take your seats, it's time for a pop quiz. Hey, you. That's right, you there in Fargo, North Dakota. I see you slipping the cheat sheet under your test paper. Don't worry, it's open book and multiple choice, you'll be fine. Is everyone ready? Got your #2 pencil sharpened? Okay then, here we go:


1) How long will Roger Clemens be sleeping on the couch after throwing his wife under the bus in his Congressional testimony?

A) One month

B) Six months

C) Forever

D) Couch? Try the basement, or maybe the garage in the back seat of the Bentley.


2) What would be the most interesting event to be invited to?

A) The Grand Jury deliberations when the government presents its perjury case against Roger Clemens.

B) Michael Vick Day at the Westminster Dog Show.

C) Movie Night at Bill Belichick's house.

D) A backstage pass to anywhere Erin Andrews is broadcasting from.


3) You are facing Tiger Woods in the Accenture Match Play Championships and you have a three hole lead with five holes to go. You:

A) Talk trash on the tee, since there's no way even Tiger could come back from that sort of insurmountable deficit.

B) Start preparing your excuses, since only Tiger Woods could come back from that sort of insurmountable deficit.

C) Hope for a freak thunderstorm to roll through, hitting you with a bolt of lightning, thus preventing you from blowing such an insurmountable lead.

D) Walk off the course. You're toast.


4) Manny Ramirez states publically that he wants to finish his career in Boston. This means:

A) He will wait until August to demand a trade this year, rather than July.

B) He knows no other park has a scoreboard he can disappear into when he gets bored out in left field.

C) He will retire at the end of 2008.

D) Nothing. He never really knows where he is anyway.


5) You are Roger Clemens and it has just come out that someone has a photograph proving you were at the Canseco party you swore you didn't attend, the one where Brian McNamee says you inquired about steroids. You:

A) Continue to vehemently deny you were there, producing a receipt from the local Piggly Wiggly for the date and hours in question to prove you were elsewhere at the time.

B) Desperately try to find out the photographer's name so you can have a little "private time" with him, like you did with your ex-nanny before she testified to what a great guy you are and how she remembered you were playing golf that exact day ten years ago.

C) Insist the photographer is misremembering the date he took the photo, saying Canseco had parties almost every day that summer and you attended every other party but that one, so the photo must be from a different day.

D) Admit that yes, you were at the party, but only for five minutes to pick up the missus after she got her usual round of shots of HGH from Brian McNamee that you only found out about afterward and were very angry about.


Okay class, pencils down everyone, time is up. How did we do?

Do you recognize this man? Ever seen him before? Me neither, and don't feel badly that you don't know who he is. The world's preeminent player in his sport didn't know who he was either until yesterday.

The man's name is Damien McGrane and he is a professional golfer from Ireland; the 319th-ranked professional golfer in the world, to be exact. Now, while that ranking doesn't sound like much, imagine for a moment being acknowledged as the 319th-best person in the entire world at whatever it is you do to earn a living, and you begin to realize that it may not be so bad after all.

It's probably safe to say that not many people outside McGrane's immediate circle of family and friends know who he is either, but that all changed, at least for a few hours, on Saturday, as Damien McGrane was paired with golf's Number One, Tiger Woods, in the final grouping for the third round of the Dubai Desert Classic.

As someone who's often not the 319th-best player on the course at any particular point in time, I wonder what McGrane was thinking as he stepped up to the first tee to begin his round on Saturday. He certainly couldn't have been prepared for the huge throngs of spectators following the golf world's biggest rock star around the course - The buzz of anticipation, the whirring and clicking of cameras on the backswing, it would all have to be very heady stuff for McGrane, at least until he realized it was all for Tiger, caught in the process of doing something historic like tying a shoelace or cleaning his balls.

 According to the Associated Press, about a dozen fans followed McGrane's group around the course during Friday's second round, and that number included the 36 year-old former club pro's sisters. No doubt more people than that dig through Tiger's garbage cans on trash collection day in Jupiter, Florida.

McGrane claimed not to be nervous about the matchup, though, saying, "He has his game and I have my game, and I try to do the best with what I have. That's what it's about, isn't it?" Apparently he meant it, too, as he outscored Tiger for the day, shooting an even-par 72 to Tiger's 73, leaving both men in a tie for fifth place, four strokes behind leader Ernie Els, who blistered the desert course with a 65.

Heading into Sunday's final round, it would require a momentous charge for either man to overtake Els and walk away with a win, of which Tiger has 62 more as a professional than McGrane, who is looking for his first.

 History says if it were to be accomplished by either man, Woods would be the one to manage it. But for at least one round, Damien McGrane proved he could hunt the biggest game of all, taming Tiger Woods in the swirling sands of the Middle East.

You know how sometimes you begin to say something before you really have the thought formed in your brain? "Foot in Mouth" disease, I believe it's called.
Everyone has been there, usually after a few drinks at a party or some such similar occasion. You want to say something complimentary about the beautiful outfit your neighbor's wife is wearing, so, flushed with goodwill and Jim Beam, you sing out, "George, I've never seen Millie look so good with her clothes on before!"

Naturally, you get about halfway through your witless comment and warning lights begin flashing in your brain, buzzers begin sounding - "Warning! Stop this sentence immediately, before it's too late!" Unfortunately for you, your brain is much quicker than your wits or your tongue, with your judgment coming in a poor third place, so you finish your idiotic comment, waking up two days later in the hospital with a black eye and a couple of broken teeth from George, and a beautiful floral arrangement from Millie.

You've been there, right? We all have. So this is what I'm wondering: Did Kelly Tilghman hear those warning bells going off in her head during the Golf Channel broadcast during last Friday's PGA Tour event when she said the only chance young players would have of beating the tour's best player was to "#### Tiger Woods in a back alley"?

Did she get halfway through the potential atom bomb of career-ending statements and realize she was walking on a tightrope that was about to get snipped off at one end? Or did she get the whole damned thing out and then smile, congratulating herself on injecting a little humor into the staid telecast?

You would think that of all people, a young female starting out in the traditionally male-dominated career of sports journalism would understand the potential for harm that could come from such a stupid remark. According to the Golf Channel's home page, Tilghman is the "first full-time female play-by-play commentator in the history of the PGA Tour."

Additonally, again according to the Golf Channel's web site, Ms Tilghman graduated Duke University in 1991, proving two things:

1) Graduating college doesn't in any way guarantee a person will be imbued with any sense whatsoever, common or otherwise, and,

2) Apparently Ms Tilghman was too busy to attend American History class the day the subject of race relations was discussed, because if she had, she would never have put herself in the position to make such a harebrained comment, even if she was trying to be funny. Hell, especially if she was trying to be funny.

People have lost their jobs for much less in the field of sports journalism. Just a couple of years ago, Rush Limbaugh resigned from ESPN under pressure for proffering the theory that most of the media was anxious for a black quarterback to be successful - a statement where you could probably substitute "people" for "media" and not be too far off.

But to suggest, even in an attempt at humor, that a young black man should be lynched, shows a crassness beyond belief, especially when you combine it with her lukewarm "apology" - "I can assure you that there was never any intention to offend anyone."

This less than heartfelt plea for absolution was followed up immediately with what seems to have become de rigeur in these sorts of cases, the inevitable, "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding," implying, if not stating outright, that if you're offended by my witty repartee, you are clearly too dumb to get the meaning of my humor and for your stupidity, I apologize.

For his part, Tiger Woods issued a statement through his agent saying, in effect, he couldn't care less about Kelly Tilghman's slip of the tongue, that he knows it was unintentional and isn't worried about it in the least. A lucky break for her, considering Tiger has more money than God and could undoubtedly buy the Golf Channel with cash he has stuffed in the cookie jar and fire Kelly Tilghman any time he wanted.

So Ms Tilghman goes merrily on her way, not even missing so much as a day of her telecasting gig. I wonder, does she have any idea what she really did, or does she just shake her head and think to herself how stupid we all are for being offended?

Editor's Note (Okay, not an editor, it's just me, HalfBaked): The Golf Channel has issued a statement saying Ms Tilghman has now been suspended for two weeks.  You're welcome.

Earlier this year, Tiger Woods passed the great Walter Hagen and moved into second place on the all-time list of Major Championship winners. His wins in the British Open and the PGA Championship were the 11th and 12th Major victories of his career, moving him past Hagen and leaving him six behind Jack Nicklaus, who compiled an impressive, and up until Tiger burst on to the scene, some said unbreakable record of 18 wins in Majors.

This movement up the record books has led golf fans to wonder just how many Majors Tiger can win. Can he approach Nicklaus? Pass him? If he can, just how many Major victories is it reasonable to expect out of him?

THE INTANGIBLES:

1) Fixing his mechanics. When Tiger Woods burst on to the scene, after a specatacular career as an amateur golfer, he had immediate success, winning six PGA tournaments, including one Major, his first two years on tour. He then suffered through a (for him) unsuccesful year, winning just one tournament and no Majors in his third year on the tour, in 1998, as he completely retooled his swing.

Many experts questioned the wisdom of tinkering with a successful approach, but it paid dividends the following two years, when Woods' new, more consistent swing won him 17 PGA tournaments, including four more Majors.

2) Steely resolve. As Tiger heads into his thirties, he finds himself a married man. If and when he and wife Elin have children, will that take away some of the drive and focus that has led this golfer to be among the hungriest ever? Jack Nicklaus has admitted that family concerns became more important than golf for a good part of the middle of his career.

Only time will tell if Tiger Woods will find his focus on things other than golf. It would certainly be understandable, especially if he has children, but considering his past history, and the knowledge that until he passes Nicklaus, he will never be considered the best ever, it seems not unreasonable to assume his desire will remain strong.

THE NUMBERS:

Like all sports, golf has changed immeasurably over the years. For the purpose of comparison, I looked at all golfers who have won at least four Major Championships in their career, with the majority of those wins coming in the last fifty years. There were ten men who fit in that category:

Winners of at least 4 Majors in the last 50 years:
Jack Nicklaus - 18 majors
Tiger Woods - 12 majors
Gary Player - 9 Majors
Tom Watson - 8 Majors
Arnold Palmer - 7 Majors
Nick Faldo - 6 Majors
Lee Trevino - 6 Majors
Seve Ballesteros - 5 Majors
Peter Thomson - 5 Majors
Ray Floyd - 4 Majors

I then divided each golfer's Major victories into the number he won during each five-year span, from age 20-24, 25-29, 30-34, 35-39, 40-44, and 45-49.

A few numbers jump out at you right away. Tiger Woods won 5 Majors between age 20 and age 24, the most ever. Jack Nicklaus was the only other golfer to win more than two, winning three.

Tiger also won 5 Majors from age 25 through 29, again the most ever for that age group. Once again, Jack Nicklaus was second in that category, with four, the only other golfer to win more than three from age 25-29.

In the age group of 30-34, Nicklaus, Watson and Palmer all won five Majors, with Faldo and Trevino each winning four apiece, leading you to assume that is the five-year period when most top golfers are in their prime. Looking at the numbers appears to bear that out. Here are the totals for the above winners with the exception of Woods, since he is just 30 and thus only fits into the first two categories:

Major Wins Age 20-24: 7 = 10%
Major Wins Age 25-29: 19=28%
Major Wins Age 30-34: 27=40%
Major Wins Age 35-39: 9 = 13%
Major Wins Age 40-44: 5 = 7%
Major Wins Age 45-49: 1 = 2%

What do these numbers tell us? It's probably a safe bet to assume Tiger Woods will outperform the averages listed above, since he did exactly that in each of the two 5-year periods of his career that he has completed. But even if you assume he won't outperform those numbers, that he will simply fall within the percentages listed for each 5-year period, you can learn a lot.

The totals for the nine most successful golfers of the last fifty years listed above show that they won a total of 38% of their Majors before reaching age thirty. If you assign that number to Tiger Woods, that means his 10 Major victories before age thirty (he has a total of 12 Major wins, but two of them came this year, after his 30th birthday) will comprise 38% of the total number of Majors he will win by the time his career is over.

By that extrapolation, Tiger Woods will win the incredible total of 26 Majors by the time he is finished with competitive golf, shattering the record set by Nicklaus and possibly setting a standard of excellence considered as unreachable in golf as DiMaggio's 56-game hit streak in baseball.

Impossible? Who knows, but if you enjoy golf, it might be wise to keep a close eye on the man who is well on his way to rewriting the record book in his sport.

Remember, the 26 Majors the statistics say Tiger Woods will win are only accurate if you assume he will fall right in the middle of the numbers for each 5-year period from now until he's finished as a competitive player, when in reality he has outperformed those numbers for each of the two 5-year periods he has thus far completed. I'm betting he will win more than 26. Thirty seems like a nice, round number to me. Don't count it out.

Dubliner Magazine, apologizing for publishing what it claimed were nude photos of Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren: "The publisher and staff at The Dubliner acknowledge that the satirical article was inappropriate and wish to sincerely apologize to Tiger Woods, his wife, Elin Nordegren and other Ryder Cup players and their families for any offense they may have taken to it."

What I Meant to Say: "We never realized how our circulation would skyrocket from this one little article. Hopefully this apology to the rest of the U.S. Ryder Cup team will suffice, as we are frantically searching the web for nude photos of anyone looking remotely like Amy Mickelson for next week's edition."

**********

Alex Rodriguez, responding to all the criticism he has received this season, including some from his own teammates: "I don't know if it's (because) I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."

What I Meant to Say: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

**********

Roger Clemens, Astros pitcher, after his final start of the season, and perhaps his career, in Houston: "I don't know what tomorrow brings - but if this is it, I've really enjoyed it."

What I Meant to Say: "Are you kidding me? Of course I'll consider coming back - $12 million for half a season's work is a pretty cushy gig if you can get it. Even though I already have more money than God, who can't use $12 million more?"

**********

Pete Rose, on at least thirty baseballs he signed for friends years ago: "I'm sorry I bet on baseball."

What I Meant to Say: "I'm really sorry I signed these damn balls and didn't get paid for it! Now they're going to be auctioned off and I won't see a penny. Sometimes life is so unfair."

**********

Terry Francona, Red Sox manager, on the possibility that pitcher Matt Clement, out since June 14, will make an appearance before the end of the season: "We don't want him pitching in a game just to say he pitched in a game. We want him to do it for the right reasons, and we'll see how it goes."

What I Meant to Say: "We want to drag out the end of this season just a little bit longer. Hopefully Matt can throw one of his patented four-hour gems, the ones that make you want to gouge out your own eyeballs or hammer a rusty nail into your ear just to make the torture stop."

**********

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans head coach, on why he felt it necessary to trade backup quarterback Billy Volek to San Diego: "He was untruthful with me, untruthful with his head coach, about where he was and what he was doing. So we started off on the wrong page."

What I Meant to Say: "Steve McNair never lied to me, and we didn't even let him use the team's training facility. Why did we get rid of him again? I can't remember."

**********

Jim Mora, Atlanta Falcons head coach, on the signing of 46 year-old placekicker Morten Andersen: "Morten Andersen is one of the finest field goal kickers in the history of the National Football League. His outstanding career speaks for itself, and we are excited to have him rejoin our organization."

What I Meant to Say: "He was great when he kicked for the Canton Bulldogs. Plus, George Blanda wasn't available."

As you may or may not have noticed in the sports headlines, Michelle Wie was forced to withdraw from the John Deere Classic Friday, after apparently being overcome by heat exhaustion during the second round in her latest attempt to make the cut in a men's PGA event.

While there seems to be no shortage of people looking out for Michelle Wie's burgeoning professional golf career, most notably her agent, Ross Berlin and her parents, B.J. and Bo, it's becoming more and more obvious that no one is the least bit concerned with what is in the best interest of Michelle Wie the person - the sixteen year-old young lady.

The fact that this tall, slim teenager could outdrive, outplay and outputt you and me on the golf course without even breaking a sweat or chipping a nail seems to have everyone convinced that her emotional maturity is at the same lofty level as her physical ability on the course. Maybe it's even the case. Maybe Michelle Wie is the rare teen who is emotionally and physically advanced beyond her tender years.

But somehow it seems much more likely that Miss Wie is slowly but surely becoming a victim of someone's obsession with the ultimately pointless exercise of attempting to contend over the weekend in a men's professional tournament. Whether this obsessive quest is her own or, as I believe much more likely, her father's, it seems way past time to rethink the whole proposition.

Is it not impressive enough that a sixteen year-old girl has the ability to compete against professional women two and even three times her age on the golf course? Will it be less impressive if she competes against the best men in the world when she's 21 or 26 or (gasp!) never?

The pressure being put on this impressive young lady either by herself or others is more than any sixteen year-old should have to deal with. While other girls her age are learning to drive, double-dating to pizza and a movie, and roaming the mall with their friends, Michelle Wie is battling it out with male PGA professionals, many of whom are clearly resentful of her presence on the course and are not the least bit shy about letting her know it.

The women's professional tennis circuit is littered with careers of teenaged girls who had immense talent but were pushed too hard by domineering fathers or agents out to maximize their takes off the young ladies' athletic abilities. Unable to deal with so much so early in their lives, many of them burned out before they could legally celebrate a tournament victory with a cold beer. The history is there for everyone to see. Is it possible that the people responsible for this young golfer's well-being refuse to see it?

Michelle Wie can potentially be a force in golf for the next thirty years. Couldn't her parents just allow her to at least be a semi-normal teen for a couple of years?

Dear Michelle,

On behalf of weekend golfers and two-bit hackers everywhere, please accept my hearty "welcome to the club!" By missing three makeable par putts Monday at Canoe Brook, late in your attempt to play your way into the men's U.S. Open at Winged Foot, you punched your ticket into our not-so-exclusive club.

This might be the only thing in the whole wide world you and I have in common, Michelle. I know nothing about being a teenaged golf phenom, or indeed about being a teenaged girl at all, for that matter. I do have a little experience dealing with teenaged girls, Michelle, having two daughters of my own, and I can tell you that you people are hard to understand most of the time.

But missing par putts? Now you're talking my language. Standing over an eight foot knee-knocker with the absolute, unshakeable certainty that you've read the break perfectly, then watching in disbelief as the ball slides past the hole on the short side, oh yeah, I've been there.

At least you didn't hold up the group behind you by placing your ball back in the same spot you missed from after putting out and trying it again, convinced that somehow the laws of physics had been temporarily suspended when you tried it that first time, only to discover that, against all odds, those laws of physics mysteriously disappeared again on your retry and the damn ball did the same exact thing. I hear some jokers do that, Michelle, not that you or I ever would.

Oh I know you were playing under a lot more pressure than I've ever faced on the course Michelle, but it's not like it's always been a piece of cake out there for me either. Pressure? I can tell you a few stories about pressure. A couple of years ago the course marshal at Trull Brook happened to be motoring by on his little golf cart with the orange flag flying behind it, when he stopped and watched as I was facing a tricky chip shot over a bunker onto the green.

Well, Michelle, I sank that chip shot, right over the sand and into the hole. As my playing partners were whooping it up, I had to pass right by the marshal. He could sense frustration on my part instead of excitement and as I walked by his cart, he asked, "was that to save par?" "Triple bogey," I muttered as I continued my death march to the next tee, steadfastly refusing to meet his eye. So as you can see, I know a thing or two about pressure myself, Michelle.

Now I'm not saying we're the same kind of golfer, don't get me wrong. You probably stand over more putts for par or better in one weekend than I do in a whole season of golf. The only thing I use my three iron for is to ward off rabid small animals with as I'm searching the woods for my ball.

I could practice eight hours a day for the rest of my life and I still couldn't approach your ability on the golf course, Michelle, but for just a little while, you and I were kindred spirits. I know you'll never admit it, but the words your mom told you never to say that were floating around in your head Monday are the same ones that occasionally make their way out of my mouth on the course.

So good luck in the future, Michelle. I know you are destined for bigger and better things in the world of golf. Female Tiger Woods and all that. But don't forget you're part of a big (excuse the pun) club. We don't have membership cards or anything, but I'm sure you'll learn the secret handshake at the next meeting.

----------So Roger Clemens was zipping fastballs past his son Koby during his first workout after signing with Houston for the rest of the season. That must go a long way toward reassuring the Astros their money is being well-spent. If Clemens faces a team of 19 year-old first-year professionals during the September stretch run, he will be untouchable.  

 

 

----------Here's a brain-teaser for you. I saw the end of the National Spelling Bee Thursday night on ABC (I know, I know, spelling is not a sport. Too bad, it's my post and if I had to watch it I'm at least going to get some mileage out of it). How is it possible that a Canadian girl was one of the final two contestants in the "National Spelling Bee?" It turns out students from any country where English is spoken are eligible. Wouldn't that make it the World Spelling Bee? Why is it the World Series is limited to teams from the U.S. and Canada, but the National Spelling Bee is open to anyone in the world?

 

  

----------Last week Washington Nationals manager Frank Robinson broke down in tears during his postgame press conference after having to remove catcher Matthew LeCroy in the middle of an inning. LeCroy had allowed seven stolen bases and made two throwing errors. Given how poorly the Nationals have played this season, it's a wonder Robinson isn't crying after every game. And what does that say about Kansas City manager Buddy Bell? If Robinson is in tears when he's ten games under .500, shouldn't Bell be having a hysterical fit or something with the Royals 27 games under?

 

 

----------The Boston Bruins are rapidly becoming the laughingstock of the NHL, which is like being the heaviest chick at the fat farm. First the Bruins trade away the MVP-caliber Joe Thornton. Then they miss the playoffs, which is not easy to do. You almost have to forget to show up to miss the playoffs in the NHL. Then they fire general manager Mike O'Connell, ignoring the fact that since they are so bad and have an owner unwilling to spend the money required to field a contender they might struggle to find a replacement. Finally, they find a suitable candidate for the GM position in Peter Chiarelli. Problem is, he's under contract in Ottawa until July 15. So, the Bruins have a GM who will be working for someone else the next six weeks. Amazing.

----------We are now one-third of the way through the major league season and still no managers have been fired. I figure as soon as one gets it, the axe is going to fall on probably three or four more in rapid succession.

 

----------The big controversy at the Memorial, at least in the early rounds, was over the bunker rakes. Jack Nicklaus wanted to make the bunkers more punitive, so the rakes were supplied with two inches between the tines rather than the usual one inch. The result? It's much more difficult for the players to make the ball do what they want it to do when they're playing out of the sand. Jeez. All the equipment advances in recent years making the game easier for the pros, and the players cry about bunker rakes. I wonder what Bobby Jones would have had to say about that?

 

 

----------Do you think Dontelle Willis is counting the hours until he gets released from the prison that has become the Florida Marlins? I don't know where he's going to end up, but wherever it is, it's bound to be a better situation than the one he's in right now.

Recently, I was at my old Aunt Esmerelda's house for my weekly brunch/tea leaf reading. Poor Aunt Esmie doesn't get many visitors, since most of the family feel she's nutty as a fruitcake, but I like her. She understands me. Plus, she serves one mean bacon and mushroom quiche.

Anyway, Esmerelda's eyesight isn't what it used to be, and instead of drinking from her cream soda, she accidentally sipped from her goblet filled with tea leaves soaking in rainwater. As she was rinsing her mouth out with ginger water in the bathroom, I decided to take a peek at the goblet. Just a peek.

Oddly, what I saw weren't fortunes at all, they were lost and found entries from some newspaper. I wasn't too sure what they all meant, but here they are. Maybe you can figure them out.

* * * * * *

**********LOST: One home run stroke. Last seen on May 7 leaving Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. I've been searching desperately for my stroke. Also known to go by the names of Dinger, Tater, Blast, Bomb, Round-Tripper, Big Fly, Four-Bagger and others. Needed badly, I can't go on much longer without it. Have cash, will pay big money for return of home run stroke, no questions asked. Call 555-JUCE and ask for Barry.


**********FOUND: Winning attitude, says it belongs in Los Angeles, but never seen in this part of the city before. Keeps repeating something like "Lakes," or possibly "Lakers." Contact us quickly at www.laclippers.com or we're keeping it.


**********LOST: Intimidation and swagger, sometime over this past winter. Last seen while I was intimidating my 16 year old unacknowledged daughter by threatening to sue her mother, haven't scared anyone since. If seen, approach carefully. Call 555-UNIT before my season is a total loss. Please.


**********LOST: Large #### of cash, somewhere around $50 million to $60 million. Had it when I entered the Vegas city limits and now it's gone. Possibly misplaced in Caesar's Palace, Tropicana, Wynn, MGM Grand, Bally's, Bellagio, New York New York, Mirage or other casino. Not too sure, I was drinking at the time. Will consider reward for return of cash - say free golf lessons? Call 555-FOOL and ask for John. Not too early please, I like to sleep late.


**********FOUND: New home in Boston. Friendly Monster in yard. Having double the fun here I had in Florida. No number to call because I'm never going back. HAH! Mike Lowell.


**********LOST: Baseball games and fans. Lots of them. We're sorry that we're sorry. Please come back, we're major leaguers too, sort of. RSVP to www.royals.com . P.S. We used to win a lot.


**********LOST: 1) Temper. 2) Control of bat. 3) Job - at least for fifty games.
**********FOUND: Lots of free time. I'm discovering this isn't an even exchange. Can't wait to get to big leagues, where they don't suspend you for throwing things at umpires. Just ask Bernie Williams. Looking for pen pal to help pass all the free time. Write to Delmon, at www.durhambulls.com.


**********LOST: "L" out of first name. I like to think I'm a wily character, but wish to be known as Willy Mo. If found, please return my "L" to Wily Mo, at www.bostonredsox.com.


**********LOST: That lovin' feeling. Can't stand Barry Bonds, because he's mean to people. Plus he wants to hit home run(s) off me. Not just any home run(s), but big, historic one(s). Please return that lovin' feeling to Russ Springer, www.astros.mlb.com. I'd like it back for when we're not playing the Giants.

* * * * * *

Well, there you have it. Strange, huh?

Joe Torre, on winning his 1000th game as skipper of the Yankees: "A thousand is a lot of wins...The Yankee record book is a special place to be. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be here this long."

What I meant to say: "A thousand is about 950 wins more than I expected to get in this zoo. I've got ulcers the size of George Steinbrenner's savings account. The only person around here with bigger ulcers is Brian Cashman."

**********

Josh Bard, ex-Red Sox catcher, prior to his being traded for Doug Mirabelli, on his ability to catch Tim Wakefield's knuckleball: "I know [Wakefield] believes in me, and I believe in me."

What I meant to say: "Oh you asked if I could catch it! I thought you said 'Can you watch it...."

**********

Hootie Johnson, Executive Director at Augusta National Golf Club, who recently announced he would be stepping down after eight years at the helm: "Our greatest concern has always been that the course be kept current with the times."

What I meant to say: "Martha Burk, I'll be roasting in hell before you ever step one single solitary foot on my golf course. Now, where are the rest of the Blowfish, I think it's time for a reunion tour."

**********

Martha Burk, former chairperson of the National Council of Women's Organizations, famous for protesting Augusta National's lack of female membership at the Masters Tournament in 2002: I hope that Billy Payne [incoming Augusta National Chairman] will exercise stronger leadership and better judgement than Hootie Johnson has, I would welcome a dialogue."

What I meant to say: "I'm glad that troglodite is finally gone. He'd better not even think about stepping foot inside my Curves gym. Billy Payne had better step up and talk to me, I haven't even had a whiff of the spotlight since 2002."

**********

Bill Parcells, Dallas Cowboys head coach, on having to answer question after question about new acquisition Terrell Owens: "I answered 35 questions on him the other day. That will be the last on him until we get on the field at practice in training camp. You won't hear anything else from me on that subject."

What I meant to say: "I'm already losing sleep over what he's going to do our team's chemistry. Now I wish I had given Jerry Jones my home phone number after the end of last season."

**********

Bud Selig, Major League Baseball Commissioner, on why MLB will not celebrate Barry Bonds breaking Babe Ruth's 714 home run mark: "Whatever happens, happens. We're going to let nature take its course."

What I meant to say: "His body is breaking down slowly but surely. We may not be able to stop him from breaking Ruth's mark, but we're betting he won't make it to Aaron's."

**********

Reggie Bush, on being selected by the New Orleans Saints as the #2 pick in the NFL Draft: "This is a dream come true....the dream of playing in the NFL. In that I think it's good to be here."

What I meant to say: "New Orleans? What happened to Houston? All I accomplished in my college career and I have to play for New Orleans? Is this a joke? Am I being punked?"

Bet on this - John Daly is facing tougher times now than he ever did when his drinking was out of control. After spending time in 1993 in an Arizona rehab center when he came to the conclusion he had to do so or face the possibility of drinking himself to death, Daly's addictive personality has latched on to gambling with a vengeance.

In excerpts from his book, John Daly: My Life In and Out of the Rough, due to be released next week, Daly acknowledges the destructive nature of his problem but falls short of recognizing its seriousness. You've seen the numbers. By his own estimate, Daly believes he has lost between $50 million and $60 million gambling in the last twelve years.

That bears repeating. Fifty to sixty million dollars. The sheer magnitude of those numbers is staggering, even in the rarefied air of millionaire professional sports figures. As a way to gain a little perspective, consider this: John Daly's career earnings on the PGA tour are $8.7 million. Not bad for a career, certainly more than you and I are going to make, but not enough to personally support every casino in Vegas, either.

Obviously, most of Daly's earnings, as is the case with most high-profile professional golfers, come from endorsement deals. It speaks to Daly's ability that even with his many highly-publicized problems, including once walking off the course during a tournament because he was shaking so badly, he has been able to remain competitive and popular with fans on the tour. This has enabled him to cash in on those endorsement deals to help feed his gambling habit.

Clouds may be gathering on the horizon, however, even in the area of endorsement money. According to Golf Digest.com, last year Daly earned a relatively paltry $1.25 million in off-course income, including endorsements, tournament appearance fees, speaking fees, etc. Combined with his nearly $2.7 million in on-course earnings, Daly last year made just under $4 million, not bad until you consider that if his estimates are correct, he has averaged losing around $4.6 million a year for the last twelve years gambling.

So far this year John Daly is languishing in 137th place on the PGA Tour's money list at $163,936. Ahead of him on the list are names like Tag Ridings, D.A. Points and Henrik Bjornstadt. The point? To continue financing his destructive and dangerous lifestyle, Daly must continue to play competitively in order to maintain the visibility needed to support his endorsement deals and continue that influx of money. If his playing performance drops off, the entire house of cards could collapse on top of him.

Meanwhile, John Daly continues gambling. "If I make a little bit [on $25 slots], then maybe I move up to the $100 slots or the $500 slots, or maybe I take it to the blackjack table. It's their money. Why not give it a shot, try to double it?"

In reality, what Daly is doing is not gambling. "Gambling" implies winning once in a while. What he really is doing is destroying himself just as surely as he did with alcohol, it's just taking him a little longer.

Jerry Remy - The former major league second baseman and current Red Sox color man, during a spring training broadcast, on why teams seem to be gravitating toward younger and younger General Managers: "These young GM's have been having a lot of sex..."

What I meant to say - Obviously, the last word in his comment was supposed to be "success," and he corrected himself after a pregnant pause (pun absolutely intended) of a couple of seconds. By that time, though, the damage was done, and the booth dissolved in laughter. It was a good half-inning or so before order could be restored and anything close to a normal conversation could be heard.

**********

Mike Nifong - "I'm confident a rape occurred."

What I meant to say - You would think a guy with as much of a legal background as a District Attorney presumably has would craft his words a little more carefully. Maybe something like "I'm confident some sort of criminal activity took place and I intend to get to the bottom of it" would have served both his interests and the interests of justice a little better. Now that it appears the DNA evidence does not support his rape statement, he might be regretting those words just a bit.

**********

Nomar Garciaparra - When the Boston Red Sox offered Nomar a four-year, $60 million contract extension prior to the spring of 2004, Nomar replied, "I'll play out the year and test the free-agent market."

What I meant to say - How about something like "Gimme that pen, where do I sign?" His reluctance to sign that four-year extension could end up costing him $30 million or more. Wow.

**********

Jerry Jones - Upon signing Terrell Owens to a three/year, $25 million contract to play for the Cowboys, Jones declared "This might work, and work really well, for the Dallas Cowboys."

What I meant to say - "Please please please give us at least one trouble-free season before you tear us apart. If Donovan McNabb couldn't get you the ball enough to keep you happy, how is Stonefeet Bledsoe supposed to do it?"

**********

Brett Favre - "What are they gonna do, cut me?"

What I meant to say - How about, let's see, maybe, oh, nothing? Why tarnish a Hall of Fame image with an idiotic statement, especially when you're leaving your team twisting in the wind?

**********

Tiger Woods - "I putted like a spaz today."

What I meant to say - Maybe something the politically correct police could stomach, say, "I putted like Ray Charles today." No? Maybe, "I putted like I forgot to take my Ritalin today." That doesn't work either? How about, "I putted like #### Cheney hunts today." ####, maybe it's just a lost cause....