A little more proof, just in case you needed any, that a lot of people in this world just aren't that freakin' smart:
According to the AP, Herbert Alex Simpson, 30, of Philadelphia, had a grudge against two female ex-coworkers, so he did what anyone would do in that situation - he wrote threatening letters to New York Giants football coach Tom Coughlin, pretending to be those two women, and threatening Coughlin with "a living hell" if he didn't pay $20,000 to $30,000 to keep phony sexual trysts with them quiet.
I know exactly what you're thinking. This story stinks on so many levels it's not even funny, although it really is kind of funny. Even Mrs. Coughlin didn't believe that ol' Tom would have what it takes to get two other women into bed; not even ones that don't know him.
When you think of smooth-talking ladykiller types, the intense and focused Coughlin isn't exactly the guy who springs to mind. Unless the young ladies were flaunting Washington Redskins playbooks, Tom Coughlin probably would never even have noticed them in the first place.
And how, exactly, did Herbert Alex Simpson, who clearly needs to work on his reasoning skills, think his big plan was going to hurt the two women he had such a problem with? Coughlin gets the letters and goes immediately to the authorities, who have seen interviews with Coughlin and thus have no problem believing he didn't sleep with the two women. The authorities then go to the women, they say "Never seen the letters before and never slept with Coughlin" and prove it (at least the first part) by giving samples of their handwriting, and they go on with their Coughlin-less lives.
Meanwhile, the authorities ask the obvious followup question, "Who do you think might do such a thing?" and, surprisingly, both women immediately think of, you guessed it, Herbert Alex Simpson. Sheesh. Homer Simpson looks like a Mensa candidate compared to this guy.
So now, in addition to pissing off Tom Coughlin and barely inconveniencing the two women he was angry with in the first place, Herbert Alex Simpson becomes a national laughingstock. His response? He claims he "never thought the coach would get them and he never intended to harm his family."
And, really, why would he think the coach would get them? Writing the man's home address on the envelope and sticking proper postage on it hardly ever results in a letter ending up where it was sent.
Poor Hebert Alex Simpson. He is now facing a sentence of up to two years in prison and potentially a $250,000 fine. Just a wild guess here, but I'll bet Herbert Alex doesn't have that kind of money. Luckily for him, there are still 31 other NFL head coaches just waiting to be suckered like Coughlin. No doubt he is busily writing up the letters even as we speak.
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If you love fiction and have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
A funny thing happened on the way to the coronation - Somebody forgot to tell the New York Giants they were supposed to play victim to the conquering New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.
The difference in the game came in an area you may not have expected. The amazing array of talent New England possesses at the wide receiver position? Nah. The vaunted Giants Thunder and Lightning running game? Nope. Tom Brady's deadly passing accuracy? Forget it. Eli Manning's penchant through most of the season for turning the ball over? Wrong again.
While each of those factors came into play at different times in the game, the real difference-maker in Super Bowl XLII was the study in contrasts provided by the two teams' offensive line play.
New England's O-line, three members of whom will be flying to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl next weekend, apparently thought the game was going to be played in Glendale, California, or one of the six other Glendale's that's not Arizona, because they were missing in action all night. The Giants blitzers were relentless, coming from everywhere and stalking Brady like paparazzi. They were rarely picked up, or even slowed down, by the line.
On the other side of the ball, Eli Manning looked like a guy out for a leisurely sunset stroll most of the time he dropped back to pass. Pressure on Manning was virtually nonexistent, and the Patriots were unable to force the Giants quarterback into making mistakes, with the exception of one interception on a tipped ball that should have been caught.
The result of the Patriots inability to stop New York's pass rush was the neutralization of New England's speed advantage at wide receiver. Brady was forced to dump the ball off underneath, usually to Wes Welker (who would have been the game's MVP were it not for New York's clutch drive in the waning seconds of the game), before consistently getting buried time after time beneath a blitzing Giant.
Brady's much-ballyhooed ankle injury didn't appear to be a factor, although it was hard to tell since most of his evening was spent flippng the ball away before disappearing underneath a wave of Giants jerseys. His specialty is sliding around in the pocket to buy an extra second or so for his receiving corps to break coverage, but there was very little of that last night - New York's defense took aim at Number Twelve and teed off.
The Giants looked like a team out to prove something last night. They appeared hungrier and more prepared, playing with a passion and intensity that seemed to be lacking on the Patriots side of the ball. They shook off the distractions of Super Bowl week, focused on the task at hand, and literally played a full sixty minutes, taking the lead for the final time on a drive John Elway would have been proud of, scoring with barely more than half a minute left.
The defense punctuated the win with one last sack of Brady in the waning seconds of the game, as he dropped back, desperately trying to get into field goal range to send the game into overtime. No miracles here, unless you count Brady's ability to walk off the field under his own power after the game.
So congratulations to the World Champion New York Giants. I'm proud to say I picked you guys to go all the way before the playoffs started!
What? I picked them to lose in the Wild Card round? And in every subsequent round? That can't be right; any fool could see they were the team to beat. Oh, well, I was just kidding when I picked you guys to lose. I saw this coming all the way. Trust me.
So here it is, the moment that the people angry and jealous of the New England Patriots' success over the last seven years have been waiting for - the very same moment that fans of the Patriots refused to believe would ever arrive - allegations, on the eve of Super Bowl XLII, that there is more to the "Spygate" controversy after all.
According to the Boston Herald and the Associated Press, allegations have surfaced that a member of the Patriots video staff illegally taped a St. Louis Rams walk-through the day before New England's victory in Super BowlXXXVI. If true, this would seem to put the lie to the Patriots contention that they released all the material they had on the matter to the league office and that the videotaping was more than an isolated incident, but rather a pattern of activity.
You can almost hear the anti-New England camp (Read: just about everyone outside Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and some of Connecticut) gleefully sharpening their knives and contemplating exactly how to shove them up under head coach Bill Belichick's shoulderblades in order to inflict the most damage.
Should Belichick be fired by Pats owner Robert Kraft? Suspended by NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell? If so, for how long? One season? More? Maybe Belichick will win one last Super Bowl Sunday night and walk off into the sunset! Stay tuned, this is just getting good!
Um....excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your semi-orgasmic ruminations or rain on your parade in any way....but may I ask the question the people so anxious to convict Bill Belichick and the Patriots organization seem to be conveniently ignoring? Is there any proof of this charge?
I only ask because, and maybe this is just me, but doesn't the timing of this latest bombshell seem a little, oh, I don't know, convenient, as Dana Carvey used to say? The NFL confiscated the videotape of the New York Jets on September First (157 days ago, or over 22 weeks ago, if you're keeping score), and followed that up by quickly ordering the Patriots to turn over any other tapes and materials related to those tapes that they had in their possession.
The league and Roger Goodell were satisfied that New England complied with their edict and said so at the time, and have said so on numerous occasions ever since. In fact, the AP says the NFL was informed of the "rumor" about Super Bowl XXXVI months ago and investigated it at the time, coming to the conclusion, according to NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, that "there was no evidence of it..."
Only one report I have read gives any indication as to who is the source of these latest accusations. According to Alex Marvez, in a report published on Foxsports.com, a "former member of the Patriots video department" named Matt Walsh "has hinted at other improprieties."
Okay, Mr. Walsh. You've primed the pump, now it's time to deliver. Instead of hinting at improprieties and hiding behind anonymous accusations, how about you put an end to this little brush fire you've created one way or the other. If you have proof the New England Patriots illegally taped a St. Louis Rams walk-through, or if you have proof of some other sinister machinations masterminded by Darth Belichick and company, how about you produce it, and immediately.
By slinging mud, in the classic manner of a jilted lover or bitter former employee, you tarnish the reputations of dozens of hard-working and successful professional men, both athletes and coaches. Of course, I'm pretty sure that's your intention. You are a bitter ex-employee taking advantage of the Patriots success at a time when you can get the most mileage out of your unsubstantiated charges.
Why wait until the day before the Super Bowl to unleash your bombshell? Would it have anything to do with, say, an unsuccessful attempt to extort money from your former employers? If Senator Specter's staff were to investigate your claims, would they discover calls placed to the Patriots offices, or perhaps emails or snail mail sent to the team, threatening to go public with your hints and allegations if you weren't paid off?
That's my theory on this tempest in a teapot, Mr. Walsh. But you can prove me wrong. Release the tape showing that the Patriots recorded the Rams the day before Super Bowl XXXVI. Release the tapes you have showing the other improprieties you are so certain took place. Prove me wrong.
I don't understand Media Day. You know, the Tuesday before the Super Bowl, when the two teams who will be competing on Sunday traditionally get trotted in front of thousands of journalists to be asked silly questions by presumably otherwise sane people?
What's the point of that, exactly? Isn't every day Media Day in modern America? In this world of 24-hour news channels, weather channels, sports channels, and a world-wide web where ordinary schmucks like me can access all the news, sports, and pictures of Giselle Bundchen whenever we damn well please, isn't "Media Day" now just a pointless anachronism, kind of like Dan Rather before he was forced out at CBS?
Okay, maybe the idea is to let national journalists who haven't had an opportunity before now to interview Chris Hanson or Matt Cassel get in all their probing questions before all the players get down to the real reason they're in town - preparing to beat the #### out of each other in five days for the right to be called World Champions.
I guess I could understand that, if in fact it were the case. But it's not, unless of course the journalists actually do want to hear the innermost thoughts of the Patriots' seldom-used punter or backup quarterback. Because the guys everyone wants to hear from, the Tom Bradys and the Michael Strahans and the Randy Mosses and the Plaxico Burresses are mobbed on media day, engulfed by rabid newshounds like Paris Hilton by college boys at a frat party.
The chances of any one journalist getting an actual interview with any of the impact players for either team on Media Day are zero; less than zero, actually, because that's not how the whole circus is structured. If you're lucky, and you're repping ESPN, and you're a babe like Rachel Nichols, you might get to ask a question and then even a followup; but otherwise, if you're Joe Sixpack writing for the Des Moines Register, fuhgeddaboudit. You might as well skip Media Day entirely and make sure you're first in line for the hot wings at the Airport Hilton Happy Hour.
Instead of well-thought out questions with, oh, say, maybe a football impact, you get Bill Belichick being asked what he watches on television (Turns out he doesn't watch much TV - big surprise, right?), Matt Light being asked what he thought of Osi Umenyiora's charge he's a dirty player (He's pretty sure Osi was kidding), Randy Moss being asked who's the fastest receiver on the Patriots (Randy Moss), and Tom Brady being asked if Giselle has morning breath (You'll never know).
Just kidding on that last one, although I only saw excerpts from the Media Day Circus, so technically it is possible someone actually did ask that. What's funny is that this year's two Super Bowl teams are coached by two men who would rather chew nails than speak with the media under normal circumstances; in fact, most of the time when they're talking with a journalist, they look as though they may well be swallowing something sharp and unpleasant.
But the rules are the rules, and the NFL says they have to avail themselves to the media for Media Day, so there they were, making nice and acting like two guys without a care in the world, rather than two obesessive lunatics counting the seconds before they could get back to their laboratories and resume cooking up their evil potions.
It's all part of the charm of the pre-Super Bowl hype, I suppose. The Big Event as con####uous consumption. If you look at the Super Bowl as largely another piece of entertainment, a grandiose lead-in to the season premiere of 24, then I guess Media Day makes sense - it certainly has a Hollywood veneer to it.
But if you're a sports fan, and you're anxiously awaiting the Championship Game, as it used to be called before Pete Rozelle had his stroke of pure marketing genius, Media Day is nothing more than a bump in the road, just a little more of the incessant talk and analysis we have to suffer through before they actually toss the coin and choose sides.
Contraray to what many people seem to believe, it is possible for the New York Giants to defeat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII February 3 in Glendale, Arizona. The two teams met barely more than a month ago in the regular season finale and New England was forced to come back in the second half to post a three-point win.
Of course, come back they did, with a 22-0 run over a 23 minute stretch of the third and fourth quarters to erase a twelve point deficit, before giving up one final Giants touchdown, resulting in the 38-35 final score.
The general consensus seems to be that this game was the one that propelled the Giants into becoming the team that marched through the NFC playoff field with three straight road wins and gave them the confidence to believe they can be the team to dethrone the undefeated Pats. Of course they can, and this is how.
Please allow me to present the Top Ten Ways the Giants can Defeat New England in Super Bowl XLII:
10) Kidnap Bill Belichick and replace him with the real Darth Vader to prowl the New England sideline.
The success of this one depends upon when the kidnapping gets accomplished. If it's after Belichick and company has finished installing the game plan for Sunday, which probably has already happened, it may be too late.
9) Duct-tape the mouth of every Giants player shut and hope the Patriots forget what Osi and Plaxico already said.
Why does every team seem to feel the need to poke the bear? It's what happens on the field that matters, and talking smack then losing just makes players look silly.
8) Recruit Mother Nature to run an Alberta Clipper down over Glendale, Arizona.
The more snow the better for New York, ruining the field and slowing the New England receivers to a crawl. In fact, just petition the league to move the game to Green Bay.
7) Sneak Peyton Manning onto the field in Eli's uniform.
This one's debatable as well, since Peyton's track record against the Pats is spotty at best, but he's at least a better bet than little brother Eli, who will be mincemeat after New England has two weeks to prepare defensive schemes for him.
6) Buy Stephen Gostkowski a copy of Lawrence Tynes' new book, The Art of Kicking Chip-Shot Field Goals. If this isn't possible, somehow force Gostkowski to watch a continuous loop of the two easy field goals Tynes missed against Green Bay, hoping the bad kicking form will subliminally insert itself into Gostkowski's brain.
5) Rent every available copy of Remember the Titans, Rocky, and every other inspirational movie the Giants can find.
Then hire a crane to lift them and dump them all on top of the Patriots players while they're in a meeting. Might slow 'em down a little.
4) Recruit Lawrence Taylor to hire hookers for all the Patriots players every night until the game.
The exception, of course, is Tom Brady. Don't even bother trying it with him, he has Giselle; what would he want with a hooker? The plan for Brady is listed further down.
3) Lure all the Patriots wide receivers to University of Phoenix Stadium hours before the game.
As the crew is sliding the removable field into position, get the receivers to look in the other direction in the hopes the field will run them over. Kind of like what happened to Vince Coleman with the tarp, only on a much bigger scale.
2) Reinstall a boot on Tom Brady's foot while he's sleeping.
Not a plastic protective boot either. Make it the Denver Boot that the police use to render cars undrivable. This might keep him from sliding around in the pocket away from New York's pass rush.
1) Distract Brady.
And not with those silly Giselle masks they were handing out in New York either. He's way too focused to even notice those. They need to get photos o####iselle Bundchen-Bridget Moynihan lesbian affair. I know they're probably not readily available, but that would likely be enough to crack even Tom Brady's legendary focus. It's certainly cracked mine.
Just in case you're not already sick to death of the seemingly endless pre-Super Bowl hype, the two weeks of practicing and posturing, of analysis and predictions, of coaches quotes and media day silliness, I've got great news for you! I'm here to finish you off!
Numbers have always intrigued me; maybe that's why I love baseball so much. There is no sport as much in love with numbers and statistical analysis as baseball. But we're here to talk football today, so please allow me to present some completely meaningless and utterly pointless Super Bowl facts I gleaned from my research into the results of the first 41(That's XLI to you Roman Numeral aficionadoes) Big Games:
- Of the 41 Super Bowls, the participating teams have had identical regular season records 7 times.
- Of the remaining 34 Super Bowls, the team with the better regular season record won 24 times (71%).
- The biggest spread between the regular season records of the two participating teams in the Super Bowl is 6 games, occurring this year between the Patriots (16-0) and the Giants (10-6).
- The second-biggest spread between the regular season records of the two participating teams in the Super Bowl is 4 games, occurring in 1986 between the Bears (15-1) and the Patriots (11-5).
- No other Super Bowl has featured teams whose regular season records were more than three games apart.
- There have been 7 Super Bowls prior to this year featuring a team with one loss or fewer, none in the last 22 years (Bears - 15-1, 1986)
- Of those 7 Super Bowl teams featuring one loss or fewer, two ended up losing the game (Oakland Raiders - 13-1, 1968 and Baltimore Colts - 13-1, 1969)
- The most common regular season record for teams participating in the Super Bowl is 12-4 (14), followed by 13-3 (13) and 11-5 (12).
- Only one team with a 9-7 regular season record has ever played in a Super Bowl (Rams, 1980, lost to Pittsburgh 31-19).
- One team prior to this year with a regular season record of 10-6 made it to the Super Bowl (49'ers, 1989, defeated Cincinnati 20-16).
- Only twice in the last 32 years has the losing team in a Super Bowl been held under double-digits (1984 - Raiders 38, Washington 9, and 2001 - Ravens 34, Giants 7)
- In the first 9 years of the Super Bowl, the losing team was held to single digits in points scored six times.
- It has been 33 years since the winning Super Bowl team was held to under 20 points (1975 - Steelers 16, Vikings 6)
- The lowest point total for a Super Bowl winning team is 14 (1973 - Miami 14, Washington 7).
- The highest point total for a Super Bowl losing team is 31 (1979 - Steelers 35, Cowboys 31).
- There has been just one Super Bowl decided by less than three points (1991 - Giants 20, Bills 19).
If you're still with me after all this, sorry about your eye strain, but I did warn you these were completely meaningless and utterly pointless Super Bowl facts, didn't I?
Okay, I'm wrong, I admit it. This is an admission that should come as a surprise to pretty much no one who knows me; I'm wrong a lot. Giants-Packers? Wrong. Notre Dame football being competitive? Wrong. Dallas in the Super Bowl? Wrong, wrong, wrong, all wrong.
But I'm not always wrong, and in this case, I was pretty confident I was right. I didn't think there was any way Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin would allow any of his players to say anything whatsoever in a public forum that could be interpreted as bulletin-board material by the New England Patriots in the two weeks prior to the Super Bowl.
Wrong again. We still have eight days to go and already the dam has sprung a leak. The Giants magnificent defensive end Osi Umenyiora, in an appearance on Inside the NFL with Bob Costas Wednesday night, called Patriots left tackle Matt Light a dirty player.
Now, I'm not saying Light isn't dirty, I have no idea and neither do you. He may very well be the nastiest lineman to come down the pike since Lyle Alzado; he could also be as clean as Mother Theresa. Unless you are down in the trenches where the hand-to-hand combat in the NFL is fought, there is simply no way to know which guys eye-gouge and kick and bite and pull all the Three Stooges tricks we wanted to try out when we were kids, and which guys don't.
My understanding of life along the line of scrimmage has always been that pretty much everyone will get away with whatever they think they can. The worst place in the world to be, we've always been told, besides a Turkish prison, is under the pile fighting for control of a loose ball. Fingers get bitten, eyes get punched, elbows get thrown, sometimes on teammates, because there's no way to know for sure whose appendage belongs to whom. Or so we've always been told.
But now, Osi Umenyiora has decided to inform the world that Matt Light is dirty. Fair enough. How is he dirty, exactly, Osi? Well, when the two teams played each other in the season finale a few weeks ago, Light was "doing a couple of things that you know he shouldn't have been" doing. He declined to be more specific when pressed by Costas, so we'll just have to believe him. Or not.
The point, though, is this. The New England Patriots live for this stuff. It's not used as motivation, exactly. If a team needs extra motivation to play in the Super Bowl, there's something wrong. It's more a case of the players banding together to prove everyone wrong. The old, "them against us" ploy.
Steelers safety Anthony Smith guarantees a victory? The Patriots target him twice on touchdown throws designed not just to score, but to make Smith look bad in the process. Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman ridicules Pats wide receiver Jabar Gaffney, saying, "Gaffrey, Gaffley, Gaffney, who is this guy?" Tom Brady ensures Gaffrey, Gaffley, Gaffney finds the end zone in the playoff game against San Diego.
A football game in the NFL is in many ways almost like a chess match. Teams look to exploit each others' weaknesses and whoever is more successful in doing so usually wins. As a critical cog in the Giants defense, Umenyiora was already looking at being taken out of the game by the Patriots, and his ill-advised comments have only added fuel to that fire for New England's defense.
You have to wonder what Tom Coughlin's reaction was when he saw or heard the comments made by Umenyiora. The Giants head coach is almost Belichickian when it comes to his efforts to control things like distractions and how they affect his team. If you remember the look of gastric distress on his face after Lawrence Tynes missed the two field goals against Green Bay, you probably have a pretty good idea what he looked like hearing this.
Oh, well. At least there are only eight more days now before the game. I'm sure this will be the end of it.
So where in the world is Eli Manning? You know, the Master of Inconsistency, the man New York Giants fans have come to know and feel incredibly conflicted about? The guy who was just as likely to cough up the football as throw it away, or to toss a key interception as laser a spiral through three defenders into his receiver's breadbasket?
Who the heck was that guy in the Number 10 Giants jersey Sunday night? Maybe the real reason Peyton Manning wasn't in the stands at frozen Lambeau Field wasn't because he was afraid of jynxing his little brother as the media folks told us; maybe it was because he snuck into the locker room before the game and pretended to be Eli.
Let's face it - the reason you didn't pick the Giants over Green Bay is because you didn't trust Eli to hold on to the ball when the temperatures plummeted below zero and the wind was whipping across the Wisconsin night. But he made it look almost easy, didn't he?
The Packers, with their first-ballot Hall of Fame quarterback, the guy who has thrown so many footballs under poor weather conditions that you figured Sunday night would be a walk in the park, couldn't spark the offense all night with the exception of one big play. The Giants, on the other hand, ran their offense like it was a 60 degree September afternoon in the Meadowlands.
What gives? Is it possible that Eli Manning has finally turned the corner and is in the process of blossoming into the elite quarterback New Yorkers have expected him to be? Or is this another tantalizing glimpse of what could be, only to be followed up by an implosion on football's biggest stage February 4?
Starting with the Giants hard-fought loss to the Patriots in the regular-season finale, and followed up with the three playoff games since, here are Eli Manning's numbers:
Is it possible that these numbers, so staggeringly different from each other, could have been put up by the same person? And if they were, what does it say for the Super Bowl showdown with New England on February 4? The Giants are double-digit underdogs, but if Manning can continue his recent run of outstanding production, this will be a game much more competitive than many people expect.
It might be a bit of an overstatement to say Eli Manning's future in New York will be determined by this one upcoming game, but if he is able to perform the way he has for the past month, it will go a long way toward erasing the view people have of him as Peyton's less-accomplished brother and giving him his own well-earned reputation.
- What is the over/under on how many Cowboy losses it will take next fall before the "Fire Phillips" bandwagon gets rolling full steam? Three? One? Jason Garrett has completed his whirlwind head coaching interview tour and decided to stay in Dallas as Assistant Head Coach at a salary close to the $3 million a year Wade Phillips makes. Maybe Phillips isn't walking the plank just yet, but he must feel the swords nudging him in the back, at least a little.
- Does Dallas have the best strip clubs of any NFL city, or just the most? Pacman Jones, the man who can't seem to stay out of the fine establishments, or even stay out of trouble when he's in them, has said he would like to leave Tennessee and move on to the Cowboys. This from a guy who isn't even guaranteed a reinstatement to the NFL by Roger Goodell unless he can show he is able to stay out of trouble. His record of six arrests in less than three years says that's not a winning bet.
- Does Peyton Manning go to younger brother Eli now for advice about playing the quarterback position? And will the chairs for Sunday dinner at the Archie Manning residence get moved around at all now that Eli is still in the Super Bowl hunt and Peyton is playing golf? Does Eli get to sit at the adult table and Peyton at the card table with the kiddies?
- Wouldn't it be funny if Anny Grant, the young girl who was booed at the RCA Dome for wearing a Patriots jersey last Sunday, wore a Colts jersey to Gillette Stadium this afternoon? She earned a lot of admirers for her good-natured response to her Indianapolis reception, including Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who invited her and her entire family to be his guest at the AFC Championship game in Foxboro. She reportedly will take part in the pregame coin toss. Imagine the stunned silence if she were to walk out on the field in a Peyton Manning jersey....just a thought.
- Is Roger Clemens regretting his quick boast that he would be happy to testify at a Congressional hearing on the steroids mess? After seeing what happened with Congress and Miguel Tejada, who isn't even in the country right now, you would think the last place Clemens would want to be is Capitol Hill. He can retain all the ex-Clinton lawyers he wants, but they won't be able to protect him much if he perjures himself.
- Will the fact that the Packers practiced this week with frozen footballs give them a leg up on the Giants at frigid Lambeau Field tonight? The temperature will be close to zero by gametime, so you can be sure there will be plenty of frozen balls in Green Bay. And if practicing with frozen footballs results in a win for the Packers, will they use frozen turkeys next time, figuring more is better?
- Will the Atlanta Falcons ever be able to convince anyone to accept their vacant head coaching position? The latest to interview for the job is Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier. Is the man trying to punish himself for some unknown transgression? Regardless, even the Miami Dolphins now have a head man, and they won only one game last year.
- Are the San Diego Chargers screwed if Philip Rivers can't play or goes down against New England? Absolutely not. If you compare career statistics for Rivers and Billy Volek, the Chargers backup, you find they are remarkably similar in many respects, such as the following:
Games played - Rivers 36, Volek 30
Completion percentage - Rivers 60.8%, Volek 59.7%
Touchdown percentage and interception percentage - Rivers 4.6% and 2.6%, Volek 4.9% and 2.6%
Yards per attempt - Rivers 7.0, Volek 6.6
Quarterback rating - Rivers 86.6, Volek 84.9
In short, the Chargers are better off with Rivers thanks to intangibles like his fiery attitude. Plus, it's debatable how much Volek would be affected by the rust of not having played a lot besides the fourth quarter last week - the Patriots have been known to confuse guys with a lot more game experience than Volek.
But if push comes to shove and Rivers is unable to go, San Diego has a guy who is more than capable of running the team, as he proved last weekend in the big comeback against Indianapolis.
As I try to recover from the beating I took from all the comments on yesterday's post roasting me when I had the nerve to posit the theory that a young girl was tougher than Cowboys star Terrell Owens - I still believe it, by the way - the calendar reminds me it's almost Sunday and therefore almost time for the NFL's conference championship games.
Since I made a fool of myself last week, picking wrong on three of the four games, I might just as well go all the way and pick again. Maybe I'll get lucky and avoid looking so bad this week with my picks. I'll tell you one thing, though. If I do really badly with my predictions, I'm pretty sure it will be okay if I cry, as long as I do it on camera and I'm somehow associated with the Dallas Cowboys.
Here are the updated records for the four teams left in the Super Bowl hunt against quality opposition, which I define as any opponent having a record of better than .500:
1) New England Patriots 8-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 4-1 (.800)
3) San Diego Chargers 4-3 (.571)
4) New York Giants 3-5 (.375)
These numbers make it appear that both games should be runaway victories for the home teams, the Packers and the Patriots. But in this case I'm not sure it's fair to infer that, since all four teams have proven themselves worthy against tough competition by this point in the year, including the Giants, whose last three games against quality opposition have all been wins.
Another factor to consider are the teams' home and road records, which are as follows:
1) New England Patriots at home: 9-0 (1.000)
2) New York Giants on the road: 9-1 (.900)
3) Green Bay Packers at home: 8-1 (.889)
4) San Diego Chargers on the road: 5-4 (.556)
Those are some interesting numbers right there. Winning on the road in the NFL is almost universally agreed to be one of the toughest things to do, and yet the Giants have gone an incredible 9-1 away from Jersey. In fact, the last time New York lost a road game was way back on September 9, the first game of the season!
Even the Chargers relatively unimpressive road record is a bit deceiving, since they started out 1-4 on the road and have since won their last four road games in a row, including last week's hard-fought win at the RCA Dome. San Diego hasn't lost a game on the road since before Thanksgiving.
So what does it all mean? Obviously, something's got to give, but I don't buy the 14 point spread in the San Diego-New England game, even if neither Philip Rivers nor LaDainian Tomlinson can play, which at this point seems unlikely.
Here's what I see happening:
AFC: Patriots 27, Chargers 21
NFC: Packers 17, Giants 14
Given my laskluster performance in picking the games last week, people in San Diego and New York should be jumping for joy right now. I fully admit to being a Patriots fan, although I've tried not to let it affect my picks. Who's to say whether it has?
Here's the thing, though. Although I have a dog in this fight (Sorry about that, Michael Vick), fans of all four teams should be excited about the games. Remember to have fun watching - fans of 28 other teams would love to be where your team is right now!
People seem to have this stereotype of professional football players as big, tough he-men, supermen almost, and why wouldn't they? It's difficult to get a true appreciation for how big these guys are when you see them on TV, since they're all equally mammoth so it skews the perspective, almost like listening to a presidential debate.
But if you've ever seen an NFL player up close, say walking through an airport or stealing your girlfriend, you begin to get a real appreciation for just how big these people really are. Their forearms are bigger than your thighs; hell, if you're anything like me, their wrists are probably bigger than your thighs. Unless of course we're talking about the placekicker, in which you can disregard all of the above.
Anyway, when you see how big NFL players really are, you naturally assume they are tough as nails, and in a lot of cases this is undoubtedly true (Quick aside - when I was in college, a backup linebacker lived in my dorm, and this guy used to routinely smash chips out of the building's concrete block construction using nothing but his head! And this was a backup player on a college team).
Leave it to Terrell Owens to break another perception barrier, shattering our notion of football players as semi-indestructible automatons by weeping like a little girl after the Dallas Cowboys lost to the New York Giants at home last Sunday. And what caused the tears to flow? It wasn't the trauma of losing the game, everyone knows T.O. isn't the most team-oriented guy in the world. Rather, it was the thought that, sniff, sob, the team's quarterback, Tony Romo, would be forced to shoulder a disproportionate share of the blame.
Oh, the humanity! The sheer unfairness of it all! But guess what, T.O.? That's the way it is in sports. Always has been, always will be. Being the quarterback in football is like being the pitcher in baseball or the goaltender in hockey - if your team loses, you get to be the goat. This is the flip side of the disproportionate adulation those guys get when they win; why Tony Romo dates Jessica Simpson while his offensive linemen have to settle for Romo buying them a steak dinner if he so chooses.
But finally we get to my point, which I almost forgot about. Anny Grant, a fourteen year old girl no one had ever heard of five days ago, is now the subject of national media attention for being the anti-T.O. When booed by a stadium full of rabid Colts fans at the RCA Dome for wearing a Patriots jersey while being honored as a Punt, Pass and Kick winner, this little girl shrugged off the negative attention with a smile.
Terrell Owens, big, tough football player, can't make it through a media session without weeping like #### Vermeil at a poetry reading, and this young girl shrugs off a reception from 60,000 screaming people that most of us would find at least a little disconcerting.
What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Not much, really, but maybe the put-down people use, when they say so-and-so cried like a little girl, needs to be reworked and updated. How about this? "Joe cried like T.O. when he got that speeding ticket. It was a riot!"
The AFC and NFC championship games are looming this weekend in two cities where weather in mid-January could be a huge factor. If you don't think so, just ask the Seattle Seahawks. Those poor guys started the game in Green Bay last weekend in normal, albeit cold, weather and by the time the rout had mercifully ended they looked like Kurt Russell and the cast of The Thing stumbling around lost in Antarctica with some sort of monster chasing them.
Oddly enough, the Packers appeared to be enjoying themselves in the blizzard, which, I suppose is to be expected when you're kicking the other team's butt all over the frozen tundra.
So, the question is, what are the weather conditions going to be like this Sunday, when, in perhaps the only time you will see these two cities on your radar at the same time for any reason, Green Bay and Foxboro take center stage in the sporting world for a few hours.
I looked at the long-range forecast for each city on weather.com and discovered a couple of interesting things. First off, there is more than one Green Bay as well as more than one Foxboro, which I did not know. In addition to Green Bay, Wisconsin, there is also a sister city named Green Bay, Virginia. Even stranger, in addition to Foxboro, Massachusetts, there is a Foxboro, Wisconsin which seems to give the whole thing a weird sort of synchronicity.
Seemingly against all odds, neither stadium will feature a big snowstorm this Sunday, at least not according to the long range forecast. Gillette Stadium in Foxboro will see partly cloudy skies with a high temperature of 23 degrees, but with winds out of the west-northwest at up to 25 miles per hour. If true, that would result in a wind chill factor of about 6 degrees.
That's the good news. In Green Bay, the high temperature is forecasted to be just 4 degrees, with snow flurries and 13 mile per hour winds. This translates into a wind-chill factor of about -13 degrees, without even Philip Rivers' hot air to warm things up.
Just for a point of reference, the temperature in Fairbanks, Alaska Sunday will be 14 degrees. Plus, and this will warm the hearts of everyone planning to attend the game, the NFC Championship doesn't even start until 6:30 p.m., by which time the high temperature will be just a fond memory.
If you happen to have tickets to either game, have fun and make sure you bring plenty of antifreeze. It will be a toasty 72 degrees in my seat, unless I feel a chill, and then I'll bump it up to 75.
The amazing thing about Terrell Owens' crying jag in front of the media isn't so much that he did it, but rather that he showed some empathy for someone other than, well, Terrell Owens. For a man almost universally believed to be in love with himself, this was an incredible display, one which I'm pretty sure signals the impending apocalypse.
If so, we could all be running out of time, but before I begin attempting to explain to my maker my reasoning for all of the missteps I've made over the last 48 years, let's get something straight.
Tony Romo was stupid to go to Cabo with Jessica Simpson for a few days during the Cowboys bye week, but not because it had anything whatsoever to do with Dallas losing that game to the New York Giants. Players routinely scatter to all corners of the country when given time off by the coaching staff and nobody was the least bit concerned about where, say, Terence Newman went on his off days and who he spent time with.
But as the quarterback for America's Team, Romo had to understand he would be held to a different standard if Dallas did not win a home playoff game against the Giants, a team they had beaten twice already this season.
The notoriety that comes with his position is a double-edged sword. The same recognition and hero-worship that allows him to get Hollywood cuties like Simpson and Carrie Underwood with barely more than a snap of the fingers makes him the Number One Target of the fans' venom when that Hollywood ending everyone is expecting does not materialize.
If Romo had spent his time off in his apartment manipulating his joystick playing Madden 2008, no one would now be questioning his judgment, at least not his off-field judgment.
But here's the thing people should remember about Tony Romo: He's a second-year starter in the NFL, where it often takes quarterbacks years to gain the experience necessary to win in the postseason. Sure there are exceptions like Tom Brady, but it's not at all unusual for even future Hall of Famers to struggle in their first few playoff appearances.
Here are Romo's numbers for his first two playoff appearances, both losses:
You could play this game all day, but the point is this. Each of the above-mentioned quarterbacks eventually made it to a Super Bowl, with Elway winning two and Simms one. Marino lost in his only Super Bowl appearance but is widely and rightly regarded as one of the best quarterbacks ever. But the numbers for all of these greats indicate an inconsistency that should be expected from a relatively inexperienced quarterback.
So T.O. can cry all he wants, as can Cowboy fans everywhere, but maybe you should hold off on passing judgement on Tony Romo. He is only two games into what should be a long playoff career. He may or may not eventually become what people seem to think he is right now, someone who can't win the big one, but it is simply too early to make that kind of determination.
As someone said in one of the seemingly thousands of stories I've read since Sunday night about the upcoming NFL Divisional Round playoff games, we are now down to probably the eight best teams in the league for this season.
Since it is a given that any given team can beat any other given team on any given Sunday, provided of course the Dolphins aren't one of those teams, it becomes even more important to look at the numbers if you want to attempt to divine who will be the four teams competing next weekend in the Conference Championship games.
My theory is that by this point in the year, after a sixteen game regular season and one round of playoffs, the record that a team has forged against quality competition, that is, any team with a record over .500 for the season, will be as good an indicator as any of how that team will fare in games against, well, quality opposition, which is what all eight of the remaining teams are.
This theory worked pretty well last week, allowing me to go four for four with picks on the Wild Card Round. Here are the updated numbers for each of the remaining teams in the playoffs, and how they fared against teams with a record of at least 9-8 this season:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
3) Dallas Cowboys 4-2 (.667)
4) Jacksonville Jaguars 5-3 (.625)
5) Indianapolis Colts 4-3 (.571)
6) San Diego Chargers 3-3 (.500)
7) Seattle Seahawks 2-2 (.500)
8) New York Giants 2-5 (.286)
If you read my previous "By the Numbers" post, published before last weekend's games, you may remember that these numbers are skewed just a bit by the fact that Indianapolis and Dallas both lost games against quality opposition in the final week of the regular season when the games had no bearing on their playoff scenarios. So if you eliminate those two losses for those teams, the list now looks a little more representative of what I believe to be realistic numbers:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Dallas Cowboys 4-1 (.800)
3) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
4) Indianapolis Colts 4-2 (.667)
5) Jacksonville Jaguars 5-3 (.625)
6) San Diego Chargers 3-3 (.500)
7) Seattle Seahawks 2-2 (.500)
8) New York Giants 2-5 (.286)
A couple of items stand out right away. The Giants, although many people are picking them to upset Dallas thanks to their impressive road record this season and fine showing last week against Tampa Bay, will fall easily to the Cowboys. Dallas has not played particularly well the last few weeks, but Eli Manning is still too inconsistent to play a second road game in two weeks against a tough defense to advance.
All the other games look tough and close. Based on those numbers and a couple of other observations, here are the results you can expect this weekend:
Saturday, NFC: Seahawks 24, Packers 20 I know I picked Seattle for an early exit, but they showed a lot, especially on defense last week. Plus, Brett Favre, for as great a season as he has had, has been less impressive the last few weeks, protecting the ball with less enthusiasm than he did earlier in the year. I see a big turnover from Favre late in the game.
Saturday, AFC: Patriots 27, Jaguars 14 I like the Jags and I like David Garrard. He might just be the best quarterback nobody really knows in the NFL. But this isn't their year, New England's offense is just too explosive.
Sunday, AFC: Colts 35, Chargers 21 San Diego had one of the best second halves of the season of any team in the NFL, but I'm not sold on Philip Rivers yet in a big game against Peyton Manning and the Colts, in the RCA Dome.
It's finally NFL playoff time. The long, drawn out first act is over and it's time to move on to the speed round, where one bad game can mean months of regret and a team that gets hot at the right time can win it all.
There were plenty of surprises during the regular season, both pleasant ones and disappointments. The Bears, one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance, had their flaws exposed and finished just 7-9, tied with the Lions for last place in the NFC North. Likewise, the Saints, possibly the surprise of the year last year, slipped to 7-9 as well.
On the plus side of the surprise ledger, the Green Bay Packers rode their defense and the aging arm of Brett Favre to an impressive 13-3 mark and the second seed in the NFC, and in the AFC, the Cleveland Browns finished a surprising 10-6, tying Pittsburgh for first place in the North, although they fell victim to a numbers game and missed the playoffs entirely.
Now, though, the time has come to handicap the field of the twelve remaining teams as the annual tournament starts. For my money, the best way to judge a team's potential in a single-elimination format against the best of the best is to review their performance during the season against quality opposition, which I define as any team with a record better than .500, or any team that finished 9-7 or better.
This year, that group includes all the playoff teams plus the hard-luck Cleveland Browns. So, without further ado, here is each playoff team's record against quality opposition in 2007:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
3) Dallas Cowboys 4-2 (.667)
4) Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2 (.600)
5) Indianapolis Colts 4-3 (.571)
5) Jacksonville Jaguars 4-3 (.571)
7) San Diego Chargers 2-3 (.400)
7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-3 (.400)
9) Tennessee Titans 2-4 (.333)
10) Seattle Seahawks 1-2 (.333)
11) Washington Redskins 2-5 (.286)
12) New York Giants 1-5 (.167)
A couple of things should be considered when looking at these numbers. The Colts and Cowboys both lost games against quality opponents in Week 17 who were fighting for their playoff lives, while neither team had anything but pride to play for. The value of those losses is questionable when applying the numbers to the playoffs, so if you eliminate them, the Cowboys improve to 4-1 against quality opposition, the second-best mark in the NFL, and the Colts improve to 4-2, moving them up to fourth.
Teams who should be especially concerned looking at those numbers include the Giants, who won only one game all year against a quality opponent, and the Seahawks, who played just three games all season against the best of the best, winning just one, that all the way back on September 9. The Steelers should also be hearing footsteps, as they started out 3-0 against quality opponents, before losing their last two. That, plus the injury bug which has hit Pittsburgh hard, will mean a short playoff run for the Steelers.
The second thing to consider when looking at playoff matchups is the difficulty of each team's schedule. A team that finished 10-6 with a difficult schedule should be better-prepared to face the rigors of the playoffs than a team with an identical record that played a lot of cupcakes.
To determine how tough each playoff contender's schedule was, I ranked every NFL franchise from 1 to 32 based on record. Teams with identical records were sorted by point differential, so the Bucs get ranked just ahead of the Redskins even though they both finished 9-7, by virtue of the fact that they outscored their opponents by a cumulative 64 points as opposed to only 24 for the 'Skins.
Once the teams were ranked 1-32, I went through each playoff contender's schedule game by game and added up the value of each opponent over the course of the season. The higher the final number, the more difficult the overall schedule. The results are surprisi
