Over at Yahoo, they did a piece called, "America's Ten Worst Cities to be a Sports Fan." Of course, the headline on the main page was accompanied by a picture of a fan sitting in the stands with a paper bag over his head, something that has been done so many times by now that it should be considered the Madonna of sports cliches, topped only by (maybe) that silly "DE-" and then the picture of a fence which apparently has been mandated by law to be featured at every professional and college football game in the country.
I mean, really. The bag over the head thing was funny and original back in the seventies when poor, beleaguered New Orleans Saints fans were doing it, but where has the originality gone? Archie Manning's kids are now playing in the NFL; can't we find a new way to show our disgust with the home team?
Anyway, in this article at Yahoo, the author "compared the latest median household income figures from the Census Bureau to the Fan Cost Index for each team compiled by Team Marketing...Those ratios were then compared to team performance, with regular season won-lost records and playoff outcomes combined for all teams in a given city."
Got all that?
No? Me neither, although their fancy formula determined that the city of Miami is currently the worst place to be a professional sports fan in America, so it must have something going for it. Undoubtedly Cam Cameron wouldn't argue with that assessment; not after going 1-15 in his only season as head coach of the Dolphins.
But, really, as sports fans, arent we all accustomed to failure? If you follow teams in any of the four so-called major professional sports - baseball, football, basketball and hockey - which is what Yahoo's writers considered in their analysis, then you can't really be completely happy with your team's season unless they won their league's championship, right? And you can throw college football and Nascar into the mix, too, since they have championships of their own.
The team almost universally considered to be the most successful ever, with the longest and most storied history, would be the New York Yankees of Major League Baseball. They've won an astonishing 26 world championships since 1900, nearly triple the number won by the next-most-successful team, the St. Louis Cardinals.
Impressive numbers, until you consider the fact that by winning 26 times in 108 years, they've lost 82 times! 26 championships in 108 years means they have been ultimately successful just 24% of the time, zero percent in the last eight years; no wonder Hank Steinbrenner seems so upset all the time.
You could argue with my choice of team to use as an example - the Montreal Canadiens of the NHL and the Boston Celtics of the NBA are also widely considered to be the most successful in their league's history - but the point is still the same: even these teams with such great traditions of winning championships have lost a lot more than they've won.
When you think about it, it's really a wonder we all don't wear bags on our heads. It's not easy being a sports fan.
__________
If youlove fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once famously said of pornography, "I can't really describe it, but I know it when I see it." The same thing could be said about beauty. Different things appeal to different people, but I believe it is also true that there are certain things that most, if not all, people will agree qualify as beautiful, even if you can't quite put your finger on why.
I think that is the case in the world of sports as well. Some things are so delicious that, as sports fans, they appeal to just about everyone. Here, then, is my Top Ten List of Beautiful Things in the World of Sports:
10) The sun barely over the trees and undisturbed dew on the fairway as you stand on the first tee – It seems like anything is possible when you are the first group to get out on the course. Then, of course, you hit your usual crappy drive and realize you still suck. But for just a few seconds, you might as well be Tiger Woods.
9) The look on your child’s face as he or she walks up the ramp and sees the massive expanse of emerald green when attending their first major league baseball game – I still remember walking into Fenway Park for the first time when I was maybe seven years old and being blown away by how green the field was and how good the players were. It was a long way from Little League.
8) A 1-2-3 double play to get a pitcher out of bases-loaded trouble – A ground ball to a middle infielder happens all the time, but the sharply hit ball right back to the mound is a rarity in a bases-loaded situation that represents the most frustrating result possible for a hitter, and one of the real momentum-killers for an offense.
7) A running back or wide receiver who makes a big play to get in the end zone and then simply hands the ball off to an official before heading back upfield – You can keep the phony mooning of the crowd or the Sharpie hijinks or the beating of the chest or the Lambeau Leaps. One of the greatest runners in the history of the NFL, Walter Payton, put it best: “Act like you’ve been there before.”
6) The pure, unrestrained joy of the Little League World Series champions – You can debate whether too much pressure is put on kids who are still years away from getting their driver’s licenses, but the reaction of the last team left standing in Williamsport every year is annually one of the things that will put a smile on the face of even the most dour personality.
5) Service Academy Football – Almost always staffed with players who were considered too slow or too small to play major college football, the United States service academies nevertheless compete with schools that are bigger and have more resources. Often they lose, sometimes badly, but that’s not really the point, is it? These schools are filled with kids (and not just the players) who represent the best this country has to offer; some of whom are going to graduate and immediately go off to a foreign land to die. Regardless of politics and your feelings on U.S. foreign policy, how can you not root for these guys?
4) A medium-deep fly ball to left field in the ninth inning with the tying run on third base and less than two outs – Everyone in both dugouts, the entire stadium, and at home watching on television knows what’s coming next: A runner anxiously crouching at third base, waiting for the ball to settle in the outfielder’s glove so he can take off for the plate, where either a close play or quite possibly a bone-jarring collision wait for him. Beautiful.
3) A twelve foot putt on the eighteenth green to win a match – Whether it’s the Masters on the line or a five dollar bet against your buddy, everything seems to slow down as the affected player tries to control his breathing and blot out distractions. Palms sweat and knees knock as what looks really easy is in fact really hard. It’s beautiful.
2) A goaltender moving thirty feet out of his crease to stone a shooter on a breakaway – Maybe I’m partial to this one because I was a goalie, but who doesn’t hold their breath on a breakaway in a hockey game, whether you’re rooting for the team on offense or defense? A breakaway by a player on skates moving about thirty miles an hour is one of the most breathtaking moments in sports, and when it ends in a great save – beautiful.
1) A career minor leaguer getting his first big league hit in a meaningless September game – Isn’t there a little Crash Davis in all of us? Don’t you just love it when a guy who has toiled in minor league obscurity for upwards of a decade in some cases stands at the plate and drives the ball to the opposite field for a single against an established major league pitcher? Even if he never gets another hit, he will have a baseball on his mantle that he can show to his children and grandchildren, and tell the story of how, at least for one day, he was as good as anyone. ________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
Not that it's necessarily a bad problem to have, but what do you do when you have conquered not just your own sport, but the entire sporting world before your 24th birthday? In the history of the modern Olympic Games, dating back into the 1800's, no individual has ever hauled in as many gold medals in a single Olympic Games as Phelps has won in 2008.
Perhaps President of NBC would be a fair position to offer the kid, since the network has benefitted maybe the most off of his incredible run of success. Ratings were astronomical, as people tuned in to see if he would succumb to the mounting pressure of trying to make history. Guess we now know the answer to that question.
2) Why was everyone so surprised when it was discovered that the little girl singing at the Opening Ceremonies was lip-synching, and hadn't even recorded the song she was singing in the first place?
Anyone remember Milli Vanilli? This stuff crops up every now and then and people always act so shocked and outraged that anyone would try to pull something over on them. Get real.
And as far as the age of the Chinese female gymnasts is concerned, same thing. I have no idea whether they are the appropriate age to qualify for the Olympics or not, but is there anyone out there who really believes the Chinese government would be above pulling a fast one to get the most out of their shining moment in the world's spotlight? Again, get real. Happens all the time.
3) This isn't really sports related, but did I miss the memo that went out regarding weather forecasters?
Why did all the weather geeks suddenly decide that it's not "thunderstorms" any more, but rather just "storms?" Watch any forecast, local or national, and they all say the same thing - "Developing clouds this afternoon, with a chance of storms as the evening progresses."
Aren't they supposed to be as specific as possible? Shouldn't they say "thunderstorms" if that's what they mean? Isn't there more than one type of storm? Maybe it will be a hailstorm or just a rainstorm, but no, when they refer to thunderstorms, they all just say "storms."
I don't like it. It bugs me. Except for Hannah Storm. There's no need to refer to her as Hannah Thunderstorm, but she's the only exception that should be tolerated in my book.
4) Did Joe Torre think he left the zoo behind when he left New York?
When Manny Ramirez got out to L.A. and vowed to cut his hair, was the half-inch or so that got taken off really what Torre had in mind?
Seeing Manny be Manny must be like getting a rusty nail in the eye for Torre, a baseball lifer who played in the days when management and ownership had all the rights and players had none, to deal with a guy like Ramirez, who is tolerated because of his tremendous talent but who seems to have no ability to see the world through anyone else's eyes. I suppose having $200 million will do that to a guy, but still.
5) How long will it be before Brett Favre begins getting skewered by the press and the fans in New York?
Two games? Five? Half a season?
Favre has always been an all-or-nothing quarterback, which has simultaneously been both his blessing and his curse. As long as he consistently delivers "alls," he will be hailed as a conquering hero in football's toughest market. As soon as a few "nothings" get tossed in there, though, watch out. If he's able to protect the ball like he did in the first half of last season in Green Bay, Favre has nothing to worry about. That's never been his history, though, so look for fireworks as the season progresses.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
A little more proof, just in case you needed any, that a lot of people in this world just aren't that freakin' smart:
According to the AP, Herbert Alex Simpson, 30, of Philadelphia, had a grudge against two female ex-coworkers, so he did what anyone would do in that situation - he wrote threatening letters to New York Giants football coach Tom Coughlin, pretending to be those two women, and threatening Coughlin with "a living hell" if he didn't pay $20,000 to $30,000 to keep phony sexual trysts with them quiet.
I know exactly what you're thinking. This story stinks on so many levels it's not even funny, although it really is kind of funny. Even Mrs. Coughlin didn't believe that ol' Tom would have what it takes to get two other women into bed; not even ones that don't know him.
When you think of smooth-talking ladykiller types, the intense and focused Coughlin isn't exactly the guy who springs to mind. Unless the young ladies were flaunting Washington Redskins playbooks, Tom Coughlin probably would never even have noticed them in the first place.
And how, exactly, did Herbert Alex Simpson, who clearly needs to work on his reasoning skills, think his big plan was going to hurt the two women he had such a problem with? Coughlin gets the letters and goes immediately to the authorities, who have seen interviews with Coughlin and thus have no problem believing he didn't sleep with the two women. The authorities then go to the women, they say "Never seen the letters before and never slept with Coughlin" and prove it (at least the first part) by giving samples of their handwriting, and they go on with their Coughlin-less lives.
Meanwhile, the authorities ask the obvious followup question, "Who do you think might do such a thing?" and, surprisingly, both women immediately think of, you guessed it, Herbert Alex Simpson. Sheesh. Homer Simpson looks like a Mensa candidate compared to this guy.
So now, in addition to pissing off Tom Coughlin and barely inconveniencing the two women he was angry with in the first place, Herbert Alex Simpson becomes a national laughingstock. His response? He claims he "never thought the coach would get them and he never intended to harm his family."
And, really, why would he think the coach would get them? Writing the man's home address on the envelope and sticking proper postage on it hardly ever results in a letter ending up where it was sent.
Poor Hebert Alex Simpson. He is now facing a sentence of up to two years in prison and potentially a $250,000 fine. Just a wild guess here, but I'll bet Herbert Alex doesn't have that kind of money. Luckily for him, there are still 31 other NFL head coaches just waiting to be suckered like Coughlin. No doubt he is busily writing up the letters even as we speak.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
It has become standard practice for athletes of all incomes and all ability levels in all professional sports to endear themselves to the local fan base by exclaiming loudly and to anyone who will listen how much they are looking forward to finishing their career in that city.
Usually midway through the introductory press conference, the athlete in question vows, in between posing for the obligatory photos shaking the hands of the team's ownership and management (also known as the very same people he will be fighting tooth and nail against to get more money from come contract time) and holding up his new home jersey with his name on the back, that this is where he has wanted to play his entire career and he is looking forward to retiring from this lucky city.
The players inevitably say these words with the utmost sincerity, counting on the suckers...uh, excuse me...fans...yeah, that's it, fans...to eat it up like Rosie O'Donnell at the dessert table, which they inevitably do.
But Manny Ramirez has set a new standard for baboozling home-town fans, a mark which may never be broken. After stating in early summer that he fully expected to remain a Boston Red Sox until retirement, he orchestrated a trade out of town by performing in-game job actions that were so blatantly obvious they have inspired an investigation from the league office.
But wait, there's more! After donning mirrored sunglasses and wowing fans in L.A. by stating, within 24 hours of arriving in town, "I think that I'll play here for the remainder of my career," sources now say that what the man for whom the term "enigmatic" was originally coined meant to say was that he wants to sign a free agent contract this winter to loaf...uh, excuse me...play...yeah, that's it, play, for the New York Yankees until his retirement from the game.
Anyone can change his mind, of course, and it was a whole five days between Manny's oath of devotion to L.A. and the revelation of the latest city he's developed a crush on, but ultimately, it probably doesn't much matter, anyway. The guy will hit wherever he is, and chances are he's not going to be too sure where that is, anyway.
Besides, if the flirtation with New York doesn't work out, there are still over two dozen cities he can swear he wants to finish his career in, and that doesn't even include Green Bay, where Manny may or may not have volunteered to play quarterback. He's just hitting his stride!
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
You know you're stuck in the dog days of summer when it seems like all the sports stories are the same ones, recycled over and over. The promise of spring is gone for a lot of Major League baseball teams as they drop out of pennant races, the real college and NFL football games are still weeks away, and even though the Olympic Games are happening this year, there doesn't seem to be much sizzle.
So here, in no particular order, are the sports stories that would be banned immediately if I were King of the World:
1) Brett Favre - As great a player as Brett Favre was, and as poorly as his annual retirement sagas were handled (especially this year's), and whether he leads the NFL in passer rating and wins a Super Bowl with the Jets this year or whether he stinks worse than two week old tuna, can't we just let the whole thing go? I bet even Obama and McCain can agree on this one. Please, sports people everywhere, for the love of God, I'm begging you, just let the Favre thing go!
2) Manny Ramirez - Now the big story is that Bud Selig has asked a representative to look into how the whole Manny trade from Boston to Los Angeles was handled. Yay. What's he planning on doing if he doesn't like how it was handled? Declare the whole thing a tie? Let it go for crying out loud! Manny will hit like gangbusters and play hard until he decides not to and that's that. What you see is what you get with him. Always has been and always will be. Let's move on.
3) Redeem Team - Not to be cynical here, but sitting on the edge of my seat, trying to see if a bunch of multi-millionaires can beat another bunch of multi-millionaires to win a gold medal in what used to be the ultimate amateur competition just doesn't really do it for me. The outstanding United States Olympic Basketball Team will either win it all or they won't. What does redeeming have to do with anything?
4) Olympic athletes testing positive for banned substances - I guess I am getting cynical in my old age, but over the next three weeks or so we will see a few stories of courage and inspiration, a few genuinely interesting and exciting matchups in sports most of us only pay attention to every four years, and more than a few medal-winning athletes testing positive for banned substances and being stripped of their medals. They will immediately have the obligatory stunned and outraged reaction, proclaim their innocence, insist - through their high-profile attornies - that they have no idea how the substance got into their system and will fight these scurrilous charges until their dying breath, and then six months to a year down the line will give their medals back and serve their suspensions. Happens every four years. I can't wait.
Okay, I'm done now. Sorry for the interruption. I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to the Jets website to read up on the latest Favre stuff.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
According to a story published August 6 by the Associated Press, United States Olympic champion swimmer Amanda Beard was forced to "launch her naked, anti-fur campaign poster outside the Athletes Village after Chinese authorities cancelled a planned unveiling."
According to PETA spokesman Jason Baker, "Amanda didn't want her voice to be silenced, so we went ahead and arranged something else."
I've never been accused of being the brightest guy in the room, even when I'm in the room by myself, but am I wrong when I assume that it's not Amanda Beard's voice the Chinese are worried about?
Anyway, the point of Ms Beard's little stunt, which is exactly what it was, undoubtedly is to draw as much publicity to her cause as possible. In that, the Chinese cooperated quite nicely. If they had simply ignored her, she would have "unveiled" her poster, everyone would have ogled it appropriately, or perhaps inappropriately as the case may be, and everyone would then have gone about their business after cluck-clucking about the horrible state of affairs in the fur industry.
Now, however, the fact that her dog and pony show got cancelled, or at least rescheduled, the whole affair becomes worldwide news, giving everyone the chance to: A) Google the naked poster of Amanda Beard, because, really, how can you discuss a news event you aren't intimately familiar with, and B) Discuss, around the water cooler, the issue of the cruelty or non-cruelty of using real fur as an adornment on your jacket.
Personally, I don't have an opinion either way, but I foresee a frightening trend developing. What happens when Brett Favre sees all the attention Amanda Beard is receiving for her naked poster and decides to unveil one of his own, wearing only his Green Bay Packers helmet, in order to force a trade? Or even worse, he poses in only one of those furry Viking hats with the horns sticking out the side? There's the whole thorny fur issue popping up again.
Then, to carry the ugly scenario one step further, Mike McCarthy sees Favre's tactics and immediately determines to fight fire with heartburn and release his own naked poster? I think you can see where I'm going with this, and I'm not sure it's a road anyone wants to travel.
So, thanks a lot Amanda Beard. As much as I'm in favor of you posing naked, whenever and wherever you wish, and pushing whatever cause you choose with your nakedness, you've opened up a can of worms; you've released a genie from the bottle that might never get put back in.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to examining that poster.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
- Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers receiver, after slugging cornerback Ken Lucas in the face during practice Friday: "I'm completely wrong. It was an asinine decision."
What I Meant to Say: "What was I thinking? I'm a receiver and I hit Lucas with my hand? Thank God I only broke his nose and not my knuckles or something; where would I be then? I'll tell you this, I'm going to be a lot more careful next time. Talk about your asinine decisions. Sheesh!" _____
- Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers starting quarterback (maybe), on the news that Brett Favre had been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and would be reporting to camp: "I know if they do open it up to a competition, not a lot of people give me a chance..."
What I Meant to Say: "Why won't this guy quit already? What did I ever do to deserve this? He's hanging around longer than Andy Rooney, for crying out loud! We need to trade for Steve Smith." _____
Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins head coach, talking about who is Number One on the depth chart at the quarterback position on his team: "That depth chart in your hands right now won't be the same this afternoon, never mind tomorrow, so it's going to change every single day."
What I Meant to Say: "That depth chart will change every day, or until we can convince Dan Marino to take a page out of Brett Favre's playbook." _____
Ned Yost, Milwaukee Brewers manager, on the dugout confrontation between Manny Parra and Prince Fielder during their game against the Reds Monday night: "If you want to know what happened...you're not going to know. It's private, it's between us, and it's not a big deal...It makes teams better."
What I Meant to Say: "At least I sure hope it make teams better, because we can't get much worse right now." _____
Jason Giambi, New York Yankees slugger, after shaving his mustache following the Yankees come-from-behind win Sunday: "In about a week, it will be back. It goes hand in hand with winning."
What I Meant to Say: "If they'd let me grow my hair out like I did in Oakland, I guarantee we'd win it all. It has nothing to do with talent; it's all about the hair." __________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
Mr. Mark Murphy, President Green Bay Packers Football Club 1265 Lombardi Avenue Green Bay, WI 54304
July 31, 2008
Dear Mr. Murphy,
It has come to my attention that the Packers recently offered Brett Favre $20 million over the next ten years to stay retired and that Mr. Favre is reluctant to accept that offer.
If that is indeed the case, please consider the following alternative scenario: I am willing to accept a much smaller inducement, say, $10 million over the next ten years, to not play for the Packers instead.
Although it is true I have never played as much as a single down in the NFL for the Green Bay Packers or any other team; in fact I never even played high school football, being skinny as a rail and chicken to boot, but if you are willing to pay someone not to play, I have every confidence I could be just as successful as Mr. Favre at not playing, and save the Packers organization $10 million at the same time.
Clearly, my proposal would be a win/win for everyone. With the $10 million the organization will save by paying me rather than Brett Favre to stay retired, you could perhaps interest someone else in not playing football as well - say, Rocket Ismael, to name one possibility.
Far be it from me, though, to tell you what to do with the $10 million you will be saving. Ovbviously, that is the Green Bay Packers' money and thus yours to do with as you will. Just to be clear, however, allow me to spell out what your $10 million will be getting you. For $10 million:
1) I promise not to show up at Packers training camp and cause a distraction to the team.
2) I promise not to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.
3) I promise not to loom over Aaron Rodgers like the sure-fire Hall of Famer I am not, putting unnecessary pressure on the kid.
4) I promise not to speak negatively about the Green Bay Packers organization - ever! - and in fact will decorate my entire property with Green Bay paraphernalia, even though I'm a New England Patriots fan.
5) I promise not to hold a tearful "Still Retired" press conference.
6) I promise....well....I can't really think of anything else to promise, but for $10 million, you can tell me what else you want me to promise and I promise I'll promise whatever you want.
Mr. Murphy, I realize my offer is a little unusual, but your organization has shown a willingness to think outside the box with the offer to Brett Favre, so if you give it a little thought, I am confident you will agree this is the way to go.
I think it only fair to warn you, however, that it is imperative you not wait too long to come to a decision - I have several irons in the fire, and could easily be persuaded to stay retired by another NFL team. Thank you for your willingness to listen, and Go Pack!
Sincerely, HalfBaked
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.
In the annals of people who are funny without intending to be - think George W. Bush - Brett Favre is a certain first-ballot Hall of Famer. I mean, really, can't you see Frank Caliendo donning fake whiskers and adopting a grizzled countenance, going, "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out." Can't you just picture it?
Favre must be a barrel of laughs during Happy Hour - "I'll have a vodka and tonic. No, wait, make it a bourbon on the rocks. Hold on, hold on, I changed my mind. Give me a beer. Uh, never mind, you know what? I'm good. Just bring some more of those Buffalo wings!" By the time he's done ordering, Happy Hour is over and drink prices have tripled.
The latest kink in the tale of Favre's almost pathological refusal to reach a decision and stick with it came Sunday, when he revealed that he had agreed to a request from Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson that he sit out "a couple of days" in order to give the team a little breathing room in their attempts to reach some sort of accomodation with the former league MVP in his (maybe) quest to (possibly) play again. Or maybe not. It's so hard to decide.
The thing that makes this latest development so funny - unless, of course, you're a fan of either, A) The Green Bay Packers or, B) Sanity - is the quote attributed to Favre in his interview with Sports Illustrated. He said, and this is an actual quote, as hard as that may be to believe, "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers."
That's a little like Madonna saying, "Well, I haven't slept with everyone." They both presumably mean what they're saying, but the significance of the statement is dwarfed by the past behavior.
The Favre retirement saga is now officially the longest-running comedy skit in history, last week surpassing Saturday Night Live in length of engagement as well as tiredness of the act. But the sad part of the whole messy affair is that the man who is arguably one of the top five quarterbacks ever in NFL history is going to be remembered for a long, long time as a carnival sideshow, a sad joke who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
He has become 42 year old Willie Mays, stumbling over third base in a Mets uniform, unable to recognize that it's time to saddle up and ride out of town.
Eventually, say maybe when Favre reaches Frank Gifford's age, perhaps people will think of the Super Bowl winning quarterback or the three straight NFL MVP awards or the nine Pro Bowl selections when his name comes up in conversation, rather than the guy who became a national sports punch line; a man who couldn't make a simple decision.
It will certainly take a while, but for his sake, hopefully it will happen.
__________
If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
Have you ever noticed the sporting world has a language all its own? Someone who doesn't follow sports can sit down in front of, say, ESPN SportsCenter or any similar forum, listen attentively for an hour and have no clue what the people on the show are discussing, even if they speak perfect English. Or Spanish, if they happen to be watching ESPN Deportes.
Nowhere is this more evident than when you listen to management types in the world of sports discussing their teams. They seem to specialize in telling the media things without really telling them anything, with bonus points added in for length of statement. The longer the nonsensical statement, the more points awarded.
For example, take the Brett Favre/Green Bay Packers situation. Management types all over the NFL have shifted into Obfuscation Overdrive, running up incredible point totals; totals that would bring a pinball machine to its knees, with statements like the following from New York Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini.
When asked if he had discussed the possibility of obtaining Favre with GM Mike Tannenbaum, Mangini replied, "I feel the same way as I felt yesterday and nothing's changed. With any conversations me and Mike have, Mike likes to talk about a lot of different scenarios and he enjoys a good chart, he enjoys a good graph and he enjoys a lot of scenarios. That's what he does, and that's what he's supposed to do. So, just normal discussions that we always have."
And that's so true with all of us, isn't it? Who among us doesn't enjoy a good chart and graph every now and then?
Or, how about this beauty from New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, discussing the hiring of defensive backs coach Dom Capers: "He's been in a number of 3-4 systems. The Pittsburgh system. Nick (Saban's) system in Miami. The one he ran in Houston. He adds a lot of quality experience. I'm not sure exactly all the ways we'll use him, but we'll figure those out.''
Uh, coach, you do realize he's not going to, you know, actually play, right? My guess is Belichick saw the quote from his former disciple Mangini in New York and decided to show off; to let the kid know that the old Master still has a few moves left.
So there you have it - The art of saying something without actually saying anything. It's not just a Jedi mind-trick, and it's not just for politicians anymore, either; although with this being a presidential election year, you can be sure this is only the beginning.
__________
If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
From the Associated Press and Yahoo! comes this breaking news report out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I swear it's true because, as you no doubt well know, I'm not bright enough to make this stuff up. Check out the highlights of the report, then we'll delve further into the issue.
"Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that's been plaguing them for two years sounds like...a subtle vibration that won't quit. It's enough to keep 76 year old Leona from sleeping. Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating. 'It doesn't matter if the windows are open or closed - you still hear it,' he said. 'It's worse in the winter.' Alderman Andy Nicholson knows exactly what's bugging the Ehrfurths. 'Yeah, I've experienced it,' Nicholson said...'I think it would be an annoyance'."
Half-Baked Ravings investigated further, speaking with long-time Green Bay, Wisconsin resident Ted Thompson, who told us he had also experienced the incessant, annoying noise pollution the Ehrfurths referred to in the AP report. "Yeah," he noted. "I've heard it over the last couple of years myself. Over and over, and, as with the Ehrfurths, it doesn't matter whether the windows are open or closed. It almost sounds like voices, you know? 'I'm retiring, I'm not retiring, I want to move to Minnesota.' Weird."
Further investigation reveals many other Winconsinites have also noticed the noises, but have remained silent for fear of being labeled weirdos or kooks or worse. Part-year Green Bay resident Aaron Rodgers tells Half-Baked Ravings that the voices haunt him day and night. 'It's more than just voices with me,' he told our correspondent. 'It's almost as if I'm hearing footsteps coming up behind me. It's gotten to the point where I hear it day and night; the voices never seem to end, haunting my every waking moment and most of my dreams!'
Only time will tell whether the strange, unexplained sounds will eventually cease. In the meantime, Green Bay residents are urged to outfit themselves with ear plugs or those heavy, fur-lined winter ear muffs many wear to Green Bay Packer games in the winter in an effort to insulate themselves from the barrage of nonsensical noise.
Good luck, and Godspeed.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website -www.allanleverone.com.
Poor Lovie Smith. The Chicago Bears training camp is starting tomorrow and, according to a report published Tuesday by the Associated Press, the Bears head coach says the battle for the starting quarterback's job between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is "dead even."
If you're a Bears fan, the emphasis on that particular quote is undoubtedly on the word "dead." Having a quarterback controversy between those two guys is a little bit like trying to decide whether you would rather be trapped without hope of rescue in a burning building or on a sinking ship.
Speaking of sinking ships, is there anyone who really thinks a record of better than, oh, say 8-8 is too terribly likely no matter who wins the "competition?" Unless the Monsters of the Midway bring back most of the defense from the 1985 World Champions, the guys on the other side of the ball will probably not have enough firepower to overcome the offensive stagnation that's going to take place on so many Sunday afternoons, Brian Urlacher's $18 million contract extension notwithstanding.
And let's not bring up two years ago, either. Sure, Sexy Rexy led Da Bears to a Super Bowl appearance, but expecting that to happen again, given Grossman's history of maddening inconsistency and Orton's limited experience and lackluster numbers when he has gotten to play, seems like a stretch even the most optimistic Bears fanatic might not be capable of managing.
The bright side, of course, is that anyone concerned about the quarterback battle has been waiting months for football to start up again, so at least you have something to talk about. And what the heck, right now everyone's tied for first, so enjoy it while you can.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.
A few thoughts and observations as I watch the Celtics march, workmanlike, toward their 56th win of the season, the best for the franchise since 1991.
- North Carolina is quite simply the best college basketball team in the country. Hopefully they have enough room in the trophy case at the Dean Smith Center for the 2008 National Championship trophy, because that's where it's headed. The Tar Heels have it all: size, speed, outside shooting, rebounding. They can push the ball up the floor or sink three-pointers, depending on what the defense gives them.
No disprespect intended to Memphis, UCLA, Kansas or any other team still alive, but but based on last weekend's action, it's hard to imagine anyone beating UNC until next winter.
- How can you not be excited for the Davidson College Widcats? After coming back from a 17-point deficit in their opening round game against Gonzaga to win going away, 82-76, they made it to the Sweet Sixteen with another big comeback victory over Georgetown, 74-70. And "Cat" is a perfect description for the dynamic and lightning-quick Stephen Curry, the Sporting News second-team All-American who has scored 70 points in Davidson's first two tournament wins, 55 of them in the second half of those games.
Prior to last weekend, Davidson College's last NCAA Tournament win was way back in 1969, and their improbable run continues Friday night against Wisconsin in a game that's looking a lot less like a three seed against a ten seed and a lot more like an upset special.
- Who slips on a fast-food wrapper? Did you see the story about Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who supposedly did exactly that, putting his arm through an entertainment center in an attempt to brace himself, and suffering an injury requiring stitches? Not exactly a smooth move, and a situation that makes you wonder if maybe there's not more to the story than what is being told here. Hmmm.
- Big surprise: Chad Johnson is skipping the Cincinnati Bengals offseason workout. Is there anyone in the world who expected Johnson to be there? He has made it perfectly clear for months how unhappy he is in Cincinnati and if there's one thing Johnson is not, it's subtle.
For their part, the Bengals organization is downplaying the absence, pointing out that the workouts are voluntary and that T.J. Houshmandzadeh isn't there either. The Bengals continue to insist they won't be trading Johnson. We haven't heard the end of this story, unfortunately.
-It's finally Opening Day! Whether you're a fan of the Red Sox or A's, or can't stand either team, if you love baseball, this is the day you've waited for all winter. There's plenty of other action to keep a sports fan's interest over the long winter months, but for a baseball fan this is the day you marked on your calendar months ago. It's about time!
Big news today, at least for us Catholics - The Vatican has released a list of updated sins appropriate for the modern era. I must say that this seems more than a little unfair. After all, avoiding the previous Seven Deadly Sins was hard enough, but to now add another seven to the list - doubling it - well, let's just say it's going to get mighty lonely up there in heaven if we're not careful.
And how is it fair that my forefathers only had to avoid the traditional Seven if they wanted to get their tickets punched to the eternal reward in the sky and now I have all these other ones to worry about, too?
In any event, the part of this Vatican story that didn't get a lot of press was the fact that the Pope, recognizing what an important part sports plays in modern society, has thoughtfully issued an additional five "Sports Commandments" as an addendum to the original Ten we all already know so well.
Interestingly, in an attempt to show the church can keep up with the modern world, these Sports Commandments have been issued in a countdown format, much like Sportscenter's Top Plays. Since I know how busy most people are and that you may not have had a chance to review these Commandments yet in their entirety, here they are for your perusal:
Top Five Sports Commandments
5) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's head coach. Not sure why they would stick with the "thous" and "shalts" if they're trying to modernize, but, hey, who am I to criticize? Anyway, this one sounds fairly straightforward, but it seems a lot of college and professional teams might already be in big trouble, and we're only at Number Five. No one said it would be easy.
4) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighboring team. This is getting a little stickier. Number Five was straightforward, why cloak Number Four in such mystery? I think this one maybe relates to that little videotaping issue the Patriots are facing. Goodell said he was going to get tough, but this is ridiculous. Who knew he had such influence with the Man Upstairs?
3) Thou shalt not steal signs. Hmm. Seems to be a trend developing here. If Matt Walsh is named specifically in any of these, I fear for Coach Belichick's eternal soul. There seems to be a baseball application here also. Who among us hasn't tried to figure out all those gyrations the guy with the helmet in the third base coaches box is doing? And batters trying to sneak a glance back at the catcher's signs while waiting for the pitch? Forget it. Never again, baby.
2) Thou shalt watch sports in HD. Now we're getting somewhere! If you are having a little trouble convincing the wife to spend $2000 or more that you don't have on a new big-screen HDTV, this might be just the thing to turn the tide in your favor. Nobody wants to be turned away at the pearly gates because they tried to watch LSU win the National Championship on a twelve inch black and white with broken rabbit ears. Surround sound seems to be optional, since it's not specifically mentioned.
1) Honor thy father and mother. Also Charlie Weis. I guess this answers the question about how long the big guy will have his job. Weis, that is, not God. We already knew God has His job for life and so now, apparently, does Charlie. It seems the "Pope for life" gig has worked out so well, that they're willing to try the same thing with the Notre Dame football head coaching job.
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
