Mr. Mark Murphy, President Green Bay Packers Football Club 1265 Lombardi Avenue Green Bay, WI 54304
July 31, 2008
Dear Mr. Murphy,
It has come to my attention that the Packers recently offered Brett Favre $20 million over the next ten years to stay retired and that Mr. Favre is reluctant to accept that offer.
If that is indeed the case, please consider the following alternative scenario: I am willing to accept a much smaller inducement, say, $10 million over the next ten years, to not play for the Packers instead.
Although it is true I have never played as much as a single down in the NFL for the Green Bay Packers or any other team; in fact I never even played high school football, being skinny as a rail and chicken to boot, but if you are willing to pay someone not to play, I have every confidence I could be just as successful as Mr. Favre at not playing, and save the Packers organization $10 million at the same time.
Clearly, my proposal would be a win/win for everyone. With the $10 million the organization will save by paying me rather than Brett Favre to stay retired, you could perhaps interest someone else in not playing football as well - say, Rocket Ismael, to name one possibility.
Far be it from me, though, to tell you what to do with the $10 million you will be saving. Ovbviously, that is the Green Bay Packers' money and thus yours to do with as you will. Just to be clear, however, allow me to spell out what your $10 million will be getting you. For $10 million:
1) I promise not to show up at Packers training camp and cause a distraction to the team.
2) I promise not to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.
3) I promise not to loom over Aaron Rodgers like the sure-fire Hall of Famer I am not, putting unnecessary pressure on the kid.
4) I promise not to speak negatively about the Green Bay Packers organization - ever! - and in fact will decorate my entire property with Green Bay paraphernalia, even though I'm a New England Patriots fan.
5) I promise not to hold a tearful "Still Retired" press conference.
6) I promise....well....I can't really think of anything else to promise, but for $10 million, you can tell me what else you want me to promise and I promise I'll promise whatever you want.
Mr. Murphy, I realize my offer is a little unusual, but your organization has shown a willingness to think outside the box with the offer to Brett Favre, so if you give it a little thought, I am confident you will agree this is the way to go.
I think it only fair to warn you, however, that it is imperative you not wait too long to come to a decision - I have several irons in the fire, and could easily be persuaded to stay retired by another NFL team. Thank you for your willingness to listen, and Go Pack!
Sincerely, HalfBaked
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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.
In the annals of people who are funny without intending to be - think George W. Bush - Brett Favre is a certain first-ballot Hall of Famer. I mean, really, can't you see Frank Caliendo donning fake whiskers and adopting a grizzled countenance, going, "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out." Can't you just picture it?
Favre must be a barrel of laughs during Happy Hour - "I'll have a vodka and tonic. No, wait, make it a bourbon on the rocks. Hold on, hold on, I changed my mind. Give me a beer. Uh, never mind, you know what? I'm good. Just bring some more of those Buffalo wings!" By the time he's done ordering, Happy Hour is over and drink prices have tripled.
The latest kink in the tale of Favre's almost pathological refusal to reach a decision and stick with it came Sunday, when he revealed that he had agreed to a request from Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson that he sit out "a couple of days" in order to give the team a little breathing room in their attempts to reach some sort of accomodation with the former league MVP in his (maybe) quest to (possibly) play again. Or maybe not. It's so hard to decide.
The thing that makes this latest development so funny - unless, of course, you're a fan of either, A) The Green Bay Packers or, B) Sanity - is the quote attributed to Favre in his interview with Sports Illustrated. He said, and this is an actual quote, as hard as that may be to believe, "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers."
That's a little like Madonna saying, "Well, I haven't slept with everyone." They both presumably mean what they're saying, but the significance of the statement is dwarfed by the past behavior.
The Favre retirement saga is now officially the longest-running comedy skit in history, last week surpassing Saturday Night Live in length of engagement as well as tiredness of the act. But the sad part of the whole messy affair is that the man who is arguably one of the top five quarterbacks ever in NFL history is going to be remembered for a long, long time as a carnival sideshow, a sad joke who couldn't see the forest for the trees.
He has become 42 year old Willie Mays, stumbling over third base in a Mets uniform, unable to recognize that it's time to saddle up and ride out of town.
Eventually, say maybe when Favre reaches Frank Gifford's age, perhaps people will think of the Super Bowl winning quarterback or the three straight NFL MVP awards or the nine Pro Bowl selections when his name comes up in conversation, rather than the guy who became a national sports punch line; a man who couldn't make a simple decision.
It will certainly take a while, but for his sake, hopefully it will happen.
__________
If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
From the Associated Press and Yahoo! comes this breaking news report out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I swear it's true because, as you no doubt well know, I'm not bright enough to make this stuff up. Check out the highlights of the report, then we'll delve further into the issue.
"Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that's been plaguing them for two years sounds like...a subtle vibration that won't quit. It's enough to keep 76 year old Leona from sleeping. Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating. 'It doesn't matter if the windows are open or closed - you still hear it,' he said. 'It's worse in the winter.' Alderman Andy Nicholson knows exactly what's bugging the Ehrfurths. 'Yeah, I've experienced it,' Nicholson said...'I think it would be an annoyance'."
Half-Baked Ravings investigated further, speaking with long-time Green Bay, Wisconsin resident Ted Thompson, who told us he had also experienced the incessant, annoying noise pollution the Ehrfurths referred to in the AP report. "Yeah," he noted. "I've heard it over the last couple of years myself. Over and over, and, as with the Ehrfurths, it doesn't matter whether the windows are open or closed. It almost sounds like voices, you know? 'I'm retiring, I'm not retiring, I want to move to Minnesota.' Weird."
Further investigation reveals many other Winconsinites have also noticed the noises, but have remained silent for fear of being labeled weirdos or kooks or worse. Part-year Green Bay resident Aaron Rodgers tells Half-Baked Ravings that the voices haunt him day and night. 'It's more than just voices with me,' he told our correspondent. 'It's almost as if I'm hearing footsteps coming up behind me. It's gotten to the point where I hear it day and night; the voices never seem to end, haunting my every waking moment and most of my dreams!'
Only time will tell whether the strange, unexplained sounds will eventually cease. In the meantime, Green Bay residents are urged to outfit themselves with ear plugs or those heavy, fur-lined winter ear muffs many wear to Green Bay Packer games in the winter in an effort to insulate themselves from the barrage of nonsensical noise.
Good luck, and Godspeed.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website -www.allanleverone.com.
As we wait breathlessly for the historic battle between New England and the Giants, with a never-before-accomplished 16-0 record on the line, it's time to look back at the ten best nicknames given to NFL teams over the years.
This is a highly scientific list based on several important factors, including: Historical significance, creativity, how much the names appealed to me, and how much each contributed to world peace. Okay, I made that last one up. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
I then entered each nickname into a supercomputer which crunched all the variables using an algorithm developed jointly by NASA scientists and the guys who live in the basements of their parents' homes and determine the BCS standings. I can't go into any more detail than that; in fact, I fear I may have said too much already.
Interestingly, seven of the top ten nicknames refer specifically to outstanding defensive units, showing the importance attached to a strong defense in NFL circles.
In any event, the top-secret supercomputer spit out the following. Without further ado, allow me to present the Top Ten NFL Team Nicknames Ever:
10) Greatest Show on Turf
This nickname was given to the explosive offense developed by Mike Martz and executed by the St. Louis Rams between 1999 and 2001. The 2000 Rams set NFL records both for total offensive yards and for passing yards, and the Rams reached the Super Bowl twice in that three year span, winning once and losing once in the biggest Super Bowl upset since the Jets won Super Bowl II.
9) Electric Company
This was the nickname bestowed on the Buffalo Bills offensive line of the 1970's, the group which opened holes for "The Juice," as O.J. Simpson was known at the time. Before getting away with murder, Simpson had a tremendous rushing career in Buffalo, and his offensive line turned on The Juice, resulting in the ninth-best nickname ever.
8) Air Coryell
In the early 1980's, the San Diego Chargers defied conventional NFL wisdom, which said keeping the ball on the ground and controlling the clock was the way to win games. The Chargers used quarterback Dan Fouts's arm and passing skills to rack up yardage through the air. Coryell's philosophies would later go on to become the basis for Mike Martz's "Greatest Show on Turf" in the late 1990's and early 2000's.
7) New York Sack Exchange
This nickname was given the ferocious defense of the early-1980's New York Jets, led by defensive end Mark Gastineau, who set a then-NFL record for sacks in a season in 1984, with 22, and racked up 100.5 sacks in just the first 100 starts of his career.
6) Gang Green
The nickname given the Philadelphia Eagles defense of the late-1980's, coached by Defensive Coordinator Buddy Ryan. Reggie White, Jerome Brown, Seth Joiner, and Andre Waters led the defense. The nickname was later co-opted by the New York Jets.
5) Doomsday Defense
Two different Dallas Cowboy defensive units have earned this nickname. The 1972 Super Bowl VI-winning team was led by Herb Adderley, Bob Lilly and Mel Renfro. The 1978 Super Bowl XII-winning team was led by Randy White, Harvey Martin and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
4) Purple People Eaters
From the late-1960's through the late-1970's the Minnesota Vikings played in four Super Bowls, anchored by their defense, which featured defensive linemen Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen. Their motto? "Meet at the quarterback."
3) Orange Crush
The 1970's Denver Broncos featured this run-stopping defense, led by linebackers Randy Gradishar and Tom Jackson, as well as defensive linemen Lyle Alzado and Rubin Carter.
2) Steel Curtain
The nickname given the anchors of the four-time Super Bowl winning defense of the 1970's. Steel Curtain members included Mean Joe Greene, L.C. Greenwood, Ernie Homes. Dwight White, Jack Lambert, Jack Ham, Mel Blount and Andy Russell. This suffocating defense led the 1976 team to a Super Bowl win despite the loss of quarterback Tery Bradshaw partway through the season. The Steel Curtain boasted five shutouts that year, including three in a row.
1) Monsters of the Midway
Maybe the most descriptive, longest-running nickname in football. The early-1940's Chicago Bears, a team that dominated the NFL in those years, gave rise to this descriptive title, which was resurrected in the mid-1980's for another edition of a dominating Bears squad. Any NFL fan who hears the phrase "Monsters of the Midway" immediately pictures the distinctive Bears old-style uniforms and long tradition, including a 73-0 victory over Washington Redskins in the 1940 NFL Championship Game.
With the playoff picture beginning to take shape, it seemed a good time to take a look at some of the teams who will be in the "tournament," as Bill Parcells used to call it, fighting for a shot at a Super Bowl title.
Conventional wisdom seems to be that the Patriots will represent the AFC and either the Cowboys or possibly Green Bay will be the NFC team to make the trip to Glendale. But is that opinion based solely on won-lost records? The Pats have the best record in the AFC and the Cowboys have the best in the NFC, followed by the Packers.
But wins and losses can only tell you so much. If you're piling up wins against bad teams while struggling against good ones, that would seem to indicate a good possibility for an early exit from the playoffs. On the other hand,if you play a tough schedule against a lot of good teams, doesn't that seem to indicate a readiness to face the rigors of the playoffs, where by definition only the best teams participate?
To separate the wheat from the chaff, I broke down the schedules of each team that would be in the playoffs if they were to start this weekend. Obviously, things could change in the next three weeks, but I wanted to start now because, frankly, my curiosity got the best of me.
I looked at two factors for each team: strength of schedule, and record against quality opposition, which I defined as any opponent with a winning record to this point in the season - in other words, any opponent wth a 7-6 record or better. Some of the results are predictable, others are a little surprising.
Strength of Schedule - The combined record of all opponents for each team:
1 - San Diego Chargers - 91-78 (.539)
2 - Jacksonville Jaguars - 89-80 (.527)
3 - Indianapolis Colts - 88-81 (.521)
4 - Minnesota Vikings - 87-82 (.515)
5 - New Engand Patriots - 85-84 (.503)
6 - Dallas Cowboys - 84-85 (.497)
Green Bay Packers - 84-85 (.497)
8 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 83-86 (.491)
9 - New York Giants - 78-91 (.462)
10 - Pittsburgh Steelers - 77-92 (.456)
11 - Cleveland Browns - 75-94 (.444)
12 - Seattle Seahawks - 70-99 (.414)
If you look at strength of schedule, there appear to be three levels. The top four teams, San Diego, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and Minnesota, played a slate of teams with a combined record well over .500. The next four, New England, Dallas, Green Bay, and Tampa Bay, all played opponents whose records combined to be just about .500. The final four, the New York Giants, Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Seattle, have played a schedule considerably easier.
How will that affect a team's readiness for the playoffs? It would seem that a team with a relatively easy schedule should be able to build a winning record much easier, while a team with a difficult schedule has been battle-tested and logic would suggest should perform better in the playoffs.
But even within each team's schedule, there are very good opponents and very bad ones. The best indicator against future success against good teams, I believe, is how a team has performed over the course of the season against quality opponents. With that in mind, here is how each team has fared aganst quality opposition this season.
Record Against Quality Opponents:
1 - New England Patriots - 7-0 (1.000)
2 - Dallas Cowboys - 5-1 (.833)
3 - Green Bay Packers - 4-1 (.800)
Pittsburgh Steelers - 4-1 (.800)
5 - Indianapolis Colts - 5-2 (.714)
6 - Jacksonville Jaguars - 4-3 (.571)
7 - Minnesota Vikings - 3-4 (.429)
8 - San Diego Chargers - 2-4 (.333)
9 - Seattle Seahawks - 1-2 (.333)
10 - Cleveland Browns - 1-3 (.250)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 1-3 (.250)
12 - New York Giants - 0-4 (.000)
This set of numbers, I believe, tells a lot about some of the teams if you study it. Four teams, the Patriots, Colts, Jaguars, and Vikings, have played more than half their games thus far against quality opponents, telling me those teams may be more prepared for a playoff atmosphere than, say, the Seahawks, Browns, Bucs, or Giants, who have played four or less against quality opposition.
The teams in the bottom half of the above chart have built their records against largely inferior competition, leading me to believe each will suffer a quick exit, with the possible exception of the Vikings, who have played seven games against quality opposition, and who have been playing much better of late than they did early in the season.
Giants fans, in particular, should be terrified. The New York Football Giants have been perfect against the bad teams they have played, going 9-0, but they've also been Miami Dolphin perfect against quality opposition,going 0-4. There arent many sub-.500 teams in the playoffs, so look for an early exit for New York.
The biggest mystery teams to me are San Diego and Jacksonville. They are the two teams that have played the toughest overall schedule, but have both struggled against quality individual opponents, especially San Diego. How that will shake out in the playoffs is anyone's guess, but my opinion is it will probably add up to a relatively early exit for each.
There you go. Numbers can tell you whatever you want them to, I suppose,so what do they mean for your team? As a Patriots fan, I like what I see when I look at New England's numbers, but there are a hal####ozen teams with numbers that tell me they are legitimate threats to win it all. What do you think?
Recurring Migraines Will Keep Dolphins Fans Out - Miami Dolphins middle linebacker Zach Thomas will miss the team's upcoming loss to Buffalo Sunday due to recurring migraines. After suffering whiplash in a car accident driving home from a game October 21, Thomas has been plagued by migraines similar to the ones which have crippled Dolphin fans everywhere.
"It's too painful to attend 'Fins games anymore," said an anonymous source close to the team. "After a while the beatings get so bad it's hard to see straight. Zach was in a car wreck? This whole season's been a car wreck! I'm going out right now to drive like a maniac; maybe I'll get in a car accident so I can miss the rest of the season too."
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Vikings Fine Wide Receiver for Attending Funeral - Minnesota wide receiver Troy Williamson has been advised by the team that he will be docked one day's pay for missing three practices last week as well as the Vikings game Sunday against San Diego. He was absent in order to attend the funeral of his grandmother.
Coach Brad Childress addressed the issue head-on, saying, "It's a business principle, organizationally. We can't have people running around willy-nilly attending funerals and such. What does he think this is, anyway, a party boat?"
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Ray of Hope in Tampa - New uniforms and a new name are the order of the day for the American League baseball franchise that will now be known as the Tampa Bay Rays. Principal owner of the club formerly known as the Devil Rays, Stuart Sternberg, said the team took more than 1000 name suggestions from fans and whittled the list down to eighty, before eventually ignoring them all and settling for the obvious choice.
Sternberg said the Rays, who have had a devil of a time competing in the American League East since entering the league ten years ago, were looking for a new start and decided the new name and new uniforms were the way to go. "It's a hell of a lot cheaper than actually going out and getting some real pitchers to support Scott Kazmir," said the owner.
Meanwhile, players, manager Joe Maddon and team advisor Don Zimmer modeled the new uniforms during a rally at a downtown park celebrating the changes. Reaction was mixed. As one reveler said, "Couldn't they have gotten real models, you know like Hooters girls or something? I came expecting to see babes in the new uniforms, and instead I have to watch Don Zimmer parading around? I mean, come on, I'm a Rays fan, haven't I suffered enough?"
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Davydenko Again Accused of Not Trying, This Time by Wife - The man who has twice faced accusations of intentionally tanking tennis matches within the last few weeks, today faces an even more serious charge. According to confidential documents acquired by Halfbaked Ravings, Irina Davydenko claims her husband is not the lover he used to be.
"Nikolay has taken this not trying thing too far. It's one thing to get money for throwing a tennis match, but I have needs, and I'm not going to stand for all this double-faulting in the bedroom, if you get my drift. I don't mean to complain, but would it kill him to hit it long for a change?"
Roy Halladay, Toronto Blue Jays pitcher, after outfielder Alex Rios accidentally knocked a fly ball over the outfield fence at Fenway Park for a Red Sox home run: "He's been a pretty good outfielder for us and, hopefully, he can put it behind him."
What I Meant to Say: "If you're going to just give someone a home run, at least make it interesting and hit it over with your head, like Jose Canseco did."
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Mike Vanderjagt, Dallas Cowboys kicker, after missing two field goals in overtime during the Cowboys 10-10 tie in their final preseason game against Minnesota: "I have no idea what happened. Not enough work I guess."
What I Meant to Say: "I have no idea what happened. Usually I don't miss field goals until something important's on the line."
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Carmelo Anthony, after the United States lost to Greece in the semifinals of the basketball world championships: "To lose any game is a shock to us."
What I Meant to Say: "This is bullsh*t. Don't those guys know who we are? I'm telling ya, they're just lucky we didn't hit them with our wallets."
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Rudy Carpenter, Arizona State quarterback, after the Sun Devils struggled before finally pulling away to beat Division IAA Northern Arizona: "NAU....was really confusing to us. We didn't know who to block, who to throw to."
What I Meant to Say: "What are we going to do when we play a real team, like Colorado in a couple of weeks? Man, we're screwed."
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Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys owner, on signing backup quarterback Tony Romo to a two-year contract extension: "I think it says a lot for Tony Romo relative to how we feel about him."
What I Meant to Say: "We know how slow Bledsoe moves in the pocket. He's liable to get killed back there, so we needed someone backing him up who knows our system."
Remember when you could open up the sports page and there was a pretty good chance the headlines you read would actually be about sports? Those days are long gone, and not just because people are abandoning the traditional print media in droves.
One of two things are happening in the world of sports. Either today's athletes are getting into more trouble than they used to, or their indiscretions are being more widely reported. I believe it's probably some of both.
Check out the following five headlines. What's wrong with this picture?
----------Steelers Holmes arrested for disorderly conduct. ----------NFL proposes two regular-season games outside U.S. ----------Love boat's final run? Vikings plead guilty in scandal. ----------Redskins Super Bowl hero Smith sentenced to prison. ----------Arrest report: Browns DB Droughns threw wife out door.
The stories above are the top five headlines from the NFL section of the Foxsports.com website at 4:30 p.m. eastern time on Saturday, May 27. What's wrong with that picture? It's pretty obvious, right? Of the five top NFL stories, four aren't football-related at all except for the fact that they involve current or former NFL players facing various criminal charges.
It used to be reading the sports page gave you a respite from most of the more unsavory aspects of daily life. There were the occasional stories about players behaving badly, but for the most part if it was out of season for a particular sport, the features were geared more toward the prospects for the local team this upcoming season, or whether player "A" could be expected to compete for player "B's" job. Not anymore.
Let's take a quick look at these stories individually.
----------Steelers Holmes arrested for disorderly conduct: No details available at the time, other than the fact that wide receiver and top Steeler pick Santonio Holmes signed a promissory note agreeing to appear in court after being arrested in South Beach Friday night. Nothing says "I'm ready for the NFL" quite like your first arrest.
----------Love boat's final run? Vikings plead guilty in scandal: More disorderly conduct. The details involve Vikings Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie, sex toys, exotic dancers, and the now-infamous Minnesota Vikings party boat cruise last October. You've probably read more than you ever wanted to know about this ill-fated nautical nonsense, and if you haven't, don't waste your time. No doubt Vikings fans wish their players would hit the field with half the gusto they displayed on Lake Minnetonka.
----------Redskins Super Bowl hero Smith sentenced to prison: Here's where the criminal activity really hits it's stride. Timmy Smith, who rushed for over 200 yards in the Washington Redskins 1988 championship win over the Denver Broncos, pleaded guilty to distributing cocaine and will begin serving a two-and-a-half year sentence in July. Prior to his arrest, Smith had been working as a detention officer in a youth services center. Now there's a man who is equipped to turn young lives around. Maybe protestors are right, and the Washington franchise should change its name. They could become the Red-Sins, in honor of Tim Smith.
----------Arrest report: Browns DB Droughns threw wife out door: Here's a guy who celebrated his recent acquittal on drunk-driving charges by allegedly throwing his wife out after she told Reuben Droughns she wanted a divorce. No, he didn't tell her to leave, he actually physically threw her out the door. Droughns faces charges of assault and harassment.Maybe someone needs to explain to this potential Mensa member that "throw her out" is an expression, not a literal concept.
There you have it. Five headlines in the NFL section of Foxsports.com, four of which involve alleged or proven criminal activity by players in the league. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need to go take a shower.
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
