*****Colts quarterback Peyton Manning to little brother Eli: "So, li'l bro, where should we play golf this Monday?"

*****Chargers Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer to Offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron: "I promise, you won't get any interference from me. So, what's the game plan for Sunday, three yards and a cloud of dust?"

*****University of Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban (from inside his office): "Hey, this door's stuck, I seem to be locked in. I'm trapped, I can't leave. Hello, is anybody out there? Anybody? I promise I won't take off if you'll just let me out! Hello?"

*****Fired Atlanta Falcons Head Coach Jim Mora to University of Washington Head Coach Ty Willingham (on the telephone): "Hey, Ty, buddy, how are ya? Don't suppose you have any openings on your staff for a guy who needs a break....hello? Pal? Are you there? ####, I think I got cut off."

*****New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin: "At least I'm not Jim Mora."

*****Mark McGwire: " [sound of crickets chirping]"

*****David Beckham: "I say old chap, I know the contract is for $250 million, but nobody told me I'd have to play in the States, where they play some sort of strange football where men fall all over each other. Actually, just talking about it is making me feel all, oooh, tingly!"

*****San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds: "Amphetamines? How was I supposed to know those were amphetamines? I already told you people I don't pay any attention to what I put into my body. Weren't you listening?"

*****Michelle Wie, after shooting 78 in the first round of this week's PGA Sony Open: "I think I can definitely tear this golf course up." *Editor's note: In the interest of full disclosure, this is an actual comment from the golfer, not a made-up quote.

*****Tony Romo, after being told "Undress me, baby," by Carrie Underwood: "I'm trying, I'm trying, but the buttons on your blouse, they're so slippery. I, I just can't get a grip..."

Now that Christmas is over and we are rapidly approaching New Year's Day, it's time to look ahead to the upcoming year in sports. There were plenty of wild and wacky things that happened in the world of sports in 2006, and you can bet there will be plenty more of the same in 2007, but if you think about it, some things you can be pretty certain will not happen. Here are just a few of those things you won't see in the next year. Feel free to throw in your two cents worth, too.


McGwire Leads Class of 2007 in Hall of Fame Inductions
- He will probably make the Hall barring future damaging revelations, but it won't be next year.

Selig Lauded as Visionary Upon Retirement as MLB Commissioner
- The retirement part will happen, but the rest - forget it.

Owens Takes Vow of Silence, Won't Talk to Media All Season; In Press Conference to Announce This, Calls Jeff Garcia ####
- Okay, he could do this, just to get the press coverage, but you know damn well he'd break the vow the next day. The Garcia part is a definite possibility though.

Ferocious Run Defense Leads Colts to Super Bowl Win!
- Manning does just enough to win, manages game perfectly as Indianapolis defense shines. Sorry, can't even keep a straight face on this one.

Falcons Win Super Bowl; Mora Headed to University of Washington Job Anyway
- This could never happen on two levels - Atlanta isn't a Super Bowl team and Mora won't be around next year to defect.

D.A. Nifong Admits Prosecutorial Misconduct, Apologizes to Duke Lacrosse Players
- This should have happened months ago, so if he hasn't done it by now, it's obvious he won't.

Shockey Praises Giants Coaching Staff
- Actually, you could probably take out "Giants Coaching Staff" and insert anyone you want.

BCS System Applauded as Top Two Teams Meet in National Championship Game
- People will never agree who should be playing in the game unless there's a playoff, maybe not even then.

Michelle Wie Makes Cut in [Insert PGA Tour Event Name Here]!
- This young lady's misguided attempts to not win but simply make the cut in a men's tournament are doing nothing to further either her own golf career or women's sports in general. You can argue she's getting plenty of cash to do it, and that may be true, but in the process this girl who is not even out of her teens is becoming a laughingstock; a David Letterman punchline, and it's sad to see.

August 9, 2006

Dear Michelle Wie,

I realize it has been just a few short hours since you fired your caddy, Greg Johnston, but I believe the position of caddy for Michelle Wie is going to be the most sought-after job in golf since Tiger Woods de-Fluffed back in 1999. Therefore, I felt it was imperative I contact you immediately and offer my services as caddy so you can dispense with the time-consuming task of trying to hire someone new and get back to the task at hand - playing winning golf.

I'll get right to the point, Miss Wie. Here are the reasons why you should hire me:

1) I'm used to taking orders from teenage girls. I have two daughters myself, one 18 and one 15, so when you return the 7-iron I just handed you with a blistering look of scorn and tell me you want the 6-iron instead, I will be unfazed. In fact, I will be expecting it, being fully aware that if I had handed you the 6-iron in the beginning, it would be the 7-iron you needed.

2) I don't panic in sticky situations. Again, I fall back on my experience with my daughters. I taught the oldest to drive, and will soon be teaching the younger as well, so it goes without saying that I've experienced plenty of moments of stark terror. Trying to read a 40-foot putt on a rolling, terraced green for hundreds of thousands of dollars in prize money during a nationally televised tournament will be nothing for me.

3) I've seen all the great golf movies, including Caddyshack and Tin Cup, and have committed most of the best lines from these movies to memory. Sponsors and Pro-Am playing partners will love me.

4) I've been playing golf since way before you were born, and badly, so I have built up a reservoir of justifications and excuses for poor play that could last for years. Naturally, this vast storehouse of material would all be available to you as part of the package.

5) I have been employed by the U.S. Government for the last 24 years, so nothing you could do or say as my employer would seem rash or poorly thought-out, relatively speaking. I don't mean to imply I've seen it all, but, well, yes I do mean to imply that.

6) When you inevitably fire me, I will not utter a word of complaint. I have no expectations here, being aware that your career is run by others, and not yourself. I will go quietly, happy to have been of service.

As you can see, although I have no caddying experience, technically speaking, it is clearly in your best interest to contact me with your job offer as soon as possible. I look forward to hearing from you and working with [for] you in the near future.

Sincerely,
HalfBaked

Simeon Rice, Tampa Bay defensive end: "Right now, I'm in the likes of the great ones of this game...Michael Strahan is a great player....I give him the ultimate, ultimate love. But he's still not me."

What I meant to say: "I don't care how much Michael Strahan bugs me about giving him the ultimate love, I'm not going there."

**********

Jose Maria Buxeda, attorney for Tour de france winner Floyd Landis: "Floyd is certain he hasn't ingested any prohibited substance....and is pretty sure he will be able to prove [the positive testosterone result] is due to natural causes."

What I meant to say: "Of course Floyd did it! Have you seen the size of the mountains those racers have to climb? Nobody could do that without some chemical assistance. Who do you think he is anyway, Lance Armstrong?"

**********

Danica Patrick, after running out of gas with two laps to go in the Firestone Indy 400 and throwing a televised tantrum: "It was a brutal day and a brutal race....we were just not fast."

What I meant to say: "Will the guys take me seriously now?"

**********

Terrell Owens, on Cowboys coach Bill Parcells' reaction to his tweaked hamstring: "I told him I'll try to get back as quick as I can....He knows I'm not going to be any good sitting on the sidelines."

What I meant to say: "Damn, I am one fine looking man."

**********

Michelle Wie, when asked about her four second place finishes and four third place finishes the last eighteen months: "I think a win is coming. It just depends how lucky you are that week and how good you're playing."

What I meant to say: "Will the guys take me seriously now?"

**********

Eric Wedge, Cleveland Indians manager, after Fausto Carmona blew his first save opportunity against Boston Monday night: "Fausto is a strong-minded kid who is going to figure this thing out."

What I meant to say: "Who else am I going to use as my closer, Guillermo Mota? He's like eighty years old."

**********

Bob Stoops, head football coach at the University of Oklahoma, on the news that his starting quarterback, Rhett Bomar, had received pay for working forty hour weeks at a car dealership but actually worked just a few hours a week: "That's conduct we won't tolerate here at the University of Oklahoma."

What I meant to say: "What's this world coming to? In my day, you didn't have to work at all to get paid when you were the star quarterback at OU."

**********

Grady Little, Dodgers manager, on removing Greg Maddux after six innings following a rain delay, with a no-hitter on the line: "After 45 minutes, we didn't want to take a chance."

What I meant to say: "He was coming out of there. He's no Pedro Martinez, you know."

As NFL training camps get under way, probably the most significant football news isn't even taking place on the field. The Associated Press reported Monday that after a three hour meeting in Detroit, the NFL Commissioner Search Committee has narrowed the list of prospective candidates to replace retiring commissioner Paul Tagliabue down to eleven names, and hopes to choose a successor to Tagliabue in early August.

Considering the NFL is probably the most successful, healthiest professional sports league in the country right now, the question of who to pick to replace the man who has led the league for the last sixteen years is of extreme importance to team owners and fans. The obvious question then, is why hasn't the commissioner search been more widely reported on? Where are the stories naming the potential replacements?

The NFL is guarding the names of those men and/or women with the aggressiveness normally reserved for the protection of nuclear launch codes. No Valerie Plame leaks here. However, without revealing too much of how I was able to do it, I have managed to uncover a copy of the list of eleven names which makes up the finalists for the NFL Commissioner's job. Some of these names are ones you might expect, others are surprising.

At considerable risk to my own personal safety, and in the interest of freedom of the electronic press, what follows is a copy of the closely-guarded secret list of potential successors to NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue.

**********

July 24, 2006
NFL Commissioner's Search Committee
Finalists for Commissioner's Job

*Eyes Only*

Be advised, these finalists are listed in alphabetical order. Their presence at the top or bottom of the list does NOT constitute any sort of endorsement or indicate any preference for the position.



- Peyton Manning: He has finally come to the same conclusion everyone else reached years ago - He'll never be able to win the big one. With this job, Manning could be a major player at the Super Bowl every year. Drawback to hiring Manning - can get flustered at critical points in negotiations.




- Dennis Miller: No one is too sure if he understands anything about football, even after his year-long stint in the Monday Night Football broadcast booth. However, league meetings would be a lot more fun, and the owners might appreciate the arcane references in his rants more than regular people.




- Mike Nifong: This current prosecutor for Durham County in North Carolina would never give up on his vision for the NFL, regardless of any and all evidence indicating that he is on the wrong track. Advantage to hiring Nifong - He could give up his prosecutor's job immediately and never be missed.





- George O'Leary: Advertising revenues for league games would skyrocket, as ratings could be whatever he said they were. Advantage to hiring O'Leary - He is the most qualified candidate. According to his resume, O'Leary has run an airline, been a U.S. Senator, and co-invented the internet wih Al Gore
.



- Terrell Owens: Clearly, Owens would have to give up his playing career. Shouldn't be an issue, since he's become mostly a comedy sideshow anyway. Owens says his first project as commissioner would be to fire Donovan McNabb and install Brett Favre as Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, just to see if his theory from last fall was correct.




- Adam Sandler: At first glance, Sandler appears to be a dark-horse candidate. However, thanks to his numerous sports movies, including The Longest Yard and The Waterboy, both of which involve football, Sandler may be one of the more qualified candidates of all the finalists.




- Bud Selig: Retiring MLB Commissioner has done all he can to shepherd the game of baseball into the 21st century, he faces no further challenges there. Advantage to hiring Selig - Tie scores in the Pro Bowl would be no problem for him to deal with. Plus, it appears unlikely Barry Bonds will switch to football.




- O.J. Simpson: Ruthless and extremely convincing face-to-face negotiator, Simpson would help change the impression of the NFL as being slow to hire minority executives - the minority being accused felons. Disadvantage for Simpson - still busy searching for the real killer.



- Kiefer Sutherland: Who in his right mind would argue a suspension or fine with Jack Bauer? Especially considering being called to the league office would probably mean live wires to the nipples or a .38 shot to the kneecap?




- Donald Trump: Could be convinced to drop his interest in purchasing the Chicago Cubs if he had the opportunity to control every team in the NFL. Drawback to hiring Trump - He could pass the job on to his next Apprentice within a year.



- Michelle Wie: No qualifications as far as anyone can tell, but she insists on competing with the men for this job. Drawback to hiring Wie - mornings would have to be spent home-schooling with her tutor.





Once again, please give this list all possible safeguards. The dangers of it falling into the wrong hand at this late date cannot be overstated. Thank you, and we look forward to seeing you all on August 7, 2006 to make this all-important selection.

NFL Commissioner Search Committee

As you may or may not have noticed in the sports headlines, Michelle Wie was forced to withdraw from the John Deere Classic Friday, after apparently being overcome by heat exhaustion during the second round in her latest attempt to make the cut in a men's PGA event.

While there seems to be no shortage of people looking out for Michelle Wie's burgeoning professional golf career, most notably her agent, Ross Berlin and her parents, B.J. and Bo, it's becoming more and more obvious that no one is the least bit concerned with what is in the best interest of Michelle Wie the person - the sixteen year-old young lady.

The fact that this tall, slim teenager could outdrive, outplay and outputt you and me on the golf course without even breaking a sweat or chipping a nail seems to have everyone convinced that her emotional maturity is at the same lofty level as her physical ability on the course. Maybe it's even the case. Maybe Michelle Wie is the rare teen who is emotionally and physically advanced beyond her tender years.

But somehow it seems much more likely that Miss Wie is slowly but surely becoming a victim of someone's obsession with the ultimately pointless exercise of attempting to contend over the weekend in a men's professional tournament. Whether this obsessive quest is her own or, as I believe much more likely, her father's, it seems way past time to rethink the whole proposition.

Is it not impressive enough that a sixteen year-old girl has the ability to compete against professional women two and even three times her age on the golf course? Will it be less impressive if she competes against the best men in the world when she's 21 or 26 or (gasp!) never?

The pressure being put on this impressive young lady either by herself or others is more than any sixteen year-old should have to deal with. While other girls her age are learning to drive, double-dating to pizza and a movie, and roaming the mall with their friends, Michelle Wie is battling it out with male PGA professionals, many of whom are clearly resentful of her presence on the course and are not the least bit shy about letting her know it.

The women's professional tennis circuit is littered with careers of teenaged girls who had immense talent but were pushed too hard by domineering fathers or agents out to maximize their takes off the young ladies' athletic abilities. Unable to deal with so much so early in their lives, many of them burned out before they could legally celebrate a tournament victory with a cold beer. The history is there for everyone to see. Is it possible that the people responsible for this young golfer's well-being refuse to see it?

Michelle Wie can potentially be a force in golf for the next thirty years. Couldn't her parents just allow her to at least be a semi-normal teen for a couple of years?

Dear Michelle,

On behalf of weekend golfers and two-bit hackers everywhere, please accept my hearty "welcome to the club!" By missing three makeable par putts Monday at Canoe Brook, late in your attempt to play your way into the men's U.S. Open at Winged Foot, you punched your ticket into our not-so-exclusive club.

This might be the only thing in the whole wide world you and I have in common, Michelle. I know nothing about being a teenaged golf phenom, or indeed about being a teenaged girl at all, for that matter. I do have a little experience dealing with teenaged girls, Michelle, having two daughters of my own, and I can tell you that you people are hard to understand most of the time.

But missing par putts? Now you're talking my language. Standing over an eight foot knee-knocker with the absolute, unshakeable certainty that you've read the break perfectly, then watching in disbelief as the ball slides past the hole on the short side, oh yeah, I've been there.

At least you didn't hold up the group behind you by placing your ball back in the same spot you missed from after putting out and trying it again, convinced that somehow the laws of physics had been temporarily suspended when you tried it that first time, only to discover that, against all odds, those laws of physics mysteriously disappeared again on your retry and the damn ball did the same exact thing. I hear some jokers do that, Michelle, not that you or I ever would.

Oh I know you were playing under a lot more pressure than I've ever faced on the course Michelle, but it's not like it's always been a piece of cake out there for me either. Pressure? I can tell you a few stories about pressure. A couple of years ago the course marshal at Trull Brook happened to be motoring by on his little golf cart with the orange flag flying behind it, when he stopped and watched as I was facing a tricky chip shot over a bunker onto the green.

Well, Michelle, I sank that chip shot, right over the sand and into the hole. As my playing partners were whooping it up, I had to pass right by the marshal. He could sense frustration on my part instead of excitement and as I walked by his cart, he asked, "was that to save par?" "Triple bogey," I muttered as I continued my death march to the next tee, steadfastly refusing to meet his eye. So as you can see, I know a thing or two about pressure myself, Michelle.

Now I'm not saying we're the same kind of golfer, don't get me wrong. You probably stand over more putts for par or better in one weekend than I do in a whole season of golf. The only thing I use my three iron for is to ward off rabid small animals with as I'm searching the woods for my ball.

I could practice eight hours a day for the rest of my life and I still couldn't approach your ability on the golf course, Michelle, but for just a little while, you and I were kindred spirits. I know you'll never admit it, but the words your mom told you never to say that were floating around in your head Monday are the same ones that occasionally make their way out of my mouth on the course.

So good luck in the future, Michelle. I know you are destined for bigger and better things in the world of golf. Female Tiger Woods and all that. But don't forget you're part of a big (excuse the pun) club. We don't have membership cards or anything, but I'm sure you'll learn the secret handshake at the next meeting.

----If a retired male racehorse gets to be known as "stud," does a retired female racehorse have to be known as a "nag?" And does this have any significance in our lives?

-----Hazel Mae of the New England Sports Network gives "Sports Desk Updates" during NESN's coverage of Red Sox games, but there's no desk in sight. In fact, she's perched on some kind of funky balcony made of silver piping. Shouldn't it be known as a "Sports Porch Update?" And if the Sox are playing in Yankee Stadium, should it then be called a "Short Porch Update?"

-----Is Barry Bonds intentionally waiting to hit home runs number 714 and 715 just to drive Bud Selig insane? And if that's the case, should we be looking at him as some kind of evil genius?

-----If NGS II didn't have Dime Magazine as one of its judges, would anyone be blogging about the NBA playoffs? And did I just eliminate myself from contention by asking that question?

-----Was I ever as young as Michelle Wie? And will I ever be as talented at anything as she is at golf right now?

-----Are high school and college sports teams ever going to get the message that hazing rituals are demeaning and dangerous and have no place in sports?

-----University of Georgia President Michael Adams wants CBS to stop promoting the Georgia-Florida football game as the "World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party." Does he want to ensure that the indoor drinkers also get their due?

-----Since Major League Baseball is promoting the use of pink bats by some of its biggest sluggers to support breast cancer research (surely a worthy goal), will the WNBA or LPGA encourage its members to wear jockstraps in support of research into testicular cancer?

-----Does Mia Hamm call Nomar Garciaparra a wuss when he goes on the DL with a muscle pull?

-----Who drives when Danica Patrick and husband Paul Hospenthal go out to dinner? And if he drives, does she tell him to slow down?

-----Am I the only one that wonders about this stuff? And how do I get these voices to stop?