So, you say you wish you could trade places with a famous professional athlete for a while, just to see what it's like? Find out how cool it would be to make millions of dollars playing a game, travel first-class around the country, perform in front of thousands of fans every night, maybe make SportsCenter's Top Plays every once in a while?

Sure, it would be kind of cool, but it's not all fun and games. Just ask Kaz Matsui of the Houston Astros if you don't believe me. Here's a guy who has been in the big leagues for four years, made over $20 million, appeared in the World Series last year with the Colorado Rockies. He's got it all, right?

Well, part of having it all is watching as every detail of your medical and health situation is plastered all over the media. After all, your health, or lack thereof, plays a critical role in your ability to perform your job. Most of the time that's no big deal. You strain a hamstring, tweak your shoulder, injure your knee, maybe miss a little time, rehab it and come back full strength. No problem.

Not always, though, and again just ask Kaz Matsui if you don't believe me. Kaz Matsui is scheduled to undergo surgery in Houston Monday to repair an anal fissure.

If you've never heard of an anal fissure, you're not alone. Without getting too graphic, because nobody wants that, I had always assumed the point of that particular area was the fissure. Not so. Suffice it to say this particular injury involves severe pain once a day or so and let's leave it at that.

My point in bringing it up is this: Who among us has not had the occasional sensitive medical issue we'd just as soon not have our friends and neighbors know about? I don't know about you, but my anal fissure is not what I want the talk of the next block party to be about.

Now picture this hypothetical medical situation being carried in every newspaper and every sports media outlet in the country, and you begin to get a sense of what poor Kaz Matsui is going through.

And yet, here he is about to go under the knife and his affliction is headline news, at least on the Foxsports.com MLB page, as well as Sportsillustrated.com's MLB page and undoubtedly every other national outlets as well. The Houston Chronicle has taken time out from their coverage of the Rockets 21 game NBA winning streak to make sure they're all over the situation, too. I know because I looked.

Although the procedure is said to be a relatively minor one, with a recovery time of about two weeks, the Astros second baseman is now facing the prospect of hearing drunken louts all over the National League yell, "Hey Matsui, pull your head out of your #### before you get another fissure!" every time he makes a mental mistake. In some cases, just stepping on the field will be enough provocation.

If he knows what's best for himself, he won't take the situation too seriously. After all, he's still got his health, relatively speaking, and his millions. Back in the mid-1980's when the Royals were competitive, there was some talk third baseman George Brett would be sidelined for the World Series with a case of hemorrhoids. He told reporters, "And I thought my problems were all behind me."

A few random thoughts while watching Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals shred the Bruins for a first period hat trick in a 5-0 game (so far).


You just never know in sports. The Bruins have been playing some of the best hockey in the NHL for most of the last month, with goaltender Tim Thomas standing on his head, stopping practically everything coming his way. Not tonight, though, as Thomas gave up four goals in less than nine minutes and was replaced by Alex Auld halfway through the first period, when it was already 4-0.

Thomas didn't get much help from his defense, though, as the Bruins looked like they forgot their skates at the team hotel. Wow, 6-0 now, still first period. Apparently the Bruins have been busy celebrating Randy Moss re-signing with the Patriots for three more years.


Lou Piniella isn't wasting any time getting into midseason form. After Jason Marquis told reporters he would rather go elsewhere if he wasn't part of the Chicago Cubs starting rotation, Piniella angrily replied Chicago should just "let him go" if that was the case.

No surprise there. Lou Piniella has always been strung a little tighter than even most other baseball managers, not a group usually known for their laid-back ways. What is surprising though, is that one day later, Piniella apologized for his remarks and Marquis did not retract any of his.

There is definitely more to come on this story. It may take until July or August, but you will hear more from these two guys.


It didn't take long to get here. Just days after Astros owner Drayton McLane raved about how much Roger Clemens means to the Houston franchise and how Roger would be welcomed in the Astros camp with open arms, the Houston Chronicle is reporting McLane gathered the Astros top brass together to reach some sort of decision on how to handle Clemens if he decides to return to camp.

The Rocket had pitched batting practice to the club's minor league players for two days last week, but the resulting crush of media attention had turned into what club officials felt was a distraction. Suddenly McLane's arms aren't open quite so wide.


Spare a thought for Bobby Murcer. According to Associated Press Baseball Writer Mike Fitzpatrick, the 61 year old Murcer, a Yankee broadcaster for the last 23 seasons and former All-Star outfielder, is recovering from a brain biopsy performed Monday in Houston.

Murcer, who underwent surgery in December, 2006 for a malignant brain tumor, was forced to undergo the most recent operation after an MRI revealed "an area of concern, which could be scar tissue or another tumor." The popular broadcaster recovered from his 2006 surgery in time to work Yankee games last year; let's hope he will be back on the air this season as well.


Sydney Crosby needs a cool nickname. The Pittsburgh Penguins captain, still only twenty years old, may be out for a few more weeks with a high ankle sprain, but perhaps the time could be used to come up with a fitting moniker for him. "Syd the Kid?" Come on. By the age of twenty, Wayne Gretzky was already being referred to as "The Great One," so it only seems fitting that Crosby get something better than "Syd the Kid."

Considering how many honors Crosby has already won in just his first two years in the NHL - The Hart Trophy as NHL MVP, the Art Ross Trophy as the NHL's leading scorer, and the Lester B. Pearson Trophy as the league's Most Outstanding Player as voted by the Player's Association, all in 2007 - maybe he could be known as "Bling" Crosby. After all, barring a serious, career-threatening injury, Crosby should be racking up the hardware for most of the next two decades.

As a guy who is used to seeing everything he touches turn to gold, or at least to wins and strikeouts, Roger Clemens must be a bit mystified by the prospect of a formerly adoring public looking at him with skepticism and scorn despite his assurances both in public and under oath that he never used performance enhancing drugs.

The latest door to begin swinging shut in Roger's face is Drayton McLane's. The Houston Astros owner, with whom Clemens signed a ten-year personal services contract effective upon his retirement, sounds suddenly like a man wondering what, exactly, he can now expect for his money.

As recently as February 17, in an interview published on the Astros website, McLane was effusive in his praise for the Rocket, stressing that Clemens was still welcome in Houston's spring camp regardless of what else was going on in his world.

Among other things, McLane said "I've given him my encouragement...he knows we care about him. He's done a lot of good things for us. We wouldn't have had some of the successes we've had if Roger Clemens hadn't been an Astro for three years."

Now, however, the Rocket has been in camp with the Astros for just three days, and the team's owner seems to be changing his tune. Acknowledging that Clemens's presence has created a circus atmosphere with all the national media attention following his every move, McLane stated in an interview published February 29 in the Houston Chronicle that he intended to sit down with Astros upper management and determine what, exactly, Clemens's role should be, if any.

McLane says that the personal services contract is not in effect, since Clemens has not officially announced his retirement (again), but didn't sound like a man anxious to explore all the possibilities Clemens could bring to the table. "I'm not aware of what all is in the contract. We'll have to wait and see. He's certainly not getting paid."

McLane did eventually say that he fully intended to honor the contract, calling it the "honorable and correct thing to do," and saying, "There's an agreement we'll pay him for the ten years."

For the record, the agreed-upon amount of the contract is $3 million total for the ten years, or roughly the amount McLane probably spends on jet fuel for the G5, so there's not much doubt that honoring the contract will not break the bank of one of the richest men in America - after all, according to Forbes Magazine, McLane's net worth is well over one billion dollars. That's right, that's billion with a "B."

Heck, McLane could probably pull up his couch cushions and more than $3 million would fall out.

But unless the Rocket's fortunes change drastically, and fast, he very well may find he is earning his money by sitting at home out of sight rather than by being the public face of the Houston Astros. That's assuming, of course, he is not sitting in jail because, as Abraham Lincoln once so astutely observed, "You can fool all the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all the people all of the time."

That time is now for Roger Clemens.

It's become a cliche that the internet is called the "Information Superhighway," but like most cliches, there's a lot of truth to it, which is why it became a cliche in the first place.

For example, you want to find out the latest on Roger Clemens and the steroids controversy? A quick entry of "Clemens steroids" into the Google search bar yields approximately 451,000 results. There's everything from blog entries on the subject - I assume my pearls of wisdom are in there somewhere, but I'm way too lazy to scroll through 451,000 subject headings just to confirm it - to gravely serious scholarly articles, to satirical pieces in online magazines like Deadspin.

Or what about the hilarious although potentially dangerous misadventures of Astros outfielder Hunter Pence, who walked through a glass door last week while relaxing in his hot tub - well, not while relaxing in the hot tub, technically, but right after. Type "Hunter Pence glass" into the Google search engine (easily the most important research advancement since the invention of Cliffs Notes), and in .14 seconds you have at your fingertips roughly 33,700 web entries dedicated to that very subject, or more information than even Pence's own mother cares to have on her athletically inclined but clutzy son.

I tell you this as a lead-in to a cool web site I discovered after turning down an umarked ramp off the info superhighway. While considering writing a post on news that the Florida Marlins will be holding a "casting call" for "Plus-Sized Male Cheerleaders" they will be featuring during Friday and Saturday home games this year (and they wonder why they have trouble drawing fans), I was searching for a copy of the Marlins logo.

The post on the "Plus-Sized Male Cheerleaders" is not going to be written, at least not by me. The whole notion of a squad of fat men acting as cheerleaders for a losing baseball team is disquieting to me on a level I don't even really understand and besides, it sounds like the plot for another Will Ferrell movie, which I won't be a party to foisting on the American public, not even in my own small, maybe even tiny or microscopic way.

But anyway, back to the website. The address is www.sportslogos.net and it features exactly what you would expect: current and past logos for teams from nine different sports categories including rugby, lacrosse and the Olympics, as well as the major American sports.

The crown jewel of the website, however, is baseball logos. These are broken down by leagues, including the obvious National and American leagues, but also Pioneer League, Southern League, Canadian Baseball League, and nineteen others.






What is this, you ask? Why, the logo of the Traverse City Beach Bums of the Pioneer League, of course.







Here's another logo that grabs your attention right away. It's either Mark McGwire chopping wood to get ready for a long winter or the logo of the Southern Illinois Miners of the Frontier League.






Here's another one of my favorites. This is the logo of the Pacific Coast League's Las Vegas 51's and not, as you probably assumed, Gump Worsley's original goalie mask. Don't feel bad, I made the same initial assumption.


This is the logo of the California League's Modesto Nuts. How would you like to storm the field wearing that little gem on your cap? Just guessing here, but could the team's motto be, "This is what happens when you don't wear your cup"?

According to the website's home page, they feature displays of 8,438 sports logos, as well as an additional 1095 sports uniforms and "historical items." If you're into sports and you're looking for an interesting way to spend a few minutes, or if you've finally finished scrolling through all the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model pics, check out the site; you won't be disappointed.

Are you a soap opera fan? There's a new one on the air now, maybe you've caught an episode or two. This one has all the usual plot twists you expect out of your favorite daytime tear-jerker. Love, loss, money, family, betrayal, sick kids, illicitly taped telephone conversations, lawyers, accusations, denials. And that's just the first week's episodes. Can't wait to see what the soap opera writers will think up next!

What a sad, bizarre end to what was up until very recently sure to be a first-ballot Hall of Fame career for Roger Clemens. 24 years in the big leagues, 354 wins, nearly 5000 innings pitched, 4672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA, 7 Cy Young Awards, 11 All-Star Game selections, and on and on and on.

Numbers out of some sort of wacked-out video game career. Numbers you may well never see again in an era of 5-man pitching rotations, disabled list stays for minor injuries, the tendency of most managers to yank starters after seven and even six or sometimes five innings based on pitch count rather than results.

Fifteen times in his career Clemens pitched over 200 innings, considered the standard by which "workhorse" pitchers are judged. Nineteen times he reached double-figures in wins, including six seasons of twenty wins or more.

Unbelievable numbers. Incredible numbers. Hall of Fame numbers. Until a guy nobody ever heard of until the Mitchell Report came out, Brian McNamee, dropped a dime on Roger's name and gave federal investigators specifics of how he injected Clemens with steroids and HGH in the late 1990's early 2000's.

Inevitably, Clemens issued vehement denials, both through his lawyers and personally. McNamee's side reiterated the charges. Clemens called McNamee, purportedly to clear the air, and then recorded the conversation, without telling McNamee, of course; a legal tactic in Texas but morally questionable.

Was this the tactic of a man desperately trying to clear his name? Maybe, but if that was the case, why did Clemens not come out and say something straightforward and direct during the call to McNamee, like, "Brian, you know you never injected steroids into me, why did you say you did?"

Instead, Roger made vanilla statements worth nothing, like "Tell the truth." According to his lawyers, he was concerned about being accused of obstructing an ongoing investigation, but what's the point of recording a telephone conversation if you're not at least going to come away with conclusive proof the other party is lying?

Now, of course, McNamee's side says the gloves are coming off. Attorney Richard Emery said, "...he [Clemens] is going to get buried. I have no compuction about putting him in jail."

Supporters for each side will say there is no proof their man is lying, pointing to ifs, ands, and buts like they were eyewitnesses, facts, and indisputable evidence. Meanwhile, a sparkling diamond of a career lies in shambles, kicked around in the dirt like a third world soccer ball. Clemens will not pitch again, he is finished in baseball, and all those beautiful numbers are tarnished by accusations they were chemically aided.

What will those soap opera writers think of next?

I'm not a doctor. I've never played one on TV, never studied medicine, don't even watch medical shows. I hate to pay medical bills. My only medical experience is in patching up bumps and bruises my three kids experienced growing up.

I admit all this right up front. I'm no medical professional, and you certainly wouldn't want me diagnosing you. But I'm also not an ####, and if the best Roger Clemens can come up with for a defense against his starring role in the Mitchell Report is his latest public utterances on the subject, I'm thinking he should give some consideration to hiring a new public relations firm.

According to an Associated Press report released on Thursday, man who spent nearly a quarter-century pitching in the big leagues was asked in an interview last Friday if former personal trainer Brian McNamee had ever injected him with any drugs. His answer? "Lidocaine and B-12. It's for my joints, and B-12 I still take today."

Okay, fair enough. Maybe McNamee misremembered what he injected into Clemens's butt if he was really, really busy shooting steroids into everyone else's. Maybe he is wrong. But, honestly, lidocaine and B-12?

Vitamin B-12 has historically been used as a treatment for anemia, and at levels even slightly lower than normal within the human body can cause symptoms such as fatigue, depression, and poor memory. So it is entirely conceivable that a professional athlete, especially an aging one like Clemens, would want to ingest B-12 to combat the effects of fatigue during the season.

But injecting it? Into your buttocks? What's the point of that, when there are much easier ways to take B-12? It is found naturally in foods of animal origin such as liver and eggs, but even if you insist on taking it as a dietary supplement, B-12 can be ingested as an #### pill, a sublingual pill (under the tongue), a liquid, or a nasal spray, each and every one of which would seem to be much less unpleasant than having another man stick a needle of it into your butt.

The lidocaine defense seems even flimsier to me. Lidocaine is used topically to relieve itching, burning, and minor skin inflammations, and injected most often as a dental anesthetic and in minor surgery. Even if Roger was suffering from hemmorhoids, he would use a cream, not an injection.

Why would he require an injection of an anesthetic into his butt? What would the purpose of that be, exactly? Was McNamee performing minor #### surgery on the Rocket that day? If so, it would seem like the kind of thing both men would remember, even years later. I know if it was my butt that's the sort of thing that would recur in nightmares for years, but maybe that's just me.

Perhaps I'm missing something here; I certainly hope that's the case. I would like to think that given the amount of money Clemens must be spending on teams of lawyers and PR firms in this desperate attempt to save his reputation, that he could come up with something a little more believable than "lidocaine and B-12." Alien abduction, maybe, or secret CIA testing on his unwitting self.

The unwitting self part has the ring of believability, don't you think? It certainly does for me, because Clemens must be fairly witless if he expects you and me to #### this whopper without asking any more questions.

The man was a great pitcher; one of the best ever, in my opinion. I'm glad I had the chance to see him pitch when he was starting out. In the early 1980's Roger Clemens was just another big, skinny kid out the University of Texas with a blazing fastball and the guts of a catburglar.

Somewhere down the line came awards and money and personal trainers and injections of disputed substances into his big butt. All the trappings of big-time sports, in other words. But in the beginning, he was just a big kid with miles of talent, not the immortal Rocket who felt the need to do things no one would want for their children to keep it all alive.

Major league baseball teams are no strangers to offering incentive-laden contracts to players who are either advancing in age or injury-prone. The Red Sox did exactly that just a few weeks ago when they re-signed Curt Schilling to a one-year deal which will pay him handsomely if he is able to stay healthy all of next season and make thirty or so starts.

But according to an Associated Press report published yesterday on cnnsi.com, even Kerry Wood was "surprised at all the interest he drew from other teams in free agency." Why would he be surprised? After all, he just turned thirty last season, an age when many pitchers are only reaching their primes. Roger Clemens, another big Texan, won close to 200 games after the age of thirty, and who knows if he's even done yet?

But for Kerry Wood, who signed a one-year deal to stay with the Chicago Cubs, the team with which he has spent his entire ten-year major league career, the inability to stay healthy has taken the sheen off what was once one of the most promising starts to a career in baseball history.

He broke into the big leagues in 1998 at the age of twenty, winning thirteen games and the National League Rookie of the Year award. Wood pitched 166 and two-thirds innings that year, striking out an incredible 233 batters, or an average of 12.6 per nine innings pitched. In his fifth-ever major league start, on May 6, 1998, Wood struck out 20 Houston Astros, tying the major league record.

Ominously, however, those thirteen wins and 233 strikeouts would represent the second-most he would record in each category. Wood missed most of the final month of his rookie season with elbow problems and then all of the 1999 season. After returning to the Cubs in the 2000 and spending most of the next four years more or less regularly in the rotation, injuries again began to take their toll on the pitcher.

Since the 2004 season, Wood has suffered triceps problems, shoulder problems, knee problems and elbow problems. He has not pitched over 140 innings in a seasons since 2003 and not more than 66 since 2004.

In ten years since making his major league debut, Wood has spent at least 536 days on the DL, coming off it most recently last August and working out of the bullpen, where it is expected he will remain in 2008.

So for Kerry Wood, the prospect of a one-year deal for a base salary of $4.2 million and incentives that could top out at a total of $7.65 million if he should remain healthy all season, undoubtedly looks pretty sweet. The Cubs, too, remain mesmerized by visions of what they will have if he is ever able to avoid the injury bug which has plagued him his entire career and put his talent all together again.

According to Baseball-reference.com, Wood has earned nearly $50 million in his career in baseball, including the $4.2 million he will make as a minimum next year. Not bad money for ten years of work, especially when a big chunk of it has been spent recovering from one injury after another. But if Kerry Wood can get healthy and stay healthy, the Chicago Cubs and their fans will consider it money well spent.

Dubliner Magazine, apologizing for publishing what it claimed were nude photos of Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren: "The publisher and staff at The Dubliner acknowledge that the satirical article was inappropriate and wish to sincerely apologize to Tiger Woods, his wife, Elin Nordegren and other Ryder Cup players and their families for any offense they may have taken to it."

What I Meant to Say: "We never realized how our circulation would skyrocket from this one little article. Hopefully this apology to the rest of the U.S. Ryder Cup team will suffice, as we are frantically searching the web for nude photos of anyone looking remotely like Amy Mickelson for next week's edition."

**********

Alex Rodriguez, responding to all the criticism he has received this season, including some from his own teammates: "I don't know if it's (because) I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."

What I Meant to Say: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

**********

Roger Clemens, Astros pitcher, after his final start of the season, and perhaps his career, in Houston: "I don't know what tomorrow brings - but if this is it, I've really enjoyed it."

What I Meant to Say: "Are you kidding me? Of course I'll consider coming back - $12 million for half a season's work is a pretty cushy gig if you can get it. Even though I already have more money than God, who can't use $12 million more?"

**********

Pete Rose, on at least thirty baseballs he signed for friends years ago: "I'm sorry I bet on baseball."

What I Meant to Say: "I'm really sorry I signed these damn balls and didn't get paid for it! Now they're going to be auctioned off and I won't see a penny. Sometimes life is so unfair."

**********

Terry Francona, Red Sox manager, on the possibility that pitcher Matt Clement, out since June 14, will make an appearance before the end of the season: "We don't want him pitching in a game just to say he pitched in a game. We want him to do it for the right reasons, and we'll see how it goes."

What I Meant to Say: "We want to drag out the end of this season just a little bit longer. Hopefully Matt can throw one of his patented four-hour gems, the ones that make you want to gouge out your own eyeballs or hammer a rusty nail into your ear just to make the torture stop."

**********

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans head coach, on why he felt it necessary to trade backup quarterback Billy Volek to San Diego: "He was untruthful with me, untruthful with his head coach, about where he was and what he was doing. So we started off on the wrong page."

What I Meant to Say: "Steve McNair never lied to me, and we didn't even let him use the team's training facility. Why did we get rid of him again? I can't remember."

**********

Jim Mora, Atlanta Falcons head coach, on the signing of 46 year-old placekicker Morten Andersen: "Morten Andersen is one of the finest field goal kickers in the history of the National Football League. His outstanding career speaks for itself, and we are excited to have him rejoin our organization."

What I Meant to Say: "He was great when he kicked for the Canton Bulldogs. Plus, George Blanda wasn't available."

The ancient Boston-New York rivalry gets renewed tonight, not in the more traditional Red Sox-Yankees sense, but rather with the interleague Red Sox-Mets rivalry. Okay, maybe "rivalry" is a little too strong a description for the series, but in today's disposable, fast-food, instant-gratification world, "ancient" is probably an apt description for the 20th anniversary of the Red Sox-Mets World Series of 1986.

In honor of the 20th anniversary of that classic series, Boston management has arranged a reunion of many of the participants, to take place during the three-game set in Fenway tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday between the modern incarnations of both clubs. This series promises to be an exciting one between the teams with the third-and-fourth best records in baseball, but the obvious question regarding any World Series reunion would have to be, "why?"

If the series were taking place at Shea Stadium, it would make sense, given the fact that the Mets won the series in stunning comeback fashion, as anyone who follows sports at all is well aware. The now-grainy video from twenty autumns ago of Bill Buckner bending in agonizingly painful fashion to field Mookie Wilson's ground ball, only to see the ball skip under his glove and into right field as Ray Knight races home with the winning run in Game Six, setting up New York's eventual Game Seven comeback win, is now probably more famous than the film of that poor ski jumper who crashed down the mountain every week for years at the beginning of ABC's Wide World of Sports.

But to celebrate such a painful memory in Boston? Does the British government hold a fireworks display every year on July Fourth? Does NASA celebrate the launch of the space shuttle Challenger? Why does Red Sox management want to dredge up the single most painful memory many Sox fans have ever had to endure?

Sure, for normal teams and under normal circumstances a celebration of the 20th anniversary of winning the American League pennant, one of only two Sox teams to accomplish that feat in the last thirty years, would be appropriate. But considering the massive implosion that ended that season on the Boston side, doesn't it seem a little like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer so you can enjoy the feeling when you stop?

In any event, the reunion is going to take place, although certainly not with with all the former combatants. Let's take a look at some of the possible and impossible participants.


Roger Clemens - Obviously, Roger has other things to do. The only member of either team still active as a player has changed uniforms and is now wearing the polyester of the Houston Astros. Roger's a definite no-show.

Dwight Gooden - Clearly another no-show, since Doc has changed uniforms and now wears the institutional blue of the Florida Department of Corrections. Another definite no.

Bill Buckner - Every soap opera worth it's salt needs a tragic figure, and Buckner fits the bill here. A solid, even outstanding player during his two decades of big league service, this poor guy is remembered only as the goat of the 1986 World Series, an unfair label since the BoSox collapse was truly a team collaboration. Buckner was hounded out of town after his retirement, moving from the Boston suburbs to somewhere in Idaho to get away from the constant attention. It's hard to imagine Billy Buck would come back to relive his infamous gaffe.

Darryl Strawberry - One of New York's seemingly endless supply of good young players in 1986, the sky was the limit as far as his potential was concerned. For a Mets fan, it had to seem like a run of titles was a distinct possibility. That didn't happen, and neither did all that potential turn into production for Strawberry, although he remained a dangerous hitter for years. Problems with drugs and marital issues took their toll on the Mets' right fielder. There's probably a pretty good chance he'll be back, if only to hear the chants of "Daaaarylll," he was serenaded with almost constantly at Fenway during the Series.

Joe Morgan - No, not the Hall of Fame former second-baseman for the Reds, the real Joe Morgan, at least around New England, is the baseball lifer who in 1986 was a member of the Red Sox coaching staff. Morgan is a Boston legend who still lives in the area, famous for turning around a struggling Red Sox team in 1988. Named interim manager when John McNamara was fired at the All-Star break, Morgan inspired the Red Sox to win their first twelve in a row after the break and 19 of 20 en route to winning the A.L East. A lock to be in on the festivities.

John McNamara - Red Sox manager during the 1986 season, he was villified for not removing Buckner late in Game Six and replacing him with Dave Stapleton defensively, as had become the custom as that season progressed, due to Buckner's increasing lack of mobility on his bad ankles. Perhaps McNamara felt Billy Buck should be on the field for the Series-winning celebration, but he never fully answered the question of why that defensive switch wasn't made. McNamara had a hate-hate relationship with the media during his years in Boston and it doesn't seem likely he would show up in town now.

Bruce Hurst - The man who, for just a few short minutes, was the 1986 World Series Most Valuable Player. Had Bob Stanley been able to nail down that elusive third out in the 10th inning of Game Six, Hurst would have been immortalized as the MVP. As it was, the honor was rescinded when the Mets completed their comeback and forced Game Seven. Hurst will be at Fenway tonight.

 

 

The above names highlight just a very few of the potential participants in this reunion of dubious merit. Sometimes the past is best left undisturbed, especially considering Boston's recent run of outstanding baseball. I don't want to be the one to suggest any correlation between 1986 and 2006. Hopefully, for Red Sox fans, the baseball Gods just aren't paying attention to Fenway the next three nights.

----------So Roger Clemens was zipping fastballs past his son Koby during his first workout after signing with Houston for the rest of the season. That must go a long way toward reassuring the Astros their money is being well-spent. If Clemens faces a team of 19 year-old first-year professionals during the September stretch run, he will be untouchable.  

 

 

----------Here's a brain-teaser for you. I saw the end of the National Spelling Bee Thursday night on ABC (I know, I know, spelling is not a sport. Too bad, it's my post and if I had to watch it I'm at least going to get some mileage out of it). How is it possible that a Canadian girl was one of the final two contestants in the "National Spelling Bee?" It turns out students from any country where English is spoken are eligible. Wouldn't that make it the World Spelling Bee? Why is it the World Series is limited to teams from the U.S. and Canada, but the National Spelling Bee is open to anyone in the world?

 

  

----------Last week Washington Nationals manager Frank Robinson broke down in tears during his postgame press conference after having to remove catcher Matthew LeCroy in the middle of an inning. LeCroy had allowed seven stolen bases and made two throwing errors. Given how poorly the Nationals have played this season, it's a wonder Robinson isn't crying after every game. And what does that say about Kansas City manager Buddy Bell? If Robinson is in tears when he's ten games under .500, shouldn't Bell be having a hysterical fit or something with the Royals 27 games under?

 

 

----------The Boston Bruins are rapidly becoming the laughingstock of the NHL, which is like being the heaviest chick at the fat farm. First the Bruins trade away the MVP-caliber Joe Thornton. Then they miss the playoffs, which is not easy to do. You almost have to forget to show up to miss the playoffs in the NHL. Then they fire general manager Mike O'Connell, ignoring the fact that since they are so bad and have an owner unwilling to spend the money required to field a contender they might struggle to find a replacement. Finally, they find a suitable candidate for the GM position in Peter Chiarelli. Problem is, he's under contract in Ottawa until July 15. So, the Bruins have a GM who will be working for someone else the next six weeks. Amazing.

----------We are now one-third of the way through the major league season and still no managers have been fired. I figure as soon as one gets it, the axe is going to fall on probably three or four more in rapid succession.

 

----------The big controversy at the Memorial, at least in the early rounds, was over the bunker rakes. Jack Nicklaus wanted to make the bunkers more punitive, so the rakes were supplied with two inches between the tines rather than the usual one inch. The result? It's much more difficult for the players to make the ball do what they want it to do when they're playing out of the sand. Jeez. All the equipment advances in recent years making the game easier for the pros, and the players cry about bunker rakes. I wonder what Bobby Jones would have had to say about that?

 

 

----------Do you think Dontelle Willis is counting the hours until he gets released from the prison that has become the Florida Marlins? I don't know where he's going to end up, but wherever it is, it's bound to be a better situation than the one he's in right now.

I am not a big believer in conspiracy theories. I'm not convinced there was a second shooter in Dallas. I don't think you would find alien skeletons if you were able to prowl through Area 51 in the Nevada desert. United Flight 93 wasn't shot down over Pennsylvania by two U.S fighter jets. Most of these so-called plots would involve a level of secrecy our stumbling, bumbling government is just not capable of. Nope. Not realistic.

Having said that, I must confess to a sneaking su####ion that Houston Astros management may have snookered everyone else in major league baseball with a level of foresight not usually demonstrated by anyone other than the Donald Trumps and the Bill Gates's of the world.

Is it possible that the Astros used the 254th pick in the July, 2005 draft to ensure they would have the best chance at re-signing one of the ten to fifteen best pitchers in the history of the game? I believe it's not only possible, but in fact quite likely. Let's examine why.

Reason #1: Roger Clemens has retired more often than the Rolling Stones, and has gone on nearly as many farewell tours. Probably the only reason George Steinbrenner didn't demand the car back that he gave to Clemens in 2003 as a retirement gift is that he doesn't want people to remember he gave Clemens a Hummer. Is it so farfetched to think that the Astros suspected Roger's re-retirement after last season might just be a reversible situation? If that's the case, what better way to lure the sure first-ballot Hall of Famer back to Houston than by drafting his son?

Reason #2: Major league baseball teams use late-round draft picks for other-than-strictly-on-the-field motives all the time. Maybe it's to do a favor for a club employee who has been a loyal member of the organization for a long time. Sometimes it actually works to the team's advantage. Remember back in 1991 as a favor to Tommy Lasorda the Dodgers drafted his godson? Some kid named Pizza or something. Oh yeah, Piazza, that was it. Who's to say the Astros didn't think ahead and draft Koby Clemens with an eye toward keeping Dear Old Dad in the fold should he decide to play this season?

Reason #3: It's common knowledge how much Clemens' family means to him. When he left Boston after the 1996 season it was for the expressed purpose of going somewhere closer to his family in Texas. So what if he went through Toronto and then New Yok first, he did end up closer to his family in the end, right? Seriously, he has always made it clear how much family means to him, so for the Houston front office to use that knowledge to gain a little leverage on the star pitcher would not be too hard to believe, would it?

Face it folks, in retrospect the whole ridiculous Clemens chase, where four teams lined up to throw themselves at him like high school boys trying to get the cute cheerleader into the back seat, may have been a done deal from the beginning. Looking back, why would Clemens go anywhere else? He has a sweet deal in Houston. He doesn't have to go on the road unless he's going to pitch in the series. He's near his home and family. The amount of money he's making is meaningless to a guy who has made as much as he has, other than as a way to validate his place in the game's history.

Combine all those things with the possibility of being in the same dugout as his son, and you have a strategy employed to perfection by Drayton McClain and company. Don't think a September callup of Koby Clemens is outside the realm of possibility either. If it means Papa Bear will be kept happy, it will certainly happen. Anybody remember Ken Griffey junior and senior sharing the same clubhouse at the beginning/end of their respective careers? I'll bet Roger does.

This is not to say Koby Clemens is not a prospect, I have no idea. Certainly he has the pedigree. If he's anything like his dad, he's big and athletic and knows how to play the game. However, that's something which can be said about any of hundreds, maybe even thousands of high school and college baseball players in the U.S. and other countries where the game is played. And yet he ended up in the Houston organization. Interesting.

Congratulations, Houston Astros. The plan worked to perfection. Roger Clemens is happy, presumably healthy, and perhaps ready to tip the balance of power in the National League Wild Card race, if not the Central Division. If Koby Clemens never does anything else to help Houston to another World Series, he's already done plenty, even if he doesn't know it.

Now, could you get to work on that Area 51 thing? I know the truth is out there.

Recently, I was at my old Aunt Esmerelda's house for my weekly brunch/tea leaf reading. Poor Aunt Esmie doesn't get many visitors, since most of the family feel she's nutty as a fruitcake, but I like her. She understands me. Plus, she serves one mean bacon and mushroom quiche.

Anyway, Esmerelda's eyesight isn't what it used to be, and instead of drinking from her cream soda, she accidentally sipped from her goblet filled with tea leaves soaking in rainwater. As she was rinsing her mouth out with ginger water in the bathroom, I decided to take a peek at the goblet. Just a peek.

Oddly, what I saw weren't fortunes at all, they were lost and found entries from some newspaper. I wasn't too sure what they all meant, but here they are. Maybe you can figure them out.

* * * * * *

**********LOST: One home run stroke. Last seen on May 7 leaving Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. I've been searching desperately for my stroke. Also known to go by the names of Dinger, Tater, Blast, Bomb, Round-Tripper, Big Fly, Four-Bagger and others. Needed badly, I can't go on much longer without it. Have cash, will pay big money for return of home run stroke, no questions asked. Call 555-JUCE and ask for Barry.


**********FOUND: Winning attitude, says it belongs in Los Angeles, but never seen in this part of the city before. Keeps repeating something like "Lakes," or possibly "Lakers." Contact us quickly at www.laclippers.com or we're keeping it.


**********LOST: Intimidation and swagger, sometime over this past winter. Last seen while I was intimidating my 16 year old unacknowledged daughter by threatening to sue her mother, haven't scared anyone since. If seen, approach carefully. Call 555-UNIT before my season is a total loss. Please.


**********LOST: Large #### of cash, somewhere around $50 million to $60 million. Had it when I entered the Vegas city limits and now it's gone. Possibly misplaced in Caesar's Palace, Tropicana, Wynn, MGM Grand, Bally's, Bellagio, New York New York, Mirage or other casino. Not too sure, I was drinking at the time. Will consider reward for return of cash - say free golf lessons? Call 555-FOOL and ask for John. Not too early please, I like to sleep late.


**********FOUND: New home in Boston. Friendly Monster in yard. Having double the fun here I had in Florida. No number to call because I'm never going back. HAH! Mike Lowell.


**********LOST: Baseball games and fans. Lots of them. We're sorry that we're sorry. Please come back, we're major leaguers too, sort of. RSVP to www.royals.com . P.S. We used to win a lot.


**********LOST: 1) Temper. 2) Control of bat. 3) Job - at least for fifty games.
**********FOUND: Lots of free time. I'm discovering this isn't an even exchange. Can't wait to get to big leagues, where they don't suspend you for throwing things at umpires. Just ask Bernie Williams. Looking for pen pal to help pass all the free time. Write to Delmon, at www.durhambulls.com.


**********LOST: "L" out of first name. I like to think I'm a wily character, but wish to be known as Willy Mo. If found, please return my "L" to Wily Mo, at www.bostonredsox.com.


**********LOST: That lovin' feeling. Can't stand Barry Bonds, because he's mean to people. Plus he wants to hit home run(s) off me. Not just any home run(s), but big, historic one(s). Please return that lovin' feeling to Russ Springer, www.astros.mlb.com. I'd like it back for when we're not playing the Giants.

* * * * * *

Well, there you have it. Strange, huh?

In case you missed the latest breathless media update on the Roger Clemens saga, the Houston Chronicle is reporting that - are you ready for this? - all four of Clemens' boys, ranging in age from 19 to 9, are okay with him pitching in the majors this year! In related stories, the boys all wish for world peace, an end to partisan politics in this country, and gas prices back under $2.00 per gallon, since the current outrageous prices are making it practically impossible to plan where they want to take the family jet for vacation.

The whole Roger Clemens will-he-or-won't-he-and-if-he-does-who-will-he-do-
it-with thing has gone from just plain ridiculous to a full-fledged three act play in the theatre of the absurd. From Boston producing a Rocket highlight DVD just in case he's forgotten his two twenty-strikeout games (I'm guessing former GM Dan Duquette's "He's in the twilight of his career" comment got left on the cutting-room floor), to Drayton McClaine's drooling hero worship, to Roger's own tour of all the affected cities and clubhouses, it didn't seem possible that this soap opera could get any sillier. Now this.

I, for one, would like to take this opportunity to thank Barry Bonds for either taking or not taking steroids and for staging his assault on the Ruth home run mark in the middle o####rand three-ring circus. If it weren't for the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Barry Circus, this Clemens story would be blown even more out of proportion than it currently is, which is really saying something.

It's clearly a big story in the world of sports when a pitcher who has won 341 games and finished last season with the kind of incredible numbers that the Rocket did decides he might want to come back and pitch in the big leagues again. It becomes an even more compelling story when that pitcher is a free agent and can sign with any team he chooses, potentially tipping the balance of power in either league to whatever team wins the Rocket Sweepstakes.

But maybe, just maybe, everyone needs to take a deep breath and contemplate the elusive nature of reality when a newspaper story reports, with wide-eyed earnestness, the following: "Although Clemens will ultimately make his own decision, it would be much easier for him with the blessing of his wife Debbie and their four children. Clemens reportedly is considering allowing his youngest son, Kody, to negotiate the terms of his deal as a reward for the boy cleaning his room last week."

Okay, I made up the last sentence above, but does that make the entire quote any more absurd than leaving it out? It's wonderful that Roger Clemens has such a close family and that he is including them in his decision-making process, but how exactly is that a news story?

When Clemens finally does announce which team has won the right to throw truckloads of money at him, will we be treated to a follow-up feature on the four Clemens boys and what role each of them played in dear old Dad's decision? Maybe we could get reactions from each of them after every Clemens start - "Dad looked a little tired out there tonight, I think it might be my fault. We were up late last night planning the family vacation to Aruba. But on the bright side, he says we can still take the jet even though gas prices are so high!"

After reading the Houston Chronicle story, which didn't take long since it was only four paragraphs, I was left with one thought: I'm sure glad I don't live in Houston. First Reggie Bush and now this.

Everyone likes to enjoy fine dining at a nice restaurant once in a while. That's why I've decided to offer, free of charge, the following review of a local dining establishment right in your neighborhood. It's called the All-American Sports Cafe, and they offer a number of different choices, from breakfast around the clock featuring their award-winning Paul Coffee (Good and strong, but a little old), to delicious full-course meals.

Here are some of the choices which stand out. You may have some favorites which aren't listed here, or you may have had a different dining experience with the selections on the list. If so, don't hesitate to add your own thoughts, which will only expand this restaurant review and make it that much more complete.

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The Barry Bonds/Balco Bar : An extensive selection of health drinks designed to add to your physique; to give you that cut, chiseled look that everyone desires. There's something here for everyone who wants to get juiced!

The Duke Lacrosse Omelette : Not the All-American Sports Cafe's most popular item. When you're finished, you know something bad went do