Recurring Migraines Will Keep Dolphins Fans Out - Miami Dolphins middle linebacker Zach Thomas will miss the team's upcoming loss to Buffalo Sunday due to recurring migraines. After suffering whiplash in a car accident driving home from a game October 21, Thomas has been plagued by migraines similar to the ones which have crippled Dolphin fans everywhere.

"It's too painful to attend 'Fins games anymore," said an anonymous source close to the team. "After a while the beatings get so bad it's hard to see straight. Zach was in a car wreck? This whole season's been a car wreck! I'm going out right now to drive like a maniac; maybe I'll get in a car accident so I can miss the rest of the season too."

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Vikings Fine Wide Receiver for Attending Funeral - Minnesota wide receiver Troy Williamson has been advised by the team that he will be docked one day's pay for missing three practices last week as well as the Vikings game Sunday against San Diego. He was absent in order to attend the funeral of his grandmother.

Coach Brad Childress addressed the issue head-on, saying, "It's a business principle, organizationally. We can't have people running around willy-nilly attending funerals and such. What does he think this is, anyway, a party boat?"

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Ray of Hope in Tampa - New uniforms and a new name are the order of the day for the American League baseball franchise that will now be known as the Tampa Bay Rays. Principal owner of the club formerly known as the Devil Rays, Stuart Sternberg, said the team took more than 1000 name suggestions from fans and whittled the list down to eighty, before eventually ignoring them all and settling for the obvious choice.

Sternberg said the Rays, who have had a devil of a time competing in the American League East since entering the league ten years ago, were looking for a new start and decided the new name and new uniforms were the way to go. "It's a hell of a lot cheaper than actually going out and getting some real pitchers to support Scott Kazmir," said the owner.

Meanwhile, players, manager Joe Maddon and team advisor Don Zimmer modeled the new uniforms during a rally at a downtown park celebrating the changes. Reaction was mixed. As one reveler said, "Couldn't they have gotten real models, you know like Hooters girls or something? I came expecting to see babes in the new uniforms, and instead I have to watch Don Zimmer parading around? I mean, come on, I'm a Rays fan, haven't I suffered enough?"

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Davydenko Again Accused of Not Trying, This Time by Wife - The man who has twice faced accusations of intentionally tanking tennis matches within the last few weeks, today faces an even more serious charge. According to confidential documents acquired by Halfbaked Ravings, Irina Davydenko claims her husband is not the lover he used to be.

"Nikolay has taken this not trying thing too far. It's one thing to get money for throwing a tennis match, but I have needs, and I'm not going to stand for all this double-faulting in the bedroom, if you get my drift. I don't mean to complain, but would it kill him to hit it long for a change?"