A new trend has sprung up seemingly overnight in the normally staid NFL, an organization where change usually holds all the appeal of an all-you-can-eat steak dinner to Paris Hilton. Suddenly teams are holding on to assistant coaches they feel are in danger of being plucked for the head jobs in other cities by giving them a sexy new title and substantial raises.
"Head Coach In Waiting." This sounds like a job you could sink your teeth into, doesn't it? You get nearly all the exposure that the head coach gets, not to mention nearly all the money, with little or none of the risk. The team screws up? It's the head coach who walks the plank, not the head coach in waiting, and before the poor guy who used to be your boss hits the water, you're now the man with the plan, the big cheese.
In Indianapolis, longtime assistant Jim Caldwell has been handed the plum title, as has offensive coordinator Jason Garrett in Dallas. Tony Dungy in Indianapolis no doubt has little concern about the possibility of being pushed out by his "Assistant Head Coach," both due to the fact that Dungy has achieved almost legendary status as a head coach as well as the fact that he says he has no intention of coaching much longer anyway.
But in Dallas, how comfortable can Wade Phillips be knowing his replacement has already been picked out and is hauling down a paycheck almost as big as his? Phillips has only been in town one year himself, and he doesn't exactly work for an owner who is known for having lots of patience. Jerry Jones is no Dan Snyder, but he's a man who has to be disappointed that his team, the top seed in the NFC, got knocked off at home in their first playoff game of 2007 and that his team hasn't won a playoff game of any kind in thirteen years.
For Garrett, on the other hand, it's an ideal situation. He can continue to learn and soak up information for when his turn to steer the boat arrives, and when it does, he inherits a much better situation than he would have in either Washington or Atlanta. In the meantime, he gets paid like a head coach, better than many, in fact, and doesn't have to deal with any of the hassles of the job.
Where do I apply? Surely there's a team somewhere that doesn't mind that I've never actually played football, unless you count splitting my knee open on a rock when my best friend took me down with an open-field tackle in the front yard when we were ten years old. Never coached football either. Of course I did lead the Patriots to an undefeated season in Madden 2003.
But I can stand on the sideline with a clipboard and look grave, covering my mouth with the board when saying anything so that none of the television cameras or spying teams can figure out what I'm saying, even if it's only "You want cream and sugar with that, coach?" I can shake my head and yell and scream when a bad call goes against my team, and give instructions to players who will only ignore what I say anyway, at least they will if they know what's good for them.
So if you're an NFL owner and you think I fit the bill; if you think maybe I have what it takes to be your next "Head Coach in Waiting," call me. As much fun as blogging is, I might be persuaded to come and work for you if the deal can be structured properly. Okay, Ill be honest - if you'll pay me, I'm there. Are you listening, Arthur Blank? I've never been to Atlanta, but I'm sure it's beautiful.
- What is the over/under on how many Cowboy losses it will take next fall before the "Fire Phillips" bandwagon gets rolling full steam? Three? One? Jason Garrett has completed his whirlwind head coaching interview tour and decided to stay in Dallas as Assistant Head Coach at a salary close to the $3 million a year Wade Phillips makes. Maybe Phillips isn't walking the plank just yet, but he must feel the swords nudging him in the back, at least a little.
- Does Dallas have the best strip clubs of any NFL city, or just the most? Pacman Jones, the man who can't seem to stay out of the fine establishments, or even stay out of trouble when he's in them, has said he would like to leave Tennessee and move on to the Cowboys. This from a guy who isn't even guaranteed a reinstatement to the NFL by Roger Goodell unless he can show he is able to stay out of trouble. His record of six arrests in less than three years says that's not a winning bet.
- Does Peyton Manning go to younger brother Eli now for advice about playing the quarterback position? And will the chairs for Sunday dinner at the Archie Manning residence get moved around at all now that Eli is still in the Super Bowl hunt and Peyton is playing golf? Does Eli get to sit at the adult table and Peyton at the card table with the kiddies?
- Wouldn't it be funny if Anny Grant, the young girl who was booed at the RCA Dome for wearing a Patriots jersey last Sunday, wore a Colts jersey to Gillette Stadium this afternoon? She earned a lot of admirers for her good-natured response to her Indianapolis reception, including Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who invited her and her entire family to be his guest at the AFC Championship game in Foxboro. She reportedly will take part in the pregame coin toss. Imagine the stunned silence if she were to walk out on the field in a Peyton Manning jersey....just a thought.
- Is Roger Clemens regretting his quick boast that he would be happy to testify at a Congressional hearing on the steroids mess? After seeing what happened with Congress and Miguel Tejada, who isn't even in the country right now, you would think the last place Clemens would want to be is Capitol Hill. He can retain all the ex-Clinton lawyers he wants, but they won't be able to protect him much if he perjures himself.
- Will the fact that the Packers practiced this week with frozen footballs give them a leg up on the Giants at frigid Lambeau Field tonight? The temperature will be close to zero by gametime, so you can be sure there will be plenty of frozen balls in Green Bay. And if practicing with frozen footballs results in a win for the Packers, will they use frozen turkeys next time, figuring more is better?
- Will the Atlanta Falcons ever be able to convince anyone to accept their vacant head coaching position? The latest to interview for the job is Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier. Is the man trying to punish himself for some unknown transgression? Regardless, even the Miami Dolphins now have a head man, and they won only one game last year.
- Are the San Diego Chargers screwed if Philip Rivers can't play or goes down against New England? Absolutely not. If you compare career statistics for Rivers and Billy Volek, the Chargers backup, you find they are remarkably similar in many respects, such as the following:
Games played - Rivers 36, Volek 30
Completion percentage - Rivers 60.8%, Volek 59.7%
Touchdown percentage and interception percentage - Rivers 4.6% and 2.6%, Volek 4.9% and 2.6%
Yards per attempt - Rivers 7.0, Volek 6.6
Quarterback rating - Rivers 86.6, Volek 84.9
In short, the Chargers are better off with Rivers thanks to intangibles like his fiery attitude. Plus, it's debatable how much Volek would be affected by the rust of not having played a lot besides the fourth quarter last week - the Patriots have been known to confuse guys with a lot more game experience than Volek.
But if push comes to shove and Rivers is unable to go, San Diego has a guy who is more than capable of running the team, as he proved last weekend in the big comeback against Indianapolis.
As I try to recover from the beating I took from all the comments on yesterday's post roasting me when I had the nerve to posit the theory that a young girl was tougher than Cowboys star Terrell Owens - I still believe it, by the way - the calendar reminds me it's almost Sunday and therefore almost time for the NFL's conference championship games.
Since I made a fool of myself last week, picking wrong on three of the four games, I might just as well go all the way and pick again. Maybe I'll get lucky and avoid looking so bad this week with my picks. I'll tell you one thing, though. If I do really badly with my predictions, I'm pretty sure it will be okay if I cry, as long as I do it on camera and I'm somehow associated with the Dallas Cowboys.
Here are the updated records for the four teams left in the Super Bowl hunt against quality opposition, which I define as any opponent having a record of better than .500:
1) New England Patriots 8-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 4-1 (.800)
3) San Diego Chargers 4-3 (.571)
4) New York Giants 3-5 (.375)
These numbers make it appear that both games should be runaway victories for the home teams, the Packers and the Patriots. But in this case I'm not sure it's fair to infer that, since all four teams have proven themselves worthy against tough competition by this point in the year, including the Giants, whose last three games against quality opposition have all been wins.
Another factor to consider are the teams' home and road records, which are as follows:
1) New England Patriots at home: 9-0 (1.000)
2) New York Giants on the road: 9-1 (.900)
3) Green Bay Packers at home: 8-1 (.889)
4) San Diego Chargers on the road: 5-4 (.556)
Those are some interesting numbers right there. Winning on the road in the NFL is almost universally agreed to be one of the toughest things to do, and yet the Giants have gone an incredible 9-1 away from Jersey. In fact, the last time New York lost a road game was way back on September 9, the first game of the season!
Even the Chargers relatively unimpressive road record is a bit deceiving, since they started out 1-4 on the road and have since won their last four road games in a row, including last week's hard-fought win at the RCA Dome. San Diego hasn't lost a game on the road since before Thanksgiving.
So what does it all mean? Obviously, something's got to give, but I don't buy the 14 point spread in the San Diego-New England game, even if neither Philip Rivers nor LaDainian Tomlinson can play, which at this point seems unlikely.
Here's what I see happening:
AFC: Patriots 27, Chargers 21
NFC: Packers 17, Giants 14
Given my laskluster performance in picking the games last week, people in San Diego and New York should be jumping for joy right now. I fully admit to being a Patriots fan, although I've tried not to let it affect my picks. Who's to say whether it has?
Here's the thing, though. Although I have a dog in this fight (Sorry about that, Michael Vick), fans of all four teams should be excited about the games. Remember to have fun watching - fans of 28 other teams would love to be where your team is right now!
People seem to have this stereotype of professional football players as big, tough he-men, supermen almost, and why wouldn't they? It's difficult to get a true appreciation for how big these guys are when you see them on TV, since they're all equally mammoth so it skews the perspective, almost like listening to a presidential debate.
But if you've ever seen an NFL player up close, say walking through an airport or stealing your girlfriend, you begin to get a real appreciation for just how big these people really are. Their forearms are bigger than your thighs; hell, if you're anything like me, their wrists are probably bigger than your thighs. Unless of course we're talking about the placekicker, in which you can disregard all of the above.
Anyway, when you see how big NFL players really are, you naturally assume they are tough as nails, and in a lot of cases this is undoubtedly true (Quick aside - when I was in college, a backup linebacker lived in my dorm, and this guy used to routinely smash chips out of the building's concrete block construction using nothing but his head! And this was a backup player on a college team).
Leave it to Terrell Owens to break another perception barrier, shattering our notion of football players as semi-indestructible automatons by weeping like a little girl after the Dallas Cowboys lost to the New York Giants at home last Sunday. And what caused the tears to flow? It wasn't the trauma of losing the game, everyone knows T.O. isn't the most team-oriented guy in the world. Rather, it was the thought that, sniff, sob, the team's quarterback, Tony Romo, would be forced to shoulder a disproportionate share of the blame.
Oh, the humanity! The sheer unfairness of it all! But guess what, T.O.? That's the way it is in sports. Always has been, always will be. Being the quarterback in football is like being the pitcher in baseball or the goaltender in hockey - if your team loses, you get to be the goat. This is the flip side of the disproportionate adulation those guys get when they win; why Tony Romo dates Jessica Simpson while his offensive linemen have to settle for Romo buying them a steak dinner if he so chooses.
But finally we get to my point, which I almost forgot about. Anny Grant, a fourteen year old girl no one had ever heard of five days ago, is now the subject of national media attention for being the anti-T.O. When booed by a stadium full of rabid Colts fans at the RCA Dome for wearing a Patriots jersey while being honored as a Punt, Pass and Kick winner, this little girl shrugged off the negative attention with a smile.
Terrell Owens, big, tough football player, can't make it through a media session without weeping like #### Vermeil at a poetry reading, and this young girl shrugs off a reception from 60,000 screaming people that most of us would find at least a little disconcerting.
What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Not much, really, but maybe the put-down people use, when they say so-and-so cried like a little girl, needs to be reworked and updated. How about this? "Joe cried like T.O. when he got that speeding ticket. It was a riot!"
The amazing thing about Terrell Owens' crying jag in front of the media isn't so much that he did it, but rather that he showed some empathy for someone other than, well, Terrell Owens. For a man almost universally believed to be in love with himself, this was an incredible display, one which I'm pretty sure signals the impending apocalypse.
If so, we could all be running out of time, but before I begin attempting to explain to my maker my reasoning for all of the missteps I've made over the last 48 years, let's get something straight.
Tony Romo was stupid to go to Cabo with Jessica Simpson for a few days during the Cowboys bye week, but not because it had anything whatsoever to do with Dallas losing that game to the New York Giants. Players routinely scatter to all corners of the country when given time off by the coaching staff and nobody was the least bit concerned about where, say, Terence Newman went on his off days and who he spent time with.
But as the quarterback for America's Team, Romo had to understand he would be held to a different standard if Dallas did not win a home playoff game against the Giants, a team they had beaten twice already this season.
The notoriety that comes with his position is a double-edged sword. The same recognition and hero-worship that allows him to get Hollywood cuties like Simpson and Carrie Underwood with barely more than a snap of the fingers makes him the Number One Target of the fans' venom when that Hollywood ending everyone is expecting does not materialize.
If Romo had spent his time off in his apartment manipulating his joystick playing Madden 2008, no one would now be questioning his judgment, at least not his off-field judgment.
But here's the thing people should remember about Tony Romo: He's a second-year starter in the NFL, where it often takes quarterbacks years to gain the experience necessary to win in the postseason. Sure there are exceptions like Tom Brady, but it's not at all unusual for even future Hall of Famers to struggle in their first few playoff appearances.
Here are Romo's numbers for his first two playoff appearances, both losses:
You could play this game all day, but the point is this. Each of the above-mentioned quarterbacks eventually made it to a Super Bowl, with Elway winning two and Simms one. Marino lost in his only Super Bowl appearance but is widely and rightly regarded as one of the best quarterbacks ever. But the numbers for all of these greats indicate an inconsistency that should be expected from a relatively inexperienced quarterback.
So T.O. can cry all he wants, as can Cowboy fans everywhere, but maybe you should hold off on passing judgement on Tony Romo. He is only two games into what should be a long playoff career. He may or may not eventually become what people seem to think he is right now, someone who can't win the big one, but it is simply too early to make that kind of determination.
As someone said in one of the seemingly thousands of stories I've read since Sunday night about the upcoming NFL Divisional Round playoff games, we are now down to probably the eight best teams in the league for this season.
Since it is a given that any given team can beat any other given team on any given Sunday, provided of course the Dolphins aren't one of those teams, it becomes even more important to look at the numbers if you want to attempt to divine who will be the four teams competing next weekend in the Conference Championship games.
My theory is that by this point in the year, after a sixteen game regular season and one round of playoffs, the record that a team has forged against quality competition, that is, any team with a record over .500 for the season, will be as good an indicator as any of how that team will fare in games against, well, quality opposition, which is what all eight of the remaining teams are.
This theory worked pretty well last week, allowing me to go four for four with picks on the Wild Card Round. Here are the updated numbers for each of the remaining teams in the playoffs, and how they fared against teams with a record of at least 9-8 this season:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
3) Dallas Cowboys 4-2 (.667)
4) Jacksonville Jaguars 5-3 (.625)
5) Indianapolis Colts 4-3 (.571)
6) San Diego Chargers 3-3 (.500)
7) Seattle Seahawks 2-2 (.500)
8) New York Giants 2-5 (.286)
If you read my previous "By the Numbers" post, published before last weekend's games, you may remember that these numbers are skewed just a bit by the fact that Indianapolis and Dallas both lost games against quality opposition in the final week of the regular season when the games had no bearing on their playoff scenarios. So if you eliminate those two losses for those teams, the list now looks a little more representative of what I believe to be realistic numbers:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Dallas Cowboys 4-1 (.800)
3) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
4) Indianapolis Colts 4-2 (.667)
5) Jacksonville Jaguars 5-3 (.625)
6) San Diego Chargers 3-3 (.500)
7) Seattle Seahawks 2-2 (.500)
8) New York Giants 2-5 (.286)
A couple of items stand out right away. The Giants, although many people are picking them to upset Dallas thanks to their impressive road record this season and fine showing last week against Tampa Bay, will fall easily to the Cowboys. Dallas has not played particularly well the last few weeks, but Eli Manning is still too inconsistent to play a second road game in two weeks against a tough defense to advance.
All the other games look tough and close. Based on those numbers and a couple of other observations, here are the results you can expect this weekend:
Saturday, NFC: Seahawks 24, Packers 20 I know I picked Seattle for an early exit, but they showed a lot, especially on defense last week. Plus, Brett Favre, for as great a season as he has had, has been less impressive the last few weeks, protecting the ball with less enthusiasm than he did earlier in the year. I see a big turnover from Favre late in the game.
Saturday, AFC: Patriots 27, Jaguars 14 I like the Jags and I like David Garrard. He might just be the best quarterback nobody really knows in the NFL. But this isn't their year, New England's offense is just too explosive.
Sunday, AFC: Colts 35, Chargers 21 San Diego had one of the best second halves of the season of any team in the NFL, but I'm not sold on Philip Rivers yet in a big game against Peyton Manning and the Colts, in the RCA Dome.
When do you suppose Miami Dolphins ex-head coach Cam Cameron reached the inescapable conclusion that he was going to be fired? The deed was done January 3 by new General Manager Jeff Ireland, who made it his first major move after being hired a couple of days before by new Vice President of Football Operations Bill Parcells, but surely he must have known long before the New Year that his goose was cooked.
Was it when he finally won his first and only game as an NFL head coach, in the middle of December? Or was it when Jason Taylor was asked about his head coach's future and gave a less-than-stirring show of support? Maybe it was when an already thin lineup saw important cogs like Ronnie Brown, Trent Green and Zach Thomas go down with injuries. Perhaps it was when he realized the best hope at running back was Ricky Williams, a guy who had been out of the NFL for years, then got his chance for a comeback and went down with a season-ending injury in his first game back.
Or maybe it was even farther back than that. Maybe Cam Cameron knew he was in trouble the day he walked into the Dolphins headquarters and looked at his choices at quarterback: Trent Green, a capable veteran but also a walking concussion waiting to happen, Cleo Lemon, an unheralded journeyman, and John Beck, a raw rookie.
Do you suppose he sat behind his desk sometime during his first week on the job, waited until everyone had gone home, and then closed his office door and put his head in his hands, wondering why in the hell he had ever left San Diego, where he had spent five seasons as a highly successful offensive coordinator? Did he put in a call to Bobby Petrino to get the ins and outs of abandoning a job that wasn't turning out the way he had planned, or did he just accept the inevitable, and do his best to try to at least achieve one win before being ushered out of town?
If you've ever seen the movie The Princess Bride, no doubt you immediately recognized, as I did, the parallels between poor Coach Cameron's situation in Miami and young Westley, the servant boy in the movie who was captured by the Dread Pirate Roberts on the high seas and forced to go to work on the pirate's ship to try to avoid execution.
Every night poor Westley was sent to bed with the same refrain from the murderous pirate - "Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Of course, that's where the movie diverges significantly from the real-life tale playing out in Miami. In The Princess Bride, the Dread Pirate Roberts eventually retires from the seafaring life, handing the pirating reigns over to Westley, who steps into Roberts's boots and becomes the new Dread Pirate.
In Miami, a coastal city that's no stranger to piracy in its own right, the role of the Dread Pirate Roberts was filled on December 27 by the Dread Pirate Parcells, who wasted no time executing Cameron as Westley, probably without even the small courtesy of the warning that Westley received in the movie.
Realistically, though, a guy like Cameron has been around the game long enough to know 1-15 wasn't going to cut it in a city with a rich history of football success and a proud tradition in the NFL. As soon as Parcells made a former Dallas crony his first hire as GM, he must have known his head would be the next one lying on the chopping block.
So what happens now for the man who has a career record as a head coach in the NFL of 1-15? It's not known as a league where guys get recycled unless they've been successful somewhere at some point. A coordinator's job is the most likely answer, as that is the role he filled with success in San Diego.
But it's not likely his future will be as bright as that of Westley, who, in addition to becoming the Dread Pirate Roberts, eventually won over the heart of the Princess of the movie's title, living happily ever after and riding off into the sunset, preserved forever on celluloid.
It's finally NFL playoff time. The long, drawn out first act is over and it's time to move on to the speed round, where one bad game can mean months of regret and a team that gets hot at the right time can win it all.
There were plenty of surprises during the regular season, both pleasant ones and disappointments. The Bears, one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance, had their flaws exposed and finished just 7-9, tied with the Lions for last place in the NFC North. Likewise, the Saints, possibly the surprise of the year last year, slipped to 7-9 as well.
On the plus side of the surprise ledger, the Green Bay Packers rode their defense and the aging arm of Brett Favre to an impressive 13-3 mark and the second seed in the NFC, and in the AFC, the Cleveland Browns finished a surprising 10-6, tying Pittsburgh for first place in the North, although they fell victim to a numbers game and missed the playoffs entirely.
Now, though, the time has come to handicap the field of the twelve remaining teams as the annual tournament starts. For my money, the best way to judge a team's potential in a single-elimination format against the best of the best is to review their performance during the season against quality opposition, which I define as any team with a record better than .500, or any team that finished 9-7 or better.
This year, that group includes all the playoff teams plus the hard-luck Cleveland Browns. So, without further ado, here is each playoff team's record against quality opposition in 2007:
1) New England Patriots 7-0 (1.000)
2) Green Bay Packers 3-1 (.750)
3) Dallas Cowboys 4-2 (.667)
4) Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2 (.600)
5) Indianapolis Colts 4-3 (.571)
5) Jacksonville Jaguars 4-3 (.571)
7) San Diego Chargers 2-3 (.400)
7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-3 (.400)
9) Tennessee Titans 2-4 (.333)
10) Seattle Seahawks 1-2 (.333)
11) Washington Redskins 2-5 (.286)
12) New York Giants 1-5 (.167)
A couple of things should be considered when looking at these numbers. The Colts and Cowboys both lost games against quality opponents in Week 17 who were fighting for their playoff lives, while neither team had anything but pride to play for. The value of those losses is questionable when applying the numbers to the playoffs, so if you eliminate them, the Cowboys improve to 4-1 against quality opposition, the second-best mark in the NFL, and the Colts improve to 4-2, moving them up to fourth.
Teams who should be especially concerned looking at those numbers include the Giants, who won only one game all year against a quality opponent, and the Seahawks, who played just three games all season against the best of the best, winning just one, that all the way back on September 9. The Steelers should also be hearing footsteps, as they started out 3-0 against quality opponents, before losing their last two. That, plus the injury bug which has hit Pittsburgh hard, will mean a short playoff run for the Steelers.
The second thing to consider when looking at playoff matchups is the difficulty of each team's schedule. A team that finished 10-6 with a difficult schedule should be better-prepared to face the rigors of the playoffs than a team with an identical record that played a lot of cupcakes.
To determine how tough each playoff contender's schedule was, I ranked every NFL franchise from 1 to 32 based on record. Teams with identical records were sorted by point differential, so the Bucs get ranked just ahead of the Redskins even though they both finished 9-7, by virtue of the fact that they outscored their opponents by a cumulative 64 points as opposed to only 24 for the 'Skins.
Once the teams were ranked 1-32, I went through each playoff contender's schedule game by game and added up the value of each opponent over the course of the season. The higher the final number, the more difficult the overall schedule. The results are surprising in some ways and not in others. Here are the results for each team's strength of schedule:
1) Washington Redskins 300
2) Jacksonville Jaguars 271
3) Indianapolis Colts 268
4) Tennessee Titans 267
5) New York Giants 264
6) Dallas Cowboys 258
7) New England Patriots 254
8) San Diego Chargers 248
9) Green Bay Packers 237
10) Tampa Bay Buccaneers 235
11) Pittsburgh Steelers 229
12) Seattle Seahawks 205
In terms of degree of difficulty, there is a huge difference between the schedule faced by the Washington Redskins and that faced by the Seahawks. In fact, mathematically speaking, the Redskins schedule was almost 10% tougher than any other playoff team.
But what does that mean? In one sense, you could say Washington is battle-hardened. On the other hand, having a difficult schedule isn't necessarily all that beneficial if you only go 2-5 against the best the opposition has to offer, as the 'Skins did.
By the same token, the fact that Seattle played a much easier schedule than anyone else doesn't necessarily mean they won't fare well in the playoffs - it's not their fault their schedule included a lot of cupcakes. The reason the Hawks will fall early has much more to do with the fact they only played three tough teams all year and only won once - on the very first weekend of the season.
It's an imperfect system, I know, but the best I could do, considering NORAD won't let me near their supercomputer any more after I crashed it crunching the numbers for my "What's in a Name" post. Hopefully they help you pick some winners.
Speaking of which, here are the results you can plan on for this weekend:
As we wait breathlessly for the historic battle between New England and the Giants, with a never-before-accomplished 16-0 record on the line, it's time to look back at the ten best nicknames given to NFL teams over the years.
This is a highly scientific list based on several important factors, including: Historical significance, creativity, how much the names appealed to me, and how much each contributed to world peace. Okay, I made that last one up. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
I then entered each nickname into a supercomputer which crunched all the variables using an algorithm developed jointly by NASA scientists and the guys who live in the basements of their parents' homes and determine the BCS standings. I can't go into any more detail than that; in fact, I fear I may have said too much already.
Interestingly, seven of the top ten nicknames refer specifically to outstanding defensive units, showing the importance attached to a strong defense in NFL circles.
In any event, the top-secret supercomputer spit out the following. Without further ado, allow me to present the Top Ten NFL Team Nicknames Ever:
10) Greatest Show on Turf
This nickname was given to the explosive offense developed by Mike Martz and executed by the St. Louis Rams between 1999 and 2001. The 2000 Rams set NFL records both for total offensive yards and for passing yards, and the Rams reached the Super Bowl twice in that three year span, winning once and losing once in the biggest Super Bowl upset since the Jets won Super Bowl II.
9) Electric Company
This was the nickname bestowed on the Buffalo Bills offensive line of the 1970's, the group which opened holes for "The Juice," as O.J. Simpson was known at the time. Before getting away with murder, Simpson had a tremendous rushing career in Buffalo, and his offensive line turned on The Juice, resulting in the ninth-best nickname ever.
8) Air Coryell
In the early 1980's, the San Diego Chargers defied conventional NFL wisdom, which said keeping the ball on the ground and controlling the clock was the way to win games. The Chargers used quarterback Dan Fouts's arm and passing skills to rack up yardage through the air. Coryell's philosophies would later go on to become the basis for Mike Martz's "Greatest Show on Turf" in the late 1990's and early 2000's.
7) New York Sack Exchange
This nickname was given the ferocious defense of the early-1980's New York Jets, led by defensive end Mark Gastineau, who set a then-NFL record for sacks in a season in 1984, with 22, and racked up 100.5 sacks in just the first 100 starts of his career.
6) Gang Green
The nickname given the Philadelphia Eagles defense of the late-1980's, coached by Defensive Coordinator Buddy Ryan. Reggie White, Jerome Brown, Seth Joiner, and Andre Waters led the defense. The nickname was later co-opted by the New York Jets.
5) Doomsday Defense
Two different Dallas Cowboy defensive units have earned this nickname. The 1972 Super Bowl VI-winning team was led by Herb Adderley, Bob Lilly and Mel Renfro. The 1978 Super Bowl XII-winning team was led by Randy White, Harvey Martin and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
4) Purple People Eaters
From the late-1960's through the late-1970's the Minnesota Vikings played in four Super Bowls, anchored by their defense, which featured defensive linemen Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen. Their motto? "Meet at the quarterback."
3) Orange Crush
The 1970's Denver Broncos featured this run-stopping defense, led by linebackers Randy Gradishar and Tom Jackson, as well as defensive linemen Lyle Alzado and Rubin Carter.
2) Steel Curtain
The nickname given the anchors of the four-time Super Bowl winning defense of the 1970's. Steel Curtain members included Mean Joe Greene, L.C. Greenwood, Ernie Homes. Dwight White, Jack Lambert, Jack Ham, Mel Blount and Andy Russell. This suffocating defense led the 1976 team to a Super Bowl win despite the loss of quarterback Tery Bradshaw partway through the season. The Steel Curtain boasted five shutouts that year, including three in a row.
1) Monsters of the Midway
Maybe the most descriptive, longest-running nickname in football. The early-1940's Chicago Bears, a team that dominated the NFL in those years, gave rise to this descriptive title, which was resurrected in the mid-1980's for another edition of a dominating Bears squad. Any NFL fan who hears the phrase "Monsters of the Midway" immediately pictures the distinctive Bears old-style uniforms and long tradition, including a 73-0 victory over Washington Redskins in the 1940 NFL Championship Game.
With the playoff picture beginning to take shape, it seemed a good time to take a look at some of the teams who will be in the "tournament," as Bill Parcells used to call it, fighting for a shot at a Super Bowl title.
Conventional wisdom seems to be that the Patriots will represent the AFC and either the Cowboys or possibly Green Bay will be the NFC team to make the trip to Glendale. But is that opinion based solely on won-lost records? The Pats have the best record in the AFC and the Cowboys have the best in the NFC, followed by the Packers.
But wins and losses can only tell you so much. If you're piling up wins against bad teams while struggling against good ones, that would seem to indicate a good possibility for an early exit from the playoffs. On the other hand,if you play a tough schedule against a lot of good teams, doesn't that seem to indicate a readiness to face the rigors of the playoffs, where by definition only the best teams participate?
To separate the wheat from the chaff, I broke down the schedules of each team that would be in the playoffs if they were to start this weekend. Obviously, things could change in the next three weeks, but I wanted to start now because, frankly, my curiosity got the best of me.
I looked at two factors for each team: strength of schedule, and record against quality opposition, which I defined as any opponent with a winning record to this point in the season - in other words, any opponent wth a 7-6 record or better. Some of the results are predictable, others are a little surprising.
Strength of Schedule - The combined record of all opponents for each team:
1 - San Diego Chargers - 91-78 (.539)
2 - Jacksonville Jaguars - 89-80 (.527)
3 - Indianapolis Colts - 88-81 (.521)
4 - Minnesota Vikings - 87-82 (.515)
5 - New Engand Patriots - 85-84 (.503)
6 - Dallas Cowboys - 84-85 (.497)
Green Bay Packers - 84-85 (.497)
8 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 83-86 (.491)
9 - New York Giants - 78-91 (.462)
10 - Pittsburgh Steelers - 77-92 (.456)
11 - Cleveland Browns - 75-94 (.444)
12 - Seattle Seahawks - 70-99 (.414)
If you look at strength of schedule, there appear to be three levels. The top four teams, San Diego, Jacksonville, Indianapolis, and Minnesota, played a slate of teams with a combined record well over .500. The next four, New England, Dallas, Green Bay, and Tampa Bay, all played opponents whose records combined to be just about .500. The final four, the New York Giants, Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Seattle, have played a schedule considerably easier.
How will that affect a team's readiness for the playoffs? It would seem that a team with a relatively easy schedule should be able to build a winning record much easier, while a team with a difficult schedule has been battle-tested and logic would suggest should perform better in the playoffs.
But even within each team's schedule, there are very good opponents and very bad ones. The best indicator against future success against good teams, I believe, is how a team has performed over the course of the season against quality opponents. With that in mind, here is how each team has fared aganst quality opposition this season.
Record Against Quality Opponents:
1 - New England Patriots - 7-0 (1.000)
2 - Dallas Cowboys - 5-1 (.833)
3 - Green Bay Packers - 4-1 (.800)
Pittsburgh Steelers - 4-1 (.800)
5 - Indianapolis Colts - 5-2 (.714)
6 - Jacksonville Jaguars - 4-3 (.571)
7 - Minnesota Vikings - 3-4 (.429)
8 - San Diego Chargers - 2-4 (.333)
9 - Seattle Seahawks - 1-2 (.333)
10 - Cleveland Browns - 1-3 (.250)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 1-3 (.250)
12 - New York Giants - 0-4 (.000)
This set of numbers, I believe, tells a lot about some of the teams if you study it. Four teams, the Patriots, Colts, Jaguars, and Vikings, have played more than half their games thus far against quality opponents, telling me those teams may be more prepared for a playoff atmosphere than, say, the Seahawks, Browns, Bucs, or Giants, who have played four or less against quality opposition.
The teams in the bottom half of the above chart have built their records against largely inferior competition, leading me to believe each will suffer a quick exit, with the possible exception of the Vikings, who have played seven games against quality opposition, and who have been playing much better of late than they did early in the season.
Giants fans, in particular, should be terrified. The New York Football Giants have been perfect against the bad teams they have played, going 9-0, but they've also been Miami Dolphin perfect against quality opposition,going 0-4. There arent many sub-.500 teams in the playoffs, so look for an early exit for New York.
The biggest mystery teams to me are San Diego and Jacksonville. They are the two teams that have played the toughest overall schedule, but have both struggled against quality individual opponents, especially San Diego. How that will shake out in the playoffs is anyone's guess, but my opinion is it will probably add up to a relatively early exit for each.
There you go. Numbers can tell you whatever you want them to, I suppose,so what do they mean for your team? As a Patriots fan, I like what I see when I look at New England's numbers, but there are a hal####ozen teams with numbers that tell me they are legitimate threats to win it all. What do you think?
In a stunning stroke of originality that may shake the copycat NFL to its' roots, Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade (Don't You Dare Call Me Bum) Phillips has had each of his players sign a pledge promising to play smarter than they have been doing recently and to avoid stupid penalities.
"If this works," said Phillips, "I have every intention of taking it further next week. I'm very concerned about global warming and I think now that I have the players' attention with the penalty thing, maybe we can work on a pledge lowering greenhouse gases or something. Kind of a 'Cowboy Kyoto treaty,' if you will."
For the majority of the players, this was the most paperwork they have ever done, including their high school and college years. Unconfirmed reports have even been floating around that certain Cowboys sat motionlessly in front of their desks, pens in hand, waiting for the "tutors" that they were customarily supplied with in college to show up and complete the actual work.
"I can't write an essay all by myself," exclaimed one anonymous player. "I'm going to need some help." When it was explained to him that a signature was all that was required, the player responded, "What's your point?"
Additional unconfirmed reports coming out of the Dallas locker room suggest that some players may have had certain clauses appended to their individual pledges. Tony Romo, for example, is said to have signed a pledge promising to give up all the juicy details of his dates with the hot celebrities he is known to have been seen with, like Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson.
The Player's Association has not yet released a statement of their official position on this newest attack on players rights. Initial reports out of the NFLPA offices are that they are waiting to see what Romo has to say before filing any sort of official objection to this new practice of pledge-signing. They want to know about all those celebrities too.
*****Colts quarterback Peyton Manning to little brother Eli: "So, li'l bro, where should we play golf this Monday?"
*****Chargers Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer to Offensive Coordinator Cam Cameron: "I promise, you won't get any interference from me. So, what's the game plan for Sunday, three yards and a cloud of dust?"
*****University of Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban (from inside his office): "Hey, this door's stuck, I seem to be locked in. I'm trapped, I can't leave. Hello, is anybody out there? Anybody? I promise I won't take off if you'll just let me out! Hello?"
*****Fired Atlanta Falcons Head Coach Jim Mora to University of Washington Head Coach Ty Willingham (on the telephone): "Hey, Ty, buddy, how are ya? Don't suppose you have any openings on your staff for a guy who needs a break....hello? Pal? Are you there? ####, I think I got cut off."
*****New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin: "At least I'm not Jim Mora."
*****Mark McGwire: " [sound of crickets chirping]"
*****David Beckham: "I say old chap, I know the contract is for $250 million, but nobody told me I'd have to play in the States, where they play some sort of strange football where men fall all over each other. Actually, just talking about it is making me feel all, oooh, tingly!"
*****San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds: "Amphetamines? How was I supposed to know those were amphetamines? I already told you people I don't pay any attention to what I put into my body. Weren't you listening?"
*****Michelle Wie, after shooting 78 in the first round of this week's PGA Sony Open: "I think I can definitely tear this golf course up." *Editor's note: In the interest of full disclosure, this is an actual comment from the golfer, not a made-up quote.
*****Tony Romo, after being told "Undress me, baby," by Carrie Underwood: "I'm trying, I'm trying, but the buttons on your blouse, they're so slippery. I, I just can't get a grip..."
1) Tom Coughlin looked like a guy who knows his time in New York is over. Maybe it's just me, but didn't it look like the Giants head coach had an eyes glazed over, deer-in-the-headlights look on his face every time the camera showed him on the sidelines in their playoff loss to the Eagles? Lips pressed tightly together, expression completely emotionless. He looked like he was wound a little too tight, even by the standards of an NFL coach.
Remember this line from the first Matrix movie? "You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitablility." It looked to me like Coughlin was a guy who heard the sound of inevitability loud and clear, and who knows he will be somewhere else next season.
2) Rumors of the Colts' death have been greatly exaggerated. Is there anyone who would have predicted the following stat line for Larry Johnson of the Chiefs in their matchup at Indy this weekend? 13 carries, 32 yards, 2.5 yard average.
The conventional wisdom was that LJ would shred the porous Colts defense for anywhere from 120 to 250 yards in maybe the most intriguing matchup of the weekend. Obviously no one gave the Indianapolis defense the message that they were supposed to lay down and give up. The question is, can they repeat the performance next weekend against Baltimore?
Don't count the Colts out, because of every team in the playoffs this year, Indianapolis compiled the best record in games against quality opponents, which I define as any opponent who finished above .500. Using this standard, the Colts have gone 5-1 this year against quality opponents, best in the league.
If the game was being played in the RCA Dome, I believe you would have to give the nod to the Colts. But since Baltimore hosts the game, outdoors in January, given the struggles of Peyton Manning on the road in the playoffs, plus the fact that the Ravens went 4-2 against quality opponents this season, look for the Ravens to win a tight one.
3) Maybe Bill Parcells knows a little bit about football. Back in November, when Tony Romo was the toast of the NFL, Parcells said something like, "Let's not anoint this kid just yet." Whatever he's using for a crystal ball, I want it, because the last few weeks of the season, Romo became very ordinary, then hit rock bottom in the Cowboys' loss to Seattle over the weekend, fumbling the snap on the game-winning field goal try.
After the game, Romo said, "I cost the Dallas Cowboys a playoff win....I don't know if I've ever felt this low." Romo may very well come back and have a fine career, but ultimately this year is not one he will look back on fondly. I wonder what Drew Bledsoe was thinking?
4) Hugs, handshakes, who cares? For a while, in the days leading up to the Patriots 37-16 win over the Jets, it felt like the cast of "The View" was providing the pregame coverage. Belichick and Mangini don't like each other, their relationship is chilly, they barely shook hands after the teams' last meeting. It was almost as if the actual game was going to take a back seat to the emotional story of the relationship between the two head coaches. Sheesh!
No doubt everyone's eyes teared up with the big hug the two men shared after the game. Maybe now the focus can get back on football.
Now that Christmas is over and we are rapidly approaching New Year's Day, it's time to look ahead to the upcoming year in sports. There were plenty of wild and wacky things that happened in the world of sports in 2006, and you can bet there will be plenty more of the same in 2007, but if you think about it, some things you can be pretty certain will not happen. Here are just a few of those things you won't see in the next year. Feel free to throw in your two cents worth, too.
McGwire Leads Class of 2007 in Hall of Fame Inductions - He will probably make the Hall barring future damaging revelations, but it won't be next year.
Selig Lauded as Visionary Upon Retirement as MLB Commissioner - The retirement part will happen, but the rest - forget it.
Owens Takes Vow of Silence, Won't Talk to Media All Season; In Press Conference to Announce This, Calls Jeff Garcia #### - Okay, he could do this, just to get the press coverage, but you know damn well he'd break the vow the next day. The Garcia part is a definite possibility though.
Ferocious Run Defense Leads Colts to Super Bowl Win! - Manning does just enough to win, manages game perfectly as Indianapolis defense shines. Sorry, can't even keep a straight face on this one.
Falcons Win Super Bowl; Mora Headed to University of Washington Job Anyway - This could never happen on two levels - Atlanta isn't a Super Bowl team and Mora won't be around next year to defect.
D.A. Nifong Admits Prosecutorial Misconduct, Apologizes to Duke Lacrosse Players - This should have happened months ago, so if he hasn't done it by now, it's obvious he won't.
Shockey Praises Giants Coaching Staff - Actually, you could probably take out "Giants Coaching Staff" and insert anyone you want.
BCS System Applauded as Top Two Teams Meet in National Championship Game - People will never agree who should be playing in the game unless there's a playoff, maybe not even then.
Michelle Wie Makes Cut in [Insert PGA Tour Event Name Here]! - This young lady's misguided attempts to not win but simply make the cut in a men's tournament are doing nothing to further either her own golf career or women's sports in general. You can argue she's getting plenty of cash to do it, and that may be true, but in the process this girl who is not even out of her teens is becoming a laughingstock; a David Letterman punchline, and it's sad to see.
