Joe Torre, on winning his 1000th game as skipper of the Yankees: "A thousand is a lot of wins...The Yankee record book is a special place to be. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be here this long."

What I meant to say: "A thousand is about 950 wins more than I expected to get in this zoo. I've got ulcers the size of George Steinbrenner's savings account. The only person around here with bigger ulcers is Brian Cashman."

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Josh Bard, ex-Red Sox catcher, prior to his being traded for Doug Mirabelli, on his ability to catch Tim Wakefield's knuckleball: "I know [Wakefield] believes in me, and I believe in me."

What I meant to say: "Oh you asked if I could catch it! I thought you said 'Can you watch it...."

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Hootie Johnson, Executive Director at Augusta National Golf Club, who recently announced he would be stepping down after eight years at the helm: "Our greatest concern has always been that the course be kept current with the times."

What I meant to say: "Martha Burk, I'll be roasting in hell before you ever step one single solitary foot on my golf course. Now, where are the rest of the Blowfish, I think it's time for a reunion tour."

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Martha Burk, former chairperson of the National Council of Women's Organizations, famous for protesting Augusta National's lack of female membership at the Masters Tournament in 2002: I hope that Billy Payne [incoming Augusta National Chairman] will exercise stronger leadership and better judgement than Hootie Johnson has, I would welcome a dialogue."

What I meant to say: "I'm glad that troglodite is finally gone. He'd better not even think about stepping foot inside my Curves gym. Billy Payne had better step up and talk to me, I haven't even had a whiff of the spotlight since 2002."

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Bill Parcells, Dallas Cowboys head coach, on having to answer question after question about new acquisition Terrell Owens: "I answered 35 questions on him the other day. That will be the last on him until we get on the field at practice in training camp. You won't hear anything else from me on that subject."

What I meant to say: "I'm already losing sleep over what he's going to do our team's chemistry. Now I wish I had given Jerry Jones my home phone number after the end of last season."

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Bud Selig, Major League Baseball Commissioner, on why MLB will not celebrate Barry Bonds breaking Babe Ruth's 714 home run mark: "Whatever happens, happens. We're going to let nature take its course."

What I meant to say: "His body is breaking down slowly but surely. We may not be able to stop him from breaking Ruth's mark, but we're betting he won't make it to Aaron's."

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Reggie Bush, on being selected by the New Orleans Saints as the #2 pick in the NFL Draft: "This is a dream come true....the dream of playing in the NFL. In that I think it's good to be here."

What I meant to say: "New Orleans? What happened to Houston? All I accomplished in my college career and I have to play for New Orleans? Is this a joke? Am I being punked?"