- Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers receiver, after slugging cornerback Ken Lucas in the face during practice Friday: "I'm completely wrong. It was an asinine decision."

What I Meant to Say: "What was I thinking? I'm a receiver and I hit Lucas with my hand? Thank God I only broke his nose and not my knuckles or something; where would I be then? I'll tell you this, I'm going to be a lot more careful next time. Talk about your asinine decisions. Sheesh!"
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- Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers starting quarterback (maybe), on the news that Brett Favre had been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and would be reporting to camp: "I know if they do open it up to a competition, not a lot of people give me a chance..."

What I Meant to Say: "Why won't this guy quit already? What did I ever do to deserve this? He's hanging around longer than Andy Rooney, for crying out loud! We need to trade for Steve Smith."
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Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins head coach, talking about who is Number One on the depth chart at the quarterback position on his team: "That depth chart in your hands right now won't be the same this afternoon, never mind tomorrow, so it's going to change every single day."

What I Meant to Say: "That depth chart will change every day, or until we can convince Dan Marino to take a page out of Brett Favre's playbook."
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Ned Yost, Milwaukee Brewers manager, on the dugout confrontation between Manny Parra and Prince Fielder during their game against the Reds Monday night: "If you want to know what happened...you're not going to know. It's private, it's between us, and it's not a big deal...It makes teams better."

What I Meant to Say: "At least I sure hope it make teams better, because we can't get much worse right now."
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Jason Giambi, New York Yankees slugger, after shaving his mustache following the Yankees come-from-behind win Sunday: "In about a week, it will be back. It goes hand in hand with winning."

What I Meant to Say: "If they'd let me grow my hair out like I did in Oakland, I guarantee we'd win it all. It has nothing to do with talent; it's all about the hair."
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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

Mr. Mark Murphy, President
Green Bay Packers Football Club
1265 Lombardi Avenue
Green Bay, WI 54304

July 31, 2008

Dear Mr. Murphy,

It has come to my attention that the Packers recently offered Brett Favre $20 million over the next ten years to stay retired and that Mr. Favre is reluctant to accept that offer.

If that is indeed the case, please consider the following alternative scenario: I am willing to accept a much smaller inducement, say, $10 million over the next ten years, to not play for the Packers instead.

Although it is true I have never played as much as a single down in the NFL for the Green Bay Packers or any other team; in fact I never even played high school football, being skinny as a rail and chicken to boot, but if you are willing to pay someone not to play, I have every confidence I could be just as successful as Mr. Favre at not playing, and save the Packers organization $10 million at the same time.

Clearly, my proposal would be a win/win for everyone. With the $10 million the organization will save by paying me rather than Brett Favre to stay retired, you could perhaps interest someone else in not playing football as well - say, Rocket Ismael, to name one possibility.

Far be it from me, though, to tell you what to do with the $10 million you will be saving. Ovbviously, that is the Green Bay Packers' money and thus yours to do with as you will. Just to be clear, however, allow me to spell out what your $10 million will be getting you. For $10 million:

1) I promise not to show up at Packers training camp and cause a distraction to the team.

2) I promise not to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

3) I promise not to loom over Aaron Rodgers like the sure-fire Hall of Famer I am not, putting unnecessary pressure on the kid.

4) I promise not to speak negatively about the Green Bay Packers organization - ever! - and in fact will decorate my entire property with Green Bay paraphernalia, even though I'm a New England Patriots fan.

5) I promise not to hold a tearful "Still Retired" press conference.

6) I promise....well....I can't really think of anything else to promise, but for $10 million, you can tell me what else you want me to promise and I promise I'll promise whatever you want.

Mr. Murphy, I realize my offer is a little unusual, but your organization has shown a willingness to think outside the box with the offer to Brett Favre, so if you give it a little thought, I am confident you will agree this is the way to go.

I think it only fair to warn you, however, that it is imperative you not wait too long to come to a decision - I have several irons in the fire, and could easily be persuaded to stay retired by another NFL team. Thank you for your willingness to listen, and Go Pack!

Sincerely,
HalfBaked

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

From the Associated Press and Yahoo! comes this breaking news report out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I swear it's true because, as you no doubt well know, I'm not bright enough to make this stuff up. Check out the highlights of the report, then we'll delve further into the issue.

"Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that's been plaguing them for two years sounds like...a subtle vibration that won't quit. It's enough to keep 76 year old Leona from sleeping. Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating. 'It doesn't matter if the windows are open or closed - you still hear it,' he said. 'It's worse in the winter.' Alderman Andy Nicholson knows exactly what's bugging the Ehrfurths. 'Yeah, I've experienced it,' Nicholson said...'I think it would be an annoyance'."

Half-Baked Ravings investigated further, speaking with long-time Green Bay, Wisconsin resident Ted Thompson, who told us he had also experienced the incessant, annoying noise pollution the Ehrfurths referred to in the AP report. "Yeah," he noted. "I've heard it over the last couple of years myself. Over and over, and, as with the Ehrfurths, it doesn't matter whether the windows are open or closed. It almost sounds like voices, you know? 'I'm retiring, I'm not retiring, I want to move to Minnesota.' Weird."

Further investigation reveals many other Winconsinites have also noticed the noises, but have remained silent for fear of being labeled weirdos or kooks or worse. Part-year Green Bay resident Aaron Rodgers tells Half-Baked Ravings that the voices haunt him day and night. 'It's more than just voices with me,' he told our correspondent. 'It's almost as if I'm hearing footsteps coming up behind me. It's gotten to the point where I hear it day and night; the voices never seem to end, haunting my every waking moment and most of my dreams!'

Only time will tell whether the strange, unexplained sounds will eventually cease. In the meantime, Green Bay residents are urged to outfit themselves with ear plugs or those heavy, fur-lined winter ear muffs many wear to Green Bay Packer games in the winter in an effort to insulate themselves from the barrage of nonsensical noise.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

__________

If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website -www.allanleverone.com.