Half-Baked Ravings has uncovered an internal United States Navy memorandum, classified "Top Secret," which lays out in detail the steps the military is planning to take to ensure a crippled satellite which will fall to Earth in late-February or early-March will not land in a populated area.
The object, a spy satellite identified as US193, launched in December, 2006, has been hurtling in an uncontrolled orbit around the earth since shortly after takeoff, when its' computer guidance system failed and its' rocket engine shut down. The 5000 pound satellite, said to be roughly the size of a school bus, is reportedly dropping slowly but steadily toward Earth with a fuel tank filled nearly to the brim with frozen hydrazine, a potentially lethal rocket fuel.
A source familiar with the never-before attempted operation agreed to speak to Half-Baked Ravings under condition of anonymity. Here is a portion of that conversation:
HBR: This satellite represents a health risk to humans if it should crash in a densely populated area?
Source: Absolutely. Anyone within a twenty to thirty yard radius of the fuel tank could be at risk of death if the tank should rupture and the hydrazine fuel leak out.
HBR: What then is the plan to neutralize the risk?
Source: The Navy will fire The Rocket at the satellite shortly before it reenters Earth's atmosphere, that being the time-frame offering the greatest chance of actually hitting and destroying it.
HBR: A rocket will be able to hit an object the size of a school bus outside our atmosphere? Isn't that asking a lot of a rocket?
Source: I didn't say a rocket, I said The Rocket.
HBR: I'm sorry, I'm just a civilian, apparently I don't understand these military terms. What's the difference?
Source (exasperated): What's not to understand? The Navy will shoot an SM-3 Missile at this giant piece of space junk, the lunar equivalent of the Jolly Green Giant's paperweight, and The Rocket will steer it hopefully to a direct hit, thereby destroying the fuel tank of the satellite before it can crash into the earth and kill people. Duh.
HBR: Uh, okay. The Rocket will steer the Missile. Um, you don't mean....
Source: Yes, yes, do I have to spell it out for you? Roger Clemens will steer the Missile on this extremely important mission for us.
HBR: Roger Clemens? Why would he do that?
Source: Why, to get the U.S. Government off his back, of course. He scratches our back, we scratch his.
HBR: That's quite a lot of scratching to ask of someone. He agreed to do it?
Source: Of course he agreed, we knew he would. Why do you think the government goes after people? You think we give a damn what big, fat blowhard athletes put into their bodies? Of course not. Our first choice was to make Barry Bonds do it, but his head wouldn't fit into the capsule, so we had to go to Plan B.
HBR: Plan B being....
Source: Exactly. The Rocket.
HBR: Hmmm. Hey, wait a minute. Is that why Senator Specter is investigating Bill Belichick?
Source (smiling): You catch on quickly, young man. We thought about forcing Belichick to fly this mission, but we decided we would make him film it instead. You know, for posterity.
HBR: That's diabolical.
Source: Exactly. Say, you're pretty quick on the uptake, we could always use a guy like you here in the Secret Operations Department.
HBR: Whoa, no thanks, I'm happy just blogging, thanks anyway.
Source: Is that so? We'll just see about that, my boy.
HBR (nervously): Uh, well then, I guess that wraps things up from here. Thanks for your cooperation, and goodbye.
Source: Goodbye sounds so permanent. How about "see you later?" Like after we're done examining your tax returns for the last 25 years? Are you quite sure there are no, shall we say, improprieties on them? Heh-heh-heh.
At this point the tape becomes unintelligible, with the sound of running footsteps and what sounds like the Lord's Prayer being mumbled by the correspondent in the background. Fortunately, the substantive part of the tape survived intact, allowing the true story of how the United States government plans to destroy the rogue satellite to be told for the first time.
This is Half-Baked Ravings saying goodnight and see you next time. Unless, of course, those funky deductions I took back in 1997 come back to haunt me, in which case it's been nice knowing you.
Well there you have it. All wrapped up in a nice package of humor is the truth about our government. Forget for the people, forget of the people and forget by the people.
Just remember DO IT TO THE PEOPLE. Take their money, their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations and when nothing else is available, take their reputations.
Which might not seem so bad until you consider who it is taking those reputations.
Hi Fuzz, thanks a lot. I knew there had to be a grand plan to all this congressional investigating going on, it just took me a while to figure out what it was....
By the way, I know you're a Steelers fan, and so you and I are taught from birth to hate and mistrust one another, but I have to tell you that was a very classy move by the Steelers and Dan Rooney, coming out and publically saying they didn't feel taping had any impact on the games played between the Steelers and the Patriots the last few years. Chalk one up for that organization - very classy move on their part....
Hi Rat, thanks for reading. Don't take this the wrong way, but I actually was thinking about you as I was writing this. Only in a clean, manly way, of course....
Hi Balla and thanks a lot. The frightening thing is that I was totally sober as I wrote this. It actually came into my head almost all written if you can believe that. I was reading about the spy satellite crashing to earth and the Navy wanting to blast it out of the sky, which I find fascinating, and then I wondered what the missile they will be using is powered by - a rocket, of course - and it all just popped into my head.
I know, I know, too much information, but sometimes it helps to get it out - it can be pretty scary in here....
HB: Thanx. Do people know what you do for a livin?
Just joshing, but I go by train or car/are they all as funny as you? Great stress reliever this, no?
hmmm....the Rocket is pretty hard-headed.....maybe he would be a great missile to shoot down that satellite. On another note, notice how the Gov't has told us they are taking extreme measures to shoot this sucker down, but won't let people know WHERE the projected impact will be?
They know where it will approximately land, and the fact that they are shooting it down tells me it's not an isolated place. Now why aren't there any Congressional hearings for a safegaurd in place? Oh that's right, they are still investigating baseball with football on their next hit-list.
Of course it was only in a manly sort of way. I never thought otherwise. NURSE!!!! HE'S OUT OF HIS ROOM AND BACK AT YOUR COMPUTER AGAIN!!!
I have a little suprise on my blog and you can see my unauthorized feeble attempt to explain it somewhat at badlandproductions.com (please allow sound wav to load before scrolling down.)
Hey everyone, I know it must seem like I've dropped off the face of the earth, but it's nothing like that.
I've been busy writing - two full-length novels so far, plus over a dozen short stories - and working hard to try to get an agent. If you are curious and have a few minutes, check out my website, www.allanleve rone.com.
If you're a literary agent or if you know one, by all means contact me! In the meantime, I'll be here when I can - love this forum - and as always, thank you for checking out my blog, especially considering how many great ones you could be reading instead....
