From the Associated Press and Yahoo! comes this breaking news report out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I swear it's true because, as you no doubt well know, I'm not bright enough to make this stuff up. Check out the highlights of the report, then we'll delve further into the issue.

"Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that's been plaguing them for two years sounds like...a subtle vibration that won't quit. It's enough to keep 76 year old Leona from sleeping. Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating. 'It doesn't matter if the windows are open or closed - you still hear it,' he said. 'It's worse in the winter.' Alderman Andy Nicholson knows exactly what's bugging the Ehrfurths. 'Yeah, I've experienced it,' Nicholson said...'I think it would be an annoyance'."

Half-Baked Ravings investigated further, speaking with long-time Green Bay, Wisconsin resident Ted Thompson, who told us he had also experienced the incessant, annoying noise pollution the Ehrfurths referred to in the AP report. "Yeah," he noted. "I've heard it over the last couple of years myself. Over and over, and, as with the Ehrfurths, it doesn't matter whether the windows are open or closed. It almost sounds like voices, you know? 'I'm retiring, I'm not retiring, I want to move to Minnesota.' Weird."

Further investigation reveals many other Winconsinites have also noticed the noises, but have remained silent for fear of being labeled weirdos or kooks or worse. Part-year Green Bay resident Aaron Rodgers tells Half-Baked Ravings that the voices haunt him day and night. 'It's more than just voices with me,' he told our correspondent. 'It's almost as if I'm hearing footsteps coming up behind me. It's gotten to the point where I hear it day and night; the voices never seem to end, haunting my every waking moment and most of my dreams!'

Only time will tell whether the strange, unexplained sounds will eventually cease. In the meantime, Green Bay residents are urged to outfit themselves with ear plugs or those heavy, fur-lined winter ear muffs many wear to Green Bay Packer games in the winter in an effort to insulate themselves from the barrage of nonsensical noise.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website -www.allanleverone.com.

Poor Lovie Smith. The Chicago Bears training camp is starting tomorrow and, according to a report published Tuesday by the Associated Press, the Bears head coach says the battle for the starting quarterback's job between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is "dead even."

If you're a Bears fan, the emphasis on that particular quote is undoubtedly on the word "dead." Having a quarterback controversy between those two guys is a little bit like trying to decide whether you would rather be trapped without hope of rescue in a burning building or on a sinking ship.

Speaking of sinking ships, is there anyone who really thinks a record of better than, oh, say 8-8 is too terribly likely no matter who wins the "competition?" Unless the Monsters of the Midway bring back most of the defense from the 1985 World Champions, the guys on the other side of the ball will probably not have enough firepower to overcome the offensive stagnation that's going to take place on so many Sunday afternoons, Brian Urlacher's $18 million contract extension notwithstanding.

And let's not bring up two years ago, either. Sure, Sexy Rexy led Da Bears to a Super Bowl appearance, but expecting that to happen again, given Grossman's history of maddening inconsistency and Orton's limited experience and lackluster numbers when he has gotten to play, seems like a stretch even the most optimistic Bears fanatic might not be capable of managing.

The bright side, of course, is that anyone concerned about the quarterback battle has been waiting months for football to start up again, so at least you have something to talk about. And what the heck, right now everyone's tied for first, so enjoy it while you can.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

Okay, all you people who are sick and tired of all the same teams getting into the playoffs every year; all you Red Sox and Yankees haters, who wait with bated breath for someone else to win the American League East - It's been a while, hasn't it? You have to go back eleven years to find a season in which one or the other of those two teams didn't win the division.

Welcome to the New World Order, MLB-Style. It's July 21, and the Tampa Bay Rays are leading the AL East, with the third-best record in the big leagues. I know it's going to be tough finding something else to whine about than "The rich always get richer," but guess what? The team that has finished in last place for nine of the ten seasons they've been in existence; the team that has never won more than seventy games in a season - that would be the Rays - they are for real.

The Rays are winning with pitching and defense and exciting young talent, and they're not going away. The only question mark, really, besides depth, is whether their pitching, so much of which is very young, can take the pressure of a September pennant race.

And, really, whether Tampa Bay makes the playoffs in the tough AL East isn't even the point. They could go 14-51 the rest of the way, and it would still qualify as the best season in franchise history. Of course, they're not going to do that, but even if they play .500 baseball from now until the end of the year, the Rays would finish with around 90 wins.

Worst to first? Who knows, but as a baseball fan, it's fun to see what's going on down in Tampa. And I'm a Red Sox fan.

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If you love fiction and have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

If you have read any of my previous posts in the two-and-a-half years I have been publishing here, off and on, I have a couple of things to say to you:

1) Thank you so much for reading, and

2) You need to get out more.

Anyway, if you've read any of my stuff, you know I love sports and, more importantly, I love the absurdity that goes hand-in-hand with so much that happens in the sporting world.

Take today, for example. I log on to Yahoo! and what do I see? A sports headline that instantly grabs my attention, and not just because it involves Danica Patrick, a young lady who, thanks to the internet, I've seen more of than I saw of my wife until our wedding night.

Here's the Yahoo! headline, word-for-word: "Danica, female spar in pit"

Now, if that doesn't get your imagination working overtime, you must be made of stronger moral fiber than I. I mean, was it a mud pit, a jello pit, what? Were wet t-shirts involved in any way?

Well, it turns out Danica and this anonymous other female sparred on pit road, which, if I were an auto racing fan, I might have guessed, although the story suddenly seems a lot less interesting for that knowledge.

But still, doesn't the headline seem a little off? I mean, I'm pretty sure Danica is a female herself, based on the photos I've seen, and I've given them a pretty thorough going-over. So, shouldn't the headline read "Danica and another female spar in pit"?

And what about this other female? Why does she get to remain anonymous while poor little Danica gets her dirty laundry aired out on Yahoo!? It turns out this "female" Danica Patrick sparred with is Milka Duno, another driver; in fact the only other female driver, at the Honda Indy 200, which is where the confrontation occurred.

Far be it from me to criticize the guy who writes the headlines at Yahoo!, but I think I could have done better. How about this? Duno Wrong in Clash With Danica?

I suppose I'm just giving this too much thought altogether. Maybe it's time to take a break and go check out ESPN's highlights from last year - I can't get enough of T.O.'s teary post-game performance from last November.

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If you love fiction and have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com...

I have a question for you, and please be honest with your answer. Before yesterday, had you ever given even one second's consideration to the term "celebrity chef?"

No? Good, me neither. I was afraid I had missed out on some huge cultural phenomenon everyone hipper than me (everyone else, in other words) knew about, like riding dirty or the first five years of American Idol.

But when I saw those few words in the Foxsports headlines yesterday, that deliciously enticing tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament," I just knew I had to investigate. Who wouldn't? How could anyone possibly read that description and not click on the link?

After all, so many questions immediately spring to mind. What will Dunkin' Donuts do if it was Rachel Ray? Who's going to fill all those lonely hours in the middle of the night on the Food Channel if Bobby Flay was injured? Did Phil Mickelson finally lose it and Emeril Lagasse bravely stepped in the way and took the bullet meant for Tiger?

Okay, another moment of honesty, please. How did we end up with so many "celebrity chefs" all of a sudden? They're like that stubborn mold in the far corner of your bathroom ceiling, way in the back of the shower stall - you never saw it coming but now you can't get rid of it. Do we really need that many people to show us how to bake a blintz or add a dash of celantro to stuff?

I only ask because to me a gourmet meal is ordering two toppings on my large pizza instead of the customary one. I wouldn't know a five-star meal if it kicked me in the taste buds, but again, maybe I'm the only one.

Anyway, back to the point - that tantalizingly beautiful tag line, "Celebrity chef grazed by bullet at golf tournament." I quite naturally clicked the link, only to discover some guy who looks like he should be hosting a snooty show on PBS got shot in the arm by, sheriff's deputies guessed, someone shooting a gun up in the air a mile or two away.

What goes up must come down and so "Celebrity Chef" Paul Prudhomme got struck with the falling piece of lead, thinking he got stung by a bee on the arm. Are you kidding me?

Now, don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish any harm on Paul Prudhomme, I'm glad he wasn't seriously hurt, although if he's a celebrity, shouldn't I have at least heard of him? I mean, I don't have to know all about him, I admit I'm not really up on the latest pop culture the way you probably are, but I never once heard of the guy! Aren't there any sort of guidelines on who gets to be considered a "celebrity" and who doesn't?

Or is Paul Prudhomme now considered a celebrity simply because he had the misfortune to be in the way of a falling bullet? Is that all it takes in today's celebrity-mad society? On the other hand, maybe that's only fair anyway - at least getting shot was more than Paris Hilton has accomplished.

A few thoughts and observations as I watch the Celtics march, workmanlike, toward their 56th win of the season, the best for the franchise since 1991.

- North Carolina is quite simply the best college basketball team in the country. Hopefully they have enough room in the trophy case at the Dean Smith Center for the 2008 National Championship trophy, because that's where it's headed. The Tar Heels have it all: size, speed, outside shooting, rebounding. They can push the ball up the floor or sink three-pointers, depending on what the defense gives them.

No disprespect intended to Memphis, UCLA, Kansas or any other team still alive, but but based on last weekend's action, it's hard to imagine anyone beating UNC until next winter.

- How can you not be excited for the Davidson College Widcats? After coming back from a 17-point deficit in their opening round game against Gonzaga to win going away, 82-76, they made it to the Sweet Sixteen with another big comeback victory over Georgetown, 74-70. And "Cat" is a perfect description for the dynamic and lightning-quick Stephen Curry, the Sporting News second-team All-American who has scored 70 points in Davidson's first two tournament wins, 55 of them in the second half of those games.

Prior to last weekend, Davidson College's last NCAA Tournament win was way back in 1969, and their improbable run continues Friday night against Wisconsin in a game that's looking a lot less like a three seed against a ten seed and a lot more like an upset special.

- Who slips on a fast-food wrapper? Did you see the story about Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who supposedly did exactly that, putting his arm through an entertainment center in an attempt to brace himself, and suffering an injury requiring stitches? Not exactly a smooth move, and a situation that makes you wonder if maybe there's not more to the story than what is being told here. Hmmm.

- Big surprise: Chad Johnson is skipping the Cincinnati Bengals offseason workout. Is there anyone in the world who expected Johnson to be there? He has made it perfectly clear for months how unhappy he is in Cincinnati and if there's one thing Johnson is not, it's subtle.

For their part, the Bengals organization is downplaying the absence, pointing out that the workouts are voluntary and that T.J. Houshmandzadeh isn't there either. The Bengals continue to insist they won't be trading Johnson. We haven't heard the end of this story, unfortunately.

-It's finally Opening Day! Whether you're a fan of the Red Sox or A's, or can't stand either team, if you love baseball, this is the day you've waited for all winter. There's plenty of other action to keep a sports fan's interest over the long winter months, but for a baseball fan this is the day you marked on your calendar months ago. It's about time!