It’s the day before The Game, Michigan at Ohio State, and all the rage is debating the existing system for determining a national champion in college football.  As it exists, the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) in inherently unfair because it excludes teams from “lesser” conferences.  In addition to the BCS BS, there is the discussion of which one-loss team most deserves to play the Ohio State/Michigan winner for the National Championship in January.  Finally, throw into the mix the question of where Rutgers should play if they finish their season undefeated.  As someone who has followed the Big East for some time now, I can’t believe I actually typed that sentence. 

Say what you will about strength of schedule, computer rankings and program tradition.  Throw out the talk about poll bias, East coast bias or what did the boosters buy us.  Barring the implementation of a true playoff system, the arguments surrounding college football’s top prize will live on and on and on.  That is, of course, until the implementation of the GCS – the Gonzo Championship System.

In a situation like this year where you have one undefeated team from a major conference and possibly 6 or 7 deserving, one-loss teams vying to play for the national championship, the GCS would completely resolve the debate and setup the correct title game match up.  Try to stay with me on this because the GCS is a complex, mathematically sound and culturally significant formula.  If you’re prone to migraines, you may want to stop reading now.

With the GCS, you start with the capacity of a team’s stadium.  Multiply that by the number of professional football players that school has produced in the last ten years.  Subtract from that the number of professional players from that school that have been arrested, and then add to that the sum of National Championships plus Hiesman Trophies won by that school since 1973.  This number is known as the school’s Football Usage.

Now take the number of alums from that school on People’s 100 Most Beautiful list and add to that the number of alums who have appeared on the cover of Time.  Divide that by the number of alums who were ever in a boy band, them multiply the result by the number of Oscar winning directors, actors or writers not named Coppola produced by that university.  This number becomes the school’s Celebrity Kismet.

Finally, take the number of political science graduates at each university and subtract from that the number of alums who are members of Congress.  Multiply the school’s law program ranking by the number of alum who are attorneys, then divide this number by the previously determined difference.  I know this may seem like we’re double-counting, but it’s designed that way.  The final result is known as the school’s Integrity Trenchancy.

Now multiply the Football Usage by the Celebrity Kismet and add this to the Integrity Trenchancy. 

(FU)(CK) + IT

As you can see, the resulting formula clearly shows which one-loss team deserves to play for the national championship and how it really doesn’t matter if they do.  At the end if it all, Michigan (the other UM) will be crowned king of college football, and everyone will be left saying “Hail! to the victors valiant, Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes, Hail! Hail! to Michigan the leaders and best …….”