NEW YORK.  He was the longest of long shots--longer than Joe Namath's Jets--and for that reason he is today the toast of the town.  One hundred winners had preceded him, but never before had his team won it all.

How sweet it is!

"Yeah baby!" shouted Sam de Franza, a sanitation worker from Flushing, Queens, as the champ rolled past in a Cadillac convertible he won as the top dog in the country.  "This is for all the #### we've had to put up with all these years!"

"Please--curb your dogs!"

The celebration came to a stop outside Gracie Mansion, the mayor's residence and a silent film star of the thirties, where crowds began to chant "Uno-Uno-Uno", expressing the city-wide sentiment that the underdog had indeed proven he was number one.

Gracie Mansion:  "Please don't pee on the tulips!"

Uno, a black and tan beagle nearing his third birthday, had just been named "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club show, the first beagle in the 69 year history of the "World Series of Dogs" to win it all.  "Sixty-nine years, baby!" Uno shouted to the crowd as he accepted a dog biscuit in the shape of a key to the city from Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  "That's 483 dog years!"

"I can't believe I lost to that mutt!"

Uno had attracted big bets from New Yorkers who viewed the favorite, a standard poodle, as overrated and vulnerable to the beagle's short stride on the Westminster green carpet.  "There's a lot of bookies licking their you-know-whats this morning!" Bloomberg said to roars of approval, milking the moment for all its political value.

"Let's try the hook 'n ladder play--on two.  Break!"

Uno says he will take some time off after playing in the Dog Bowl, an all-star affair pitting east and west coast breeds against each other in Hawaii, a post-season tradition.  Then it will be back to the film room to see how he can improve his game for next season.  "You want to run with the big dogs," he says in his native southern accent, "you got to get off the porch."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  Mary Pat Sheehan has lived in this community of 14,000 south of Boston her whole life, so she's used to the media circus that comes to town whenever the New England Patriots advance to the Super Bowl.  "I can deal with the reporters taking up parking spaces downtown and cutting in line at the Dunkin' Donuts," she says.  "I just wish they'd learn to clean up after themselves."

Downtown Foxborough, Massachusetts

Sheehan is referring to the practice by members of the national media to shorten the town's name to "Foxboro" in stories they file for print and electronic outlets, leaving the streets littered with cast-aside U's, G's and H's.  "It's a matter of common courtesy, but the media big shots think they're too important to bother," she says.

Gillette Stadium

The cost of the clean-up is significant, straining the town's budget and forcing cutbacks in services such as the local anti-smoking officer, Earl "Bud" Dailey.  "My job is to stand around downtown and yell at kids to stop smoking," Dailey says.  "Due to budget cuts, I can only yell at half the kids, the others I just kinda scowl at."

"Hey--half of you kids stop smoking!"

National reporters say they are being discriminated against since local newspapers such as the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald also shorten the town's name, but Walter Endicott, assistant managing editor of the Globe, says the situation is more "nuanced" than that.  "We encourage our readers to recycle the extra letters on our puzzle page," he says.  "With a U, a G and an H, if you need a three letter word for 'wildebeest' you're two-thirds of the way there."

Wildebeest:  "What's gnu?"

It's not just the extra letters, say concerned residents such as Marla Townsend, it's also the over-the-top figures of speech that are thrown around during the two-week interval between the conference championships and the Super Bowl.  "I came out to get the paper one morning and there was a worn-out methaphor--'Brady is the Patriot's arm'--on my lawn.  It was disgusting."

Townsend, Sheehan and others like them aren't just complaining, however, they're taking action.  As the media buses roll out of the parking lot at Gillette Stadium today on their way to Logan Airport and flights to the Super Bowl in Glendale, Arizona, the women will be standing in silent protest along Route 1, holding signs to express their unhappiness. Their slogan:  "U-G-H spells 'UGH'."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year's NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.

Belichick:  "No single individual is more important than the team--except me, of course."

Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers.  "A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends," Belichick said in answer to a reporter's question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment.  Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back "Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936."

Bronco Nagurski

Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice "bubble" next to Gillette Stadium.  "If Tom doesn't play in two quarters of every game, he doesn't get his football letter," Belichick said.  "And he can't put 'Varsity Football, '08' next to his name in the yearbook."

Uh, looks okay now.

There is speculation among Brady's teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field.  "Tom really needs a new letter jacket," said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour.  "He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won't give it back."

"C'mon, give it back--it makes you look fat."

Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally "going steady" with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with "Tom" embroidered on the sleeve.  "I have told Tom to go to practice," Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York.  "He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBORO, Mass.  In what is turning into a contest of one-downsmanship more intense than any in NFL history, the New England Patriots and the Jacksonville Jaguars today escalated their war of words over which team gets less respect as they prepared for their first-round playoff game.

"Last year when we won our third Super Bowl people told me I could be president if I wanted," Patriots quarterback Tom Brady reminded a crowd of reporters at his locker.  "I'm still waiting," he said bitterly.

Jaguars quarterback Byron Leftwich, who has missed five games with a broken ankle, scoffed at Brady's complaint.  "He doesn't know what disrespect is," Leftwich angrily asserted.  "Saturday night I limped into a Denny's in Jacksonville and they offered me the Senior Citizens' discount--now that's disrespect."

Brady said his life has not been the storybook tale most people assume.  "Sophomore year at San Mateo Serra High, I ran for class sergeant-at-arms and lost.  It takes more than a decade to get over that kind of disappointment."

Jaguars cornerback Rashean Mathis said he would use Brady's poor self-image against him.  "You see it in a quarterback's eyes when they have low self-esteem.  That's when you can cheat a little and get an easy pick."

Brady claimed his early years were so discouraging that the Warren Zevon song "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me" was written about him.  When a reporter pointed out that Brady was born in 1977, while the song's copyright date is 1973, Brady became defensive.  "See," he said.  "There you go again!"

The winner of Saturday's game will receive the NFL's Rodney Dangerfield Award, given annually to the team that makes the most effective use of alleged disrespect as a motivational tool in the playoffs.

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman