CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. Carolina Panthers' wide receiver Steve Smith likes to say he can make an opposing team's home stadium "quiet as a liberry" with the explosive skills that produced 27 catches and three touchdowns for his team in last season's playoffs.
"You--be quiet!"
As a result, the Panthers acquired a reputation as the NFL's ultimate "Road Warriors", winning eight of ten away games during the regular season before falling to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship in Seattle, the most literate city in America according to USA Today.
Seattle Library: "Please leave your Half-caf, soy Maple Macchiatos outside."
What Smith didn't know was that Seattle libraries are actually bustling places and not the quiet refuges of yore, according to Priscilla Smith-Volker, head librarian at the city's downtown branch. "Goodness no, we have a lot going on," she said in her prim and proper manner. "There's story hour for the toddlers, a foreign film series, and perverts downloading child pornography at the computers."
Early in the second quarter of the Panthers' 34-14 loss to Seattle Smith was seen berating the Panthers' offensive staff on the sideline.
John Dewey: An organized guy.
"I told them to get me the damn ball, but they were totally disorganized. They were using Library of Congress Class Headings. You can't get to the Super Bowl 'less you use Dewey Decimal Classifications," he said, referring to the two principal library cataloging systems.
"Get me the damn ball, or let me renew War and Peace!"
Smith's 59-yard punt return for a touchdown shortly thereafter silenced the crowd at Seattle's Qwest Field for a while, but not without some changes in the Carolina game plan. "Dan Henning had filed our playbook under 'Sports, Recreational'," Smith noted, referring to the Panthers' offensive coordinator. "Goddam, man--he should have put it under 'Sports, Competitive'!"
Next time, just buy the book.
For his part, head coach John Fox refused to blame Smith or Panthers' quarterback Jake Delhomme, who threw three interceptions. "I take full responsibility," Fox said. "I came into town and tried to check out David Halberstam's book on Bill Belichick (The Education of a Coach) on a temporary library card. They told me I couldn't borrow any 'New Arrivals' unless I had a utility bill with a local address." As a result, Fox never learned the secrets of the Patriots' coaching genius.
"Next time I'll just spring for the $24.95 and buy it at the airport."
Con Chapman is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and "CannaCorn", a novel about minor league baseball to be published by Joshua Tree Publishing in 2009. He has written a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His articles and humor have appeared in newspapers and magazines including The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, and The Atlantic Monthly, among others.
