HOUSTON.  When the Houston Rockets looked in the mirror the morning after a 100-88 loss to the Philadelphia 76ers last night, they probably didn't like what they saw.  They're in fourth place in the Southwest Division of the Western Conference, and Tracy McGrady left the game in the second half with a sprained right ankle.

Afterwards Yao Ming challenged McGrady to step up his game or step down as team leader.  Yao's complaint?  "T-Mac has no liver," the Chinese center told reporters, speaking without a translator.

"What's he talking about?" was McGrady's reaction.  "If I didn't have a liver how the hell could I convert glucose into glycogen?"

The liver, without onions.

Asked to elaborate, Yao explained that the Chinese consider the liver--not the heart--to be the seat of human emotions and the source of inner strength.  "For 4,000 years Chinese know that emotions go as liver goes.  T-Mac should suck it up--that is all I am saying."

Heart = Liver

Yao substantiated his claim by showing reporters a pirated Chinese CD of the mid-70's girl group "Heart".  The rock band's name was translated as "Liver".

Battier:  "No, seriously--you can have one of my livers."

The charges are sure to divide a team desperately in need of unity.  Shane Battier came to McGrady's defense and pledged to donate one of his livers to the Rocket's leading scorer.  When informed that the human body contains only one such organ, Battier rescinded his offer.  "I thought they were like kidneys--you know, everybody starts out with a pair."

Coach Rick Adelman suggested that McGrady take time off to deal with his personal issues, and Yao seconded that notion.  "He should go to China where harvested body parts are plentiful.  He could get a liver for the price of Peking duck at a good restaurant."

GREENSBORO, North Carolina.  NCAA officials today smoothed Duke University's road to the Final Four by awarding the Blue Devils the overall no. 1 seed  shortly before tipoff in its ACC tournament final against Boston College.  Duke was also given first, second and third round byes in an effort to ensure that they reach the finals of "March Madness".

Myles Brand, NCAA President, said the decision was made to maximize television ratings of the national championship game, which have lagged in recently years with the Monday night success of The WB's "7th Heaven" and TNT's "Wanted".  "There's just something about Duke in the Final Four," Brand explained.  "If they're not in it, I probably wouldn't watch myself."

Other schools have complained about favoritism towards Duke in the past.  "Shane [Battier] got all the calls," said Gilbert Arenas, who played for Arizona in the 2001 championship game against Duke.  "One of the refs asked for his autograph, and another asked me to take his picture" with the Duke star. 

Duke haters have created web sites such as TruthaboutDuke.com, and conspiracy theorists blame the school, founded on tobacco wealth, for the spread of lung cancer and the clubbing of baby seals.

Under the package offered by the NCAA, each Duke player will receive a Rolex watch if the team wins its Elite Eight matchup, and a Cadillac Escalade if they advance to the finals.  Various other prizes, including the Nobel Prize in medicine and the Pulitzer Prize for outstanding musical composition, would be divvied up among the players if they are crowned national champions.

Head coach Mike Krzyzewski was offered $40 million to switch to the NBA's Los Angeles Lakers in 2004 but decided to stick with the school where he has won three national titles.  "I was told that Kobe Bryant swears in the huddle," he said at the time.  "As a coach of impressionable young men, that's my job." 

Krzyzewski, known for his sideline temper, is affectionately referred to as "Coach K" on Duke's web site because the school's sports information department is afraid of misspelling his last name.

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman