In the aftermath of Zinedine Zidane's head butt of Marco Materazzi in the final match of the World Cup, everybody wants to get into the act.
First, jockey Paul O'Neill head-butted his horse, City Affair.
Today's Boston Herald brings news of a more disturbing development. Jeffy, one of the cute little kids in the treacly comic strip Family Circus, head-butted his brother, causing the victim to ask "Do we hand out red cards?" (You'll have to take my word for it, as I've been unable to reproduce the cartoon with sufficient clarity.)
As a weapon, ZZ's top was formidable, as the French would say. More impressive was the technique with which he accomplished his coup. It was almost as if he were drawing on a reservoir of Gallic technique and years of training in deliberately circling his Italian adversary and then administering his blow to the chest with forceful precision.
Turns out he was. As described in somewhat frightening detail by Craig Gemeiner in "The Dirty Tricks of the French Apache", head-butting is a weapon of long-standing--dating back to the late 19th century--among French street gang members known as "apaches" (pronounced "ah-PASH"). And, like Zidane's, the properly executed head-butt includes an innocent-looking set-up; a request for the time of day or a light.
The apache approaches his victim without apparent malice then, when he is at close range, delivers a head butt to the solar plexus.
The element of surprise makes the move more effective, just as Zidane's unexpected lunge succeeded in knocking the Italian defender off his feet.
There are three headlines in American popular journalism that reappear regularly, like perennial flowers, 17-year cicadas or Halley's Comet.
Men Switching to Handbags, Says Fashion Expert.
Makeup Not Just for Women, Says Beauty Expert
Soccer On Verge of Major Sport Status
Excuse me while I dig in my purse for some lip gloss.
The fact that none of these predictions ever comes true does not deter reporters, since "Man Bites Dog" would be news, while "Dog Bites Man" is not.
But it's time to face the facts: Howard Cosell will return from the grave to host a revival of "Make That Spare!" before soccer moves closer to the front of the sports section than bowling.
Here's a prognostication for those who will consider their lives empty until a fifth major sport--network television contract included--is available to absorb what little time they currently devote to idle pursuits such as wives, children, church, community and pets.
You will be watching televised lacrosse before you ever lift your finger from the remote for a nanosecond to watch Major League Soccer. I'll bet you the "Wellesley United" t-shirt I earned as an assistant coach of third-grade 3-on-3 soccer.
Soccer and lacrosse are similar in at least two respects. Both are minor sports that have been played in the US for many years, but LAX was born here, while soccer is an immigrant. Lacrosse was played by Native Americans before James Naismith and family finished the peaches that emptied the basket that led to the game that LeBron plays.
Both games are wildly popular youth sports, but lacrosse is growing more rapidly; the only sport whose numbers are increasing at a faster rate is--bowling. (Note to self: Hold mirror vampire-style under Cosell's nose, just to be sure.)
At some point, however, those legions of young soccer players lose interest. It's not clear what happens, but the claim sometimes made that soccer would thrive if it could only get significant exposure on national TV confuses cause and effect.
It's like the view of the madman who thinks that because sidewalks are wet whenever it rains, wet sidewalks cause rain. Soccer doesn't succeed on national TV because it doesn't attract viewers.
By comparison, lacrosse--at least the indoor version--does. In some markets, the National Lacrosse League, an 11-team operation with three Canadian franchises, outdraws hockey and arena football and is competitive with NASCAR. The NLL Championship and All-Star games are played to packed houses, and the joints rock.
The reason? As the old joke goes, soccer has the low scoring interest of hockey, with none of the violence. Those who read reports of mayhem by British soccer hooligans know that in the game they call football, most of the physical contact occurs off the field.
Lacrosse, by contrast, is both a high-scoring sport--the average NLL game produces 25 goals--and has enough physical contact to satisfy the most discriminating connoisseur of NFL linebackers. Even hockey dads cringe when they see for the first time what lacrosse players are allowed to do to each other with sticks.
So this winter, when the Super Bowl has been played, the NBA is in its mid-season doldrums, the NHL Game of the Week is a high-scoring 0-0 affair and pitchers and catchers have yet to report, turn to the channel with indoor lacrosse.
ELK GROVE, Illinois. The American Academy of Pediatrics today recommended that all soccer players under the age of 24 wear helmets while playing or practicing to avoid injuries from "headers," the practice of hitting an airborne ball with one's head in order to pass or score.
"We stopped short of recommending air bags, but we couldn't overlook the fact that hitting a soccer ball with your head produces an impact nearly twice as powerful as a collision between football players," said AAP Executive Director Neil Michaels. "It's a 50g force, which can cause long-term neurologic damage."
The group also recommended that soccer players be allowed to pick up the ball and run with it, and to pass it forward to other players. "Once the kids have helmets on, there's no reason why they shouldn't have some fun," noted Michaels. "Kids try headers because they get bored poking a ball around with their feet. Soccer's too much like work."
The President's Council on Youth Fitness supported the pediatricians' recommendations. "Soccer is responsible for more third world deaths than malaria," noted Fritz Wilson, Chairman of that bi-partisan body. "You don't see people getting killed after championship games in America, except maybe in Boston, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angeles and New York. Wait--I forgot Miami."
Wilson said he would support federal legislation to convert soccer "goals" into "touchdowns" worth six points, with a "free kick" afterwards worth an "extra point." "Let's face it," he said, "soccer's biggest problem is low scores, not a couple of kids with concussions."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
