News item: NASA allowed astronauts to fly drunk.  Associated Press

GROUND CONTROL:  Shuttle Commander, this is Houston, do you read me?

Van Morrison

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  "You, my-y, Brown-Eyed Girl.  Do you remember when . . ."

GROUND CONTROL:  Shuttle Commander--

CO-PILOT:  The voices--why won't the voices stop? 

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Oh, Christ--it's Cape Canaveral. 

CO-PILOT:  Didn't we take off from Houston?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Whatever.  Hey guy--what's going on?

GROUND CONTROL:  You're supposed to use official terms like "Roger" or "Copy".

CO-PILOT:  Who's Roger?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  The guy who's always eating out of the Tang jar.

CO-PILOT:  Gross.

GROUND CONTROL:  We were recording some erratic flight movements so I thought I'd give you a call.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  That's awfully god-damned nice of you.

GROUND CONTROL:  You guys--uh--quit drinking last night when I told you to--right?

CO-PILOT:  Actually, we still had about half the bottle of gin left, and I figured we'd be gone for a long time and it might go bad.

GROUND CONTROL:  Gin doesn't go bad.

CO-PILOT:  Oh, right.  It was the tonic.  We didn't want it to go flat.

GROUND CONTROL:  All right.  What are you guys doing?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Now?

GROUND CONTROL:  Yes, now--when did you think I meant?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:   Uh, we're playing zero-gravity beer pong.

GROUND CONTROL:  What?

CO-PILOT:  Hair of the dog that bit you, man.

GROUND CONTROL:  You guys are nuts!

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  I know--it's really hard when the ball's weightless.

GROUND CONTROL:  Guys--I thought we had an understanding.

CO-PILOT:  Right.  We're not allowed to drink in outer space unless we go up in the Space Shuttle first--for safety's sake.

GROUND CONTROL:  That's not how I remember it.  Anyway, you're shut off.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Aw, c'mon!  I just cracked open a Miller High Life, the Champagne of Bottle Beers!

GROUND CONTROL:  How do you keep it from flying all around?

CO-PILOT:  Sippy-cups.  Hey--why don't we do bar bets.  Each one we win, we get to have another round.

GROUND CONTROL:  Let me check my Shuttle Employee Manual.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  It's under the "Bottle-to-Throttle" rule at tab 7.

GROUND CONTROL:  You're right--here it is.  Let's see, astronauts are not allowed to drink within 12 hours of liftoff--

CO-PILOT:  We already broke that one.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  See--we're okay.  It doesn't say anything about in-flight drinking.

GROUND CONTROL:  All right.  I guess there's nothing I can do to stop you.  Fire away.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Who made the first three-point shot in NBA history?

Chris Ford

GROUND CONTROL:  Please--don't insult my intelligence.  Chris Ford.

CO-PILOT:  My turn.  Have two National League teams ever played against each other in the World Series?

GROUND CONTROL:  That's impossible.  You have to have one from the American League--

CO-PILOT:  So your answer is?

GROUND CONTROL:  No.

Cardinals Bruce Sutter and Darrell Porter celebrate the last out of the '82 Series against the Brewers.

CO-PILOT:  BAAAP!  You're wrong.  1982--Cardinals versus Brewers.

GROUND CONTROL:  The Brewers were in the American League then--

CO-PILOT:  Another beer for both of us.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  You got him that time. 

CO-PILOT:  I'm going to go get some chips.  You need anything?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  I need to go to the bathroom but you can't do that for me.

GROUND CONTROL:  Somebody's got to stay on the flight deck at all times, okay?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  One last question then I gotta take a leak.  Name the Jewish ballplayer with the highest season batting average in baseball history.

Hank Greenberg

GROUND CONTROL:  Uh--let's see.  Hank Greenberg?

Rod Carew:  Mazel tov!

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Nope--Rod Carew.  .388 in 1977.

GROUND CONTROL:  Rod Carew isn't Jewish, he's Panamanian or something.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  He converted--like Sammy Davis, Jr.

GROUND CONTROL:  That's a trick question.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  No use crying over spilt beer.

CO-PILOT:  Hey, we're out of chips.

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Ground control, permission to change course requested.

GROUND CONTROL:  Why--where are you going?

SHUTTLE COMMANDER:  Phobos, one of Mars' moons.  There's a 7-11 there.  We'll bring you back a Slurpee.

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman