FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year's NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.

Belichick:  "No single individual is more important than the team--except me, of course."

Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers.  "A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends," Belichick said in answer to a reporter's question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment.  Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back "Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936."

Bronco Nagurski

Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice "bubble" next to Gillette Stadium.  "If Tom doesn't play in two quarters of every game, he doesn't get his football letter," Belichick said.  "And he can't put 'Varsity Football, '08' next to his name in the yearbook."

Uh, looks okay now.

There is speculation among Brady's teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field.  "Tom really needs a new letter jacket," said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour.  "He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won't give it back."

"C'mon, give it back--it makes you look fat."

Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally "going steady" with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with "Tom" embroidered on the sleeve.  "I have told Tom to go to practice," Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York.  "He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBORO, Mass.  Ever since Pittsburgh Steelers' wide receiver Lynn Swann worked out with a ballet instructor to improve his footwork in the 70's, football coaches have tried dance-based training methods to gain a competitive edge.

In a sign that ideas are starting to flow in both directions between the pigskin and terpsichorean worlds, several modern dance companies have recently hired NFL down linemen to help them create and perfect edgy pieces that reach out to new audiences and explore non-traditional balletic themes.

For example, the Luminaria Dance Collective in Cambridge, Mass. has hired Richard Seymour, the Patriots' All-Pro defensive end, to work with its principal ballerina and other dancers on a new piece tentatively entitled "Smash the State: PoliticArt".  The work, choreographed by the group's artistic director Trish Islington, seeks to "portray by movement and gesture the nexus between post-industrial capitalism and imperialistic adventurism exemplified by the war in Iraq," in the words of the company's brochure.

"We looked at a lot of game film," said Islington, "and we found in Richard Seymour the ur-pass rusher, the embodiment of massive movement, that we needed as a model for our dancers."

Seymour says he is teaching the group the techniques he uses to stop the run and flatten quarterbacks.  "I showed 'em one thing I do, I give the center a helmet slap with my right hand, then bring my left arm over his head real quick so by the time his ears stop ringing I'm already past him.  They liked that one."

Islington is a firm believer in creating dances from raw experience, and has even gone one-on-one with Seymour in an effort to understand the violence that is at the core of pro football and, she believes, American society.

"Richard stood me up with a forearm, then put a spin move on me," she said in a telephone conversation from her room at Mt. Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where she is recovering from blunt trauma to the head.  "I saw stars, which to me was like the American flag--all gaudy and proud and obnoxious."

In the heartland, Colts' pass rusher Dwight Freeney is on retainer with the Indianapolis Civic Ballet as a consultant, causing some of the male dancers in the company to fear for their jobs.  "He is so strong," said Ian Lemling, who has a degree in dance from Skidmore College and performed at Jacob's Pillow in the Berkshires last summer.  "With the NFL's strict rules on blockers' use of their hands, he's going to blow by me every time."

Copyright 2005, Con Chapman