CLEVELAND, Ohio. As Rasheed Wallace walked off the floor at Quicken Loans Arena last night following Detroit's 74-72 loss to the Cleveland, he faced massive liabilities. He had guaranteed that the Pistons would win and that the Cavaliers would play for the last time this season in front of their home fans, and his detractors smelled blood in the water.
"The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises," said Wallace's attorney, Morton Sokolow. "Rasheed could have been in deep doo-doo."
But thanks to Sokolow's advice, Wallace minimized his exposure with a "pre-packaged" plan under which fans will receive minimal payouts based on their age and the amount they invested, financially and emotionally, in a Pistons' victory. Meanwhile attorneys for the parties will take home millions, as is often the case with consumer class actions.
"Back off, jack--I got a prepack," Wallace barked at a fan as he made his way into the visitors' locker room.
Under the plan, fans under five years old will receive a tub of Artgum Modeling Clay. "Artgum is top of the line," Wallace told reporters. "You can make anything with it--dinosaurs, puppies--you name it." Fans aged five to ten will receive two boxes of "Mike and Ike", the fruit-flavored candy. "I like that stuff, man," Wallace said. "It's got vitamin C in it," he asserted, before Sokolow cut him off. "Strike that from the record," the lawyer said to members of the press, and then in a sidebar to his client, "Rasheed--no more substantive claims."
Teenagers and fans in their twenties will receive a twelve-piece box of Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks, tender haddock fillets rolled in a crisp, golden-brown coating. "Mrs. Paul and I go way back," Wallace said when he heard groans from reporters. "Young people oughta be eatin' more fish instead of all them hamburgers and french fries."
Adults will receive coupons good for a mail-in rebate on a family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, unless they wagered on the outcome of the game, in which case they will receive nothing. "Gambling's illegal," Sokolow pointed out.
Sokolow and his firm will receive $10 million in fees, and counsel for affected fans will split $12 million that Wallace found behind the sofa cushions in his living room.
DENVER. Nuggets' power forward Kenyon Martin was in stable condition today after a team of doctors worked through the night to graft skin from his calves and buttocks onto his upper arms to give him critically-needed space for more tattoos.
"Kenyon should be all right," said Dr. Amelia Rogers, Head of Plastic Surgery at Denver General Hospital. "We were able to give him another nine square inches of epidermis in the bicep areas, which will permit him to mark up his body like a toddler's coloring book for many years to come."
In a recent response to a fan's question on the team's "Ask A Nugget" on-line forum, Martin said that he had "like nineteen or twenty tattoos," with his favorite being the image of his son on his right bicep.
The NBA does not keep statistics on tattoos, although it is considering a "tattoo cap" similar to the salary cap in place under the league's current collective bargaining agreement. Teams could trade a heavily-tattooed center for a guard from Brigham Young, for example, thereby freeing up space to make acquisitions or sign a draft pick.
Other NBA players expressed sympathy when they learned of Martin's hospitalization. "Man, that day is coming for all of us," said Rasheed Wallace of the Pistons, who has a tattoo of the sun on his right shoulder. "Suppose they discover a solar system close to ours? I might not have enough room left for another luminous celestial body."
Tattoos were invented by the Maoris, a Polynesian aboriginal group native to New Zealand. The Maoris play a game called "Ki-o-rahi," which is noted for imaginative handling and passing of a "ki" or ball. They are great admirers of Speedy Claxton, the New Orleans-Oklahoma City point guard, and follow the NBA by short-wave radio.
Maori tribal leader Nga Tamatoa wished Martin a speedy recovery in a letter delivered to him in the hospital this morning. "May the Great Power Forward heal quickly," Tamatoa wrote, "so that you may acquire much bling to the end of your days."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
