The NFL has hired experts to identify gang-related hand signals used by players.  FoxSports.com

Roger Goodell, Commissioner

National Football League

280 Park Avenue

New York NY 10017

"This is not a gang-related hand signal." 

Dear Commissioner Goodell:

Please consider this as my application for the position of NFL Gang Hand-Signal Monitor.  A copy of my resume is enclosed.  I believe I have the experience and enthusiasm to make an excellent Gang Hand-Signal Monitor who will protect the NFL's brand from corruption by association with thuggish street gangs, as opposed to thuggish interior linebackers and cornerbacks.

A brief summary of my background:

West Side Story

I first became interested in gang culture when my sister bought the original cast album of "West Side Story" in the 1960s.  We would sit and listen for hours to "Maria" and "Somewhere", she singing along with Carol Lawrence, me snapping my fingers in time to Leonard Bernstein's music.  In my mind, the clash of the Sharks and the Jets remains the quintessential gang conflict.  I know the Jets are in the AFC East, but I thought the Sharks were a hockey team--please advise.

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.

I began to play football, two-hand-touch below the waist, and soon experienced gang violence first hand as I was gang-tackled by the Hogan brothers, the Lamy brothers and the Arnest brothers shortly after I hauled in my first kickoff and headed upfield.  Thereafter, I played down lineman in a two-man front, three-Mississippi before you rush the passer.

The Fonz

In the 1970's, I switched my allegiance to Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli's Falcons, an expansion team.  Their arch-rival was the Demons.  A review of the NFL's web site does not indicate the current location of this team.  Were they moved to Los Angeles?

More recently, I have spent a great deal of time reviewing game film from the hit musical "Grease", which features the T-Birds, a bunch of greasers who wear black leather jackets.  I believe this gang has already made significant inroads among Oakland Raiders season ticket holders.

I think you will agree that, based on the above-described experience and interests, I am well-qualified for the position I seek.  I look forward to hearing from you.  A self-addressed stamped envelope is enclosed for your reply.

Let's keep the violence on the field and off the streets!