FOXBORO, Mass.  Last Sunday, New England Patriots fan Larry McGrory was in police custody after a SWAT team coaxed him in off the ledge of a three-story office building when he threatened to commit suicide as last year's MVP, quarterback Tom Brady, went down with a season-ending knee injury.  "He probably wouldn't have killed himself," says Sergeant Bill Hampy, "but he could have done serious damage to one of the cars in the parking lot."

"I'm gonna kill myself."

Today McGrory had to be stunned with a Taser gun after the Pats beat the favored New York Jets 19-10 on the road, as police found him trying to scale the fence at Gillette Stadium to be first in line to buy tickets for Super Bowl XLIII.  "We're going all the way, baby!" McGrory shouted.  "I've waited--what--eight months for this?"

"Yes--2 and 0!"

Students of the mass psychology of pro football rank the New England Patriots high on the bipolar fandom scale, a measure of the mood swings of a team's followers used by NFL security to prevent self-inflicted injuries by fans who stick foam #1 fingers into nostrils and other bodily orifices.  "We keep track of every team other than the Detroit Lions and the Arizona Cardinals," said Col. Jeffrey Miller, the NFL's Director of Strategic Security.  "It's unlikely anyone is going to go nuts after being in a coma for 50 years."

Mosi Tatupu and Babe Parilli

Following Brady's injury, undercover agents infiltrated several Patriot suicide cults, including the Sons of Mosi Tatupu and the Brotherhood of Babe Parilli, both of which were prepared to drink poisoned Kool-Aid, in the manner of the Guyana "Jonestown" cult in 1978, if the Patriots did not beat the spread against the Jets today.

"Go Pats!"

"Thankfully, there was no loss of life," said Foxboro's Hampy, "although a lot of money was lost by people who bet the 'over'."

The NFL has hired experts to identify gang-related hand signals used by players.  FoxSports.com

Roger Goodell, Commissioner

National Football League

280 Park Avenue

New York NY 10017

"This is not a gang-related hand signal." 

Dear Commissioner Goodell:

Please consider this as my application for the position of NFL Gang Hand-Signal Monitor.  A copy of my resume is enclosed.  I believe I have the experience and enthusiasm to make an excellent Gang Hand-Signal Monitor who will protect the NFL's brand from corruption by association with thuggish street gangs, as opposed to thuggish interior linebackers and cornerbacks.

A brief summary of my background:

West Side Story

I first became interested in gang culture when my sister bought the original cast album of "West Side Story" in the 1960s.  We would sit and listen for hours to "Maria" and "Somewhere", she singing along with Carol Lawrence, me snapping my fingers in time to Leonard Bernstein's music.  In my mind, the clash of the Sharks and the Jets remains the quintessential gang conflict.  I know the Jets are in the AFC East, but I thought the Sharks were a hockey team--please advise.

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way.

I began to play football, two-hand-touch below the waist, and soon experienced gang violence first hand as I was gang-tackled by the Hogan brothers, the Lamy brothers and the Arnest brothers shortly after I hauled in my first kickoff and headed upfield.  Thereafter, I played down lineman in a two-man front, three-Mississippi before you rush the passer.

The Fonz

In the 1970's, I switched my allegiance to Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli's Falcons, an expansion team.  Their arch-rival was the Demons.  A review of the NFL's web site does not indicate the current location of this team.  Were they moved to Los Angeles?

More recently, I have spent a great deal of time reviewing game film from the hit musical "Grease", which features the T-Birds, a bunch of greasers who wear black leather jackets.  I believe this gang has already made significant inroads among Oakland Raiders season ticket holders.

I think you will agree that, based on the above-described experience and interests, I am well-qualified for the position I seek.  I look forward to hearing from you.  A self-addressed stamped envelope is enclosed for your reply.

Let's keep the violence on the field and off the streets!

FOXBORO, Mass.  As the NFL levied multiple fines on the New England Patriots and their head coach Bill Belichick for filming the New York Jets' defensive signals last Sunday, insiders say the league has ignored evidence of cheating by the three-time Super Bowl winner for years.

Wesleyan University

"You know how he cuts the sleeves off his sweatshirts?" asked retired Rams' scout Mark Mortensen.  "He started that when he was in college at Wesleyan.  He'd write exam answers on the inside of his sleeves, roll them up during the test then cut them off afterwards to destroy the evidence."

The "sleeveless" sweatshirt.

As proof, Mortensen produces a Wesleyan sweatshirt with the numbers 1066, 1215, 1776 and 1941.  "The first three are easy," he notes.  "Battle of Hastings, Magna Carta, Declaration of Independence.  The fourth is the tipoff that this is legit."  How so, a reporter asks.  "1941 was the year Don Faurot invented the split-T formation at Missouri." 

Don Faurot: Inventor of the split-T formation.

Others who have known Belichick have come forward to corroborate the allegations made by Jets' coach Eric Magnini.  "I played squash against him at Wesleyan," says Carter Wirtz, an investment banker in New York.  "We were tied at 13 all when he nicked the tin on a reverse three-wall boast.  I've never forgotten how brazenly he denied it."

"Practice hike--hike!"

Several of Belichick's boyhood playmates from Annapolis, Maryland say the man who is credited with bringing the "homeless" look to NFL sidelines was cutting corners before he hit puberty.  "We were playing two-hand-touch-below-the-waist, three-Mississippi before you rush the passer, and Billy was always sacking me," says Ernie Weiss, now a local hardware dealer.  "I finally figured out that he was abbreviating it to 'Miss.'"

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

PHOENIX.  As the NFL's competition committee emerged from a closed-door session and announced that the league would retain its current overtime format in which the correct call of a coin toss almost inevitably produces a win, player personnel vice presidents began to reconsider their special teams needs.

Dungy with top prospect:  "He can feel the weather in his bones."

"We need a guy who can process a lot of information in a very short period of time," said Scott Pioli of the New England Patriots.  "We're looking at Weng Chen, a 185-pound physics major from MIT who had a 4.3 second time in the quadratic equation at the NFL Draft Combine."

Bob Dylan:  Contrary to what he said, you do need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Indianapolis head coach Tony Dungy said the Colts would forego the Patriots' cerebral approach in favor of a meteorology major, probably Al Salerno of Eastern Michigan if he is available.  "Otherwise we may see who's available in the free agent market after sweeps week among local TV weathermen."

Scouts at the NFL Draft Combine:  "This kid tends to get nervous and call tails when the pocket collapses around him."

Last season 64% of NFL teams that won the overtime coin toss went on to win the game, 35% lost, and the remaining 1% were abducted by aliens and sold to Arena Football League teams.

"Resistance is futile--we are taking you to the Quad City Steamrollers."

Contrary to popular belief, a random series of coin tosses using a statistically-valid sample will not produce an equal number of "heads" and "tails", with the precise variation depending on the type of coin.  "George Washington wears that wig, so you've got to keep that in mind when the ref breaks out a quarter," says Baltimore Ravens coin toss specialist Michael Gerrard.  "Sacagawea's got that baby on her back, which throws guys off and then you have to do an on-side kick."

The sleeper of the draft may be Ricky Theobald, of Tula, Mississippi, who did not play college football but who has worked at a convenience store since he was fourteen.

Ricky Theobald:  He can count the whiskers on Lincoln's chin.

"The kid has an incredible feel for the game," says New York Jets' head coach Eric Mangini.  "He can tell you whether the Roosevelt on your dime is in his first or his fourth term as President."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

HEMPSTEAD, N.Y.  Stealing a page from Mel Gibson's playbook, New York Jets running back Kevan Barlow is calling on friends and colleagues in the pro football community to support his claim that San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan is "like ####."

"It's true," said former teammate Trent Dilfer.  "The West Coast offense is in many ways comparable to the blitzkreig tactics of ####'s Panzer tank divisions."

Ben Sobieski, a San Francisco offensive linemen of Polish extraction, agreed.  "One time Corey Smith beat me in the 'Oklahoma' drill and Nolan said 'Just like a Polack--you let guys invade your backfield.'  That really hurt."

Gibson, a former People Magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" award winner, was pulled over in July by a Hollywood policeman and launched into a tequila-fueled tirade against Jews, blaming them for "all the wars in the world" and long lines in delicatessens.   Abraham Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League, accepted the Australian star's apology in exchange for a videocassette of "Braveheart" and a tour of the set of "The Passion of the Christ II: Summer Vacation", Gibson's current work-in-progress.

Gibson called upon an A-list of film industry friends to back up his claim that he is not anti-Semitic, merely stupid, and Barlow hopes that a similar strategy will help him counter charges that he trivialized the evil of the #### leader and his "final solution" to wipe out Jews, ####s, gypsies and others he considered "degenerate". 

"I'm sure Kevan didn't mean anything bad by that remark," said Trina, a member of the 49ers "Gold Rush" dance team who likes puppies and kittens.  "I mean, #### is like a really famous person, right?"

NASSAU, Bahamas.   Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a potential candidate to replace retiring NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, today told reporters that she will instead leave her post in the Bush cabinet to head a new competing football league with teams around the world.

"Condi's stared down heads of state from Abu Dhabi to Zaire," State Department spokesman William Willis explained to reporters after the announcement.  "She would find it hard to get excited about an NFL owner whose knowledge of foreign relations is limited to the breakfast buffet at the International House of Pancakes."

An avid football fan, Rice made the announcement after meeting here with representatives of the Carribbean Community and Common Market, a regional trade bloc.  She then led the foreign ministers in a game of touch football on the beach, where she torched a cornerback from Suriname on a sideline-and-up pattern for the longest score of the day.  "That sucker bit on the pump fake," Rice said after spiking the ball, an act that cost her team five yards on the ensuing kickoff under the strict laws of this island nation.

The International Football League will begin play in 2007 and will bring America's most popular professional sport to areas of the world where poverty and malnutrition make everyday life a bleak struggle to survive.  "Condi hopes to bring the same sort of joy to the third world that fans of the New York Jets experience when they have a .500 season," President Bush said in accepting her resignation.

Rice, a long-time follower of the Cleveland Browns, is apparently still bitter about the decision by owner Art Modell to move the team to Baltimore, where they became the Ravens.   As head of a league of sovereign franchises comparable to the United Nations, Rice will have the power to dispatch troops to hot-spots around the world, and is said to have her eye on a possible retaliatory strike.  "If I was the Ravens general manager," said NFL Today reporter Marv Kupcinek, "I'd be on 'orange' alert."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman