DALLAS.  With skyrocketing player salaries and rising materials costs undermining their ability to build state-of-the stadiums, owners of professional sports teams find themselves between a rock and a hard place these days.  "It used to be we could look to the state or the city for a little something to cover infrastructure," says Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones.  "Now they tell us they've gone and blown all their money on stupid stuff like schools, firemen and policemen, and we're left high and dry."  

Texas Stadium:  "Hey--I was sitting there!"

So Jones, who had already imposed "personal seat licenses" on long-time fans which, for as much as $150,000, merely give them the right to buy season tickets, came up with the idea of the "personal butt license" to cover his funding gap.  "The seat license gives you the right to buy the ticket to the seat," says Martin Zimwurtz, an economist who studies professional sports because it's more fun than poverty.  "The butt license gives you the right to put your fanny in the seat that is licensed to you."

"Dude--I got a personal body paint license!"

Other teams with new stadiums on the drawing board are looking closely at the Cowboys' move, and considering other add-on fees of their own.  "Many of our fans like to touch inappropriate parts of their bodies while the TV cameras are scanning the stands," says New York Giants' co-owner John Mara.  "That depresses our advertising revenues, so people are going to have to 'pay to pick' if they want us to win another Super Bowl."

In Arizona, where the football Cardinals just moved into the University of Phoenix and Mel's Weed-Wacker Supply Stadium, patrons can upgrade to body odor-free seats for a one-time Air Wick Room De-odorizer charge.

"A lot of our fans get kinda sweaty on the long walk from the parking lot to their seats, so we're putting six-foot room de-odorizers in designated VIP seating sections," says Arthur Bidwill, Vice President of Nepotism for the team.  "The addition of these fine Air Wick products will not interfere with play on the field, where our team always stinks."

GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass.  This town in western Massachusetts is home to Belcher's Cave, once a hideout for criminals but now primarily a weekend destination for amateur spelunkers.  "We have to fish a lot of college kids out who go down with a six-pack of beer and can't find their way back up," says caretaker Ewell Burns.   "It's a pain in the butt on Sunday morning."

Secret entrance to Belcher's Cave

For the past two weeks, however, the cave has been crowded with another hungover group; New England Patriots' fans hunkered down fearing an end to the world after their team's 17-14 loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII.  "It's the hardcore front-runners," says State Parks Ranger Art Sowell.  "The ones who aren't old enough to remember '85 and '97," the years in which the Patriots lost their first two Super Bowls to the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers.

US soldier cautiously approaches cave entrance.

The practice of holing up in a cave following a crushing defeat originated with the Japanese following the end of World War II, according to Norman Doyle, a professor of history at Smith College.  "After a blow-out win at Pearl Harbor, the Japanese were odds-on favorites to win the Pacific Divison," he notes.  "When they lost the Battle of Midway a lot of fans left early to beat the traffic because they could see the end coming."

Mosi Tatupu

The Sons of Mosi Tatupu, a paramilitary cult named after a retired Patriots running back, entered the cave shortly after Plaxico Burress burned Patriots' corner back Ellis Hobbs in single coverage for the go-ahead score.  Members vowed to commit seppuku--ritual suicide--if the Patriots did not come back to win the game, but were distracted from their deadly vow by the Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls competition, which was piped into the cave by concerned public health authorities.

"Grassy knoll", Dallas, Texas

New England fans have searched for a "grassy knoll" to support their conspiracy theory that officiating errors gave the Giants extra time to put together their miracle drive, but because the game was played in the Arizona desert they have so far come up empty. 

"It's bumper-to-bumper in front of the cheese dog stand."

"We thought we saw one of those black helicopters the UN is gonna send when they take over America," said Len Sklarski of Chicopee, Mass. "Turns out it was the KYDJ Skywatch Traffic Reporter."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

NEW YORK.  He was the longest of long shots--longer than Joe Namath's Jets--and for that reason he is today the toast of the town.  One hundred winners had preceded him, but never before had his team won it all.

How sweet it is!

"Yeah baby!" shouted Sam de Franza, a sanitation worker from Flushing, Queens, as the champ rolled past in a Cadillac convertible he won as the top dog in the country.  "This is for all the #### we've had to put up with all these years!"

"Please--curb your dogs!"

The celebration came to a stop outside Gracie Mansion, the mayor's residence and a silent film star of the thirties, where crowds began to chant "Uno-Uno-Uno", expressing the city-wide sentiment that the underdog had indeed proven he was number one.

Gracie Mansion:  "Please don't pee on the tulips!"

Uno, a black and tan beagle nearing his third birthday, had just been named "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club show, the first beagle in the 69 year history of the "World Series of Dogs" to win it all.  "Sixty-nine years, baby!" Uno shouted to the crowd as he accepted a dog biscuit in the shape of a key to the city from Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  "That's 483 dog years!"

"I can't believe I lost to that mutt!"

Uno had attracted big bets from New Yorkers who viewed the favorite, a standard poodle, as overrated and vulnerable to the beagle's short stride on the Westminster green carpet.  "There's a lot of bookies licking their you-know-whats this morning!" Bloomberg said to roars of approval, milking the moment for all its political value.

"Let's try the hook 'n ladder play--on two.  Break!"

Uno says he will take some time off after playing in the Dog Bowl, an all-star affair pitting east and west coast breeds against each other in Hawaii, a post-season tradition.  Then it will be back to the film room to see how he can improve his game for next season.  "You want to run with the big dogs," he says in his native southern accent, "you got to get off the porch."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

GLENDALE, Arizona.   Concerned about the risk of career-ending injuries, former pro quarterback Archie Manning today announced that his sons Peyton and Eli would retire from football and stand at stud for sports-crazy parents who want to produce future signal callers from his proven bloodline.

"I get the blonde."

"I don't want my boys to get sacked like Joe Theismann and have to be put down to the role of television color commentator," Manning said.  "They can make just as much money servicing broodmares--I mean housewives--all over the country and never throw another interception."

"I'm sorry Joe--we're going to have to put you to sleep."

The market for athletic stud services is young, but equine syndicators estimate that it could become a billion-dollar business in just a few years.  "People are willing to pay good money to get sperm from Nobel Prize winners," said Blakemore Jones of Kentucky's Post Time Thoroughbreds.  "Which would you rather have--a kid who's an NFL quarterback or one who's a gloomy Norwegian novelist?"

Sigrid Undset, Gloomy Norwegian Novelist, 1928 Nobel Prize Winner in Literature

Following the New York Giants' victory over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, the Mannings are the first brothers to win back-to-back professional football championships, and their market price is probably at its peak.  Otto Graham led the Cleveland Browns to the championship of the All-America Football Conference in 1948, the year after his mother served as the team's signal caller.

Otto Graham: "Aw, Mom--do I have to run the naked bootleg?"

The Manning brothers say they won't mind leaving football behind for the bordello.  "You ever seen Dwight Freeney?" asked Eli Manning, referring to his brother's pass-rushing teammate.   "One missed block and that guy tears me apart like a half-price bucket of chicken wings."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

GLENDALE, Arizona.  New England Patriots' wide receiver Randy Moss today asked an Arizona state court to grant a temporary restraining order requiring the New York Giants' safeties and cornerbacks to stay at least 500 feet away from him until the conclusion of Super Bowl XLII, and the judge assigned to the case took the request under advisement.

Curtis Montague Schilling Federal Courthouse, Glendale AZ

"The parties shall submit briefs in support of or in opposition to the motion by close of business Thursday," said Superior Court Judge Thomas W. Twohig, "and I will issue my ruling on or before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, which is when 2-for-1 Chalupa Hour begins at Eddie's Mexican Grille."

"Just stay away, dig?"

Moss is himself the subject of a restraining order handed down by a court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which requires him to stay at least 500 feet from Rachelle Washington, a woman who both agree is a "longtime friend" of Moss.  "That's just how folks relate down here," said Eddie Jefferson, an acquaintance of the two.  "You get a TRO against me, and I get a preliminary injunction against you.  It's kinda like WASPy women give each other hostess gifts at a party."

"A permanent injunction?  You shouldn't have!"

Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick said Washington's restraining order would not affect the team's game plan for the Super Bowl, the fourth in six years for the franchise.  "We'll play a zone against her, which cuts out a lot of curl patterns," he said, drawing a diagram on a white board behind him.  "If she tries to blackmail our wide receivers, we'll run crossing patterns over the middle."

Free the Chalupa 2!

Moss broke the NFL single-season mark of 22 touchdown catches in 2007, hauling in his record-breaking twenty-third score against the Giants in the final game of the season.  Moss complained about illegal contact by the Giants' cornerbacks and safeties during the game, saying they cramped his style.  "I like a sleek, padless look for playoff games," he said.  "They made me look slow until I burned them for the go-ahead score."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

FOXBOROUGH, Mass.  New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year's NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.

Belichick:  "No single individual is more important than the team--except me, of course."

Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers.  "A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends," Belichick said in answer to a reporter's question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment.  Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back "Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936."

Bronco Nagurski

Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice "bubble" next to Gillette Stadium.  "If Tom doesn't play in two quarters of every game, he doesn't get his football letter," Belichick said.  "And he can't put 'Varsity Football, '08' next to his name in the yearbook."

Uh, looks okay now.

There is speculation among Brady's teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field.  "Tom really needs a new letter jacket," said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour.  "He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won't give it back."

"C'mon, give it back--it makes you look fat."

Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally "going steady" with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with "Tom" embroidered on the sleeve.  "I have told Tom to go to practice," Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York.  "He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman

KING CITY, Mo.  In this small town in northwestern Missouri, breeding animals is a way of life.  "My daddy bred jackalopes," says Ernest "Woody" Fredrick, referring to the cross between a jackrabbit and an antelope that is rarely seen outside of the Midwest.  "But what Wehrli Farms is doing is something new."

Roger Wehrli

Fredrick is referring to an experiment currently being conducted by Roger Wehrli, a Hall of Fame defensive back for the University of Missouri Tigers and the NFL's Cardinals when they played in St. Louis, and one of the last, great white cornerbacks.  "He may fail," says Oren Daily, Jr., a professor of animal husbandry at the University of Missouri's Rolla campus.  "But when an animal faces extinction, you've got to do something."

Wehrli Farms

Cornerbacks breed without difficulty in nature, often producing children by cheerleaders and other exotic species.  "In captivity, it's a different story," says Daily.  "They get all skittish if they can't roam from one bar to another, or at least nibble on a sideline reporter during a game."

4H Club:  "Next year I'm gonna raise me a cornerback with a quick first step to the ball."

So the prospects for success are not great, but the Wehrlis, in cooperation with the Missouri Department of Agriculture's Extension Service, have brought three white high school cornerbacks to their farm for breeding purposes, mating them to leggy young girls provided by the John Alston Modeling Agency of Kansas City.

"These are the same girls you see modeling fashion undergarments in regional newspapers," Daily says.  "They've been chosen for their low body fat, and their willingness to slap you silly if you try to run a crossing route through their push-up bras."

Jason Sehorn

The last white cornerback in the NFL was Jason Sehorn, who played for the New York Giants before a knee injury ended his career.  Sehorn has only one son, and environmentalists have become concerned that "The Species"--as Sehorn was known during his playing days--may die out if breeding in captivity fails.

"There is a 15-yard penalty on the offense for excessive celebration."

"Perhaps we've been focusing too much on baby seals and whales," concedes Evan Winslow of the Sierra Club.  "I've never seen a whale master the Cover 2 defense."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

NEW YORK.  Responding to a claim by Philadelphia Eagles' quarterback Donovan McNabb that black quarterbacks face more pressure and criticism than their white counterparts, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell agreed to provide reparations to teams with an African-American signal-caller, beginning with tonight's Eagles-New York Giants contest.

McNabb:  "Fourth and less than a yard--I'll take those reparations now!"

"This has the potential to be a real public relations disaster," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  "I say let's cave and put it behind us."

Forty acres and a mule.

Under the proposal, modelled after the aborted "40 acres and a mule" program of post-Civil War reparations ordered by Union General William Tecumseh Sherman, each starting quarterback of African-American descent would receive 40 yards and a Cadillac Escalade, to be used as he sees fit.

Escalade:  400 horsepower, 600 mulepower.

"This is going to change the balance of power in both conferences," says Art Reed, a columnist for Pro Football Insider.  "You probably want to have a black on the roster as emergency quarterback just for short yardage situations."

Brown:  "Please, please--throw long on second and short, you got extra yards for third down!"

McNabb made his comments in an interview on HBO Tuesday night with James Brown, who died last year at the age of 73.   Brown goes by a variety of nicknames, including Godfather of Soul, Soul Brother Number One, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business and Minister of the New Super Heavy Funk.

Tarvaris Jackson

The Civil War reparations program was never put into effect, and some black quarterbacks were skeptical that they would ever benefit from the NFL's proposed plan.  "Yeah, Donovan, he's got the soup commercials, sure they're gonna give him a Caddy," said Minnesota Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.  "Me--I'm in the whitest state in the country.  I'll probably get a freaking Volvo."

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey.  Jeff Feagles, veteran place kick holder for the New York Giants, stormed out of the team's dressing room today after accusing reporters of ignoring his contributions to the franchise's incredible 9-10 record over the past two seasons.

Feagles:  "How long must I labor in obscurity?"

"You guys have written a book about everybody on this team from Eli Manning to Christine Procops," the Giants' chief financial officer.  "What do I have to do to get a little ink around here--become a CPA?"

Crunch Time:  A Season Running the Numbers for the New York Giants, $24.95.

Feagles' frustration boiled over after reading a story in Sunday's New York Times that listed eight books published about the Giants this fall, a statistic that other teams around the league cited as evidence of east coast bias by national media outlets headquartered in New York.  "We won the Super Bowl last year and there were only three books published about us," complained Rod Zucker, Vice President of Marketing for the Indianapolis Colts.  "The New York media is like a drunk who loses his car keys and only looks under the street lamp because that's where the light's best." 

Steelers license plate holder 

Other teams joined the chorus of complaint.  "There were no books published about the Steelers after we won Super Bowl XL," notes Pittsburgh Communications Coordinator Dave Lockett.  "We got a license plate holder."

New York publishers denied the accusation, saying they commission books based on anticipated demand and are not prejudiced against other regions of the country.   "I asked several people I know, and they all said they'd be more likely to buy a book about the Giants than the Tampa Bay Orioles," sniffed Armand de Borchgrave, a third-generation editor at Farr, Wilkinson & Sanford, which will publish a cookbook of tailgating recipes by Giants' fans for the holiday book market.

Saul Steinberg's famous New Yorker cover:  Does the rest of America really matter?

New Yorkers are notorious for their condescending attitude towards the rest of America, as memorably portrayed by Saul Steinberg, the cover artist for The New Yorker magazine whose map depicting Manhattan looming as large as the rest of the country became an instant classic.  "After the Steelers won the Super Bowl in 2006 we commissioned David Halberstam to write a book about Giants' fans reactions to the game," de Borchgrave recalls as he wipes a tear from his eye.  "He had only written about 760 pages when he died this year."

Halberstam:  "For a Steelers fan, perhaps the most important consideration is what a New York writer will say about his beloved team if the Giants do not make the playoffs."

The NFL's licensing office said they would work with New York publishers to introduce them to markets beyond the Tri-State area in the unlikely event that the Giants' dynasty comes to an end in the near future.  "We need to educate them," said Phil Burns.  "People in Indiana will read something longer than a throw pillow if you give them the chance."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

The ex-wife of New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan held a garage sale at her $3.6 million Montclair, New Jersey, mansion over the weekend saying she can no longer afford to keep the 30-room home, which includes an 8-car garage.  Associated Press.

It was a sad day for Jean and Michael Strahan, but only Jean was around to live it; their hopes, their dreams, arrayed along the edges of their quarter-mile-long driveway for all the world to see the dejected state to which they had fallen.

In happier times.

The couple's marriage had ended in a bitter divorce, with the judge awarding Jean $15.3 million and monthly child support of $18,000.  It was no wonder she was forced to part with her Garden State Turnpike throw pillows and New York Giants lap blanket--a steal at $450.

"How much you want for this 2001 Defensive Player of the Year Award?"

Strahan has to date paid his wife more than half of what the judge awarded her, but he's holding out on the last $6.5 million.  "It's not about the money--it's the principle of the thing," he tells a reporter from the Bergen County Record.  "She put all my Earth, Wind & Fire cassettes out on a table in the hot sun, and now they sound like Jabba the Hut on Prozac."

"This here Lamborghini's got a ding in it--you take $80,000 for it?"

For her part, Jean says she is just pinching pennies as any newly-divorced woman should.  "How do you put a price tag on a dream?" she asks as a little girl tugs her skirt to ask how much she wants for a Big Wheels riding toy that retails for $99.99 at Toys 'R Us.

"That's $275 sweetie, because the child of the all-time sack leader for the New York Giants rode in it, okay?"

"I have fifty cents."

"I'll take it."

Yeats:  A Philadelphia Eagles fan during the Sonny Jurgensen era.

Jean turns back to a reporter who, recalling a line by Yeats that he read in a college English class, asks her whether she will be able to salvage anything from the "foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart" that her once-beloved home has turned into.

"Good Lord--it's a life-size Brett Favre doll!"

"Is it really foul?" she asks, curling up her nose.  "We're on town sewer, but sometimes it backs up in the spring."

An elderly woman in a housedress picks through items in a plastic laundry basket, searching for toys for her grandchildren.  "Good Lord!" she exclaims.  "It's a life-size Brett Favre doll!"  And indeed when she holds up the limp figure for inspection it is a dead-ringer for Green Bay's Mr. Durability, going down to allow Strahan to record sack number 22.5 of the 2001 season to top Mark Gastineau's record of 22.

The infamous Sort-of-Sack.

"How much you want for this?" the old woman asks Jean.

"That?  That should be in the Canton."

"I'll give you a dollar for it."

Jean waits a nanosecond before saying "Sold!"

The woman pays and walks off as her Jack Russell terrier nips at Favre's frayed right foot.

At the end of the day, Jean totes up her take--$49.25 cents--with a smile on her face.

"Big Wheels, fifty cents.  Favre doll--one dollar.  Taking seven and a half million from your ex-husband--priceless."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

NEWARK, New Jersey.  Locked in an ugly divorce battle with her husband, the wife of New York Giant star Michael Strahan today moved to clarify comments she made about his relationship with TV doctor Ian Smith.

"When Michael moved into Ian's one-bedroom apartment, I said that an alternative lifestyle 'sprouted' between the two," she said on the steps of the Essex County Family Courthouse here.  "I did not mean to imply that they are ####--not that there's anything wrong with that."

Pressed by reporters to describe what she meant by "alternative", the teary-eyed Mrs. Strahan choked back sobs before speaking.

"Basically, whenever they 'hang' together a 'guy town' springs up around them.  They crack peanut shells on the carpet, leave the toilet seat up, read ESPN The Magazine--it's awful."

Both Strahan and Smith issued statements stating that they are "very heterosexual."  Heterosexuality is gauged by two international standards, Metric and Celsius, and scientists at the Los Alamos Observatory in New Mexico confirmed that from a distance both men appeared to be straight.  "'####-dar' isn't perfect," astronomer Philip Van de Camp cautioned.  "The curvature of the earth may have affected our measurements."

Mrs. Strahan stood by her claim, saying the tipping point came when Smith stayed at their house late into the night to watch an NFL Fox Sunday game.  "I said to Michael, 'Will you please come to bed when that's over,' and he said yes.  I fell asleep and three hours later they were still up watching Australian rules football and playing 'Pictionary'."

Among the more serious allegations made by Mrs. Strahan in seeking to end her marriage to the New York Giants' Pro Bowl lineman is that he once forgot a birthday card she gave him, an allegation Strahan denies.  "I didn't forget it, although I wish I could," he said.  "It had a little rabbit on it and said 'I will always wuv you my big huggable bunny.'  It made me want to fwow up.  Once 'Best Damn Sports Show Period' gets hold of that my career is over."

Family Court Judge Lawrence Millburn said he would take the matter under advisement and review the evidence submitted by the two sides, which includes a detailed journal that Michael Strahan kept of the couple's sex life before they had children.  "I want to make sure I give this important document my full attention," he said before recessing for the summer.  "See you back here sometime after Labor Day."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

ORLANDO, Florida.  General managers from around the NFL sat through a two-hour video presentation here yesterday as the league's supervisor of officials explained pro football's new limits on excessive endzone celebrations after touchdowns.

"The two words you have to remember are 'tasteful and proportionate'," Mike Pereira said to a roomful of executives who were relieved to be done with an earlier session on "down by contact" calls. 

"By tasteful, I mean that which conforms to recognized standards of aesthetic expression," he explained as retiring commissioner Paul Tagliabue stood watching from the back of the meeting room.   "No butt-wiggling," he said when a representative of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers asked him to be more specific.

The issue of proportionality will be a judgment call, Pereira indicated.  "If Indianapolis is up by three touchdowns with two minutes left, I don't want to see anybody on the Colts doing a St. Vitus Dance if James Mungro scores on a one-yard plunge," he said.  "On the other hand, anytime the Arizona Cardinals score you expect them to go a little nuts."

Some present at the meeting said they would seek professional assistance in guiding players through the new rules, which forbid the use of props such as the Sharpie pen Terrell Owens used to autograph a ball after he caught a touchdown pass.  "We hired a mime coach--Jean-Claude something-or-other.  He's going to show the guys how to work without props," said Cleveland head coach Romeo Crennel. 

The New York Giants said they have put Tina Farnsworth of the American Ballet Theatre on retainer to teach players how to express themselves in a tasteful manner.  "Tiki Barber is progressing nicely," she said.  "I have taught him how to perform le plie, le rond de jambe and le releve.  Now if you will excuse me, I must eat mon chef boyardee."

The NFL has been criticized as the "No Fun League" for its crackdown on endzone celebrations, but Tagliabue said the new rules were nothing more than a way to keep advertisers happy.  "If we play our cards right, someday a pro football telecast will be as boring as Masterpiece Theatre," he said.  "In the case of the Houston Texans, we're already there."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman