ST. PETERSBURG, Fl. New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today lent support to his Boston baseball counterpart, Terry Francona, by giving him a videotape of a closed-door practice of the Tampa Bay Rays, the Red Sox ALCS opponent.
"It looks like a 1-1-4-3 defense."
"They are definitely trying out some weird defensive sets," Belichick said as he played the tape at super slo-mo speed. "I would call that a 1-1-4-3 alignment," Belichick noted as he surveyed the placement of Rays' players around the baseball diamond. "I think that creates a lot of opportunities for crossing routes under the coverage out there beyond where that dirt ends."
"I watch game film because they don't make movies like 'Knute Rockne, All American' any more."
Belichick has been known throughout his career as an intense student of film with little interest in anything outside football. As an undergraduate at Wesleyan University a woman broke up with him after he invited her to a movie and subjected her to a decade's worth of game films between member schools of NESCAC, a football conference composed of elite Northeastern schools whose acronym stands for "New England Small Caucasian Athletic Conference".
NESCAC practice
Francona thanked Belichick for his illicit assistance in spiriting the tape out of Tropicana Field, but questioned its utility as he prepared the Sox for the best-of-seven playoff series. "He emphasized the importance of special teams," Francona recalled, "and I told him this year's team was pretty special to me."
FOXBORO, Mass. Last Sunday, New England Patriots fan Larry McGrory was in police custody after a SWAT team coaxed him in off the ledge of a three-story office building when he threatened to commit suicide as last year's MVP, quarterback Tom Brady, went down with a season-ending knee injury. "He probably wouldn't have killed himself," says Sergeant Bill Hampy, "but he could have done serious damage to one of the cars in the parking lot."
"I'm gonna kill myself."
Today McGrory had to be stunned with a Taser gun after the Pats beat the favored New York Jets 19-10 on the road, as police found him trying to scale the fence at Gillette Stadium to be first in line to buy tickets for Super Bowl XLIII. "We're going all the way, baby!" McGrory shouted. "I've waited--what--eight months for this?"
"Yes--2 and 0!"
Students of the mass psychology of pro football rank the New England Patriots high on the bipolar fandom scale, a measure of the mood swings of a team's followers used by NFL security to prevent self-inflicted injuries by fans who stick foam #1 fingers into nostrils and other bodily orifices. "We keep track of every team other than the Detroit Lions and the Arizona Cardinals," said Col. Jeffrey Miller, the NFL's Director of Strategic Security. "It's unlikely anyone is going to go nuts after being in a coma for 50 years."
Mosi Tatupu and Babe Parilli
Following Brady's injury, undercover agents infiltrated several Patriot suicide cults, including the Sons of Mosi Tatupu and the Brotherhood of Babe Parilli, both of which were prepared to drink poisoned Kool-Aid, in the manner of the Guyana "Jonestown" cult in 1978, if the Patriots did not beat the spread against the Jets today.
"Go Pats!"
"Thankfully, there was no loss of life," said Foxboro's Hampy, "although a lot of money was lost by people who bet the 'over'."
FOXBORO, Mass. New England Patriots fans were in shock today after quarterback Tom Brady suffered a knee injury in yesterday's game against the Kansas City Chiefs, but another group showed the 2007 MVP no sympathy. "If I slip at the end of the catwalk," said supermodel Elle Macpherson, "there is no injury cart to bring me back."
Tom Brady
Indeed, the reaction among the world's supermodels to what is believed to be a torn anterior cruciate ligament was dismissive, if not downright hostile. "A lot of your top models see Brady as a threat ever since he turned into a coverboy," says Pro Football Today's Mark Samari. "They watch his stat line to see how many column inches he gets in the gossip columns."
Macpherson: "I would have put on fresh makeup and gone back into the game."
Brady has played in four Super Bowls, leading the Patriots to victory in three of them. Speaking in the broken English that is their official language, German supermodel Claudia Schiffer said that in order to join the supermodels' union "one must be on all the covers all over the world at the same time so that people can recognise the girls so Brady does not qualify, yes?"
"Do you have Matt Cassel's cell phone number?"
There was speculation that Giselle Bundchen, Brady's supermodel girlfriend, would dump him after she was heard muttering "Another Wally Pipp" as she left a luxury box at Gillette Stadium. Wally Pipp was a member of the New York Yankees who sat out a game due to a headache and was replaced by Lou Gehrig, the "Iron Horse" who went on to play in 2,130 consecutive games. Brady was replaced by Matt Cassel, a back-up whose preseason reps did little to inspire confidence.
Wally Pipp: "Not today, Giselle--I've got a headache."
"When I am not feeling well I still must oil up my body for exhausting photo shoots wearing nothing but a bikini in the hot sun," Bundchen snapped at a reporter. "Does anybody have Matt Cassel's cell phone number?"
FOXBORO, Mass. With the announcement yesterday that a meeting between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Matt Walsh has been arranged, insiders have begun to speculate on what hard evidence the former New England Patriots’ video assistant has to back up his claim that the team engaged in illegal taping as far back as 2002.
Matt Walsh
“What he’s got on tape is disturbing,” said a former employee of the team who preferred to remain anonymous. “Bill Belichick, in the shower, with soap on a rope.”
Brut Soap-on-a-Rope
Belichick became obsessed with soap-on-a-rope after the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III in 1969, when Belichick was 16. Joe Namath, the Jets’ quarterback who brashly predicted the stunning upset, had been featured using Brut Soap-on-a-Rope in television commercials, and the two became linked in the aspiring coach’s mind. Belichick asked his parents for Brut Soap-on-a-Rope as a birthday present three months later, and has used the product normally associated with adolescent boys ever since as a good luck charm.
Namath: “It’s impossible to fumble soap-on-a-rope in the shower, even when the other guys blitz you.”
Walsh, a minimum wage go-fer for the Patriots, fell out of favor with Belichick following a summer camp scrimmage in which Belichick shouted out “right guard” after a blown offensive assignment. Walsh interpreted the coach’s command to refer to men’s toiletries, and subsequently gave Belichick a Gillette Right Guard boxed gift set that included deodorant, shaving cream and after-shave. Walsh was dismissed from the team shortly thereafter, and grew resentful of the $10.95 he had spent for nought.
Negotiations between Walsh’s lawyer and the NFL had dragged on as the league initially refused to provide legal protection to Walsh for his evidence. “There was a genuine concern that you’d expose your client to prosecution for pornography if you turned over a videotape of Belichick in the shower,” said Robert Bostrom, a professor of criminal law at Boston College Law School. “He wears that hoodie thing for a reason.”
GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. This town in western Massachusetts is home to Belcher's Cave, once a hideout for criminals but now primarily a weekend destination for amateur spelunkers. "We have to fish a lot of college kids out who go down with a six-pack of beer and can't find their way back up," says caretaker Ewell Burns. "It's a pain in the butt on Sunday morning."
Secret entrance to Belcher's Cave
For the past two weeks, however, the cave has been crowded with another hungover group; New England Patriots' fans hunkered down fearing an end to the world after their team's 17-14 loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII. "It's the hardcore front-runners," says State Parks Ranger Art Sowell. "The ones who aren't old enough to remember '85 and '97," the years in which the Patriots lost their first two Super Bowls to the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers.
US soldier cautiously approaches cave entrance.
The practice of holing up in a cave following a crushing defeat originated with the Japanese following the end of World War II, according to Norman Doyle, a professor of history at Smith College. "After a blow-out win at Pearl Harbor, the Japanese were odds-on favorites to win the Pacific Divison," he notes. "When they lost the Battle of Midway a lot of fans left early to beat the traffic because they could see the end coming."
Mosi Tatupu
The Sons of Mosi Tatupu, a paramilitary cult named after a retired Patriots running back, entered the cave shortly after Plaxico Burress burned Patriots' corner back Ellis Hobbs in single coverage for the go-ahead score. Members vowed to commit seppuku--ritual suicide--if the Patriots did not come back to win the game, but were distracted from their deadly vow by the Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls competition, which was piped into the cave by concerned public health authorities.
"Grassy knoll", Dallas, Texas
New England fans have searched for a "grassy knoll" to support their conspiracy theory that officiating errors gave the Giants extra time to put together their miracle drive, but because the game was played in the Arizona desert they have so far come up empty.
"It's bumper-to-bumper in front of the cheese dog stand."
"We thought we saw one of those black helicopters the UN is gonna send when they take over America," said Len Sklarski of Chicopee, Mass. "Turns out it was the KYDJ Skywatch Traffic Reporter."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick yesterday broke his silence on the allegations of improper filming of opponents that marred the team's 2007-08 season, saying the last film of another football team he had seen was "Knute Rockne, All American."
Belichick: "That's an incredibly stupid question, but I'll try not to answer it anyway."
"In my entire coaching career, I've never seen another team's practice film, family vacation film, or wedding film," Belichick said to reporters who asked about allegations by former Patriots' video assistant Matt Walsh that he had videotaped several house pets belonging to St. Louis Rams' players prior to Super Bowl XXXVI, and sold the film to "America's Funniest Home Videos."
"I want you to go out there and win one for the Gipper so we'll have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs."
Belichick has been diagnosed with Type-0 personality disorder, a psychological condition he contracted while an assistant coach with the New York Jets. Type A personalities are high-achieving, impatient, and aggressive, Type B personalities are patient, relaxed, and easy-going, and Type-0 personalities have zero personality measured by either the Celsius or Fahrenheit scale.
MGH Center for the Study of Zero Personality Disorders
"A Type-0 personality is the sort of guy who will refuse to buy an expensive bouquet for his wife on Valentine's Day, then wonder why she gets upset when he tells her how much money they saved," says Dr. Philip Reif of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.
"All you Type-0 personalities out there, be careful driving home tonight."
Efforts to increase awareness of the disease have been largely unsuccessful, because no comedian has been willing to adopt the cause as his own. "Type-0 personalities are a hazard on the roads late at night coming home from comedy clubs," says Mike McMahon, who does stand-up in the Boston area. "They usually don't 'get' jokes until an hour after last call."
NEW YORK. He was the longest of long shots--longer than Joe Namath's Jets--and for that reason he is today the toast of the town. One hundred winners had preceded him, but never before had his team won it all.
How sweet it is!
"Yeah baby!" shouted Sam de Franza, a sanitation worker from Flushing, Queens, as the champ rolled past in a Cadillac convertible he won as the top dog in the country. "This is for all the #### we've had to put up with all these years!"
"Please--curb your dogs!"
The celebration came to a stop outside Gracie Mansion, the mayor's residence and a silent film star of the thirties, where crowds began to chant "Uno-Uno-Uno", expressing the city-wide sentiment that the underdog had indeed proven he was number one.
Gracie Mansion: "Please don't pee on the tulips!"
Uno, a black and tan beagle nearing his third birthday, had just been named "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club show, the first beagle in the 69 year history of the "World Series of Dogs" to win it all. "Sixty-nine years, baby!" Uno shouted to the crowd as he accepted a dog biscuit in the shape of a key to the city from Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "That's 483 dog years!"
"I can't believe I lost to that mutt!"
Uno had attracted big bets from New Yorkers who viewed the favorite, a standard poodle, as overrated and vulnerable to the beagle's short stride on the Westminster green carpet. "There's a lot of bookies licking their you-know-whats this morning!" Bloomberg said to roars of approval, milking the moment for all its political value.
"Let's try the hook 'n ladder play--on two. Break!"
Uno says he will take some time off after playing in the Dog Bowl, an all-star affair pitting east and west coast breeds against each other in Hawaii, a post-season tradition. Then it will be back to the film room to see how he can improve his game for next season. "You want to run with the big dogs," he says in his native southern accent, "you got to get off the porch."
GLENDALE, Arizona. New England Patriots' wide receiver Randy Moss today asked an Arizona state court to grant a temporary restraining order requiring the New York Giants' safeties and cornerbacks to stay at least 500 feet away from him until the conclusion of Super Bowl XLII, and the judge assigned to the case took the request under advisement.
Curtis Montague Schilling Federal Courthouse, Glendale AZ
"The parties shall submit briefs in support of or in opposition to the motion by close of business Thursday," said Superior Court Judge Thomas W. Twohig, "and I will issue my ruling on or before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, which is when 2-for-1 Chalupa Hour begins at Eddie's Mexican Grille."
"Just stay away, dig?"
Moss is himself the subject of a restraining order handed down by a court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which requires him to stay at least 500 feet from Rachelle Washington, a woman who both agree is a "longtime friend" of Moss. "That's just how folks relate down here," said Eddie Jefferson, an acquaintance of the two. "You get a TRO against me, and I get a preliminary injunction against you. It's kinda like WASPy women give each other hostess gifts at a party."
"A permanent injunction? You shouldn't have!"
Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick said Washington's restraining order would not affect the team's game plan for the Super Bowl, the fourth in six years for the franchise. "We'll play a zone against her, which cuts out a lot of curl patterns," he said, drawing a diagram on a white board behind him. "If she tries to blackmail our wide receivers, we'll run crossing patterns over the middle."
Free the Chalupa 2!
Moss broke the NFL single-season mark of 22 touchdown catches in 2007, hauling in his record-breaking twenty-third score against the Giants in the final game of the season. Moss complained about illegal contact by the Giants' cornerbacks and safeties during the game, saying they cramped his style. "I like a sleek, padless look for playoff games," he said. "They made me look slow until I burned them for the go-ahead score."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. Mary Pat Sheehan has lived in this community of 14,000 south of Boston her whole life, so she's used to the media circus that comes to town whenever the New England Patriots advance to the Super Bowl. "I can deal with the reporters taking up parking spaces downtown and cutting in line at the Dunkin' Donuts," she says. "I just wish they'd learn to clean up after themselves."
Downtown Foxborough, Massachusetts
Sheehan is referring to the practice by members of the national media to shorten the town's name to "Foxboro" in stories they file for print and electronic outlets, leaving the streets littered with cast-aside U's, G's and H's. "It's a matter of common courtesy, but the media big shots think they're too important to bother," she says.
Gillette Stadium
The cost of the clean-up is significant, straining the town's budget and forcing cutbacks in services such as the local anti-smoking officer, Earl "Bud" Dailey. "My job is to stand around downtown and yell at kids to stop smoking," Dailey says. "Due to budget cuts, I can only yell at half the kids, the others I just kinda scowl at."
"Hey--half of you kids stop smoking!"
National reporters say they are being discriminated against since local newspapers such as the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald also shorten the town's name, but Walter Endicott, assistant managing editor of the Globe, says the situation is more "nuanced" than that. "We encourage our readers to recycle the extra letters on our puzzle page," he says. "With a U, a G and an H, if you need a three letter word for 'wildebeest' you're two-thirds of the way there."
Wildebeest: "What's gnu?"
It's not just the extra letters, say concerned residents such as Marla Townsend, it's also the over-the-top figures of speech that are thrown around during the two-week interval between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. "I came out to get the paper one morning and there was a worn-out methaphor--'Brady is the Patriot's arm'--on my lawn. It was disgusting."
Townsend, Sheehan and others like them aren't just complaining, however, they're taking action. As the media buses roll out of the parking lot at Gillette Stadium today on their way to Logan Airport and flights to the Super Bowl in Glendale, Arizona, the women will be standing in silent protest along Route 1, holding signs to express their unhappiness. Their slogan: "U-G-H spells 'UGH'."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year's NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.
Belichick: "No single individual is more important than the team--except me, of course."
Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers. "A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends," Belichick said in answer to a reporter's question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment. Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back "Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936."
Bronco Nagurski
Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice "bubble" next to Gillette Stadium. "If Tom doesn't play in two quarters of every game, he doesn't get his football letter," Belichick said. "And he can't put 'Varsity Football, '08' next to his name in the yearbook."
Uh, looks okay now.
There is speculation among Brady's teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field. "Tom really needs a new letter jacket," said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour. "He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won't give it back."
"C'mon, give it back--it makes you look fat."
Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally "going steady" with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with "Tom" embroidered on the sleeve. "I have told Tom to go to practice," Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York. "He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country."
FOXBORO, Mass. As the Pittsburgh Steelers' walked off the field following their 34-13 loss to the undefeated New England Patriots here tonight, teammates pointed their fingers at second-year safety Anthony Smith who had "guaranteed" a victory last Wednesday.
Anthony Smith
"Damn, man--what'd you go and do that for?" said running back Willie Parker. "We gonna have to give refunds now?"
Brady: Four touchdown passes.
"Naw, you guys didn't read the fine print," Smith explained. "I never guaranteed a win--I said if we didn't win, and you saved your ticket and mailed it in along with your proof of purchase by December 15th, I'd give you a rebate equal to the amount by which the Pats beat the over," which was set at 47 points. Because the game score equalled but did not exceed 47, the "over" bet set by Las Vegas oddsmakers, Smith is disclaiming liability.
"That ain't your receipt man--this is from Applebee's!"
Professional sports guaranties of victory are frequently given but rarely enforced. The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises, noted Morton Sokolow, an attorney for Smith who has defended a number of similar claims. "Unless you're careful," he explains, "you could be in deep doo-doo."
Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady threw for four touchdown, two for more than 50 yards, both over Smith. "I was tied up at the time," Smith said. "Some guy tried to give me an Applebee's receipt for his proof of purchase."
Pittsburgh fans who travelled to the game will be given a free toaster oven and a Steelers' license plate frame. "It's really our way of saying thank you to our loyal fans," said Smith. "We don't actually owe them anything."
BOSTON. In the past six years this city has celebrated three Super Bowl victories and two World Series championships, so local fans could be forgiven if they set high standards for their local sports teams. "No, we love 'em all," says Mary McCarthy of Dorchester, "even when they come in second," she adds with a laugh, referring to the 2-1 loss by the New England Revolution, the local professional soccer franchise, in the MLS Cup to the Houston Dynamo.
Boston City Hall: Is it upside down or sideways?
The Revolution have now lost three straight MLS Cup games and four out of the last six, and have become the soccer equivalent of the Buffalo Bills, who lost four straight Super Bowls from 1991 through 1994. Still, the streets of Boston are filled with anticipation today as the Revolution get a chance to celebrate their near-miss in a fashion that has become a Boston tradition--a parade through the Back Bay that culminates with a celebration in City Hall Plaza.
Government Center "T" Stop.
Boston's City Hall is a masterpiece of architecture that has won awards for its striking design, and Bostonians think of it as first in its class world wide. "We have the ugliest municipal building in the world!" shouts Kevin Avery, a rabid soccer fan who has parked his car on the outskirts of town and ridden the MBTA or "T" into Boston to avoid the crush of fans and well-wishers that is expected to number in the mid-two figures.
Riot police outnumber fans.
A group of fans, proud of City Hall's reputation as the pre-eminent American example of the "Brutalist" school of modern architecture, breaks into a chant of "We're Number One! We're Number One!" as Avery passes by, and he gives them a "thumbs up" signal to show his approval.
As the Revolution begin to make their way into the Government Center district, they are met by honking and the shouts of adoring fans. "Get out of the way!" screams Lynette de Fazio, a secretary who is running late to work, as she leans on her horn. "Whatta ya think yer doin'?"
"You guys are great," shouts Revs captain Steve Ralston, and an excited fan screams "We love you!"
"Thanks mom!" Ralston yells back, his face breaking into a smile.
"Yer gonna have to move it," a Boston police officer says to Ralston, who is driving a rented "Zipcar" with three of his teammates. "Yer blockin' traffic."
Taylor Twellman
"We're the New England Revolution," says Taylor Twellman, the high-scoring forward who is affectionately known to the team's public relations department as "Mr. New England Soccer".
"And I'm Batman, pal," the cop growls back. He pulls his walkie-talkie from his belt and calls for backup. "There's some nut down here in Government Center who thinks he's Paul Revere," he says to Boston Police Headquarters just across City Hall Plaza. "You'd better send the Taser Squad."
Khano Smith
As the rally winds down midfielder Khano Smith is signing one last autograph for an adoring fan in a restaurant. "Excuse me," she says as he starts to walk off.
"Yes?" Smith replies, knowing how demanding Boston fans can be.
"You forgot to put your phone number on the check."
CINCINNATI, Ohio. New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick, known for his obsessive preparation for games, could be excused if he looked a little bit tired at Paul Brown Stadium here last night following his team's 34-13 dismantling of the Cincinnati Bengals.
"We've had a tough week watching a lot game film, but it paid off in a big way," was all that Belichick would say to a sideline reporter as he walked off the field.
At his post-game news conference a sportswriter asked Belichick, widely regarded as a defensive genius, whether he had found the Bengals' Achilles' heel in stifling their explosive offense. The usually reticent Patriots' coach dropped his guard and admitted that he had detected the flaw in Cincinnati's game.
"We watched hundreds of hours of film, often at slow motion, and discovered that their uniforms are ugly--I mean really ugly," he said, as reporters dutifully transcribed the words that would spark cries of foul from the Bengals' locker room.
"I've finally found a colorist I'm comfortable with."
"I don't know where he gets off saying something inflammatory like that," said Cincinnati's Chad Johnson, a wide receiver known for his pre-and-in game trash-talking who exacerbates the Bengals' loud orange and black color scheme with a tasteful, bleached-blond mohawk. "I try to be respectful of my opponent at all times and keep my thoughts to myself unless I have to point out that his shoe is untied or that his mother looks for love in horse barns."
"Them damn kids said I looked like an NFL coach . . . "
Belichick has himself been criticized for his taste in sideline apparel, as his signature grey "hoodsie" sweatshirt has been likened to a homeless man's winter wardrobe. "I find that really offensive," said Ellen Stritch, executive director of Cincinnati's Evening Outreach Shelter, which provides beds and meals to an average of 120 homeless men each night. "Every day I see men who have been neglected and forgotten by our society, and I rarely encounter one who looks as bad as Belichick."
The Bengals' uniforms have been described as what a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger wears on Halloween, but Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger who hails from Cape Cod, Massachusetts, took issue with that comparison.
"Kids, if anyone offers you one of the grey tabs, don't take it!"
"It's more like what Tony the Tiger would wear if somebody sprinkled LSD on his Frosted Flakes."
FOXBORO, Mass. As the NFL levied multiple fines on the New England Patriots and their head coach Bill Belichick for filming the New York Jets' defensive signals last Sunday, insiders say the league has ignored evidence of cheating by the three-time Super Bowl winner for years.
Wesleyan University
"You know how he cuts the sleeves off his sweatshirts?" asked retired Rams' scout Mark Mortensen. "He started that when he was in college at Wesleyan. He'd write exam answers on the inside of his sleeves, roll them up during the test then cut them off afterwards to destroy the evidence."
The "sleeveless" sweatshirt.
As proof, Mortensen produces a Wesleyan sweatshirt with the numbers 1066, 1215, 1776 and 1941. "The first three are easy," he notes. "Battle of Hastings, Magna Carta, Declaration of Independence. The fourth is the tipoff that this is legit." How so, a reporter asks. "1941 was the year Don Faurot invented the split-T formation at Missouri."
Don Faurot: Inventor of the split-T formation.
Others who have known Belichick have come forward to corroborate the allegations made by Jets' coach Eric Magnini. "I played squash against him at Wesleyan," says Carter Wirtz, an investment banker in New York. "We were tied at 13 all when he nicked the tin on a reverse three-wall boast. I've never forgotten how brazenly he denied it."
"Practice hike--hike!"
Several of Belichick's boyhood playmates from Annapolis, Maryland say the man who is credited with bringing the "homeless" look to NFL sidelines was cutting corners before he hit puberty. "We were playing two-hand-touch-below-the-waist, three-Mississippi before you rush the passer, and Billy was always sacking me," says Ernie Weiss, now a local hardware dealer. "I finally figured out that he was abbreviating it to 'Miss.'"
BECKET, Mass. This town in the bucolic Berkshire Mountains is home to Jacob's Pillow, a dance complex whose signature attraction is a summer ballet festival that has endured now for seventy-five years.
Jacob's Pillow
"It hasn't been easy," admits Director of Development Marci Stephens. "We run a deficit most years, and the trustees end up having to write us big checks."
Walk Like an Egyptian, a piece for three dancers in hieroglyphics.
The tension between producing the finest in the performing arts and getting by on a shoestring budget has caused the balletomanes to rethink their strategic vision. "In the long run, we simply can't survive without attracting more straight males," Stephens says. "We've got to get them to get up out of their Barcaloungers, turn off the Fishing Channel, and come out and spend some money."
New England Patriots game: A lot like ballet, only with concussions.
With that mandate, Stephens has turned to Andy Brandnewjetski, a New England Patriots fan from nearby Chicopee, Mass., for tips on how to bring in free-spending sports nuts to watch women in tutus and skinny guys in tights. "When you think about it, football is a lot like ballet, only with concussions," he says. "You got to get into the mind of a man who will spend three and a half hours on his couch drinking beer and eating cheese curls."
"Bal-let--bal-let--bal-let!"
His first suggestion? "Brewskis and Ballet," he says proudly, a Friday night promotion that offers $5 pitchers of Bud or Bud Light beer, a "Wet Leotard" contest and a silk-screened "I Stayed Awake Through Most of Swan Lake" t-shirt. "You need to have a giveaway," says Brandnewjetski. "It makes people think they got something besides the beer they #### away as soon as they drink it."
Mikhail Gogua: Working on his vertical leap.
But Brandnewjetski's influence goes beyond food service. "I want to transform the way guys look at ballet," he says. "You need to get them interested in the off-season, and not wait until August when you're staring at bankruptcy if you get rained out a couple of days." His plan? "We're gonna add a scouting combine and a draft day," he says. "You'd be amazed at the vertical leap on some of these dancers, and the girls can hold their own with the guys."
Ballet scouting combine: "I want to see a jete derriere, then run a buttonhook pattern."
The bottom line may ultimately depend on outside income, however, as few arts organizations break even on ticket sales alone. "I'm thinking of maybe a tie-in with the Ford F-150 pickup," a guy's product if there ever was one, Brandnewjetski says. "Maybe we'll do a $20.07 cash-back offer if you buy two ballet tickets and take retail delivery from dealer stock by the kickoff of the regular season."
