MEDFORD, Mass. Peggy and Dave Finnerty admit they're hockey nuts, having spent countless hours carting their two sons to games at the break of dawn. "It's what we love to do," says Peggy, who sports a Boston Bruins scrunchy around her pony tail as she watches a practice at Anthony LoConte Rink in this blue-collar suburb.
"I'm five, but I've been playing for six years."
Peggy is expecting, and the Finnertys are doing everything they can to make sure their newest child gets a head start in the highly competitive world of youth hockey. Every Tuesday and Thursday, Peggy straps on her pads and takes to the ice with other pregnant women in what is believed to be the world's first pre-natal hockey league.
"We figure if we can give our kid an extra nine months of ice time, it will pay off when tryouts for the travel team roll around in a couple of years," says Dave, who played goalie for Bridgewater-Raynham High School. "You want to be prepared for those drills where they skate around the orange traffic cones."
The parental urge to impart skills to offspring still in the womb began with the "Baby Mozart" movement a few years back. Researchers claimed that children exposed to classical music during their mothers' pregnancies had higher IQs than those whose parents listened to heavy metal and hard rock. Zell Miller, then-governor of Georgia, sponsored legislation to give classical music to every expectant mother in the state, but the program was cancelled when numerous couples tried to exchange the cassettes for Shania Twain tapes.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Shania Twain: He does spend more time on his hair.
Pediatricians are skeptical that pre-natal hockey does much to produce future Bobby Orrs. "Hockey requires a high degree of hand-eye coordination that you won't get just bouncing around in your mother's amniotic fluid," said Dr. Pamela Wysbard of the Brigham & Women's Hospital in Boston. Wysbard said the possibility of injury to the fetus greatly outweighed any benefit that pre-natal hockey could produce. "We discourage women from checking while pregnant, unless you're in a neutral-zone trap. There's too much risk of a penalty, and then the other team gets a power play."
"Deke him, Kyle!"
But Dave Finnerty isn't buying it. "Last year Kyle, our 12-year old, got to the state finals and we lost in overtime when a kid from Melrose blew by him on a breakaway. That never woulda happened if he'd been out there with his mom before he was born," Finnerty claims.
And how old was Kyle when he began playing hockey? "Four," Finnerty says ruefully. "He got a late start."
ST. PAUL, Minn. As the U.S. Figure Skating Championships entered their final day, America’s hopes for the 2010 Winter Olympics soared on strong pairs performances by Keauna McLaughlin and Rockne Brubaker and a flawless short program by Mirai Nagasu to take the Senior Ladies title.
Harding v. Kerrigan, 1994: The high, or low, water mark of skating sportsgirlship.
But underneath the piles of long-stemmed red roses and teddy bears that skating fans traditionally throw onto the ice after a high-scoring favorite finishes her routine, there were murmurs that the sport had taken a turn for the worse, as more competitors use “trash talking”, the verbal jousting common to pro basketball and football, in order to “psych out” their opponents.
“You skated beautifully–for someone who’s dressed like Tony the Tiger!”
“It really is sad,” said #### Button, whose forty-five year career as a figure skating commentator for ABC Sports threatens to outlast some Christmas fruitcakes. “Skating used to be a sport for ladies and gentlemen, now it’s one step above pro wrestling.”
#### Button and Christmas fruitcake: Which will last longer?
Trash-talking has increased as the stakes for amateur figure skaters have grown. Where once a skater who won an Olympic gold medal could expect a lifetime of low income and little prestige as a member of a traveling “Smurfs on Ice” show, today’s champions can reap hundreds of thousands of dollars in commercial endorsements for soups and depillatories, in addition to a career performing as the Little Mermaid for Disney on Ice.
From Smurfs to the Little Mermaid: A big upgrade.
Trash-talking figure skaters tend to focus on their opponents’ costume selection and physical attributes, with a particular vindictiveness reserved for lapses in personal grooming.
“Your ankles are fat!”
“Looks like someone forgot to shave her armpits!” Tiffany Vise said in a stage whisper directed at Keauna McLaughlin as the eventual pairs champion took the ice for her final program, causing her to miss her first salchow as she ran her hand discreetly down her bicep to check for telltale stubble.
“Is Victoria’s Secret having an after-Christmas clearance?”
“Did you get that outfit at a white trash tag sale?” McLaughlin shot back as she entered the “Kiss ‘n Cry” area where skaters wait to hear their scores. “Or did yo’ momma give it to you after she got off work at the Motel 6?”
Vise lunged at McLaughlin and the two had to be separated by officials, recalling the sport’s darkest moment, when supporters of Tonya Harding arranged for a tire-iron whack job on competitor Nancy Kerrigan. “I thought those days were behind us,” Button said, shaking his head. “If I wanted to see that kind of violence on ice, I’d watch hockey.”
It’s the dead of winter. You live in a four-sport town, but the World Series is over, your favorite NFL team is out of the playoffs, and your local NBA and NHL franchises have Saturday night off. The last bowl game of the season has been played.
Your wife or girlfriend turns to you and utters the six words that, strung together in the proper order, bring nausea to the stomach of any red-blooded American male.
“Is there any skating on tonight?”
Your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth, as if with peanut butter, because without a rooting interest to guide you, you can’t rattle off a televised sports event of greater significance than a non-title bout in the junior flyweight division of the WBA. Or is it the WBO? WBC?
You’re trapped. And, since it’s Saturday night, you decide to be nice to her–for ulterior reasons.
You hand her the remote, and head for the fridge.
Wait–come back. You can learn to stomach figure skating. Really. Just follow these easy “Learn-to-Love Skating!” guidelines:
She’s Not That Into Them. You dread the thought of watching guys salchowing around in sequins and stretch pants. Don’t assume she wants to watch men, or even pairs, however. For reasons that are unclear down deep, but readily apparent on the surface, women like to watch women. You don’t watch the WNBA, do you?
Kowa-bunga!
Look at That Outfit! In case you only pay attention to women’s figure skating when sombody takes a tire iron to an Olympic hopeful’s shinbone, the women’s outfits leave nothing to the imagination, as the foundation undergarment industry used to say.
“The yellow caution flag is out.”
Pretend It’s NASCAR. Just as some fans go to stock car races for the crashes, and some hockey fans only get excited when there’s a fight, it’s fun to watch skating for the falls. If the networks were smart, they’d zoom in on the point where the panties hit the ice and circle it with a John Madden-model video pen to show the circumference and depth of concave impression. “Looks like Maria must be wearing husky sizes now, Carol!” “I think she’s been gobbling down too many linzer tortes, ####.”
Katerina Witt: “Yes I was a Communist informant–so whatski?”
Pick a Villian. Pro wrestling promoters learned long ago that it takes a villain to raise the ratings. Katerina Witt was for years the Barry Bonds of women’s figure skating–unloved, even at the top of her game. If you’re the type that hates dynasties, rag on Michelle Kwan.
Pick a Favorite. The flip side of picking a villain is to select a sentimental favorite–the wide-eyed, white-skated equivalent of the Chicago Cubs. You can then gush over her every toe loop. Sorry, Irina Slutskya is taken–I saw her first!
“Michelle was robbed!”
Get Mad At the Judges. Everyone knows that skating is as crooked as boxing. When your favorite skater finishes her routine, take a deep breath as she picks up her teddy bears and long-stemmed red roses and heads to the “kiss and cry” area. Get ready to explode when the scores are announced. “Only 9.8 for artistic expression!” you scream. “She was robbed!” Storm out of the room, check score of Australian-rules football game on the den TV. Pull a nose hair or two until your eyes water, grab a Kleenex and return sniffling to the couch.
The woman waiting for you there will give you a big hug.
Christmas comes but once a year, goes the old saying, bringing panic, also fear.
That's not how you remember it? Maybe your local pro football team has already been mathematically eliminated and your alma mater finished its season with a press conference at which the head coach said he was leaving "to spend more time with his family." Yeah right.
If your still have a team in contention, however, you face an awful dilemma: Continue to watch or attend games, or go shopping for a Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa/Pagan Tree Cult Holiday gift for your better half. Or your better one-third, if you drink a lot of beer.
You could take the path of Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley in "Beverly Hills Cop"--"Here's fifty bucks, go buy yourself something nice, I haven't got time." Don't try it--you'll never pull it off.
As a service to its readers, Gerbil Sports Network offers convenient point and click shopping to help you navigate the busy BCS-NFL stretch drive-holiday shopping season. Here are some great gift ideas that will warm her heart and light a fire under the mistletoe!
Pink camo hat: What's up with that?
Team logo pink camo hat: Die-hard male fans scoff at women who wear these, but we think they're cute! They look like something Barbie and Midge would wear if they joined G.I. Joe's battalion. $23.95.
"Hey, Midge--'Taps' means it's time to hop in the sleeping bag."
Team Logo Scrunchy: What's a scrunchy? Glad you asked! They're those things women use to make a pony tail! One size fits all, not available in Western Conference NHL teams. $8.95
Screaming Slingshot Superhero Chimp: Okay, so it's not a romantic dinner at the Ritz. It's still a lot of fun, and at only $6.99, it's a great way to save money for the expensive Valentine's Day present you're going to have to buy if you give her this for Christmas and want to have sex at some point in 2008.
Ice Skating Tickets: Chicks dig ice skating--it must have something to do with the sequins and the tutus. You can learn to enjoy it too, if your veterinarian got confused and neutered you instead of the cat.
"Was that a double lutz or a triple salchow?"
Thankfully, most ice skating shows are held in NHL arenas, so who's to say there won't be a little mix-up the day you buy the tickets--and end up with front-row seats to see the Boston Bruins face the St. Louis Blues!
Which will be a lot like the Ice Capades, but with helmets and mouthgards.
Jar Jar Binks, the inept Gungan general who starred in the Star Wars “prequel” movies, withdrew from public life after he was accused of perpetuating racial stereotypes by political columnists who dreamed of moving to the arts and entertainment pages. Bill Moyers is America’s most beloved public affairs windbag, known for his boring three-part examinations of social issues that suppress PBS viewership, forcing local outlets to resort to ever-longer pledge drives. Join Binks and Moyers for a thought-provoking “Conversation on Race”.
MOYERS: Mr. Binks . . .
BINKS: Pleesa–calla meesa Jar Jar.
MOYERS: Sure. Jar Jar, did you feel you were treated unfairly when people called you a racist?
BINKS: Letta meesa tell you one thing–Jar Jar no racist.
MOYERS: I hear you, but what do you say to critics who claim you were a parody of servile black actors such as Stepin Fetchit?
BINKS: Me donta know Stepin Fetchit. You know who racist?
MOYERS: Who?
Bill Cosby
BINKS: People who think black people talk like Gungan, that who. Do I sound like Bill Cosby?
MOYERS: I don’t know–say “Jello Pudding Pop”.
BINKS: “Jellopuddypoppa”
MOYERS: You may have a point.
Jabba the Hut: “Just a Diet Coke, thanks.”
BINKS: When I grow up inna Naboo, we all getta long. Gungan, Qui-Gon Jinn, Jabba the Hut–we alla play together.
MOYERS: So yours was a prejudice-free childhood?
BINKS: Thassa right. Me thinka movie critic wannabes project their prejudice onna me!
MOYERS: Fair enough. Do you think current race relations are poisoned by the media’s need to report–some would say to highlight–racial conflict?
BINKS: Abba-so-loota-lee.
MOYERS: What about Isiah Thomas?
BINKS: What he say now?
MOYERS: In a videotaped deposition he said it was all right for a black man to call a black woman a word that won't make it through the foxsports.com filter, but not a white man.
BINKS: Meesa no lika Isiah. Much prefer Vinnie Johnson.
Vinnie Johnson
MOYERS: "The Microwave"?
BINKS: Thassa right. Issa shame he never get popcorn endorsement deal.
MOYERS: How about O.J.?
BINKS: Iffa you have popcorn, you needa something to drink--otherwise kernels stick to teeth.
MOYERS: No, I meant O.J. Simpson.
BINKS: Why alla this talk about O.J.? He not even #1 Buffalo Bill named after food or beverage.
MOYERS: And who would that be?
BINKS: Cookie Gilchrist.
MOYERS: You seem to bear some ill will towards O.J.
BINKS: Heesa daughter spit on my wife's sister when they little girls in Buffalo.
Jim Schoenfeld
MOYERS: Wow--anybody else in the neighborhood who was famous?
BINKS: Jim Schoenfeld.
MOYERS: Back when he played for the Sabres?
Don Koharski
BINKS: Thassa right. Schoenfeld my kinda hockey coach. None a this "I thought the officiating was a little uneven tonight." No--he go right after Don Koharski inna da 1988 Stanley Cup Playoffs and say "Have another donut you fat pig!"
MOYERS: That incident was parodied in "Wayne's World", right?
BINKS: You so smart!
MOYERS: Well, I am on Public TV. But we seem to have gotten off the topic of race . . .
BINKS: Other thing notta lotta people know is that donut shop inna Wayne's World is "Stan Mikita's", whicha takeoff on Tim Horton's.
Stan Mikita
MOYERS: Really--the Canadian donut chain?
BINKS: Yep--anna Tim Horton actually play on defense line with Schoenfeld with the Sabres.
MOYERS: Fascinating. Jar Jar, you were a General in the Gungan Grand Army, Representative of the Gungan race, Senator of Chommell Sector. Ever think of running for office in your adopted home of California?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
BINKS: I no plan to run against the Terminator–I lika him.
BOSTON. As the Boston Bruins unveiled their new logos and uniforms yesterday at the TD Banknorth Garden, the sentiments of long-suffering fans of the team were echoed across the country. "There was nothing wrong with the NHL--and I mean nothing--that a new set of uniforms couldn't fix," according to Sean Murphy, father of two sons who play in Squirt and Mini-Mite leagues here.
Old logos
The Bruins' old logo is a black-and-gold spoked letter "B". The Bruins' new logo is a black-and-gold spoked letter "B" with added black trim. Karen Lavangetta, a mother of three from Winchester, Mass., recognized the difference immediately. "One has an extra black line," she said. "That will make up for the Joe Thornton trade."
New logos.
The Bruins' other new logo is also an old logo, depicting a prowling bear beneath the word "Bruins" arranged in a semicircle over its back. The Bruins' owners, whose tight-fisted approach to payrolls is cited by fans as the cause of the team's failure to win a Stanley Cup since 1972, said they chose the old logos as the new logos to save money to spend on free-agents. "If we take the $85 we will save in artwork and printing costs and invest it wisely, we should be able to take a run at Sidney Crosby when his contract expires," said Jeremy Jacobs from Delaware North headquarters in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location outside of Buffalo, New York.
Delaware North Headquarters: "I say we jack up a medium Coke to $15."
The NHL ordered the off-season upgrade in order to stem declining attendance and viewership since the league's 2004-05 labor dispute. That player lockout caused professional hockey to lose its status as the fourth major sport to bowling, which is interrupted by fights less often.
The next Jaromir Jagr?
Major-league sports team use multiple logos and uniforms to increase revenues from expensive doo-dads that parents must buy their children in order to get them to take their seats, or leave arenas after games. "The cost of running an NHL is so great that owners need to get revenue from any source they can," says Owen Fisher, an expert on professional sports finances who teaches at Brandeis University. "People don't realize it, but a rookie defenseman for the Bruins can make as much as a hostess in a really nice restaurant."
Sure she's cute, but is she a penalty-killer?
In other championship-starved cities hockey fans greeted the news that the NHL had required franchises to upgrade their on-ice apparel with sighs of relief. Chicago Blackhawk fan Charlie Adams, a pipefitter, said he hoped the change will mean his team will win it all before he dies. "Maybe they'll have to wheel me into the bleachers on a stretcher, but if I can just catch a glimpse of the guys in their new unis with Lord Stanley's Cup lifted over their heads--I'll drag my butt up to the concession stand and order a Heileman's Special Export beer."
DELAWARE, Ohio. Scientists at Ohio Wesleyan University, home of "The Big Ear" radio telescope, reported today that they have detected signals from a distant galaxy indicating that the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup Playoffs are underway, with teams from the United States and Canada competing.
The Big Ear radio telescope
"We were channel-surfing over the weekend and stopped at the Fishing Channel while we went out for a six-pack of Old Milwaukee," said astrophysicist Emile Nugent. "When we got back from the liquor store the Bass Master 100 Challenge was over and there were a bunch of people skating around, without sequins."
"Is hockey even legal in Anaheim?"
The Stanley Cup is the championship trophy of the National Hockey League, a professional sports league that was determined to be irrelevant following a 310-day labor dispute in 2004-05. Since it resumed play, the league has struggled to attract fans and viewers, often falling behind curling, bass fishing tournaments and "strong woman" competitions in ratings.
"I could break Sidney Crosby in two and beat Chris Pronger with the bloody stumps!"
The astronomers reported that the two teams involved in this year's championship are the Ottawa Senators and the Anaheim Ducks, a claim that was met with skepticism by veteran sports reporters. "The Ducks came from a Disney movie, so that can't be true," said ESPN 2 anchorman Trey Wingo. "And I can't find Ottawa on a map of the U.S."
"Our team may be fictional, but that's better than the NHL's ratings, which are non-existent."
The signals bearing the Stanley Cup broadcast are believed to originate in the THX 1138 spiral galaxy, where broadcast time is cheaper than on American cable channels.
Transmission difficulty: Do not adjust your television set.
"We make most of our money on infomercials and religious programming," said station manager Glorp "Buddy" X21173. "It's nice to have something besides the Ab Blaster and Holy Rollers to watch on the monitors."
Canadian youth stamp collectors: It's not just for dweebs anymore.
OTTAWA, Ontario. It's been thirteen years since a Canadian hockey team won the Stanley Cup. In the last ten years, Canada has been the International Ice Hockey Federation champion only three times. Canadian youngsters who once would proudly display gaps in their teeth caused by blows to the mouth from flying pucks are abandoning hockey for fencing, macrame and stamp collecting.
Stephen Harper: "Why the puck shouldn't we?"
Faced with a national crisis of identity that threatened to bring down his government, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper today announced that he was taking the drastic but necessary measure of devaluing the nation's currency against those of other hockey-playing countries.
"This is what we call a cross-Czech!"
"We cannot stand idly by while a nation with a 'z' in it like the Czech Republic surpasses us in the hockey arms race," Harper said. "Devaluation is a strategy that worked for us in tennis, where the rules of Canadian Doubles permit us to have an extra player on our side of the net."
"Two against one isn't fair!"
The Canadian dollar is currently exchangeable into just 89 cents in American money, causing Canadian forwards to come up short when compared to other National Hockey League players. "I had an odd-man rush against Tim Thomas of the Bruins last week," said Montreal Canadian forward Aaron Downey, "but at current exchange rates that dropped to a one-on-one and he stoned me."
"I'm telling you, Canadian pennies aren't worth bending over for."
The Montreal Canadians are also known as "les Habs", a shortened version of the team's original name, "Les Habitants de Montreal", which is French for "people who live in Montreal". The team's monicker was voted the most boring sports nickname of all time in a 2005 on-line poll by FoxSports.com.
Canadian loon.
The Canadian dollar is also referred to as the "loonie", after the Canadian loon. A member of the Unification Church is referred to as a "Moonie" after the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, its founder.
Rev. Sun Myung Moon: A different kind of loonie.
When a reporter pointed out that to correct Canada's current hockey imbalance the country should technically revalue the loonie higher, rather than devaluing its currency, Harper was undeterred. "Higher, lower, whatever," he replied with an impatient tone. "If we screw up, we'll get it right the second time."
Ah, the memories! Every Boston sports fan has them. For those who are new to Boston, or just visiting, here are some "must see" landmarks in one of America's great sports towns.
South Main Street, Worcester, Mass.: While not technically in Boston, in fact nearly forty miles away, it was here that Carlton Fisk hit his historic home run in the bottom of the twelfth inning of game six of the 1975 World Series on the television in my apartment. A recent transplant to the East Coast from St. Louis Cardinal country, I was moved that night to develop a rooting interest in the Red Sox as my American League favorite, a decision with consequences that reverberate to this day for my wife.
Fisk's home run.
One Boston Place, Boston. It was here that the world, or at least the part of the world that I occupied, first learned of the tragic death of Len Bias from a cocaine overdose. A Boston Celtics season ticket holder at the firm where I worked came walking down the hall mumbling "Len Bias is dead" in a somber tone that suggested the President had been shot. The first-round pick that the Celtics used to select Bias--projected to be "the next Michael Jordan"--was acquired in exchange for Gerald Henderson, a starting guard on the Celtics' 1986 championship squad whose steal of a James Worthy pass in game two of the 1984 NBA Finals led to a Celtics victory in overtime.
The tragic death of Len Bias taught us all a lesson that one hopes will never be forgotten; never trade a starting shooting guard for a draft choice.
Len Bias is the tall guy.
Massachusetts Turnpike, Framingham exit. Okay, so it's not even in the same county. Still, it is here that David Henderson hit the home run on the radio of a Toyota Corolla against California Angels' relief pitcher Donnie Moore in Game 5 of the 1986 American League Championship Series as my fiancee and I were returning from a getaway weekend at a Vermont bed-and-breakfast that did not have a TV. With only one strike needed to clinch the Angels' first-ever pennant, Henderson homered to tie the game, and in the 11th drove in what proved to be the winning run with a sacrifice fly off Moore. The teams returned to Boston where the Sox won two straight games to advance to the 1986 World Series.
Moore, who had long battled depression, was subsequently traded to the Kansas City Royals, which didn't help. He ultimately committed suicide as California fans and the media never forgave or forgot that he "blew" game five. In Donnie's memory, I recall for my wife this significant moment in baseball history whenever we pass this exit.
"Kansas City sucks, but at least Tampa Bay doesn't have a team yet."
Nino's Pizza, Cambridge Street, Boston. It is here that I once had a slice of pizza with my friend Vince and noticed an autographed picture of Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito eating in the same booth we were sitting in. This is my only link to the 1972 Boston Bruins, the team that won the franchise's last Stanley Cup. Esposito was known for his gritty play in front of the net, which often produced second-chance goals. He is the punch line to the most famous graffito in Boston sports history. "Jesus Saves" wrote an anonymous author with a religious turn of mind above a urinal; "Espo scores on the rebound!" a wag writes just underneath.
"Let's go to Nino's!"
Jordan's Furniture, Natick, Mass. Not Boston, but closer than Framingham. In the 1986 Eastern Conference Finals, the Celtics face a tough Milwaukee Bucks team led by Sidney Moncrieff. Celtics center Robert Parrish sprains his ankle as we're shopping for a couch--and comes back out after half-time to play hurt! There's a TV with the game on at the sales counter--I can't tear myself away as I watch Parrish gut it out in a demonstration that inspires his teammates to sweep the series. My wife asks me whether I prefer a bluish-green sofa, or one that's covered with red chintz. I say "Go with the blue-green one." She has buyer's remorse as soon as the thing is delivered and blames me. Parish retires in 1997, outlasting the couch by several years.
"Don't sit on the couch if you're sweaty!"
Beacon Street, Boston. On November 23, 1984, my girlfriend and I are scheduled to have dinner at a fashionable restaurant with her smug sister--an investment banker--and her husband. It is the fourth quarter of the Boston College-Miami game, with Miami leading 45-41. "John and Della are waiting out in the car," my girlfriend says. "There's only time for one more play," I say--"tell Della to blow it out her panty hose." My girlfriend starts to get all teary-eyed. "You and your stupid sports!" she says. "All right," I say and turn off the TV. Gerard Phelan catches Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" pass and BC wins, 47-41. Thankfully, I have since been able to see the replay a few times.
"Cancel that reservation!"
Suggestion: Next time, call the restaurant and tell them you'll be a few minutes late, the ball is about to be snapped for the college freaking football play of the century.
"Look at the cute little kitty!"
Looney Tunes Records, Newbury Street, Boston. In 1987 I sell the only Michael Jackson album I ever owned--"Thriller"--at this used record store. Chuck Sullivan, son of New England Patriots' owner Billy Sullivan, organizes the Jackson Family "Victory Tour", which includes Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Randy, Marlon and Jackie Jackson--in fact, every Jackson since Andrew.
Andrew Jackson: He couldn't make it.
The tour is a financial disaster, leading to the sale of the Patriots to Victor Kiam, then to James Orthwein, who threatens to move the team to St. Louis. Instead, Robert Kraft purchases the team, and three Super Bowl victories are the improbable result of this "Butterfly Effect"--the notion popularized by mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.
"Attention ladies and gentlemen--game five is cancelled."
Hanscom Field, Bedford, Massachusetts. It is here that, on October 28, 2004, I was scheduled to board a flight for St. Louis to see Game 5 of the 2004 World Series, which ended on October 27, 2004. Also not in Boston.
Bucky Bleepin' Dent.
Greenwich Village, New York. While technically outside the 617 area code, it is here that Bucky Dent hit his historic home run off Mike Torrez on a television in an apartment, propelling the New York Yankees to victory in a one-game playoff to decide the 1978 American League Eastern Division champions. I sat on a couch between two college classmates, both Yankee fans. I suppose it could have been worse, but only if I had been there in person.
DETROIT, Michigan. In the wake of charges that their assistant coach Joe Cullen has engaged in bizarre behavior that includes driving in the nude, members of the Detroit Lion family have rallied around their embattled colleague.
“Joe has had problems with alcohol before,” said Lions president Matt Millen, “but there are plenty of rehab options available for that. There’s really no twelve-step program for driving around naked.”
Nude driving has been certified by the American Psychiatric Association as a mental disorder, and is referred to by clinical professionals as “transient frontal lobe subluxation”, which Lions trainer Jake Gaskins translates as “brain cramp”. Most Americans refer to the disorder as “Godiva Syndrome”, after the Anglo-Saxon noblewoman who rode a horse naked through the streets of Coventry, England at her husband’s request in exchange for his agreement to reduce taxes on his tenants.
In the absence of a recognized therapeutic technique to cure the disorder, Lions’ strength and conditioning staff have planned their own amateur treatment which they say will begin with a visit to a show by the Chippendales, a male strip-tease troupe, at a nightclub in an undisclosed Detroit suburb tonight. “We want Joe to understand there’s nothing pretty about the typical male body, and if there is, then there’s something seriously wrong with the guy,” said strength and conditioning coach Ben Anthony.
“Tomorrow we’ll take him to a body-building competition where the men get so slicked up it’ll make you sick,” Anthony said with a tone of disgust.
“Finally, on Sunday, we’ll deliver the knockout punch. A visit to the steam room at the Boll Family YMCA. If that doesn’t cure him,” trainer Gaskins said, “there’s no hope.”
CROTON-ON-HUDSON, New York. Caitlin Morgan has dreamed about attending Wellesley College, her mother's alma mater, almost as long as she can remember.
"Mom took me there when I was a little girl, and I just fell in love with the place," says the high school junior as she enters the storefront office of an SAT test-preparation company in this tony Westchester County suburb.
But Caitlin's dream may fall victim to the iron laws of demographics. The high school class of 2008 will produce more college applications than any in U.S. history, and 57% of those will be written by young women. The odds of getting into the more prestigious women's colleges have accordingly never been longer.
So what is Caitlin doing about it? In addition to cramming her summer schedule full of community service projects such as teaching synchronized swimming to homeless men, she is trying a new sport, one she hopes will give her an edge when the Wellesley admissions committee reviews her file--roller derby.
"So many girls from the better prep schools have field hockey and lacrosse on their resumes," says Caitlin's mother Linda, an investment banker with a charm bracelet that could hold a small Texas chain gang. "We wanted something that would make our daughter stand out."
Long derided as the distaff equivalent of professional wrestling, roller derby is increasingly being adopted by young women who need a "plus factor" to get into their school of choice. Yan-Lan Lian is the overachieving daughter of immigrant parents who has already performed a solo concert at Carnegie Hall, received several patents and won the national Spelling Bee, but feels there is a gap in her resume that only roller derby can fill.
"It is a fun game, if you don't mind the stitches," she says of the scars she bears on her forehead and cheeks. "I feel a pretty face is less important to the Dean of Admissions at Stanford than a diverse background with a variety of interests."
Caitlin and Yan-Lan compete weekly in the tough College Prep Roller Derby League here where the minimum SAT score is 750 verbal, 700 math. "When the jam is on, I want to know that my teammates could perform a quadratic equation on me if go flying over the rail," says Morgan, who plays for the Westchester County Witches.
As a "jammer", Morgan scores a point for the Witches each time she passes a member of the opposing team. Lian is a "blocker" for the Croton Cramp, and tries to prevent jammers from passing by throwing elbows and checking her opponents onto the track or into the rail.
Admissions officers at top schools say that the competition for a limited number of slots at their schools can be vicious, and that parents are justified in seeking that extra "edge". "Frankly, I don't think an Emily Dickinson would get into Mt. Holyoke these days unless she had something besides 'How dreary to be Somebody, How public like a Frog!' on her transcript," says Elinor Walton, Dean of Admissions at the top-ranked women's college in western Massachusetts. "I think we'd wait-list her and tell her to spend a year arm-wrestling or candlepin bowling to round herself out a little."
When asked if she would be willing to name her favorite non-roller derby sports teams in order to provide "tags" for FoxSports.com, Walton happily obliged. "I like the Red Sox, the Patriots and the Celtics," she said with a mischievous smile, "but the team that really twists my panty hose is the Bruins. As a defeatist intellectual with low self-esteem, how could I not be in love with a team that trades away Joe Thornton the year he wins the Hart Trophy winner for Manny, Moe and Jack of the Pep Boys, or whoever San Jose gave us?"
For Caitlin Morgan, roller derby adds up to good clean fun and a standout resume, says her mother, even if it means putting thousands of dollars of orthodonture at risk. "We can always buy Caitlin new teeth," she says, "but getting into the right college is something you only get one shot at."
RALEIGH, North Carolina. As the Carolina Hurricanes prepare to take the Stanley Cup on its first tour of tobacco country, National Hockey League officials say they will increase security against a risk the silver bowl has never faced before: smokeless tobacco, which is considered one of the four basic food groups by many NASCAR fans.
"Lord Stanley didn't donate his challenge cup to be used as a spitoon," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, "and our fear is that every Joe Don and Gene Ray in NASCAR country will #### it up with their spit."
Mike Helton, President of NASCAR, said he found Bettman's concern overblown. "Thath ith the motht dithguthting and inthulting sthereotype," he said as brown juice dripped from the corner of his mouth. "Bettman's jutht jealouth of our TV ratingth."
"Smokeless tobacco" is the sanitized term used by manufacturers of snuff and chewing tobacco, the two forms of the product that is referred to by its users as "chew", "chaw", "dip" and "plug". Snuff is fine-grain tobacco that a user "pinches" between his or her lower lip and gum, while chewing tobacco takes the form of shredded tobacco leaves that users put between their cheeks and their gums.
The Stanley Cup is a silver bowl that measures 7.5" inches in height and 11.5" across, and was donated by Lord Stanley, Earl of Preston and Governor General of Canada, as a challenge cup in 1892 to be awarded annually to Canada's champion hockey team. In donating the silver bowl, Lord Stanley said that he wanted it to remind hockey players of "the importance of having the game played fairly and under rules generally recognized, and not to be used as a cooler for Coors Light Beer, which will not be invented for another century."
Some NASCAR fans took offense at Bettman's statement. Jim Ray Embree, owner of an LP gas store in Aiken, South Carolina, said "Hockey dads in the Northeast kill each other over practice times, and they're looking down they're nose at us?"
Others said the NHL's was overreacting. "Nobody's gonna spit in it," said Darrell Dunham of Charlotte, North Carolina. "More likely the wimmen folk will use it for potato salad."
Armenian, British teams brawl at Chess Olympiad Party--Times of London
LONDON. Francois Saint-Amant is known as "L'Enforcer" by his teammates on the Paris Blanc Chausettes, and he has the stats to prove it. He leads the International Chess League in penalty-minutes, high-rooking and other manifestations of a temper that causes opposing players to knock over their kings rather than face his furious "two-minute" endgame drill when he finds himself cornered without a queen.
"He deliberately put one of his bishops down on my right index finger, the one I need to play," said Max Euwe, who bats clean-up for the Serbia-Montenegro Wild Pigs. "I don't mind rough play, but that's going after my livelihood."
Other players around the league agree that Saint-Amant stretches the rules of chess to the breaking point. "I opened up with a Scheveningen Variation against him in a home game last month," said Mikhail Botvinnik of the Moscow Red Bears. "He gets this pissy look on his face and says 'Scheveningen-schmenigen'. It disrupted my concentration."
Because of the hardball tactics of players like Saint-Amant, the ICL says it will increase fines and penalties against chess "goons" in the upcoming season, which kicks off this season with its first national television contract on PBS. "A lot of players get a look at the tote bags and umbrellas they give away during public television pledge drives, and figure the stakes are a lot higher now," said ICL commissioner Gary Duprovnik. "Throw in a 'Three Tenors DVD' and some guys who are willing to hurt somebody if that's what it takes to win."
Duprovnik says players will be charged a pawn for the first instance of unnecessary roughness in a match, loss of a turn on the second infraction, and automatic ejection thereafter. Taunting will be punished by a five-yard penalty, meaning some matches will take on the air of "go fish" game rather than the customary contemplative atmosphere of the game that was founded in India around 600 A.D. when members of the Brahmin class learned that the cable guy wouldn't show up for another fourteen centuries.
For his part, Saint-Amant says he's just playing hard and that opponents who complain about him are "les wimps". "Eeef I reely wanted to hurt somebody," he says, "I'd grab him by le baguette."
NEW YORK -- The Modern Language Association, the nation's leading professional organization for professors of literature, today announced that it will adopt the National Hockey League's "plus/minus" rating system to judge writers' output.
"Many of your so-called literary greats are hot dogs and not team players," said Ian Wolfe, current president of the association. "We like to think of literature as collaborative, with the best works the product of interaction in bohemian bars and coffee shops where thoughtful people go to avoid grading papers."
The NHL developed its "plus/minus" statistic as a measure of a player's overall effectiveness, rather than focusing on easily quantifiable offensive production. A player is awarded a "plus" each time he's on the ice when his team scores an even strength or short-handed goal, and a "minus" for every even-strength or short-handed goal scored against his team.
This complicated statistic can be applied to writers in a manner similar to that used to convert temperatures from Fahrenheit to Celsius, according to Wolfe. "Take somebody like Hemingway--please," Wolfe said. "He was always putting Scott Fitzgerald down, getting into fights with minor figures like John Dos Passos. He was a big deal in his time, but now liquor companies hold Hemingway parody contests, fer Chrissake."
And an example of a literary team player? "He's someone who makes everyone else better when he's drinking or shooting heroin with them, inspiring them to new heights." Asked to give an example, Wolfe pointed to Jack Kerouac's impact on the Beats. "Not a great writer, but good looking so he attracts the babes to your group if you're straight, and an object of desire if you're <
