ST. PETERSBURG, Fl. New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today lent support to his Boston baseball counterpart, Terry Francona, by giving him a videotape of a closed-door practice of the Tampa Bay Rays, the Red Sox ALCS opponent.
"It looks like a 1-1-4-3 defense."
"They are definitely trying out some weird defensive sets," Belichick said as he played the tape at super slo-mo speed. "I would call that a 1-1-4-3 alignment," Belichick noted as he surveyed the placement of Rays' players around the baseball diamond. "I think that creates a lot of opportunities for crossing routes under the coverage out there beyond where that dirt ends."
"I watch game film because they don't make movies like 'Knute Rockne, All American' any more."
Belichick has been known throughout his career as an intense student of film with little interest in anything outside football. As an undergraduate at Wesleyan University a woman broke up with him after he invited her to a movie and subjected her to a decade's worth of game films between member schools of NESCAC, a football conference composed of elite Northeastern schools whose acronym stands for "New England Small Caucasian Athletic Conference".
NESCAC practice
Francona thanked Belichick for his illicit assistance in spiriting the tape out of Tropicana Field, but questioned its utility as he prepared the Sox for the best-of-seven playoff series. "He emphasized the importance of special teams," Francona recalled, "and I told him this year's team was pretty special to me."
GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. This town in western Massachusetts is home to Belcher's Cave, once a hideout for criminals but now primarily a weekend destination for amateur spelunkers. "We have to fish a lot of college kids out who go down with a six-pack of beer and can't find their way back up," says caretaker Ewell Burns. "It's a pain in the butt on Sunday morning."
Secret entrance to Belcher's Cave
For the past two weeks, however, the cave has been crowded with another hungover group; New England Patriots' fans hunkered down fearing an end to the world after their team's 17-14 loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII. "It's the hardcore front-runners," says State Parks Ranger Art Sowell. "The ones who aren't old enough to remember '85 and '97," the years in which the Patriots lost their first two Super Bowls to the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers.
US soldier cautiously approaches cave entrance.
The practice of holing up in a cave following a crushing defeat originated with the Japanese following the end of World War II, according to Norman Doyle, a professor of history at Smith College. "After a blow-out win at Pearl Harbor, the Japanese were odds-on favorites to win the Pacific Divison," he notes. "When they lost the Battle of Midway a lot of fans left early to beat the traffic because they could see the end coming."
Mosi Tatupu
The Sons of Mosi Tatupu, a paramilitary cult named after a retired Patriots running back, entered the cave shortly after Plaxico Burress burned Patriots' corner back Ellis Hobbs in single coverage for the go-ahead score. Members vowed to commit seppuku--ritual suicide--if the Patriots did not come back to win the game, but were distracted from their deadly vow by the Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls competition, which was piped into the cave by concerned public health authorities.
"Grassy knoll", Dallas, Texas
New England fans have searched for a "grassy knoll" to support their conspiracy theory that officiating errors gave the Giants extra time to put together their miracle drive, but because the game was played in the Arizona desert they have so far come up empty.
"It's bumper-to-bumper in front of the cheese dog stand."
"We thought we saw one of those black helicopters the UN is gonna send when they take over America," said Len Sklarski of Chicopee, Mass. "Turns out it was the KYDJ Skywatch Traffic Reporter."
NEW YORK. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell emerged from a tense, four-hour meeting with children's television activists last night to announce that the league would place limits on the number and duration of Peyton Manning commercials in future broadcasts.
Goodell: "They made some good points, now I wish they'd just dry up and blow away."
"We are gratified that the Commissioner understands the risk to our nation's youth of a constant barrage of mindless advertisements" featuring the Super Bowl XLI MVP, said Alicia Hartsell of Mothers Against Peyton Manning Commercials. "The average American child will watch 972 hours of Peyton Manning ads by the time he or she is four, for an average of 1,215 minutes per month and a Quarterback Viewer Rating of 101.3."
Not another!
Manning is currently featured in national advertisements for Mastercard, Sprint, Sony, Gatorade, Rocco's Texaco and Smitty's Bait and Tackle of Muncie, Indiana. The push to limit commercials aimed at children was started by Sesame Workshop, a non-profit producer of several educational children's programs including Sesame Street.
Cookie Monster: "Me have strong side curl-to-flat responsibilities in 5-2 Monster Defense!"
Sesame Workshop produces educational content for a variety of media, including on-line math quiz questions such as the following:
"I'm full--I had some celery last year."
Tom, Gisele and Bridget need to cross a lake in a canoe to go to a picnic. The canoe will only hold Tom, the picnic basket and one supermodel at a time. Q: What should Tom leave behind? A: The picnic basket--the supermodels can survive on a celery stalk between them.
EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey. Jeff Feagles, veteran place kick holder for the New York Giants, stormed out of the team's dressing room today after accusing reporters of ignoring his contributions to the franchise's incredible 9-10 record over the past two seasons.
Feagles: "How long must I labor in obscurity?"
"You guys have written a book about everybody on this team from Eli Manning to Christine Procops," the Giants' chief financial officer. "What do I have to do to get a little ink around here--become a CPA?"
Crunch Time: A Season Running the Numbers for the New York Giants, $24.95.
Feagles' frustration boiled over after reading a story in Sunday's New York Times that listed eight books published about the Giants this fall, a statistic that other teams around the league cited as evidence of east coast bias by national media outlets headquartered in New York. "We won the Super Bowl last year and there were only three books published about us," complained Rod Zucker, Vice President of Marketing for the Indianapolis Colts. "The New York media is like a drunk who loses his car keys and only looks under the street lamp because that's where the light's best."
Steelers license plate holder
Other teams joined the chorus of complaint. "There were no books published about the Steelers after we won Super Bowl XL," notes Pittsburgh Communications Coordinator Dave Lockett. "We got a license plate holder."
New York publishers denied the accusation, saying they commission books based on anticipated demand and are not prejudiced against other regions of the country. "I asked several people I know, and they all said they'd be more likely to buy a book about the Giants than the Tampa Bay Orioles," sniffed Armand de Borchgrave, a third-generation editor at Farr, Wilkinson & Sanford, which will publish a cookbook of tailgating recipes by Giants' fans for the holiday book market.
Saul Steinberg's famous New Yorker cover: Does the rest of America really matter?
New Yorkers are notorious for their condescending attitude towards the rest of America, as memorably portrayed by Saul Steinberg, the cover artist for The New Yorker magazine whose map depicting Manhattan looming as large as the rest of the country became an instant classic. "After the Steelers won the Super Bowl in 2006 we commissioned David Halberstam to write a book about Giants' fans reactions to the game," de Borchgrave recalls as he wipes a tear from his eye. "He had only written about 760 pages when he died this year."
Halberstam: "For a Steelers fan, perhaps the most important consideration is what a New York writer will say about his beloved team if the Giants do not make the playoffs."
The NFL's licensing office said they would work with New York publishers to introduce them to markets beyond the Tri-State area in the unlikely event that the Giants' dynasty comes to an end in the near future. "We need to educate them," said Phil Burns. "People in Indiana will read something longer than a throw pillow if you give them the chance."
WASHINGTON, D.C. The State Department today warned American summer vacationers to avoid Europe after rioting broke out in several cities following the announcement that NFL Europe, a developmental football league, would be shut down.
"Please save the Hamburg Sea Devils--they are all I have to live for!"
The league, composed of one Dutch and six German teams, had been losing $30 million a season, and commissioner Roger Goodell said it was time for the NFL to cut its losses.
Merkel: "I'm going to the mall--do you need anything?"
That explanation wasn't good enough for German Chancellor Angela Merkel. "The NFL says they lost $30 million but I don't believe it," she said as she climbed into her limousine to drive to das Einkaufszentrum das Frauenzimmer die Burokratie, or "shopping mall for female bureaucrats", to buy some mascara. "Did they check their other pair of pants? Did they look behind the sofa cushions?"
"I just spent 750 Euros on a Cologne Centurions throwback jersey, and now it is worthless!"
At the United Nations, German and Dutch representatives demanded reparations for fans who had purchased team gear in the mistaken belief that their favorite franchises would continue in existence, and a resolution condemning the U.S. for its role, if any, in the league's demise was said to be gaining support in the General Assembly. "For your convenience, we have a pre-printed form for this sort of thing," UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon told Frank Majoor, Dutch ambassador to the world body. "That makes blaming America for stuff quick and easy."
Ban Ki-Moon: Please use Form 1D-7, "Blame America First Resolution". Thank you.
Players will be re-assigned to the NFL teams who hold their contracts after a three-month debriefing and re-education period, a requirement that some league stars found onerous. "Damn, man," said running back Roger Robinson of the Frankfurt Galaxy. "I just learned how to spike the ball in German, and now I got to start all over."
Running back Roger Robinson: Luftfahrt! (Touchdown!)
There was some hope an international showdown could be averted, and administration sources said President Bush would send a note by diplomatic pouch to Chancellor Merkel to explain that in American English the word "football" refers to a game in which players may touch the ball with their hands, and not to the game known as "soccer" in the U.S., which is more popular in Europe.
"I don't want your damn Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders poster!"
"If that is the case, and they are truly sorry," Merkel said, "I will tell the Americans 'My bad'."
MIAMI, Florida. As hordes of hired fans whooped out the last reprise of "Purple Rain", tears ran down the cheeks of Charles Bascomb, an Atlanta transvestite who had maxed out his credit cards to buy a ticket to Super Bowl XLI.
"This is such a defining moment for people like me," Bascomb said as he stifled a sob in the pounding Florida rain that wreaked havoc with his Betty Crocker-style hairdo. "And I'm not even a football fan."
"Let's go crazy--and dress up like Poppin' Fresh!"
Sportswriters with ambitions of moving into hard news had spent the better part of the week writing about the historic meeting of two teams led by African-American head coaches for the first time in a Super Bowl, but they were caught off guard by the half-time show, which featured R&B performer Prince sporting an Aunt Jemima-style doo-rag.
Inspiration for the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.
"This is history, man," said James Mahoney, a native of Indianapolis who was dressed in a blue-and-white sailor suit as Sailor Jack, the boy who has appeared on boxes of Cracker Jack, the popular popcorn, peanut and molasses confection, for over a century. "Now those of us who like to dress up as logos of consumer food products can come out of the closet, or the lazy susan where you keep the snacks and chips, or wherever."
Cracker Jack: Surprised Chicago by throwing under deep zone coverages.
Prince, who has changed his name twice in his career and projects an ambiguous sexuality, hinted that he might consider a transformation into another food products icon when his new album is released this fall.
"Plain or peanut--it don't make no difference," he shouted to fans as he or she made his or her way up the runway at Dolphin Stadium. "I'm gonna melt in your mouth, not in your hands."
FOXBORO, Massachusetts. Five times the New England Patriots had made it to the AFC Championship Game, and five times they had won. Until Sunday night.
Belichick and Pioli
"It was a tough loss, but we've got to move on," said Scott Pioli, the Patriots' VP of Player Personnel regarding the Indianapolis Colts' 38-34 come-from-behind win over the three-time Super Bowl champions.
Pioli says he and Bill Belichick, the Patriots' notoriously detail-oriented head coach, will be reviewing their depth chart over the next few weeks in an effort to improve the team, and that they won't stop at the sidelines. "We intend to take a hard look at some of our fans, many of whom have done a great job with their game-day fetishes over the years, but who may have lost a little of their mojo."
"36-42 cover, shoot--ready? Break!"
In Weymouth, Massachusetts, for example, Brian Shaw has carried the Pats' (as they are referred to affectionately around here) for years with a superstitious routine that involves the same underwear he wore in 1985 when the team "Squished the Fish", defeating the Miami Dolphins 31-14 to advance to Super Bowl XX against the Chicago Bears. "I've gone from a 36 to a 42 waist in the past two decades," says Shaw, "so the boxers were getting kind of small." "Frankly, Brian has lost a step," said linebacker Tully Banta-Cain, "and you can't play one-on-one defense against Marvin Harrison with a guy whose underwear is too tight for him."
The Barnacle
In nearby Hull, Massachusetts, a seaside community where locals gather at The Barnacle on Sundays to watch the Patriots on five TV screens, regular Howie Slater has traditionally "held it in" the entire second half in the belief that the football gods look with favor on his sacrifice. "You look back to the Snow Bowl game against Oakland in 2002, where we got the call on the 'tuck rule'," Slater says. "I stayed right on my barstool waiting for the replay and the challenge, and I'd been drinking pitchers of Miller Lite all freakin' day," he recalls. "Ever since, I don't move the whole second half even if I have to pee down my leg."
"I've heard of wet tee-shirt night, but never wet pants leg."
Pioli says there will be a number of interesting free agent fans on the market in the offseason, including Floyd Turnbull, a Broncos' season-ticket holder who refuses to bathe for the entire weekend during football season unless Denver has a bye week.
Shanahan: "Either get that guy out of the stadium, or get me some Glade Air Freshener!"
"Mike Shanahan has owned the Patriots for the past two seasons, and adding Turnbull could be a difference maker for New England," said ESPN pro football nerd John Clayton. "It's a move that would be welcomed be Broncos fans, who like to give Turnbull a mile-wide berth at Mile High."
ATLANTA, Georgia. Quarterback Michael Vick, who made an obscene gesture at Falcon fans last Sunday, says he will continue to express his feelings but will make donations to local charities for each crude hand signal he makes.
"Vick passed for single-digit numbers in the first quarter."
"Those fans were booing me--they got what they deserved," Vice said of the uplifted fingers symbolizing a sex act that he displayed to spectators as he walked off the field following last week's 31-13 loss to the New Orleans Saints. "We're the Falcons, and I gave them the bird," the colloquial term for the one-finger symbol.
"Teach--your children well."
Vick will make a $5,000 donation for each "bird" to the Georgia Audobon Society for the protection of endangered species including the bald eagle. "If I grab my #### or somthing like that, the money goes to a rape crisis center."
State bird of Georgia
Vick has threatened to drop his pants, a practice known as "mooning", if fans throw things on the field following a fumble or an interception. "If I do that, I'm gonna make a donation to the Christa MacAuliffe Educational Foundation."
Ah, the memories! Every Boston sports fan has them. For those who are new to Boston, or just visiting, here are some "must see" landmarks in one of America's great sports towns.
South Main Street, Worcester, Mass.: While not technically in Boston, in fact nearly forty miles away, it was here that Carlton Fisk hit his historic home run in the bottom of the twelfth inning of game six of the 1975 World Series on the television in my apartment. A recent transplant to the East Coast from St. Louis Cardinal country, I was moved that night to develop a rooting interest in the Red Sox as my American League favorite, a decision with consequences that reverberate to this day for my wife.
Fisk's home run.
One Boston Place, Boston. It was here that the world, or at least the part of the world that I occupied, first learned of the tragic death of Len Bias from a cocaine overdose. A Boston Celtics season ticket holder at the firm where I worked came walking down the hall mumbling "Len Bias is dead" in a somber tone that suggested the President had been shot. The first-round pick that the Celtics used to select Bias--projected to be "the next Michael Jordan"--was acquired in exchange for Gerald Henderson, a starting guard on the Celtics' 1986 championship squad whose steal of a James Worthy pass in game two of the 1984 NBA Finals led to a Celtics victory in overtime.
The tragic death of Len Bias taught us all a lesson that one hopes will never be forgotten; never trade a starting shooting guard for a draft choice.
Len Bias is the tall guy.
Massachusetts Turnpike, Framingham exit. Okay, so it's not even in the same county. Still, it is here that David Henderson hit the home run on the radio of a Toyota Corolla against California Angels' relief pitcher Donnie Moore in Game 5 of the 1986 American League Championship Series as my fiancee and I were returning from a getaway weekend at a Vermont bed-and-breakfast that did not have a TV. With only one strike needed to clinch the Angels' first-ever pennant, Henderson homered to tie the game, and in the 11th drove in what proved to be the winning run with a sacrifice fly off Moore. The teams returned to Boston where the Sox won two straight games to advance to the 1986 World Series.
Moore, who had long battled depression, was subsequently traded to the Kansas City Royals, which didn't help. He ultimately committed suicide as California fans and the media never forgave or forgot that he "blew" game five. In Donnie's memory, I recall for my wife this significant moment in baseball history whenever we pass this exit.
"Kansas City sucks, but at least Tampa Bay doesn't have a team yet."
Nino's Pizza, Cambridge Street, Boston. It is here that I once had a slice of pizza with my friend Vince and noticed an autographed picture of Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito eating in the same booth we were sitting in. This is my only link to the 1972 Boston Bruins, the team that won the franchise's last Stanley Cup. Esposito was known for his gritty play in front of the net, which often produced second-chance goals. He is the punch line to the most famous graffito in Boston sports history. "Jesus Saves" wrote an anonymous author with a religious turn of mind above a urinal; "Espo scores on the rebound!" a wag writes just underneath.
"Let's go to Nino's!"
Jordan's Furniture, Natick, Mass. Not Boston, but closer than Framingham. In the 1986 Eastern Conference Finals, the Celtics face a tough Milwaukee Bucks team led by Sidney Moncrieff. Celtics center Robert Parrish sprains his ankle as we're shopping for a couch--and comes back out after half-time to play hurt! There's a TV with the game on at the sales counter--I can't tear myself away as I watch Parrish gut it out in a demonstration that inspires his teammates to sweep the series. My wife asks me whether I prefer a bluish-green sofa, or one that's covered with red chintz. I say "Go with the blue-green one." She has buyer's remorse as soon as the thing is delivered and blames me. Parish retires in 1997, outlasting the couch by several years.
"Don't sit on the couch if you're sweaty!"
Beacon Street, Boston. On November 23, 1984, my girlfriend and I are scheduled to have dinner at a fashionable restaurant with her smug sister--an investment banker--and her husband. It is the fourth quarter of the Boston College-Miami game, with Miami leading 45-41. "John and Della are waiting out in the car," my girlfriend says. "There's only time for one more play," I say--"tell Della to blow it out her panty hose." My girlfriend starts to get all teary-eyed. "You and your stupid sports!" she says. "All right," I say and turn off the TV. Gerard Phelan catches Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" pass and BC wins, 47-41. Thankfully, I have since been able to see the replay a few times.
"Cancel that reservation!"
Suggestion: Next time, call the restaurant and tell them you'll be a few minutes late, the ball is about to be snapped for the college freaking football play of the century.
"Look at the cute little kitty!"
Looney Tunes Records, Newbury Street, Boston. In 1987 I sell the only Michael Jackson album I ever owned--"Thriller"--at this used record store. Chuck Sullivan, son of New England Patriots' owner Billy Sullivan, organizes the Jackson Family "Victory Tour", which includes Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Randy, Marlon and Jackie Jackson--in fact, every Jackson since Andrew.
Andrew Jackson: He couldn't make it.
The tour is a financial disaster, leading to the sale of the Patriots to Victor Kiam, then to James Orthwein, who threatens to move the team to St. Louis. Instead, Robert Kraft purchases the team, and three Super Bowl victories are the improbable result of this "Butterfly Effect"--the notion popularized by mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Brazil can cause a tornado in Texas.
"Attention ladies and gentlemen--game five is cancelled."
Hanscom Field, Bedford, Massachusetts. It is here that, on October 28, 2004, I was scheduled to board a flight for St. Louis to see Game 5 of the 2004 World Series, which ended on October 27, 2004. Also not in Boston.
Bucky Bleepin' Dent.
Greenwich Village, New York. While technically outside the 617 area code, it is here that Bucky Dent hit his historic home run off Mike Torrez on a television in an apartment, propelling the New York Yankees to victory in a one-game playoff to decide the 1978 American League Eastern Division champions. I sat on a couch between two college classmates, both Yankee fans. I suppose it could have been worse, but only if I had been there in person.
PHOENIX, Arizona. An explosion rocked Phoenix this morning after Arizona Cardinals' owner William V. Bidwill caused Sun Devil Stadium to be demolished in the erroneous belief that he owned it.
Bidwill: "I own the Royals? They suck too."
The stadium is owned by Arizona State University and is the home field of that school's football team, as well as the site of the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. The Cardinals played there from 1998 to 2005, but moved to a newly-constructed stadium last month.
Green: "I'll explain it at my next press conference."
Cardinals coach Dennis Green expressed regret when informed of the mistake. "Wow--that's a doozy. I hope we have insurance."
"Sorry--I couldn't hear you. Did you say 'Wait a minute!'?"
Major league teams often destroy their former home fields when they build a new stadium said Janice McNeil of HOK Architecture, the firm that designed Baltimore's Camden Yards. "You should always make sure you have the deed to the stadium when you blow it up," she cautioned. "I tell my clients to put that at the tippy-top of the list of things to check before they push the little red button on the detonator."
Bidwill, managing general partner of the team, promised that ASU would be reimbursed for the damage. "I don't know why they're making such a big deal out of it," he said. "The place was a dump."
John David Crow, former Cardinals running back: "Bidwill still owes me meal money."
The Cardinals are the oldest continuously-operated pro football franchise in America, and the most inept. The team traces its lineage back to 1898, when it was formed as the Morgan Athletic Club. It was known for a time as the Racine, Wisconsin Normals, and took the name "Cardinals" in 1901 when it received a set of used University of Chicago jerseys whose trademark maroon coloring had faded to red.
Since adopting the Cardinal as their mascot, the team has played in and fled from fans in Chicago and St. Louis before moving to Phoenix in 1988. In 107 years of competition the Cardinals have finished at the top of the standings only twice, first in 1925 by virtue of having the league's best record (NFL postseason play did not begin until 1933) and the last in 1947 when they defeated the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21 in the NFL Championship Game.
Boldin: "Throw the freakin' bean bag!"
Cardinals' wide receiver Anquan Boldin was outraged when he learned that the Detroit Lions had been voted the worst NFL franchise of all time in a recent on-line poll. "Just shows you there's a lot of ignorant people on the internet," he said, noting that the Cardinals' all-time won-lost percentage of .414 was much worse than the Lions' .476. He urged Cardinals' coach Green to "Throw the freakin' bean bag and challenge the call!"
CHARLOTTE, North Carolina. Carolina Panthers' wide receiver Steve Smith likes to say he can make an opposing team's home stadium "quiet as a liberry" with the explosive skills that produced 27 catches and three touchdowns for his team in last season's playoffs.
"You--be quiet!"
As a result, the Panthers acquired a reputation as the NFL's ultimate "Road Warriors", winning eight of ten away games during the regular season before falling to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship in Seattle, the most literate city in America according to USA Today.
Seattle Library: "Please leave your Half-caf, soy Maple Macchiatos outside."
What Smith didn't know was that Seattle libraries are actually bustling places and not the quiet refuges of yore, according to Priscilla Smith-Volker, head librarian at the city's downtown branch. "Goodness no, we have a lot going on," she said in her prim and proper manner. "There's story hour for the toddlers, a foreign film series, and perverts downloading child pornography at the computers."
Early in the second quarter of the Panthers' 34-14 loss to Seattle Smith was seen berating the Panthers' offensive staff on the sideline.
John Dewey: An organized guy.
"I told them to get me the damn ball, but they were totally disorganized. They were using Library of Congress Class Headings. You can't get to the Super Bowl 'less you use Dewey Decimal Classifications," he said, referring to the two principal library cataloging systems.
"Get me the damn ball, or let me renew War and Peace!"
Smith's 59-yard punt return for a touchdown shortly thereafter silenced the crowd at Seattle's Qwest Field for a while, but not without some changes in the Carolina game plan. "Dan Henning had filed our playbook under 'Sports, Recreational'," Smith noted, referring to the Panthers' offensive coordinator. "Goddam, man--he should have put it under 'Sports, Competitive'!"
Next time, just buy the book.
For his part, head coach John Fox refused to blame Smith or Panthers' quarterback Jake Delhomme, who threw three interceptions. "I take full responsibility," Fox said. "I came into town and tried to check out David Halberstam's book on Bill Belichick (The Education of a Coach) on a temporary library card. They told me I couldn't borrow any 'New Arrivals' unless I had a utility bill with a local address." As a result, Fox never learned the secrets of the Patriots' coaching genius.
"Next time I'll just spring for the $24.95 and buy it at the airport."
PHOENIX, Arizona. The United States Postal Service has bowed to pressure from Arizona Cardinals fans, agreeing Friday to assign a separate zip code to the team's mammoth rookie, Taitusi "Deuce" Lutui.
Lutui: "Stay away from the buffet--it's mine."
"In terms of size alone, Lutui is bigger than certain counties in Rhode Island and rural free delivery routes in Missouri, so we caved," said U.S. Postmaster General John E. Potter.
Bigger than Hazard, Nebraska.
"This is the Post Office--we have a lot of time on our hands," he added, "what with not delivering your mail and coming up with goofy stamp designs."
Lutui was an All-American guard for the Trojans of the University of Southern California, where at 370 pounds he was the heaviest player in the school's history. He was invited to rush the Sigma Nu fraternity but declined after learning that their dining hall was not large enough to hold him.
Sigma Nu: Not big enough.
A second-round pick in last year's NFL college draft, Lutui was nonetheless one of the first players from the class of 2006 to be honored with an entry in Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopedia. "Somebody put his bio up right after he was drafted," said Wikipedia chief information officer A.J. Turner, "but the site crashed when our servers couldn't handle his weight."
Lutui was born in Ha'api, Tonga. His name is an anagram for "Suiti tutu lait", a greeting in the native tongue of his Polynesian homeland that means "I wish to wear your sister's tutu."
DETROIT, Michigan. It's October, and the Detroit Tigers are riding high as they return to Comerica Park after a 2-0 win over New York on the road in the American League Division series.
Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander
The Detroit Lions, on the other hand, are right where they usually are--down low in the standings of the National Football Conference's North Division with an 0-4 record. They haven't won a playoff game in a quarter of a century, and have the second-worst record in NFL history, topping only the Chicago-St. Louis-Arizona Cardinals.
So some Lions fans are receptive to a proposal being floated by team owner William Clay Ford; merge the team into the Tigers, creating the Detroit "Ligers", a cross between a male lion and a female tiger made popular by the cult-hit movie "Napoleon Dynamite".
Liger
"In football, when it's fourth down, you either go for it or punt. I think it is in the best interests of the Detroit Lions football team that we drop back ten and kick it to the more successful team in town, the Tigers," the executive summary of Ford's confidential forty-page report concludes.
William Clay Ford
In "Napoleon Dynamite", Napoleon draws ligers in his notebook. When the character "Deb" notices one of his sketches she asks what he is drawing. Napoleon replies "A liger," adding that "It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed . . . bred for its skills in magic." Ford says magic will be required to revive the Lions' franchise, which won five NFL championships before its merger with the AFL, but none since 1957.
Napoleon and Deb
Kenny Rogers, starting pitcher for Detroit in tonight's game, expressed concern that a merger would result in sterile offspring. "I'm not saying anybody on this club is on steroids," Rogers said, choosing his words carefully, "but if they are, they're gonna have enough problems with fertility as it is."
Tigers' shortstop Carlos Guillen said he had no objections to a merger, but had a problem with the name. "We should be the 'Tigons'," a cross between a male tiger and a female lion, he said as he stood outside the batting cage at Comerica Park today, "'cause we're stronger than them."
FOXBORO, Massachusetts. New England Patriots wide receiver Reche Caldwell was cleared to play in this week's game against the Miami Dolphins after taking a vicious hit to the head last Sunday against the Cincinnati Bengals.
Caldwell: "You don't know jack about Bloomsbury, man!"
"He's fully recovered," said Dr. Harry Wernick who examined Caldwell at Boston's Massachusetts General Hospital yesterday. Wernick led a "dream team" of neurologists and other physicians who administered a battery of tests to Caldwell.
Dr. Harry Wernick and his "dream team" colleagues.
"We started out in the traditional way, asking Reche who was president, who's the vice president and so on," said Wernick. "He named the entire Bush cabinet, the current justices of the U.S. Supreme Court, the original members of the Shirelles and all of Elvis's number one records. Then he named the principal dancers of the American Ballet Theatre for the past thirty years in inverse order of height starting with Mikhail Baryshnikov."
The Shirelles
Caldwell's remarkable mental feats did not surprise fellow Patriot Rodney Harrison, who is also known for his hard tackling. "Sometimes a hit like that can clear your head," Harrison said. "I came up to him to make sure he was all right and he said 'Harrison, William Henry--Old Tippecanoe--right?' I said no, I'm Rodney--your teammate. He says 'I know--I'm just messin' with ya.'" The ninth President of the United States, William Henry Harrison died after just thirty days in office, but was picked up on waivers by the San Diego Chargers.
President William Henry Harrison
Bengals' safety Kevin Kaesviharn made the hit that brought Caldwell down, but he was the one left shaking his head. "He bet me I couldn't name five members of the Bloomsbury Group. I rattled off Virginia Woolf, Vita Sackville-West, E. M. Forster and Lytton Strachey pretty quick, then I was stuck. He starts in with Vanessa Bell, Clive Bell, Dora Carrington, Roger Fry and David Garnett. I had to get back to the huddle but he just kept goin' with Duncan Grant, John Maynard Keynes, Desmond MacCarthy and Leonard Woolf."
Virginia Woolf
The Bloomsbury Group began as an informal social assembly of Cambridge University graduates in the late 19th century who mingled at events held by the Apostles secret society. After the merger of the NFL into the AFL in 1969, the group became known as the Kansas City Chiefs.
DETROIT, Michigan. In the wake of charges that their assistant coach Joe Cullen has engaged in bizarre behavior that includes driving in the nude, members of the Detroit Lion family have rallied around their embattled colleague.
“Joe has had problems with alcohol before,” said Lions president Matt Millen, “but there are plenty of rehab options available for that. There’s really no twelve-step program for driving around naked.”
