DALLAS. With skyrocketing player salaries and rising materials costs undermining their ability to build state-of-the stadiums, owners of professional sports teams find themselves between a rock and a hard place these days. "It used to be we could look to the state or the city for a little something to cover infrastructure," says Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones. "Now they tell us they've gone and blown all their money on stupid stuff like schools, firemen and policemen, and we're left high and dry."
Texas Stadium: "Hey--I was sitting there!"
So Jones, who had already imposed "personal seat licenses" on long-time fans which, for as much as $150,000, merely give them the right to buy season tickets, came up with the idea of the "personal butt license" to cover his funding gap. "The seat license gives you the right to buy the ticket to the seat," says Martin Zimwurtz, an economist who studies professional sports because it's more fun than poverty. "The butt license gives you the right to put your fanny in the seat that is licensed to you."
"Dude--I got a personal body paint license!"
Other teams with new stadiums on the drawing board are looking closely at the Cowboys' move, and considering other add-on fees of their own. "Many of our fans like to touch inappropriate parts of their bodies while the TV cameras are scanning the stands," says New York Giants' co-owner John Mara. "That depresses our advertising revenues, so people are going to have to 'pay to pick' if they want us to win another Super Bowl."
In Arizona, where the football Cardinals just moved into the University of Phoenix and Mel's Weed-Wacker Supply Stadium, patrons can upgrade to body odor-free seats for a one-time Air Wick Room De-odorizer charge.
"A lot of our fans get kinda sweaty on the long walk from the parking lot to their seats, so we're putting six-foot room de-odorizers in designated VIP seating sections," says Arthur Bidwill, Vice President of Nepotism for the team. "The addition of these fine Air Wick products will not interfere with play on the field, where our team always stinks."
MIAMI. Emerging from his office with reddened eyes and a blank look on his face, Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells tried to hide the pain that his players could detect from across the room sitting in the whirlpool. "I have not been crying," Parcells said brusquely to a reporter who bravely asked the question that was on everyone's lips. "I've been watching game film--lots of game film."
Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska
The source of Parcells' irritation is the lack of attention Jason Taylor, star defensive end for his team, the Miami Dolphins, is paying to offseason training. The six-time Pro Bowl selection has been spending time not lifting weights or pushing blocking dummies around, but dancing, in front of millions of people, with partner Edyta Sliwinska on "Dancing With the Stars," while Parcells sits at home, his hair up in curlers, waiting for Taylor to call.
"I love you, man . . ."
"I broke up with him," Parcells said as he drove away on a golf cart to supervise drills by quarterbacks, receivers and defensive backs. "He didn't break up with me."
"This is way better than a crack-back block!"
Taylor's run at dancing ended last night as he and his partner Edyta Sliwinska finished second to Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas in Tuesday's Dancing With the Stars finale, but Hollywood is calling, leaving Parcells wondering when he'll ever see his down lineman again.
"My partner is in there somewhere."
"'Edyta Sliwinska' sounds like a triple-word score in Scrabble," Parcells said. "I don't know where she came from, so I think I'll call immigration officials and see if they're looking for an illegal ballroom dancing immigrant."
FOXBORO, Mass. With the announcement yesterday that a meeting between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Matt Walsh has been arranged, insiders have begun to speculate on what hard evidence the former New England Patriots’ video assistant has to back up his claim that the team engaged in illegal taping as far back as 2002.
Matt Walsh
“What he’s got on tape is disturbing,” said a former employee of the team who preferred to remain anonymous. “Bill Belichick, in the shower, with soap on a rope.”
Brut Soap-on-a-Rope
Belichick became obsessed with soap-on-a-rope after the New York Jets defeated the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III in 1969, when Belichick was 16. Joe Namath, the Jets’ quarterback who brashly predicted the stunning upset, had been featured using Brut Soap-on-a-Rope in television commercials, and the two became linked in the aspiring coach’s mind. Belichick asked his parents for Brut Soap-on-a-Rope as a birthday present three months later, and has used the product normally associated with adolescent boys ever since as a good luck charm.
Namath: “It’s impossible to fumble soap-on-a-rope in the shower, even when the other guys blitz you.”
Walsh, a minimum wage go-fer for the Patriots, fell out of favor with Belichick following a summer camp scrimmage in which Belichick shouted out “right guard” after a blown offensive assignment. Walsh interpreted the coach’s command to refer to men’s toiletries, and subsequently gave Belichick a Gillette Right Guard boxed gift set that included deodorant, shaving cream and after-shave. Walsh was dismissed from the team shortly thereafter, and grew resentful of the $10.95 he had spent for nought.
Negotiations between Walsh’s lawyer and the NFL had dragged on as the league initially refused to provide legal protection to Walsh for his evidence. “There was a genuine concern that you’d expose your client to prosecution for pornography if you turned over a videotape of Belichick in the shower,” said Robert Bostrom, a professor of criminal law at Boston College Law School. “He wears that hoodie thing for a reason.”
GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. This town in western Massachusetts is home to Belcher's Cave, once a hideout for criminals but now primarily a weekend destination for amateur spelunkers. "We have to fish a lot of college kids out who go down with a six-pack of beer and can't find their way back up," says caretaker Ewell Burns. "It's a pain in the butt on Sunday morning."
Secret entrance to Belcher's Cave
For the past two weeks, however, the cave has been crowded with another hungover group; New England Patriots' fans hunkered down fearing an end to the world after their team's 17-14 loss to the New York Giants in Super Bowl XLII. "It's the hardcore front-runners," says State Parks Ranger Art Sowell. "The ones who aren't old enough to remember '85 and '97," the years in which the Patriots lost their first two Super Bowls to the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers.
US soldier cautiously approaches cave entrance.
The practice of holing up in a cave following a crushing defeat originated with the Japanese following the end of World War II, according to Norman Doyle, a professor of history at Smith College. "After a blow-out win at Pearl Harbor, the Japanese were odds-on favorites to win the Pacific Divison," he notes. "When they lost the Battle of Midway a lot of fans left early to beat the traffic because they could see the end coming."
Mosi Tatupu
The Sons of Mosi Tatupu, a paramilitary cult named after a retired Patriots running back, entered the cave shortly after Plaxico Burress burned Patriots' corner back Ellis Hobbs in single coverage for the go-ahead score. Members vowed to commit seppuku--ritual suicide--if the Patriots did not come back to win the game, but were distracted from their deadly vow by the Hooters Best Damn Dream Girls competition, which was piped into the cave by concerned public health authorities.
"Grassy knoll", Dallas, Texas
New England fans have searched for a "grassy knoll" to support their conspiracy theory that officiating errors gave the Giants extra time to put together their miracle drive, but because the game was played in the Arizona desert they have so far come up empty.
"It's bumper-to-bumper in front of the cheese dog stand."
"We thought we saw one of those black helicopters the UN is gonna send when they take over America," said Len Sklarski of Chicopee, Mass. "Turns out it was the KYDJ Skywatch Traffic Reporter."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick yesterday broke his silence on the allegations of improper filming of opponents that marred the team's 2007-08 season, saying the last film of another football team he had seen was "Knute Rockne, All American."
Belichick: "That's an incredibly stupid question, but I'll try not to answer it anyway."
"In my entire coaching career, I've never seen another team's practice film, family vacation film, or wedding film," Belichick said to reporters who asked about allegations by former Patriots' video assistant Matt Walsh that he had videotaped several house pets belonging to St. Louis Rams' players prior to Super Bowl XXXVI, and sold the film to "America's Funniest Home Videos."
"I want you to go out there and win one for the Gipper so we'll have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs."
Belichick has been diagnosed with Type-0 personality disorder, a psychological condition he contracted while an assistant coach with the New York Jets. Type A personalities are high-achieving, impatient, and aggressive, Type B personalities are patient, relaxed, and easy-going, and Type-0 personalities have zero personality measured by either the Celsius or Fahrenheit scale.
MGH Center for the Study of Zero Personality Disorders
"A Type-0 personality is the sort of guy who will refuse to buy an expensive bouquet for his wife on Valentine's Day, then wonder why she gets upset when he tells her how much money they saved," says Dr. Philip Reif of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.
"All you Type-0 personalities out there, be careful driving home tonight."
Efforts to increase awareness of the disease have been largely unsuccessful, because no comedian has been willing to adopt the cause as his own. "Type-0 personalities are a hazard on the roads late at night coming home from comedy clubs," says Mike McMahon, who does stand-up in the Boston area. "They usually don't 'get' jokes until an hour after last call."
NEW YORK. He was the longest of long shots--longer than Joe Namath's Jets--and for that reason he is today the toast of the town. One hundred winners had preceded him, but never before had his team won it all.
How sweet it is!
"Yeah baby!" shouted Sam de Franza, a sanitation worker from Flushing, Queens, as the champ rolled past in a Cadillac convertible he won as the top dog in the country. "This is for all the #### we've had to put up with all these years!"
"Please--curb your dogs!"
The celebration came to a stop outside Gracie Mansion, the mayor's residence and a silent film star of the thirties, where crowds began to chant "Uno-Uno-Uno", expressing the city-wide sentiment that the underdog had indeed proven he was number one.
Gracie Mansion: "Please don't pee on the tulips!"
Uno, a black and tan beagle nearing his third birthday, had just been named "Best in Show" at the Westminster Kennel Club show, the first beagle in the 69 year history of the "World Series of Dogs" to win it all. "Sixty-nine years, baby!" Uno shouted to the crowd as he accepted a dog biscuit in the shape of a key to the city from Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "That's 483 dog years!"
"I can't believe I lost to that mutt!"
Uno had attracted big bets from New Yorkers who viewed the favorite, a standard poodle, as overrated and vulnerable to the beagle's short stride on the Westminster green carpet. "There's a lot of bookies licking their you-know-whats this morning!" Bloomberg said to roars of approval, milking the moment for all its political value.
"Let's try the hook 'n ladder play--on two. Break!"
Uno says he will take some time off after playing in the Dog Bowl, an all-star affair pitting east and west coast breeds against each other in Hawaii, a post-season tradition. Then it will be back to the film room to see how he can improve his game for next season. "You want to run with the big dogs," he says in his native southern accent, "you got to get off the porch."
GLENDALE, Arizona. Concerned about the risk of career-ending injuries, former pro quarterback Archie Manning today announced that his sons Peyton and Eli would retire from football and stand at stud for sports-crazy parents who want to produce future signal callers from his proven bloodline.
"I get the blonde."
"I don't want my boys to get sacked like Joe Theismann and have to be put down to the role of television color commentator," Manning said. "They can make just as much money servicing broodmares--I mean housewives--all over the country and never throw another interception."
"I'm sorry Joe--we're going to have to put you to sleep."
The market for athletic stud services is young, but equine syndicators estimate that it could become a billion-dollar business in just a few years. "People are willing to pay good money to get sperm from Nobel Prize winners," said Blakemore Jones of Kentucky's Post Time Thoroughbreds. "Which would you rather have--a kid who's an NFL quarterback or one who's a gloomy Norwegian novelist?"
Sigrid Undset, Gloomy Norwegian Novelist, 1928 Nobel Prize Winner in Literature
Following the New York Giants' victory over the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, the Mannings are the first brothers to win back-to-back professional football championships, and their market price is probably at its peak. Otto Graham led the Cleveland Browns to the championship of the All-America Football Conference in 1948, the year after his mother served as the team's signal caller.
Otto Graham: "Aw, Mom--do I have to run the naked bootleg?"
The Manning brothers say they won't mind leaving football behind for the bordello. "You ever seen Dwight Freeney?" asked Eli Manning, referring to his brother's pass-rushing teammate. "One missed block and that guy tears me apart like a half-price bucket of chicken wings."
GLENDALE, Arizona. New England Patriots' wide receiver Randy Moss today asked an Arizona state court to grant a temporary restraining order requiring the New York Giants' safeties and cornerbacks to stay at least 500 feet away from him until the conclusion of Super Bowl XLII, and the judge assigned to the case took the request under advisement.
Curtis Montague Schilling Federal Courthouse, Glendale AZ
"The parties shall submit briefs in support of or in opposition to the motion by close of business Thursday," said Superior Court Judge Thomas W. Twohig, "and I will issue my ruling on or before 5:00 p.m. on Friday, which is when 2-for-1 Chalupa Hour begins at Eddie's Mexican Grille."
"Just stay away, dig?"
Moss is himself the subject of a restraining order handed down by a court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, which requires him to stay at least 500 feet from Rachelle Washington, a woman who both agree is a "longtime friend" of Moss. "That's just how folks relate down here," said Eddie Jefferson, an acquaintance of the two. "You get a TRO against me, and I get a preliminary injunction against you. It's kinda like WASPy women give each other hostess gifts at a party."
"A permanent injunction? You shouldn't have!"
Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick said Washington's restraining order would not affect the team's game plan for the Super Bowl, the fourth in six years for the franchise. "We'll play a zone against her, which cuts out a lot of curl patterns," he said, drawing a diagram on a white board behind him. "If she tries to blackmail our wide receivers, we'll run crossing patterns over the middle."
Free the Chalupa 2!
Moss broke the NFL single-season mark of 22 touchdown catches in 2007, hauling in his record-breaking twenty-third score against the Giants in the final game of the season. Moss complained about illegal contact by the Giants' cornerbacks and safeties during the game, saying they cramped his style. "I like a sleek, padless look for playoff games," he said. "They made me look slow until I burned them for the go-ahead score."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. Mary Pat Sheehan has lived in this community of 14,000 south of Boston her whole life, so she's used to the media circus that comes to town whenever the New England Patriots advance to the Super Bowl. "I can deal with the reporters taking up parking spaces downtown and cutting in line at the Dunkin' Donuts," she says. "I just wish they'd learn to clean up after themselves."
Downtown Foxborough, Massachusetts
Sheehan is referring to the practice by members of the national media to shorten the town's name to "Foxboro" in stories they file for print and electronic outlets, leaving the streets littered with cast-aside U's, G's and H's. "It's a matter of common courtesy, but the media big shots think they're too important to bother," she says.
Gillette Stadium
The cost of the clean-up is significant, straining the town's budget and forcing cutbacks in services such as the local anti-smoking officer, Earl "Bud" Dailey. "My job is to stand around downtown and yell at kids to stop smoking," Dailey says. "Due to budget cuts, I can only yell at half the kids, the others I just kinda scowl at."
"Hey--half of you kids stop smoking!"
National reporters say they are being discriminated against since local newspapers such as the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald also shorten the town's name, but Walter Endicott, assistant managing editor of the Globe, says the situation is more "nuanced" than that. "We encourage our readers to recycle the extra letters on our puzzle page," he says. "With a U, a G and an H, if you need a three letter word for 'wildebeest' you're two-thirds of the way there."
Wildebeest: "What's gnu?"
It's not just the extra letters, say concerned residents such as Marla Townsend, it's also the over-the-top figures of speech that are thrown around during the two-week interval between the conference championships and the Super Bowl. "I came out to get the paper one morning and there was a worn-out methaphor--'Brady is the Patriot's arm'--on my lawn. It was disgusting."
Townsend, Sheehan and others like them aren't just complaining, however, they're taking action. As the media buses roll out of the parking lot at Gillette Stadium today on their way to Logan Airport and flights to the Super Bowl in Glendale, Arizona, the women will be standing in silent protest along Route 1, holding signs to express their unhappiness. Their slogan: "U-G-H spells 'UGH'."
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. New England Patriots' head coach Bill Belichick today issued an ultimatum to his starting quarterback Tom Brady, saying if this year's NFL Most Valuable Player did not show up for practice tomorrow he would not play in Super Bowl XLII next Sunday against the New York Giants.
Belichick: "No single individual is more important than the team--except me, of course."
Brady has missed practice for the past two days, allegedly because he injured his ankle in the AFC Championship Game against the San Diego Chargers. "A lot of guys will fake injuries when they want to spend time with their girlfriends," Belichick said in answer to a reporter's question regarding the harshness of the proposed punishment. Challenged to name one, Belichick, a student and historian of the game, shot back "Bronco Nagurski, Chicago Bears, 1936."
Bronco Nagurski
Belichick intimated that there could be harsher penalties in store if Brady fails to appear for the mandatory no-pads session tomorrow in the practice "bubble" next to Gillette Stadium. "If Tom doesn't play in two quarters of every game, he doesn't get his football letter," Belichick said. "And he can't put 'Varsity Football, '08' next to his name in the yearbook."
Uh, looks okay now.
There is speculation among Brady's teammates that the threat of lost varsity letter will be enough to coax the two-time Super Bowl MVP back to the practice field. "Tom really needs a new letter jacket," said his All-Pro defensive tackle Richard Seymour. "He gave his old one to Bridget Moynihan, and she won't give it back."
"C'mon, give it back--it makes you look fat."
Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, has been advised by the International Court of Dating Conventions that she is not legally "going steady" with Brady unless she has possession of either a letter sweater or a letter jacket with "Tom" embroidered on the sleeve. "I have told Tom to go to practice," Bundchen told reporters outside her Greenwich Village apartment in New York. "He is setting a terrible example for Pop Warner kids all across the country."
It’s the dead of winter. You live in a four-sport town, but the World Series is over, your favorite NFL team is out of the playoffs, and your local NBA and NHL franchises have Saturday night off. The last bowl game of the season has been played.
Your wife or girlfriend turns to you and utters the six words that, strung together in the proper order, bring nausea to the stomach of any red-blooded American male.
“Is there any skating on tonight?”
Your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth, as if with peanut butter, because without a rooting interest to guide you, you can’t rattle off a televised sports event of greater significance than a non-title bout in the junior flyweight division of the WBA. Or is it the WBO? WBC?
You’re trapped. And, since it’s Saturday night, you decide to be nice to her–for ulterior reasons.
You hand her the remote, and head for the fridge.
Wait–come back. You can learn to stomach figure skating. Really. Just follow these easy “Learn-to-Love Skating!” guidelines:
She’s Not That Into Them. You dread the thought of watching guys salchowing around in sequins and stretch pants. Don’t assume she wants to watch men, or even pairs, however. For reasons that are unclear down deep, but readily apparent on the surface, women like to watch women. You don’t watch the WNBA, do you?
Kowa-bunga!
Look at That Outfit! In case you only pay attention to women’s figure skating when sombody takes a tire iron to an Olympic hopeful’s shinbone, the women’s outfits leave nothing to the imagination, as the foundation undergarment industry used to say.
“The yellow caution flag is out.”
Pretend It’s NASCAR. Just as some fans go to stock car races for the crashes, and some hockey fans only get excited when there’s a fight, it’s fun to watch skating for the falls. If the networks were smart, they’d zoom in on the point where the panties hit the ice and circle it with a John Madden-model video pen to show the circumference and depth of concave impression. “Looks like Maria must be wearing husky sizes now, Carol!” “I think she’s been gobbling down too many linzer tortes, ####.”
Katerina Witt: “Yes I was a Communist informant–so whatski?”
Pick a Villian. Pro wrestling promoters learned long ago that it takes a villain to raise the ratings. Katerina Witt was for years the Barry Bonds of women’s figure skating–unloved, even at the top of her game. If you’re the type that hates dynasties, rag on Michelle Kwan.
Pick a Favorite. The flip side of picking a villain is to select a sentimental favorite–the wide-eyed, white-skated equivalent of the Chicago Cubs. You can then gush over her every toe loop. Sorry, Irina Slutskya is taken–I saw her first!
“Michelle was robbed!”
Get Mad At the Judges. Everyone knows that skating is as crooked as boxing. When your favorite skater finishes her routine, take a deep breath as she picks up her teddy bears and long-stemmed red roses and heads to the “kiss and cry” area. Get ready to explode when the scores are announced. “Only 9.8 for artistic expression!” you scream. “She was robbed!” Storm out of the room, check score of Australian-rules football game on the den TV. Pull a nose hair or two until your eyes water, grab a Kleenex and return sniffling to the couch.
The woman waiting for you there will give you a big hug.
FOXBORO, Mass. As the Pittsburgh Steelers' walked off the field following their 34-13 loss to the undefeated New England Patriots here tonight, teammates pointed their fingers at second-year safety Anthony Smith who had "guaranteed" a victory last Wednesday.
Anthony Smith
"Damn, man--what'd you go and do that for?" said running back Willie Parker. "We gonna have to give refunds now?"
Brady: Four touchdown passes.
"Naw, you guys didn't read the fine print," Smith explained. "I never guaranteed a win--I said if we didn't win, and you saved your ticket and mailed it in along with your proof of purchase by December 15th, I'd give you a rebate equal to the amount by which the Pats beat the over," which was set at 47 points. Because the game score equalled but did not exceed 47, the "over" bet set by Las Vegas oddsmakers, Smith is disclaiming liability.
"That ain't your receipt man--this is from Applebee's!"
Professional sports guaranties of victory are frequently given but rarely enforced. The federal Magnuson-Moss Warranty Act imposes significant penalties on interstate businesses that fail to live up to their promises, noted Morton Sokolow, an attorney for Smith who has defended a number of similar claims. "Unless you're careful," he explains, "you could be in deep doo-doo."
Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady threw for four touchdown, two for more than 50 yards, both over Smith. "I was tied up at the time," Smith said. "Some guy tried to give me an Applebee's receipt for his proof of purchase."
Pittsburgh fans who travelled to the game will be given a free toaster oven and a Steelers' license plate frame. "It's really our way of saying thank you to our loyal fans," said Smith. "We don't actually owe them anything."
Christmas comes but once a year, goes the old saying, bringing panic, also fear.
That's not how you remember it? Maybe your local pro football team has already been mathematically eliminated and your alma mater finished its season with a press conference at which the head coach said he was leaving "to spend more time with his family." Yeah right.
If your still have a team in contention, however, you face an awful dilemma: Continue to watch or attend games, or go shopping for a Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa/Pagan Tree Cult Holiday gift for your better half. Or your better one-third, if you drink a lot of beer.
You could take the path of Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley in "Beverly Hills Cop"--"Here's fifty bucks, go buy yourself something nice, I haven't got time." Don't try it--you'll never pull it off.
As a service to its readers, Gerbil Sports Network offers convenient point and click shopping to help you navigate the busy BCS-NFL stretch drive-holiday shopping season. Here are some great gift ideas that will warm her heart and light a fire under the mistletoe!
Pink camo hat: What's up with that?
Team logo pink camo hat: Die-hard male fans scoff at women who wear these, but we think they're cute! They look like something Barbie and Midge would wear if they joined G.I. Joe's battalion. $23.95.
"Hey, Midge--'Taps' means it's time to hop in the sleeping bag."
Team Logo Scrunchy: What's a scrunchy? Glad you asked! They're those things women use to make a pony tail! One size fits all, not available in Western Conference NHL teams. $8.95
Screaming Slingshot Superhero Chimp: Okay, so it's not a romantic dinner at the Ritz. It's still a lot of fun, and at only $6.99, it's a great way to save money for the expensive Valentine's Day present you're going to have to buy if you give her this for Christmas and want to have sex at some point in 2008.
Ice Skating Tickets: Chicks dig ice skating--it must have something to do with the sequins and the tutus. You can learn to enjoy it too, if your veterinarian got confused and neutered you instead of the cat.
"Was that a double lutz or a triple salchow?"
Thankfully, most ice skating shows are held in NHL arenas, so who's to say there won't be a little mix-up the day you buy the tickets--and end up with front-row seats to see the Boston Bruins face the St. Louis Blues!
Which will be a lot like the Ice Capades, but with helmets and mouthgards.
RICHMOND, Virginia. Michael Vick surrendered to U.S. marshalls yesterday to serve his jail term on federal dogfighting charges, but prison officials were unable to accommodate his request to begin his sentence early because no sitter has been identified to care for the Atlanta Falcons quarterback's other pets while he is incarcerated.
" . . . remember to forward Maxim subscription, turn down thermostat . . ."
"We've got a bigger responsibility than just locking people up," said Bureau of Prisons spokesman Tony Kilger. "Mr. Vick has a number of pets who could do serious damage to his carpets if left unattended."
Ant Farm
Vick's pit bulls and other fighting dogs have been given to new owners or euthanized in cases where they were determined to be too violent to be re-trained. Vick's other pets include two male cats, an ant farm, guppies and "Squawker", parrot that accompanied him to autograph shows.
"Don't jump the line--brawk!"
"Michael's not signing that junk, brawk!" Squawker says as federal Pet Enforcement Agent Tim Schaefer moves cautiously through Vick's mansion, taking an inventory of the animals who will need to be cared for. "Whoa--look at this," he says to his partner Clell Furnell, a former taxidermist who joined the PEA for the high hourly wage and federal pension that comes with it.
"What?" Furnell replies, before stopping in his tracks. "Jesus! There's clumps of fur everywhere," he says as the two cats disappear around a Barcalounger, screeching as they go.
"Here's your problem," Furnell calls out to Schaefer as he reaches the kitchen. "They're out of kitty chow," he says as he picks up an empty dish on the floor and fills it from a bag to which a Post-It note has been attached: "Do not fill bowl more than once a day--Thx, Michael."
Vick is said to be bitter that none of his former Falcon teammates has come forward to house-sit for him while he is imprisoned. "They was all into comin' over here to play foosball and watch the big screen TV before my life fell apart," Vick complained at his sentencing hearing. "Now that I've run out of cheese curls and the cable's shut off, they're nowhere to be found."
National Foosball League
After Furnell takes care of the cats, Schaefer enters the living room where he sees a large aquarium filled with blue neon guppies. He draws closer to watch the fish at play, then recoils in horror.
"Oh my God!" he screams.
"What's the matter?" Furnell yells as he comes running into the room.
"The mommy and daddy fish are eating their babies," he says.
Furnell looks into the tank and is mesmerized by the intra-family cannibalism taking place before his eyes.
"Do you think," he says to his partner, "we could get them on the Jerry Springer Show?"
BOSTON. In the past six years this city has celebrated three Super Bowl victories and two World Series championships, so local fans could be forgiven if they set high standards for their local sports teams. "No, we love 'em all," says Mary McCarthy of Dorchester, "even when they come in second," she adds with a laugh, referring to the 2-1 loss by the New England Revolution, the local professional soccer franchise, in the MLS Cup to the Houston Dynamo.
Boston City Hall: Is it upside down or sideways?
The Revolution have now lost three straight MLS Cup games and four out of the last six, and have become the soccer equivalent of the Buffalo Bills, who lost four straight Super Bowls from 1991 through 1994. Still, the streets of Boston are filled with anticipation today as the Revolution get a chance to celebrate their near-miss in a fashion that has become a Boston tradition--a parade through the Back Bay that culminates with a celebration in City Hall Plaza.
Government Center "T" Stop.
Boston's City Hall is a masterpiece of architecture that has won awards for its striking design, and Bostonians think of it as first in its class world wide. "We have the ugliest municipal building in the world!" shouts Kevin Avery, a rabid soccer fan who has parked his car on the outskirts of town and ridden the MBTA or "T" into Boston to avoid the crush of fans and well-wishers that is expected to number in the mid-two figures.
Riot police outnumber fans.
A group of fans, proud of City Hall's reputation as the pre-eminent American example of the "Brutalist" school of modern architecture, breaks into a chant of "We're Number One! We're Number One!" as Avery passes by, and he gives them a "thumbs up" signal to show his approval.
As the Revolution begin to make their way into the Government Center district, they are met by honking and the shouts of adoring fans. "Get out of the way!" screams Lynette de Fazio, a secretary who is running late to work, as she leans on her horn. "Whatta ya think yer doin'?"
"You guys are great," shouts Revs captain Steve Ralston, and an excited fan screams "We love you!"
"Thanks mom!" Ralston yells back, his face breaking into a smile.
"Yer gonna have to move it," a Boston police officer says to Ralston, who is driving a rented "Zipcar" with three of his teammates. "Yer blockin' traffic."
Taylor Twellman
"We're the New England Revolution," says Taylor Twellman, the high-scoring forward who is affectionately known to the team's public relations department as "Mr. New England Soccer".
"And I'm Batman, pal," the cop growls back. He pulls his walkie-talkie from his belt and calls for backup. "There's some nut down here in Government Center who thinks he's Paul Revere," he says to Boston Police Headquarters just across City Hall Plaza. "You'd better send the Taser Squad."
Khano Smith
As the rally winds down midfielder Khano Smith is signing one last autograph for an adoring fan in a restaurant. "Excuse me," she says as he starts to walk off.
"Yes?" Smith replies, knowing how demanding Boston fans can be.
"You forgot to put your phone number on the check."
