FRAMINGHAM, Mass.  Scientists at the National Institute of Occupational Health today released findings showing that sports team mascots live shortened lives due to adverse working conditions.

The longitudinal research, which tracked two generations of high school, college and pro mascots, revealed that individuals who don tiger, bulldog and other animal outfits to entertain spectators at sporting events have a shorter life expectancy than non-mascots.

Dennis Radik, a mascot for the Seekonk, Mass. Quahogs, a minor league affiliate of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, said the research confirmed his experience.  "It gets hot in those outfits and you get dehydrated.  Plus the fans think they can just haul off and belt you."  A quahog is a thick-shelled clam, but Radik's costume consists only of a thin layer of foam rubber stretched over a chicken-wire frame.

Dr. Evan Steinberg, a veterinary epidemiologist, said that the team of scientists who worked on the study developed a precise calculus for determining the effect that life as a mascot has on a person's longevity. 

"We found that feline mascots--lions, tigers, jaguars, wildcats--could expect their lives to be measured in cat years," he said.  "Canine mascots--bulldogs and terriers--you project their life spans in dog years."

Steinberg ran the numbers to show that a 20-year old Georgetown student who wore that school's forty-pound bulldog costume over the course of a Big East basketball season would be considered 141 years old in dog mascot years.  An LSU student of the same age who dressed as that team's tiger totem would be 107 in cat mascot years.

"We have to educate kids that putting on that big fuzzy outfit is a real risk," Steinberg said.  "Being a mascot is as dangerous as smoking, driving without a seatbelt, or calling an escort service."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

The NCAA has taken a bold first step to tackle the biggest problem in college sports.

Mascots.

As Jack Paar used to say, I kid you not.

Academic scandals, steroids, hookers for high school recruits--those issues can wait.  The guys and gals who patrol the sidelines in funny outfits--that's what corrupting America's impressionable youth.

The NCAA's edict bars ethnic nicknames or mascots deemed "hostile or abusive" from NCAA tournaments after this year.  So beginning in 2006, the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame will be ineligible for March Madness, right?

Not quite.  While teams with ethnic mascots are common at the collegiate level--opponents tremble when the Bethany College Swedes take the field--the abusive nature of a team's totem depends on the views of self-appointed group spokesmen.

The NCAA's action targets only images of Native Americans and was prompted by organizations such as the National Coalition on Racism in Sports and Media, whose claim to speak on behalf of tribal groups is dubious.  A Sports Illustrated poll found that 83% of Native Americans had no objection to the San Diego State Aztecs and similar nicknames.  In Florida, officials of the Seminole tribe say they will support Florida State in a legal challenge to the new rule.

The groups that pushed for the ban on tournament appearances wanted the NCAA to go further and bar member schools from using ethnic names at all.  In a remarkable display of judicial restraint, the NCAA decided it lacked the power to toss the Edinboro University Fighting Scots into the dustbin of history.

Lest you think your alma mater’s mascot is safe, however, remember that the source of today’s laughter often becomes tomorrow’s reality.   People used to joke that when the trial lawyers were through with the tobacco companies they would turn to fast food as their next source of regular income.

Ha-ha.  Eighteen states have now enacted so-called “cheeseburger laws” after suits were filed against restaurant chains alleging that they caused a particular glutton’s health problems.

So if ethnic nicknames are so offensive, why is there no chorus of grumbling Greeks at the gates when the USC Trojans play, and no protests by Dutch Master look-alikes at New York Knickerbocker games?  The answer is that these groups long ago subordinated their ethnic identities to their status as Americans.  They melted into the multicultural pot that is one of the sources of our strength, rather than remain in a state of perpetual umbrage to fuel their cash flow.   

What’s in a name, asked Juliet, since a rose by any other would smell as sweet.  She was right, and idealistic attempts to change the world by fiddling with the names of sports teams have failed in the past. 

In 1997 the Washington Bullets changed their name to the Washington Wizards out of concern that their ballistic monicker encouraged violence.  Eight years later, Washington remains the murder capital of America, with 45.8 fatalities per 100,000 residents.  And the team, unlike a rose, still stinks.

Copyright 2005, Con Chapman