NEW YORK. Encouraged by the success of its business-casual dress code in reforming the league's "hip-hop" image, NBA officials today announced that they will push for a "tattoo cap" when the current collective bargaining agreement expires at the end of the 2011 season.
Stern: "A tasteful 'Mom' on your bicep will not count against the cap."
"We feel it is important that our players not scare the bejesus out of affluent demographic groups with gangsta-style tattoos," David Stern said at a press conference here today. "Otherwise we might as well name the next two expansion franchises the 'Crips' and the 'Bloods'," he added, showing off his "street cred" to the admiration of NBA beat reporters.
"This kid's got a lot of heart, and a lot of epidermis."
Under the proposed cap, teams would be limited to a total tattoo coverage of 61% of the upper arms and necks of players on their twelve-man rosters. Teams could free up cap space by trading a power forward from an "urban" school for a shooting guard from Brigham Young or a flat-footed center from Gonzaga.
Seattle SuperSonics' owners: "Well, there was this girl named 'Tina' . . ."
Player representatives reacted angrily to the proposal. Mark Madsden of the Timberwolves said he wanted to see the bodies of NBA owners in the showers before agreeing to any cap. "Some of these guys may have 'Semper Fi' on their butts. Let them drop their pants and show the players what they got."
Con Chapman is a Boston-area writer. He is the author of "The Year of the Gerbil: How the Yankees Won (and the Red Sox Lost) the Greatest Pennant Race Ever," a history of the 1978 AL East pennant race, and a number of plays, including "Number One Hockey Mom," "Please, Pope," and "What Mickey Belle Isle Told You," a trilogy about hockey (JAC Publishing). His work is available on Amazon Shorts (at 49 cents a dowload), and he writes on sports for Flak Magazine.
